Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle is a serialized, comedy, audio drama. Listen to the stories of four ladies who started a rap battle in a Manitoba correctional facility during the 90s. In this episode Chartreuse and Miss Minj get ready for the rap battle by making a friendly wager.

For more information check out our website at deepdrag.com

A full list of music and sample credits can be found here: https://www.patreon.com/posts/57901336

[Correctional Officer] Here she is, inmate K82994.

[Chartreuse] K829- Do I look like a cow to you? I'm a lady with a name.

[Narrator] Uhh, Chartreuse correct? [Chartreuse] That's the name my my mamma gave me.

[Correctional Officer] I'll be right over there in my office if you need me.

[Chartreuse] So where you thinking about putting the camera? Cause I was thinking

over there in that side of the day room the sunshine makes my hair look real

good. But I mean you's the expert so you know as long as chartreuse look yummy

I'm fine with it.

[Narrator] Uh, this is a documentary for radio.

[Chartreuse] What? You mean this is just gonna be on the radio?

You saying Chartreuse ain't gonna be on tv?

I told everybody in here that I was going to be on the Real World Prison Edition.

[Narrator] I'm sorry if if there was a misunderstanding.

[Chartreuse] Shit. But you still going to put money on my books, right?

[Narrator] As soon as we finish I'll put 200 Canadian dollars in your account.

[Chartreuse] Okay fine, whatever. So, what's your first question then

Mr. documentary man?

[Narrator] Uh, let me just say a few words to introduce the material.

In 1998 a radio producer was allowed to record in a Manitoba correctional facility.

These are the stories of the women inside.

[Song Lyrics] Come on now! That's right!

When I say hard you say time. Hard! [Chorus] Time!

When I say rap you say battle. Rap! [Chorus] Battle!

That's right suckers! Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle!

[Chartreuse] The rap battle? Oh yeah shit, that must have started like

two or three years ago. You know in here you need things to look forward to girl.

If all your days is exactly the same you're gonna go crazy and shit.

[Narrator] Is going crazy something you worry about?

I mean the rap battle started pretty small.

I mean it was just like me and a few girls on the on the basketball court just like dropping bars.

But uhh, these days everybody on the yard want in on it.

In fact last year there were so many people we had to do a sign up sheet.

[Narrator] Does the winner get a prize? [Chartreuse] Hold on baby, let's walk while we talk.

I need to go holla at these ladies

So this here is the D-block. And these is the best cells that you

can get. All the houses is a little bit bigger.

You know, because this is the old part of the prison.

So you know, folks love it in here. What's not to love baby more room you know.

But, in order to live up in this part they

got to give Miss Chartreuse donations every month.

See that's another thing. Up in here we got actual wooden doors on our houses.

The other buildings ain't got that. Out there you just got bars between you and the world

[Knock] Open up Mabel I know you in there.

Don't turn off your TV and act like you ain't home. Get your ass up girl.

[Mabel] Hey landlady, come on in. [Chartreuse] Yeah that's the other thing. They call

me the landlady cause I look out for 'em. You know what I'm saying. I make sure

that everything goes smooth up in here. [Mabel] Hey girl, what you doing up so early

I was just making up some breakfast. [Chartreuse] Don't act like you don't know what day it is Mabel.

[Mabel] Is it Sunday? You on your way to church?

Ever since I lost my job I've started to lose track of time.

[Chartreuse] Mm-hmm, girl it's pay your rent day.

[Mabel] Really? Already?

[Chartreuse] Come on Mabel. I want to finish up so I can catch 10 o'clock yard. I got my beach

towel ready and my suntan lotion. [Mabel] Uhh,

things haven't been so good lately. Did I tell you I lost my job in the

kitchen? [Chartreuse] Mm-hmm,

It don't smell like you doing so bad. What you got there fresh eggs you frying

up? Looks like you got the whole goddamn spread: coffee, toast, baked beans.

[Mabel] Well... you know,

this is all stuff I picked up before I got fired.

[Chartreuse] Look, cough up two soups today

and tomorrow big mama Chartreuse gonna find you some work.

