If you've been told to just forgive and move on — this episode will change how you think about that completely.

Hasani and Danielle tackle five of the most emotionally loaded questions they receive from couples navigating the aftermath of infidelity. From forgiveness to family interference, this episode goes places most marriage podcasts won't.

In this episode:

"If I forgive him, I feel like I'm betraying myself. How do I know if staying is strength or self-abandonment?"

"My husband shuts down every time I try to talk about the affair. He says revisiting it makes things worse. How do we heal if we can't even talk about it?"

"Is it normal to still feel triggered two years later even though he's doing everything right?"

"I cheated once, confessed immediately, and deeply regret it. My spouse says one time is enough to question everything. Can a marriage survive one mistake?"

"How do you handle friends and family who keep telling you to leave when you're trying to make it work?"

What you'll learn:

Why forgiveness is not for the other person — and what it actually means to release someone without excusing what they did. The difference between genuine forgiveness and cheap forgiveness, and why cheap forgiveness will quietly destroy your marriage. Why avoidance is never a healing strategy — and what the unfaithful partner shutting down conversations is actually doing to the recovery. Why two years of triggers doesn't mean you're broken — and what work the betrayed spouse actually needs to do that nobody talks about. Why calling it a "mistake" is the wrong word and how that one word minimizes the betrayal and keeps the offender from doing the real work. Why your friends and family don't get a vote — and the dangerous mistake most people make by telling too many people too soon.

This episode is for you if: You're wrestling with whether forgiving means forgetting. You feel like your spouse is healed but you're still stuck. You've been carrying triggers for months or years and don't know why they won't stop. You made a choice — not a mistake — and you're trying to rebuild. Your family keeps telling you to leave and you don't know how to handle it. You've tried to work through this alone and keep hitting a wall.

Ready to stop navigating this alone? Book a free consultation with Hasani and Danielle at couplesacademy.org

Marriage Intervention is the podcast for couples who are done pretending everything is fine and ready to do the real work. New episodes every week.

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and YouTube Music.

Keywords: forgiveness after infidelity, betrayal trauma recovery, cheap forgiveness, triggers after affair, can marriage survive cheating, infidelity recovery specialist, trickle truth, marriage restoration, trust after betrayal, emotional healing marriage, couples counseling podcast, Hasani and Danielle, marriage intervention podcast, how to forgive a cheating spouse, friends and family after affair

Stop Saying "It Was Just Sex"—You’re Killing the Recovery | Marriage Intervention | 004 - YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEbHTw1GtDs

Transcript:

(00:20) " To to make a mistake means 1 + 1 equals 4. Oh, no. It's actually two. I made a mistake. If I slip on a banana pill, "Oh, man. I didn't even see that. I made a mistake." Not all relationships are worth repairing because there are some relationships that become dangerous. >> She said he's doing everything right. My question would be, well, what are you doing? >> There is a journey for forgiveness and it starts with intention.

(01:00) Hey, we're Hassani and Danielle, and you're watching Marriage Intervention, where we answer all of your questions concerning infidelity. >> Well, today we have quite a a handful of really powerful questions, and we're going to jump right into it. The first question is, I feel like if I forgive him, I'm betraying myself.

(01:42) And I think the problem is we're creating our own definition. And the definition that we create for forgiveness makes it almost impossible for us ever to do it because we built up all of these reasons why we should not do it. Like if I forgive, what I'm saying is what you did was okay.

(02:27) betraying myself because I said I was never going to do it. But I think it's important for people to understand that there's no way forgiveness can be betrayal because forgiveness is not for the other person. Forgiveness is for you, right? Forgiveness is is a release. Forgiveness allows you to basically unlock the key to the prison that you're in. Yeah.

(03:05) And no, you can't do that because things will never be the way that they used to be because of this betrayal. But what you can do is you can say to this other person, I want to work on this process of forgiveness. I want to get into this journey of forgiveness with you. And in order for me to do that, uh, we've got to set up some some guidelines, right? Like I need to require some growth out of you and some growth out of me to get to the point of forgiveness.

