What if the thing you’ve been focusing on in your relationships… isn’t actually the thing that creates thriving?

In this episode, Kate shares what she truly believes is the foundational secret to a healthy, connected, and deeply fulfilling relationship — whether that’s romantic, friendships, family, or even work relationships.

Because here’s the truth:

Most people have been taught to focus on communication techniques, boundaries, or finding the “right” person…

But none of that actually works in a sustainable way if this one core piece is missing.

This episode is an invitation to shift out of the old paradigm of relationships - where people are unconsciously seeking validation, approval, or safety from others - and into a new way of relating that is rooted in emotional responsibility, deeper intimacy and truth.

When this is embodied, everything changes.

1. Relationships feel lighter, safer, and more honest
2. The patterns of overgiving, over-explaining, and over-performing begin to dissolve
3. Deeper intimacy becomes available - without self-abandonment
4. And relationships that are truly aligned begin to meet you

This isn’t just about romantic love.

It’s about how you show up in every dynamic in your life - with clients, teams, friendships, family… and most importantly, your relationship with yourself.

Because the way you relate to yourself sets the tone for everything else.

In this episode, Kate dives into:

1. The hidden pattern that keeps relationships stuck or surface-level
2. Why most people are unknowingly outsourcing their power in relationships
3. The shift that instantly elevates the quality of every connection
4. What it actually looks like to take full emotional responsibility
5. How to create relationships that feel expansive, not contracting

If you’ve ever felt drained, disconnected, or like you’re doing “everything right” but still not experiencing the depth you desire… this episode is for you.

And when you understand this one piece - everything else begins to fall into place.

This is relevant. If you're married, if you're

dating, if you're single, if you're you're in your work

relationships or friendships, like really, if you can bring

this number one secret, which I'll reveal very soon, into all

your relationships, it will be deeply healing and

transformative to all your relationships and to you, and

there's many nuances to it. So here is the secret. Are you

ready for it? The secret to thriving healthy relationships

is the energy of newness, newness, and there's so many

layers to this.

Hello, my loves. Welcome to the new truth podcast. Happy Spring

Equinox for those of you in the northern hemisphere, happy fall

equinox for those of you in the southern hemisphere. Spring is

here. I'm going to Vancouver, LA and Austin Texas in August.

Who's coming to Austin, Texas? I'm doing an expanded love

weekend in Austin, Texas at the end of the summer. So I'm very

excited to go to Austin. It's been on my list for a while of

cities I want to explore, and I am getting everyone excited

about the idea of going line dancing or something like that

after the expanded love weekend, but getting very excited for

that. So before we dive into this week's episode. I'm here to

tell you that you need to be grateful for every part of your

body. That is my learning of the week. So I'm going to start

there. I didn't realize how important my thumbs were,

especially my right thumb, until yesterday, when I was running

out the door to go to my jungle body class with Sky, my amazing

teacher, the woman that led that International Women's Day event

I went to. I was running out the door. I was rushing, if you

don't know, my nickname used to be smasher when I lived in

Vancouver. Because the pace, this is why I cannot live in

North America. The pace of North America for this highly

sensitive little projector, Taurus, is too fast for me. I

have to live somewhere that's slow. And so I lived in Greece

for four years, which is very slow. They say to you, if you're

walking too fast down the street, people say saga, saga,

like chill out. It means slowly, slowly. In in Kenya, they say

poli, Poli, which also means slowly, slowly. In North

America, there's no such thing in North America, it's like

you're not moving fast enough. Get out of my way. Go faster.

And so I used to be nicknamed smasher. My my best friend even

called me and I spilt coffee. We were sitting on an air mattress.

Okay. Now, my fault. Somebody moved my coffee's built, but she

called me smasher. This is at her in 2024 in the summer, when

I was visiting for her wedding. And it was her like, wedding,

sort of girls weekend before. And I was like, Damn, I can't

outlive that, that nickname. But the reason I'm called smasher is

because my when I move too fast, I'm clumsy. Why? Because I'm not

present, and it's always life slowing me down. So I'm actually

kind of grateful for it so it I don't smash very often. When I'm

in Greece and in Kenya, I haven't smashed in a while. But

I'm here to tell you I have a purple thumb. My nail is purple.

My acupuncturist and a few friends have told me I'm going

to lose my nail, which I'm not excited about, but I'm going to

try and manifest a different possibility.

But I was running out the door, my finger, My thumb was in the

door jam. I didn't know I went to shut the bathroom door. I was

holding the wall. I don't know why. Slammed it on my thumb and

oh my god, it hurts so bad. I'm actually on Panadol right now

because I needed to numb the pain. I don't normally take

anything, but I need, in order to record a podcast and get the

things done that I need to get done today because I'm leaving

for Greece on Tuesday. I needed to take some painkillers so it's

very painful. And I've also realized how much I use my thumb

like texting, like trying to get my lip gloss. Those of you who

know me well know that I have an addiction to Burt's Bees.

