Shownotes
There is a kind of woman who looks like she has it all together and is running on empty inside. The hardest part is not the exhaustion. It is the pretending.
Heather Stewart on why high-functioning women learn to perform okay, where it quietly shows up in an ordinary day, and the small honest sentence that starts to undo it.
About the Guest:
Heather Stewart is a Toronto-based transformation facilitator, speaker, and author of Illuminate Your Worth. A former corporate finance professional, she created the Thriving Life Method™.
Key Takeaways:
- The pretending costs more than the tiredness. Naming it out loud is where the recovery starts.
- You were not born believing you must hold everything together. You learned it, which means you can unlearn it.
- Asking is not demanding. Demanding tries to control. Asking simply lets people know what you need.
- A no from someone else does not mean you were wrong to ask.
- Slipping back is not starting from zero. You keep the practice. You just begin again from here.
Connect With the Guest:
Website: heatherstewart.coach | Free community: illuminateyourworth.com | Book: Illuminate Your Worth
Episode Chapters: (approx.)
[00:00] The Spark: what if you didn't have to pretend anymore
[02:30] Trained to Be the Glue: why "I'm fine" became the default
[07:00] Not Your Fault, Still Your Pattern: where the performing was learned
[12:00] The Small Moments: a workshop, a family dinner, and a schedule quietly overridden
[17:00] Ask, Don't Demand: the one sentence that changes the conversation
[22:00] Breadcrumbs Back: who were you before all the accommodating started
[27:00] When the Old Voice Returns: pause, breathe, and begin again from here
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Transcripts
00:00:08 Shreya: welcome to Soul Sparks. I'm your host, Shreya, and this is your few minutes to light something up inside. Today we are talking about what happens when you stop performing, okay and start living from your real world. Short conversations, but it might just shift something. My guess does this work beautifully? Heather Stewart is a Toronto based author, speaker, and transforming facilitator who helps high functioning women stop pretending that they are okay and start living in alignment with their true worth. So welcome, Heather. I'm honored to have you on my show.
00:00:45 Heather Stewart : Thanks, Shreya. It's so great to talk with you.
00:00:48 Shreya: Thank you so much. And with that, Heather, first of all, I'm really glad to have you here. And let's start by clearing something up. So people assume that a woman who looks successful and put together must feel that way too. But you work with exactly those women, and the insight tells a different story. So what do people most misunderstand about the high functioning woman who is quietly exhausted?
00:01:14 Heather Stewart : Well, we've been women especially have been trained for so long on. You have to be the dependable glue that holds life together, right? So if you can, you can see it in, in so many places. And if if something happens where, you know, what if mom is sick, You know, the whole world falls apart because no one's making dinner, no one's doing anything. So we've been trained really well on how to appear. Like everything is fine, even when it isn't to the point where we even try to convince ourselves. I'm not saying everybody's life is falling apart, but we try to convince ourselves that we are failing somehow. If we're not fine, if we're if we're faking it. Because so many of the things that are shown to us through social media, through advertising, through through marketing, even through probably our friends who don't want us to know that they're having a hard time. Everything is shown to us is everyone has their life put together and everyone is doing great. But if you could see behind the scenes, you know, being human is a bit messy. Things aren't always perfect, things aren't always going as you want. And the more that you try to hide what's actually going on. You don't have to live, you know, your life out loud on social media and the computers and everything, the way that, um, life has been unfolding. But if you don't share with your inner circle what's actually going on with you and you fake it, that's, that adds an extra stress to you that you have to live in a certain way. You're supposed to show yourself in a certain way. You're supposed to show yourself, as always, put together, and you're not always going to be all put together. Some days it's just not going to be your day, right? And it's okay to be that way. And it's okay. Like part of it is learning to trust. It's okay to not always be perfect. It's almost impossible.
00:03:13 Shreya: And also, like when she finally admits that she is not okay but shifts for her.
