Meta agreed to pay about $17 billion in a child-safety settlement and is signing on to new teen rules for Facebook and Instagram — think two-hour-a-day limits, midnight-to-6am shutoffs, fewer school-hour notifications, stronger age checks, hidden like counts, and more parental controls. Axios even dubbed it social media’s “big tobacco” moment, which honestly sounds way more dramatic than my mornings. I say: will this magically make Insta safe? Nah — algorithms, beauty filters, and kids finding Wi‑Fi passwords exist for a reason. Still, it’s a real shift that could actually help, and who knows — maybe a brand-new app will pop up to steal all the loopholes. Oh, and I riffed a bit on “Marlborogram” — social media with a surgeon general’s warning — because I can’t not make fun of things.
Takeaways:
We riff on Meta agreeing to pay about $17 billion in a nationwide child-safety settlement.
I break down the new teen rules: two-hour limits, midnight-to-6am blocks, fewer school notifications, hidden like counts, and tougher age checks.
I joke it's like your '90s parent yelling 'get off the phone,' but algorithms make it way stickier.
Axios calls it social media's 'big tobacco moment,' and I riff on addiction with a dumb 'Marlborogram' spoof.
I'm hopeful the rules are a real shift that helps, but we warn kids will find loopholes lightning-fast.
Transcripts
Speaker A:
Good morning.
Speaker A:
Haystack with you.
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And Meta, the parent company to Facebook and Instagram has agreed to pay a pretty massive child safety settlement with various states throughout America.
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Axios is calling it social media's big tobacco moment.
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That's a pretty big claim.
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I mean, for years though, parents have been saying this stuff is hurting our children.
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Social media companies have been saying, have you tried another settings menu?
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We don't know.
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Of course you know.
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And now Meta set to pay about $17 billion.
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They're also agreeing to new rules for teenagers on Facebook and Instagram.
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We're talking about two hour a day limits, restrictions from midnight to 6am fewer notifications during school hours, stronger age checks hidden like counts so that they don't like farm, more parental tools.
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Basically, Instagram's kind of getting the rules that parents gave you in the, in the early 90s.
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Get off the phone, it's late, you have school tomorrow and I don't like who you're talking to.
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The difference is now that you know the phone has an algorithm and a beauty filter and all this other crap now this, this settlement doesn't magically make social media safe.
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These changes don't.
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I mean, we know that kids will find loopholes faster than adults.
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Find the WiFi password.
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It's, it's, it's still a major shift though.
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It's still going to help.
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Hopefully it's still a shift big enough that who knows, there could be a brand new social media site pop up.
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Social media is addictive.
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But if you don't care, fire up the most addictive social media app yet.
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Marlborogram.
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Social media is having a big tobacco moment.
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And Marlborogram has that big tobacco flavor.
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Inhale the content and let the endorphins go straight to your brain like a rush of nicotine.
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You'll crave Marbogram with your morning coffee, after a good meal and even after sex.
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It's the only social media site that already comes with a surgeon general's warning.
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Best of all, like other social media sites, Marbogram has filters.
