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Ep. 17 Are you a good friend? [society, relationship]
Episode 17 • 15th January 2021 • The Borealis Experience • Aurora Eggert
00:00:00 00:23:06

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In today’s episode I will ask you questions about your friendship- behaviour Covid times were / are scary for many We feel lonely / more disconnected Can we use this time to reflect about our relationships ? You can’t chance others especially if you feel they vanished away or are more distance , what you can do is reflect about how you show up in relationships and what you might be doing unconsciously to push people away and here the author of the wonderful book I mentioned : Gary Chapman- 5 love languages Enjoy ❤️Love Aurora

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Transcripts

Unknown:

Hello, hello, this is the Borealis experience. I'm

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your host of Aurora, and I hope you're doing well. I just had a

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huge glass of water. So if you notice that you haven't been

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drinking enough water today, pause me and just have a little

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bit of water and up.

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All right, this is Episode Seven teen. Yesterday, I've talked

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about what you can expect when he chooses to grow.

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Namely, that it's not always going to be easy. You might go

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through really rocky

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phases, chaotic phases. And also growth doesn't mean that you

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will never ever encounter difficult situations anymore or

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feel strong emotions.

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And yesterday was also about keeping

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the big picture in mind going into birds perspective, and

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observing your behavior, and how it might affect your

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relationships. And that when we are trying to force something

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when we're too

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focused on something and blend, you know, you don't say blend in

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English. But when you

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forget everything around you,

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then you can get in a very

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uncomfortable,

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you can send out a very uncomfortable vibe to your

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surroundings and shut people out. And that's really harmful

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for you. So today, I want to talk about

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friendship. So we cover the relationship part of our well

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being. And if you look at your friendships, if you look at what

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happened over the last couple months,

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can you say that you are a good friend.

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The reason I want to post this

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episode today is because I feel during COVID We had to isolate

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we had to push people away if we were abiding to the rules. Or if

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we were not conforming, then people pushed us away. And maybe

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there were times where you ask yourself Is this a real friend

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can really count on the people that I trusted for so long? Or

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is it all falling apart now.

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And

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in those times where we feel lonely, uncertain,

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isolated,

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I feel it's most important to ask yourself how you are showing

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up. Because we can change others we can maybe influence them a

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little bit. But we can make them want to be our friend. We can't

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make them

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be there all the time. What you have to realize is that you can

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take charge of how you show up in the world, the energy you put

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out into that universe and take charge of that and in doing so,

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changing your relationships. So this is why this episode today

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is very dear to me because COVID was very disruptive, challenged

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us on many, many levels. And I feel on personal levels

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especially.

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So when you look at Friendship, What is friendship. For me

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friendship is the base of everything. When you look at

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your parents. Now you are in your 20s your 30s you still see

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them as your parents and you may be taking advice from them. But

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you can also see them as a friend. Look at your aunt, an

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uncle, your grandma, your grandpa. If you don't have

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family around you then look at the grocery clerk or the postman

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or

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people that you turned into your family.

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Friendship for me is the least

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most dramatic connection you can have as a human being, of

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course, you can have drama and fights and nasty times with your

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friends. But there's not that

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there's not these ultra high expectations involved.

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When you think about friendships, there's no future

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wedding, there's no parents who want to force you into

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something.

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There's no so so society, not suicidal expectations.

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So friendship is supposed to be a very light and strong bond at

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the same time.

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With a friend, you share secrets, and deep shame or

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insecurities,

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they usually open up a new world to you, because yeah, you might

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have similar hobbies or something, but they might have

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different views, different tastes, where you can just open

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up to and explore new views

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of the world.

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Your friend can excite you about new things, or just their energy

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is awesome to be around. They are supportive in tough times,

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but also can cheer for you, when you are successful, and really

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happy and content. And

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you bond with a friend on many, many levels. And you can have

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discussions and arguments with them and know that you can trust

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them,

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that they have your back,

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that they will listen to you and you will listen to them. A

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friend can also be protective.