(03:51) The last thing that I would say about that is that not all relationships are worth all relationships are worth repairing and for or forgiving, but not all relationships are worth repairing. And I'm going to say that again. Not all relationships are worth repairing, but all relationships that have had an offense are worth forgiving again because it's it's not for the other person, it's for you.

(04:40) Now, I do think every couple should strive to reconcile because in that process, it will reveal who a person really is, whether they have the wherewithal to be able to make these changes that can lead to a better relationship. But, but >> I think it's circumstantial, right? I think I don't you think it's a little circumstantial with with every relationship because there are some relationships that become dangerous, right? If you're in a relationship where somebody is bashing your head up against the wall and that's the norm of your relationship. You know, you're in a Tina

(05:27) The answer is forgiveness and departure. Yeah. And so we just have to decide what those are. >> Yeah. And that's why I think it's important to really sit down and talk with someone because you have a hundred different people watching this right now and every one of them has a slightly unique different situation.

(06:04) But then there are those who engage in what we call cheap forgiveness. Those who are quick to forgive. I don't want to talk about it. We don't need to go through a process. The Bible says forgive. I'mma forgive. or I was raised to just let it go. I'm just going to let it go. There are no conversations.

(06:39) because if I don't forgive you, I'm going to hold on to all of this emotional pain that's just going to cause my demise. So, I've got to release you in essence. And that's what acceptance is. But, but the best type of forgiveness is when we're going through a process together. That's genuine forgiveness. >> Yeah.

(07:16) >> And it's a journey that will take you to the place where you can actually release it. And that's important because a lot of people really don't. They want to forgive. Some don't want to forgive. That's a fact. Some people have a hardcore wired in belief that you don't forgive.

(08:00) previous relationship possibly into the next relationship and now you're holding your next partner hostage to situations that they had nothing to do with. And so pe many people think I can't heal unless I get away. I can't heal unless we separate. And that's not true at all. Matter of fact, the offender, right, the former unfaithful person can play a major role in your healing process because they help give clarity and closure and can help bring about a lot of healing that you need because it's hard to do this on your own. So, the

(08:45) you're leaving the offense, right? You're not leaving the marriage, but you're abandoning the offense that took place that held you and has you in a state of unforgiveness, right? So, it is circumstantial, isn't it? Because there's so many variables with it. And that's why it's important for us to talk to each individual couple to know what your circumstances are so that we can support you and it can be a custom approach, right? Because it would be crazy for us to say, "Okay, this is, you know, there was has been an offense.

(09:24) My husband shuts down every time I try to talk about the affair. Uh, he says, "Revisiting it just makes things worse. How do we heal if we can't even talk about it?" M well the first thing that I'm that comes to my mind when I put my head in the position of those this couple asking the question is that it's natural to want to avoid for the betrayed for the betrayer right because you know especially if they're in a process and they want to do right and they're trying to do better they want to avoid being reminded of

(10:19) But then there's the other side of it that um I see happen a lot where couples are constantly rehashing the past, right? And so if you've gone through a process that allows you to have full disclosure and you have all the answers that you need and you walked out of that full disclosure feeling like finally I have the keys.

(11:02) Um, I think it's important to acknowledge the truth that the offending partner is uncomfortable. Like, it doesn't mean that you're going backwards. No, it doesn't mean that he is still doing the same thing that he was doing. It doesn't mean that at all. It just means that he is genuinely uncomfortable with this conversation for many reasons. Some I just mentioned.

(11:53) future, you must first go into your past. Like if I had a rubber band in my hand, the only way I can get it to fly is by pulling it back. And then guess what? It makes a quantum leap forward. So sometimes you have to take a step back. You have to address what took place in the past that's causing the crisis in the present moment.

