For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

When anger flares up, it can feel like something other people cause — a disrespectful comment, a traffic jam, a partner’s forgetfulness. But what if the real reason you get angry isn’t out there, but within you?

In this revealing episode of The Anger Management Podcast, anger expert Alastair Duhs, with help from AI co-hosts Jake and Sarah, unpacks a powerful truth: your thoughts create your anger — and that means you can change it.

If you're ready to reclaim your calm and control your reactions, this episode shows you how.

Key Takeaways:

-Anger begins with your thoughts: It’s not the event, but how you interpret it — your story about what’s happening — that creates anger.

-Your reactions aren’t set in stone: Even deeply ingrained patterns of anger can be rewired through conscious awareness and consistent practice.

-The power lies in the pause: Noticing the thought before reacting gives you the chance to choose a calmer, more helpful response.

-Blame is easy — change is transformational: Shifting from “they made me angry” to “I created this feeling” is the first step toward real emotional freedom.

-You’re not powerless: You can train your mind to respond differently, build stronger relationships, and feel more in control of your emotions.

-Small steps lead to big change: Catch one thought, question one reaction, practice one pause — and you’re already breaking the cycle.

Links referenced in this episode:

angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management

angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Breaking The Anger Cycle

angersecrets.com/course — Enroll in The Complete Anger Management System

Picture.

It's been one of those days.

The kids are fighting.

Your partner makes a comment that lands the wrong way or traffic slows to a crawl when you're already late.

And then it happens.

Before you realise it, sharp words fly out.

Your voice rises.

Or maybe you slam a door.

For a split second, it feels like you've released the anger.

But then the quiet sets in.

You see the look in their eyes.

That heavy ache of guilt washes over you and you ask yourself, why did I let it get so out of control?

It's a painful cycle, so many of us know all too well.

But here's the thing.

Those anger outbursts don't come from nowhere.

They're often the result of deeper stresses, unspoken frustrations, mounting pressure or unresolved emotions.

But without the right tools to manage them, they spill over in moments when you feel overwhelmed.

Whatever the issue, in today's episode, we are going to pull back the curtain on what's really driving those angry reactions and show you how to take the first step toward breaking free from anger, when, once and for all.

Welcome to episode 51 of the Anger management podcast.

I'm your host, Alistair Dues, and over the last 30 years, I've taught over 15,000 men and women to control their anger, master their emotions and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.

In this podcast, I combine my 30 years of anger management experience with with the power of artificial intelligence to share with you some of the most powerful tips and tools I know to help people control their anger, master their emotions and live calmer, happier and more peaceful lives.

Today, I've enlisted the help of my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, to discuss a topic I call the real reason you get angry.

Make sure you stick around to the end of the episode two, where I'll summarize Jake and Sarah's conversation and let you know how to take the next step to control your anger once and for all.

With that said, let's get started into today's deep dive.

You know that feeling, right?

It's been one of those days.

Maybe your patience has just evaporated.

The kids are really going at it.

Or a comment from your partner just lands wrong and before you even know it, you snap.

Words fly out, maybe louder, sharper than you meant.

Then that quiet hits you see the look in their eyes hurt.

And that familiar, ugh, that ache of guilt just washes over you.

Oh, absolutely.

Have you ever been there in that moment, seeing that impact and just thinking, why?

Why did I do that?

Why did I let it get so out of control.

It's a really common and painful experience for so many people.

Well, today we're starting a deep dive into something so many of us wrestle with.

We're going to unpack this idea, maybe a challenging one, that those bursts of frustration, that short fuse, it might all come from something deeper inside us.

Right.

It's a perspective shift.

Definitely.

Not always easy to face, but really empowering when you do.

Exactly.

Our mission today is to get a clearer picture of where anger truly starts and by the end, give you a.

A practical, really actionable key to change.

How you see it, how you handle it.

And it's not about just white knuckling it, trying harder not to be angry.

Yeah, not at all.

It's about understanding, getting to a place where you actually feel proud of how you responded instead of, well, ashamed.

And it takes real courage to even look at this stuff, doesn't it?

Most people just kind of brush it off.

They do blame stress or just say, oh, that's just how I am.

Like it's set in stone.

Exactly.

But leaning into that discomfort, asking what's really going on underneath, that's where the power is.

That's where change starts.

