In today’s episode I will ask you questions about your friendship- behaviour Covid times were / are scary for many We feel lonely / more disconnected Can we use this time to reflect about our relationships ? You can’t chance others especially if you feel they vanished away or are more distance , what you can do is reflect about how you show up in relationships and what you might be doing unconsciously to push people away and here the author of the wonderful book I mentioned : Gary Chapman- 5 love languages Enjoy ❤️Love Aurora
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@auroraeggertcoaching
Hello, hello, this is the Borealis experience. I'm
Unknown:your host of Aurora, and I hope you're doing well. I just had a
Unknown:huge glass of water. So if you notice that you haven't been
Unknown:drinking enough water today, pause me and just have a little
Unknown:bit of water and up.
Unknown:All right, this is Episode Seven teen. Yesterday, I've talked
Unknown:about what you can expect when he chooses to grow.
Unknown:Namely, that it's not always going to be easy. You might go
Unknown:through really rocky
Unknown:phases, chaotic phases. And also growth doesn't mean that you
Unknown:will never ever encounter difficult situations anymore or
Unknown:feel strong emotions.
Unknown:And yesterday was also about keeping
Unknown:the big picture in mind going into birds perspective, and
Unknown:observing your behavior, and how it might affect your
Unknown:relationships. And that when we are trying to force something
Unknown:when we're too
Unknown:focused on something and blend, you know, you don't say blend in
Unknown:English. But when you
Unknown:forget everything around you,
Unknown:then you can get in a very
Unknown:uncomfortable,
Unknown:you can send out a very uncomfortable vibe to your
Unknown:surroundings and shut people out. And that's really harmful
Unknown:for you. So today, I want to talk about
Unknown:friendship. So we cover the relationship part of our well
Unknown:being. And if you look at your friendships, if you look at what
Unknown:happened over the last couple months,
Unknown:can you say that you are a good friend.
Unknown:The reason I want to post this
Unknown:episode today is because I feel during COVID We had to isolate
Unknown:we had to push people away if we were abiding to the rules. Or if
Unknown:we were not conforming, then people pushed us away. And maybe
Unknown:there were times where you ask yourself Is this a real friend
Unknown:can really count on the people that I trusted for so long? Or
Unknown:is it all falling apart now.
Unknown:And
Unknown:in those times where we feel lonely, uncertain,
Unknown:isolated,
Unknown:I feel it's most important to ask yourself how you are showing
Unknown:up. Because we can change others we can maybe influence them a
Unknown:little bit. But we can make them want to be our friend. We can't
Unknown:make them
Unknown:be there all the time. What you have to realize is that you can
Unknown:take charge of how you show up in the world, the energy you put
Unknown:out into that universe and take charge of that and in doing so,
Unknown:changing your relationships. So this is why this episode today
Unknown:is very dear to me because COVID was very disruptive, challenged
Unknown:us on many, many levels. And I feel on personal levels
Unknown:especially.
Unknown:So when you look at Friendship, What is friendship. For me
Unknown:friendship is the base of everything. When you look at
Unknown:your parents. Now you are in your 20s your 30s you still see
Unknown:them as your parents and you may be taking advice from them. But
Unknown:you can also see them as a friend. Look at your aunt, an
Unknown:uncle, your grandma, your grandpa. If you don't have
Unknown:family around you then look at the grocery clerk or the postman
Unknown:or
Unknown:people that you turned into your family.
Unknown:Friendship for me is the least
Unknown:most dramatic connection you can have as a human being, of
Unknown:course, you can have drama and fights and nasty times with your
Unknown:friends. But there's not that
Unknown:there's not these ultra high expectations involved.
Unknown:When you think about friendships, there's no future
Unknown:wedding, there's no parents who want to force you into
Unknown:something.
Unknown:There's no so so society, not suicidal expectations.
Unknown:So friendship is supposed to be a very light and strong bond at
Unknown:the same time.
Unknown:With a friend, you share secrets, and deep shame or
Unknown:insecurities,
Unknown:they usually open up a new world to you, because yeah, you might
Unknown:have similar hobbies or something, but they might have
Unknown:different views, different tastes, where you can just open
Unknown:up to and explore new views
Unknown:of the world.
Unknown:Your friend can excite you about new things, or just their energy
Unknown:is awesome to be around. They are supportive in tough times,
Unknown:but also can cheer for you, when you are successful, and really
Unknown:happy and content. And
Unknown:you bond with a friend on many, many levels. And you can have
Unknown:discussions and arguments with them and know that you can trust
Unknown:them,
Unknown:that they have your back,
Unknown:that they will listen to you and you will listen to them. A
Unknown:friend can also be protective.
