Is there ever a time when there are more sibling squabbles than the end of the summer? We are feeling it over here ourselves! Parenting biblically is hard, so we wanted to provide some of our best tips for how we've stewarded sibling relationships. Not just managing them, but pointing our children toward lifelong loving friendships. Today's episode has practical systems for managing this, but also gets to the heart of what do you really do? What does a good apology look like? How do you encourage your children to work out biblical principles like forgiveness and grace?

They're the joyful agains our children shout on the swings, the exhausting

agains of cooking and laundry, and the difficult agains of discipline.

So much of what we do as mothers is on repeat.

So what if we woke up with clarity, knowing which agains we were called

to, and went to bed believing we are faithful in what matters most?

We believe God's Word is the key to untangle from the

confusion and overwhelm we feel.

Let's look up together to embrace a motherhood full of freedom and joy.

Is there ever a time when there are more sibling squabbles,

then the end of the summer?

After months of being together, they're either itching to get

back to the routine in a classroom or the structure of homeschool.

We are feeling it over here ourselves.

And so we wanted to provide some of our best tips for how we've stewarded

sibling relationships in our home.

Not just managing them.

But actually pointing our children toward lifelong loving relationships.

We're going to be talking about that sandpaper sound of siblings smoothing

out each other's rough edges, that iron sharpening iron in your home.

Today's episode has practical systems for managing this.

But also gets to the heart of what do you really do?

What does a good apology look like?

How do you encourage your children to work out biblical principles?

like forgiveness and showing grace and restoration in the home.

All right, Emily, you have two children, which can present a beautiful

opportunity for bonding, but then a little bit of a challenge sometimes too.

Yes.

So I would love for you to speak to how you've managed that in your home, and

the wisdom that the Lord's brought you.

Yes, we have two children.

My oldest being 17 and that is my son, and then my youngest being actually

almost 13, and that is my daughter.

So.

throughout

the years, sibling relationships shift and change as they mature.

And you face different challenges.

But something consistent that we have said in our home is to keep short account of

one another's wrongdoing because you will most definitely disappoint one another,

it's inevitable, or hurt one another.

And so having the ability to be quick to forgive, which I understand when they're

young, is a hard thing to work through.

But if you can stay consistent and work through it to the age that

my kids are, 17 and almost 13, it reaps great benefits because you've

trained them to keep short account.

Now that does not mean that they do it perfectly, but we've used the verse in

Ephesians 4:30- 32, and it speaks to letting all bitterness and wrath and

anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice

and be kind one to another tender hearted, forgiving each other just as

God in Christ has also forgiven you.

And so along those lines we also have talked a lot with our children

about cheering one another on.

There can be so much tension within siblings of different opportunities

that come their way at different times.

When they were young, there was a lot of, that's not fair.

We've all heard that phrase.

And so we talked a lot with them that you will have different

opportunities at different times.

My oldest may get to go to a really fun church activity or an amusement park.

And my daughter, you know, may not, and that's okay.

But the important thing is to cheer one another on and be happy when opportunities

come their way at different times.

That's helped us a lot as well.

And I would say also speaking into each other's day at, at the dinner

table and asking questions to one another about what they've done and

how it went and, oh, how did the golf tournament go and what happened?

And funny stories and just cultivating that relationship of

interest in each other's interests.

And as I said before, as they get older, this will just come like second

nature because you've built it into them.

So yes, we've worked very hard to keep the competition away from each

other and to respect one another's interests and to love on each other.

Because we've also talked about the verse encourage one another

while it is still today (Heb 3:13)

those are just a few tips that have helped us.

It reminds me of the verse that says, rejoice with those who rejoice and

mourn with those who mourn (Romans 12:15)

and so not having a spirit of competition with each other.

But when your sibling gets to go to Six Flags and you're staying

home, yes, rejoice with them.

That's so fun for you.

I'm so happy and just.

You know, dying to self isn't that what forgiveness is, is dying to

self and being able to rejoice with others and not put yourself first.

And we've said that with our kids, that you need to be willing

to yield your demands, your ways that you wanna be treated, your

rights to your siblings at times.

It's not always about you.

It's not always gonna be your special moment, your special day.

And, God was willing to die.

Jesus was willing to die on the cross for us and to give up his life for us.

And so if it's the ability to be able to roll that off your back, die to self.

Let that go and not need every moment of your life to be met the way you want it,

how you want it and when you want it.

That's a huge skill to learn.

Even for adults.

It's hard, it's hard to do that because we see the desire that we have.