And that's what we're doing here, challenging those old beliefs, offering insights to feel more in control, calmer, more connected.

It's bigger than just temper management.

It's about the life you want.

Really well said.

Okay, so let's start with that big one.

The common belief.

When we get angry, the first instinct is we say, they made me angry or the situation just set me off.

It feels so true in the moment, like an external force acting on you completely.

Like it's automatic, inevitable.

But here's the fascinating part.

While that explanation feels right, it's.

Well, it's not the full story.

Anger doesn't actually live out there in the world or in other people.

Okay.

It starts inside you.

Always.

In pretty much every single situation that feels heated, there's a moment.

Might be tiny, really quick, but there's a moment where you choose.

Choose?

Yeah.

React with anger.

Or responds differently.

The missing link, the thing most people miss isn't the situation.

It's your thoughts about what's happening.

That's what builds the anger.

They're the real architects of the feeling and then the reaction.

So if I'm hearing you right, it's not the argument itself or the traffic or the mess my kids made.

Nope.

It's my thoughts about the argument, the traffic, the mess.

That's what creates the anger.

Precisely.

It's like putting a Filter over reality.

And that filter dictates the emotion.

Okay, but are there certain kinds of thoughts then?

Like, is it usually about feeling disrespected?

Or like you're losing control?

Or maybe the things are just unfair because sometimes it happens so fast it's hard to catch the thought.

That's a great question.

It really gets to the heart of it.

While the mechanism is always your interpretation, you've nailed some of the biggest culprits.

Thoughts about injustice.

This isn't fair.

Huge trigger.

Okay, yeah, I could see that.

And the thoughts about personal offense.

They did that on purpose or they don't care about me.

Very powerful.

Right?

Taking it personally.

Exactly.

And then there's the control thing.

Violation of expectations.

This shouldn't be happening.

Things should go my way.

These underlying judgments, these demands, we kind of put on reality, often without even realizing it.

That's the fuel.

Ah, okay.

So recognizing those patterns, like shoulds or feeling personally attacked, that's step one.

That's a huge part of step one.

Bringing those automatic thoughts into awareness.

Okay, let's make this really concrete.

An example.

I think this helps it.

Click.

Imagine you're driving home, kind of zoned out, and bam.

Another car just swerves right in front of you.

Yeah.

Super close.

No signal.

Dangerous.

Okay.

Heart pounds immediately.

Right.

What's that?

Instant thought.

Probably something like, what an idiot.

Do they even care about anyone else?

Anger flares up.

Hands tighten on the wheel.

Maybe you yell something or just sit there fuming.

The classic road rage scenario.

Very relatable.

Totally.

But now let's twist it slightly.

Same swerve, same danger.

But just as you're about to react, you glance over and it's your best friend John driving.

Ah.

Okay.

What happens inside now?

Your whole story changes instantly, doesn't it?

Completely.

Yeah.

It's not idiot anymore.

It's.

Oh, it's John.

Wow.

He must be in a massive hurry.

Or geez, hope everything's okay.

Anger probably gone.

It may be replaced by a little worry or even amusement.

Like classic John.

You might wave or just shake your head with a smile.

No explosion, no stewing.

Same exact event.

Totally different feeling.

That's it, isn't it?

Yeah.

The event was identical.

The car swerving.

But the story in your head, your interpretation.

That changed everything.

Everything.

So what was really in control?

Yeah.

Not the other car.

Not even John's driving.

Technically, it was my thinking.

Your thinking triggered the feeling you created the anger, or the lack of it, with your thoughts.

Wow.

Okay.

But for a lot of people, those reactions feel so Automatic, So deeply wired.

Is it really just as simple as deciding to think differently?

Especially if it's a pattern you've had for years?

Yeah, it seems harder than that.

That's a really important point because, no, it doesn't feel simple when you're in it.

And you're right, it's not just flipping a switch, especially with ingrained patterns.

So what is it then?

Think about it like this.

Your brain loves patterns.

It's efficient.

If you've reacted with anger to feeling slighted, maybe hundreds of times, you've carved a deep pathway in your brain.

Like a habit.

Exactly.

A neural habit.

So the trigger happens, feeling slighted, and boom, the brain goes down that familiar anger path almost instantly, often before you're consciously aware.

So the work isn't about magically stopping the feeling.

It's about learning to interrupt that automatic process.

Creating a pause, even a tiny one.

A pause between the trigger and the reaction?

