Self-love has become a buzz word, but as Christians we have our doubts about the importance of becoming self-centered and happy with our mistakes.

What if you could have both the benefits of accepting yourself with unconditional love AND the desire to follow God's command of constant improvement?

That's what this episode is about: how and why to develop a relationship with yourself as a humble follower of God.

Want to start a business but feeling overwhelmed? Join my Finding Your Side Hustle Course and learn the step-by-step process for starting the business you've been dreaming of.

Ready for one-on-one guidance? Schedule a free coaching call with me so we can make progress on your dreams.

Microphone (HyperX SoloCast):

You're listening to episode 42

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of burning brightly learning

who you are and how to love her.

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This is burning brightly, a podcast

for Christian moms who are feeling

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called to build a business and

share their light with the world.

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I'm Bonnie Wiscombe, a life

coach, mom, and entrepreneur.

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And I'm honored to be your guide as you

face this business building adventure full

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of highs, lows, and everything in between.

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This is where we help each

other find the courage to shine.

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Microphone (HyperX SoloCast):

Hello, my friend.

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Welcome back to burning brightly.

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I cannot wait to talk about how to get to

know yourself and how to love yourself.

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And why it is so important.

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So first off let's talk about

relationships for a second.

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Relationships are kind of a make or

break of our happiness and this life.

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Am I right?

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You have good relationships in your life?

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Spouse family, extended

family, friends, acquaintances.

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Business associates and it really.

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I can make life so much

easier and so much happier.

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Now does that mean we can't be happy

without good happy relationships?

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No, of course not.

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We know how to manage our minds,

which means we can be happy.

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Or choose to feel something

else, any time we want.

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But relationships are important for

other reasons as well for our mental

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health, for our support in this life.

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Every relationship is not created equal.

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Obviously some relationships are

way more important than others.

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I think we can all agree that the number

one most important relationship we have

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in our life is that with God, if we do not

have a good relationship with God, it will

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affect literally every area of our life.

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Every aspect of our life

will be negatively affected.

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If we do not have a positive.

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Continuous connecting

relationship with our creator.

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But I think that the second most important

relationship, second, only to the one with

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God is the relationship with ourselves.

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Why.

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Because no matter what happens,

you never leave yourself.

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You always have to have a relationship

with yourself because you're always here.

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You might.

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And a marriage, you might lose a child.

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You might end relationships that are

important to you, whether you choose to

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do so, or it's outside of your choice,

but the fact of the matter is you will

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have to have some sort of a relationship

with yourself for the rest of your life.

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Now, many people don't know that this

is a thing they don't even consider

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themselves as a necessary person

to cultivate a relationship with.

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Or they don't think it's important if

they have thought of the concept before.

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But there can be so many negative effects

of a bad relationship with yourself.

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These can include sadness,

depression, anxiety.

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They can include frustration and

impatience with ourselves and with others.

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Being hypercritical or having

unrealistic expectations again

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with ourself or with others.

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Having a very black and white view of

the world, which often leads to a lack of

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compassion or empathy that can come from.

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Uh, bad or unhealthy

relationship with yourself.

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Addiction or self destructive

behaviors come from this as well.

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Poor relationships with

friends and loved ones.

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I can be.

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Traced back to a negative

relationship with yourself.

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And just an overall feeling of chaos or

dissatisfaction with life in general.

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So clearly we all want

to avoid these things.

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We don't want to struggle with addiction.

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We don't want to lack compassion

or empathy for others.

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We want to be sad and depressed

and anxious all the time.

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But if we do not have a good

relationship with ourselves,

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Some of these consequences

are likely to happen.

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So what in the world does this even mean?

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How do you develop a

relationship with one self?

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What does that look like?

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Well, we're gonna break it down

today into three main areas.

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Those are identity understanding and.

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Really embracing your identity.

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Your purpose, understanding

and embracing that as well,

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choosing a purpose for your life.

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And then the third one is

acceptance of yourself.

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Okay, so identity.

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What is your identity?

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Who are you?

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How do you know who you are?

