Shownotes
Introduction
- Topic Introduction [00:53]
Main Topics
- Where the Five Stages Came From [02:01]
- Understanding Denial [04:19]
- Understanding Anger and Bargaining [06:12]
- Understanding Depression and Acceptance [09:32]
- Grief Is Not Linear [12:18]
- Closing [13:39]
Additional Resources
Transcripts
00:00
until his passing in January:00:38
My mission is to walk beside you as you navigate grief, honor your healing, and rediscover meaning and purpose in the life that continues. You are not alone. This is the Healing Our Grieving Hearts Podcast.
00:53
Welcome my friends. Whether you're listening during a quiet morning, taking a walk, or simply looking for a little support today, I'm grateful you've chosen to spend this time with me.
01:06
Today's topic is one that almost everyone has heard about at some point: the Five Stages of Grief: What They Really Mean. Many people are familiar with denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages have become so well known that they are often presented as a roadmap for grieving, leading many people to wonder where they are in the process and whether they are progressing the way they should.
01:36
One of the most important things to understand about the Five Stages of Grief is that they were never intended to tell us how grief should unfold. They simply remind us that many different emotions can be part of the journey. Today, we'll explore where the stages came from, and what they really mean, and why your grief experience may look very different from someone else's.
02:01
er-Ross in her groundbreaking:02:28
What many people do not realize is that the stages were not originally created to describe bereavement. They were observations of people confronting their own terminal diagnoses. Over time, the model became widely applied to people grieving the loss of loved ones, and it eventually became one of the most recognized frameworks in grief education.
02:53
Years later, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler addressed many of the misunderstandings that had developed around the stages in their book, On Grief & Grieving. They emphasized that the stages are not linear, not universal, and not experienced in the same way by everyone. Some people experience several stages, some experience only a few, and many move back and forth between different emotions over time.
03:23
That clarification is important because grief is far too personal and complex to fit neatly into a sequence. The relationship you shared with your loved one was unique. The circumstances surrounding the loss were unique. Because of that, your grief journey will be unique as well.
03:44
After Dave passed away, my husband, I quickly realized that my own grief did not follow a predictable pattern. Some days I felt peaceful and grateful for our forty years together. Other days, something as simple as hearing a song or seeing one of his belongings would bring tears and remind me how much I missed him. Those experiences taught me that grief is not a staircase with clearly defined steps. It is more like a winding path that changes as we continue moving forward.
04:19
The first stage people often hear about is denial. Many assume denial means refusing to accept reality, but it is usually much gentler than that. In many cases, denial serves as a protective mechanism that helps us absorb overwhelming information gradually rather than all at once.
04:41
When a significant loss occurs, the mind and heart often need time to adjust. Many grieving people describe moments when they briefly forget their loved one has died. Someone may instinctively reach for the phone, expect to hear a familiar voice, or think about sharing a piece of news before suddenly remembering the reality of the loss.
05:03
I remember moments after Dave's passing when I would think about telling him something that happened during my day. For a brief instant, my first impulse was still to share it with him, just as I had done for decades. Then reality would gently return, reminding me that our relationship had changed form.
05:26
Those moments were not signs that I was disconnected from reality. They reflected the depth of our connection and the adjustment my heart was making. After forty years of marriage, it was only natural that some habits of thought and relationship would take time to shift.
05:45
Denial can also appear in more subtle ways. Some people stay busy because slowing down would require them to face difficult emotions. Others focus on taking care of everyone around them while neglecting their own grief. Rather than judging these responses, it can be helpful to recognize that they often represent the mind's effort to protect us from becoming overwhelmed.
06:12
The next stage is anger, and it is often one of the most misunderstood emotions in grief. Many grieving individuals feel uncomfortable admitting they are angry because they believe anger is somehow inappropriate or unspiritual. Yet anger is a very natural response to loss.
06:33
When something precious is taken from us, part of us protests. We may feel angry at circumstances, medical providers, family members, life itself, or even at the person who died. Underneath that anger is often a tremendous amount of pain, helplessness, and heartbreak.
06:52
I have spoken with many widows who were surprised by the anger they experienced after losing their spouse. Some felt frustrated watching other couples enjoy experiences they could no longer share. Others felt hurt when friends seemed to move on while their own world had been permanently changed. These feelings did not make them bad people. They simply reflected the depth of their loss.
07:17
For caregivers, anger can sometimes emerge after years of holding everything together. During the caregiving journey, there is often little time or energy to process emotions. Once the caregiving role ends, feelings that have been pushed aside for months or years may finally begin to surface.
07:37
One of the most helpful things we can do when anger appears is ask what it may be trying to teach us. Anger is often a secondary emotion. Beneath it we frequently discover sadness, fear, disappointment, loneliness, or grief itself. Approaching anger with curiosity rather than judgment can help us better understand what our hearts are experiencing.
08:05
Closely connected to anger is bargaining. This stage often shows up through endless questions and mental negotiations. Many grieving people become familiar with thoughts that begin with "if only" or "what if." If only I had noticed something sooner. If only I had said something. What if we had pursued another treatment? What if I had done more?
