Episode 21: DAY 1: 5-Day Challenge: RECONNECT Reflection & Reconnection Redefining Your Authentic Self

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Summary

In this episode of the Better Than Bitter Divorce Podcast, host Tania Leichliter introduces the concept of amicable divorce and the importance of emotional healing during this challenging transition. The conversation covers a five-day challenge aimed at helping individuals reconnect with their authentic selves, emotionally divorce from their marriage personas, and reclaim their identities post-divorce. Tanya emphasizes the significance of self-awareness, mindset shifts, and the 5 Vs framework for re-establishing happiness and creating a roadmap for a fulfilling future after divorce.

Takeaways

• Divorce can be a transformative opportunity for self-discovery.
• An amicable divorce is possible with the right mindset.
• Understanding your narrative is crucial for emotional healing.
• Self-awareness helps in reclaiming your identity post-divorce.
• The 5 Vs framework aids in re-establishing happiness.
• Reflecting on your past can guide your future decisions.
• You have the power to rewrite your story and create a new narrative.
• Emotional healing is essential before starting the legal process of divorce.
• Creating a vision for your future is key to moving forward.
• Support groups can provide valuable community during the divorce process.

Sound Bites

"Rediscover who you truly are."

"You have the power to rewrite your story."

"Happiness isn't just about bouncing back."

"An amicable resolution is possible."

"It's time to be better than bitter."

Chapters

00:00 Introduction to Amicable Divorce

01:11 The Five-Day Challenge: From Surviving to Thriving

02:03 Reflection and Reconnection: Rediscovering Your Authentic Self

07:49 Emotionally Divorcing Your Marriage Persona

14:26 Reclaiming Your Identity Post-Divorce

18:01 Re-establishing Happiness with the 5 Vs Framework

25:50 Conclusion and Next Steps

Keywords

amicable divorce, divorce coaching, personal growth, emotional healing, self-discovery, divorce support, Better Than Bitter, divorce resolution, mindset shift, happiness framework

On our website you'll find details and additional information on our 5-Step Gameplan multimedia course, our different types of coaching methods, monthly memberships, events and retreats, and a whole lot more. Plus, we've got a ton of free resources, like our monthly newsletter, our private Facebook group, our Instagram channel, and a library of articles and free webinars to help you along the way. When you go to our website, you'll be able to schedule a free 45-minute breakthrough call. Remember, we're here to help you reach an amicable resolution. Find your courage and believe in your brighter future because you know what? It is possible.

At Better Than Bitter™, we measure success by what we give and not by what we get. So let's change the divorce dialogue together. It's time to be better than bitter.

Do you want to Know if We Can Help You? Book A Free 1:1 Breakthrough Call Now! Click Here

Welcome to the Better Than Bitter™ Divorce Podcast, where we flip the script on divorce and show you how to have a more amicable divorce resolution. I'm your host, Tania Leichliter a divorce coach, a certified life coach, and the mastermind behind the Better Than Bitter five-step game plan course, where I help individuals build a pathway towards a more amicable divorce resolution.

Each week, I'll bring you uplifting stories from people who've successfully experienced amicable separations, proving that divorce doesn't have to be a battleground. Whether you're overwhelmed with grief, struggling with custody and co-parenting, or just dealing with a high-conflict individual, this podcast is here to guide you towards reclaiming your life and being what I know is possible, better than bitter.

Welcome to the Better Than Bitter five-day challenge from surviving to thriving during divorce and beyond. It is time to reclaim you, to take you back. And over the next five days, we are going to get you there. So I'm Tanya Licklider. I am the founder and CEO of Better Than Bitter.

And the mission of Better Than Bitter is to get more people to believe that an amicable divorce resolution is possible. And I always tell people, the legal process of divorce, no matter how amicable you are, is not going to feel warm and fuzzy. But if you can move through your emotional divorce at some level before you start your legal process, that amicable resolution, that post-divorce experience,

will be better, not only for you but for your children. So today, on day one, we are going to be talking about reflection and reconnection and redefining your authentic self. We've got four different parts of our lesson today. The first part is reconnecting with your authentic self. The second part is emotionally divorcing that persona, that person that you became in your marriage. Number three is reclaiming you.

taking you back. And the last one is re-establishing happiness and learning about the five Vs. So this is just a really great quote for you to really hang your hat on today. So divorce is one of life's most challenging transitions, but it also presents a profound opportunity, the chance to rediscover who you truly are.

Today, we're gonna focus on finding that stability by reconnecting with your authentic self and creating a vision and a version of you in terms of the ones that you want to define going forward post-divorce. So reconnecting with your authentic self. So one of the things that is really important to recognize about yourself is where you're starting from.

