Welcome to the very first episode of the My Friend Had a Baby Podcast! A show all about parenting, babies and birth with your two dad hosts Scott and Alex, with guests who actually know what they're talking about!

In this episode, we're kicking things off with an exploration of the first trimester, cravings we've had (well, our wives) aversions, anxiety scans, spotting scares, fertility journeys, why the human body is a horror show and new baby making processes. Turkey baster, anyone?

Scott's got his first on the way, with Alex's third due soon. Discover new things about pregnancy and parenting, at the same time they do!

There’s also:

• “Word of the Week: ***** Plug”
• Scott’s seafood vendetta
• Alex’s tea conspiracy
• How many kids is too many kids
• And a new segment: How to Dad

Funny, honest, and occasionally horrifying — it’s parenting from the dad side (and the dad-to-be side).

Be sure to subscribe and share.

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Alex has two kids. Scott would like some.

Together, they’re figuring out parenting one questionable decision at a time.

My Friend Had a Baby is the podcast where two mates explore what it really takes to make and raise tiny humans, from a dad’s point of view. With a mix of personal stories, real-time learning, and expert guests who actually know what they're talking about, you’ll get honest insights into pregnancy, birth, and parenting… without taking any of it too seriously.

Funny, thoughtful, and surprisingly informative, this show is for dads, mums, parents-to-be, or anyone who’s ever met a baby and wondered, “How do people do this?”

Nothing in this podcast should be considered personal or professional advice.

Welcome to the My Friend Had a Baby podcast with Scott and Alex.

This episode contains rude words.

My friend had a baby now he don't sleep no more Waves crash in.

His eyes Tides on the nursery floor.

Oh, my friend had a baby.

Welcome to the My Friend Had a Baby podcast or about parenting, babies and birth.

Hosted by 2 Dads, this show will give you the insights into what it takes to raise kids from dad's point of view with guests who actually know what they're talking about. My name is Alex and I'm joined by Scott. Welcome, Scott.

My name's Scott and I'm about to have baby number one. Unlike my significantly experienced and fertile friend Alex. Not sure if I've yet earned the badge of dad yet dad to be on this end here.

Well, well, you think about it, you think about it. You know, you're, you're part of the, you know, it's, it's a two person thing for most families.

I suppose you generally have to be involved to make it all happen. So I think that's fair to call you a dad at this stage.

Get the title, though, because the dad, I mean, the early part of the dad journey is, you know, it's a 45 second process.

Are you, are you a donor at this stage until the baby is born, is that right?

Well, the 45 second seconds includes the undressing component as well, so.

All right, all right. I see you showing off over there, Mr. Marathon Man. Geez.

Captain Stamina, I think, as opposed to our gentler gender that has to do all of the carrying. I think once the baby's in there, your mum, right from the get go.

Yes.

I think until you actually start doing something as a provider of semen. Yeah. I mean, that title, the title is like, you know, you got to work for it.

I feel.

Yeah, you got to earn it.

That's fair.

I mean, Scott, the journey here being is that I'm about to have my third kid with two already here, and I guess I'm able to share my experience with you of what you can expect with yours that you've got on the way.

I am very much expecting it to be a similar to my afternoon today, which was I ate too many party pies and then had a nap on the couch until it was time to wake up and do this podcast. So I assume that's parenthood.

Yeah, there are party pies involved, especially when you just want to feed the children. Just like, just throw some party pies in the oven. Like, here you go, guys. It's mildly Nutritious. You'll be fine.

I have once, just quick, you know, sidebar on that. I have once bought, and this is a clear demonstration of the level of my insecurity. And this is a very embarrassing guessing. True story.

Once while hungover, I bought so much freezer shit, party pies, sausage rolls and lollies and other random odds and sods. When I looked down at my, my basket, I thought, there's only one way out of this.

I went and bought a fourth birthday card as well so that I didn't get judged at the checkout. I put that on first, like, oh, you got a fourth birthday? Yeah, absolutely. This food's all for me.

That's what I'm doing.

You think I'm some kind of farm animal.

So both of our partners are out of their first trimester, I believe.

Yeah, just well. Well, mine's just turning the corner. So on paper we're a couple of days away from that grand leap into second trimester.

So that's going to be fraught with its own stress and anxiety. I should ams at number one, certainly full of non stop panic and anxiety.

On both of us. So that's very true.

And my partner, she is about 14 weeks, which I think is actually what's really exciting about this is that we're both sharing same, same but different journeys where we've got an idea of what's coming. You've got no idea of what's coming. But at the end we're going to be hitting the finish line at very, very similar times.

Were number one and number two, were they on schedule or were they, were they early arrivals? Late arrivals, you know, to be dragged out. It's warm.

Number one was, I think she was ripped out a couple of weeks early. I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be corrected on so many of these facts.

I know after the episode comes out and I'm gonna be fact checked so many times and I'm coming with amendments for the next episode. So number one was brought out a little bit earlier because there was preeclampsia risk. She was pulled out a little bit early, not out the sunroof.

Number two was also pulled out just like, only like a week or so early because the pregnancy was having something called polyhydramnios, which is excess amniotic fluid. So my wife looked like she had twins.

And I look forward to sharing the, the story at some point of popping the pin on that, if you will, because that was, that was quite the visual visceral.

That's a visceral experience, that one.

What's, what's the first 12 weeks been like for you guys?

It's been really weird. Right. So here's the thing being, being a late comer, no pun intended, to the parenting game.

It's been interesting because we're sort of breaking the news to a lot of people who sort of thought that maybe we weren't having kids.

And so we've had quite, you know, we've been completely blown away by the level of positivity that we've had and all the love and support, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. But it's been very interesting because my wife, Malav, has not had much in the way of symptoms.

So outside of bit of fatigue, a little bit of food aversion, it's sort of like not the Hollywood style pregnancy where she's running to the bathroom every morning, vomiting, which is, I think we were both expecting that, you know, that that was going to be there.

And finally, because you come into the game with this preconception of what it's all going to look like when that doesn't happen, that then leads to, holy shit, something's wrong. Yeah, you know, something, something bad is happening.

So, yeah, we, we've been fortunate enough to be able to go through the private system for us, very fancy. Which means we've been eligible for a couple of extra scans along the way. So that's helped to keep the fears at bay.

But it's been really bizarre, like in the sense that, you know, we've obviously tapered back some components of our lives. You know, like she only stays out drinking until 2am instead of 4am now. No drinking. No, no, no, no.

