Have you ever felt a touch of guilt because you think you might be getting too successful or that you are selfish for wanting a more significant life? Do you think you'd be a better mom if you didn't work or if you had a more straightforward career with less responsibility? Do you ever feel others judge you for your success or for your desire to be more successful? If so, this episode is for you!

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Have you ever felt a touch of guilt creeping in, just a tiny voice that whispers in your ear that you might be getting too successful, that you are selfish for wanting a bigger life, that you would be a better mom if you didn’t work or if you had a simpler career with less responsibility. Do you ever feel like others are judging you for your success or for your desire to be successful? For your desire to be even more successful than you have been to this point?

Neighbors, old friends, co-workers in the division you were promoted out of last month? The place you used to work before you got the position you are in today? Family members who haven’t yet made the decision to grow in their careers or to step in to their highest potential selves?

Depending on how much of this you hear, or how much of this you perceive is occurring – your own thoughts about this might cause you to hold yourself back in some ways or to play small – at least smaller than you would if you perceived that the entire world was cheering you on. You might think that it is your job to not appear too driven or too capable, so that you don’t make other people feel bad in any way. You might believe you should diminish your superpowers or shrink to make others feel better.

First of all, you probably know what I am going to say: You can’t control what others think or feel, nor the actions they do or do not take. Also, you actually do not know what they are thinking or feeling and very often your perception of what you think they are thinking and feeling will not be correct. That is only one reason not to adjust your path to make other people happier – no matter what you do, only they can create happiness in their own life. The sooner you fully embrace this reality, the sooner you will realize how free you are to drive the changes in your own life that will allow you to become whatever it is that you have decided to become.

You can also focus on thoughts that fuel your feelings and actions to create big, positive changes that you want in your life. That is what I want to talk to you about today: How you can DECIDE to become an example of what is possible and when you do how that will drive ripples of positivity throughout your entire life.

Story (personal or about someone else)

In my own life, I have my own mom to thank for showing me what is possible regarding career success. She raised my sister and I as a single mom from when we were both in grade school and she could get her first job and thus bring in some money for our modest living expenses. She went from doing the books for the hardware store in our small town, through a series of increasingly more challenging, higher paying roles, until she was working at the executive level, as the Finance Director for the entire Colorado Department of Education. Watching her figure it out, take risks, and believe that she was capable 100% did show me what was possible in life and that I had the potential to achieve similar career success. To this day, she always tells me that she has even bigger dreams for me. Also, throughout my career, I found role models and mentors (some women, some men) who achieved certain things in their life or in the industry we work in and they have shown me what is possible in our industry. As far as my executive coaching and life-coaching business, I have two incredible mentors and role models who have shown me what is possible in this industry – and how I can help others so THEY know what is possible for them. This is how it works. Have you ever heard the phrase, usually linked to a conversation about equality: “If you can see it, you can be it.” This can be applied in so many ways, but… if there is even one person who has accomplished something you want to accomplish: then you KNOW FOR A FACT, it is possible. Also – if THAT dream is possible, and it can be achieved, then what else could be possible for you?

Once you start thinking about all that is possible for YOUR life, before you let the ideas that you are selfish for wanting more or what others might think, I want you to begin to image you living your future dream. Imagine that you already made it real and that it is your current day-to-day life. Are you there in that future place? Now start to imagine the positive ripples that would flow out from you as you are living that life. What becomes possible for others around you because YOUR dream became true?

One example was when I was an enlisted Sailor and I started to think about getting a commission about a Naval Officer. I knew about the benefits for me, more responsibility, a better salary, more opportunities for more education, the ability to make a bigger impact (and after I was commissioned, I realized there were so many benefits I had never imagined.) Still, beyond my own direct benefits, I started to realize there would be so many benefits for my daughter. Naval Officers generally just assume their own children are going to college, eventually most of your friends are Naval Officers or educated people, you’re your children get to know each other. I remember after I was commissioned for a few years and my daughter was in 5th grade, we had some of her friends over for a slumber party. In the morning, I made breakfast and the other two girls, whose mother was also a Naval Officer, were all talking about which college they planned to attend. They were in 5th grade and they all KNEW they were going to college, it was expected, taken for granted (in a good way). The fact that we had made a direct decision to bet on ourselves and go after a commission as an Officer in the military created an environment where our children thought education was “normal” and just the way it was.

This exact scenario is basically what I want to talk to you about. It is one thing to let your fear of change or what other people “might” think to slow your progress or hold you back, but I want you to imagine how your playing small will not only change the trajectory of your life but also how it could change the trajectory of your children’s life as well. Granted, your own success will not automatically create successful children, but when you decide to believe in yourself and to increase your own confidence and to actively build a life of which you are proud – that exact modeling will influence your children, no doubt. More often than not, when you step into your full potential, you will give them the permission to step into their full potential and then they will emulate that new potential for their children and so on. Your single decision to take some bold steps, believe bigger, to delay gratification, to build a robust life will show not only your kids what is possible, but when your kids are bolder and believe more because of your example, they will influence the next generation and so on.

