Many young people, maybe just like you — grow up and do well in the world, not just in spite of the difficulties they have known, but maybe even because of them. If you had a hard childhood, you may have developed some of the "powers" described in this podcast episode.

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Transcript

I occasionally tell some stories about my background, but in this episode, I’ll delve a bit deeper than normal, for the sole purpose that I think it will help you with challenges you might be dealing with. So, let me start with a little bit about my background. This is going to be a SUPER high-level synopsis – I could probably write a book on almost every sentence that follows, regarding my experience. If I explained what I learned and how it made me who I am today, there are definitely multiple potential books possible. At a high level, the most important things I learned are the power of forgiveness, understanding and grace for others.

History often repeats itself and as a result, I didn’t learn the lesson from my parents. I got married too young, got divorced and by the time I was 24, I was a single mom, too – a single mom in the Navy. I could have got out of the Navy at that point – but what was I going to do? Go back to my hometown? So – that began 18 years of challenges that I was able to navigate and find my way though. Along the way I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, which would have been another reason to get out of the Navy and go back to that small town. I just kept thinking, then what? Yes – that would be easier – but then I’d imagine my future and more importantly my daughter’s future and I could not see a path to a truly long-term better place unless I stayed on my course and kept trying and fighting to build us a strong foundation.

My goodness, I made so many mistakes along that path and there were so many really hard times, times when I had no idea if it would ever be ok. The only thing that mattered though was that I simply refused to quit, I refused to give up. Eventually, I completed my Bachelor’s degree and was Commissioned as a U.S. Naval Officer. Things did start to improve around that time. I was also able to raise my daughter to be a very successful young lady. She’ll graduate this year from SDSU with a Computer Science degree and she is already working, making more than I did until I was over the age of 30 years old – she is very self-aware, strong and loveable, and perhaps she is the one who will change the cycle. That is too much pressure to put on one person though, so our thing is “Have the day you have.” Which is a quote from the sweet movie “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.” So, now my wish for her is, “Have the life you have, sweet girl.” All I know is I am rooting for her, big time.

Ok, I tell you all of that to lay the foundation for the rest of this episode. You can choose to allow negative events that happened in your past be something which happened TO YOU or they can be something that happened FOR YOU. You can tell the story about your past and about how you came through it, any way you want. It is for you to reflect and decide what will serve you and the life you want. Do you want to believe your life was completely ruined before you were 17 or do you want to believe that no matter where you are today that there is hope for a much better life, a much better outcome?

In the past few months, I read the book “Supernormal: The untold Story of Adversity and Resilience,” by Dr. Meg Jay two times. This book is where the headline of this podcast came from.

In the book she included a long list of the most common adversities children and teens endure. She wrote:

“If you are wondering if you might have been one of those children or teens, ask yourself the following questions. Before the age of twenty: Did you lose a parent or sibling through death or divorce? Did a parent or sibling often swear at you, put you down, humiliate you, isolate you, or act in a way that made you feel afraid? Did you live with a parent or sibling who was a problem drinker, or who abused other drugs? Were you ever bullied by, or afraid of, kids at school or in your neighborhood? Did you live with an adult or sibling who struggled with a mental illness, or some other serious illness or special need? Did a parent or a sibling often push, grab, slap, or throw something at you, or ever hit you so hard that you had bruises, marks, or other injuries? Did you live in a home where you went without clean clothes or enough to eat, you could not afford a doctor, or you felt you had no one to protect you? Did someone in your household go to jail? Did a parent, sibling, or another person at least five years older touch your body in a sexual way or ask you to do something similar? Was a parent or sibling in your household sometimes hit, kicked, or slapped, or ever threatened with a weapon?”

Dr. Jay says these “Family heroes” cannot be simply normal, they must be supernormal.

If they are good enough or smart enough or kind enough, or they work hard enough, then maybe everything will be ok. Family heroes always seem to be saving someone, if only themselves. They become “The strong one” in the bunch, their job is to be helpful in the home and successful in the world. They become honor students or class presidents whose achievements bring much-needed distinction and positive attention to their loved ones. Others become star athletes or accomplished artists whose trophies and talents offset the troubles around. Still others become activists or doctors who set out to do good.

Even though such a high % of high achievers may have overcome some serious adversity their smiles and laughter often camouflage the contrast between what family heroes may see and how they may feel:

• The pressure of always having to be the strong one

• Different Crazy Damaged Alone Worried Exhausted Helpless Hopeless Alert Suspicious Afraid Guilty Withdrawn Judged Hurt Lonely Empty Suicidal Perfectionistic Angry Old Self-pitying Closed off Out of control Depressed Pitied Stuck Misunderstood Ashamed Agitated Unable to concentrate Stupid

List of qualities that make a person resilient: average intelligence, a pleasant or engaging temperament, problem-solving skills, self-control, independence, self-confidence, good communication skills, humor, determination, ability to form friendships, optimism, attractiveness, a sense of faith or meaning, conscientiousness, and some talent or hobby that attracted the attention of others.

The 10 SUPERPOWERS a SUPERNOMAL May have

The ability to make something out of nothing

Essentially, to pull a rabbit out of a hat. As renowned resilience researcher Ann Masten stated, they don’t really have superpowers. Perhaps even more surprising, they use, she said, the “power of the ordinary”—or the everyday attributes that can be found in minds, families, and communities—to make something out of nothing, to make a lot out of a little, to pull a rabbit out of a hat.