So we've tried to teach our kids that you work it out first.

If you have a problem with your sibling, you go to them first and you

say, that hurt my feelings that you did this, and you try to work it out.

And if the two of you cannot work it out, then you need to come to mom and dad.

But even in coming to us, you can't just come and tell

everything that your brother did.

If you need help working it out, then you come to me and you say, I

have a hard time seeing my own sin.

Can you help me work this out and help me see where I may have gone wrong?

That's a totally different attitude than

He

came and he took this out and he wanted this.

Then you just want revenge.

You just want justice in your own way.

And so we've really tried to pour into them that reconciliation and

forgiveness, they work together, but it starts with you owning your own sin.

And, and reconciling yourself and your heart right with the Lord first.

And then you can rightfully go to that person and ask for, for forgiveness.

We even talked about, Having a correct apology, owning what you

did, saying what was wrong, how you wish you would've done it, or you

might do it better in the future.

And asking that forgiveness from that person.

And then we always have them end with a hug and, we have them say best buddies.

So they have to look at each other's smile and say, best buddies.

And then when they've smiled, then they've moved on.

Then they know that their hearts are right.

And if they can't do that, their heart's not right and

then they're still tripped up.

I always say if they can go on doing what they were doing before

the squabble, that they've actually gone full circle, that they've

really reconciled with each other.

Mm-hmm.

But I think it's so important because you can look at relationships of people.

I, I would even use my own family as an example when I was younger.

My mom would repeat that verse and she would say, be tenderhearted when

she saw us getting to that point.

But then not really teaching us how to ask forgiveness, how to own our sin.

It's still hard in life if you haven't really been taught that as a child.

There's a lot of pride that can build up and that in older sibling

relationships, Can really cause difficulties because grudges can be held

onto, and it's just really sad, because we always say family is your constant.

And I tell my grandkids and my kids, no matter where you go in the world, your

brothers and sisters are your constant.

You'll have friends that you think are your very best friends, but

they will probably come and go and your siblings are forever.

So learn to really.

Ask forgiveness.

Mm-hmm.

And receive forgiveness and be quick to forgive.

It's really three parts.

And if we can think about ourselves, am I able to ask forgiveness?

Am I able to model that to my kids?

Because that's a humbling thing.

Mm-hmm.

So if we can ask forgiveness of somebody, sometimes even of our

kids, we have to ask forgiveness.

So if we're able to ask forgiveness, then we're modeling to them that humility.

And then if we give forgiveness quickly.

So if they ask their sibling for forgiveness and they give

it quickly, that's what we want them to learn to quickly

forgive, not to hold those grudges and then to receive it.

If you've received forgiveness from somebody, that's a very healing thing.

Mm-hmm.

So if those three things are happening and the earlier they're

happening, when children are young and they're learning that, like you

both have said already, is amazing.

I look at biblical examples of sibling relationships gone awry.

It seems like there's more of them have gone very badly.

And Cain Abel, obviously we would never want anything like that.

Joseph and his brothers, although God worked it for good, so God can

take the relationships that seem to have gone badly and work it for his

good David's sons, because of what he modeled for his sons, they went poorly.

So I think we can take those examples and think we don't wanna

teach our kids partiality or if there's jealousy between them.

We really wanna address that early on.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

I think also it's important for our kids to see that early on in life,

sometimes you are not going to get an apology, and even as an adult, there's

been times that I've had to forgive people who have never apologized, but I

needed to forgive them for my own heart.

Before the Lord, and also to work through that pain.

And so when you are given , a true apology from someone, that softens your heart

to them so much, and so being willing to submit to that and being able to forgive

even when you're not given the apology.

From someone to allow your, the Lord to soften your heart

so the bitterness doesn't build up in your heart.

Yeah.

So you can be, they're off your hook.

Yes, and I see that because in older relationships, With siblings,

let's say older grownups, they may be holding a grudge and you have

to forgive them and forgive them and forgive them for some reason.

They hold onto a hurt that you cannot get to the bottom of.

For whatever reason, we know these things can happen.

It's happened in my family, but I've also seen that grace given and

prayer , really, really, really makes a difference in over many years.

Can soften the heart of the other person, so we forgive them.

So we don't become bitter, even if we have to sometimes bear up under

harsh feelings from other siblings.

But how sad when it is family, right?

Yes.

So that's why we work on them very, very much with our little ones.

Mm-hmm.

Absolutely.

It's such a training ground for all of life.

All of these blessings we have that start in a family.

We will be in relationships for.