Yes.

Enough space to notice the automatic thought, question it, and then consciously choose a different interpretation, a different path.

It's like retraining a muscle.

It takes practice, consistent effort, retraining a.

Muscle or re sculpting those neural pathways.

I like that it implies work, but also that it's possible.

Because, yeah, realizing your thoughts are the source of it can feel daunting.

Those internal stories can be so stubborn.

Right?

Blame feels easier sometimes.

It often does feel easier in the short term.

But the long term cost is huge.

And change absolutely is possible.

We see it constantly.

You work with people on this directly?

We do this.

Understanding that anger starts within its fundamental.

We help people identify those default narratives, those automatic thoughts, bring them out, look at them, and then step by step, help them practice replacing them with thoughts that are more helpful, more realistic, more empowering.

The change, it can be incredible.

Can I share a couple of quick examples?

Please do.

I think hearing real stories helps people see it's not just theory.

Okay, so there's Elisa.

She felt constantly frustrated, especially with her family.

She'd always thought, you know, my kids behavior makes me angry, or my husband forgetting things makes me angry.

Sounds familiar.

For many parents and partners, totally.

But through working on spotting her thoughts about those things, she had this huge aha moment.

She actually said, I've come to realize there are things I can't change.

But she said, I can change the way I think, the way I act and the way I respond.

Wow.

That's a shift from feeling like a victim.

Exactly.

From powerlessness to choice to agency.

It wasn't about them changing, it was about her changing her internal frame.

Huge for her.

Okay, that's powerful.

Another one?

Yeah.

Richard.

He struggled a lot at work.

Felt disrespected.

Frustrated by delays.

Yeah, yeah, he told us.

I used to believe if a situation made me angry, that was it.

Nothing I could do.

But learning about the thought emotion link, he started pausing, questioning his assumptions.

Are they really disrespecting me?

Or is something else going on?

Looking through other explanations?

Exactly.

And he said changing those thought patterns didn't just change how he reacted, it changed the outcomes.

Less tension, better relationships.

It unlocked years of stress for him.

That's amazing.

And I imagine there are countless variations on this theme.

Like simmering resentment maybe?

Oh, absolutely.

We had another client, Maria.

She rarely exploded, but carried this deep resentment about perceived slights, always feeling overlooked.

Her breakthrough was realizing the anger wasn't truly about others actions.

It was tied to her own deep unspoken belief that she deserved constant recognition when that wasn't met.

Anger.

An internal demand.

Right.

And when she started challenging that demand, softening it, the resentment just started to dissolve.

Replaced by something calmer, more realistic.

These aren't unique cases.

It's a principle that works.

You can really hear the difference it makes.

It's not about forcing calm, is it?

Or pretending things don't bother you.

Not at all.

It's about seeing your part in creating the feeling through your thoughts.

And then choosing to rewrite that internal story gently, consistently.

That's where the real change happens.

That's exactly it.

Sustainable change.

Okay, so let's make this super practical for everyone listening right now.

What's one thing, one tangible step you can take the very next time you feel that anger starting to bubble up.

Because knowing is great, but doing is where it matters.

Absolutely.

Okay.

The key is creating a conscious pause.

Just a beat.

Next time you feel that heat rising before you react.

Deep breath.

Slow it down.

Okay, breathe.

Then what?

Then get curious.

Ask yourself, what am I thinking right now?

What's the story I'm telling myself about this?

Actively identify the thought.

Yes.

And if you catch one of those common culprits, they always do this.

This is so unfair.

They're doing this to me.

Pause again and challenge it gently.

Challenge?

Yeah.

How?

Ask.

Is this thought actually helping me right now or is it hurting?

Often just that question can loosen its grip.

Then try this actively.

Look for one alternative perspective.

Just one.

If your thought is that driver's an idiot, ask.

What's one other possibility?

Emergency.

Didn't see me.

Bad day.

Not making excuses, but broadening the view.

Exactly.

It's about Breaking the rigidity of that angry thought, showing yourself it's not the only way to see it, maybe not even the true way.

What about shifting focus?

That's another great one.

Instead of why are they doing this to me?

Try asking what might be going on under them?

Or even what's the actual objective impact here, separate from my emotional storm about it.

Creating distance.

Yes, mental distance.

Enough space to choose a more constructive thought, a more helpful response.

Easier.

