Shownotes
What happens when the loudest voice in your life is no longer your own? On Soul Sparks, hosted by Saima, Toni LaMotta shares how hidden inner vows shape anxiety, perfectionism, and self-doubt.
This episode is for anyone feeling disconnected from themselves, stuck in people-pleasing, or questioning their path. Toni explores how to quiet fear, reconnect with the body, and rebuild grounded self-trust through presence and awareness.
About the Guest:
Toni LaMotta is a spiritual coach, master teacher, speaker, and accredited Enneagram professional. With a doctorate in religious studies and years of inner work, she helps people reconnect with their inner authority and authentic voice.
Episode Chapters:
- 00:00 – The invisible vows we carry
- 04:12 – From obedience to self-trust
- 09:40 – The “barking dog” vs inner spirit voice
- 15:18 – How anxiety grows from external validation
- 21:07 – Perfectionism and hidden self-abandonment
- 27:11 – Listening to the body for clarity
- 32:05 – Practical steps to reclaim your inner compass
Key Takeaways:
- Anxiety often grows when we ignore our inner knowing
- Perfectionism can hide deep self-doubt
- The body gives honest signals before the mind catches up
- Self-trust grows through small moments of presence
- Fear loses power when it is gently observed instead of avoided
How to Connect With the Guest:
- Website: https://tonilamotta.com/
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Transcripts
00:00:08 Saima: Somewhere along the way, most of us made a vow. Not a spoken one. Not one with witnesses. Just a quiet agreement with ourselves. To stay small. To stay safe. To stop trusting the voice inside. Today's conversation is about finding the voice again and choosing this time to follow it.
00:00:28 Saima: Welcome to Seoul Sparks, the show where one conversation can quietly reignite something you forgot was yours. I'm Simon, and today I'm joined by Tony La Moto, a spiritual coach, master teacher, internationally acclaimed speaker and accredited international Enneagram professional with a doctorate in religious studies and three Masters degrees. Tony has helped hundreds of people move from silence to self-trust. And today she is here to talk about the invisible vows we carry and what it takes to reclaim our inner compass. So welcome, Tony.
00:01:05 Toni LaMotta: Thank you. It's great to be here.
00:01:08 Saima: So glad you're here. So, Tony, the phrase from silence to self-trust stopped me the moment I read it, actually. So before anything else can take us back to our own silence, what did it feel like and what first cracked it open?
00:01:25 Toni LaMotta: Well, what happened in my life was different from what most people. But I lived in a convent for sixteen years, starting at the age of seventeen, and we obviously took vows. And one of the vows was a vow of obedience. And the vow of obedience basically taught me that I couldn't trust my own, knowing that I had to listen to outside authority, that I had to listen to rules and, and follow procedures. And it's a very comfortable, safe way to live. And for many people, it's exactly what they need. But I began to realize that I didn't always agree with what I was being asked to do. And I don't think it was just a rebellious spirit. There was something in me that says, no, you need to be doing something different. And so when I left, I began pursuing like, how to listen to my own inner voice. And send. Over the years I've taken many, many courses and read books and. And now I have the privilege of teaching others what I learned and really live my life from that voice, that knowing. And it's such a much more peaceful and exciting way to live and. And I love sharing it with everyone else. And it takes us from the doubt, the like, should I listen to myself is what I'm hearing. You know, what is really the divine call my soul speaking? Or should I be listening to everyone else and reading social media or finding out what other people think? And so my, my aim in life is to really help as many people as possible learn to go from that doubt, to begin to really trust their own inner voice. Not what I think, not what I would say, but what their own soul is speaking to them.
00:03:38 Saima: Mhm, mhm. The way you are, friend, that I would say that's really remarkable. And that's honestly so powerful, Tony, the way you describe listening to that inner voice, not as something loud or dramatic, but as something steady, peaceful and quietly guiding you. It feels incredibly grounding. And I think so many people spend years trying to find clarity, you know, outside of themselves. And what you are saying is such a beautiful reminder that sometimes the most honest direction has been within us all along, just, you know, waiting to be trusted.
00:04:12 Toni LaMotta: Absolutely. It's interesting how many times think about anyone listening. How many times have you said to yourself, well, I knew that wouldn't work. I shouldn't have done that. So you kind of knew, but you'd you never followed that voice. And, you know, I'd like to share something that I learned from one of my teachers, Sonia Choquette, that is very helpful for people who don't listen to their inner voice, because she describes it as two voices speaking to us at all times. And she calls one your barking dog. I love that she even says, you should name that barking dog. And the other one is your spirit. And so the barking dog is the one that's always loud and telling you what's wrong. You should be doing this. Why aren't you doing that? What about this? This might happen. Those are the kinds of things that the barking dog says so loudly in our life. And we tend to listen to the loud voice. The inner compass is the spirit voice, and the spirit voice is very gentle and it's always very loving. So whenever you're feeling punished or scolded, it's not your inner compass. The inner compass doesn't always tell us what we want to hear. That's one of the things people get confused with. Sometimes it says, oh, you better look at this. This needs some change. Maybe it would say, I suggest you do something else here. But it does it in such a loving way that you can't help but say, mhm. That's right. I can hear that. I will follow that. So I ask, I always invite people, especially when they're starting out with this, to begin just noticing those two voices. And if you're a journaler, you might even, at the end of the day, talk about what you can write about. What voice was I listening to today and what was the result of listening to that particular voice? You'll come to appreciate the voice of spirit far more.
00:06:35 Saima: Mhm. I really appreciate how you framed that, chef Tony. And, uh, so building on that, when you started actually leaving from that inner voice, not just hearing it, but trusting it. So what changed the most for you in your day to day life?
00:06:51 Toni LaMotta: Well, I think I one of the things is I lost anxiety. The anxiety that was produced when I was following something that didn't feel true to myself. And so many people come to me filled with anxiety and they're looking outside. And I like to call it the difference between conditional trust and ground trust. When we're looking for conditional trust, we're looking for who to believe, who to listen to, how to go. You know who's going to tell me what book should I read? What course should I take? We're looking outside to tell us how to live, and it produces a lot of anxiety, a lot of questioning. Is this right? Should I trust them? But when we listen to that grounded trust, the grounded trust is the voice inside of us that isn't always clear, especially when you begin. But it's the kind of voice that says, don't worry. No matter what you choose here, you'll know how to land on your feet. So it begins to. Trusting ourselves is what happens. And when we trust ourselves, we're given a new direction. If the one that we're starting to take isn't working the way we. We need to. And so it's a really, um, for me, it was letting go of, first of all, wanting everybody else's opinion and thinking everybody else knew more than I did. And I find that when I help people and coach people this way, they say, wow, it feels so peaceful to finally shut out everybody else's voice and listen to my own. And so there's a new peace that happens. There's a new sense of security. There's a sense of flow that happens. Life begins to manifest in new ways because there's no obstacle anymore.
00:09:08 Saima: Mhm. That's really beautiful, Tony. The way you describe losing that anxiety, not because everything around you suddenly changed, but because your relationship with yourself shifted. That's incredibly powerful. It sounds like Kirsten just gives you direction. It gives you a kind of calm anchor. Like instead of constantly questioning yourself, you could move through your day with a sense of quiet certainty. And I think that's something a lot of people are searching for without even realizing it. That inner steadiness. And what I'm hearing, too, is that Self-trust isn't just a mindset. It actually reshapes how our experience, how we experience life, our decisions, our energy, even how much space anxiety takes ups. That's a huge shift. So when people hear the word vow, they usually think of weddings or formal promises, right? But you are pointing to something much quieter. This internal agreements we make often very early in life about like who we are allowed to be and how much we allow to trust ourselves. So what's the most common vow you see people carrying that they don't even realize they have taken?
