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Have you ever found yourself daydreaming about your future partner while you’re still happily single? Well, I’ve definitely been there! I’m Wioleta, your friendly host, and today we’re diving deep into the realm of relationship fantasies—those vivid daydreams we create to cope with our single status. We’ll chat about how imagining our future romances can sometimes bring us comfort but also lead us to overlook the beauty of our present lives. I’ll share some personal stories about my own fantasies, from the cozy couch cuddles to those wild wedding daydreams, and how they’ve shaped my understanding of what I truly want in a partner. So, grab your favorite drink, settle in, and let’s explore how our imaginations might just be telling us something important about ourselves!

Navigating the single scene often leads us to play out our romantic fantasies in our heads. I often find myself daydreaming about what my life will be like when I finally meet "the one," especially when I'm unhappily single. Those whimsical thoughts can be a comforting distraction when I’m feeling a bit down about my single status. I mean, who hasn’t imagined the perfect date, the ideal wedding, or even some future drama with a partner? It’s like creating a mini-movie in my head, where I’m the star playing out all the best-case scenarios. However, this little escapism can sometimes morph into a coping mechanism for loneliness. The truth is, while those fantasies serve a purpose, keeping hope alive and providing a sense of warmth, they can also become a trap. I would sometimes get so lost in these daydreams that I’d forget to live in the present moment. Instead of enjoying my singlehood and all the growth that comes with it, I’d be waiting for that imaginary partner to swoop in and make everything better. This unrealistic expectation can lead to disappointment when reality doesn't match up to the fantasies I’ve constructed. It’s like setting myself up for a letdown when the real-life interactions I have just don’t measure up to my idealized versions. So what’s the plan? It’s all about finding that sweet spot between dreaming and doing. I’ve learned that while it’s okay to indulge in those fantasies, it’s important to use them as a springboard for real-world action. For example, if I find myself fantasizing about cuddling on the couch with a partner, perhaps I should embrace that cozy feeling by treating myself to a movie night or spending quality time with my cat, Trouble. The goal is to keep the dreams alive while simultaneously investing in my current life. After all, who says I can’t create a little magic in my own single journey?

Takeaways:

1. Imagining future scenarios with a partner can be a coping mechanism during singlehood.
2. It's natural to fantasize about relationships when surrounded by couples, especially when feeling lonely.
3. While fantasies about love and companionship are normal, we must not neglect our present reality.
4. Using fantasies as a tool can help clarify what we truly desire in a partner, guiding our dating choices.
5. Excessive fantasizing can sometimes hinder us from taking action to meet new people and date.
6. Balancing our dreams of the future with enjoying the present moment is key to a fulfilling single life.

Do you spend some or a lot of your time imagining what the future will look like once you're partnered up? Hi, welcome back to All About Being Single. I'm

Wioleta, your host.

I myself have spent enormous amounts of time in my life while single, imagining a future version of me, one where I have a partner. And, you know, there's been times when I imagine like, how we're going to meet, what we're going to do together.

So often while being single, the times when I would be, especially times I would be unhappily single. Currently I'm definitely pretty happy being single.

But a lot of times when I wouldn't be happy about my single status, my brain would just be a few years ahead of my actual life. You know, I'd imagine our wedding day. I'd imagine cuddling on the couch in the evenings with this person.

I'd imagine sometimes even, you know, our first fight. I'd imagine the problems that we would have together. Our, you know, sometimes I'd even imagine like our first breakup.

Not that anybody has to have a first breakup or probably even should, but I used to have a lot of poor relationships, so I think that's where that came from. You know, I would imagine that the next relationship I would have would also be a poor quality relationship.

Or sometimes I'd even imagine things that would happen in the future regarding my exes, you know, if I still wasn't over an ex, I would imagine an ex boyfriend coming back to me to tell me that he's changed, that he's still madly in love with me. So there would also be a little bit of just imagining coming back together with somebody I used to be with.

And I would do this to feel better about the current reality and to have some kind of a relief from maybe the uncertainty of not knowing if I'm ever going to meet somebody, if any of my exes are going to come back. I think some of it was just my nervous system craving some kind of safety, an attachment, because obviously I didn't have that.

And there would be so many periods of like years of just failed first dates and, you know, not or even not even going on first dates, you know, that it's like after a while you're just craving this thing that you really want. And the more times you fail at getting it, the more strongly you tend to want it again.

