How to deal with any form of loss, bereavement, or grief. Dr Demartini shares more about a process he's been using with thousands of individuals that transforms grief into gratitude.
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If you were to die,
Speaker:would you want your loved ones to be
mourning and grieving and affected and
Speaker:altered in a depressive way for
any period of time? They go No.
Speaker:I want my loved ones to go on and
live their life to the fullest.
Speaker:In everyone's life,
somewhere along the line,
Speaker:you're going to have some
perception of a loss, a bereavement.
Speaker:It could be a loss of a pet, it
could be a loss of an individual,
Speaker:it could be a loss of money,
Speaker:it could be a loss of just about
anything that you attach to.
Speaker:A loss of a friend, a loss of a
client, a loss of a business contact,
Speaker:loss of opportunity, loss of a
child that goes off to college.
Speaker:Anytime you perceive a
loss and you're having
Speaker:grief, I'd like to address the
topic, a new perspective on grief.
Speaker:I've been fascinated by this particular
topic for a long time, decades.
Speaker:I was in El Salvador many years
ago, back in: Speaker:and I had just come in from surfing,
Speaker:and I was walking through the street of
a little town called La Libertad in El
Speaker:Salvador. And I came across this
procession, this parade of people,
Speaker:probably two to 300 people.
And it looked like a party,
Speaker:like a celebration. So I spoke a little
bit of Spanish and I asked somebody,
Speaker:qué pasa? What happened?
Speaker:And finally somebody said
to me and said, well,
Speaker:we're celebrating the death
of our mayor. And I thought,
Speaker:what, they're celebrating and
partying about the death of the mayor.
Speaker:And in my mind, I was taught that,
you know, when somebody dies,
Speaker:there's a little bit of wearing a black
and there's mourning and there's quiet
Speaker:and solemn and this kind of thing.
Speaker:That was what I was culturally ingrained
with. It's what you see on television.
Speaker:It's what you see pretty well
everywhere. And all of a sudden,
Speaker:this was a bit of a twist.
So I followed the procession.
Speaker:They went down to where they
were burying the individual,
Speaker:and they had a party,
and they had celebration,
Speaker:and people were having a
completely different perspective.
Speaker:And I asked one of the
individuals, you know,
Speaker:why are they celebrating
He said, the guy said, because,
Speaker:their belief, the spirit is freed.
Speaker:It's like a bird that's freed
and it can fly freely now,
Speaker:it's not constrained by this body.
It's almost platonic in its teachings.
Speaker:And that didn't go away from
my mind. I was thinking,
Speaker:why is it that this culture has a
perspective of celebration and freedom?
Speaker:And they're partying and
remembering the joyful parts of that
Speaker:person's life and now their freedom.
Speaker:And then if you go to maybe Greece or
somewhere in Europe where you see a death,
Speaker:there's mourning and black, and
you know, it's a complete opposite.
Speaker:At that moment I started to ask
the question, is bereavement, loss,
Speaker:and the grief associated with it cultural?
Speaker:Is it because of way we
perceive things, what we expect?
Speaker:I started probing into it. That's when
I first got interested in the topic.
Speaker:And I went into later
brain research and studying
Speaker:the neurochemistry, and I found something.
Speaker:And you may want to write this, it
may be a bit shocking to some of you.
Speaker:It was a bit of a shock to me initially.
Speaker:But now I've had the opportunity to help
probably 5,000 people have the death
Speaker:process with people and help
them transition this thing.
Speaker:And so I've got it down to a science
now and know how to deal with it,
Speaker:show people how to transition
smoothly through it.
Speaker:But if you stop and ask people when
they've just lost somebody or a dog or
Speaker:something, and ask them, what
specifically is it that you are missing?
Speaker:And they'll start to say, well, everything
about them. And I'll say Everything?
Speaker:So you missed their arguments? Well,
no. You missed their yelling? No.
Speaker:You missed when they were
late to go places? No.
Speaker:The dirty sink and dirty
dishes and dirty this and? No.
Speaker:So you didn't miss everything. So let's
find out what you actually did miss.