(12:31) You're mourning the identity that you felt you had in that relationship. You're mourning what was. And in that mourning process or season, guess what? You're going to have constant conversations from the day that you discover the affair. We call it D-Day, the day of discovery, to the day that you finally get help. That entire season, you can expect conversations.

(13:16) It's very it's very much filled with emotions. Conversations go left. They go from zero to 100 real quick and you're not able to get out of the conversation what you want. And then the betrayed spouse finds themselves asking the same question again and again and again. either they're asking a thousand different questions or they're asking the same question a thousand different ways because the former offender doesn't want to talk about it.

(14:00) This is what we call, as you said, full disclosure. And when you have that, the goal is not to have yet another conversation, but to have the final conversation so that you can move on. So that if you do talk about the affair thereafter, it's not based upon getting details of what happened. You can have forwardmoving affair conversations.

(14:36) >> Is it normal to feel triggered two years later even though he did everything right? >> Here's another question about triggers, Danielle. We get this all the time. I've always said that trust and triggers are the two things that take the longest to overcome in a recovery process. Some would say it can take upwards of two years to heal from an affair if you're doing the necessary work consistently.

(15:23) But but my question would be what are you doing? She said he's doing everything right. My question would be well what are you doing? Because a lot of times the focus is on the former offender doing all the necessary things because if he or she changes then everything will be okay. But internally, there's still work that the offended has to do.

(16:09) you know, there is a thing as such as PISD and when people are dealing with um their environment, you know, oftentimes folks are still stuck in the same environment where the offense took place. They it has nothing to do with the spouse, right? He's doing everything right, but the environment could be the thing that's triggering and making everything wrong.

(16:52) You know they don't know where they're at on the spectrum of trauma. If you are you know hypervigilant for example some times people everything that they see affects them. It could be a sound it could be a scent. It could be, you know, the date where there was an offense where they're suddenly triggered and they're affected.

(17:37) The longer you are working on it, it's not like you're not going to feel the the pain, but what happens is that you change your relationship with the pain, right? And so that represents growth. Right? Now I've gotten to the place where I can learn from the hurt that I've experienced. I've gotten to the place where I can acknowledge that it's not him, that this is actually me and I can actually own it.

(18:19) So now their their focus is it's their fault. Even though they've had a 360°ree change, they're still struggling with triggers. So they have to really get into the hands of some support, right? It's we're going to be a broken record with this and get into a process that helps you to heal and to actually change your relationship with the things that are triggering you so that you can grow from them and heal.

(19:01) They're different types of triggers. And we need to recognize that they're both triggered in different ways. And guiding them through that individual journey will contribute to the collective hold of that relationship. This is why we say there's a three-prong approach that we take. We focus on your marital recovery, your individual recovery, and the affair recovery.

(19:44) Absolutely. A marriage can survive one mistakes, five mistakes, 10 mistakes. I think I think it's how the offender handles the mistake, you know. Um if the offender is handling these mistakes with minimizing, you know, um and with closing and shutting down and um avoidance, that is going to be a major problem because after the mistake, even though it was a one-time thing, you have caused an a complete and total breach in the relationship.

(20:34) >> Is they try to, you know, take cover, right? So I made a mistake. I cheated. Right. And now I'm going to take cover. I'm going to hide. I'm going to lie. I'm going to defend everything. I'm going to be secretive about everything. I'm going to shut my spouse out because I don't want to cause any further damage and I don't want to be exposed.

(21:14) Let me calm you down. let me tell you that it's not that big a deal, right? Don't you minimize it. But that's what ends up happening. I think if we if we um in a in the earlier part of the offense get into the support that we need, we can avoid some of the pitfalls that cause longer term offense. >> I I think that was a phenomenal answer.

(21:54) >> If I slip on a banana pill, oh man, I didn't even see that. I made a mistake. Right? So, there are things that we do that are mistakes. But I think when it comes to any type of betrayal, and we can go on down the list. If it's a one night stand, I met somebody at the bar. I'm on vacation.