I think I'd also just want a place to rest and not have to be doing it all by myself constantly. You know, I would want to just regulate instead of just Having to self soothe all the time.

I would want to be with somebody, you know, somebody who actually is like my person, somebody who helps me do stuff.

So I think it was just, you know, a way to kind of regulate myself by imagining these things because it is something that I want in the end, obviously.

And because like I've mentioned before, it's like I've had all these long years, long periods of just being single, you know, no romantic touch or, or no touch with other humans in general for a long time at times. And my friends would cancel plans so often or just be too busy with their own lives. I wouldn't be going on dates.

I would just be lonely at home or just trying to go out by myself when all I would see is couples out.

So I think imagining a future and kind of living in a fantasy would help so much of just the feelings of loneliness and sadness that I felt because again, I was this perpetually single person.

And around all these people who constantly were getting into relationships, I'm not saying I necessarily even wanted to be in their situations because most of them I wouldn't want to be in.

I'm just saying that it's still whether or not they were bad relationships that I was seeing people keep getting into, I would still want to be in one of my own.

And you know, to an extent it's like I felt like, well, I've been through all these bad relationships that either got my heart broken or I left the people because I knew they were just horrible for me. It's like I felt like, well, now I'm kind of due for an actual good one.

I'm due to have a partner, to have a relationship because I have actually had the guts to leave poor relationships, unlike most people. So it almost felt like justified that, hey, I deserve to be in a good relationship.

And since I wasn't getting into one again, fantasy is one is a way. Fantasy is a way of the brain to help us get through some of those like bad times.

You know, I. I think I would get some dopamine hits obviously to produce a better feeling within me with those fantasies.

And like I mentioned at the beginning of the episode, it's like I was unhappy being single, so I definitely, because I was unhappy about being single, about the single status, I would definitely engage in a fantasy world a lot more during those times. And I thought our relationship would somehow like fix me in a sense.

And overall, I think that the fantasies just would keep hope alive for something that I did want in the future and maybe a Little bit of it was that I wanted to kind of fit in with the other people who were coupled up. Or maybe sometimes I would want to show people that hey, somebody's also picking me. And hey, I'm not this unwanted person.

Because I think sometimes there is a little bit of that thought that kind of comes in. Sometimes they're like, hey, maybe there is something wrong with me that I'm continuously single.

But there definitely was a huge cost to obviously all this fantasy thinking, you know, I would daydream too much, that would make me more lonely sometimes. Actually the present just wasn't feeling like enough, like it wasn't good enough to live without a partner.

And I wasn't acting on things that I could be doing to not be single anymore, like actually start dating. Because it was just so in my head just imagining these like fake scenarios.

And men would seem better in fantasy than the men I would meet in reality as well. You know, they weren't matching up to what the fantasy of what a relationship or what my future partner could be like.

And I would just be measuring today against like a future that doesn't exist yet, that may never exist or that's not even possible. And so that would get me down even more about the reality of my single status.

And it would just make the present feel like just something to get through until I get to the future. Until I get over that like imaginary line of being partnered once I finally have the partner.

And it would make me not when I almost like live in the reality and in the now. It almost felt like the reality wasn't real life, that real life hasn't like started yet.

There was this like fantasy version of me that would feel more alive than the current version of me once I was finally partnered. So it's like I wouldn't feel alive in the moment as much. And it would make me feel more lonely too.

Not cuz I'd be single even, but just because I wouldn't be where like my mind kept going essentially.

And I was just comparing like this unknown future to the current reality, which obviously the current reality would never be able to be on the same level as this fantasy that I had in my head. And I do think it's natural for us to have like fantasies of what's going to happen in our life when we do want to get partnered up.

And I think that the more time we spend by ourselves, I don't want to say in isolation, but even like around other people who are coupled up, who talk about their partners all the time I think all of that contributes to us feeling like we need to fantasize about this future, you know, because we do want to be coupled up.

And we're constantly seeing coupled up content, we're constantly seeing more coupled up people in our lives and we're constantly hearing about people talk about their partners.

So I think it all contributes to us, to us singles living in our heads and living, you know, and having these fantasies of what the future is going to be like. And I think it's normal. I do think it's totally normal if we are fantasizing about being part partnered up.

Like, I don't think it's weird, even though some people might think that and you know, the marriage probably will because, you know, most of them have been in relationships for 20 years, so they don't even know what it feels like to fantasize about something. Just kidding.