I, I kind of expected it to look and feel very differently from what it was so far. Been pretty normal, kind of run of the mill, day in, day out stuff.

Well, that's good. You guys been an absolute show.

I can't remember which one of the first two she experienced the classic morning sickness, which is more technically day sickness because it's all day. This one's been nasty. This one's been a real rocky road in terms of just fatigue, feeling unwell. She's held everything down like a legend.

I don't think there's been one rush to the bathroom yet, but there's been a lot of close moments where I might trigger something or I took great joy in pretending to vomit the other day just to see what would happen. You know, you do that and that was apparently very triggering and it was very, very Funny, but only to me, apparently.

A great comedy right there.

I mean, I'm a dad now. I've been a dad for five years. So, like, I feel like I've qualified those moments to be able to do the dad joke. Funny stuff. Apparently not.

But, you know, I guess pick your audience. It's been a nasty journey, but it's funny. You don't. It's. These are all the signs of pregnancy, but they're not at all fun.

I mean, we're still probably two months away from her even feeling anything.

And with both our first pregnancies, she didn't feel anything until about 20 weeks because she had the classic of the placenta on the front, which is something can. That can delay the feeling of being. When you can feel the baby doing stuff.

Tell you what, later on, when you get in the third trimester, when you see that thing kicking through like a scene out of Alien, that is one thing. For some reason, I just cannot handle it. Just seeing this thing trying to high five you through the womb.

Well, we got that. We've got that scan this week. Placenta location, front side, upside down, placentas inside the baby. Baby wearing placenta as a hat.

Yeah, like all those various positions it could be in. I didn't know that. That's something I didn't know that placenta location was indicative of the type of symptoms it could be having.

Have you had any of the classic, the Hollywood cravings of strange things in the middle of the night?

She's mentioned to me about having a craving for McDonald's hotcakes at midnight. On one occasion, however, when she asked me, do you think that's a pregnancy craving? I sort of said, well, no, that's.

That's kind of something you would just say.

And are you just like, yeah, me too, sure. Like, yeah, no worries.

And of all times to get it. Now they've done away with the, you know, the 24 hour breakfast. It's literally impossible to get a hold of hotcakes in that hour.

But there's been a bit of food aversion as opposed to cravings along the way. And this kid is already paying dividends, hates seafood and I hate seafood. Right.

So this kid's come in and finally sealed the deal that I've been trying to execute for 11 years of marriage and nearly 15 years of relationship to get seafood off the menu. And to make it even better, it's on the back of me. Scott, your, your friend trying to be a good husband. So wifey loves, loves a bit of seafood.

Sort of chowdery business, all that kind of, you know, milk and fish and, you know, things that, you know, obviously go together really well.

Yeah, I don't. Yeah, okay.

You heard of seafood chowder? Have you heard of seafood? It's milk. It's fish boiled in milk. Disgusting.

I'm out.

So I thought, what I'll do is I'll make a nice big pot of this chowder and I'll bag up the seafood individually because she's pregnant and she loves it and it's protein heavy and it's full of good food.

So all she's got to do is take a few ladles out of this pot of creamy sort of fish, stocky, poisonous broth, chuck it on stove, upend a bag of this seafood into it that I've already pre rationed, boil it up and you're good to go. Day two, that was a shoot.

She was like, no dice. Not interesting.

Not happening.

No. Was there, was there like. Was it the microwaving of it or was it the first sip?

No, no microwaving of.

So like I very specifically made it so that a couple ladles in on the stove and it's going to come to a boil and then seafood goes in for a few minutes. But just the concept of it, the idea of getting it out of the fridge didn't even make it to the bowl.

Interesting. Wow. It's great.

This pregnancy is really in my favor.

Working in your favor so far, I think for, for my wife, the, the trick, the sign that she was even pregnant, where it was like, we probably didn't even need to do the, the pee stick test, was that she went off tea, huge tea drinker. And then consistently through every pregnancy so far, it's tea. She couldn't have tea. And then one day I was like, I'm not really enjoying this tea.

Then immediately went and peed on a stick. And then, yeah, sure enough, there we go, number three on its way.

Which is very happy with that too. I'd be happy. That's an outcome. Tea is a waste of time. It's just.

Flavored water, flavored warm water.

Not even. It's flavored water, but it's poorly flavored.

Well, I look forward to the feedback that we get on this. Imagine that like all of our. If we get any reviews for this podcast and just they've got poor taste in. In tea.

Yeah, they hate seafood and tea seafood. Well, at least Scott does. Alex is the good one.

It's like, ah, take one.

He likes normal things.

Yeah. How, how milky Fish, Milky. Oh, I'm not sure if I. Yeah, we'll see how we go. How has it gone for you being number one?

And perhaps you can share a little bit about your journey so far with telling people. And also you've mentioned in the past me, when we've talked about this, how some medical professionals are like, you're how old?

Tell everyone a bit about that. And then what it's been like telling your respective families.

Well, let's, let's talk like timeline and age related stuff.

First of all, because I think there's a certain, there's a certain immaturity you maintain by not having children and living that hashtag selfish life where you know, you're a little bit better rested. What is like yourself, you're Mr. Clean compared to me now, compared to when we're in uni together.

Oh, yeah, you could throw down a shit with the best of them. Whereas now that dad voice, you got that calming dad voice where it's more of a crud or a, or an oh dear.

Whereas, you know, when you meet someone who's got no kids like me, that'll happily walk into a room and be pointing at things and saying, fuck that, fuck this. My wife has already said that's got to go. That's a big part of your personality that needs to be erased immediately.

But going in and talking to medical professionals, and we've been at it for a few years now, sort of off and on.

And for them, like you, we walk in and we're, you know, got that youthful kind of, you know, immaturity just coming across like you're a bit younger than you actually are because the, the absolute trauma of child rearing has not beaten you into submission as of yet. And doctors being like, okay, well, this is it. You're, you're in geriatric territory. And me being like, oh dear, that's not good.

And the doctor being like, oh, no, you're fine. Like, you, you got like another 40 years like you, you just keep blasting away, that's no problem.

And looking at my wife and being like, you, however, oh, no, oh, man, you're in hot water right now. And then the doctor looking at me and being like, you know, you're all right.

Like, you know, it's such an awful term, isn't it? Geriatric pregnancy, it's horrid.

It's a horrid thing.

And it's one of those moments where you do really recognize that general fertility and so much certainly favors the, the males in the equation or the provider of the seamen. What was the second part of your question?

Something about telling. How you.

Telling the family.

Telling the family. Yeah.

Quite a few members of our family were sort of like, nah, they're not doing it.

We realized particularly telling my family that there was a component of them just assuming that it just never was going to happen or because we're not particularly sharing and caring on my family. You know, we're sort of like just be here at this time and bring money and we're having dinner. Yeah.

No other sort of warm and fuzzies that happen there. But I. You sort of see in their eyes, they're like, oh shit, that's happening. Like you're doing that.

Whereas on my wife's side of things, it was again, it was very hallmark, you know, a lot. Lots of jumping up and down and cheering and high fiving and hugging and it's all very beautiful. Yeah. Sort of flashback to my family.

The swamp people that we are like, oh God, who's gonna look after this thing? So yeah, it's it. I, I jest though. They were. They were very excited as well. So honestly, you probably couldn't ask for a better response.

Yeah.

On a. In a lot of car. A lot of sort of ways of looking at things. Especially when you consider like in my family, I don't know about yours and I'll.

I'll stop yabbering in a second because I do want to get your answer on this as well. But on my side of the family, every parent that has parented or has created life has done so very young.

And it's been met with a complete sense of overload and panic.

So to, to be at the opposite end of the spectrum where it's like, oh, you guys are established and yeah, you can afford to, you know, get the child a bed that has legs.

Yeah.

As opposed to, oh my God, like quick, we need to start collecting old Coles bags to sort of stuff into it, tear them up and stuff them into a garbage bag so the kids got something to sleep.

I hope you've been collecting your hair for the pillow.

So.

Yeah.

Anyway, that's been my experience so far. What about yourself? How has your family and your wife's family responded to everything?

It's been really good. We had the. The pleasure of on. On my side of the family. Our first child being the first grandchild for my parents.

So that was really exciting when that, when that all happened there. There are plenty more grandchildren now on that side. And when we had number one for my wife's side that was like number six in the family.

So it was like, oh, very good. It was.

Everyone was, of course, very excited, but specifically for number three and been interesting because for the most part everyone is super duper excited and that's always fun. So every time you tell someone, it's really good. Like for our first two, they were very quick.

We were able to get them in the oven really quickly, really easily. Number three has taken a couple of years and it's taken a couple of losses as well. And to get to this point, people are aware of that narrative.

So when you tell them, it's a mixture of relief and like happiness for us.

And also because it's number three, there are other people in the family and people that we know that have had multiple kids and they just go, are you mental? We're also really, really, really excited for you, but holy shit, do you know what you're in for?

And we just figured, ah, what's, you know, how hard could it be going from two to three? Let me tell you this, from one to two, that was a nightmare. Just starting to juggle, like number one.

Thinking about just having one kid now I'm just like, that's easy. That's a dream. I'm probably offending many people here by me saying just one's easy.

But people warned us on like from the jump from one to two, I've had like, Alex, do you know how hard it is to jump from 1 to 2? And of course, in my pure, naive, wonderful Disney world that I live in, I was just like, ah, I'm sure it'll be fine. It won't be a problem at all.

We've got all the clothes already. We've got all the things. We've got everything good to go. It was an absolute nightmare.

Going from juggling from one to two was just really hard, as it turns out. I mean, who would have known? Well, apparently everyone who told us it was really hard knew, but I just was like, it'll be fine.

So we figured with the jump from 2 to 3, it'll be fine.

And the perspective from a lot of people around us, when I think about it now, them saying this is going to be really hard, I just don't believe them. I just choose to live in some sort of naivety and it'll be fine.

I work with a guy who's about to have number five and he's a guy who's, who's readily volunteered to come on here almost as, you know, like a, like a warning, you know, Come on. And just be like, don't, don't. That's. There's too many. And, you know, he's the same age as us.

Talk about seeing someone with the soul sucked out of him. Like, that's probably another interesting question to ask you though. Is. Has always been three. Have you always wanted three?

My wife wanted four, but we negotiated. We negotiated so many. We negotiated down to three. I just think, oh, the jump to four, all of a sudden you are getting into custom vehicle territory.

More beds. Like, our house could probably comfortably fit three kids, but man, four.

Four kids. You're talking custom vehicle and a trailer to get them to school.

Yeah.

God forbid one of them wants to play, like the trombone or something like that. What are you going to do then?

There's probably a note for the audience. Have you got more than three kids? Let us know what it's like.

Should probably set up an email or something for people to send in their questions or their stories. I think that's a great, good idea. We'll do that at some point.

That's a good idea. That's a good idea. You know, that's good power. Good power. Business move.

I, I will say I find it wildly impressive when people pull off having that many kids.

Like, because I have, I have interacted with some families where they've got that many kids and they just, you know, it's the full blown bizarre positivity, everyone loves each other kind of thing. But then I've met other families where they've got a shitload of kids. And like, it's very obvious one of them is not the favorite.

Like, it's very, like, it's so obvious. You've got like, you know, these. They've got like five kids for argument.

Yeah.

This is a, you know.

Purely hypothetical situation.

They've got like five kids and four of them are just, you know, they're dope. They're just like great kids. They're just friendly. You just have one that's just like a gremlin.

Like, is that strawberry kind of like syrup or is that blood? Or, you know, you're trying to piece it together, playing with animal bones and stuff like that.

And you're kind of like, it's too, like, what are you doing? But you can see why they've gone for five because the other four are so good. But then they got number five. Like, oh, God, no.

But they're probably regretting meatballs right there.

Probably the one that ends up being most successful or something like that.

Yeah, it ends up being Like a musk or something, and then writes a big, you know, memoir about how the family only let him play with animal.

Bones and challenge them to become the leader that they are today. I guess maybe that's, that's what you could roll with. How many?

At this point, I'm thinking, okay, so end of the first trimester, we just had our 12 week growth scan the other day and a few other tests. This one was really interesting because this was the.

I had to actually, I remember at the scan when we have it, I was like, so what's this test called? And what does it do? And so this was the nucle test at around 12 weeks where they scanned the baby for us. And it looks like a baby at this point.

Well, it looks like a little mini human thing. And this thing was around kicking, doing fly kicks. It was hilarious. We got a little video of it. So they do this test between about 11 and 14 weeks.