Unknown:I remember I have girlfriends in Germany, and physically, they're
Unknown:way smaller and petite than me. And every time we went out
Unknown:for dancing, and a guy was hitting on them, and I could see
Unknown:that they didn't want to be hit on and I just invented some
Unknown:story to save them out of an uncomfortable situation. So
Unknown:another very important part of friendship is boundaries. They
Unknown:respect your boundaries, they support your dreams. And they
Unknown:want you to be independent. There's
Unknown:excitement about doing things together and spending time
Unknown:together. But there's also emphasis on independence, and
Unknown:you growing them growing at the same time.
Unknown:So let's go deeper. Think about your best friends, your the
Unknown:people you spend most time with?
Unknown:Do you truly listen to them? Or do you wait your turn when it
Unknown:comes to conversations, listening is such a precious
Unknown:skill to have.
Unknown:Because you can learn a lot intellectually, you learn a lot
Unknown:about another person, which builds trust and out of people
Unknown:who come to me
Unknown:a lot of friends who have been single and unhappy.
Unknown:And now in happy relationships.
Unknown:I was able to observe from the outset that they over time
Unknown:learned to listen. Because trust can be built when you listen.
Unknown:And if you can trust a person. When you listen to them, then
Unknown:you should just move on foot when you truly listen read their
Unknown:body language
Unknown:without adding what you want them to be,
Unknown:then you can get very, very precious information
Unknown:about them to build trust.
Unknown:So when do we start distorting reality and turn a friend into?
Unknown:Yeah, a source of love and attention for our needs, rather
Unknown:than seeing them for who they really are?
Unknown:I can't really answer that question but I find it very
Unknown:Very important to ask, what purpose
Unknown:do you expect your friend to fulfill in your life? Why do you
Unknown:have that person in your life? And have you noticed maybe that
Unknown:there's parts in them that scare you that you don't like about
Unknown:them, that challenge you on some level that you don't want to see
Unknown:about them. So you try to,
Unknown:yeah, put an emphasis on something else, I will come up
Unknown:with an example just now.
Unknown:So let's say your friend is extroverted and loves to go out.
Unknown:And this is, of course, post COVID times or pre COVID times
Unknown:better to say,
Unknown:and is kind of a social butterfly and joys.
Unknown:Feeling new energies and exploring and being adventurous,
Unknown:and you are more of an introvert and insecure and don't really
Unknown:like to go out, you like to be at home. But you're really
Unknown:inspired and attracted to that outgoing side of your friend.
Unknown:Now, of course, over time, maybe
Unknown:you will feel uncomfortable doing those things with your
Unknown:friend, good luck going out. And you will try to
Unknown:I don't want to say, put them in a small box, but drag them into
Unknown:your world into your
Unknown:little cave there that you built yourself to feel secure. Now,
Unknown:from an outsider, it's really easy to see that this person is
Unknown:going to either break out and
Unknown:escape, find space, or they will
Unknown:come into your little cave, but start losing their shine and
Unknown:doing so also losing your interest and respect a little
Unknown:bit. So that is one small example I want to put out here
Unknown:is that if you notice that your friend is better at something
Unknown:with you, can you be happy for that person and also see it as a
Unknown:way to grow? Or are you trying to manipulate yourself and that
Unknown:other person around your pain in order to not feel challenged.
Unknown:And in doing so limiting yourself of growth? How open can
Unknown:you be when your friend is exposing you to something new.
Unknown:And then love languages, there's a beautiful book that I highly
Unknown:recommend, I will also put it into the show notes with the
Unknown:author, because I forgot the author's name. It's called Five
Unknown:loud love languages. And in this book, he explored on which
Unknown:levels people rarely receive love. So there's physical touch,
Unknown:there's words of affirmation, this gifts, there's acts of
Unknown:kindness or service. And the fifth one, I forgot.
Unknown:I will put them into the show notes. And it's not really
Unknown:relevant right now. But one example I want to give you here
Unknown:is for instance, if your friend
Unknown:is into quality time, so they love spending time with you as
Unknown:much as they can.
Unknown:But you're more of an independent person and for you
Unknown:buying someone a gift crafting someone a gift is the ultimate
Unknown:language of love. So you keep throwing those gifts at them,
Unknown:and they receive them and are grateful. But don't feely don't
Unknown:really feel understood.
Unknown:It is really hard to put into words but maybe if I put that
Unknown:image out for you, then you can maybe notice
Unknown:that you have been in a situation similar situation
Unknown:before.
Unknown:There's other things like in romantic relationships for
Unknown:instance, it's easier to see when someone is very into
Unknown:physical touch and needs kissing and hugging and everything
Unknown:that involves coziness, physical coziness, on
Unknown:On a daily basis,
Unknown:the other person receives love
Unknown:through gifts. And they're not much into physical touch, they'd
Unknown:rather receive gifts from you, but have their freedom and
Unknown:space.
Unknown:They love you just as much as you love them. But they receive
Unknown:love on a different frequency, if you want to see it that way,
Unknown:like, we're all little radio stations. And if you want to
Unknown:connect with someone deeply, then you have to listen to that
Unknown:person and tune into that frequency. And the art is
Unknown:without losing yourself at the same time.