I'm sure they fantasize a lot too, but they would probably be like, ah, it's weird to fantasize about being partnered up, blah, blah, you know, you know how they go. But anyhow, so what I'm trying to say is I don't think you need to kill those fantasies of being partnered in the future.

But you cannot replace your reality with this fantasy. You also have to live in the reality. So.

So I think maybe trying to lessen the amount of times that you're fantasizing or, you know, lessening the impact that it has on you or knowing that it is just a fantasy. But also I think through that fantasy you kind of learn what is important to you.

So I think when you do fantasize about the future with a partner, maybe after you do that, sometimes just writing down, hey, what is it exactly that I'm fantasying about fantasizing about? Like, like what keeps showing up for me in this fantasy that I think maybe I haven't been actually looking for in a partner, you know.

So, like, I would fantasize a lot about wedding, you know, and for the longest time I didn't think I even really wanted to get married. Like, that was not a thing that I really cared about when I was younger at all. Like, I was never a person.

Like, I was never a kid who was like, oh my God, I can't wait till my wedding date. Like, that was just never a thing for me.

But like, in all these fantasies of men, it's always like me walking down the altar, you know, to get married. So I do think, and I would date these men who didn't propose to me for years I would date these men who were commitment phobes.

So I do think that what I got out of that is I am looking to get married.

And so I think these fantasies were trying to tell me something that I was overlooking in real life, that I really did want these things that I was settling for, not getting with the men that I was choosing to date. But overall, though, keep in mind a fantasy is just that. It is a fantasy.

So knowing my future might turn out like my fantasy or it might not can keep me going by kind of keeping some hope alive. I do think that fantasies keep hope alive.

Fantasies are there for us singles who do want to get into relationships later on to keep the hope alive so that we don't give up on trying to find a partner, so that we don't just stay at home and do nothing and become depressed about not having a partner. I do think there is some kind of a purpose for these fantasies, but I think that we have to, again, we have to do something with the fantasy.

You know, don't just stay in a fantasy too long. Do something with it.

You know, maybe if you do start fantasizing too much, maybe that's a sign that you aren't putting yourself out there enough or that you're not. And again, I hate using the word putting yourself out there.

So, like, maybe that's a sign that you're not going out enough or that you're not trying to form connections. You're just living in this fantasy.

And it's almost like replacing the connection for you instead of you actually going out and just getting coffee at a cafe once a week, you know, to be around people. So that maybe gives you more hope or maybe puts you in places where you can talk to men or women, whoever you're interested in.

You know, maybe that fantasy, if you're too much in your head, is preventing you from actually living that life. So do something with it. If you're fantasizing too much, start going on walks, start going hiking, start. I mean, whatever your interests are.

Obviously, for me, those are my interests. So those are the things that I always do when I do find myself too much in my head. But just start living the actual life.

Start going to cafes and smiling at people. Or even if you're on your walk or on your hike, smile at strangers. You know, that takes you away from just fantasizing and actually living your life.

And what I will never do again is I will never focus so much on daydreaming of what my life will look like once I'm coupled up that I'm not enjoying my current reality unless, obviously that reality really sucks at the moment. And then I'll indulge a lot in the fantasy. And I think that's also okay. Sometimes we just need to cope with things and in weird ways.

And a hill I'll die on is that being single for long periods of time when you are craving a romantic relationship leads way to fantasize more. And again, I've mentioned that throughout the episode, but I do truly believe this.

And I think, again, being single for these long, super long periods of time when you're craving a romantic relationship leads on having more crushes on people. It's just kind of natural because again, our brains are like. And our bodies are like, craving this thing. That is so natural.

Wanting romantic relationships is so natural for us humans. So if you do tend to fantasize a lot or if you do tend to have crushes a lot while you're single, it's totally fine.

Like, there's nothing wrong with that. And again, if it gets to the point where, like, it happens way too much or like it's totally encompassing you and you're.

It's totally not letting you live your actual life, then, you know, that's when you've crossed the threshold of like, hey, this is too much fantasizing and not enough living your life. But again, that's when you can start living your life more in the present.

But I just want you to know that you're not weird for having these fantasies of being coupled up. You know, a lot of dissociation never hurt nobody.

Okay, maybe it probably has, but we're going to pretend like it hasn't and may know, like, to stand on one couple that people say that we're idealizing relationships. And don't get me wrong, some people might be. And at some points, I know I was at 2 when I was young, obviously.