Fighting Spirit

“vulnerable, but invincible” adults in retrospect, they understood their own unexpected success, the answer was not all that surprising: The majority reported that determination—a fighting spirit—was their most important asset.

They learn to battle situations, not people

For the family hero, to fight often means to attack a problem. Rather than raging against another person, fighting the good fight is more often about battling back against a situation—poverty, discrimination, abuse, bullying, unfairness, abandonment—whatever the case may be.

STRONG work ethic

They are not afraid to work long and hard without immediate rewards, even in the face of multiple setbacks. Fueled by some original injustice, there is an unwillingness to be beaten, an impulse to fight for one’s own survival and to better one’s circumstances, an imperative to stand up for oneself and for what is right. In fact, they usually feel they have no choice.

Failure is not an option, when they describe themselves, they say, “I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I am determined. I am a scrapper. I am tough. I am strong. I never give up. I just keep going. I do what has to be done. I’m driven. I am a striver. I always find a way. I pick myself up and brush myself off. I do whatever I set my mind to. Backed into a corner, I come out swinging.”

Hypersensitivity to danger Noticing when the environment is awry is a power that many family heroes possess relative to their peers, and even relative to their own other abilities. Almost like a sixth sense about it—and, indeed, research studies about threat detection. They even seem to have a strong ability to read other’s emotions.

Shrewd observer of the world They live in a state of automatic alertness, one that keeps her unconsciously and supremely attuned to subtle changes in the expressions and mannerisms of others. They are like a barometer, always gauging the moods of others in an effort to forecast their behavior.

In their landmark study of hundreds of famous men and women, reaerchers concluded that success often came not from being in the right place at the right time, but from being able to recognize being in the right place at the right time. A sensitive amygdala (A-MIG-DA-LA) helps us pay attention not only to danger but also to opportunity. They scan their environments, looking for chances to be safe—and even happy—until escape becomes possible, and usually that escape comes from spotting a school or a person or a job that will take them somewhere else.

They don’t make excuses.

They move from being a victim to becoming an activist. This redirection of energy from powerlessness toward purposeful activity has long been recognized as therapeutic for trauma and grief—“ Work, work, work. This is the single most important goal of traumatized people throughout the world,”

The ability to visualize the future then set about making it happen

When we fantasize about future selves, the more concrete and actionable a vision the better—and sometimes, the family hero begins by setting her sights simply on some specific thing. A particular job. A faraway city. A quiet home. A safe relationship. An apartment with a doorman. A red car. A school that looks good.

Strong self-control: Self-control is the ability to direct one’s own thoughts, feelings, and behavior, usually as a way to better adapt to the world. A sort of catchall word for how well we resist temptation, delay gratification, regulate our emotions, and work toward what we want, self-control is how we obey rules, follow directions, check emotions, cooperate with others, exercise consistently, eat healthily, keep promises, save money, get to work on time, and work hard. People with more self-control are at a strong advantage for success and achievement. self-control helps us not only say yes to the work that is required in life but also to say no to destructive behaviors that might get in our way.

CONCLUSION:

• there may be no more dangerous judgment about childhood adversity than the notion that you are abnormal because of it.

o They withdraw from people, feeling uncomfortable in the company of others.

o They let people who are not good to them into their lives, because they feel unfamiliar with or unworthy of anything more.

o They collapse with relief into the arms of the so-called normal, only to find out later that those with average and expectable lives have problems, too.

• All too often, these are the ways that an unhappy childhood becomes an unhappy adulthood, and then maybe an unhappy childhood for someone else again.

• Perhaps this is why sometimes I feel an almost desperate urgency to convince them that, contrary to everything they believe, they are not abnormal: They are supernormal. And family heroes are some of the most courageous and compassionate people—some of the best people—I have known, not in spite of the difficulties they have faced but because of them.

• Own the fighter within. Be empowered by your ability to be strong and to bound over obstacles in your way. There is no need to feel bad about the times you have been angry, to feel ashamed for refusing to accept things the way they are. This is how family heroes survive and strive

• find ways to create some peace for yourself

• Find someone to tell your secrets to. If that person says the wrong thing, try someone else.

• Find people to love and to love you back, and remember they may come from all backgrounds.

• if you were not taken good care of as a child, take good care of yourself as an adult.

• Listen to the podcast about Self-Care, she literally said so many of the things I put in that podcast. I’ll link that episode in the shownotes.

• Some hurtful relationships may improve with time, but many will not. If it would be helpful to you to make amends with someone who has hurt you, give it a try. If it will only bring you more heartbreak, you have permission to stay away. Avoid relatives, partners—or bosses—who are retraumatizing.

• Make something of your present so your past does not loom so large. As you go along, resist the temptation to compare your hardships or triumphs to those of others.

• If you have children, be the parent you wish you had.

• And as often as you can, be good to yourself, and to those you encounter. It may not be true that everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle but, as we know by now, a great many people are.

Again, the book is SUPERNORMAL By Dr. Meg Jay. It’s SOOOO good, please go read it. It is absolutely packed with tons of great information that will help you understand yourself and may provide you with tons of relief that you are not alone.

Ok, to come full circle on this episode – about the story we tell about our past. Here is how I prefer to tell my story, and this is heavily what is on my about page on introvertedexecutive.com.

CITATIONS: