Have you ever had a conversation or situation feel that the other person that is involved with it, whether directly or indirectly, was full of “kidding around”, instead of “I am around”? Did you ever feel isolated as a result, making you feel that they do not take you seriously and damaging important relationships to move forward in the future conversations that you may have? Today’s episode examines the importance of not only sharing what is on your mind, but how to diffuse the “kidding around” into positive results that you set out to have. It’s OK to have fun moments, but to also know when it is time to get down to business, and how to engage in meaningful conversations going “off the rails” is important to distinguish.

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Intro/Outro By: Michael Dugan, Podcast Host: Voice4Chefs

Welcome to the podcast where relationships, confidence, and

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determination all converge into

an amazing, heartfelt experience.

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This is Speaking From The Heart.

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Joshua: Welcome back to episode number

123 of Speaking From The Heart, and

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yeah, I'm not going to mess around today.

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I'm not going to even try to make fun of

this whole subject matter that we're going

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to discuss, because today, although I feel

like I might be kidding around sometimes,

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I'm actually really trying to be serious,

and I'm really trying to communicate

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something of particular importance,

and, you might be thinking, "Sure.

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Yeah you are.

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Let's think about all the times in

which you poked fun at all the different

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subjects that you've covered on this

podcast.", but I think then you're not

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really listening to what I've been really

sharing, which is some authentic truth to

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sometimes the conversations that we should

be having in this ever-changing world.

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I often find it interesting that people

have struggles of trying to "kid around",

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which I use in air quotes, instead of,

"Am I around?", because don't you ever

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feel isolated, especially when somebody

is trying to make a joke or trying to

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make fun of a situation, but you're not

quite feeling like you're resonating

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with what they're trying to say?

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Do you even understand why they were

even joking in the first place, maybe

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even having the conversation that

they're having with you for that matter?

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I feel that this kidding around might

be even a defense mechanism sometimes

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for some people to try to poke fun

at sometimes a very serious situation

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that doesn't want to be addressed,

and I know that for many of us, those

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conversations, they can be light hearted.

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They should be things that are

lighthearted, but for others that

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might have different brain styles and

different ways in which they're trying

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to process what's around them, and might

not know exactly what's going on, you

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might be doing more harm than good.

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I know that this conversation that I'm

about to have with you today on this

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episode might go off the rails very

quickly, and you might be even giving some

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challenging perspective about what I'm

really trying to share, but keep in mind,

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this is just an opinion of your podcast

host, and the fact of the matter is, many

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of the circumstances that I have been

faced in my life, the very own Joshua D.

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Smith that's speaking to you, come from

a variety of different things that have

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happened in my life that I didn't really

find it to be funny, and as a result of

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people thinking that it's funny, they

think that I have to laugh at it, that

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I really have to pay some sort of homage

to what they're trying to do, and if it

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isn't quite clear what I'm talking about

yet, let's put it in this perspective.

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While somebody might think it's funny to

hurt someone with your words and maybe

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even the things that you do, it's not

really funny to somebody else that has

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faced trauma, depression, even felt a

sense of disconnection from somebody

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else as a result of their actions; the

things that they've done, and overall,

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they might not even feel funny about

anything that you're trying to say

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or even convey in a humorous nature.

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I can't believe that I have to say

that, and probably for some of you

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that are listening to this, you

already know what I'm talking about.

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You probably understand exactly what

that feeling is, but yet, for others,

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they have no clue, no comprehension,

because the things that they have

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to experience throughout their life,

even the things that they have dealt

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with, don't even hold a candle to what

we're talking about today, so when

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we're kidding around, you should be

really asking them, "Are you around

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to even listen to what I have to say?"

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I think this stems from many of the

conversations that we should be having

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so that we avoid conflict, which, on

this podcast, we've mentioned numerous

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times about my favorite book of all time,

the Crucial Conversations for Mastering

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Dialogue, now in its third edition, with

the authors of Kerry Patterson, Joseph

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Grenny, and many others, but I think

that that book starts to talk about this

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concept, but doesn't dig deep enough,

which is why I want to dig a little

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bit deeper today on why it's important

to acknowledge the other person's

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feelings, maybe even touch point with

them about why it's important to listen

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to what they have to say, or maybe what

they're not saying for that matter.

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That's right.

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Here at Your Speaking Voice, we're

not just talking about the words

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that we're using, we're talking about

the actions that also tell a story.

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They also have meaningful connection.

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Whether it's a good thing or a bad thing,

we have to address what is underneath

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the surface, and I think that the best

way that we're ever going to understand

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how to have that connection, to have that

relationship with someone else, is that

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we have to listen to our conversations

and how we're going about them, but we

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also have to acknowledge the big elephant

in the room: somebody else's perspective.