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I remember I have girlfriends in Germany, and physically, they're

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way smaller and petite than me. And every time we went out

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for dancing, and a guy was hitting on them, and I could see

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that they didn't want to be hit on and I just invented some

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story to save them out of an uncomfortable situation. So

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another very important part of friendship is boundaries. They

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respect your boundaries, they support your dreams. And they

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want you to be independent. There's

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excitement about doing things together and spending time

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together. But there's also emphasis on independence, and

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you growing them growing at the same time.

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So let's go deeper. Think about your best friends, your the

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people you spend most time with?

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Do you truly listen to them? Or do you wait your turn when it

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comes to conversations, listening is such a precious

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skill to have.

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Because you can learn a lot intellectually, you learn a lot

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about another person, which builds trust and out of people

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who come to me

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a lot of friends who have been single and unhappy.

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And now in happy relationships.

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I was able to observe from the outset that they over time

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learned to listen. Because trust can be built when you listen.

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And if you can trust a person. When you listen to them, then

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you should just move on foot when you truly listen read their

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body language

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without adding what you want them to be,

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then you can get very, very precious information

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about them to build trust.

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So when do we start distorting reality and turn a friend into?

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Yeah, a source of love and attention for our needs, rather

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than seeing them for who they really are?

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I can't really answer that question but I find it very

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Very important to ask, what purpose

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do you expect your friend to fulfill in your life? Why do you

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have that person in your life? And have you noticed maybe that

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there's parts in them that scare you that you don't like about

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them, that challenge you on some level that you don't want to see

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about them. So you try to,

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yeah, put an emphasis on something else, I will come up

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with an example just now.

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So let's say your friend is extroverted and loves to go out.

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And this is, of course, post COVID times or pre COVID times

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better to say,

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and is kind of a social butterfly and joys.

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Feeling new energies and exploring and being adventurous,

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and you are more of an introvert and insecure and don't really

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like to go out, you like to be at home. But you're really

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inspired and attracted to that outgoing side of your friend.

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Now, of course, over time, maybe

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you will feel uncomfortable doing those things with your

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friend, good luck going out. And you will try to

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I don't want to say, put them in a small box, but drag them into

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your world into your

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little cave there that you built yourself to feel secure. Now,

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from an outsider, it's really easy to see that this person is

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going to either break out and

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escape, find space, or they will

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come into your little cave, but start losing their shine and

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doing so also losing your interest and respect a little

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bit. So that is one small example I want to put out here

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is that if you notice that your friend is better at something

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with you, can you be happy for that person and also see it as a

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way to grow? Or are you trying to manipulate yourself and that

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other person around your pain in order to not feel challenged.

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And in doing so limiting yourself of growth? How open can

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you be when your friend is exposing you to something new.

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And then love languages, there's a beautiful book that I highly

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recommend, I will also put it into the show notes with the

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author, because I forgot the author's name. It's called Five

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loud love languages. And in this book, he explored on which

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levels people rarely receive love. So there's physical touch,

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there's words of affirmation, this gifts, there's acts of

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kindness or service. And the fifth one, I forgot.

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I will put them into the show notes. And it's not really

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relevant right now. But one example I want to give you here

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is for instance, if your friend

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is into quality time, so they love spending time with you as

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much as they can.

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But you're more of an independent person and for you

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buying someone a gift crafting someone a gift is the ultimate

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language of love. So you keep throwing those gifts at them,

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and they receive them and are grateful. But don't feely don't

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really feel understood.

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It is really hard to put into words but maybe if I put that

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image out for you, then you can maybe notice

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that you have been in a situation similar situation

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before.

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There's other things like in romantic relationships for

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instance, it's easier to see when someone is very into

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physical touch and needs kissing and hugging and everything

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that involves coziness, physical coziness, on

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On a daily basis,

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the other person receives love

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through gifts. And they're not much into physical touch, they'd

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rather receive gifts from you, but have their freedom and

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space.

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They love you just as much as you love them. But they receive

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love on a different frequency, if you want to see it that way,

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like, we're all little radio stations. And if you want to

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connect with someone deeply, then you have to listen to that

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person and tune into that frequency. And the art is

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without losing yourself at the same time.