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So why is identity so important?

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Well, there is a reason why

certain shifts in life create major

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emotional and mental upheaval.

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It's because they mess with

the idea of our identity.

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So things like becoming a

parent, think about what you felt

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like when you became a parent.

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Or if you ever lost a child or

another close family member.

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If you went through divorce.

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Retirement.

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Became an empty nester.

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Graduated from college, got a majorly.

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Different job than you had

before or lost a job left a job.

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Started a business, went

through a faith crisis.

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All of these things have the ability

to shake who we believe we are.

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And when our identity is messed

with, it affects so much in life.

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So what we want to do

is we want to become.

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Unshakable in the knowledge of who

we are so that when these big life

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events happen, it doesn't crush us.

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It doesn't destroy us because we

know who we are and it doesn't have

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anything to do with the activities and

the things that happen in our life.

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When our identity shifts or is threatened.

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It really can shake the bedrock of

who we believe we are and what we

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think we're doing with our lives.

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Like what's the point of life.

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If I've always thought that being

a mother was my most important

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identity and now my kids are gone.

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It's terrifying.

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And to that point, one of the most

common instances I see of this

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as a coach, Who talks to a lot of

moms is when kids get bigger and

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they start going to school becoming

teenagers, becoming more independent,

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and then eventually leave home.

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That can be very, very catastrophic

for a woman who has created an

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identity around being a mother.

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Now being a mother is a wonderful thing.

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We have to really acknowledge that

it is a role in a relationship.

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It's not an identity.

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If your child heaven forbid dies.

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Or they rebel.

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They leave home.

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They choose not to have

a relationship with you.

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What does that mean about you?

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Are you still valuable?

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Do you still have a purpose in life?

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Are you worthy of love if your

child does any of these things?

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Are there other identities, maybe

you sometimes clean too hard, too.

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I personally have realized a lot in

my adult years that I clean very hard

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to the idea of being productive, being

someone who is useful or, or even busy.

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I actually hate the word busy,

but I like the concept of always

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doing and going and being useful.

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When I get sick and I have to

slow down or I'm bored for some

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reason, I really struggle that as

an identity that I have adopted.

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That is not necessary.

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And it's something I have to battle.

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Now I think we know, I hope we know

that our main and most important

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identity should be that of child of God.

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All others are secondary to this.

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So be really cautious of cleaning to any

identity that pulls you away from God.

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Or.

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That can be taken from you.

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If you identify as.

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Blank.

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And that is something that can

be taken from you by someone else

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or just circumstances of life.

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Then you're setting yourself up for some

major upheaval at some point during life.

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Now, why do we cling really hard to.

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Other identities besides

being a child of God.

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Well, because we get something out of it.

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Generally, we get a sense of purpose.

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We get a sense of accomplishment.

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We, we like to feel fulfilled

or like we belong somewhere.

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We feel better.

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And so we cling hard to it.

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That is just how life goes.

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Anything that makes us feel better.

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We want to hold on to.

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This isn't a bad thing necessarily.

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We just have to be aware

of it so that we are.

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Not taking our worth from these roles.

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Now, luckily being a child of

God gives us all of these things.

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It gives us a sense of

purpose of accomplishment.

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We can feel fulfilled and like

we belong, but it might not be

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as obvious to see how that works

with this identity as with others.

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Right.

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As a mom, it's very obvious.

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How I feel fulfilled.

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I do so by pouring my time and

energy and love into my children.

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As a trial of God, I have

to work a little bit harder.

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Right.

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I have to immerse myself

in my faith community.

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I have to help other people.

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I have to obey.

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God's commandments, it takes a

little bit more work, but it is so

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crucial if that's our main identity.

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Now, speaking of purpose, that

leads us to the second pillar

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of how to understand who we are.

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And to love ourselves.

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We have to figure out our purpose.

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A sense of purpose or meaning is

essential to our need to survive

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and thrive as a human being.

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It is built into us.

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Imagine if we didn't have this need

for meaning or purpose in life.

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We would all just be sitting around.