(22:34) No, this was a an error in judgment. Often times when an affair occurs, there are micro decisions that you make, micro compromises that you make. There are justifications, rationalizations, right? Compartmentalizations that happen in the mind that convince you that it's okay. In essence, when you get engage in any type of betrayal, you're giving yourself permission to do it.

(23:22) Maybe their relationship with the with with God is no longer like it once was. So there are things that contribute to the vulnerability people find themselves in to make a poor decision. But yes, you can recover from it. And I agree, whether it's one, whether it's five, you can.

(24:04) And so because it didn't work, they give up hope. And I think that if you take the right steps in the right order, yes, you absolutely can recover. If I didn't believe this could work, we wouldn't have done what we've done for the last 18 years, helping couples find healing, restoration, and transformation in their marriages.

(24:43) I would first start off by saying be careful who you give your ear to because depending upon uh the state that you're in, hearing certain things can make matters much worse. And your family and your friends love you. They're biased to you. They're going to tell you what they think you should do. Sometimes they give you advice out of their own fears, out of their own anxieties, out of their own insecurities, and they project on you what they haven't reconciled within themselves.

(25:32) But I don't think that works, Daniel. I think that you have to be unconventional in your approach. And I think what's common sense usually does not produce extraordinary results. You have to be uncommon in your process. And so, yeah, you have to be very careful. We tell people all the time, be careful who you tell.

(26:07) You know, everyone is going to have an opinion, but not everybody gets a vote, right? They don't get to determine the future of your relationship. And the question that I would ask is what ammunition have you given them to have such a strong opinion about you leaving the relationship? Right? Because we have friends. We talk to our friends.

(26:52) weaknesses of your spouse? Right? So of course they want to protect you. They're on your side. They want to to keep you from the heartbreak, as you said, that they have experienced. Um, I think at the end of the day, um, the reality with this couple is probably that she's done too much talking. Yes. >> Right.

(27:27) " And I think that's a conversation that's avoided often times. It's like, "We I've already blabbed. I've said everything. I can't take it back. They already know. And they're right. But I still want to work on my marriage. You're going to have to go back to the table and tell them this is what I'm doing and this is what I need from you now.

(27:56) You say all the time, protect your marriage from your children, but you should also protect your marriage from your family for the same because guess what? These people are now carrying a double pain because if it's a child, if it's a sibling, if whoever it is, I'm hurt by what has happened like I'm hurting for you also. I'm carrying your pain that I don't see that I think that you should be expressing.

(28:39) Right? The offense has caused so much destruction that it's awkward now. I know too much. I know that you hurt her. These are things that certain people never needed to know, right? And they can't unknow it. >> That's that's a fact. >> So now you have to go back and teach them how to react or respond around this person.

(29:17) If you weren't talking, they wouldn't have these opinions. So, you've been talking and now you got to go back and set the stage right and say something different so that people can respect where you want to go in this relationship. >> Now, let me let's let's go in the opposite direction because there's those who will not utter a word, right? So they're protecting their marriage or their own image and reputation or their spouse for other reasons, different reasons we don't have time to get into now. And so there is harm in letting no

(30:02) There has to be very specific people that are the solution to your problem, are the answer to your question that will help you heal and restore. Problem is, Danielle, so many people are saying so many things that speak death to the marriage, death to the healing, death to the recovery process, and we gravitate towards where our flesh is screaming out loud, not our spirit. And so, absolutely right.

(30:45) Not all of us have healthy ones. That's that's a whole another conversation. Um, but it's a whole other thing to actually have the right sounding board so that you make the right decision the first time. It's a lot harder to have to put put your car in reverse than if you just went the right way the first time.

(31:16) So there's a link in the description. Set up a free consultation with us so that we can see how we could be a part of your healing journey.