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I will go deeper into that at later stages.

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Of course, you want to be seen as who you are, and you don't

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want to

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totally give yourself up. Right, you want the other person to see

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you as who you are, and be treated. But you might miss out

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on very magical insights, if you just make it about you, and how

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you think that other person receives love.

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Then, when it comes to being a good friend, and good person out

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there in society,

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are you conscious of what energy you bring into your

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relationships.

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So there's people who, for instance, stay

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on the news 24/7,

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update it updated, I meant and soak everything in are very

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active on social media, soak all the news in. And whenever you

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meet that person, they unload everything on you, be it good or

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bad. You totally receive all that energy that they soaked up

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for so long. And maybe that's not what you want to receive in

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that moment. So

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maybe you can be conscious of the next couple of times you

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meet up or talk to a friend or a relative or an acquaintance. And

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see,

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what kind of energy are you bringing to the table? Are you

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complaining? Are you sad about some something that happened in

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the world that you can change any way?

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Are you upset? Are you powerless, and just notice how

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the other person is receiving that energy.

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And then make changes in the future. So if you notice now Oh,

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shit, like I've been complaining about my relationship for the

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last three months. And I can really see and read now in my

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friend's body language, that she's overwhelmed and listening

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to all of that. And she even gave up giving me advice because

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she doesn't know how to help me? Or

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do you keep sharing stuff that they're not really interested

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anymore? Or have never been? So it is just about noticing? What

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do you put out there? And how do people react to that? It's

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really interesting to see. And

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then at the same time, do you overshare? Or are you a very

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secretive person? Do you make other people talk? And are you

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more of a Yeah, introvert when it comes to information to you.

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And that's also a very hard thing because how can people

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learn and trust you? If you don't open up about vulnerable

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stuff if you don't share with them? What scares you and what

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what excites you if you only there for the other person to

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soak up their energy but you don't really share yours?

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Do you have strong opinions that turn people off? A few during

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COVID now and even previously, there were a lot of people out

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there on Facebook expressing their opinions and I think it's

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good. I think it's a beautiful thing to to finally hear people

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talk but it shouldn't be to a point where

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it is all or nothing black or white. And that we don't try and

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understand the other person anymore. That's when we

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Turn people like really off and don't want to listen to them

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anymore when we feel they're just monologuing away and don't

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even care about our stance on that.

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So you might be intimidating your people, or unconsciously

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push them away and you don't even see it because you feel

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you're just expressing yourself. But at the same time you make

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that other person feel really shitty and not heard and seen at

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all.

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And then a very important thing, too, is how do you set

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boundaries? And how do you respect boundaries from others.

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Time is a very

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important or interesting thing, when you look at people who meet

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up with friends and can spend five hours with them. And the

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other person has friends where they just meet for half an hour

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coffees, and then they vanish off into their life again, and

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you don't really know what they're doing. So if you have a

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friend who, whose attention span is very short, then you can

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communicate to that to them. And

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they might tell you Well, yeah, I get overwhelmed. I need more

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time with myself than with other people. And I have to recharge

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my batteries. They feel depleted right now. How do you react when

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a person sets a boundary? And really does it in a loving, warm

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way? does it trigger you? Does it make you feel scared?

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And then

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what about you? How do you set boundaries? Do you have

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boundaries at all? Are you running around serving other

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people? And totally neglecting yourself? Do you have boundaries

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with yourself where you know, now I have to stop giving and

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have to start

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putting energy into myself. So boundaries and how we

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communicate needs are going to be very big topics I want to

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talk about because I feel the really juicy good relationships

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are based on respect and genuine curiosity and boundaries and

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expressing needs falls under respect and how much do we

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respect the others? How much do we feel respected?

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Wonderful. Thank you so much for listening today. I'm very

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excited to be out there tomorrow. Again, I might be

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posting a meditation later on.

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Thank you for being here spending time with me. Despite

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Aurora

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