And you know, when you talk about having access through the private system where you get more scans, I think sometimes that can just, that can also lead to more anxiety because with every test you go, okay, is the heartbeat still there? Is it all still normal? They're like, yeah, we'll get you the results soon. You're like, is something going to be wrong with my kid?

It's like you get the NEST test as well, which is where they can do all sorts of chromosomal tests too. And you're sort of sitting in that anxiety for a little while about, is my kid gonna have an issue? And is something going to have to.

You know, we're all flowers and meadows at the moment, but is that going to change in a moment because all of a sudden they come back high risk for. Particularly for something.

Back to talking about this test is that with the nuchal test, they do this thing where they somehow they measure the fluid thickness at the back of the baby's neck and they do it with a blood test as well of some pregnancy hormones. But, but basically it can test if there's risk for conditions like down syndrome.

And you sort of, you have that anxiety all the time of like, for us, like, everything turned out fine and it's great, but sometimes you gotta have that thought in your head, like, what? Like, what do we do if our baby's at high risk for something that's gonna have a real impact on their lives?

And you sort of sit in that anxiety for quite a while and hopefully you can share that equally with, with your partner. But how have you guys gone so far with all the little bumps along the way with number one especially man.

There, that there was a couple of little, a couple, little high anxiety moments recently.

And the, the blood test, the NIPT test, the non invasive prenatal testing, which is the one you're talking about before, where they're testing for, you know, various sort of chromosomal issues and where you can also find out the gender as well, which we certainly did because, God, that's why I have to do a birthday shopping, like a week someone's birthday. I just can't control myself.

We had that blood test then while we're waiting for that blood test or the results of that blood test, my wife actually went through a period of spotting, which was the first time that that had happened. And it was, you know, we're at that sort of still. It's a lower risk, but we're still in a high risk zone.

Anything could really happen during that period. That was. Oh, man, full blown panic on both of our behalfs. Like absolute full blown panic.

To make matters worse, I'm just coming out of the back of the flu. Have you heard of it? It's not great. Do not recommend. So I couldn't even go with her to the sort of safety scan. So I'm there.

We called up the, caught up the place and we're like, look, you know the spotting situation. They've said, yep, get in here, let's get a scan happening today. Yeah, which we were eternally grateful for.

And then they heard me rasping and weeding, wheezing in the background and they said, well, don't bring in that pit bull with you that you've got. And so I had to sit, you know, sort of anxiously on speakerphone, kind of hearing every third word from the ob.

Fortunately, look, all, all was well, you know, false alarm, nothing dramatic was going on. But it's, it's nuts what this pregnancy stuff does to you. Like it actually makes you really anxious and, and terrified.

And it's, it's interesting, you said before about the scans and the blood tests and everything like that, because we got offered or we didn't get offered, like someone suggested it, they said, oh, you should get the thing. Like you get a little wand you have at home, you could scan yourself to your heart's delight.

Yeah, yeah.

You do 50 scans a day if you want. And we would add the, like in the heat of the moment, we're like.

Because we just had the first scan, we're very excited, we've just seen the heartbeat, we're, you know, complet completely pumped about that.

And then I realized, look, I can't even wear a smartwatch because I compulsively check, you know, and then in the process, process of compulsively checking, I convince myself that I'm dying. I have the worst health anxiety of anyone that you'll meet. I was ironic. Working in the health field, I had to stop doing that.

And so we had to have a very serious talk of, do we subject ourselves to that?

To having that tool in the house where we will both want to compulsively check all the time, and then if the heart rate's up or down by one beat a minute, what are we going to do then?

Yeah.

And we ended up opting out and.

Going, nah, no way. How. What is it? What is it? What does this magic wand do?

Oh, it's. It's just basically like, I don't know, you put it on the. You put it on the tongue and you can.

You can hear the heartbeat and other sort of various vitals.

Oh, wow.

It's not as in depth as an ultrasound or anything like that, but it's got. You can hear happening. Yeah, yeah, I'll look it up. I'll send it through to you.

Yeah, well, maybe we can. We can, we'll discuss that next episode. Maybe some magic tools for pregnancy.

I remember that through our first two pregnancies, and we're sort of getting used to it now with the third. But just like, how many scans does a person need?

But then you get that reassurance as a result of having that sometimes, and you get to see the baby develop and you get to see bits and pieces. I remember with our first and seeing a spine for the first time, I'm like, that's inside you.

And then with our second, I was like, you're growing a penis inside of you. Which I always. I don't know, I just found that really funny.

So it's interesting you talk about spotting because that is something that my wife has experienced through all of her pregnancies. And with this third one now, we went through that initial, like, oh, my God. With number one was like, they're spotting.

Oh, my gosh, let's get in straight away, let's get a scan. And there are a thousand things that it could be. Of course, there are some serious things that it could be.

But in our case, my wife might kind of go, oh, I'm just spotting a bit today. I was like, okay, yeah, we'll keep an eye on it. And then she might call the obstetrician's. Office. And they'll be like, yeah, you can.

You can come in if you want. But there's no. Like, describe it to us. Oh, it's light. It's. Yeah, don't worry about it. You're fine. If it changes, let us know.

And I kind of almost want that reaction. Like, I wouldn't mind a little bit of a blase reaction as opposed to. Right. Get in here today.

Yeah.

Getting a scan.

We. Don't get me wrong, we had that, like, with number one, there was. I think we were actually really far along.

Like, we were in the late 20 weeks, early 30s, and. And some spotting happened. We're like, what's happening? And we had that.

We went in and they're like, okay, if this gets revealed to be this particular thing, you're delivering this baby today. And I'm like, what? We're like, two months away from. From meant to be having this thing. And you could be. You could be having it today.

Like, yep, that could be happening today. And, like, your life sort of flashes for you guys. Like, I don't have a seat in the car yet. Like, I don't have. I haven't built the bed.

We haven't bought nappies yet. And all of a sudden it's thrown in your face. You might be having this child now.

I was like, no, don't put a.

Put a plug in there or something.

Stow it up.

Which, funnily enough, was going to be the solution for the problem that was potentially happening, which was a narrowing of the cervix, which is. Which is another thing.

It's like, yeah, it's just your body getting ready to do the thing where it pushes it out and it does the miracle of birth and. And it opens up.

The human body is. It's not. It's a horror show. Like, it does.