Whisper is the is the color Burt's is not really color. It's

more like sheer pink. But I whenever anyone comes to visit

me in Kenya or in Greece, they bring me 10 Burt's Bees lip

glosses, because I can't get them here. But they, you know,

you have to use your thumb. And you use your thumb to get the

toothpaste out. Use your thumb to, like, even push my electric

toothbrush. I have to use my thumb. So I'm just like, damn, I

was taking my thumb for granted. So this is a public service

announcement. Your thumbs matter. They're important, and

when you're in a hurry, slow down. I've shared that story

before, but that was like my huge lesson in Vancouver. I was

rushing one day. My nervous system was very dysregulated,

and I was late for a group coaching call, and I was rushing

and. Was in my boyfriend's brand new Volkswagen Tiguan, and I

wrapped it around the pole because I was even though there

was no cars in the underground. So I had so much space a really

tiny, tiny underground in Vancouver, they have lots of

those. But I scraped the whole side of his brand new car on the

post because I was in a hurry, and right then and there, I

heard the saying, when you're in a hurry, slow down. I heard a

voice when you're in a hurry, slow down. Cigar, cigar, pull a

pole. This is such an important mantra. I just feel like you

cannot be in your heroine. You cannot take Korea, I was going

to say creative control over your life. Co creation. You

can't co create your life and create a life you love if you're

always in a hurry, if you're always busy, if you fill every

moment and you're rushing from A to B to C to D, you miss the

experiences like I just think of how much of my life I missed

when I was in Vancouver, always in a hurry, always on the go,

like I have to be so mindful of not getting sucked back into

that when I'm home. Because what ends up happening this year, I'm

going to be there for more time, so hopefully it doesn't happen,

but And what ends up happening is I'm only home once a year. So

my schedule, even though they're fun things that I'm filling it

with, it's so busy because everyone's like, I want to see

you. And this is happening, and that's happening. It's

summertime, and there's just so much going on. So I have to be

so intentional with my grounding practices, with morning

meditations, with being so intentional with my energy, and

you have choice. So I know so many of you listening live in

North America, or maybe you live in Australia, or you live in

Europe. Europe's better, but they not so much. You know,

London is more like North America. I would say in terms of

pace, I think North America is the worst, though. Love you.

Like, not, not, I just mean in terms of like, like chasing the

dream, chasing the thing, like getting to the next thing, the

success, the it just like always being in the future. And nothing

is ever good enough, because we're never even stopping to

experience or to celebrate or to be with what, what we've

created, accomplished, achieved, experienced, because we're just

rushing to the next thing, and there's like this collective

energy and pressure to rush. I remember a healer once said to

me, what do you get from being busy? Like you always talk about

how you need to move our sessions because you're crazy

busy, you're crazy busy. And I was like, nothing. I'm just

busy. Like, what do you mean? I didn't understand. The question,

and she kept digging. Then all of a sudden I was crying and

saying, I feel important. And it was like there was a little

young part of me that felt important to be able to walk

around saying, Oh, I'm so busy like everyone else, right? It

takes, it's like an a great act of rebellion to be the one who's

walking really slow down the street. I always say to my

clients, like, piss people off. Be the person who walks like in

Greece, there are old people that walk like some of the

sidewalks are made of marble. They're starting to change that,

but they're incredibly slippery in Athens, and you'll see old

people like shuffling where they don't pick their feet up.

They've been there a long time, so they they know how to walk on

these marble sidewalks without falling. So they shuffle, and

they walk so, so, and it's so funny you see North American

tourists like trying to get around them, like, just like, so

frustrated that they're taking up the whole sidewalk because

the sidewalks are incredibly un that. What's the word? They're

just like, not really sidewalks. There's like, not much space,

and there's holes in them, and there's cars on them, and it's

just like, No, it's just chaos, no order to their sidewalks. Um,

so you see people get annoyed, and this was me when I first

moved there, but I learned to be like, Thank you for slowing me

down. Thank you for slowing me down. And I would just follow

the slow old shuffler. So this is an opportunity for you to be

that person. I don't know if shuffling will work, because the

sidewalks are made of different material, but, but to be that

person who, just like is in her body, who's feeling herself,

who's, you know, noticing her postures. Your heart open. Are

you standing tall? Are you present? Are you feeling your

feet? Are you breathing? And be that person who's sensually

walking down the street like kind of soaking up the energy,

rather than the person who's rushing you will be the

magnetic, most magnetic person on the sidewalk, hands down. But

can you be that person who's just like even though the world

around you is moving fast, and this is my practice when I'm

home. Can I move slow? Can I be present? Because if you're

moving faster in the future, you're not present. So that's

going to help you in your relationships, too. But today's

episode, let's let's

get going the number one secret to a thriving, healthy

relationship, and you know, I want to. Preface that this is

relevant to all relationships. So not just this is relevant if

you're married, if you're dating, if you're single, if

you're you're in your work relationships, your friendships,

like really, if you can bring this number one secret, which

I'll reveal very soon into all your relationships, it will be

deeply healing and transformative to all your

relationships and to you. And there's many nuances to it. So

here is the secret. Are you ready for it? The secret to

thriving healthy relationships is the energy of newness,

newness, and there's so many layers to this. So if I have

been in a relationship for a long time, what do I do? I look

at that person and I assume who they're going to be, and people

do the same for us, right when I'm working with women, and they

start changing. And they start showing up differently. Their

families and friends are challenged by it, their partners

are challenged by it. They're like, why are you being

different? Like, I don't like this version of you. This is

weird. And this, I remember this with my old mentor. She used to

when I first started coming into my power. I mean, okay, it was a

little power over I was like, very like resistant and and, you

know, like, I used to be a people pleaser, so I went from

that to being very like, pushbacky and resistant. So I

totally get when you're mentoring someone that that

would be annoying to deal with. But I was finding my power, and

I was finding my voice. And I remember her saying to me once,

like, I don't like this new version of you. And I was like,

I'm coming into my power. She's like, Yeah, I know. I don't like

it. And there's just this, like an intense dynamic between us,

because I was pushing back so much, which I never did before.

So even though it might have still been a saboteur version,

right, we have to always talk with my clients about how we

really have to let ourselves play with a pendulum of being

and practicing the opposite energy, even if it's the

saboteur version, it's like that's how we find our place in

the middle is allowing ourselves to play with the opposite energy

of how our protective survival patterns are. So if you're a

crazy neat freak, you're super perfectionist, and you always

look perfect. Get Messy. Get Messy. It doesn't mean you're

going to stay messy, but like, mess up your closet, throw

clothes on the floor, let yourself, like, breathe and feel

and welcome the experience of messiness, so that you get

comfortable with the full range of who you are, and then you'll

find that place in the middle. So newness in a relationship is

essential, and there's not, not just like seeing people as new,

but allowing yourself to be new, right? I when I'm working with

women, they say so often, oh, that's just not me. Oh, I'm not

into that thing. Oh, I'm not a dancer. I'm not into exploring

dance, that's just not me. Like, how many things do you say so

we're start, we'll start with self, and then we'll go to

other. How many things do you say every single day that keep

you in a box, that limit you? Oh, I'm this kind of person. Oh,

I'm not that kind of person. Oh, that's not me. I would never do

something like that. I will never say, Never. You do not

know your future self, and no matter what it is, even if it's

something that scares you, no, I want to say, especially if it's

something that scares you, if it's something you're you're

terrified of, or you judge is like you will never meet the

fullest expression of you, if you don't allow yourself to be a

blank canvas. All right, are you the painter who pre decides what

the canvas is going to be before you've even bought the canvas

and the paints, or are you sitting in front of this giant

canvas? Actually, I used to work for a French woman from France

who was a painter, and it was so amazing to watch her. She would

have a giant canvas. None of it was pre planned. It was, what's

it called, you know, the art that's free. Oh, my God, you

know, it'll come back to me, but it she would have these huge

canvases. And she actually sold her art at Roche babois, which

is a really famous European, French furniture company. So

abstract, you're all yelling, abstract, abstract. I knew it

would come when I stopped looking for it. So she had a

giant Canvas in the back of the warehouse, and she would just

throw paint on it like and she would make sounds like she was

expressing, I still desperately want to do this. I got to do

this one day, have a paint party. But she would make sounds

she would like, and she make all these noises, and she would just

like, throw paint. And then she would take this thing that

looked like a car, you know, the thing that you clean the snow

off with your car, squeegee thing, and she. Would do that

across it, and then she would throw things and, like, it was

just crazy. It was such a beautiful thing to watch. And it

looked like she was just, like having, it was almost like

ecstatic dance, right? Going to a dance class that is scripted,

that is, like, has moves, and you have to do this thing here,

and this thing there, and, like, it's got, you know, a

choreography versus going to an ecstatic dance class where the

music is moving you, and you're just like one with the

experience, and you're letting the music move through your

body, and you're letting your body express in whatever way

feels natural that it's non linear. Anything non linear is

so good for breaking your patterns and your habits,

because we've been trained to be so linear, even though that's

actually not our nature. But we've been trained to be linear.

So everything is like this. I do this thing and I do that thing

and I do this thing. You know, I'm gonna paint this painting,

and there's a plane flying overhead. I do not know if the

microphone is picking it up, but really loud over here, I'll just

speak to it, speak to the elephant in the room. So

everything is super, super linear and structured in school,

right? We're getting graded if we're like, I mean, I remember

doing these perfect, perfection map. Are you fucking kidding me?

We had to do that. I don't. The map didn't sink it. And I never

like, I think they, they had us do that so we would memorize the

map of the world. But, I mean, other than continents like, I

don't think I did,

but we had to color them so perfectly. And this was an

eighth grade like, as if, like, and you could not go outside the

line, and you had to color it so perfectly. And if you didn't do

it well, you had to do it again. You had to do it again. It was

this, like, ridiculous thing. I want to know the psychology

behind that, but like the perfectionism training in the

school system is insane and it's so unnatural, it's so

uncreative. Like a true creative is not pre planning everything

that's going to happen. They're letting inspiration come. I

remember when I started my business, my partner, Jeff at

the time, who my partner? Jeff. He was my partner at the time.

That's what I meant by that. He was like, You need a business

plan. You have to have a business plan. You cannot have a

business. Your business will not be successful if you don't have

a plan. And I remember at the time being like, I don't want

one like that feels so wrong, but I didn't know why. And the

brand, the unscripted woman, wasn't even here yet. I had the

expanded love method, and I don't my business was called the

irresistibility project, which it still is in my invoices, but

it's like I had not evolved into what the work is now, which is

untethering from who we've been taught to be, so we can liberate

ourselves to be who we are. It was that from the beginning, but

like the unscripted woman wasn't even here yet, but he was trying

to put me in a box and give me a script and say, you have to have

a plan. You cannot grow a business. I am this is

officially 2026 is the 10th year anniversary of the expanded love

method of this work in the world. And I am happy to say

I've never had a fucking plan. I've never had a plan. He told

me I had to have a plan, and that I would not be successful

without a plan. And that was so untrue, right? That's the old

paradigm, that's the script. That's a we have to pre plan

everything. I didn't know where I was headed, so how would I

have had a plan? And had I had a plan. I might have completely

missed life's plan. I might have completely missed the universe's

plan. And the the epic business, like the budding garden of my

business that, like, one flower pops up at a time, and it's

like, oh, now it's a podcast. Now it's this. Now it's that. Go

back and listen to the purpose episode. I share the whole story

of how absolutely, every facet of my work has been divinely

guided, and I'm getting guidance towards new things now, which is

so cool. So that's how it has worked, and that's how I have

created all the success that I've created in my work in the

world, and all the impact that I've had was because I followed

my soul and the present moment, and I didn't have a plan, right?