Speaker:And when we actually
outlined what they missed,
Speaker:I found out that every one of the
things that you think you miss,
Speaker:that you're grieving the loss of are all
the things that you were a bit attached
Speaker:to infatuated with,
admiring and looked up to.
Speaker:In other words, the idea that somebody,
Speaker:let's say you're in a marriage
and somebody had an affair,
Speaker:you don't miss that part.
But you might miss their affection and
their hugging and their special attention
Speaker:to you.
Speaker:So the first thing I realized is that
everything that we're missing is only the
Speaker:parts that we were subjectively
biasing, interpreting as positive,
Speaker:more than negative. So we didn't
miss all of them. In fact,
Speaker:when I actually looked carefully the
things that they didn't like about the
Speaker:person, 'cause if you are
actually married to somebody,
Speaker:initially when you meet them,
Speaker:you may be infatuated with them and
see only the positives and upsides and
Speaker:conscious of those. And then eventually
you discover there's other sides,
Speaker:other aspects.
Speaker:But I find that there's actually a relief
of the loss of the parts you didn't
Speaker:like. And there's a grief of
the loss of the parts you liked.
Speaker:And that was a really
interesting realization.
Speaker:So that meant that you're really
judging somebody if you're grieving.
Speaker:And you're dividing the individual
up into parts you liked and disliked.
Speaker:And because of our amygdala,
our subcortical amygdala,
Speaker:which wants to avoid
predator and seek prey,
Speaker:wants to avoid challenge and seek support,
Speaker:wants to avoid negatives
and seek positives,
Speaker:we go into our amygdala upon the death
process, which is a survival response,
Speaker:and we tend to concentrate on
the things that are positive,
Speaker:and then we fear the loss of the things
that we attach to that is positive,
Speaker:and we fear the gain or the things
that we resent about a person.
Speaker:So that means we have grief over
the loss of the parts we admire,
Speaker:and we have relief over the
parts we despised. Let me
give you an example again.
Speaker:When Donald Trump was involved somehow,
Speaker:directly or indirectly with the military,
Speaker:and they took care of a
particular individual in Iran,
Speaker:a general in Iran, and they basically
killed this general in Iran.
Speaker:Now he was classified as a
terrorist in America. But in Iran,
Speaker:when he was killed,
Speaker:I believe it was 5 million people
came out and mourned his death.
Speaker:He was a hero there and
a villain in America.
Speaker:So the people that saw him as a hero
that admired him, they were grieving.
Speaker:And the people that saw him as a villain,
they were relieving and celebrating.
Speaker:They literally celebrated.
We got him. Now,
Speaker:I'm sure that if we looked honestly at
this general, that he was a hero villain.
Speaker:He had things that you liked and disliked.
Speaker:It just so happened that
some of the things that he
did one culture disliked and
Speaker:another culture liked. If somebody
was to look at me, they would easily,
Speaker:if they videotape me and had a drone
watching me for a period of two,
Speaker:three months and they
videotaped 24 hours a day,
Speaker:they could find and easily edit out with
yellow journalism, a hero or a villain,
Speaker:a saint or a sinner. I'm both nice
and mean. You support my values,
Speaker:I'm nice as a pussycat. You challenge
my values I can be mean as a tiger.
Speaker:So it's easy to see that if you're in
your life, if you're honest with yourself,
Speaker:you've got two sides. And when
you're married to somebody,
Speaker:you get to know those two sides, and
you really learn to love both sides.
Speaker:That's what you're loving. You're
admiring one, you're despising the other,
Speaker:but that's what goes with the package.
Speaker:So when somebody's grieving
the loss of somebody,
Speaker:they're grieving the loss of the parts
that they were infatuated with. Now,
Speaker:when you infatuate with some
part and admire some part,
Speaker:like some part and attach to
it, you're activating oxytocin,
Speaker:which is a bonding compound.
Vasopressin is a bonding compound.
Speaker:You're getting dopamine,
you're getting enkephalins,
Speaker:you're associating pleasures with
it and the withdrawal symptoms,
Speaker:like a drug addiction
if you have withdrawal,
Speaker:the withdrawal symptoms of drug
addiction when you don't have the drug,
Speaker:is similar to grief.
