A multitude of studies confirm that people who have high quality relationships are happier, healthier and live longer. For couples to enjoy happy companionship, for every one negative interaction they have with each other, they also need to have five positive feelings and interactions to combat the negative. These research findings are intriguing but what is happy love exactly and how to find it?

In this episode Love &Happiness Klaudia discusses how to find a right partner, build healthy relationships and how to sustain happiness in long term relationships.

Her guest Macy Matarazzo is a Love & Relationship Expert. A girl of the ’70s, success for Macy was climbing the corporate ladder saying "I don't need a man" (but wanting Prince Charming!), then finding herself in her 40’s alone, convinced that if love hasn’t just happened, she’s unlovable. That’s when she stopped “winging it”, and decided to do whatever it takes to figure out “love”. Before long, she married Larry, the perfect match. As she shared her story, others found love too. So she quit her 6 figure gig to help singles all over the world find and build happy love.

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A multitude of studies confirm that people who have high quality relationships are happier, healthier and live longer when it comes to love.

It has been also shown that in couples to enjoy happy companionship, for every one negative interaction we have with each other, we also need to have five positive feelings and interactions to combat the negative. But is that all what constitutes happy love? I'm your host Claudia Mitura, work psychologist and learning and development specialist.

And this is End Happiness, a quest to explore the bold what makes us happy.

In this episode, Love and Happiness, I'm how to find the right partner, how to build healthy relationships from scratch and how to sustain happiness in long term relationships. My guest Maisie Matarazzo is a love and relationship expert.

A girl of the 70s success for Maisie was climbing the corporate ladder saying I don't need air men, but wanting Prince Charming. Then finding herself in her 40s alone, convinced that if love hasn't just happened, she is unlovable.

That's when she stopped winging it and decided to do whatever it takes to figure out love. So she quit her six figure gig to help singles all over the world find and build happy love. Let's find out more. Welcome to Love and Happiness.

And remember to keep in touch and receive monthly happiness through your inbox. Sign up to our newsletter@endhappiness.co.uk welcome to Love and Happiness.

Macy. Welcome to End Happiness. I am so excited about this conversation.

Me too.

In your company you are speaking about happy love. What is happy love? What are the components of happy love? How would you define it?

Oh, that's such a good question. No one's ever asked me that. What I would say is that, you know, you feel that lightness, that peace, that ease you feel.

I think most people when they're in a happy relationship, they feel supported and seen and heard and they feel special.

So it's a lot of the components of what I would say is a secure relationship where you don't have that anxiety, you're with someone who cares about you.

Nice.

Love that definition. And I love the fact you're speaking about that sense of belonging but also feeling special and having that security.

That sounds ideal, but let's be honest, it's not that easy in life. So maybe let's think about first of all, what stops us maybe from finding or building that happy love.

We all develop our beliefs about relationship early childhood.

We're humans, we come out of the womb, we're already looking for connection and then we're looking around us at our, at our caregivers and that's what we start with our little kid brain computing what relationship is, what love is.

And so oftentimes it's some of those misunderstandings that, that we took from, oh, our parents are fighting all the time, or my dad left when I was young, or, or whatever happened in your own relationships that creates doubt and fear and ends up coming back pointing at us feeling like, oh, there must be something wrong with me. I'm not good enough, I'm not worthy of this. So generally that's what I see keeps people from being able to receive something greater.

So we have those kind of almost prescribed beliefs, probably to some extent unconscious. I guess that's what it means to me when it comes to relationships.

So those emotional blocks playing out so that we might have some relationship issues or relationship difficulties?

Absolutely. I mean, you have to just look at your life and see what is occurring.

If you're in a relationship and you're finding that it is not fulfilling or you don't feel good about it, then there's probably something there that wants to be addressed. And I don't know anyone who hasn't needed a little relationship support.

I think the key is that we get this idea that we're supposed to just know how to do an intimate relationship and we don't. We have to learn that. And nobody's teaching us how to do that. We're winging it the whole time.

So that's why I am on a mission to help women create conscious, healthy, happy relationships. And I call it the Art and the consciousness of Finding the One. Because this is really our own self awareness, but also learning skills.

These are real skills to connect and communicate and not take things personally or get into old story.

You are the love and relationship coach. Love that wonderful title. So now if I'm coming to you and I'm saying, okay, I'm having certain obstacles, I can see those emotional blocks.