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I know that dreaded thing in which we

actually have to respect what someone

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else has to say, but if you think about

it, we should be listening to that

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other person's perspective, that brings

meaningful value into that pool of shared

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meaning, especially with what we've talked

about with the Crucial Conversations

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book, of how we're able to contribute to

the overall ending of that conversation.

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It is so important to be able to

theorize and understand why it's

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so important to listen to what

that other person has to say.

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It's very hard to be able to unlock that,

especially if you're in a very challenging

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position in which you have to realize and

recognize that the emotions, the feelings,

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and the thoughts that are swarming

around, don't easily come to fruition with

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other people that are dealing with this.

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They don't know how to articulate the word

structure that's involved with it because

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they've never been approached before

on this type of conversation, so when

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we talk about understanding what other

people have to say or what they have to

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acknowledge as part of the conversation,

we have to open up that dialogue.

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We have to create that safe space to

be able to do that, but the emotions

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that we connect ourselves with, the

very thoughts, feelings and emotions,

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means that we have to have a resonance.

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Our spirit has to manifest into connecting

with that other person so that we're on

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equal wavelength, because if the energy

patterns are not even equaling, not

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even coming close for that matter, to

what that other person is feeling, the

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conversation and everything that goes

alongside of it, will never happen in

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the way that you thought imaginable.

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Sound familiar?

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We've had many different guests on

the show that have talked about energy

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patterns and buildings and other

sort of architectural structures.

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We've had people that talk about the

energy levels that surround us through

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our childhood into even the teenage

years, into young adults, into even

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being older adults for that matter.

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All of those do manifest into this

connectivity that we're talking about

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today, because if we don't have that

connection and we're not able to be

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taken seriously, they are going to

think that you're messing around.

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They are thinking that you are

not worthy of their time or their

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consideration, and I find it really

disheartening because I think everybody

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has this opportunity to feel connected.

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We should be all valuing our energy

levels, our ability to connect.

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We are human creatures after all.

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We need to feel a lot more comfortable

about the things that we're talking

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about, but also the things that we do

talk about as topics need to be respected,

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and respect is something that is very

hard to find, especially nowadays, when

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you can easily go on social media and be

bombarded by all hate, negativity, and

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no respect to the opposite viewpoint.

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You even see the dysfunction, especially

of politicians being able to work

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together, being able to see the common

cause and go over those concessions,

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those abilities that we should all have

to be able to negotiate, delegate, and

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discuss to be able to be on equal footing.

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I think the most important relationships

that we have are for the people that want

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to hear us and what we have to say, and if

we disrespect the process that's involved

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with it, you might as well forget about

ever holding a Crucial Conversation,

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but before I go off more on a path of

Crucial Conversation, let's refocus on

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the fact that this is about emotions.

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This is about whether you're

being taken seriously or not,

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and that's a confidence factor.

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In confidence, we're trying to feel

a lot better about the things that

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we're trying to do; to feel like

we are an expert, an authority.

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Whether that is in parenting, whether

that's being a teacher, whether that

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is being a business person, regardless

of the nature in which you're trying to

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achieve this, each of us are trying to

garner the respect of somebody else, but

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do we need to be known as a jokester to be

able to become a lot better at our craft?

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It's funny because when I talk about

this subject, I think about the fact

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that I use humor as a defense mechanism.

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I use it because I've always been

afraid of what other people might

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think about some of the thoughts that I

have, because I know that the thoughts

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that I have are very black and white.

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They're not very concrete.

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They're not very colorful.

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Sometimes, I am pigeonholing myself

into this corner of not being able to

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negotiate, to address the situations

and the feelings that I'm feeling.

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As a result of that, the connections that

I have often tend to be very surface.

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They're not very deep, and as a result

of that, people think that I'm trying to

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be funny, when oftentimes, if they would

ask the right questions, if they would

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probe a little bit deeper, especially

in the moment when things are really

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turning sour, they might be able to get

a lot more out of me, and what I have

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is thoughts, feelings, and emotions

as it relates to the subject matter.

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In other words, having that

meaningful connection when you think

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that someone is funny, might be

something a little bit deeper going

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on than you ever thought imaginable.

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I think that we have to figure out a

little bit more about what it means

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to dig below the surface instead of

feeling like we have to go to this

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big, overarching conversation about why

something happened in the first place.

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We feel isolated, we feel insecure

about certain subject matters or certain

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things, because I think it's always

about what we have going on in our lives.

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I think that we always think

that we have to overachieve.

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We have to be able to say to ourselves,

"This is okay to feel", but at the same

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time, having that conversation about why

it's important to discuss what's going

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on can help us to focus, to achieve

more clarity, instead of running around,

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having that in the back of our minds, and

distracting us from the bigger picture.