So coming back to that Canvas, most people pre plan what's

going to be on the canvas, rather than, and this is a

metaphor, if you're not picking that up, rather than allowing

yourself to sit in front of the canvas like this French woman I

used to work for and just let the painting talk to you one

stroke at a time. Apparently, this is how the David in

Florence, Italy was carved. Apparently, Michelangelo said

the David like he just chipped away one chip at a time, and the

David revealed himself like he was always inside. So how

beautiful that that is possible. I believe that's the soul led

life, right? And that is how all creations are born. When they're

coming from the heart and soul. You have to be present in the

experience and let the thing unfold. So now bringing this

metaphor into your relationship. If you see, first of all

yourself, because we project what we project onto ourselves,

onto other people. So if you see yourself as who you've been,

there's that saying you keep doing what you've always done,

you'll keep getting what you've always got. The definition of

insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect a

different result if you keep being who you've always been,

and keep yourself in that box, notice how many times a day you

say to yourself or to someone else, oh, that's not me. Oh, I

would never do that. Oh, I'm a perfectionist. Oh, I'm like a

sacrificer. Oh no, I'm just, like an over functional like,

this is just who I am. This is just who I am. Oh no, I'm not a

dancer. I have two left feet. Oh, I'm tone deaf. I would never

saying oh no, I am. I would never go on a trip to Africa.

That's just, like, too dangerous. Like, no, I would

never like whatever you're saying. We do it in so many

ways. Like for me with Swahili, I've used this as an example

lots lately, because it's like I had a belief that I I'm too old

to learn a language, you know, Regina, that's my saboteur, that

that, that it's too late, you know, that my brain doesn't work

in that way because I've never learned another language. And

yet, I'm studying Swahili, and I love it, and it's so fun and

it's so beautiful, and it's, I'm not at the place where I can

talk with people yet. I actually kind of get nervous when people

try and talk to me and kind of freeze a little bit, but I'm

every single Swahili lesson with my teacher now we're just

speaking, and she's asking me questions in Swahili, and I'm

conjugating verbs and putting sentences together and and I'm

using my notes, and it's like open book tests, and it's fun.

I'm not putting pressure on myself, but it's really fun, and

it's just opened me to this new part of myself that I didn't

know existed. And probably me living in Greece, and I

naturally learned a lot of Greek words and Greek phrases and

whatnot, from living there for four years. I did, never studied

it, but I know a lot of Greek and I and I'm pretty good at the

accent, which is, I get lots of compliments. People think I'm

Greek because I speak a few things and then I have the

accent. But that was so cool. I've never in a million years

thought I would learn Greek. Of course, living somewhere, you

pick stuff up, but I learned more than I thought I would, and

I didn't even try. And so then, coming to Kenya, I was primed to

actually put a little effort in and learn this beautiful

language. It's so Swahili feels like such a heart language. It's

very light and playful. So the reality is, who you actually are

is you have no idea like I think of all the women I've worked

with over the years, when I meet them, they are like in every

sense of the word, the polar opposite of the woman they

become. You know, quite often our survival patterns are like

the opposite of what our nature is, but that was the thing that

you had to develop and adapt to, to survive whatever situation

you were in growing up, right? Whoever you were raised by

whatever family you were in, whatever school system you went

to, whatever teachers taught you, whoever influenced you in

your life, whatever culture you were raised in, religion.

There's so many factors to what influences us and has us adapt

and evolve into into these programmed, conditioned versions

of ourselves. But the best news in the world is you are not who

you think you are. You know in even if you like yourself like

because stuff you like is coming with you, but you're so much

more than you could ever imagine, right? All of my work

is about helping women crack open who they really are, and

untether from that program self. So you knowing that is so

important, so that as you start to step into your journey, or

you might be have been on it for a long time, but it's like, let

yourself lean into those places that scare you, right? That

thing that you're like, a little bit curious about, but you're

like, Oh God, I could never do that. Lean into that follow that

thread. Let yourself say yes to the dance class, say yes to

Tantra. Speed dating, say yes to to even online dating. It's

like, but do it from a different lens, right? Do it from like,

not pre deciding. So speed actually dating is a great

example, right? In dating, we're pre deciding what's going to

happen. We've have all these pre, pre, pre

preconceived notions about men, about dating, about

relationships, about love, about what is possible for you. And so

let like, maybe write those out when, when you're about to open

a door that scares you, whatever fears arise, or stories or

limiting beliefs arise, write them out so you can document

like, oh, there's my saboteur trying to stop me, trying to

protect me. Thank you so much for trying to protect me. I

appreciate it. Thank you. I'm just going to open this door

anyways, but I appreciate your support, right? And then you

walk through that door that scares you, because that's the

only way you're going to meet your head. Heroin, like who you

really are and who you're meant to be in this lifetime is ever

evolving, and there's so much in there. And every time you do

something that scares you and open that door, you meet a new

part of yourself. So this newness, if you keep seeing

yourself through who you've been, that's why, in my work, my

clients name themselves, give themselves a new name. It's not

about changing your name, although some women do, and

sometimes when a woman names her heroine, it's like hard to go

back to your OG name if it doesn't suit the expanded

version of you, because quite often our names suit the limited

version of us, and also your saboteur. Patterns are really

fused with the with your identity and your name. So in my

coaching containers and in my group online programs, and

inside of the immersion, women go by their heroin name the

whole time, and it's so cool. I just did a retreat in Kenya,

100% of them are women that have been to the immersion with me in

the last couple years in Greece, and they all went by their

heroin names for the whole week or whole whole nine days in

Kenya because they were they wanted to be called forward to

the expansiveness of who they are and when you choose. It's

not about your name being bad, but it's about choosing your

identity, choosing something like choosing a name that's

exciting, that's beautiful, that scares you, that is like more

than who you could imagine yourself to be. So now, when

you're in that small self being like, Oh, that's not me. I'm not

one of those. I don't do that. I could never do that. And you're

limiting yourself, you notice, and you're like, Whoa, calling

on my heroine right now, calling on my heroines actually, Kate

Harlow. Go back to episode two of the new truth, if you want to

hear my name change story, but Kate Harlow is my heroine

because I changed my name to my middle name, and my

grandfather's middle name is my last name. That is my heroine.