00:03:22 Heather Stewart : When you finally admit you're not okay, that's the chance for you to start to heal. That's the chance for you to start to have your own needs met. And I've worked with someone, women who didn't even know what their needs were anymore because they they didn't know what made them happy anymore because they hadn't looked at it for so long. So don't like that. My first thing is don't, don't be afraid if you don't know what your needs are, because that's normal. But it's your chance to start to recover. And when you recover, you when you recover your energy and yourself and you admit that you, you aren't perfect all the time and that you need maybe some help or you need a break or you need something different when you. When you get to that place, you become a more full expression of who you are. You become a fuller person. And it actually makes you more available to help the people who depend on you. And it seems like it's the opposite. Like for some people, they're working so hard, they're working so hard to take care of everyone except themselves. And if they took care of themselves, then it would actually make it easier for them to take care of everyone else in a different way, in a different way, in a more supportive way.
00:04:39 Speaker 3: That's a very powerful reframe.
00:04:40 Shreya: Like the pretending itself was the heaviest part, and just naming it out loud starts to lift it. And I think a lot of women listening just excelled. And let's go a little deeper. Like underneath the pretending there is usually something driving it. So from your work, what is really going on beneath the surface when a woman feels she has to keep performing? Okay.
00:05:05 Heather Stewart : This, this is patterns that have go back so far. Sometimes they're cultural, sometimes they're learned through your family or what you've seen. I mean, your mother probably did it right. So we learn, we learn these patterns. We don't come into this world thinking, oh, I have to take care of everyone and take care of everything. We learn it over time, and it's Be enforced by, um, learnings that we've had. You know, maybe you were told, oh, she's so helpful. Like you, you learned that it's good to be helpful and people will, you know, the kids will everybody else for their mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, I need this, I need this, I need this. Even if you don't have kids, there's people who are probably depend on you. It happens at work too, where if you are the busy person who can always get it done, they're always going to give it to you, right? Even if you if you don't speak up and say, I can't do anymore. So when you shift it, when you shift it, the freedom comes, the freedom comes to be able to be yourself. So finding this way, like out of this old pattern, you don't have to name where it came from, but being able to recognize that you are following a belief and a behavior that life is supposed to be a certain way. And that's not necessarily a truth. That's just a belief that you have and something you've learned. And the great thing is you can change it. You can say, yes, my mother was always available and she, you know, drove herself into the grave. Or, you know, my grandmother always did this. That was what they learned. But you can you can learn something different, right? You can be a different way.
00:06:58 Shreya: Yeah. I think the idea that the pretending is often tied to hurt, to feeling, uh, we have to earn our place by holding on it together. I think that stays with people. Like it takes the shape out of it. And, uh, I'm very curious about everyday version of this. So not the big breakdown, but the small moments. So for a woman listening right now, where does this pretending quietly show up in an ordinary day?
00:07:27 Heather Stewart : Oh, it shows up like everywhere. I mean, think about if you. I'm just thinking of a friend of mine who she wanted to. She was attending a workshop and she had signed up for this workshop. She was excited for this workshop. And the family decided, well, we have to go out for dinner that night with for someone's birthday. So they just changed her schedule. And instead of saying, well, I wanted to go to this thing, can we, you know, just adjust it even just, you know, just adjust the timing. They said, no, this is what's happening and you're going to adjust your schedule. So you're always accommodating other people, even in small ways. So, um, when, when you know, with kids, I, I think parents now accommodate children to, to a, an extreme that I didn't see when I was growing up. And I know some parents will cook If they have three children, they'll cook three different meals because the kids won't all eat the same thing. It's like, why are you why are you doing that? You know, to accommodate all of these little humans, instead of teaching them, teaching them some resilience, maybe they cook their own dinner if they they don't like what you're cooking. And why do you have to cook for them? You know, at some point, yes. When they're little, you have to cook for them. But if you are always serving, always serving, and there's no reciprocity. So being of service is fine. You know, being of I, I am a believer in being of service, but I also believe that there needs to be an equal balance between giving and receiving. And sometimes you're going to give more. But to balance it off, sometimes you need to be open to receiving. Sometimes women the block is that they don't know how to receive. Right. And they've trained people how not that they don't receive, so they don't offer anything for them.
00:09:24 Shreya: And in that moment, what is one small, honest thing she can do? Instead of saying I am fine.