Ever.

And so I tell my children regularly, do you understand what a blessing

this will be for your marriage?

Your brother is teaching you how to be a good husband right now.

So for me, I love homeschooling because it gives me an opportunity

to steward these relationships.

My kids are together all the time, and I'm with them all the time, and

I've realized Jen, I'm not doing what you were saying very well.

I've been convicted of this recently that I'm not training them to

handle it on their own without me, because I'm always there.

Mm.

So I think I've had kind of the standard for myself almost, that

I'm trying to model the omnipresence of God or the availability of God.

I want my children to know they can come to me and mom's here for you.

And I was convicted of that a couple years ago.

Specifically that No, it's okay for.

Them to know that mom wasn't available.

Mm-hmm.

That only God is always available to you.

And so sometimes you're gonna need to work things out and I can't be there.

And so I feel my kids are getting to that point now.

They're 12, 10, 9, and five and a half that I need to be setting up a better

standard of how do we approach each other?

How do we work through that when mom isn't available to help us But I

really try to encourage them to see.

The wonderful parts of each other, even in the conflict, do you see how forgiving

your brother is so that that son might be.

The most impulsive or struggle with self-control, but he is so forgiving

and he has such a tender heart.

And so I, I say, do you see that in him?

And I know you, you're so self-controlled.

But honey, sometimes when we're self-controlled, we struggle with

thinking that we're always right.

And so we need to have humility too.

And sometimes I've learned that they're telling me their stories.

And it's a little bit too heated and I need to maybe take one into a

different room and just let them know.

I hear you.

I hear that.

That was frustrating.

Do you see the other perspective?

And just relating to them and empathizing, you know what?

I chose daddy.

And still there are moments where mom has a hard time being gracious

and asking for forgiveness or walking in humility or patience.

And so I know the Lord chose this for you and it makes sense

that you're having conflict.

So I think when you expect that, of course, these, this iron

sharpening iron is not always the prettiest sound in your home.

I think that helps you to not think, what am I doing wrong

or what's wrong with them?

Why can't they just get along?

I, I think you should think this is exactly what it should sound like.

We're working it out.

Yes, we're, we're training them.

All those rough edges are being smoothed and to the character

that God wants them to have.

I think a trend in our culture right now is busyness and

filling our lives with activity.

So much so that some of these relationships can't be stewarded

well, so there's a conflict, but we'll get to it later.

We've gotta handle something else and not prioritizing.

No, we need to get to the heart of this.

And so I would challenge moms to not put band-aids on things, not to just save

everything for later to realize if this is a problem in your home, go after it.

Give those kids.

That are struggling, really give them time to work through it,

provide bonding experiences for them.

You know, if I'm gonna pick two kids to go to grandma's house, I'm gonna

pick the two maybe that are struggling, because I know they're gonna go

have a bonding experience together.

And , they'll come back and they'll be like, we had so much fun together,

even though maybe there might be a little friction So just trying to

give them different opportunities.

Or maybe I run an errand and I take those too and remind them that they

do love each other in many ways.

So I'm so glad you said that Steph because it reminded me that

often I think of siblings as sandpaper to one another, and you need to allow

the friction work through the friction so you can get to the smooth edges.

And I think that if you allow it to happen in the right way, that siblings can knock

off the rough, rough edges and prepare you for other relationships in life.

Every relationship we have as the Lord constructed it because everything he

does and has for us is in perfect order.

But every relationship in our life family-wise is meant for

yielding and dying to self.

And that is what we're asking our children to do when they ask for

forgiveness and reconciliation.

We're asking them to die to self and move on, which is

exactly what Christ asked of us.

And so he has us come full circle in those moments.

And so yes, I agree.

Don't put the bandaid on.

Let the friction happen.

Work through the friction and let it sand off those rough edges.

Yeah.

Expect the friction because they're little sinners and they're

not gonna, they're not gonna know how to live together rightly

and and honor and selflessly.

So to actually have to.

We have to put in some effort for that to happen.

And it, it can be so exasperating to moms, but we really need to put

in that effort pays off dividends.

Well, some of the things that we've done, I would say, Stephanie, one of the

things I did with two of my grandsons that I thought, these two brothers really

need to bond and they're only one apart.

So sometimes there's more rivalry when they're very close in age.

Mm-hmm.

But I thought, They're very different, but they need to be bonding.

And I took them on a, a trip, the two of them, that for a week.

That I knew would alter their perspective of many things, but hopefully also of

their relationship because I wanted it to be a different kind of trip.