Like, yes, it's great that in the end it results in a baby that you can love and nourish and pass down your family trauma to. But, like, it's. It's everything the body does in the lead up to that is just terrifying.

And again, another huge luxury of being male and not having to carry the baby. I'm reading the books, I'm doing the things and I'm doing the googling and reading all the articles and so forth. I'm trying to.

Trying to sort of be involved with it, but as an outsider. I look at it and I'm like, selfishly, I'm like, oh, my God, this is a tough read. And then I have to Remind myself, no, wait a minute.

You're just reading about it and looking at pictures of it. Your wife is about to just experience that. Maybe stop being such a. And just read about it. Stopping it, you know. You know.

Well, I will, I will say this. I. There was, I read one of the books about birthing or whatever and I was dropping some facts in the delivery room.

And I can tell you what, the nurses were impressed. They're like, wow, you know, so much about this is so impressive. I'm like, I know, I read a book.

You know, it's like, okay, this is where we do the breathing and we do all the things and this and that. And, you know, it was helpful, I guess, for me just to like reduce that anxiety because I knew what was coming.

I'm like, okay, this is where this is happening. I read this in chapter three. Don't worry about it. Well, this is all good.

Meanwhile, my hand is being crushed through the agonizing pain apparently of giving birth, which I can only assume, and what I've been told is awful. But talking about pregnancy. And this is the segment that I want to do every week, which is word of the week.

So if anyone has any suggestions that are pregnancy related words or phrases do let us know. And Scott, I think we'll get one from you next week, but I thought I'd do the first one this week before we jump into a quick break.

This word of the week is mucus plug.

And I'd like to, you know, with word of the week, I think we need to project the vulnerabilities of all of us and the sensitivities where we think, oh, pregnancy is a wonderful thing and it's lovely and it's all suns and flowers and whatnot. But no, there are some harsh realities and a mucus plug is one of them. And I'd like to read you. This is something to look forward to.

And look, this is something you could talk to your partner about, you know, your wife, your beautiful wife who I've met.

I told you, I'm struggling to read about this stuff. No, it's not. And you immediately launch into this.

Don't worry about it. A mucus plug is a wonder of pregnancy. Okay, so here we go.

A mucus plug is a thick clump of mucus that forms in the cervical canal during pregnancy to block bacteria from entering the uterus. It is a normal part of pregnancy and is often shed as the cervix begins to soften and dilate in the weeks or days leading up to labour.

Losing the mucus plug is considered the sign that labour is approaching, but does not mean labour is starting immediately. It can appear as a large gelatinous blob sometimes tinged with blood, and may come out all at once or in smaller pieces.

Mucus plug question for you as we go into the ad break here. Is the mucus plug akin to the placenta in the way that sometimes people eat it?

You know what? I'm gonna let people decide about themselves. Personally, I never saw the mucus plug, but maybe I'll keep an eye.

Very nice.

I'll keep an eye out for it. Hey, we'll be right back after the. Life lived like a coin.

Oh My Friend had a baby.

Chaos joined the joy.

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With your parents or family. Love my daddy. Diapers on the dashboard.

Mil stain's on the moon. He says he's drowning in love but man, it came to too soon.

Welcome back to the My Friend Had a Baby podcast. You're speaking with Scott and Alex, your two favorite dads and or slash dad and dad to be.

Yes.

And I thought I'd start this because we have a little, you know, we have a little sort of history together.

Alex and I have on the spur of the moment coming up with things to to stump each other, put each other on the spot in our previous life as radio hosts of it drinking based radio show. Look how far we've come drinking on our dad podcast. Yay. And I would like to propose a new segment called how to dad.

And I would like our listeners to send through some questions that you may have on your mind. Alex is going to respond from the perspective of a well rounded, responsible existing father and I will respond to the best of my ability.

But you are talking to a guy who takes multiple days to put together simple flat back furniture. So don't expect anything great out of me. I will give it a shot though.

Since it's episode number one, I thought I'd throw it out there to Alex and and say my dad.

Question for this week for how to dad is Alex, from your experience, in your experience, in your opinion, how old is too old for your child to sit on your lap?

Oh, that's interesting. Oh my word. Well, so far with me it's five and three and that's not too old.

I thought you were going to say that it's five and three and you cut them both off at the same time.

Oh, can you imagine?

Daddy's got bursitis. No more Laps.

Well, I tell you what, at the moment it's all mum, can mum do this? I want mum to do this. No, mum has to do it. So it feels like they've been cut off and I have cut them off, but I haven't.

I want their love, but apparently they don't want to give it to me. I, I think maybe when they, when, when a child becomes a teenager, do you sort of.

But I don't know, like I feel like a kid's still a kid and vulnerable up to in.

But we're taking out, remember we're taking out of the equation. Sort of like times where the kid is emotionally okay, you know, needs support or it's like. Cause you know, kids like sitting on laps, right?

They do, it's cute and it's very rewarding. Sort of like you're showing them how to do something or they just love you and they just want to sit on your lap.

I think when you look them in the eyes, when you look at your baby in the eye and you say no, no, it's over.

Oh look, I think I would never say no if they needed that support. I'm thinking of myself going from primary school to high school and me as a high schooler, I wouldn't want to go and sit on my parents lap.

Like, I know I feel like you.

Have that transition in maturity, but you're talking about me from a parenting perspective.

Like you're the parent. Like you, I know you got to make the call.

You've got a kid right now in this hypothetical situation that is happy to sit on your lap until they're 70. Like you need to, you need to tell them at some point it's over, you need to sit in your own chair.

I think this is more of a weight bearing thing at this point and.

How if it's coming down to that, if you remember the gargantuan size of my family all being six foot plus one's probably got to be like four at that rate. If we're talking like weight distribution, I.

Think it's a conversation that you probably have to have with your kid in that transition between primary school and high school, which for us in Australia is sort of between that transition from 12 to 13 years old. I don't know, like there's. Yeah, I'll put it this way.

I'm never going to deny my kids if they need that cuddle and a bit of, you know, comfort and stuff. It's like I say to my parents sometimes, like, do you remember when the last Time was that you picked me up.

You know, can you think about that moment? When was the last time you physically held me off the ground? Which for them was probably by the time I was about six.

Jesus, that's such a loaded question to ask your parents. Like, what are you, like, did you, did you then ask them for money afterwards? No, no, no, I was just like, remember that?