00:09:32 Heather Stewart : Instead of saying you're fine, saying asking for what you need. So it's so interesting. I actually wrote an article. I released an article on Substack yesterday about this, and it was being able to speak out loud like my friend. She could have said, um, I understand we want to have a family dinner. We want to celebrate together. I, it is important to me to attend this workshop. Let's talk about how we can make this work instead of, you know, saying becoming defensive or turning yourself off, just having a conversation about it. Like the easiest way to, to start to have to, to have your needs met is to speak them and you ask for. You don't have to demand because demanding is something different. Demanding is trying to control. You are asking and speaking. This is what I need right now. And the person might say no, because maybe they don't have the capacity to help you at that time. Maybe they're they're going through something, but asking for what you need is the only way that you're going to let those people know what you need and allow them to help you. So when you, if, if this person had asked for. Let's talk about how we can shift this a little bit so that it works for everybody. She might not have felt so shut down and so stressed out that she couldn't. She needed to rush out of the thing that she wanted to attend, and she couldn't enjoy herself.
00:11:09 Shreya: I think that's so doable. Like you're describing one small act of honesty, not a whole life overhaul. I love that it fits into a real ordinary day. And let's get to the heart of it. Like not a quick fix, an actual way back to yourself or the woman ready to stop pretending and start living from her real work. What is the path you would point her toward?
00:11:36 Heather Stewart : So it's not like you said, you know, it's small things. It's not going to be a big flip overnight because people have gotten used to the way that you are in the world. So when you start to change who you are and how you speak and what you will accept for yourself, it is going to disrupt other people. So just know that right off the bat, it's in in small ways and big ways, maybe even subconsciously. But when you start saying no and no isn't no is a valid answer. You don't have to justify saying no to people. When you start saying no or start asking for things that you need, people are going to be confused at first. So the best way to start to implement it is to really look at yourself and notice where the first part is noticing. First you have to notice where you're doing it right. You have to notice where you're shutting yourself down, where you're not seeing what you need, where you're accommodating everyone else, and get a little clarity around that. You don't have to know the exact reason why, but you need to start to recognize that you're doing it. And then once you realize that you're doing it, you have a choice. You can keep doing it. Maybe there's some instances where you choose to keep doing it, or you can start to ask for what you need, and you are taking a chance here because you're asking and you don't know what the response is going to be from the other side. And it's going to take a little bit of courage to do this, I recognize that. But the only way to get any change is to take that, to take that chance and to take that courageous step, to say, to say the know that you need to say or to ask for the thing that you need. And if someone says no, it doesn't mean you were wrong to ask. If someone says no, it doesn't mean that you are too much or you know you're being inappropriate. It just means that maybe that person can't do that or they're not ready for that. But that doesn't mean you should never stop asking for the things that you need.
00:13:45 Shreya: And for the woman who has been disconnected so long that she is not sure who she even is underneath, where does she start?
00:13:56 Heather Stewart : Oh, right. This is so this is hard for some people because they have they don't know who they are anymore. So sometimes what I do is I'll just ask people about when they were younger, because this often comes up when people are more in their mid-life, right? More like they've had the wife, the kids and the family, and they've spent all of their energy and their time looking after all of these people, and they have forgotten. So I asked them about who they were when they were younger, you know, what did you dream about? What did you think about? What did you enjoy? And it doesn't mean that they have to enjoy those things now, but it helps them reconnect with the person that they used to be before I tried. It depends how far back we have to go, but before all of the life conditioning came in, before all of that started to change, before they started, you know, trying to accommodate everyone else. Because at some point in your life, you learned it. So if we can go back far enough, we can go to the person you were before, and then you can get those breadcrumbs to who you were and who and what you need and what would make you happy. And sometimes it's just like, what do you do in your spare time? But if you don't have any spare time, you don't know what you like.
00:15:19 Speaker 4: I think I think that.
00:15:20 Shreya: Reframes it beautifully, like you were not asking, uh, to have it figured out just to reconnect with herself one step at a time. I think there is real hope in that. And, uh, one last spark and one honest one. Uh, even after the breakthrough, the old pretending creeps back or heartbreak hits, and she's right back on autopilot. You know this rhythm. So how do you stay in alignment when the old patterns return.