However, like, I've been in relationships and I know a partner won't fix my life or my issues. I'm realistic about what relationships are.

So the marrieds don't get to downplay something they already have for those of us who want it but don't have it. It's easy to call it overrated when it's not something that you're constantly missing from your life. And that's the part that they don't get.

And I know that you do because you are single. And if you're listening, you might be perpetually single like me. So you're not just single for like a Month and get back into a relationship.

You're probably single for years on end, so you know exactly what I'm referring to here. Or maybe you just got out of a relationship, but in the past you have been single for years.

So now you're freaking out because you don't know how much longer you're going to have to be single for. I get it. Trust me, I've been there. Okay, our note to self.

And if you're new here, just write down an answer to this question or maybe jot it down someplace. Say it out loud to yourself. I'm gonna do a little dance because I do believe in dancing every day.

So either dance with me or come up with an answer to this question or come back to it later. Okay, so here's the note to self. What is a fantasy that you have?

And it could be about you being single in the future or you being partnered up, whatever, but just a fantasy that you have and what is the underlying need underneath it? So basically, what is the fantasy giving you that you don't have right now?

You know, maybe it could be some kind of feeling, maybe it could be finances, financial status, whatever it is. Okay, so let's do about like 30 seconds of a dance break and I'll be back to answer the question myself.

If you haven't already, please take a moment to subscribe or follow wherever you're listening, just so you don't miss any future episodes.

All about you, no matter what the others say but now I'm down talking the lights on me I tell you I guarantee this Nice.

Now the rain is pouring and all I see is lightning around my feet now nothing can bring me down I just wanna dance till my heart goes all out I just wanna dance.

If this episode is resonating with you, please take a moment to share it right now with somebody that you think will benefit from it as well. Okay, now we're back.

So my fantasy, my future fantasy currently is just a lot of time spending with somebody cuddling and just, you know, hanging out on the couch, just being at home and not really having to go out and just not having to do much. And it could be because it is cold outside right now, so the weather is cold.

But also because I am getting older and like, I just want to spend, you know, I've done a lot of things in my life, great things, and I want to keep doing cool things, but I also want to spend a lot of time just relaxing on the couch. If I'm being completely honest with you, and I Would like to be doing that with a guy. But I also know that I can give some of that myself right now.

So I could be bothering my cat to cuddle with me some more. And I could be even just hugging myself while I'm laying on the couch or using my electric blanket.

I have so many electric blankets, you know, and just getting on the couch, putting that electric blanket and then putting my cat on top of me. I mean, I'm just kidding you guys. He comes and cuddles with me all the time. I am not a mean cat mom. And I know it's not the same.

I know it's not the same as actually having a person next to you that you can cuddle with. You know, somebody with like some tender touch.

But just spending some more time at home on the couch versus out and about can, you know, fulfill at least a little bit of that need that I know I have. So that's what I know I'll be doing more of this year. Okay, let's get to the very last part.

I'm always excited to get to the glow up because I love glowing up and I think it's always, it's always time for glow up, but especially when you're single because again, you have all this extra time to spend on things like a glow up. And I do truly believe that most people glow up when they're single. So let's get to it for this week.

Thinking about that future fantasy that you have that you wrote down for your note to self. What's something regarding it that you can do this week to meet some of those needs?

So again, for me, what I'm gonna schedule more of is more time to cuddle and spend with my cat and actually Tell me Lies season three or whatever season we're on just went out.

So I think what I'm gonna do this week and is every day this week after work, I'm going to schedule some time to just cuddle on the couch underneath my electric blanket with my cat watching Tell Me Lies. So again, it could just be scheduling an evening during this week that's just for catching up on a TV show.

And what I'll be doing is just enjoying the fantasy of these characters versus the current moment versus the fact that I don't have somebody to cuddle with. And that show is so goddamn good. Can't believe I'm 38. Super excited about a show about college kids. But man, and they're all their drama.

They're crazy ass drama. But man, I'm so excited but yeah, for you it could be something else.

Feel free to send in a voice note and tell us what it is that you are going to be doing for this glow up. Go to all about being single. Com.

There's a button on there that you can click to send me a voice note or you can always email me at all about being single gmail.com and just type it in or on socials at thisis violeta so that's thisis W I o L E T a or at all about being single on Instagram for both of those accounts. I would love to hear what you guys are going to be doing and thank you so so much for listening this week.

As always, even if you're late, you're right on time. You got this? I will talk to you next.