00:10:20 Toni LaMotta: Well, it's interesting. I don't know if there is any one most common. The first one that jumps in my mind is perfectionism. It's like, I better do it right. Um, many of us grew up in homes where you were always cautioned to do things in much more, um, perfect, perfect way. So there are a lot of people who are into like perfectionism. And for some people, the vow they take is about my needs aren't important, but I'm going to help everyone else. An awful lot of spiritual people, um, fall into this trap. It's like it is. They feel like it's selfish to take care of themselves. So they go out there and they, they make a promise that they're going to make a difference in everyone else's life and not their own. Or there's some people who, who are just like bent on, um, whatever looks successful. How do I become successful? Uh. What's the right way? According to everyone else? And they've been there. Every action, they start living everybody else's plan for them. They might be living their parents plan. They might be living just what society is telling them. You know, so many people today are jumping on the AI bandwagon, and I love AI, but it's like, is that really your soul calling or do you just think it's popular and it's the way you're going to gain momentum and money? Um, so it's, there is so many different ways that people make these promises to themselves. And in fact, when you study typology and the way people's ego is formed, all of us have formed our ego by making a promise to herself to live a certain way. And there are patterns that are actually discernible in each person chooses one of those patterns to live by. And it's a fascinating study. I've been studying adult development for years and, and I love looking at the different systems that teach us how we formed our ego as children. You don't have to have a big trauma to make a decision. But, you know, if your parents were always saying, you know, you better get that right, why isn't that one hundred? Get a better grade? You're always striving after more and think you're not good enough. So each of us take vows and they're they're different. We don't take the formal vows. I like what you said at a wedding or religious ceremony, for example. We may take formal vows, but everyone. Every single person makes a promise to themselves that they hide from themselves until they become aware. And only when you become aware of it can it loosen its grip on you. It may not go away forever, but it certainly can loosen the power it has to run your life.
00:13:39 Saima: Mhm. That really learns, Tony, the way he described perfectionism, not just as wanting to do things well, but as something rooted in feeling like it's not okay to choose ourselves. That's such an important distinction. And what you said about people pouring everything into others lives while quietly stepping away from their own. That's powerful, I would say. And honestly, a bit confronting in the best way. It shows how these vows can look normal on the surface, but underneath they are often about disconnecting from their own needs and truth. And I think what makes it even more complex is how normalized it becomes. Living by someone else's expectations that can feel like, uh, you know, like the right thing for so long that people don't even question it. Now, a lot of people listening will recognize this in their lives for sure, not in dramatic moments, but in the small ones. So the moment you, uh, defer to someone else's opinion when you already knew the answer, the moment you apologize for taking up space. So what does living by an old inner vow actually look like? An ordinary life.
00:14:49 Toni LaMotta: Oh, well, it's very simple. It's almost like every single activity. You know, I know so many people who are in the wrong profession. They're doing things that they hate and they, you know, they're doing it because someone told them it was the right thing to do. Maybe their parents, maybe society, maybe, you know, uh, school, maybe their church, all kinds of things. The outside voice said, here's a way to go. So I think the number one thing is that people find themselves in jobs they hate. Instead of doing the thing that gives them joy, instead of doing the thing that they absolutely, um, feel comfortable in and would love to be doing. That's one of the ways. The other way is if they're constantly questioning everyone else. You know, people who sit down and constantly are making a pros and cons list. Should I, shouldn't I? And they find themselves on a daily basis questioning every decision they make. It's like, was that the right thing? Should I be doing that? Shouldn't I be doing that? So it's shitting on ourselves all the time. Uh, is one of the things that happens in people or for many of the clients I work with. It's like the what ifs start happening. They start wondering about like, uh, oh, what's going to happen if I do that? Will this happen? And they look at all the worst case scenarios. And so they wind up being anxious and afraid and not only doubting themselves, but absolutely in fear as well. So those are a couple of the ways I think it manifests differently depending on our personality. You know, for someone who's into perfectionism, for example, they may find themselves like getting angry at themselves even though it may not show on the surface. It's like internally they're feeling, I'm not good enough. I'm never going to measure up. And sometimes they become very judgmental of other people because nobody is ever good enough. Nobody's ever measuring up. So they find themselves acting out all the time, you know, in the kind of behavior that doesn't make them very popular, to say the least. So there's just so many ways each individual needs to look at themselves and look at the, what motivates them, what, what carries them out. And is it from something internal? Is their soul speaking or is it that barking dog that is is echoing what everyone else has been trying to say? I think that's a long answer, but hopefully it gives you a taste of, you know, like very practical things that happen. I think the biggest one is, is about people being in the wrong work, doing things that they think are supposed to be the right thing. Um, and they dread going to work every day. And, you know, I, I find life can be so I don't, I don't ever work because what I'm doing is such fun. I love what I do. And so it doesn't feel like I'm going to work. And I think that I wish that for everyone.
