Hello, today, I have a lovely guest for you. Her name is Kat Polsinelli. Kat with a K, by the way, is a business and personal development coach, podcaster speaker, a mother of two boys, and an overcomer of eight years of domestic abuse. Ah, so Kat has a passion for seeing others succeed. Thankfully, she made it through about eight years. She uses her personal story and the skills that she has developed as a unique way to approach helping others grow. Well, I am really looking forward to learning about your personal story and how you help others grow. So, ka you, you probably have a better sense of where you'd like to begin, but in your, in the challenge and then over the coming, the challenge so that you could be greater connected with your soul. Take it away,

. Well, thank you Tessa, so much for the opportunity. I feel like I've been searching for my soul on and off through many challenges. the first one is actually getting pregnant at 16. I was the, the straight A student with all the dreams and aspirations and kind of shattered all that stuff. I did keep my son, he is now almost 19. And so I, I graduated early, thought I was doing great, clashed with my parents from old school teaching and also being a teenager who knows everything, which did land me in an eight year abusive relationship. But through that relationship, I landed my second son, who is now 15. So I'm very blessed to have both of my children. And I would definitely say that in the process of that, you know, I, I don't fit into the typical parameters where, you know, my family was abusive or there was a history of that.

I had a great home. My parents were still together 40 something years later. I had a great upbringing. I just was extremely hardheaded and I thought that I could fix it. And I also wanted something that my parents had, which was a family, right? And so I think that that's kind of what kept me in that situation. What I didn't realize was the emotional abuse and what that ends up doing to someone and how much it beats them down to the point of not even realizing who they are or, or what their soul is. Right? You almost tend to conform to molding into like a secondary person of the person that you're with. But I can say that through that entire journey, the, the breaking point for me and, and really realizing that things needed to be different and I wasn't supposed to be here, was when my kids repeated at the ages of seven and three, that mommy was the bad guy.

Mm-hmm. you know, there was always arguments and some physical, a lot of more emotional abuse than anything in, in what, in the relationship that I was in. But hearing my kids repeat what he was saying to me is kind of where that light bulb moment really clicked. And it, it made me realize that I, while I could handle what was going on, even though really I wasn't, I couldn't allow my children to grow up to be like that. And that's, that's what started the journey in trying. And it took me two and a half years to get out of that situation. And funny enough, I, I actually worked for a doctor at the time and I dealt with a lot of patients and I had some I constantly talked with and chatted with. And I had someone that constantly came in and I knew worked for the court system.

So I was just asking questions after a really bad altercation at home. And I'm not really sure what happened, but I do believe that it was divine intervention because I spilled my guts for some odd reason, which was not very typical of me. And I was forced to make a decision. And I, what he told me was, is I actually worked for the domestic abuse section in the court system. And what you've told me means that there is harm to you and your children. So you can do one of two things. I can take care of this for you and I can call the police or you can call 'em yourself. And so that

Started night, right then in that moment there you were just like, bam, it's in my face, I've gotta deal with it now. This is the, this is the moment. Yep. So how did you, how did you get through that moment? Now you, I mean, I imagine you must have been scared and like a lot of feelings going on, right?

Oh yeah. The emotions, I, I, I can't even compare it to, to anything else that, that I've ever been through. You know, there was that point of fear and there was that point of, oh, I'll just deal with it. And then once I was kind of hit with this, like, you need to make a decision, it's, it was extremely overwhelming. But at the same time, there was a, a part of peace, right? That it was like, okay, like I have no freaking clue what the hell's about to happen. I was renting a house, I didn't have anywhere to go. I had a good job. That was the end. And I kind of was like, screw it. And I just took the leap after bawling my eyes out in the bathroom, for a good 10 or 15 minutes before, like really kind of getting myself together and being like, you know, like, you can do this. Right? And that was definitely probably one of the scariest moments of my life was stepping into and off that ledge and jumping into the darkness and hoping right, that I would land on the bottom on my feet and not break my back.

Yes. Because you had no experience with that, with those choices, and you had been mm-hmm. , emotionally, mentally abused for so long. I imagine your confidence, your self-esteem was pretty low. And then here's this little angel sitting there in the courthouse who's like, lady, this is your choice. .

Yep. . That's, yeah. So you took

That leap Leap. Yeah.

Yeah. That was, that was the hardest part. what followed after really tested my strength, making sure that my kids were okay, were, was the very first and complete priority. Right. I knew that I had been through enough and I could figure it out. And so that wasn't my concern. I immediately reached out to my family, which I had been disconnected with on and off over the eight years. And I told them what I did and I told them what happened. And of course they opened me or open arms welcome me back in. I moved into a one bedroom that they had available at the house with my two kids. They were 10 and seven. when I, when I got out of it. And it was, it was an interesting journey. It wasn't what I guess I was kind of thinking, which was, okay, I move out, he'll be arrested, I'll go to court, and like, that'll be the end because then I had to prove in court what happened.