08:33
For caregivers, these questions can be especially intense. When we have spent months or years caring for someone we love, it is natural to review decisions and wonder whether different choices could have changed the outcome.
08:47
The challenge is that hindsight provides information we did not have at the time. Looking backward from today's perspective often creates the illusion that we should have known more than we actually did. In reality, every decision was made using the information, resources, and understanding available in that moment.
09:12
When I reflect on Dave's health journey, I recognize that every decision was made from a place of love. Could we have predicted every outcome? Of course not. None of us have that ability. Accepting that reality can be difficult, but it also creates room for self-compassion and forgiveness.
09:32
The fourth stage is depression. In the context of grief, this refers to the deep sadness that naturally accompanies significant loss. As the reality of what has happened settles in, many people experience profound sorrow and a heightened awareness of absence.
09:51
This stage often becomes more noticeable after the practical responsibilities are complete. The visitors have gone home, the sympathy cards stop arriving, and daily life begins to settle into a new rhythm. During those quiet moments, the reality of who is missing can feel especially painful.
10:13
I remember times after Dave's passing when the silence in the house felt different than it ever had before. For years, our lives revolved around shared routines, conversations, appointments, and caregiving responsibilities. Adjusting to a new way of living required time, patience, and grace.
10:33
Many people worry when sadness continues for months or years. Yet grief does not operate according to a schedule. Deep sadness is often a reflection of deep love. The intensity of our sorrow frequently mirrors the significance of the relationship we have lost.
10:53
One of the greatest gifts we can offer ourselves is permission to feel what we feel. Tears are not evidence of weakness. They are evidence of connection, love, and a relationship that mattered deeply.
11:08
The final stage is acceptance, and it may be the most misunderstood of all. Acceptance does not mean being happy about the loss. It does not mean forgetting the person we love or reaching a point where grief no longer exists.
11:25
Acceptance simply means acknowledging reality as it is. Rather than fighting against what has happened, we gradually learn how to live alongside it. We begin carrying grief differently while continuing to engage with life.
11:41
For many people, acceptance arrives quietly through small shifts in awareness. We may find ourselves smiling at a memory before crying. We may begin making plans for the future without feeling guilty. We may discover that moving forward does not mean leaving our loved one behind.
12:01
Healing does not erase love. In many ways, healing allows us to carry that love forward. We continue telling stories, honoring memories, celebrating traditions, and sharing the wisdom our loved ones brought into our lives.
12:18
Perhaps the most important lesson about the Five Stages is that grief is not linear. A person may experience acceptance one day and sadness the next. Anger may return months or years later. Bargaining thoughts can appear unexpectedly during anniversaries, holidays, or major life events. Some stages may not appear at all.
12:43
None of these experiences mean that healing has stopped. Revisiting emotions is often part of healthy grieving. Each time we encounter those feelings, we do so with new experiences, greater understanding, and additional strength.
12:59
I often think of grief as a spiral rather than a straight line. We revisit familiar emotions and memories, but we encounter them from a different place than before. Although the feelings may seem familiar, we are not the same person we were when we first experienced them.
13:20
This perspective can be incredibly freeing. When we stop expecting grief to follow a predictable pattern, we become less likely to judge ourselves. Instead of asking why we are still feeling something, we can ask what this moment needs from us.
13:39
As we come to the end of today's episode, I hope you are taking away a deeper understanding of what the Five Stages of Grief really mean. More importantly, I hope you are giving yourself permission to release any expectation that your grief should look a certain way.
13:57
The Five Stages were originally observations of people facing their own mortality. They were never intended to become a rigid roadmap for bereavement. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler both emphasized that the stages are not linear, not universal, and not experienced in the same way by everyone.
14:18
Your grief journey belongs to you. The love you shared with your spouse, soulmate, family member, or friend was unlike any other relationship in the world. Because that love was unique, your grief will be unique as well.
14:34
Perhaps the invitation is not to figure out which stage you are in. Perhaps the invitation is simply to meet yourself with compassion wherever you are today. Some days that may look like tears. Other days it may look like gratitude, reflection, laughter, or hope. All of those experiences can belong within the same grief journey.
14:57
Thank you for spending this time with me today. If this episode touched your heart, I encourage you to share it with someone who may be struggling under the weight of unrealistic expectations about grief.
15:11
The mission of Healing Our Grieving Hearts is to support women who are navigating life after the loss of a spouse or soulmate, and those who are tenderly companioning their husbands through illness. Through spiritual care, sound and vibration therapies, and reflective practices, I help women find meaning, healing, and renewed purpose.
15:32
For free resources, including tips for coping with grief and rediscovering joy, visit purpose.healingourgrievinghearts.com. You can also connect with me on Facebook at facebook.com/Kay.Fontana.
15:50
Thank you for listening to this episode of the Healing Our Grieving Hearts Podcast. Remember, you are not alone in your grief, and your experiences and emotions are valid. Join me next Saturday at 10 a.m. Arizona time as we continue exploring the human experience and “The Life You Never Expected to Be Living.”
16:11
Until next time, may you trust the wisdom of your own heart, honor every emotion with compassion, release the need to grieve according to anyone else's timeline, and remember that love continues to walk beside you, guiding you gently toward healing, peace, and purpose.