Unknown:I will go deeper into that at later stages.
Unknown:Of course, you want to be seen as who you are, and you don't
Unknown:want to
Unknown:totally give yourself up. Right, you want the other person to see
Unknown:you as who you are, and be treated. But you might miss out
Unknown:on very magical insights, if you just make it about you, and how
Unknown:you think that other person receives love.
Unknown:Then, when it comes to being a good friend, and good person out
Unknown:there in society,
Unknown:are you conscious of what energy you bring into your
Unknown:relationships.
Unknown:So there's people who, for instance, stay
Unknown:on the news 24/7,
Unknown:update it updated, I meant and soak everything in are very
Unknown:active on social media, soak all the news in. And whenever you
Unknown:meet that person, they unload everything on you, be it good or
Unknown:bad. You totally receive all that energy that they soaked up
Unknown:for so long. And maybe that's not what you want to receive in
Unknown:that moment. So
Unknown:maybe you can be conscious of the next couple of times you
Unknown:meet up or talk to a friend or a relative or an acquaintance. And
Unknown:see,
Unknown:what kind of energy are you bringing to the table? Are you
Unknown:complaining? Are you sad about some something that happened in
Unknown:the world that you can change any way?
Unknown:Are you upset? Are you powerless, and just notice how
Unknown:the other person is receiving that energy.
Unknown:And then make changes in the future. So if you notice now Oh,
Unknown:shit, like I've been complaining about my relationship for the
Unknown:last three months. And I can really see and read now in my
Unknown:friend's body language, that she's overwhelmed and listening
Unknown:to all of that. And she even gave up giving me advice because
Unknown:she doesn't know how to help me? Or
Unknown:do you keep sharing stuff that they're not really interested
Unknown:anymore? Or have never been? So it is just about noticing? What
Unknown:do you put out there? And how do people react to that? It's
Unknown:really interesting to see. And
Unknown:then at the same time, do you overshare? Or are you a very
Unknown:secretive person? Do you make other people talk? And are you
Unknown:more of a Yeah, introvert when it comes to information to you.
Unknown:And that's also a very hard thing because how can people
Unknown:learn and trust you? If you don't open up about vulnerable
Unknown:stuff if you don't share with them? What scares you and what
Unknown:what excites you if you only there for the other person to
Unknown:soak up their energy but you don't really share yours?
Unknown:Do you have strong opinions that turn people off? A few during
Unknown:COVID now and even previously, there were a lot of people out
Unknown:there on Facebook expressing their opinions and I think it's
Unknown:good. I think it's a beautiful thing to to finally hear people
Unknown:talk but it shouldn't be to a point where
Unknown:it is all or nothing black or white. And that we don't try and
Unknown:understand the other person anymore. That's when we
Unknown:Turn people like really off and don't want to listen to them
Unknown:anymore when we feel they're just monologuing away and don't
Unknown:even care about our stance on that.
Unknown:So you might be intimidating your people, or unconsciously
Unknown:push them away and you don't even see it because you feel
Unknown:you're just expressing yourself. But at the same time you make
Unknown:that other person feel really shitty and not heard and seen at
Unknown:all.
Unknown:And then a very important thing, too, is how do you set
Unknown:boundaries? And how do you respect boundaries from others.
Unknown:Time is a very
Unknown:important or interesting thing, when you look at people who meet
Unknown:up with friends and can spend five hours with them. And the
Unknown:other person has friends where they just meet for half an hour
Unknown:coffees, and then they vanish off into their life again, and
Unknown:you don't really know what they're doing. So if you have a
Unknown:friend who, whose attention span is very short, then you can
Unknown:communicate to that to them. And
Unknown:they might tell you Well, yeah, I get overwhelmed. I need more
Unknown:time with myself than with other people. And I have to recharge
Unknown:my batteries. They feel depleted right now. How do you react when
Unknown:a person sets a boundary? And really does it in a loving, warm
Unknown:way? does it trigger you? Does it make you feel scared?
Unknown:And then
Unknown:what about you? How do you set boundaries? Do you have
Unknown:boundaries at all? Are you running around serving other
Unknown:people? And totally neglecting yourself? Do you have boundaries
Unknown:with yourself where you know, now I have to stop giving and
Unknown:have to start
Unknown:putting energy into myself. So boundaries and how we
Unknown:communicate needs are going to be very big topics I want to
Unknown:talk about because I feel the really juicy good relationships
Unknown:are based on respect and genuine curiosity and boundaries and
Unknown:expressing needs falls under respect and how much do we
Unknown:respect the others? How much do we feel respected?
Unknown:Wonderful. Thank you so much for listening today. I'm very
Unknown:excited to be out there tomorrow. Again, I might be
Unknown:posting a meditation later on.
Unknown:Thank you for being here spending time with me. Despite
Unknown:Aurora