[Mabel] Uhh... Here, but

seriously if you got any jobs for me I could really use the work.

[Chartreuse] You know I got this yard all stitched up. If I hear of anything, I'm a hook you up baby.

[Music] [Chartreuse] Can you believe that?

I put her up in a luxury suite and she tries to weasel her way out of

paying the rent. And that's with the discount cause she's

been here for so long. I charge most girls two cans of tuna.

[Narrator] Is that slang for something? [Chartreuse] Slang?

Nah man, it's just tuna. You know tuna fish, chicken of the sea?

[Narrator] Who would you say was your biggest competition?

[Chartreuse] Competition? [Narrator] In the rap battle.

[Chartreuse] Yeah I ain't got no competition there neither but let me see for the sake

of you making your documentary. Uhh...

There's Lady Ping Pong over there in the E-block.

Then, who else? Let's see, you got the Goldtooth Mama.

And... oh yeah, you can't forget about Chop Suzzy. That girl can spit some fire.

I guess, if I'm gonna say, out of all the girls that's in the yard the one who can

really give Chartreuse a run for her money is Miss Minj.

[Music]

[Miss Minj] That's what she told you?

That minger thinks people actually call her the landlady?

Nah, nah, that's not it at all. Cuddles set him straight.

[Cuddles] We all call her the slumlord. [Miss Minj] Yeah that's right. Nothing nice about her.

Yeah, she likes to make it sound like she does people a favor by moving them

into her fancy flats, but the fucking truth is that if you don't hand over a

fiver she moves you in here A-block, hell's kitchen, hottest, nastiest in the yard.

I mean listen to that.

You hear that? Everybody chatting about at the top of their lungs.

Plus it's always like 35 / 40 C in here.

[Cuddles] That's how Europeans say 95 to 100 degrees. [Miss Minj] Yeah right Cuddles, you don't need to translate.

I'm sure they know how a thermometer works.

[Cuddles] I forgot to ask can I get you some ice water?

[Miss Minj] Ice water? Cuddles where your manners? At least offer him a cup of tea.

Me mom sent over some proper English tea.

Yeah and a tin of biscuits last month. Best tea you'll ever have.

Cuddles put on the kettle.

[Cuddles] [Sighs]

[Miss Minj] Yeah, you guys are in for a treat I tell you.

All right then, what were you asking me about my rapper name, yeah?

You wanted to know why they call me Miss Minj, right? Yeah I'll tell you. It's

because I love the minj. Yeah, I'm a minj connoisseur: black minj, brown

minj, ginger minj. Yeah, I lick it up and down, and all around. I love the minj.

Once I went all the way to Marrakech just to get some Moroccan minj.

Tell 'em Cuddles tell him how I love the Minj.

[Cuddles] She's got a sweet tooth especially for lollipops.

[Miss Minj] Yeah see, Cuddles will tell ya. She knows.

[Narrator] I thought 'minj' was slang for vagina.

[Miss Minj] What? You calling me a les? Do you think I go around sniffing fanny?

What are you daft or what? I can't like sweets without you coming up here and calling me a todger dodger .

Just because I like licking lollies doesn't mean all of a sudden

I want to lick beans without toast. [Cuddles] He probably didn't understand

because he's never heard an English accent.

[Miss Minj] Yeah, right, yeah. Yeah, that's true. That's a good point Cuddles.

Sometimes I forget how most of the world doesn't have Sainsbury's or cheddar.

Imagine that whole countries that have never heard of cheddar.

Best cheese on the planet and they don't even know about it.

Imagine that, yeah. Fucking hell.

and you wonder why it's so easy for a country like England to go around

colonizing places, yeah. It's because the Indians just didn't

know. They'd never heard of cheddar. They didn't understand a bunch of red-faced

men were taken over.

[Cuddles] I think she meant to say Native Americans.

[Miss Minj] What? How so? What? No. I'm talking about India mate.

People from India are called Indians. [Cuddles] One earl grey.

[Miss Minj] What you serious Cuddles? You didn't fix me up a cuppa?