So calling on Kate Harlow, and then I became her, and now I'm

so much more than I could ever Fathom when I was this other

version of me. So coming up, I mean, I wasn't planning on

sharing this today, but coming up with a heroin name. It's

inside my reclamation program. I walk you through how to unlock

your heroin and how to how to come up with a heroin name, but

you want to choose something that that is exciting and

expensive. So in those moments of limitation, you can call on

that part of you. You can say, hey, I'm ready. Like I Samara,

one of my favorite heroines. Shout out to smart if you're

listening. Is she her heroin name is Samara, and we all call

her Samara. Whenever anyone says her actual name, it feels weird

because she's so Samara. She's so expanded now she's so in her

heroine. So let yourself be new, and let yourself meet new parts

of yourself. If you just keep doing what you've done, you'll

keep getting what you've got. If you want to feel good in your

life, if you want to live a purposeful life. If you want to

feel more beautiful and radiant and alive and powerful and

sensual and expanded and adventurous, and you want to

have a life that you love, you have to be willing to walk

through the fear and meet new parts of yourself and to hold

your your younger parts of you that are scared and to say, I've

got you. You're safe. I love you. We're going to open this

door, and I've got you right to go on those adventures, to say

yes to yourself, you will like be shocked at who's inside. I

mean, I've been doing this particular I've been coaching

for 17 plus years, but this journey for 10 years, and it is

the absolute most beautiful thing in the world, to walk next

to a woman on her journey and to see her through all her

smallness and all these limitations and all the and then

watch her heroine emerge, and watch who she really is emerge,

and then watch her become someone who could not be more

different than who she thought she was. And that's where she's

deeply happy and satiated and lit up and turned on and no

longer anxious and depressed and all those things because she was

anxious and depressed when she met me, because she was

repressing herself without knowing it, right? You've been

taught to repress yourself, so let yourself be new. Okay? This

is the key to relationship, right? So think about it without

even talking about the other person, which we will get to

you. Bringing yourself new in your relationship allows for a

brand new dynamic to occur, right? If you just keep showing

up as the naggy controller in your relationship, your husband

or partner will keep showing up as the frickin teenager. If you

keep showing up as the self sacrificer who shape shifts and

does everything for everyone else, but is bitter and

resentful, your partner will keep showing up as the taker and

the selfish one who makes it all about them, right? Whatever

you're doing from your patterns, if you keep doing that inside of

your relationship, your relationship will stay the same.

But if you bring yourself alive and free and happy, because

you're all of a sudden going on these adventures, saying yes to

coming on the immersion, saying yes to going to Africa, saying

yes to that dance class, or to that improv theater, or to

joining a musical, or whatever, that thing that scares you is to

doing the thing that's different, if that's if you're

saying yes to new parts of yourself, it will light you up

in ways you cannot see, and that will shift your relational

dynamic, because your partner will see you how they saw you in

the beginning, maybe even more so, because it's new, because

you're bringing new parts of yourself forward, they will fall

more In love with you. I'll give you an example my former

partner, Patricio, when I started coming to Kenya, even

though me coming to Kenya kind of led to the end of our

relationship. When I started coming he was so moved by how

expanded I was. Every time I'd come home, he would cry. He

would be like, Oh my gosh, my love. I've never seen you more

powerful. I've never seen you more expansive. So even in our

breakup, because he this is what true love is, it's not I want to

keep you in a box and you to stay small, and me to stay

small, and us to stay together forever. Real love is, I love

you to and I want you to live the most aligned life for you,

and I want me to live the most aligned life for me, even if

that looks like us going separate ways, and he's still in

my life, but we've gone separate directions because I me coming

to Kenya was me meeting a new part of myself, which means we

were no longer a fit in our relationship. And even though he

knew that, and even though he didn't want that to be true and

he didn't want our relationship to end, he was so happy for me.

It was the most beautiful thing. Like he, he has real love for

me, deep,

true love for me, because he was so happy for me to be expanded.

And he he said, like, I love you and I want to be with you, but I

also know that this is what's best for you, and I also trust

that if this is what's best for you, this is what's best for me,

which he learned from being together so but I was so

expanded and following my heart and that newness. So sometimes

we expand, and it leads to a relationship completing. And if

a part of you is afraid to expand, I hear this a lot from

women. I love my husband. I don't want to grow too much,

because I don't want to outgrow this relationship. Says your

small self, right? Only says your small self. You love your

partner and they love you. If you expanding means you outgrow

the relationship. That is going to be what's best for

everything, and that's in the divine plan. And when you're

living from your heroine, you learn to trust the divine plan,

because everybody is happier. And you'll see later why it's

divine doesn't always make sense in the moment, but years later,

you'll look back and be like, Wow, thank goodness I had the

courage to follow my heart, because I was meant to go over

there and he was meant to go over there, and it will all make

or she or whatever you want to it'll all make sense later. You

don't need to know, but all you need to trust is your own heart

and your own truth, right? And if you're putting yourself in a

box and continue painting the canvas before the Canvas has

revealed itself to you, one brush stroke at a time, then you

are pre deciding who you're going to be, and that means

you're being your conditioned, scripted self. That means you're

not living the authentic life that was meant for you, which is

going to feel the best for sure, for everyone. You're living the

scripted life, right? So let yourself be new. Let yourself

grow, and just know that no matter what the outcome, and I

have witnessed so many couples who, you know, even were on the

verge of an ending, or they ended their relationship and

they got back together because the heroine was shining so

bright and so expanded, and then it allowed for a whole new

relationship to come through. It only takes one conscious person

and one person who's super devoted to shift an entire

dynamic in a relationship. So if that is you, that's also a

possibility. So you can trust that if this is what's if this

is the relationship we're meant to keep having, he will evolve

with me, and I don't need to watch for him to evolve, but I

can just trust that will evolve. Sometimes couples will split up,

go their own ways, go on their own path and come back together

later. But you don't have to know where it's going to go. All

you have to do is be true to yourself and keep meeting new

parts of you. If you don't keep meeting new parts of you, you

are in your patterns, in your relationship, for sure, your

saboteur is in charge of your relationship, and you'll just

keep getting those painful experiences where you're like

longing for more intimacy. You feel unseen by your partner. You

feel like they don't get you if you don't show you, they can't

get you, right? They can't see you if you don't, if you don't

know you. Do we're often like, I just want to be seen, I just

want to be loved and understood. But like, Do you even love and

understand yourself? Do you see yourself, or do you just see

this limited version of you go on a journey and start unlocking

who you are? Okay, I'm going to plug the new truth event.