Conversely, if you live in self-doubt and fear change, and remain smaller than you wanted to be – you do teach your kids those same traits and that energy could also ripple through the generations.

What about positive ripples separate from our children? Are there other positive ripples? You bet!

Think about where you are today and where you want to go. I mentioned my mentors and role models before. Just by succeeding and growing you are showing other people around you not that you are better than them, rather, you are showing THEM what is possible. Even though you are quieter, maybe introverted, yet – always studious and hardworking, you do show other people around you at church, school, work, in your neighborhood, in your coaching mastermind, in your friend group – you show them all what is possible when you try. You show them what happens when you believe bigger than your current circumstance. They start telling you about a dream THEY have, and they want to know if you believe they could achieve their dream the way you have achieved your dream. You encourage them, because you know if they truly decide they want this change that they definitely can make it real just the way you made your own dream a reality.

Can you image that world, the one where people believe they can make a difference and were everyone encourages everyone? We’d enter into a new era that would transform so many things if we all walked into our days with that energy. You know I always say, “There is enough success for everyone.” This is an abundant way to live your life and they positive ripples will emanate outward and reflect back to you in ways that you could never imagine.

Symptoms

Have you noticed anything from this episode coming up for you lately? As you have been striving after bigger goals, a bigger impact, a bigger life – have you noticed that thoughts of guilt or “they are going to think I’m selfish, or greedy, or superficial” or fill in the blank, are entering your mind? Then ask yourself: Have you ever not taken a step TOWARD what you want because you are afraid that other people will judge you? Have you not applied for a position you wanted, have you not volunteered for a project, have you not asked to attend executive leadership training, have you not asked to be mentored by a more senior person?

These are all signs that you are inadvertently holding yourself back – and as mentioned earlier in this episode, you might be doing this and you also are likely wrong about what “all of these people in your mind” are really thinking.

Solutions/Activity

One of the beautiful things I get to do and one of the positive ripples I get to make is to guide you to lean fully into what you are capable of. I PROMISE you that you are capable of far more than you have scratched the surface of so far. Given that, I have an activity for you today. If you feel like this, is you, if you have been worrying about what other people will think, if you have been shrinking so that other people will not have thoughts about you – this week I want you to take the following steps:

1. Clearly identify something you want to improve in your career or life and write it down. Make it something that scares you a bit, something you DO want that makes you feel uncomfortable when you think of doing all you will have to do to make it real.

2. Under that divide the rest of your paper into two columns. Label one column: What people will think about me if I accomplish this (or try to). Label the other column: All the ways I could create positive ripples in the world if I actually do accomplish this goal. Then, just do a thought download on both sides – what other people are thinking and how you can change the world for others, beyond you, in a positive way if you do make this dream your reality.

3. Choose one or two of the thoughts on the positive ripple side and keep those at the front of your mind. Write them on a sticky and place that on today’s page in your planner, for example. Or place it in your workspace where you spend most of your work day.

4. Regarding the thoughts on the “what people are thinking side”: Spend some energy and decide if the things you wrote are cold hard facts. Did anyone actually say those things to you? I mean word for word? Do you have a text with those words or an email? Would 100% of people in the world read that text or email with the exact same meaning? Are their other possible meanings you could ascribe to the words? If they are not 100% factual? Odds are you are giving words others say deeper meaning than they were delivered with OR you are putting words in their mouths or heads that they never said or even thought, which is highly likely. From now on, you are clearly aware of these ideas you have about other people’s thoughts. This part of the exercise is 100% for your own self-awareness. Start to notice when YOU are thinking that other people are thinking these things and then decide you are no longer going to let your brain stay on those thoughts. High achievers are people who take charge of their own brain and do not let it run around like a Tasmanian devil, creating havoc of your dreams and plans. The first step is awareness and then you can learn to interrupt those thoughts when you are having them and move toward thoughts like the ones you have written under the positive ripple you will create in the world. The more often you do that, the more actions you will take toward your bigger dream and soon enough you will be amazed at the beautiful network of positive impacts you have created in the world.

Conclusion

You were meant to do big things in this world AND the positive impact will not end with only your life. When you decide to show others what is possible for you, you will change the lives of all future generations of your family, you will show your children what is possible, and you will become a role model for others who want to believe in themselves as you have decided to believe in yourself. With each step forward, your impact will grow exponentially, in ways that you never even imagined. This dream is far too important to shrink, to play small. You were born for this and you can feel it deep in your soul. It is time to take that next step forward today!