Relapse is more common than people admit — and recoverable. In this episode we look at what's really happening underneath a relapse and how to break the patterns and habits that keep dismantling a marriage. Three questions, one topic, real answers.

What we cover:

• Q1 — "I relapsed and reached out to the affair partner after months of no contact. Is there still hope?" Why saying there's no hope slams the door in the face of God, and what's happening internally that drives a relapse
• HALT-B: the five internal mood states (hungry, angry, lonely, tired, bored) borrowed from addiction recovery — and why unregulated emotions drive us back into behaviors we swore off
• Soul ties and attachment: how the brain romanticizes a toxic person once you leave, highlights the "good days," and pulls you back — and why those attachments are often rooted in unmet childhood needs
• Why recovery can't be one-dimensional: combining counseling, psychology, and spiritual work — EMDR, spiritual fasts, and the reality of a "heart detox"
• Why men tend to oversimplify moving on, how men and women attach differently, and why this work is ultimately not gender-specific
• Q2 (caller Julie) — Betrayal discovered six weeks before a vow renewal: does the timing matter? Why timing matters immensely, and how it adds a second offense — deception layered on top of betrayal
• "Death by a thousand cuts": how the circumstances surrounding an affair (a pregnancy, a season of transition, a job loss, an affair with a colleague or family member) deepen the wound
• PISD — post-infidelity stress disorder, intrusive thoughts, hyperarousal, and how the calendar itself (anniversaries, Valentine's Day, New Year's) becomes a recurring trigger
• Q3 — "How do I know the difference between a slip and a pattern?" Recognizing minimization, the "moments before the moment," and the micro-decisions that lead to betrayal
• Setting boundaries to protect yourself from yourself — severing access, blocking and deleting, and the difference between a true slip and premeditated action
• Why your eyes look outward, not inward — and why owning your story ("if you don't believe you, nobody else will") is the turning point

If you've experienced a relapse and feel like all hope is lost but you want to get back on track, this is exactly what we specialize in. Weekly sessions often aren't enough — recovery this deep requires going further. Reach out for a free discovery call at couplesacademy.org to see how we can be part of your marriage story.

Resources & next steps:

• Free discovery call / consultation at couplesacademy.org
• 3-Day Private Marriage Intensive (affair-focused), 4-Day (individual healing), and comprehensive 5-Day Intensive (marriage restoration)
• Our book, Moving Forward After Infidelity — a tool for evaluating what led to the affair in the first place

Listen wherever you get your podcasts — Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and all streaming networks. Have a burning question for a future episode? Drop it in the comments — we read and respond to every one.

Why Does My Spouse Keep Lying About the Affair? - YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5kOU5rMNNG0

Transcript:

(00:20) There was no anything. >> That doesn't add up. I'm never doing that again. I'm good. I'm good." No, you're not. Every bit of this experience is convincing me that you're just who you've always been. >> What kind of person are you that you would invest this much deception, this much time in something that meant nothing to you? Right? So, transparency is the key.

(01:05) What you did when you cheated on me was damaging. But what hurts more is the fact that you've continued to lie about it. And so whether the unfaithful person is conscious of it or not, lying is more than just a strategy. It is a structure. It is a way to move beyond what has happened to get back to their own normal life.

(01:50) So the thinking is, I'd rather hold on to the truth and take it to the grave to prevent further pain. So in the affair partner's mind, I'm lying to you to protect you. Number two, the reason why they lie and don't want to have these conversations is because they're trying to avoid the consequences of what may happen if the truth comes out.

(02:29) And so, to prevent either one of those consequences, he or she attempts to prevent revealing the truth, and they hold on to it, never to reveal it to their spouse. The third reason why people cheat is because they're trapped in between guilt and shame. Every time you ask a question, every time you bring it up, you're forcing me to remember what I did.

(03:21) Guilt is me feeling bad about you. So to avoid me feeling bad about me, shame. And to avoid me feeling bad about you guilt, I rather avoid the conversation altogether. So I lied to avoid it. And the fourth reason is I'm a compulsive liar and I don't remember what I said in the last conversation.

(04:07) So let's talk about it today. >> Okay, here's our first question. He keeps admitting a little more every few weeks. Why does finding out in pieces hurt worse than the affair itself? >> This is classic, Danielle. If if I'm asking you questions about your betrayal, I'm hoping and praying that you're going to be completely honest with me and tell me everything I need to know.

(04:54) Now, even though it's the same betrayal, it feels like a new betrayal. Every time I have to open up this wound again, I'm reexperiencing the pain all over again. And now I feel like you're doing this intentionally. You're torturing me. So, this is actually kind of worse than the actual betrayal because we're on the other side of it and you're continuing to remain the person that you've always been, though you've tried to convince me that you're no longer that person.

(05:47) So, like they've come to this point where they're finally going to get the truth. Everything's going to come out. Hit me with it. I can take it. They're mentally prepared because we take them through a journey to get them mentally prepared and they're ready for it, right? and they hear diabolical things.

(06:28) And every time Paul was getting healed and getting closer to being able to be free, right? When his leg got better and he was hobbling around, she would break his leg again. Wow. >> Right. She broke his leg with a sledgehammer to keep him incapacitated. So every time he started healing, the wound in the leg got stronger and stronger and he started trying to figure out a way to escape and be free from this, right? Boom.

(07:29) receipts are right here on the paper and you're like, you know, not even owning it. And so it it goes back to like what is it that the couple really wants? Like do you want to heal? Because if you truly want what you say that you want, when we create the space for full disclosure, your spouse is already embracing for the impact.