00:15:54 Heather Stewart : And they come back in a sneaky way? Sometimes. Sometimes they come back in ways like disguised. So the knowing that change is never a one and done. It's never, you're never going to be like, I've gotten rid of this pattern and it's gone forever. So it's just that that awareness, like I was on a, I was my podcast was earlier today and I was just talking about how I still have that little voice in my head that pops in every now and then and, and starts to criticize and tell me I'm doing something wrong. But I've been practicing long enough that I recognize when that voice comes in and I and I say hello to this voice and ask it, you know, why are you still here? What do you want? What are you trying to do? What are you trying to keep me from doing? What? Where does this story come from that you're telling me? And it's just practicing understanding the the things that are going on inside of you to the extent that you can and being able to, to make a decision to do something different. So having that, like for, for a lot of this, if you see old patterns starting, you can just pause before you do anything, before you say anything. If someone asks you something, if someone's demanding something of you, just take like even five seconds. It'll seem really long. Take a breath. Give yourself a minute. Have a drink of water just so you can give yourself a minute to really decide what your answer is going to be. And just don't answer automatically. It's the automatic answers. That's where the patterns come back in.
00:17:43 Shreya: Yeah. And like, uh, what would you say to a woman who feels like she slipped right back into pretending?
00:17:52 Heather Stewart : Then you start over. The only I mean, think about any time. I don't know if you've ever tried to train a dog like a pet dog. When they're puppies, you're trying to train them to do something, or even watching little kids try to learn to walk. They try. It works, and then it fails. And then it works. And then it fails. And then. But eventually, the more they practice it, than the less times they fall down or they go back to their old way. So when you see it and if you've just gone right back into it, then good for you for recognizing that you went back into it. And then you start again, you start again, but you're not starting from zero. So people think if they're starting that starting over, they're starting from zero. You can never start from zero because you've, you've already had some practice, you've already had some experience, you've already been doing it. You just forgot. So now start again from where you are and keep moving forward. It's not over. It's a continuation.
00:18:54 Shreya: That's, I think one, one thing people will carry home. Slipping back doesn't erase the work. And coming home to yourself is a practice you return to, not a finish line. I think that's beautifully said. And, uh, in in this conversation, like the listeners who are listening to this, especially the women, what is one thing you want them to carry from this conversation?
00:19:23 Heather Stewart : Oh, that you can choose. I would love people to understand that. I mean, I my book, I had a book come out last year called Illuminate Your Worth. Every person, man or woman or whatever you identify has an intrinsic worth. And they are here to shine a light. And the more that you turn your self off to accommodate others, the dimmer the world gets. So let's light up the world with all these shiny souls. And stop pretending you're okay. Stop pretending and just let yourself shine and be okay. That you're not going to be okay with everybody. Not everybody's going to love your light. But the world needs more lights. So turn them all on. That's what I want.
00:20:20 Shreya: That's beautifully said. And this is a beautiful conversation. Uh, if there is one thing I am carrying from this conversation is that you were never meant to earn your worth by pretending you were okay. It was always yours. Uh. The bravest thing you can do is to stop performing and start living like you mean it. And after this conversation, uh, if my listeners want to connect with you and want to learn more about you or about your work, then what's the best place to find you?
00:20:54 Heather Stewart : The best place to find me is Heather Stewart dot coach. And that's my website. It has everything there. I have a free community at Illuminate Your Worth dot com, but you can get there from Heather Stewart dot coach. And I also, I mean, I also offer people a free hour with me to, to go through my thriving life method to help people figure out where it is that they're getting themselves hung up, right, and give them some idea to help them identify a pattern that they might not be able to see. Sometimes you need someone outside of you to see the pattern, right? So I offer that as complimentary because I want people, I really want people to, to be able to identify where they are getting in their own way, really, and help them move forward.
00:21:46 Speaker 4: Yes.
00:21:46 Shreya: And I'll make sure to attach all these details and links below in the show notes so that the listeners can find them easily and get in touch with you. And thank you again, Heather. Uh, giving women permission to stop pretending is a real gift. And I think a lot of people felt that tonight. And to all my listeners, sometime tomorrow, when you were about to say, I find out of habit. Just pause. Ask yourself if it's true. You don't have to tell the whole world. Just stop hiding it from yourself. That's where coming home begins. I'm Shreya. This was the soul. Sparks keep glowing. And do not forget to hit the follow button. Subscribe and feel free to share your thoughts because your ears deserve premium content. Thank you.