I have that first awareness. Something is not working for me. What would the session look like? What would you advise me? How do you help me?

Well, one of my favorite tools that I use, because I have a lot of tools in my toolkit, but one of the most powerful ones that I use is called Regenerating Images in Memory. RIM for short. And this is a process that actually uses the imagination to access that subconscious space.

And when you can get to that space and bring the subconscious to the conscious, then you can change things.

So it's really important because everybody has different things and oftentimes people will come saying, I just want a relationship and it's not happening or all my relationships seem to fall apart and there isn't more information. There isn't this awareness that there are blocks. The first step is to look.

If things don't seem like they're working or you're not creating what you want, then there's probably something in the way. And this isn't a problem. This is just being able to say, okay, my body is doing something.

I'm functioning in a certain way because my body has decided that this is the safest way to be some. For some people, it's really much safer to stay single. Even if our mind is saying, oh, I really want a person, I really want a person.

That because of what had occurred in the past, that that is the protection mode. So it takes some care and consciousness and gentleness and kindness with ourselves to begin to develop that safety within.

In that specific tool.

You are analyzing those unconscious blocks, you are accessing them because as you said, I might be telling you one story, but unconsciously I might be believing something completely different. We've done that. You know, I now understand my blogs.

What type of, let's say skills or tools you think will help me to find and sustain that happy love?

First of all, I would say choice, really making that decision if it's something that you've been wanting, being willing to say I am going to do what it takes to create this in my life. It's owning your desire. I just posted today a quote. You own your desires.

It's up to you to take care of them and protect them from the fears and doubts and anyone who wants to tell you you can't have it. So it's really up to you to make the choice. This is important to me. And then get the support, take steps in that direction.

And if we are working on our relationship, we having maybe some difficulties in our relationships, what kind of skill sets or tools can help us to improve that?

First of all, awareness, self awareness is everything. If you are aware of how you function and are willing to take responsibility for your life, then you know that's the first place to start.

And then it is learning how to communicate. It is learning how to be with another person.

And I've had to learn a lot of stuff even beyond just doing the tools and practices that I did to find a person. Since then, I'm constantly learning new ways of relating to my partner. And we continue to evolve and it can be challenging at times.

But what I know is really great about having the right person in your life is that we can move through those and we know how to support each other. And no matter what happens, I know that we can do this together. And that's a real good sign of a healthy, secure relationship.

That journey together, I guess question pop out immediately into my mind, great. But when there is a moment that we need to let go, when there is a moment that we need to say, actually this relationship is not serving me.

I'm trying and I'm working on all of this, but actually maybe this is not the right relationship for me.

How we can differentiate between those two, between healthy challenges that we overcoming with our partners versus actually, this is not for me anymore.

Right. I love that. You know, if you have quite a long list of things that aren't working for you, that's probably one sign.

But if you're not really sure, I would say try it on. Try on not having the relationship in your being for 48 hours. Imagine what it's like to not have it and, and see what it creates for you.

Because really the only way you're going to start knowing is choosing something different. So if you choose that and try on ending the relationship for 48 hours, they don't even have to know.

Take that noise out and just say, okay, I'm done with this.

What would my life be like if I end this relationship and it ends up being awareness thing, you're kind of tapping into the space beyond your mind and saying, okay, well, what would my life be like if I ended this relationship? Do I feel lighter or do I feel more heavy? And noticing how it feels, I like that.

So we're going through this as you said, 48 hours. I am on my own. I'm ending the relationship. Am I lighter or am I heavier? Okay, let's say we decide to break up the relationship.

How to do it in a positive way. I mean, it's so challenging. We are untangling ourselves from a other person who we've been in a very intimate relationship with.

Any tips for to almost like reducing that heartbreak for both parties so it doesn't become a big, nasty, toxic breakup that then has all those negative consequences for us later on?

I would say make that declaration to yourself, like, what's it going to take to have the most ease and peace with this and choose to speak from your heart and also let go of any projections or expectations of that other person because you can't control anyone else. People have their emotions. Breaking up is an emotional thing. You, you gotta kind of take care of yourself, know where you're coming from. And how.

What's it gonna take to have the most ease with it and just let consciousness support you in that. And I always say that you know as much as you can speak from the heart.

And even saying what you just said, saying, the last thing I want is to have this be a terrible, painful, super toxic thing for us. What will it take? And include that person say, tell me, like, what can we do?