(08:12) >> You know why? Because I'm showing up to the moment with fear, with shame, >> with regret, with all types of internal turmoil. I have a broken identity that I have to protect. There's my reputation on the line. It's the exposure of what I've been hiding all of these years. And so now I'm just supposed to flip a switch and reveal this truth.

(08:56) But the fact of the matter is there's some deep broken damage and pain within me that caused me to do it in the first place. And that pain is still there because I keep lying, okay? and trivializing and and giving false impressions. Like when we talk about lies, that's just one form of deception. In the book uh moving forward after infidelity, the cube of deception, meaning that there are six different forms of ways that you can deceive your spouse, which people have either unconsciously operated in mastery in or

(09:49) I mean, you know, when somebody showed up today. >> Oh, yeah. >> And they're ready to let it out and they can't wait to release it. It's like they're ready, but they're terrified at the same time. And when they And they don't even look up from the paper, do they? They just look down the whole time and they get it all out.

(10:30) And those people are, in my opinion, way more equipped to support their spouse who was hurt through the recovery. You know why? They're not trying to recover, but also still holding something, right? Because it's hard to play both sides of the fence. It's either everything's out for discussion. Everything's open. I'm a full book.

(11:13) It's so multifaceted what happens in these situations. And people don't understand that the answer that they are seeking is in the cave they refuse to enter. M >> they've got to refu they've got to step into the cage of fear to embrace the unknown and on the other side we show them the the freedom that exists the ability for you to hold your spouse's hand to actually walk in recovery and honesty and transparency to be able to put more than just a drop in the bucket of trust that is possible with full disclosure.

(11:58) And we can tell when a person like when you're just too calm and too collected and just everything's just when you're curious instantly. >> Instantly. >> I'm I'm good. I'm fixed. >> You are lying. You are hiding. >> But you know what? You're covering you're lying to yourself. >> Selfdeception. >> That's what I've seen. >> That's the first step.

(12:40) I'm never doing that again. I'm I'm fixed. Right. Like clean slate. We're starting today. Don't talk about tomorrow. I'm never doing that again. I'm good. I'm good. No, you're not. >> And you know what's deep about that? When people have this absolute confidence about what they'll never do, those are the ones you need to be suspicious of.

(13:20) I have to put a system of accountability in place, checks and balances, so that when I do get weak, cuz I will. When I don't feel the way I feel in this moment, when you get on my first and last nerves, cuz it will happen, how will I show up in that moment if that's how responded in a previous moment? So I mean, oh lord. Listen, this we got to get to the next question.

(13:59) Number one, there's there's someone who actually finally stepped up to the plate, but under circumstances, right? Um you don't know you only know what the person's asking. So this person was discovered and they owned what was discovered. So they did not show up and say, "Hey, this is what I did." Right? It It almost sounds like they were caught and they owned it.

(14:49) So finally you admit and you tell the truth. That's not owning that's a whole different situation. >> So then so then rewarded. >> Yeah. So he's claiming honesty when when there was no honesty, >> right? >> You you you were forced to be honest. The deeper issue here, there's no transparency because transparency is me revealing the truth without you having to ask.

(15:36) And now that you have it, you feel crushed because the man that you were trying to restore or the woman you were trying to restore the relationship with, you had hope. You had desire that things would be better. They're proving themselves to be just as bad as they were, but you know, before you discovered the affair. So, you feel a sense of hopelessness and helplessness.

(16:09) Reach out to couples academy because the thing is is that he actually thinks he deserves credit for being exposed. You were lying. Right. And so somebody else needs to help him understand the betrayal or her lying tricking wicked >> equal I'm equal opportunity with this but somebody has to with of authority has to sit this person down and help them understand the betrayal behind it because they're like I was caught you you got me you caught you caught me red-handed.

(16:57) And I just want to encourage thinking that you got over. You got through. Coast is clear. We're good now. Trust and believe. What happens in the dark always comes out in the light. And the truth can be better received when it is delivered from you than if it's delivered through someone else. because now they're crafting the narrative that you now have to fight up against.

(17:37) So listen, you can curb all of this by just being honest from the beginning. >> Yeah. very scary, but it's it's the truth and that's that's what people need support with. You know, if some folks have never ever had to tell the truth about anything. So, call Couples Academy. That's what we're here for. We support couples in recovery.

(18:14) People t and that's a form of lying, right? So either we're exaggerating something and making something much more than what it was or we're minimizing it because we're trying to soften the blow and the impact of the truth. Listen, at the end of the day, the truth doesn't have to be caressed. The truth doesn't have to be curated.

(18:54) I didn't really feel anything. It's really insulting your spouse's intelligence. They're not idiots, right? And the fact of the matter is when you're in an affair, you give your all to it. Your heart, your mind, your soul. You have to. >> Too much energy goes into it. The lying, the sneaking, the all the things that you're doing to create a separate life that no one knows about.

(19:34) But every single interaction that you have, you have to bring all of you into it. So fine, you can make the case to say, "Well, I didn't love her." And often times that's the case. That is the case. But there was some emotion. Either A, I like you or B, I like how I feel when I'm with you. I think that's big. >> And so as a consequence, I like being with you.

(20:17) >> It makes it worse. It's frustrating to be in that in that full disclosure conversation where you want to pull your eyeballs out and rip your ears off because you're like, I cannot believe this dude or this female is actually holding to this story, which is not even believable. >> It's not believable.

(20:54) It almost makes it worse and would make the person question, well, then who are you? Like, what kind of person are you that you would invest this much deception, this much time in something that meant nothing to you, right? So, that doesn't add up. So, it's much better to just be transparent.

(21:41) would go and do something like that. If you don't know what those things are, how can you ever create a safe space where those things won't happen again? So transparency is the key. >> This was good. This was good. This is so good. I think that you can't exhaust this topic enough. There's got to be a part two to this.