When was the last time you lifted me up? Well, let's quantify that in terms of the finances I'm about to ask you for. I don't get you to lift me up.

You thought I was heavy.

Literally now because of all of your failure to hold me over the years.

You thought this was heavy. Check out this debt.

No, I thought, because, I mean, I heard that question asked in general, I thought, you know what, that's a really funny question to ask my parents. And I think I just made my mum sad.

I was gonna say, I'm sad for your parents, like the way that you delivered the question. I hope you didn't deliver it in that way to them, like in a very contemplative way, like you. You're saying goodbye to them.

No, I think I did like a.

Question you asked to someone on their deathbed. I think I do remember the last time you picked me up. Let's have a, you know, let me help you have that.

Walk down memory lane before, you know that I pull the plug on you.

Can you imagine? That would be awful. It's like one last try. One last try.

Remember last time you picked me up? It was nowhere near as heavy as the emotional intensity of me pulling this life support plug out.

Oh, that would be a way to go.

I.

Yes, no, I did ask it with that sort of sincerity because I feel like I have that relationship with my parents where I can make that sort of funny observation and they don't want to throttle me for it.

I think to answer your question, I would maybe have that conversation around that transition from primary school to high school about sitting on my lap constantly still. Yeah.

So that's what's sort of like 11, 12ish.

Yeah, something. Something like that. Something like that, yeah. You what, what are your thoughts on that?

Not to get too sociological about it or anything like that, but I would gauge my response based on the level of sort of social interaction my kid has. So I'm very, I'm very conscious now as a. As a late entry into the.

The race of kids being picked on or my child being picked on because I haven't cut something off early.

Right.

That could potentially result in them being, you know, developing some kind of shitty nickname.

Yeah.

Or, or like have something for kids to sink the boots into.

It's like the last, last thing you want is like your kid to be called D. Something.

Yeah. Or something weird like that. You know, sit on your dad's lap. Because my, my kids coming in with problems. Right.

Like it's, it's entering the world with problems. This isn't a receding hairline, this is just five head. Like so this kid's going to come in with a like landing strip right straight off the bat.

So that's going to be a problem. My wife and I both have terrible eyesight. We got the laser. You can't give laser eye surgery to a four year old. I've checked.

Going to have the big forehead, it's going to have the glasses. My father was kind enough to pass down the big forehead, the bad eyesight and a neurological tremor on top of those.

Well, so it's got to be shaky and have big coke bottle glasses and so forth.

So I think that the worry is having too many sort of variables like a mixing pot of opportunities for children to pile on because kids are notoriously a bit shitty like that. Like I think back to being a kid.

Right.

And, and every bad nickname that a friend had or that a like someone that was in the broader social circle had developed was because of something really stupid that made no sense.

Like a very old and, and near and dear friend of mine whose name is also Alex, he developed the nickname Bottles at the age of I think 13 because he wore a shirt that had bottles on it. One time he wore a button up shirt and I had like, had like Corona bottle. I got all the beer bottles on it. Right. I don't know if you remember that.

When we were younger it was a.

Button up shirt and it was his nice going out shirt when he was going to birthday parties, all that kind of thing. And remember this is from country South Australia.

So you know as a 13 year old you have shirts with pictures of beer bottles of course, but he developed the nickname Bottles that night. People still call him Bottles now. He's nearly 40.

I'm sort of like if the kid's going to develop a nickname, I don't want it to be as a result of something that I have done or I have not cut off in the past. So I would say probably somewhere in the same territory as you.

However, if the child grows in height the way that I did when I was younger because I was about 5 foot tall when I was 11 and 5 foot tall. 11 year old, might as well be.

A 20 year old. Gotcha.

You know, in the context of lap sitting, I'm going to assume that the kid is growing at a fast pace. So I'm going to say I'm gonna, I'm gonna cut it off potentially around 9, 9, 10.

Okay.

All right. Maybe a year or two before your grand plan.

Oh, well, if our listeners out there have any other alternative ideas, please be sure to send them in now. Scott, I wanted to talk to you about. I think this is before we were recording, but for me, both of our, our three children so far have been natural.

Yours is taking a bit longer and required some assistance and an interesting journey as a result of that.

I wanted to close out the podcast episode, episode one today with your experience getting to number one, because I wasn't aware that the process that you went through. I heard of natural and I've heard of ivf, but you sort of found.

Somewhere in the middle, the sweet spot in the middle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So first of all, like, weird flex, bro, like coming in about the three naturals.

It's like, sorry, I'm here, getting it, getting a leg up and you're just like, what kind of lasting number one hits left, right, center, sneezing near your wife and she gets pregnant. No, I know you've had your own, your own journey as well.

So look, we, we were trying for a few years and, and kind of off and on, you know, and, and we'd have excuses to stop and then reasons to jump back on the bandwagon of let's have the kid, that type of thing. We moved from South Australia to Tasmania, we're closer to wife's family was like, look, it's now or never.

We had that conversation about, look, geriatric pregnancy. Dr. Looking at me waking. Yeah, not you, bro. You just keep fertilizing this earth.

We meet with a fertility specialist and the sweet spot in the middle is essentially, it's a glorified turkey baster. Right. It's a long, clear plastic tube and single use as well. Shouldn't you be using a cardboard tube for this?

I said, I'm pretty sure you can get like fertility tubes that are like pasta now and they're biodegradable.

It's not like the, the, the soy, the soy fish from the sushi place.

Yeah. Can't have. You can't soy fish it in anymore.

Okay.

Back in, back in the days, you used to be able to have the soyfish. You'd suck up the. The man jam and then you put the soyfish inside the lady and she'd clench you do a kegel and then it would get up there and you'd.

Be good to go.

But not anymore. Now no more. No more single use plastic fertility.

Except for the very, very long straw, which I will assume will end up in a turtle's throat or it'll be.

One of those PETA videos of the straw being pulled out of the turtle nose and it's like, oh, straws are ruining it. No, it's single use fertility products.

Yeah, yeah, that's right. And as they say in the single use fertility game, one in, one out. And that refers to one baby in and one ocean animal out.

Right?

As a guy who hates seafood, you're all for it. Okay, let's see that bloody ocean trash. That can all flush, flush, flush, as far as I'm concerned.

So look, you go in, you have the thing and they, they send you to the room, right? They say you to this room, the masturbation station, and, and you sort of walk in there and. Because you got, you got to be tested.