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Shoving our faces full of garbage

and watching Netflix all day long.

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In fact, we see kind of some.

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Side effects of a lack of

purpose in our community.

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These days, people that are

just kind of wandering aimless.

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We see a lot of depression

suicidal ideation, some really

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terrible maladies because people

don't have a sense of purpose.

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And of course, as Christians, we know

that's because people draw away from God.

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They don't understand what

their true identity, they don't

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understand their true purpose.

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But unlike identity, purpose is something

that can shift and change and that's okay.

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I actually personally believe that boredom

and not being challenged are way worse

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for us than hard struggles and trials.

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Because those struggles and trials.

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Make us better.

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They make us stand up.

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Show up.

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Work hard and, and lean on God.

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I think we start to die a little inside

when we don't have a reason to wake up

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every day, which again, when your purpose

shifts changes in any way, or you lose

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a purpose that requires some adapting.

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So, what is your purpose

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like I said, unlike identity, there's

no right answer to this, except for how

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it fits with your identity as a child of

God, to follow him, love as Christ does,

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but we can have other purposes as well.

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And like I said, these

shift over our lifetime.

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So about 10 years ago, my main

purpose in my day to day activities

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was a lot different than it is now.

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It was to keep at the time,

six, very small children alive.

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And homeschool them without

completely losing my mind.

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My oldest was eight.

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My youngest was one.

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It was a lot of chaos.

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A lot of things required of me.

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And it was a struggle.

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I also, however, had purpose

in my church community.

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I had purpose as a friend.

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I had purpose as a family member in

my own family and my extended family.

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I also found some purpose

in being a blogger because

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that's kind of when I started.

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My entrepreneurship journey and

started learning how to put some

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good out into the world as a blogger.

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It was really fun.

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Now today, my purpose

has shifted a little bit.

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I still have purpose as a mom

and two more children now.

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I have purpose as a wife, still a

member of a church congregation.

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Now also as a life coach,

I love coaching others.

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And that gives me a great sense

of purpose and accomplishment.

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Again, as a business

owner, also as a friend,

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so some have stayed, some have shifted.

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My purpose as a mom is a little bit

less exhausting and all consuming, but

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it is a little bit different as I'm

starting to see my children leave home

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and prepare them for the real world.

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So your purpose will shift

while your identity does not.

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Some phases of life might be

actually harder to discover

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your purpose than others.

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Like I said, retirement or empty nesters.

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When all of a sudden you have

a lot of stuff going on in

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your life and now it's gone.

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Or maybe your spouse passes

away or you get divorced.

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Or maybe you're single and

you want to be married.

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That's going to be a shift in

purpose, what you thought it was

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going to be versus what it is now.

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So, what is the purpose?

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Well, it's anything that makes

a positive change in the world.

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If you have any way of affecting positive

change, that can be your purpose.

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Do you have any chance to spread

love and light in your world?

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Are you able to be an example of kindness?

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Christ-like love.

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Do you have a chance to build

something that matters and it's

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going to change people's lives?

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And if not, why not?

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What are you waiting for?

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This can be something huge, like starting

a business or a nonprofit, like we

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talked about here or it can be something

so teeny tiny, like just talking to a

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lonely neighbor who doesn't get out much.

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But when we are wallowing in misery,

for whatever reason, Finding purpose

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outside of ourselves will heal us.

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That's why we talk about

going out and serving somebody

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else when we are miserable.

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It distracts us from our own frustrations

and it gives us that sense of purpose.

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It's a beautiful, beautiful thing.

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Okay, so identity, purpose, number

three, acceptance and self love.

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Now.

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Self-love comes in many

different shapes and forms.

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And we're going to talk about it

from a Christian perspective today,

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which might be a little bit different

than what you've heard before.

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Acceptance and self-love is not

loving your mistakes and imperfections

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and never try and improve yourself.

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Because you're perfect.

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Just the way you are.

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Okay.

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This is the world counterfeit.

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To how God has taught us to love.

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And it's not in keeping

with Christ teachings.