Speaker:So you're having a withdrawal of those
neurochemistries in the brain when you're
Speaker:having a perception, a perception
of loss of that which you admired.
Speaker:So I developed, starting in 1976,
Speaker:a methodology designed to help
people dissolve the grief.
Speaker:And I've been using it since. Every time
I teach the Breakthrough Experience,
Speaker:I would say not every week,
but most weeks out of the year,
Speaker:I do the process. And now I'm
doing that with everybody there,
Speaker:everybody that's having any form
of grief in any degree or capacity,
Speaker:we show them how to dissolve it.
Speaker:And I haven't seen any grief that's
not dissolvable. And people go,
Speaker:what do you mean dissolve grief?
You're supposed to grieve.
Speaker:Prolonged grief syndrome has got
problems. Cardiovascular, digestive,
Speaker:dermatitis, I mean, there
are health immune responses,
Speaker:cancers are a lot associated with
prolonged grief. We did a study in Tokyo,
Speaker:actually, a few years ago,
five or six years ago now,
Speaker:where we took a group of
prolonged grief syndrome people,
Speaker:and we did before and after,
they did an evaluation before
Speaker:and they found that these people
were grieving and having difficulties
Speaker:functioning and not even able to work
everything else for at least six months or
Speaker:longer.
Speaker:And we took them through a process with
an average of two hours and 17 minutes
Speaker:and dissolved it. And they followed
them for a week, a month, a quarter,
Speaker:a quarter, a quarter, a quarter, a
quarter, a quarter, a quarter, a quarter,
Speaker:a quarter. And they followed
him for 18 months, and no grief.
Speaker:And that was something they never
seen before. And so there's,
Speaker:there is a way to help people
Speaker:rebalance out their perceptions
and therefore their chemistry.
Speaker:Pardon me. And dissolve the grief.
Speaker:Because if you look very carefully,
Speaker:every trait that you perceive
in somebody that you admire,
Speaker:it also has a downside, but you're
unconscious of it. For instance,
Speaker:you meet a guy, let's say you're a
woman, you meet this guy and you think,
Speaker:oh my God, he's so
intelligent, I like that,
Speaker:that's an aphrodisiac and it turns me on.
Speaker:And then you end up dating him and you
find out that that intelligence is also
Speaker:their argumentative, they want to be
right, they don't want to listen, they
Speaker:outwit you, they try
to manipulate you, they
Speaker:are sometimes condescending
'cause they think they know.
Speaker:There's downsides to that.
And you think, oh my God,
Speaker:they're so attractive.
Speaker:But there's downsides to that because
they're sometimes preoccupied with their
Speaker:beauty. They're not
focused on other things.
Speaker:Sometimes they're focused
on themselves more than you.
Speaker:Sometimes everybody
else is focused on them,
Speaker:and they're used to the social
things. They're sometimes entitled.
Speaker:There'sre's downsides to every
trait and upsides to every trait.
Speaker:Really no trait is positive or negative
unless you limit it to being so.
Speaker:So if you see a trait that
you are admiring and you're
still infatuated with it,
Speaker:you're unconscious of the downsides,
Speaker:and all of a sudden you ask a new
set of questions to help you see the
Speaker:downsides, and you change
the neurochemistry in there,
Speaker:you can change the grief
you only fear the loss of that which
Speaker:you are infatuated with.
Speaker:Just like you only fear the
gain of that which you resent.
Speaker:But when somehow you're infatuated
with somebody and you gain it,
Speaker:you get relief.
Speaker:If you're hungry and you're really
wanting food and they finally bring it to
Speaker:you, oh, what a relief I can eat.
Speaker:And if somebody is a real irritating
individual and they're hanging around with
Speaker:you and they finally leave,
you go, oh, what a relief.
Speaker:So these are all perceptions.
Speaker:I can take the person that you despise
that's now leaving and you're relieved
Speaker:of,
Speaker:and I can go in and ask questions to
help you see the upsides and benefits of
Speaker:them. And then I can
actually help you see, oh,
Speaker:there was two sides to that individual.