Actually meant to do that at the beginning, because if you

haven't signed up for the new truth event yet, it's totally

free. March 29 8am Pacific, a Sunday morning, we are gathering

to celebrate the new truth the impact it has had being a woman

who's unscripted in the world, being a woman who's following

her heart and her truth and her company compass, I want to meet

you on Zoom, and if you're in my community already, I would love

for you to be there. So you have to sign up. So the link is below

this episode in the show notes. It's also on my website. Now the

unscripted woman.com on the at the very top of the website.

It's on my Instagram. Oh, actually, it's not. I'm going to

do that right after this podcast. It will be by the time

you listen to this episode, in the link tree, in the bio, but

definitely, definitely sign up for the new truth celebration

event. It we're going to be live on Zoom. We're going to be

sharing stories, inspiring each other, expanding. You will feel

so much more of your expand, expansive self from this

experience. There's so much magic that happens when this

community gathers. It is the most powerful community, but you

have to sign up in order to get the Zoom link and in order to be

notified of all the details. So make sure you sign up for the

and also to be entered in the draw. You also have to sign up

and show up to be entered in the draw for the for the giveaways,

which are a spot at my expanded or my expanded love weekend in

Austin, Texas, that's one of the gifts. One of them is a six week

coaching program with me that's brand new, called the shift, all

about raising your frequency and taking responsibility for your

energy and what you're co creating in your life. And the

third gift is a reclamation online program that I do live

once a year, that you'll get the online version, and then next

January, you can do it with me live as well. So epic, epic

prizes definitely come and join us for the expanded love

weekend. Okay, so newness. Allow yourself to be new and watch

your whole entire relationship change as you keep growing and

the relationships, all friendships, everything that's

meant to come with you will and everyone that's just not meant

to be in your life anymore will fall away. Doesn't mean that you

stop loving them. You know, I think of all my dear friends

from high school and elementary school who I still love deeply,

but I'm not close to anymore. I don't talk to them on a regular

basis. They're not my people. They're not my my sisters, who

you know are on the same path as me, who hold the mirror up when

I need the mirror held up, who celebrate the crap out of me

when I need the celebration, who remind me of who I am when I

forget like I'm surrounded by women who are on a path like me.

Those are my best friends. Those are the women who are my soul

sisters. But I love my friends that were on me with me on the

journey, when I was in my saboteur, right, when I didn't

know myself, when I was the pleaser and the shape shifter

and the sacrificer, those besties from those times are

still in my heart, and I love them. And if I bump into them

when I'm home, we have coffee, we catch up, we follow each

other's journeys on social media. I love them. It doesn't

mean when you outgrow romantic relationships like I still talk

to Jeff, I still talk to Patricio, Charlie, all my former

partners. I still have a connection with, I still have a

relationship with. It's just a change of container, right?

They're not in my daily life because it's no longer aligned

for them to be in my daily life. But it doesn't mean I stop

loving them. So for those of you who just are so loyal and you

hold on so tight and you're afraid to lose people in your

life. Know that everyone comes with you in your heart. But what

happens is you raise your vibration and you start to

evolve your soul. You will start to attract souls who are on a

similar path, who are evolving with you. That's why joining the

reclamation my immersion community, or the coming to the

new truth event is a powerful place to meet other women who

are on the journey right, who are taking responsibility, who

are living lives they love, who are evolving beyond who they

thought they were so much easier to be on the journey with women

who are ahead of you and who've already been on it and who who

are. That's why I love all of the live events I do because so

many women in the community who've worked with me for years

get on again and again and again, and they end up being the

models for all the women who are new to the journey that are like

I don't know if it's possible for me to be different than I

am. And then you hear someone's story about how they completely

transformed who they are in the world, how they show up, their

relationship with themselves, their self, love, everything

changed in their life. And you hear those stories, and you're

like, oh, okay, I'm on the right path. This is the right place to

be. And you surround yourself with women like that, you will

stay on the path. So join us for sure, for the new truth event,

make sure you sign up in the link below. Get all your friends

that listen to the new truth to join too. It's going to be a

really powerful. So March 29 really powerful day, and we'll

be together for a couple hours, and but, but, so coming back to

the newness, you also have to allow other people to be new.