[Narrator] I'm really fine. Uh, you can have mine.

[Miss Minj] Uh, no no. Don't be daft. I'm not gonna let you pass up on

trying a proper English tea.

[Narrator] Umm, really good. [Miss Minj] Yeah, right proper like. Yeah, so what

was you talking about before you started on about India or whatever?

Oh yeah, you was thinking I was saying minj when I was actually saying minj.

You hear the difference, right?

[Music]

[Chartreuse] All right then. Oh so you was asking does the winner of the rap battle get a prize?

I mean, yeah I guess sort of. I mean it's more complex than that, you know. Because like...

Um... How can I explain it? You see

the winner gets three grand rap masters. Right, you probably thinking what the

hell is that. Okay so basically that means that if I beat you I can call you

out anytime anyplace and you got to show me respect.

So like we could be in the middle of a chow hall and I could call you over and

say, 'What's my motherfucking name?' And you would have to stand up and yell back, 'You

the motherfucking rap master.' And I could be like, 'What? I didn't hear you.' And you

have to say, 'Chartreuse! You the motherfucking rap master!' So I mean,

really it's all about like winning respect, you know.

Oh yeah and we throw in a packet of Little Debbie Donuts too.

Um... Excuse me for a second. I just need to

collect this last one before they call 10 o'clock yard.

[Narrator] Is it against the rules to collect rent? [Chartreuse] What?

Ain't nothing wrong with what I'm doing. I mean ask Cherokee right over there.

You know the guard, that big girl watching the telenovela over there on the TV.

If I was doing something wrong or some illegals,

Cherokee be giving me an earful right now.

[knock]

Matter of fact, Cherokee

started working the yard the same week I got here seven years ago.

So we go way back. I mean, rumor has it that she was like

this Olympic shot putter, right. Almost won the gold too. That's what they say.

But you know those metal shot put balls they like real heavy, right.

You could just look at one and be like, 'Oh damn, that baby got some weight to it.'

So, what she did was to build her strength up, right.

So, this bitch would go around with her shot put ball everywhere she went.

Going to the Circle-K. 'Oh yeah I got to get my shot put.'

Nap on the couch. 'Make sure I'm sleeping with that shot put.'

So that was like her mental, you know. Like she got to be one with that ball.

So like one morning she went to get some coffee at Tim Hortons.

You ever been to Tim Hortons before? Oh Shit, ain't nothing like a java with a Boston cream

man. That shit is good as hell.

Anyways, Cherokee ordered a cup of coffee to go and the girl working the counter was

like excited to be serving a Canadian Olympic team member. So she

didn't even put the lid on correctly. So then Cherokee go to drink the cup of

coffee and that hot coffee spilled down on her titties. You know what I'm saying.

So she dropped the shot put and that shit fell right next to her foot.

I mean just think about that for a minute. If that shot put had landed two

inches to the left, she might have broke her foot and ended her career right then and there.

So you know that was a close call.

[Narrator] How did this lead to her becoming a prison guard?

[Chartreuse] Oh yeah well I mean that wasn't really part of the story, you know.

That's not the point. You know, I'm just trying to tell you that Cherokee

almost was like a great Canadian sports hero. But I guess that's not enough for you, huh?

You want to know the grit, the down and dirty? Well that's fine.

So, as soon as that shit hit the floor Cherokee reached across the counter,

grabbed that bitch by her neck, pulled her over the counter, and if it wasn't

for the captain of the Canadian curling team she probably would have

killed that bitch to death.

[knock]

Hey Chop Suzzy, you better be at work bitch.

If I hear you was hiding from me, i'm coming for your ass.

[Music]

[Miss Minj] So this is me Sony Walkman Cassette Tape Deck.

Yeah I was a bit gutted when it first came in the post because it was like a

nick in the case. But you know, I added like a bit of gold

plating and it started to look proper gangster.

[Cuddles ] It's gold paint. [Miss Minj] Yeah right but you know

looks like gangsta' don't it. I'm thinking next like I'll put some

rhinestones all around the front you know. Make it match me teeth.