Speaker:And then the perception of relief
or grief when they come or go is
Speaker:dissolved.
Speaker:So we have the power with our perceptions
to change our chemistry and change our
Speaker:neuro physiology and even our
epigenetics and our symptoms.
Speaker:'Cause I've been doing it
for, since: Speaker:I developed a methodology that's
very concise, guarantee it,
Speaker:I've done it in every imaginable thing
from television to be on spot with a
Speaker:university study. I've not
had it fail yet. It works.
Speaker:And if for some reason you want
to grieve, the question is,
Speaker:prolonged grief syndrome
causes health problems,
Speaker:and it's associated with various
illnesses. So the question is, is why?
Speaker:Is it only because the culture
says you need to grieve?
Speaker:Remember El Salvador didn't
show that you had to grieve,
Speaker:but Greece does
wanting to subordinate to a culture?
Speaker:Is that why we're doing it?
Speaker:Are we doing it because we think that's
going to show more affection and more
Speaker:respect? I ask the question, I've asked
thousands of people this question,
Speaker:if you were to die,
Speaker:would you want your loved ones to be
mourning and grieving and affected and,
Speaker:you know,
Speaker:altered in a depressive way for
any period of time? They go, no,
Speaker:I want my loved ones to go on and live
their life to the fullest. Well, to me,
Speaker:it's more respectful to actually
honor that and when somebody passes
Speaker:honor their life while they're
alive and honor their passing.
Speaker:We sometimes compare the passing or
the loss with a comparison of what
Speaker:we thought it should have been.
They should have died later,
Speaker:or they should have disappeared later,
or they should have gone later. Well,
Speaker:who's to say? We don't know that.
Nobody knows those questions.
Speaker:But if we compare what's happening to
a fantasy about how what we think it
Speaker:should be,
Speaker:then we're going to end up being angry
and depressed and have this grief.
Speaker:So I developed a methodology,
Speaker:I teach it every time I do
the Breakthrough Experience.
Speaker:I do it in the afternoon on Sunday
in the Breakthrough Experience,
Speaker:the second day.
Speaker:And we find out individuals that are
grieving or everybody we find the most
Speaker:grieving thing that they have a
loss of, and it could be money,
Speaker:it doesn't matter what
the grief process is,
Speaker:you can follow the process and clear it.
Speaker:And we go through there and
we clear it and I ask people,
Speaker:I demonstrate when they're done,
there's no grief. And people go,
Speaker:their mind is blown sometimes, they
don't believe that's possible, I mean,
Speaker:I've had all kind of people
be skeptical and I said,
Speaker:you can be skeptical all you want,
Speaker:but come through the process
and watch what happens.
Speaker:So if you have somebody that's
grieving, if you have grief yourself,
Speaker:and that might be economic grief,
Speaker:it may be a loss of a boyfriend that
just dumped you, it could be, you know,
Speaker:somebody that's died, a cat that
died, a dog that died, a pet,
Speaker:anything that you perceive a loss
of, there's a way of dissolving it
Speaker:so you're not intrusive with
your thoughts and preoccupied,
Speaker:'cause anything you infatuate or resent,
Speaker:occupies space and time in your mind
and runs you. So if you're infatuated,
Speaker:the fear of loss of that will run
your life. And if you're resentful,
Speaker:the fear of gain of
that will run your life.
Speaker:That's why if you're highly infatuated
or resentful, you can't sleep at night.
Speaker:So anything that has intrusive thoughts
and it's running your mind and keeping
Speaker:you from being present
and poised and empowered,
Speaker:and you're fearing the loss of it or
have lost it and you're feeling grief of
Speaker:it, everything else, all
of that is dissolvable.
Speaker:And it's just the quality of your life's
based on the quality of the questions
Speaker:you ask and in the Demartini Method,
which is a method I developed,
Speaker:I have very precise
questions that dissolve it.
Speaker:And I've been doing it for, you
know, many decades now,
really formally since 1984.
And I haven't had it not work.
Speaker:It's a science and it's hard to
comprehend because for thousands of years,
Speaker:we just assume that's normal.