Even shifting to a thought that feels just slightly more neutral can make a huge difference.

It sounds simple, but like we said, it's a skill.

It takes practice.

It absolutely does.

It's not about never feeling anger again.

Anger is normal.

It's about changing your relationship with it.

And every time you practice that pause, challenge that thought, you're building that space.

You're building that crucial space between the event and your response.

That's where your freedom lives.

Your power, your control.

It's a muscle.

And every conscious effort makes it stronger.

Wow.

This has been such a powerful deep dive, really getting to the root.

Anger starts within how our perception, our story, shapes the feeling, not just the event itself.

And knowing that by understanding, by challenging those thoughts, we can actually reclaim control, transform how we react.

It's incredibly empowering when you grasp it.

So we really hope you carry this insight with you into your day, your week, your interactions, see how it starts to shift things, maybe foster a bit more calm, less friction, stronger connections.

And look, if you want some help with this, if you feel like, okay, I get it, but I need more tools, more support.

Yes, we really encourage you to visit angersecrets.com there's actually a free training there on how to control your anger, master your emotions.

Really practical stuff.

Angersecrets.com free training.

That's great.

Yeah.

And you can even book a complimentary 30 minute anger assessment call, talk one on one about your specific situation, see how these ideas apply directly to you.

We genuinely love to help you explore this further.

That's fantastic.

So, angersecrets.com remember, you might not always be able to control other people, what they say, what they do.

You can't control the traffic, right?

Right.

You can't control the circumstances sometimes, but you absolutely can control yourself.

Your tone, your choices, how you decide to respond, and that that's where your real power truly lives.

Thanks so much for tuning in to today's episode of the anger management podcast.

I hope you found this deep dive into the real reason you get angry, both eye opening and thought provoking.

Now, I know it's not easy to look at your own anger.

Most of us would rather keep pointing the finger at other people.

Our partner, our kids, our boss, the driver who cut us off.

But the fact that you're here tells me something important.

You're willing to take responsibility and dig a little deeper.

And that willingness is exactly where real change begins.

Now, before we wrap up, let's take a moment to revisit some of the most important ideas Jake and Sarah shared.

Firstly, anger doesn't come from other people.

It starts inside you.

It may feel like other people made you angry, but the truth is, your thoughts about what happened are what spark your anger.

That little voice in your head saying, this isn't fair, they don't care, or this shouldn't be happening.

Those interpretations fuel the fire.

The good news?

If your thoughts create anger, they can also be reshaped to create calmer, more constructive responses.

Secondly, as Jake and Sarah said, the same event can feel completely different depending on your story.

Remember the traffic example?

A stranger cuts you off and you explode.

But if it's your best friend, the story shifts and the anger dissolves.

The event is the same, but the meaning you attach to it changes everything.

This matters because it shows you are not at the mercy of circumstances.

Your perspective has power.

Thirdly, anger reactions can be rewired.

If you've reacted in anger a hundred times to the same kind of trigger, your brain has carved a groove, a habit.

That's why it feels automatic.

But habits can be interrupted.

Every time you pause, notice the thought and gently question it.

You're retraining your brain.

Think of it like strengthening a new muscle.

Hard at first, but easier with practice.

Finally, real freedom comes from creating space.

That tiny pause between the trigger and your response is where all your power lives.

In that space, you can choose a calmer thought, shift your perspective, or simply take a breath.

That pause is the difference between lashing out and building understanding.

And the more you practice it, the more freedom and peace you'll experience in your relationships and within yourself.

So here's my encouragement.

Real change happens when you take even one of these ideas and put it into practice in your daily life.

Maybe today it's catching one thought, maybe tomorrow it's pausing once before you react.

Small steps create big change over time.

Okay, I hope you found this episode helpful.

If you did, I'd appreciate it if you took a moment to follow this podcast on your favourite podcast app.

And if possible, leave a quick rating and review.

This helps other people find this show and start their own journey to a calmer happier and healthier life.

Remember too, for free support to control your anger, including access to a free training or a free 30 minute anger assessment, call with me, visit my website, angasecrets.com or if you would like to begin your anger management journey right now, visit angersecrets.comcourse to enrol in my powerful online course, the Complete Anger Management System, I'd be honoured to help you on your anger management journey.

And finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.

I'll see you in the next episode.

Take care.

The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy, or any other professional health service.

No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.

If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.