It was a international trip, and I wanted them to say whenever

they talked about it in life.

They knew that they had somebody that understood completely

what they were saying.

So for the rest of their life, they have this experience and

that was really a big part of it.

And I think they, they still do, but sometimes it doesn't have

to be a big thing like that.

I couldn't have done that with my children, but sometimes I

can do that as a grandparent.

But to look for little things in your children that.

They can go to the swim, meet of the bigger brother and cheer

him on with, you know, flags and everything, or whatever it is.

I love,

I loved hearing that.

Share responsibilities together.

You know, you two are going to set the table together, or you two are

gonna do this whatever ages they are, but teach them how to work together

and then shared interests too.

That's fun.

I have 10 grandkids.

We all make Play-Doh together, so whatever, from age 20 down to five.

And even if they were one, they sat in the high chair and played with Play-Doh

and it was just such a fun experience.

I like to think of things that the entire age group can do together.

Mm-hmm.

We

have a idea in

our family that, yes, sometimes you have a bigger knot that needs to be worked

out, and it takes a little bit more than just a quick right there in the moment.

And so in the idea that.

In those situations where it's a bigger thing, you are allowed to think on it

and pray about it and work your heart towards forgiveness in that area.

And it doesn't have to be immediate, but during the time where you're working

out with the Lord or with a parent to be able to go back to that person, you

still have to treat that sibling with kindness and respect and gentleness.

You may not, you know, give him the cold shoulder or Just

ignore them or be rude to them.

You are to still love them kindly.

And then say, you know, I, I need to think about this a little bit so I can

get clarity on my own heart of what, what really upset me, what really hurt me.

And then to be able to go back to them and say, okay, here's where it really was.

I thought it was this that you said this, but really in the depths.

I felt this in my heart when you said that.

And I think sometimes just.

Being away from the situation for a moment and allowing themselves, because they're

so young, they don't know their hearts.

You know, our hearts are deceitful and desperately wicked, who can know it (Jer

so allowing them to work that out and to understand a little bit of what's

going on and then going back to them, but still being kind in the moment.

because that's hard.

That's hard when you're hurt by someone to be kind to them still.

Absolutely.

And when they've done those three steps, we say it's as if you've just

scrubbed the chalkboard clean and you have no offenses against each other and

you hug each other like you say Yes.

And, and you know when they can go on and do what they were doing.

Yes, that that's actually happened.

Mm-hmm.

Or if they say, no, I think I'm gonna do this instead.

Well, maybe, but you wanna make sure

that it's

not.

because there's still some hurt feelings there.

Yeah.

Well, Stephanie and I probably have a tip that we love, we

call it the Happy Men Steph.

You wanna share what that is?

Sure.

I actually have some very fun, Happy Men that we found at an antique store.

And they're tiny, little vintage metal soldiers.

I mean, they're very tiny,

Horses.

Yes.

Less than an inch tall.

And I found four different colors.

So they're in a tiny pouch in my purse.

If there's an opportunity for something to happen and, I try to, treat

everyone well and love on them, but it doesn't always work out to be fair.

And so if there's an opportunity, you can just pull one out of the bag it's

interesting sometimes when you implement a system like this, you see the fruit of it.

They learn it, and so then you don't even have to use the tool as much because.

It produced the fruit, they realized, I'm not gonna complain because my

term will come, or, or maybe it won't, but I'm rejoicing with others.

Yeah.

I think it's great to cheer each other on and when I would do the Happy Men

with my grandchildren, whoever won the other three would have to shake

their hand and say, congratulations.

I'm so happy for you

Aw.

I love

this.

What ages did you start implementing the Happy Men?

they happened to be about eight to 12 at the time.

Were taking them on a little excursion and they can get into it so quickly.

And I knew we were gonna be in the car for a long time,

and we used these happy men, which just happened to be the marker

men from the Candyland game.

Mm-hmm.

That I put in a little pouch, stuck it in my purse, and oh my goodness.

It worked so, so well.

Because sometimes, you know, somebody's gonna get a better bed well, or

somebody's gonna get this or that.

And it, it just, worked great.

Something we talk a lot about in Entrusted is the family plan, and I love

having a family plan to point my kids to.

Often when we have conflict, I'll say, can you go to the

family plan and tell me which one you're struggling with right now?

So ours comes out of Romans 12, nine through 12.

Let love be genuine.

Abhor what is evil?

Hold fast to what is good.

Love one another with brotherly affection, outdo one another and showing honor.

Do not be slothful in zeal.

