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WoW 106: On feeling hurt in a relationship [Words of Wisdom]
Episode 1625th October 2023 • Words of Wisdom • Josh Kalsbeek, LMFT
00:00:00 00:06:24

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About Josh Kalsbeek, LMFT

• As a Psychoherapist I help people overcome their greatest struggles.

•Founder and CEO of Great Oaks Collective, and it's flagship program Overcome, a 10-Week virtual Intensive Outpatient Program for Christian couples experiencing sexual betrayal and addiction. www.greatoakscollective.com

• Sign up to receive my weekly email newsletter, Words of Wisdom. ​

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When you feel something is wrong, pause. Take a breath and connect to ​what you are feeling​

Pastor Rustin and I give a 2 hour talk on ​spiritual strongholds and how they disrupt relationships​.

Being connected to your feelings is only part of ​awareness​

The best way to the deepest forms of awareness is to simply go ​deeper​ into a daily practice of prayer. 

Carl Rogers, ​A way of Being​

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Transcripts

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Words of Wisdom.

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106.

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On Feeling Hurt in a Relationship.

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When you see something wrong in

your relationship, it is often

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first experienced through pain.

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You may feel misunderstood,

disrespected, abandoned.

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Ignored, unseen, offended, confused,

surprised, angry, scared, or ashamed.

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When you feel something is

wrong, pause, take a breath, and

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connect to what you are feeling.

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Unspeakable damage comes from our

unwillingness to sit and feel.

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This business of getting present

and feeling is courageous

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work, but a necessary step

in the path to mature living.

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Simply slowing down to identify

and feel your feelings is gold.

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We can try to avoid our feelings.

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We can be consumed by them, or

we can feel and deal with them.

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You may feel something for a few seconds,

or a few minutes, but feelings fluctuate.

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Feelings are not constant, but it

is valuable to sit and be aware

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of your feelings for many reasons.

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Significantly, they are

a map to your thoughts.

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If you aren't aware you feel

something, you can have difficulty

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identifying why you feel that way.

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The meaning you make of your

environment determines your reality.

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How you perceive something your partner

does influences how you feel about it.

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A common cycle is to perceive

a threat, feel the danger, and

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respond with defensiveness or

shutting down to protect yourself.

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Pastor Rustin and I covered this

in some detail in this two hour

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talk on spiritual strongholds and

how they disrupt relationships.

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If you haven't given it a listen,

I urge you to check it out.

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It was awesome.

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Being connected to your feelings

is only part of awareness.

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A deeper part of awareness is noticing

and nurturing what God is saying to you.

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In the future, I will say more about

silence and solitude and prayer, but

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the best way to learn the deepest

forms of awareness simply go deeper

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into a daily practice of prayer.

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To do that, you can go

to theflourishingway.

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co slash deeper, where I have

guided prayers to help you go

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deeper in practicing prayer.

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Separating out your feelings from your

thoughts is critical to awareness.

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You may feel something, but this is

not the same as thinking something.

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You may feel ignored, but that does

not mean, "my partner ignored me."

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Separate out your partner's

intent from your feelings.

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Don't assume the worst about

your partner's intentions.

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Your partner may not have

intended to ignore you,

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disregard you, or disrespect you.

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Seek to assume the best

about others intentions.

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Then, if proven otherwise, give grace.

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And remember the dark moments

you have intended wrong.

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One thing my clients will tell you is

that I often ask them some version of the

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question, what is the opportunity here?

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We can come to see conflict

as an opportunity to connect,

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to grow, and to love.

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It's up to you in how you look at it.

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Another learning I would like to

mention briefly is one of which I am

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not proud, but which seems to be a fact.

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When I am not prized and

appreciated, I not only feel very

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much diminished, but my behavior is

actually affected by my feelings.

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When I am prized, I blossom and expand.

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I'm an interesting individual.

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In a hostile or unappreciative group,

I am just not much of anything.

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People wonder, with very good reason,

how did he ever get a reputation?

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I wish I had the strength to be more

similar in both kinds of groups.

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But actually, the person I am in a warm

and interested group is different from the

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person I am in a hostile or cold group.

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Thus, Prizing or loving and being

prized or loved is experienced

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as very growth enhancing.

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A person who is loved appreciatively,

not possessively, blooms and

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develops his own unique self.

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The person who loves non

possessively is himself enriched.

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This, at least, has been my experience.

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By Carl Rogers, in his

book, A Way of Being.

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Questions.

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Here are a list of questions to help

you get more clarity in your thinking

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when you feel hurt in a relationship.

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Ask yourself, What is needed?

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How can I give generous assumptions?

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What do I feel?

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What meaning am I making?

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What am I speculating about?

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What is true?

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What would serve my healing?

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How can I be gentle?

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What is the courageous

next step I could take?

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God, what do you have for me here?

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How can I serve?

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Is there something I want to request?

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Use these questions as a journal

prompt and prayers for this week.

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End note, even conflict is an

opportunity for connection.

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Your feelings, no matter what you

feel, are an opportunity to connect

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with yourself, identify what you need,

move closer to God, and serve others.

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Live wisely.

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Josh

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