The initial fertility test. It's, it's. There's no other way to put it. You won't get into a cup and, and you. It's. It's a really bizarre experience where you go in there and.

And everyone's doing the same thing. Like, it's the only time I've ever been in a room sober where everyone has actively known they're about to masturbate.

Right?

Right. Everyone's kind of looking at each other side, glancing each other, trying to scroll on your phone.

Hang on, is this a shared space or are you talking about in like reception?

Where, like, this is a reception.

Okay, you're in reception.

We're not all in one room.

Okay.

Whacking officer. Okay, Gotcha. Pound town. Like back to back high five and the fellas.

High five and the boys.

So going there and the first place that I had to go, which was the, you know, the very clinical one, you know, it's very sterile. You walk in there and, and it's just. It's like a hospital sort of environment sort of. It's not in a hospital, but it's hospital.

You walk in, everything smells like bleach. And you know, they give you the checklist and they're like, have you done this? Have you done that? Have you taken any drugs?

Are you going plan on using any lube? Have you done this? I'm like, no, I've Just come here to wank. Like, I didn't come here to pass a test. Well, I did come to pass a test, sure.

So you go in and you sort of walk down. You'd led down this horrible little hallway by someone who has just, you know, is questioning every life decision they've made to this point.

And they're like going there, get in the. Get in the room. Get in the. Get in the tube. Get in the wank tube. You know, it's like a cylinder drops around. You're like, Futurama style.

Get in there and just get it done. And. And they're like, and put it in the bag after it's done, after you wank in the cup. This is what they say. This is the clinical.

After you finish wanking in the cup, put it in the brown paper bag. And then give me the. Wash your hands. Give me the clipboard. Give me the brown paper bag. Don't make eye contact with me.

Like, get out as quickly as you can.

It's very specific about the, the washing of the hands.

It was like, wash your hands at every stage. Like, open the door, Wash your hands. Unzip your fly. Wash your hands.

I was like, I walked out and I'm like, yeah, I'm all pruned up and it was so funny. Like, as I say, put in the brown pad bag. I'm like, why? Like, you know what's in there?

Like you're just going to take it back and open the brown pad bag anyway. Yeah, like, this isn't a lunch order from school. Like, this is a. Is a cup full of semen. And you got to open it and it's going to be semen.

And you're at the end of the hallway. It's not even like I'm being exposed to anyone. So you do that, you do that process and it's fine. And it comes back. So mine came back.

They're like, yep, cool. You're in the, you're in the range. We can fucking do it in the other place now. And I was like, what's the other place now? That's a nice place.

That's a nice. That's the nice wanking area. Like this, this is the place for the degenerates.

On the same day. Is this, Is this the same day we being sent to the same thing? You have to perform twice or is this. No, no, no, no, no.

Okay, so two days between, that's good recharge time.

Yep.

Okay, so you gotta, you gotta let the, gotta let the troops sort of Restock, essentially. So they call up and. Well, they don't call up. They send it to the doctor. The doctor's like, yeah, fine.

Like, just go to the next place.

So you go to the next place, and the next place is so nice. It's like a spa.

Like, you walk in, everything's like exposed timber, and there's a little fucking diffuser going, and there's music, and everyone there's really happy because they've passed sort of stage one. They've passed, like, the audition, you know, remembering Australian Idol, where you'd walk in there. This is.

Before you get to the grand stage, before you get your own green room. Like, you've got to walk in. You've got to stand in line with your little fucking number and be like, okay, here.

So you got Mark Holden. Mark Holden, who's just like, all right, yeah, we've. We've got you. Semen sample. You're all good to go.

Get up there on, you know, in that room and jerk off in front of three judges. And then they say, okay, well, you can go. You go through. So you go to the next place and. And the. There's no wank tube there.

Like, it's all very nice, but the problem. Let me. Let me tell you. Oh, no, there are several problems. I had several problems.

Problem number one of masturbation station, the clinical one was there was a chair in the room, and the chair was made of fabric. Could not. I could not get it out of my head. I was just like, no coverage.

Who made this decision that this was the only piece of furniture that was in here. I had no intention of sitting anything. Sitting on anything to get it done.

Right.

The fact that it wasn't an option. I mean, it was an option, but, like, how. Like, how much do you hate yourself to sit on a fabric chair in a room that everyone jokes and you're.

Aware of the history of this place, just like, oh, absolutely.

Like, there's only one thing that happens in these rooms. It's whacking off. Like, it doesn't alternate between a masturbation station and, like, a mahjong room.

Like, it's like, people only go in there to jerk off.

Right?

So past the audition, and we're. We're on to, like, the more performative episodes where I get to go on stage and I get my own green room. So you're getting.

You're getting the backstory now. They've given you the backstory. You get the backstory story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've progressed through the Stage.

I've already told you about my rough upbringing.

Yeah, yeah.

I've got you through the single solitary tier in the green room. So you walk out there and this, this wank tube, this masturbation station is so much better. There's like a dimmable light, there's a lockable door.

Like if you're at that level where there's the trust is there, like, you can lock yourself in if you want to, as opposed to the other one. There was no, there was no lock on because anyone could have just burst in there. Are you waking in here?

Are you done yet?

How's your wake? So, yeah, nice room.

And so this is where things kind of went a bit sideways for me because I got a little bit and I felt like I was watching, you know, like when you watch National Geographic and you get kind of caught up in like this life that you're not a part of. You know, I don't see lions in the wild often.

And you just, you just end up watching it and you're like, wow, like, I've never, never really watched, like about deep sea jellyfish. And you'd like, really into it.

The reason I'm talking about this is because whoever compiled that collection of materials had a type, and that is not a type that I have deep dived on before.

Right, so you've got a selection of adult material to assist with the journey.

Tv, the mounted tv. Oh, you've got a remote control that's in effectively like a Ziploc bag, which I assume is just absolutely saturated in jizz. Oh God.

I'm there and I'm like clicking through this material and I'm like, as a modern day man, I've never partaken in this category, this category before. And then I found myself scrolling through and then, you know, fast forward, you see the clock quickly turning around.

The camera pans up to the clock and many moons pass. But I got to the got together. I found, you know, something that was. It was all acceptable, don't get me wrong. But it was very specific.

Like, it was very. It was a highly specific thing. And I came out and I actually asked, because that's who I am.

Yeah.

And I was like, so a couple questions about.

Here's the brown paper bag.