Be fervent in spirit.

Serve the Lord.

Rejoice in hope.

Be patient in tribulation.

Be constant in prayer.

So the principles that we set up for our family are that we pursue

righteousness, we honor and serve.

We live for Jesus, we press on in hope.

We choose joy and kindness and we find our strength in prayer.

So I can tell my kids, can you go to that and can you tell me which one

you're struggling with right now?

It's amazing to me how intuitive they are and perceptive of

what they're struggling with.

And so sometimes I know that they need a little bit of a calming down.

And so I'll say, can you write out the family commitment right now?

Just having that scripture, you know, letting the, the word of God be the

power in their lives and not my coaching through it is sometimes the best

thing I think that I can do for them.

So already they're training themselves.

Ah, that verse is convicting.

Am I looking for things to be equal or am I out doing my brother and showing honor?

Am I outdoing my sibling?

One of my friends, her kids actually did this, but she has a

kindness jar in her kitchen and it's full of little colored pompoms.

And so when someone sees something kind towards another

person, they move it to a bowl.

And once the bowl is full, they might do something like have ice cream as a family.

So even though we don't want.

To be rewards based and we're not just looking for the external things.

I think it is great to focus on the good that our kids are doing.

We're gonna see many opportunities for correction.

But are we saying I saw that that was so loving.

That's exactly how I want you to talk to your sister.

You're being so protective of her.

Yeah, and I think sometimes those things are super helpful to hold us as

moms accountable cuz we see the jar there and it's like, oh yeah, that's right.

I want to, I want to do that.

We have an accountability board.

I literally call it the accountability board and I will put.

Good things that they've done.

I'll just write it on there because I know in the moment they might not be

in the room when I thought like, oh yeah, he just picked up his socks and

he didn't need to be told to do that.

That was such a blessing to me, and so I'll write it on the board and it is

like a way for me to remember that I need to do that, but he can also read

it and say, oh, mom noticed I did that.

But then I'll also put the accountability of like, Okay, this kid's gonna bed early.

They, they had a discipline and I might forget otherwise.

And so having some type of accountability for myself as well.

Eventually once you get in the habit of it, you might not need the bowl

or you might not need the board as much, but it is a great tool to use

to train up yourself as you're doing

it.

Absolutely.

I always say that children are faithfulness monitors.

Like,

like, yeah.

like, and I

learned that kind of as a classroom teacher,

You said we were gonna, I'm like, you're right.

I did.

Thank you so much for that.

It's

true.

true.

And then as they get older, we recently moved and I can honestly say that our move

was so much smoother because of our son.

He is so handy

he's 17.

and

, we did not tell him to do all the things,

And so later on you don't, you move to a place that you don't

physically need a tangible thing.

It just starts to happen

and you're like, thank you, such a blessing to see that in action.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

We

used a chart for certain years, but then after a while you're hoping

that it's all integrating and they're self-governing and all these things.

But that will be another day that we talk about the chart.

Oh,

Yes, absolutely.

And it's such an amazing resource to help your kids develop

initiative and to work on those things you're seeing in your home.

Instead of developing a new system, you can use this resource

continually to target the things that are issues in your home.

because we expect that there will be issues, right?

Mm-hmm.

We are working this out, our children are working this out, and it is an

honor to work through it with them.

So yes, , we expect, yes, there will be the friction, there's

going to be the sandpaper moments.

But if you are faithful.

You will often find that you'll have children who become best friends

instead of just trying to maintain peace at your Thanksgiving table someday.

And I know that's what we all want and, I don't think it's luck.

I think there's a lot of intention Yes.

That can steward that.

If you would love to work it out with a small group of moms, we

would encourage you to look to Entrusted with a Child's Heart.

Lessons 18 and 19 dive deep in this, and one of my very.

Very favorite tips on paper chains is brought up there that I'll let

you take the class to find out more about that one, but that was

really a powerful tool in our home.

We know you're busy, Mama, so we are truly grateful you joined

us for this episode of Again.

If you're looking for more information about building your home on the

foundation of Jesus Christ, head to www.

EntrustedMinistries.

com to learn more about our study for moms, Entrusted with a Child's Heart.

This scripture saturated study has blessed families around the

world, and we want it for you, too.

Before you go, I want to pray this benediction over you

from 2 Thessalonians 1, 11 12.

We're rooting for you.

To this end, we always pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of His

calling, and may fulfill every resolve for good, and every work of faith by

His power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in

Him, according to the grace of our God.

And the Lord Jesus Christ.

Amen.