[Music] So here's me demo.

[Music]

As soon as I get out to the record labels I'm going to be like at the top

of the charts. I mean Slick Rick did it, right.

He recorded a whole album behind bars. [Cuddles] I'm the one doing the beat.

[Miss Minj] Cuddles, can't you see that I'm trying to talk to

the documentarian about the Walkman. It's my prized possession.

[Cuddles] Her mom sent it to her.

[Miss Minj] Cuddles, for fuck sake. I'm talking.

[Music]

[Gun Tower] In-line.

[Chartreuse] Yeah so, there's the yard right here. Over there you got the library and the

commissary. Past that gate is where they got to

SHU. Yeah you don't want to wind up in the

SHU. That shit's cold as fuck. Uh, over here is where I spend most of my

time on a basketball court. I mean you might look at me and think I can't ball

but chartreuse will school your ass on the court. You know what I'm saying.

I mean my booty was made for boxing out. But I got all the moves. I can do the

pick and roll. I got them post moves like Elijah Won.

Chartreuse gonna drop that Kobe fade away on your ass too.

But uh yeah, let's pop a squat right here. Uh, would you mind rubbing some of that

suntan lotion on my back. You know I can't be getting sunburned before the

rap battle.

Oh yeah. Yeah rub it right there. Mm-hmm

Oh yeah. My neck,

My back... Yeah that feel real good.

Mm-hmm. Oh yeah, a little to the left.

Yeah yeah. Hey, put a little extra pressure right there.

Like don't be afraid to massage it. Yeah, oh that's nice. Mm-hmm, that's what

I'm talking about baby.

[Miss Minj] Well if it isn't Lady Chartreuse out here peeping my court.

[Chartreuse] Oh Miss Minjie Minjie. You blocking my sun, bitch.

[Miss Minj] You out here deciding the best place to put your tombstone after I bury you tomorrow night.

[Chartreuse] Tombstone. I'm thinking about where I'm

gonna put my throne, bitch.

[Miss Minj] Sounds like somebody's got high aspirations.

Fancy a friendly wager?

[Chartreuse] We'll Chartreuse ain't the gambling type, but I guess I could use a new radio.

[Miss Minj] What? You eyeing me Sony Walkman Cassette Tape Player?

[Chartreuse] Yeah, you know, those radio motors make real nice tattoo guns.

[Miss Minj] Wait, you wanna tear apart me Walkman, me pride and joy,

to draw mickey mouse faces on somebody's tits?

[Chartreuse] I don't care if we make a bet or not. You the one that brought it up.

[Miss Minj] All right then. You win and I'll hand over me Walkman,

but if I win, you're moving me and Cuddles into your flat.

[Chartreuse] You move in?

There ain't no space up in there for three people.

[Cuddles] She doesn't mean all three of us would live in the same cell.

[Chartreuse] Oh, so you want Chartreuse to swap with you.

[Miss Minj] Look, you can move yourself wherever you like

but me and Cuddles get your flat. Right, Cuddles give me a beat.

[Cuddles Beatbox]

No, Cuddles. Do like that futuristic beat that you do. You know the one.

[Cuddles Beatbox]

[Miss Minj] What's the hang up? You ain't got the chops to battle me? You the last in line

at the chippy? [Chartreuse] Oh, you want to hear a little sample?

All right, why not.

Honey please, I smoke you like weed. My lyrics so cut they make your ears bleed.

[Miss Minj] Best not be hiding in the house tomorrow night. Miss Minj will come for you and lay down

your last rites.

[Chartreuse] Hiding out,

I don't think so Chartreuse will pop your ass like a fat pimple.

Stepping to Chartreuse is like... [Cuddles Beatbox Ends]

Hey hey, Cuddles why you stopping in the middle of my rap?

[Cuddles] It's really hot out here.

[Miss Minj] What? You winding me up? I had the rhyme at the tip of me tongue.

Good looking out Cuddles. Good looking out.

[Cuddles] Can I get some of that suntan lotion? [Miss Minj] Fuckin' Hell.