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Words of Wisdom.
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106.
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On Feeling Hurt in a Relationship.
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When you see something wrong in
your relationship, it is often
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first experienced through pain.
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You may feel misunderstood,
disrespected, abandoned.
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Ignored, unseen, offended, confused,
surprised, angry, scared, or ashamed.
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When you feel something is
wrong, pause, take a breath, and
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connect to what you are feeling.
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Unspeakable damage comes from our
unwillingness to sit and feel.
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This business of getting present
and feeling is courageous
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work, but a necessary step
in the path to mature living.
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Simply slowing down to identify
and feel your feelings is gold.
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We can try to avoid our feelings.
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We can be consumed by them, or
we can feel and deal with them.
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You may feel something for a few seconds,
or a few minutes, but feelings fluctuate.
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Feelings are not constant, but it
is valuable to sit and be aware
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of your feelings for many reasons.
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Significantly, they are
a map to your thoughts.
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If you aren't aware you feel
something, you can have difficulty
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identifying why you feel that way.
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The meaning you make of your
environment determines your reality.
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How you perceive something your partner
does influences how you feel about it.
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A common cycle is to perceive
a threat, feel the danger, and
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respond with defensiveness or
shutting down to protect yourself.
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Pastor Rustin and I covered this
in some detail in this two hour
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talk on spiritual strongholds and
how they disrupt relationships.
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If you haven't given it a listen,
I urge you to check it out.
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It was awesome.
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Being connected to your feelings
is only part of awareness.
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A deeper part of awareness is noticing
and nurturing what God is saying to you.
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In the future, I will say more about
silence and solitude and prayer, but
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the best way to learn the deepest
forms of awareness simply go deeper
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into a daily practice of prayer.
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To do that, you can go
to theflourishingway.
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co slash deeper, where I have
guided prayers to help you go
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deeper in practicing prayer.
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Separating out your feelings from your
thoughts is critical to awareness.
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You may feel something, but this is
not the same as thinking something.
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You may feel ignored, but that does
not mean, "my partner ignored me."
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Separate out your partner's
intent from your feelings.
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Don't assume the worst about
your partner's intentions.
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Your partner may not have
intended to ignore you,
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disregard you, or disrespect you.
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Seek to assume the best
about others intentions.
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Then, if proven otherwise, give grace.
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And remember the dark moments
you have intended wrong.
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One thing my clients will tell you is
that I often ask them some version of the
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question, what is the opportunity here?
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We can come to see conflict
as an opportunity to connect,
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to grow, and to love.
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It's up to you in how you look at it.
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Another learning I would like to
mention briefly is one of which I am
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not proud, but which seems to be a fact.
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When I am not prized and
appreciated, I not only feel very
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much diminished, but my behavior is
actually affected by my feelings.
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When I am prized, I blossom and expand.
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I'm an interesting individual.
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In a hostile or unappreciative group,
I am just not much of anything.
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People wonder, with very good reason,
how did he ever get a reputation?
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I wish I had the strength to be more
similar in both kinds of groups.
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But actually, the person I am in a warm
and interested group is different from the
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person I am in a hostile or cold group.
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Thus, Prizing or loving and being
prized or loved is experienced
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as very growth enhancing.
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A person who is loved appreciatively,
not possessively, blooms and
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develops his own unique self.
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The person who loves non
possessively is himself enriched.
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This, at least, has been my experience.
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By Carl Rogers, in his
book, A Way of Being.
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Questions.
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Here are a list of questions to help
you get more clarity in your thinking
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when you feel hurt in a relationship.
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Ask yourself, What is needed?
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How can I give generous assumptions?
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What do I feel?
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What meaning am I making?
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What am I speculating about?
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What is true?
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What would serve my healing?
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How can I be gentle?
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What is the courageous
next step I could take?
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God, what do you have for me here?
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How can I serve?
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Is there something I want to request?
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Use these questions as a journal
prompt and prayers for this week.
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End note, even conflict is an
opportunity for connection.
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Your feelings, no matter what you
feel, are an opportunity to connect
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with yourself, identify what you need,
move closer to God, and serve others.
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Live wisely.
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Josh
