In this Q&A episode, we follow up on our deep dive into Polyvagal Theory to answer your real-life questions about nervous system regulation.

We tackle the fear that self-compassion is just "making excuses," practical tips for regulating your anxiety in public, and the terrifying (but necessary) shift away from restriction to stop the binge cycle.

Important Points Covered

1. Can You Be in Two States at Once? Yes. We discuss "mixed states" (like feeling "wired but tired") where you might experience anxiety and numbness simultaneously. The solution isn't a perfect label, but asking: "Do I need to discharge energy or do I need comfort right now?"
2. The Fear of Losing "The Stick" (Shame) We address the common fear that without shame and strict rules, you'll eat everything in sight. We explain why shame is actually a danger signal that keeps the binge cycle going, and why safety is the only environment where true self-control can exist.
3. When the Tools "Don't Work" If you used a somatic tool (like shaking) and still binged, you didn't fail. We reframe this as a win because you created a pause and awareness. Nervous system retraining is about repetition, not immediate perfection.
4. Stealth Regulation for Public Spaces You can't shake your body in a meeting. We offer "Stealth Tools" for social situations, including the "Grounding Press" (feet on floor), the physiological sigh, and using cold water on your wrists to reset the vagus nerve discreetly.
5. Safety vs. Weight Loss We tackle the hard truth: You cannot heal a body you are threatening with restriction. We discuss why prioritizing nervous system safety (stopping the famine signal) is actually the fastest path to stabilizing your weight and ending the binge urge.

It is normal to feel scared when you put down the weapon of shame. But remember, you are trading the illusion of control for actual freedom. If you try one of the "Stealth Tools" this week, I'd love to hear how it went! Hit reply to my newsletter or tag me in your stories.

Key Takeaway Shame is not a strategy; it is a safety threat. True change only happens when your nervous system feels safe enough to let go of the old patterns.

Q&A14 Your Nervous System Questions Answered (Polyvagal Theory)

Hey everyone, welcome to Q&A Thursday!

Monday's episode about the Polyvagal Theory and the biology of binge eating really touched a lot of listeners. I received messages from people saying things like, "I finally feel like I can breathe again," or "I've been blaming myself for 20 years, and this is the first time I realized I wasn't just 'weak'."

That is exactly why I do this work. When you understand the biology behind your behavior, the shame starts to dissolve. And when the shame dissolves, real change can finally happen.

Today I'm answering questions about how to actually apply this nervous system work in real life. You asked about everything from "fear of letting go" to "how to do this in public," and, as always, your honesty is touching.

Here we go!

Question 1

"I feel like I'm in the Red State (anxious) and the Blue State (numb) at the same time. Is that possible? Or do I flip back and forth really fast?"

Yeah, I love this question because it shows you are really tuning in. The answer is yes, absolutely.

In Polyvagal Theory, we often talk about these states like they are separate boxes, but biology is messy. You can experience a "mixed state." A common one is feeling "wired but tired"—where your body feels heavy and exhausted (Blue), but your mind is racing with anxiety (Red).

You might find yourself mindlessly eating soft comfort food (seeking the Blue state safety) while your brain is screaming at you about calories (Red state anxiety).

Here is how to handle it: Don't get hung up on labeling it perfectly. Just ask: "What does my body need right now?"

Does it need to discharge energy? (Shake, move, walk).

Does it need to be held? (Blanket, warmth, silence).

You don't need a perfect diagnosis to offer yourself safety. Start with one small soothing action and see if your system responds.

Question 2

"This makes sense, but I'm scared. If I tell myself 'it's just biology,' won't I just stop trying? I feel like if I let go of the shame and the strict rules, I'll just eat everything in sight forever."

This is the number one fear I hear, and I want to validate it completely.

For years, you've used shame as your primary motivator. You believe that being hard on yourself is the only thing keeping you from going off the rails. So, when I say "be gentle," your brain hears "give up."

But here is the truth: Shame is a danger signal.

Remember Monday's episode? Shame triggers the Red State or the Blue State. So, using shame to stop bingeing is like trying to put out a fire with gasoline. It keeps the cycle going.

Giving up shame isn't "letting yourself off the hook." It's putting down the weapon.

When you stop fighting your body, you aren't "giving up." You are creating the safety required for your prefrontal cortex (your rational brain) to come back online. You can't make good decisions when you are being chased by a tiger, even if that tiger is your own inner critic.

Question 3

"I tried the somatic tools you mentioned (shaking my hands) when I wanted to binge, but I still ate the cookies anyway. Does this mean it doesn't work for me?"

First of all, thank you for trying it! And second: It worked perfectly.

I know that sounds crazy because you still ate the cookies. But look at it like this: Nervous system work is a practice, not a magic pill. You are retraining a biological pathway that has been reinforced for years.

If you shook your hands for 30 seconds before eating, you created a pause. You interrupted the autopilot. Even if you still ate, you probably ate with 5% more awareness than you would have otherwise.

That is a win.

Don't judge the tool by whether it stopped the binge completely today. Judge it by whether it helped you feel even a tiny bit more present.

Next time, try the tool again. Maybe the binge will be smaller. Maybe you'll stop halfway through. Repetition creates the new pathway.

Question 4

"How am I supposed to use these 'somatic tools' in public? I can't exactly start shaking my body or humming during a work meeting or a family dinner."

This is such a practical question! Yes, please don't start aggressively shaking your hands in the middle of a board meeting, unless you want to start a very different conversation!

You need "Stealth Tools." These are ways to regulate your nervous system that no one else can see.

The Grounding Press: Press your feet firmly into the floor. Feel the support of the ground. Squeeze your thigh muscles tight for 5 seconds, then release.

The Physiological Sigh: Take two short inhales through your nose, and one long, slow exhale through your mouth (or nose, if you need to be quiet). The long exhale tells your heart rate to slow down.

Cold Water: If you're at a dinner party, excuse yourself to the restroom and run cold water over your wrists. It stimulates the vagus nerve immediately.

You can create safety anywhere, without anyone knowing you're doing it. Awesome, right?

Question 5

"If I stop restricting to fix the 'famine signal,' won't I gain weight? I want to heal my nervous system, but I also want to lose weight."

I want to hold space for this fear because it is so real. We’re told that restriction is the only way to manage weight.

But look at the evidence of your own life: Has the restriction/binge cycle resulted in long-term weight loss? Usually, the answer is no. It results in weight cycling, which is stressful for your body and your mind.

Here is the uncomfortable truth: You cannot heal a body you are actively threatening.

As long as you are sending danger signals (restriction), your body will fight to hold onto energy (fat) and demand high-calorie foods (binges).

By prioritizing safety first, eating enough to convince your body there is no famine, you stop the binges. When the binges stop, your weight stabilizes. And from a place of safety and stability, then you can make gentle, sustainable changes.

But you have to choose: Do you want the illusion of control (dieting), or do you want actual freedom (safety)?

Closing

These questions were so thoughtful. I can tell you are really grappling with what this shift means for your life.

Remember: This is a practice. You are learning a new language, the language of your own body. Be patient with the accent. You’ll get fluent eventually.

This confusion is temporary, but the safety you're building is permanent.

Keep sending me your questions. I'll see you next week!