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We're talking about loving

ourselves as God loves us.

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Unconditionally.

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But with a desire to change and

grow and improve, kind of like

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how you love your children.

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Do you love your children or you

try to unconditionally, right?

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You still want them to grow and

learn and better themselves.

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You don't want them to stay stagnant

and imperfect, so that's a very

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small shift in meaning, but I

think it's a really important one.

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Those who try to love themselves

and justify their mistakes

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because they're perfect the way

they are only find more misery.

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We know that our souls know

that we are not perfect and

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that we won't be in this life.

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And there's this constant.

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Friction there.

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We want to be better.

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We want to be better.

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But we're also still worthy

of love in our imperfection.

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And that is what makes us want to

change again, back to parenting.

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When you love your child,

he is inspired to do better.

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When you withhold love until

you think he's worthy of it.

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He grows up with a lot of problems.

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He grows up neglected,

unhappy, perpetually, trying

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to earn love and acceptance.

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And that causes a lot of issues

as I'm sure many of us have seen.

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We do not withhold love from

ourselves until we do better.

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We give lots of love and then

we're inspired to do better.

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This works with ourselves as well

as it does with other people.

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Now there are two episodes

I've done already on this show.

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That really go hand-in-hand with this one.

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Episode number five, developing

compassion for yourself.

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Highly recommend listening to that one.

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If you haven't yet.

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And episode 15 worth versus works,

both of those are really, really great

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to fully understand this concept.

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If you want to dive in

a little bit deeper.

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If you personally struggled with

self criticism and beating yourself

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up, I promise you these episodes

will help you get started on an

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incredible path to healing and growth.

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It will be some of the

greatest work you'll do.

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So go dive in there.

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Now a few questions to ask yourself

in regards to accepting yourself.

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Are you comfortable

with your own presence?

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Do you value yourself for who you are

and not for who you're trying to become.

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Are you comfortable with boredom

or not accomplishing things?

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Or is your worth tied to how you

perform and the things that you do?

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Would a younger, you want

to be your friend right now?

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Are you loving and accepting of the

weakest most vulnerable parts of yourself?

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Or do you have contempt for them?

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That's really important.

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I love the concept of becoming my

own best friend learning to do.

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This has been one of the

most revolutionary things

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I've ever done for myself.

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And in order to do this, we have

to think about how we would treat a

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best friend who was outside of us.

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I try to treat my best friends

with love and acceptance.

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I compliment them.

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I encourage them.

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I dream with them and uplift them.

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I might give my best friend some hard

love sometimes, say, you know what?

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You've been kind of a brat lately.

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Let's straighten up a

little bit, but I love you.

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You don't let her be a jerk to you,

but you're also not a jerk back.

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You're very kind and loving in how you.

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Give that tough love.

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You respect her and you

expect her to respect you.

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This is kind of meta when we're talking

about ourselves, but just bear with me.

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You might hold your best friend

when she needs to cry or be angry.

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You show up for your best friend again

and again and again, when she needs

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you, even if she's being terrible.

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You acknowledged that when she

messes up, you apologize to

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each other and you stay friends.

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And again, very important when

someone mistreats your best friend,

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you stand up for her and you help

her out of bad relationships.

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You guys, if we are able to do

this for ourselves, we no longer

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have to look outside ourselves.

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For the support and love that we need.

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We have it all within

ourselves and from God.

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We don't have to stay in

unhealthy relationships.

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We don't have to bury

ourselves in addictions.

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We don't have to hide from our emotions

or chase acceptance, because we're

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trying to be perfect all the time.

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We can just be and love

ourselves as God loves us.

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How beautiful is that?

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In the end.

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This core relationship with ourself

is essential for our emotional

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health and for our performance

in every single area of life.

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If this relationship is messy or ugly,

I promise you it will affect everything.

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And I know that God wants you to

love yourself, except yourself,

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understand your identity as his child,

and to find a purpose in this life,

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It will be such an incredible journey.

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So get started on this try it out.

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Let me know how it changes you.

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We'll talk next week.