00:18:20 Saima: Yes, it paints such a clear picture of how deeply these values shape everyday life. And it's not always loud or obvious. It's in that quiet, constant second guessing. Like I said, that feeling of I should check with someone else first. Even when something inside already knows what to do, and over time, that can really pull someone further and further away from themselves. And what stands out is how normal that can feel for so many people out there. Like they don't even realize they are living from someone else's script because it's all they have ever known. And naming that is powerful in itself. So now you have developed a system to help people reclaim what you call the inner authority. So without turning it into a formula. Can you walk us through the heart of it? Like, what's the first real move someone makes when they decide they want to come back to themselves?
00:19:13 Toni LaMotta: Well, I think the first thing is to look at what makes you afraid, and to start to recognize that that fear may be based in an unreal situation. Like many of us are afraid of something happening that has never happened. And we're worried about it. And, and so looking at those fears is, is one way. And, and I actually have we're on audio, so I can't show you, but I teach a somatic technique where we move our hands in certain ways to actually release that fear and to step more into our soul's authority. So that's one of the things. The other thing that I think is so important for people is to learn how to ground themselves in their body, because our bodies speak to us all the time and we tend not to listen. So one of the easiest ways to get started listening to yourself is to start a practice that allows you to feel your breath. That's simple. Every meditation technique says start with the breath. But then one of the things that happens when you literally slow down and watch your breath is that you begin to feel sensations all throughout your body. It's very interesting because the body is the only place where we're totally in the present moment. You know, many people think that their emotions are telling them, well, emotions are all over the place, and they're usually about the past or the future and our head space. Well, the head is always in some kind of future or some kind of past. But the body is the only thing in the present moment. And so it's so important to say when making a decision, simply ask, how does this make me feel? And if I don't do it, how do I feel? Your body will tell you almost immediately. Oh my God. Stomach cramps. My neck is sore. My head hurts. No, that's a no. A very clear no. I feel calm, peaceful. Centered. Clear. Yes. So it takes practice. And I don't know if we have time here, but I usually teach people a seven minute practice that they can do every day to really get into listening to what the body is speaking and what the body is trying to say. It's a wonderful way to approach the first step in in knowing your own inner compass.
00:22:13 Speaker 3: Mhm. Mhm.
00:22:15 Saima: That's such a grounded way of explaining it, Tony. And I really appreciate how you bring it back to the body, because when everything feels overwhelming or scattered, the body is the one place that's always in the present. And the idea of actually facing those fears instead of, you know, just thinking your way around them, that feels so honest. It's not just about forcing clarity, but creating space for it by releasing what's been held for so long. And there's something very real and accessible in that approach, actually. And I think that's what makes your work stand out. It's not just about understanding ourselves intellectually. It's about experiencing that shift on a deeper level, where our body and our emotions start to align with that inner voice again. right?
00:23:00 Toni LaMotta: Absolutely. And it's, you know, I, I teach something called the Enneagram and part of the Enneagram. It's a ancient spiritual wisdom. And part of it is just talking about we have three centers. We have a body center, a heart center and a head center. And most people are not in touch with all three. And when we want to live in, in spirit, when we want to live from our soul, we need to be focused on all three of those centers. And any practice that takes you into those will help you to listen and listen to presence. And when you're present, your mind can speak more clearly. Your heart will speak more clearly and your body will support it.
00:23:57 Saima: That makes a lot of sense. So Tony, for anyone listening who feels drawn to this work, whether it's exploring the inner compass, diving into the Enneagram, or simply wanting to learn more about what you do, where's the best place for them to find you and connect with your work?
00:24:12 Toni LaMotta: The easiest place is to go to my website. It's simply my name, Tony LaMotta dot com. It's T o n I l a M o t t a dot com. And on that first page, it gives you the option to. If you are looking to learn more about this, uh, it'll show you, um, you can just click on a link and it will send you a PDF that actually helps you look at why you're not trusting yourself. And from there, obviously, I can send you lots of other information that can help you to open to that trust and to that inner compass. It's a slow process, but it's worth following.
00:25:01 Saima: That's surely going to be beneficial for all our listeners out there, Tony. And to everyone listening, if something you heard today state something in you, sit with it. Don't rush past it. That's tearing your compass, saying it's still there. This is all sparks. One conversation, one spark, one step back to yourself. We'll see you next time. Take gentle care of all yourself.