Yeah, here's my brown paper bag. And they've gone, oh my God. Like, geez, you've been in there for hours. I was like, well, how many times did you want me to jerk off?

So as I said, so couple of questions, like, do you have themed base rooms? Like, is this like a bit like a red light district? Do you have theme based room?

Did you look at me and you're like, this guy's got to fucking love this. Like he's, I just know it. He's got the fever. Let's send him in. There they are. No, no. Like it's the same materials everywhere.

I said, follow up question, follow up question to question number one. Who is in charge of your materials and how much do they get paid? And they said, oh, well, you know, we've got someone that compiles materials.

It's part, it's like it's not their only job.

Right.

Well, that's a shame because I mean.

How many dream jobs are there?

Where do I apply?

Yeah.

And I said, you know, it's all one category, right? And I said, what do you mean? I said it's all one category. It's like one thing.

And that's when I heard one of the greatest stories of all time about the masturbation station, the wang chamber, the wank tube.

There was a very generous local man who was a very frequent donor and he would go in there and he'd donate his seed to people that required it, which is an awesome thing to do. But he was a gay man, or is a gay man. He'll think he's still alive.

And he requested specifically for some of his own materials to be woven into the mix.

Yes.

Which nurses? They happily obliged. Here he is, the king. He's entered the building again. Let's give him what he needs.

He's given us these amazing, powerful swimmers. But that ruined it because they micked. They just blended it in with the rest of the materials.

So you had a bunch of straighty 180s, like they come in, have a little scan through and go, when do the girls come in? Oh no, when are they going to come in? So they had a lot, a lot of failed.

The boys were warm. The boys, the boys were warming each other up for the girls when they arrived. Is that right? Yeah, yeah. Okay.

So I guess my, my follow up question to you is what was the, was that helpful in any way? Like did you accidentally discover something about yourself or.

Well, I'm going to type now, like this is the issue. Like you've got, it's like situation. I have a type. It's awoken something inside of me. That's all I can get off to now.

So anyway, we'll move past the masturbation station. Gotcha. I've handed the cup over. And then they take it and they run it through the machines.

And what was really interesting between wank number one and wank number two was my account absolutely skyrocketed. Like, it went through the roof. Rank number one was, all right, it's possible. It's fine. And they were just sort of like, yeah, that's okay.

That's a good wank. Well done. That's what they said at the counter. They're like, yeah, that's a good one. Number two, masturbation number two.

The numbers were out of control and they actually had to thin it down before they. Before they put it in the single use straw. And to my wife, because they were like, this is too much jizz. Like, there's too much.

Oh, no. And I get. And. And I guess to come.

Well, to come full circle on all of this is that the conclusion of this process is that they basically take your apparently excessive ability to produce and do some sort of miracle stuff and then place it into.

So this is the probably the weirdest part about the whole process is I kind of assume you drop trowel, you blast off, you handball in the cup, and then they put it in the syringe and then they put it up the tube and then it goes in. Your wife, they don't do that. Like, they tell you to off for an hour.

You get done your beard, and then they're like, go and get a sandwich and a coffee and come back and then we'll do the rest of it. I'm like, what are you doing with it between then and then? Like, I felt very attached to it. I'm like, usually this just goes down the drain.

Like, what do you. What are you doing with it? So they put it in the machine and they apparently sort of like, spin off all the weird ones, and it's.

Sort of swimming in circles. And. Right.

Like, they.

They kind of just leave the Spartans in there, you know, and, yeah, you come back and then wife goes in the sort of stirrups, and then they, like, weave it in. And everyone's trying to not talk about what's going on. It's all very agricultural. And that part of it's over and done within, like, two seconds.

It's a very, very quick part of it. So the longest part of it is they're very stringent on asking, what is your name? What is your date of birth? What is your partner's name?

What is your partner's date of birth? And the level of intensity of those questions says to me, oh, that baby batter went into the wrong home at Some point.

At one point. Oh, no, they're laughing at that. No, no, that's a very true.

Life is cruel and hilarious and unfair.

That'd be pretty funny.

And there is nothing funny about a laughing clown. So anyway, jizz goes in tube, tube goes in wife. And you watch it on the screen.

They've got like an ultrasound or something. Do they?

Outside of sitting on fabric chairs and plastic covered remote controls and dimmer switches and incense and plastic paper, brown paper bags full of jizz. The strangest part of the artificial insemination process is they've got the ultrasound on the tongue at the time. So you see the jizz go in.

Like you, you witness it on the screen. Like you can see it happen.

Wow.

And it's the weirdest. It's like, you know you're not meant to see that, right? There's something about seeing that. And you go, I'm not meant to be here.

You know, it's like, you know, you're sitting in the staff room while the teachers are all having lunch. You're kind of like, I'm not meant to be in here.

Has science gone too far? Well, it's resulted in a baby.

It's resulted in a baby. And the fun fact about this entire equation is that we were 24 hours away from starting IVF.

Wow.

When we found out my wife was pregnant. Yeah, look, it's a leg up. We're very grateful to not have to go through the IVF process.

Not because there's anything wrong with it, but because it's clearly a hugely grueling process to be able to avoid that. We're very, very lucky.

That's a wonderful way to conclude the episode is that.

Hang on, are you going to talk about how you impregnated your wife?

No.

I mean, that's secretly my type. What do you think the materials were?

Well, all those selfies I sent you? No, I think.

No wonder they thought I would like it. Do you know this guy, Alex? You're gonna love his stuff.

Got this special category, minutes and minutes of material. I think that's a perfect. I don't want to give away too much. I think that's perfect. I think it's a great place to stop the episode for now.

We'll continue this journey as we go along, as our partners go through the journey and as we go through the journey as well.

And of course, we are going to get guests on who are going to make sense of it all for us, from different parts of expertise and lives and everything, just to give us some context around the world of having babies and all of that. If you enjoyed the episode, be sure to share with your friends and family.

Leave us a review, and don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. You can find the My Friend Had a Baby podcast streaming wherever you find podcasts. Thanks for listening everybody. We'll see you in the next episode.

And Scott, thank you so much for sharing your wank tube stories.

And welcome anytime.

And anything else before we go to.

Can'T shut me up about it.

Oh, I look forward to seeing your Google reviews as they come in. All right, we'll see you in the next episode.

It's been a pleasure.

Thank you, Alex thank you, Scott. Picasso.