Okay, so I'm going to bring in a story, and one of my heroines

I'm working with right now, she was talking about how there's

this guy at work that activates people, and it's like everyone's

holding him to who he's been, right? Rather than being

curious, right? So we put people in boxes constantly, and then

we're just like, oh, that's that character, rather than actually

meeting the moment new, if you're taking responsibility for

what triggers you about people, and there's so many episodes

about that of how to do that, but if you're taking

responsibility for the mirror, right? If you're looking in the

mirror when you're activated by anyone, your husband, your best

friend, your boss, if you're looking in the mirror and saying

judging, whatever your judgments are towards them, are a

reflection of something shut down in you. They're a

reflection of you know, possibly you doing the same thing and

other dynamics and not realizing it, it's going to reveal a blind

spot when you look in the mirror, but when you clean up

your side of the street, and you clean up all your projections,

the beauty of what that does it is it allows you to a not be

triggered by everyone all the time, which is exhausting, but

and also like our saboteur is just like believing everyone's

wrong and they should be different and I'm right, like

your saboteur just always wants to be right. But the reality is,

that's why we gossip to other people. We make someone else

wrong and bad. We make us right in that moment, we feel

validated in our experience when we're bonding and gossiping with

other people. But ultimately, we're you're keeping yourself in

a box because and you're keeping that person in a box. When you

look in the mirror and you see what they're reflecting, that's

deeper. And if you don't get this like, come work with me,

you will get how to you will become a master at looking in

the mirror and seeing the gifts that other people have to give

you in these activations, that guy's just playing a character

in your movie. He's got a little cameo because he's there to

reflect something in you for your growth, for your evolution,

when you when you've diffused the trigger by owning it and

alchemizing it, by moving your feelings and not no longer

projecting onto that person, they you will see them

differently, and other people will see them a certain way, but

you'll see them differently. And guess what, they'll start to

show up different. So the same is true for your spouse. If

you've been married for 30 years, and every day you wake up

and you see him as the same person, or you see her as the

same person. Guess what? You're putting them in a box too, just

like you're putting yourself in a box. But when you're in your

heroin and you're expanded, you'll start to see the blank

canvas that every person is. And if I'm not putting you in a box

like everyone else might be, it allows for something different

to come through. And this has been one of the most beautiful,

rewarding parts of this journey of of doing this for 10 years is

witnessing so many of my clients really, quote, unquote, toxic

exes or challenging parents or whoever's in their life, they're

really triggered by watch them transform before their eyes,

because all of a sudden they're behaving different, right? It's

not the other person's behavior that's triggering, it's who you

become in their presence. That's what actually hurts. Is who you

become in their presence. It's your own guards. It's your own

protection. It's your own survival pattern. So look in the

mirror. What is my pattern? What am I doing right now? Am I shape

shifting? Am I holding back? Am I Am I proving? Am I forcing? Am

I controlling? Am I perfection? Trying to be perfect? Am I

trying to be perceived a certain way? Right? Look in the mirror.

Am I in fantasy? Fantasy is expecting other people to be

different than who they've been. That's a fantasy. Like they

might change when you do. That's absolutely a high possibility.

But if you're expecting someone to change so you don't feel bad.

That's a fantasy, right? It's not your job to say how other

people like. We've been taught from a very young age to police

everyone else, right? At school, go tattletale that person's been

bad. Go look for who's being wrong and bad and tell on them.

So we're taught and now cancel culture is that like magnified

to the nth degree, we are taught to tattletale for other people,

rather than just take responsibility for who you're

bringing to the to the room, what is your energetic frequency

that you're walking into the room with? Who are you being?

That's what matters. And then from that place, how am I

treating other people? Am I allowing them to be new to

right? So as you evolve, you will naturally be able to see

your spouse or your partner differently, and you will be

able to have more space for who they're becoming to. And you'll

naturally encourage it by your energy becoming more you will

unconsciously invite them to do the same, but even by rather

than assuming like, think about, okay, this is a. An amazing

book. If you have not read The Four Agreements, read The Four

Agreements or go reread it if you've read it. That was my

awakening book that I read when I was 26 and then I did a

meditation retreat with John Miguel Ruiz, the author. But

that book, The Four Agreements, don't take things personally,

people's facial expressions and behaviors and what they say and

do, even if it's directed at you, is not about you, and yet

your saboteur is going to take everyone personally, even the

stranger's facial expressions. Regina used to take every

everything personally. Don't make assumptions as a second

agreement. So we're constantly assuming rather than getting

curious. So with your partner, that is one of the keys to

newness is coming from Curiosity every day, being curious about

who they are and what their experience is and what they're

feeling. Get to know them every day, this new energy and have

new experiences with each other, not just with yourself, but each

other. If you don't travel together, go on a wild adventure

together, right? Go do new things together, have new

experiences, so it can unlock new parts of you. So let them be

new, rather than constantly seeing them as who they've been.

And also, like, stop looking to your partner to be everything

for you. They're not. They're not supposed to be, especially

if you're heterosexual. I mean, no matter what, but men and

women are so different, and one of the biggest issues women have

in relationship and men have is really women are trying to make

their men women. You need a you need a community of amazing

sisters behind you so that those parts of you can be satiated so

you stop looking to your man to be a woman, because he's not a

woman, and he'll never be a woman, even if he's highly

intelligent, you will never get I actually often say I think

women need women more than we need men. And of course, we need

men, but for like this, this beautiful little thing that they

give us, not for everything, but we've been taught to need them

for everything. So stop looking to your partner to be everything

and grow become everything to yourself, and grow a life that's

everything to you, and build your sisterhood and your

community around you, of women who are supporting you to be all

of who you are. And then you go to your man, and you have

intimacy and you have deep connection, and you share your

experiences and you share your excitement, but you're not

looking at him to be your therapist and your best friend

and your lover and your son and your dad and your like, like,

what are we like when you're in your pad or and you're looking

to that person for way too much that he's not responsible for?

So where are you projecting from past hurts, past judgments,

baggage, preconceived notions. What beliefs do you have about

if it's a new relationship or you're dating, what are you

projecting onto that person? Oh, oh, this guy, oh, he must be a

nurse as he's doing that thing, and that guy did like, Oh, I'm

looking for all the ways to project and put this person in a

box, versus be endlessly curious and fascinated by this moment,

fascinated by myself and my soul, and they'll say fascinated

and curious about them, right? Stop projecting who you think

they are. Get to know them in every moment. And this is

everyone, even the person that triggers you at work or the

person who triggers you in your friendship. It's like let them

be new. And when you show up softer and more open and more

present and more vulnerable and more real and more you, they

will too, and if they don't, they'll fall out of your life.