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As I even mentioned in a previous episode,

having the distractions of somebody, even

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something for that matter, that doesn't

allow us to become the best version of

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who we are, often times means that we

have to overcome , not just the problems

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that we have in our lives, but also

the problems that other people have.

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We have to be our own coaches

sometimes when it comes to

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addressing what is really happening.

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To get to the bottom of it though, means

that we have to stop kidding around and

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start examining what's really important as

to why that person feels the way they do.

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Businesses spend so much

time resolving conflict.

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In a recent study that I read within

the last year, puts it at about

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three hours out of an eight hour

workday, in which many managers and

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bosses have to resolve that conflict

that's happening in the workplace.

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Imagine spending more than almost

half your day addressing conflict,

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and not being able to do your work.

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Why wonder we are least productive,

because we're always trying to

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put out a fire, because somebody

doesn't know how to defuse conflict.

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In other words, instead of worrying

about why they're kidding around

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and joking around, they're not

looking at what's below the surface.

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The next time that you have a conversation

with someone, and you're saying to

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yourself, "Why is this person kidding

around?", maybe they have something

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deeper happening in their lives.

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Maybe they truly are kidding around,

and maybe it's a Friday afternoon,

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in which there isn't very much work,

and you're just beating down the

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clock before you get to head out the

door, or sign off from your computer,

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for that matter, and that's okay.

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It's really about understanding how you

can connect, how you can create, and how

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you can endeavor to find that relationship

with someone, or something for that

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matter, that allows you to understand

why somebody is feeling the way they are.

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Now today I'm not asking you to be

"buddy, buddy" with someone that

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you absolutely despise being with.

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I'm actually asking you to open the

door to the possibility of having a

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conversation, to having a negotiation

if you will, of somebody that might

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be feeling a little bit down in the

dumps, but isn't quite sure how to best

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move forward, and you've seen some of

the patterns that oftentimes patterns

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never happened before in that person.

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Maybe the days in which they were happy

at one point are now looking a little

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bit sadder, or maybe the days, in which

they are looking a little bit happier

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might be because of some things that

have been happening below the surface,

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and maybe they are acting out of turn,

because they're never that kind of

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happy that they're showing right now.

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Now, I'm not asking you to go put on your

detective hat, be Sherlock Holmes or Mr.

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Watson for that matter, and walk

all over England to figure out what

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solving the crime is all about,

especially when you know that all the

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hidden clues are actually visible.

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I'm not asking you to do that.

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What I'm asking you to do is

just pay attention a little bit

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more than you normally would pay

attention, because when people go

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off the rails, something is wrong.

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I know that for many of us, this

might be just fun and games, but

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when we are about ready to get down

to business, and we want to have

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meaningful, engaging conversations,

and that person doesn't want to open

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up, the damage has already been done.

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Something has already happened, and

when you're getting all the laughs

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and chuckles when you're trying to be

serious, now you understand that maybe

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there was something wrong to begin with,

but it was already too late to fix it.

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My hope for you today is that you start

to open your eyes and you see that

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that is not impossible to resolve.

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You can change anything, or everything,

about your life and what you're really

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trying to do, but it's about understanding

and recognizing that we all have faults.

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We all have things that we have to be

serious about, but also at the same time,

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address the concerns, the problems, the

feelings of remorse, guilt, shame, maybe

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even ridicule for that matter, and be

able to have a conversation so that that

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conversation not only resolves conflict

but maybe just resolves a minor difference

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that you have, but, hey, if it's a Friday

afternoon and you're listening to this,

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I would recommend re listening to this

on a Monday, because they might be just

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joking around, but it's about patterns.

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It's about what we see

directly and indirectly.

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It's about taking inventory of what's

all around us, but it's also paying

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attention to the signs that are around

us when they really count the most, so

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the next time that you're messing around,

think about what you might be doing.

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Think about how it might have an impact

on somebody else that might be thinking a

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little bit differently, but, I'm not also

saying that you have to be hypersensitive.

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Maybe have a conversation about what

it means to be a little bit funny with

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that person; maybe they will have a

different perspective, appreciation,

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if you will, of what your viewpoint

is, and if they don't like you,

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even after all of that, that's okay.

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You tried, and, in the coaching

world, we celebrate trying.

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Even if it doesn't succeed, the sheer

effort of you actually applying by

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what you have been taught can make

such a big difference, not just in

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your mindset, but also in what other

people might think about you, and what

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I think about you when you try this?

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I know you're not messing around.

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I know that you're taking it

seriously, and I'm glad for it.

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Thanks for listening to episode

number 123 of Speaking From The

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Heart, and I look forward to

hearing from your heart, very soon.

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Outro: Thanks for listening.

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For more information about our podcast

and future shows, search for Speaking From

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The Heart to subscribe and be notified

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Visit us at www.yourspeakingvoice.biz

for more information about potential

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services that can help you create

the best version of yourself.

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See you next time.