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This one's for anyone who's ever offered help, then immediately started
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rearranging someone's kitchen just to make it more functional. You
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weren't trying to judge their spice rack, but now you're holding it.
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Let's be honest, Helping sounds noble, but
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sometimes it's just low key micromanaging in a cardigan.
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If we're honest, the line between compassion and control gets
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blurry fast. Someone says they're having a hard time time and you offer
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to help. Great, noble, loving,
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but somehow, let me know what you need turns into
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prescheduled check ins, unsolicited resources, and
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mild anxiety when they don't follow through. You didn't mean to become
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their personal project manager, and yet here you are color
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coding their healing journey like it's a work retreat. This
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is messy advice for people who care, for those who try to lighten someone's
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load and accidentally take over the entire moving truck.
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Hey. This is Johan on the edge of helpful here to talk
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about care, boundaries, and why it's okay that other people do things
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differently even if those things are wildly inefficient and
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spiritually questionable. Today's question gets into the
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heart of something a lot of us helpers struggle with. Let's get
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right into it. I want to help, but sometimes I
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wonder if I'm actually trying to take control. How do I know
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if I'm truly supporting someone or just making it
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about me? If you've ever confused
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being helpful with being in charge, you are very
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much not alone. According to a 2023
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Abacus data survey, one in two Canadians say they feel
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pressure to fix situations rather than to simply offer
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support, especially among caregivers and faith based volunteers.
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Apparently, we're a nation of well intentioned problem solvers
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who sometimes forget that compassion doesn't always require a clipboard.
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We're not trying to run anyone's life. We just want them to
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know that we have printed resources available. Helping
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can start as care and quietly drift into control.
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That line is thin. The heart is good. The
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result, debatable, and that's what we need to
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check. Helping someone doesn't mean becoming their life manager.
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And as much as I love Google documents and Google Sheets, you
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don't need to build one every time someone says, I'm struggling,
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unless they ask, then spreadsheet away. Here's
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a scenario. A friend shares that they're having a rough
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week. You say, anything I can do?
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They hesitate. So you suggest five things.
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You follow-up two days later with, did you try that podcast I
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sent? Unless, of course, it's this one, then it probably would be helpful.
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But suddenly, the vibe shifts from support to subtle
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pressure. You wanted to help, but now it feels like you're
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managing their outcome. Let's take a look at what
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scripture has to say. Let's get biblical.
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Biblical. The famous story in Luke 10,
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Mary and Martha. Jesus shows up at Mary and Martha's house,
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and immediately, that familiar dynamic kicks in.
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Mary drops everything, sits at Jesus's feet, and Martha
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kicks into hosting mode. She's chopping, tidying,
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reheating something that probably didn't need reheating. Martha is
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doing the right things, at least according to most of us raised
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on hospitality and casserole theology. But the longer Mary
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stays seated, the more agitated Martha becomes.
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Eventually, she explodes, and not at Mary, but at
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Jesus. She says, lord, don't you care that my
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sister has left me to do all the work for myself? Tell her to
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help me. You can practically hear the resentment simmering in
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her voice. She's not asking for support. She's demanding
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backup. And what's Jesus's response?
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Martha. Martha. You are worried and upset about many things.
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Okay. I don't think this is a rebuke. I think it's a gentle
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naming of what's underneath the bustle. Jesus sees that
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Martha's care has tipped into control. Her helpfulness has
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become anxious managing. Her hospitality, though well
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intended, has become a performance of responsibility
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over relationship. And Mary, she's not lazy.
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She's just chosen to sit in the moment undistracted,
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present with Jesus. This isn't a scolding of
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people who like to clean kitchens and organize schedules. Bless
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you. It's a reminder that sometimes our need to help
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can crowd out the people we're trying to care for, that we
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can do all the right things for Jesus and still miss
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being with him. Jesus isn't asking Martha to abandon her
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personality. He's inviting her to lay down her
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pressure. Not everything has to be held together.
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Sometimes the most spiritual thing you could do is sit down.
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So helpful doesn't have to mean hands on. Sometimes the
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most faithful thing you can offer isn't a solution. It's
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space. Space for people to be where they are and who
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they are. Space for them to ask. Space to sit
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without fixing. Sometimes presence is the ministry.
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Silence is the support. Love doesn't need a manual.
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So if you've been trying to help and it's starting to feel a little
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forced, maybe it's time you loosen your grip, not
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your love. And, hey, if you wanna join a
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conversation of like minded caregivers, join us on our Care
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Impact podcast group on Facebook. We'd love to hear where
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you're wrestling, where your help got a little too helpful. And
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until next time, keep loving, keep laughing, and if you've
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accidentally took over someone's healing process, maybe give
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it back now with love and a snack and
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always remember to stay curious.