What do you want to do to ensure that we're doing this in the easiest way possible?

We're coming back to the very clear, open communication about quite difficult issues, which again, I think is one of the big learning curves for our of us to not expect our partner to be a fortune teller, have a crystal ball, know what we want from your work with clients, what helps that successful and positive communication in relationships.

Learning about communication.

For example, the love languages are quite interesting because you can define your own love language, whatever that is, if it's acts of service or physical touch or words of affirmation. And know what your partner's love language is and be that for your partner. Like for example, I, I really do well with words of affirmation.

I've had to learn to share this with my partner and we've learned to share with each other.

I didn't even know this until I did, you know, most of my life I didn't know that when I got stressed or anxious that I get kind of controlling and snippy and that's what would happen. And before we had a conversation about it, my partner Larry, he would take that as a personal attack and he would be offended by that.

It took time to get to the place where actually when that's happening for me, what's really helpful for me is if you say, hey, babe, are you okay? We got this, something very simple, very short, and it regulates me, it relaxes me.

And for him, when he gets kind of anxious, I know the cues for him. I know that if I give him a hug or put my hand on his shoulder, that that helps him feel supported. So that's been absolutely life changing.

So, so simple, right? Because we're speaking about one sentence of positive affirmation or very quick tap on the shoulder, as he's saying, but such a big impact.

It's really being willing to be what they need so that you can have more peace and happiness in the relationship. It really is life changing when you know how to support your partner and you have a plan. I think of it like creating a map.

And for me, because I found love later in life I was married at 43 for the first time. My husband and I, we had this one weekend where we weren't talking to each other and we were just, like, at each other the whole weekend.

And I was so mad. And I was really just needing to be right. You know, I was just like, oh, holding a grudge with it.

And it wasn't until I decided, I said, wait a second. I put a lot of energy into creating my relationship. I love this person. Why am I wasting time like this? I don't want to waste time like this.

So that was the day I said, you know what? Let's just drop this. And we had a conversation. We started to begin the process of understanding how we can be better for each other.

And that has changed so many things.

Final question here in terms of any practical tips for listeners to take on board? So, you know, they will be finishing the episode.

What are maybe a quick few fixes that they could be doing straight away to help them with the happy love?

Well, I love that this podcast has happy in it.

I would say what brings you joy mean, I say how you love your life is your love life and that, you know, your relationship space is not separate from everything else. So what are you creating in your life that brings you joy? And that's where you're going to one.

If you're looking for a partner, if you're enjoying your life now, that's when you're most attractive and that's when you're probably living your values, because that's what lights you up. And if you're in a relationship, it may be time to look at that. Like, are we having fun? What could we. What novelty?

What new things can we bring into this relationship that could make it more exciting?

Brilliant. Love it. So a little bit of reflection for all the listeners. And as you mentioned, this is a podcast about happiness. So, Macy, what makes you happy?

What makes me happy are my cute animals.

I love.

Like, you're not mentioning your husband. Okay, animals.

Oh, oh, he's in there, too. But I really do love animals. And that's actually why we really like each other, too, because we both are major animal lovers.

Brilliant. That sounds fantastic. Again, thank you so much, Macy, for coming to the end. Happiness. It was such a absolutely pleasure to be talking with you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, thank you, Maisie, for so many great insights. A few things to consider of implementing.

So, first of all, if you are looking for a relationship, the tip of enjoying your life now and thinking what brings me joy now was very powerful.

And I feel I really wish I.

Knew that when I was single. Secondly, I have been in a relationship with my husband for last 11 years and I found the question how can we be better for each other?

Very empowering, especially during disagreements when using that question helped us both to concentrate on positive solutions.

And third one I have shared the 48 hour test of mentally breaking up with someone with one of my friend who is going through a rough patch in her relationship and was seeking my advice. She said she found it very insightful to list all the alternatives of not being together to clarify her thoughts and fears.

So as always, I dare you to try these tips to find and build happy love. And if you are after more content about relationships, there are two great episodes to listen to.

So Kindness Season 1 Episode 11 talks about how to be kind to yourself and others and how not to fall into a trap of being too kind at the expense of own happiness and relationship. Season 2 episode 28 dives into importance of empathy and connecting online with others.

Next month, I'm looking forward to welcoming you to Music and Happiness to find out more about music therapy and type of melodies that can cheer you up. In meantime, as always, I dare you to be happy. Bye.