Animals do it, well, that's true.
Speaker:We have an animal nature in our brain,
our subcortical area of our brain,
Speaker:the amygdala that is involved in that.
But that doesn't mean we have to.
Speaker:We also have a super cortical area that's,
Speaker:that's the executive center that can
govern those and transform those by
Speaker:changing perceptions with a
more reasonable perspective.
Speaker:So if you would like a fresh
perspective on the concept of grief,
Speaker:please come to the
Breakthrough Experience. I'm
certain, and I mean certain,
Speaker:that that can be dissolved and I've
proven that over and over again
Speaker:for thousands of people
and there's no reason.
Speaker:So if you don't have it and you
want to have grief, that's fine,
Speaker:that's your business.
Speaker:But just know you are affecting your
physiology and you are possibly putting
Speaker:burden on other people by
hanging in there with that,
Speaker:unless you're using it as
a strategy to get things.
Speaker:Sometimes there's unconscious
motives to stay grieving.
Speaker:I had a female that her son was
killed and she was grieving,
Speaker:but found out why she stayed with the
grieving is that she was afraid that her
Speaker:husband and their parents were going to
now want to divorce her since she didn't
Speaker:have a child. Is a very interesting thing.
Speaker:There was a lot of tension between
the family, his family and her,
Speaker:and they didn't want her in his
life. And they, when the baby died,
Speaker:their only child,
Speaker:their pressure on for them to now let
him divorce her and get out of there.
Speaker:And so she didn't want to not grieve
because that means that that might happen.
Speaker:So she didn't want to lose the
positioning, it was a wealthy family.
Speaker:So there's sometimes unconscious motives
why we stay staying in the grief.
Speaker:But anyway, all that I show people
how to dissolve and work with.
Speaker:And so if you are in any way burdened
by that, just know there's a solution.
Speaker:And I love sharing it with people and
watching the transformation right in
Speaker:front. You do it, you get to
experience it, it's right there.
Speaker:You can't argue with your own experience.
And if that's of interest to you,
Speaker:then please come to the
Breakthrough Experience.
Speaker:I keep telling people whenever
I do these programs about it,
Speaker:because it's a life
trajectory change. It's,
Speaker:your perspective on life changes.
Speaker:It's not just a little self-help
program that's, you know, entertaining,
Speaker:you know, jump up and down on
chairs and all that stuff. No,
Speaker:this is a deep exploration on
how life works on human behavior.
Speaker:I've been doing it, you know,
teaching it for 35 years.
Speaker:I've been teaching for 51 years.
Speaker:I've been focused on any information I
can to help people master their lives and
Speaker:maximize their human
potential and awareness.
Speaker:And I know that this tool that I've
been blessed to develop is going to be a
Speaker:value to you the rest of your life,
Speaker:'cause you're going to have possibly
when you're 50, 60s and 70s,
Speaker:you're going to have more people passing
and you're going to have more probably,
Speaker:you know, perceptions
of loss along the way.
Speaker:If you don't know how to handle them well,
Speaker:then you've added more
burden to your life.
Speaker:If you'd like to have a tool
you can use when you need it,
Speaker:please come to the Breakthrough Experience
so I can show you how to do that,
Speaker:it's eye-opening, it's
life-changing, you leave it there.
Speaker:I got letters from this last weekend
doing it already two letters of people
Speaker:about the grief process saying
I'm not grieving. I said, no,
Speaker:you won't be grieving. And they go, I
can't believe it. I've been doing that.
Speaker:It's been lasting for months, and
then now it's gone. I said, exactly.
Speaker:So if you would like to be able to
have a change in perspective and
Speaker:see that there's a new
alternative out there,
Speaker:please come to the
Breakthrough Experience.
Speaker:I really love watching transformations
and seeing people's lives change.
Speaker:So this is the presentation
about a new perspective on grief
Speaker:and hopefully that
stimulated some thinking.
Speaker:And if you know somebody that's in that
situation or you in that situation,
Speaker:please take advantage of the opportunity
and I look forward to seeing you at the
Speaker:Breakthrough Experience.