And then I had to have the testimony. You have to go back up and tell your story 10 different times it feels like, to all these different people that like no one believes what you're saying, right? Because they've heard so many people that have been through abusive situations and it just feels like you're being completely written off. And to go through that and have to muster up the courage to constantly retell your story and get people to believe you was really hard. And then on top of that, dealing with also working through him, being able to see my youngest one, my youngest one was his biologically, my oldest one was not. So when we went to court to fight for custody, hadn't, they could have cared less about my oldest one. That was the end. He was done. They didn't care. And I was in a weird situation where his mother had been in the court system for 20 years, so she had a lot of connections. And I really struggled with that because every time I told my story and every time I told people and I mustered up the courage to let people know who I was and what I had been through, it really felt like it was just constantly being smashed.

Oh, that sounds awful. That would've, you just must be made of some really strong cloth or something , because , I mean, just, just that whole cycle. Yeah. It was very, very messy. There's nothing easy about going through those sorts of changes in the whole court system and all, everything that has to unfold, all the unraveling and the fighting and then the new agreements and all that stuff. And you were also taking a lot mm-hmm. on a personal level where people didn't get things. How did you stay strong and courageous through all of that? Kath?

I would love to say that it was all internal and I just, I actually faked it. if I'm being completely honest, I faked it through a lot. I used my kids as my gleaming piece of hope. I knew that I had to do it for them. Like that was my sole. And then I distracted myself with absolutely anything I possibly could. I put myself back in school. So I went in an online college to finish my degree and I went I did that at night while they were sleeping. So I'd stay up till like midnight doing work to keep myself busy. and then when I wasn't working 45, 50 something hours a week at a job, I couldn't say no to for absolutely anything. I was people pleasing to everybody else. So if my parents needed something, if my sister needed something, if friends needed something, anything and everything I could do to not have to sit alone with my thoughts is what I did for the first year of leaving that abusive relationship. And when I wasn't busy doing that, I was busy making up for all the things my kids and I never got to do. So we were always going out hiking or they were going to a swimming hole, or we were doing something so that I could make up for all the times that we were not allowed to leave the house.

Yes. So a lot of overcompensation, I mean, it, a lot of those things were good. Right. And it is so awesome that you really were able to be in that mother role and keep your kids as the most important focus, but you were also weren't really getting your needs met, so you were doing more than probably you needed to, but distracting yourself sounds like pretty healthy ways, but, and all the people pleasing, I'm am curious, a lot of my listeners tend to fall into the people pleasing mode. So , when did you figure that part out and how did you overcome it?

Oh gosh. I would love to say, oh, shortly after that it took me , it took me several years after the first year, getting close to the first year, I, I started actually having breathing issues at work randomly throughout the day. And we couldn't figure out what was happening. And my blood pressure kept dropping. So my doctor was like, you need to go see someone. I was sent to one doctor, I had to wear a heart monitor for 24 hours. I actually had to go see a heart specialist. I had a thousand extra beats and a 24 hour period.

Wait a second, wait a second. And nobody

Could figure out why.

Like, you, you're not even that old. Like, how old were you when you were having heart problems?

I was, let's see, one year after the, so 28, 29 that is, oh, I mean, my heart just goes out to you. Like that must have been really, really scary and intense to be going through that at such a young age, just from all the stressors. how did you just manage your day to day through that time?

I, funny enough, I learned that if, if I could lean back in my chair, put my hands on my chest and breathe, it would go away. It just took a little while, right? And I finally decided, cause I put my kids in therapy when I first left, but I didn't put myself in it cause I didn't wanna have the conversation. I didn't wanna talk to people. So I didn't put myself in therapy after that first year. And that's when I realized that I had anxiety, I had P T S D and I was, I had been brainwashed. And so that's when everything was kind of really opened up. And I figured that out because funny enough, I was actually sitting at work and I was writing out some forms and I looked at the date and it hit me and I was like, oh my God, I have not dealt with anything for an entire year and it's my one year anniversary for leaving him.

Mm. So all of those emotions came to the surface. Like the body knew like, you're done. You are safe, you've been away long enough. Like now it's time to deal with it. and that is when I realized like, holy crap, this, can't I, this isn't gonna work. Right? So I put myself in therapy and I started working through that, and I started learning breathing techniques. It took several years to really start building up the confidence to stop people pleasing. I had to start very small in putting myself first or just not saying yes to everything. And I didn't at that time know how to say, you know, no, I don't wanna do this. So I figured out ways around that I would make up excuses or I would say, yeah, you know, that sounds great, but I've got a blah, blah, blah, blah.