They'll fall out of your day to day, because they're not meant

to be there anymore as you evolve. Otherwise, you'll stay

stuck if you try and keep your external world exactly the same,

as you evolve internally, you will stay stuck, you'll limit

yourself. You have to trust life and trust if someone falls out

of your life, that's a redirection that was meant to

happen. That is how it was meant to go. So bring yourself new

into every relationship and to every phase, right? Let people

be new. Have new experiences, new and it's so this is perfect,

because I'm recording this and it's spring equinox, and it is

like New Energy. This is the spring. Is the energy of

newness. So bring spring into everything you do. Our hearts

and souls need newness. Our bodies need newness that keeps

you present. That's why, when people travel often. When I'm

working with women, and we're talking about them starting to

tap into their heroin, they say to me, Kate, I feel like I've

already am my heroine when I travel. That's because when you

travel, you're put in new situations. You're experiencing

new cultures, you're seeing new things, you're meeting new

people, hearing new languages. Everything is new so it starts

to unlock parts of you you haven't met yet. So traveling is

a phenomenal way keep stretching into those new corners. There

are so much of you to discover, and it's endless. It's a

beautiful, as I always say, treasure hunt. The never ends,

right? People are often like, Oh God, I'm gonna have to do the

work forever. No, it doesn't. Feel like work. It feels like

play. The deeper you go into meeting new corners of yourself,

the more fun this journey gets, the lighter it gets, the more

playful the gig gets, the more expansive it gets, and you get

to discover new you, new cultures, new life, new energy,

new adventure. There's so much here on planet Earth for you to

experience, and how sad is it that most people just live in a

frickin box? This is my name, this is my religion, this is my

neighborhood I grew up in. This is where, like, this is the

house, you know, this is like, I'm American, so I only live in

America, and I've only ever lived in America, and I only

stay in the same place. I've only been, like, I was watching

a guy called the digital nomad capitalist. I think he's called

on YouTube. I watched him on Chris Williamson's podcast, and

he was so it was so interesting, so good. He lives in like, three

different countries. He's moved around a lot. I think his base

is Malaysia. But he was talking about how his dad taught him

from a very young age, just because you're American doesn't

mean you have to stay in America. You have to stay in

America, especially nowadays, right? It's so easy to get a

digital nomad visa to build an online business. It's like the

world has opened up so much, and yet so many people don't even

question living, leaving where they live, right? So many people

don't even question, okay, changing their name. When I

change my name, people judged the shit out of me when I first

changed my name from Andrea as my first name, which never fit

when I was like six, I was like, I was like, resistant to that

name. I felt like, not me, and Kate comes from my middle name.

And when I changed my name, people judged the shit out of

me. They thought I was a weirdo, hippie, crazy person. And then

now I look back and I'm like, wait, some people I know hate

their names like I did, and they're not even questioning

that they can change it. You're just gonna be like, that's how I

changed mine was my boyfriend when I was 25 was like, you hate

your name. Like, why are you gonna go by a name you hate?

What if you live to be 100 years old? You're gonna go by a name

you hate for another 75 years, what? And he, he, he was an

actor, right? Actors change their names all the time. So to

him, it was like, of course, you do the thing that feels aligned

for you, that feels right for you. And me at the time, in my

small, limited self, like no people judge me, I can't change

who I am. Your soul is meant to change. It's meant to experience

newness. So there's something that doesn't align in your life.

Start uncovering what does like you don't have to stay where you

are, and your mind will come up with all the reasons you do. You

don't have an online business like Kate. You can't do what

she's doing. You have this. You have that your mind will come of

the all the reasons why everything I'm saying is not for

you, it's just for me. That is bullshit. I created my life this

way, right? I didn't have an online business before I went

like this was the divine leading me, because my soul is meant to

be free and meant to experience many cultures and many beautiful

places in the world, meant to sprinkle my love everywhere. You

have the same opportunity the unit. You live in the same

universe as I do, but if you're just living by your limited,

scripted self and keep saying, Oh, that's not me, oh, and

that's my partner, they're like this, and I'm like this, and you

just keep feeding those stories, you're going to keep getting

what you've always got, and you're going to stay where you

are. But if you want a life that lights you up from the inside

out, you have to walk into the unknown. You have to be willing

to feel the fear and do it anyways, to open those doors and

walk through them and not let your saboteur lead. And if you

need support in doing so, come join us on the new truth live

event that will be super supportive for you to meet other

women March 29 it's going to be so magical and expansive. Join

us. Sign up in the link below. Sign up on the unscripted

woman.com it's on the front page, and we'll see you at 8am

Pacific on March 29 for that, join me in my new shift coaching

program, or we can explore the immersion, or whatever is the

right fit for you, the reclamation. But book a call

with me on that's actually on my website. I think to book a call

with me, but it's definitely on my Instagram. Kate Harlow, the

unscripted woman in the link tree, you can book an

exploration call if you want to have a conversation about

exploring what would be the right path to unlocking your

heroine. But my love, there's so much more inside of you than you

could ever know. So it's time to discover who you really are,

which is infinite, who your partner really is, if you're in

a relationship which is infinite, who men are, which is

infinite, what's possible for you or women, or whatever you're

meant to experience like what is possible for you is so expansive

and beyond your wildest dreams, you just have to be willing to

open the door, even though your mind is going to try and talk

you out of it 100% of the time. Okay, newness is the key and the

secret to a thriving, healthy relationship. So let your

relationship be new. Share this episode with every woman you

know who needs to have some newness in her relationship, in

herself, in her life. I love you. How. Have a beautiful rest

of your week, and we'll see you on March 29 you.