But what ended up happening was, is in, by, by doing that in such small increments, I was actually building up my own self-esteem and my own courage to start getting braver and braver and braver till it got to the point where it was a lot easier to just be like, yeah, you know what? I'm just not into that. Yeah, I'm sorry. I just can't deal with that. And I have to say, as, as bad as it sounds, I, I had a, a lady that I worked with that constantly was complaining and I was always trying to help her, anything I could. And as I was kind of going through this process, I realized about three months in, like, you're not doing anything I've told you to do. You're just complaining. And I had a moment and I just yelled at her and I was like, stop.

I was like, you are wasting my time. I was like, I am a single mother with two kids who just went through abuse that has one home that just bought her first car at the age of 28. And you're bitching about your , you're complaining about your situation of not being able to pay your bills. And it's just you, like, I just, I don't know what, I laid it out.

Tessa:

You had enough.

Kat:

And I was like, I, I did. And I, I was like, until you were ready to actually do something for yourself, I do not wanna hear it anymore. I then later apologized, but I told her, I was like, I do stand by what I say, I do not wanna hear it anymore. All you do is complain. And I do not want negativity in my life because negativity breeds negativity and I'm tired of it. And that was really kind of the first step into like a piece of empowerment to be like, oh, I can tell everybody this . Oh yeah,

The world doesn't come crashing down. It's amazing. So there you were and you finally found your voice and you're just like telling it like it is. That had to feel really, really different than you felt all that, those number of years.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I stood for myself during my arguments and stuff, but I was always put down and then I always, you know, kind of second guessed myself and I'm like, okay, well maybe he's right. Like, but this was totally different. The, it was, I knew what I was saying and I believed in what I was saying and I knew that nobody could change that for me. And yeah, that it was very empowering and that was kind of like the start of propelling me forward, in, in starting to really slowly but starting to stand behind what I believed in instead of what everybody else was saying.

That's so amazing. I love that you just kind of blurted it out and then you're like, this feels good. I'm gonna keep rolling with it. And that helped you, that was a healing moment for you, right? And it didn't necessarily look great. Yeah. Like you apologize and all that, but you know, you knew some part of you knew that you had the right to say that. So if, if you were to think about like that moment and you had your opinion and you just had that certainty, what did that feel like in your body?

Hmm. If I had to go back to that moment, I think it was, it was more of a feeling of this doesn't align. Like, something in my body was like, this just doesn't make sense. And so it's kind of like, you know, when people are telling you lies and you're like, ah, I know that you're lying to me. It was kind of like that. And from there it was this sense of like, this has to stop. You know? I don't even think I had a had time to even kind of process the whole thing, but I knew in my heart and in my body that I, it couldn't keep going this way. And I was tired of being lied to essentially is what I felt like.

Oh, I love that. Yeah. So you'd been trained to listen to lies and absorb those for so long, but you, as you were coming out of that, you're like, oh, I smell that. No, no, no. , I'm gonna put a stop to that BS now. I love it. Yeah. You're a brave ass woman, Kat. I love how you have just such this fantastic spirit and, and lots of power. There's a lot of power behind your small frame. You,

I appreciate

. Okay. So I wanna know if there's one thing you'd like to leave with my listeners today, a tip or piece of advice on anything having to do could be a bound around setting boundaries or like listening to yourself, what would you like them to know?

Oh my goodness. The first thing I would say is do not take everybody's words as your own truth. That would be the first thing. Do not, because I ingrained so many things that did not align with who I know I am as a person. And I made those my own truths. So anytime you hear anyone say anything to you, you need to ask yourself if it's something that really is you and it's true, or if it's their truth. And I would definitely say that, you know, when it comes to boundaries, it's not always easy to just up and change it. And why don't you just stop this? You do have to take very small micro steps to get yourself in that position. And if that means, you know, in order to tell someone no, you have to make an excuse or, oh, I just can't find the time on my calendar and you have to apologize, that's fine. Do that. Because I promise you, when you start doing that, there is a sense of empowerment that starts to build and you'll get a little braver and you'll start to talk a little bit more honest and you'll start letting people know on a different level. But you have to build up your own inner confidence and courage to be able to get to that boundary place. It's not something you can just cut off right at the leg and be like, we are good. It doesn't work that way.

It so does not work that way. And I'm a big fan of the baby steps, the microsteps nicheing it down, like really getting, you know, granular so to speak. Like, this is a little baby step I can take right today or right in this moment because that magic thing just, it just doesn't happen all at once. There's, it's gotta be embodied, felt, and kind of come out of us eventually. Yeah, we emerge, right? And you certainly did into a beautiful woman who's doing great things in the world. I want you to tell people how they can get in touch with you, Kat.

Oh my goodness. So you can find me on LinkedIn, Facebook, or Instagram at Kat Polsinelli. I'm all over the place. And you can check out my podcast, real chat with Kat, find me at my website as well, agent Services. Plus they're gonna be doing some, some rebranding on that. But that's the easiest way to find me.

Kat, I wanna thank you for being with us here today and sharing your story and how you said yes to your soul.