So we have two different places that we can start from in terms of the narrative that we put out there to the world. One is the optimistic narrative. So individuals are secure. They may have come from a very nurturing upbringing. They tend to see life as full of possibilities. And they even approach challenges with resilience and hope. So think about that. Is that your mindset? Is that the lens by which you look at life?

Those individuals who have that optimistic narrative, they believe that even when bad things happen, ultimately things are going to work out. They might not work out to plan, but being able to have more of that flexible mindset that different is okay, that is that opportune optimistic narrative. The second one is a pessimistic narrative. So again, is this you?

those who might have come from insecure attachments and in early life, maybe that your worldview where your dreams have always just felt unattainable. Do you feel disappointment often and regularly? Do you believe that even with intentions they're often foiled and that your stories rarely have a happy ending? Think about that. Is that you? So really are

the determining factors are being able to define where you are in that trajectory. So why does it matter? Why does it matter where we're starting from? Well, it is really important to know where you're starting from because just like anything, you know, if you were born in poverty, it's a lot harder to make it rich. OK. And if you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth, it's much easier for you to

of stay where your socioeconomic status might have placed you at the beginning. So same thing applies to our optimistic and our pessimistic narratives. If you start really optimistic, right, you don't have as far to go in terms of being able to turn this lens around for yourself during divorce. If you come from a pessimistic narrative, you have a much longer way to go because you

currently don't believe that an amicable resolution is possible and you currently don't believe that a better life is available for you. So again, meeting yourself where you are understanding your own internal narrative. So mindset does matter and to flip that script for yourself. It does take some time and it also takes some work and that's why we're doing this intensive today. This intensive five-day. We're going to start right here understanding your narrative.

So you all have the power to rewrite your story and you all have the power to create a more positive and empowered look on life. So meet yourself where you are, but also really try to engage with yourself in a way that you know that your goal is to have that different mindset is to move towards a more optimistic lens. an exercise I want you all to do. So everybody gets a piece of paper out.

And I want you to write one to 10 on that piece of paper. 10 is the most optimistic viewpoint you could have, that optimistic narrative. One is that pessimistic narrative. I want you to circle where you believe you are today. Where do you believe you are in that trajectory? And circle that for me. Then I want you to reflect

on how your mindset influences your approach to challenges. Again, reflect on how your mindset influences how you approach challenges. Is it a, my gosh, woe is me, everything is going wrong in my life? Or is it a, damn, that sucks, but you know what? I can turn it around. I know that I have good things in my life.

These are all the good things that I do have. And granted, there are some challenges in front of me, but I'm going to turn those around again, go ahead and reflect on your mindset and how it might influence your approach to challenges, and write down a few sentences about that for me. Awesome. We're going to move along. So emotionally divorcing that persona that you became in your marriage. So when you look in the mirror,

Do you often realize that you don't even recognize the person that you've become? Who is this person staring back at you? Do you often wonder that? Maybe in your divorce, you became the fixer. You were always the person solving problems for others. Was that you? Maybe you were a people pleaser. Maybe you were scared to say no when you really didn't wanna do something. Maybe you were always worried about everybody else

feeling good when the repercussions of that is you felt lousy. You were always putting other people's needs in front of your own. Maybe you were conflict adverse and you wanted to keep the peace no matter at what cost. So you just felt silenced because you didn't want to create any level of tension or any type of conflict that might've caused you a lot of discomfort. Even when

It meant sacrificing your own happiness. Or maybe you just buried parts of yourself so deep that you didn't even know they existed.

So why do all these questions matter? Well, losing yourself in your marriage can make you feel disoriented. It can be very frustrating. And to be honest, super heartbreaking. Losing yourself can be very heartbreaking. If you begin to run on autopilot and shape yourself around somebody else's needs, leaving you feel completely lost, who is that serving?

Without this relationship that you're about to part from, do you often wonder who am I? I mean, maybe you spent a lot of time raising your kids and they're about to leave the house and you're gonna be an empty nester and you're getting divorced and you don't know anything other about yourself other than taking care of others, being a husband or a wife or maybe being a parent and you haven't really

remembered who you were before you even became that person. This uncertainty can absolutely feel overwhelming and actually scary. So your fears must be going through the roof right now. If you identify with what I'm talking about, pausing and reflecting on this can really allow for you to see what spark has faded over time and

And understanding the why it has faded is really important. So why did you lose all these parts of yourself? Why did all of these things disappear?

So here comes the exercise. So exercise number two. There are a series of questions that I have written down in this presentation. And at any point, if any of you want to upgrade to VIP, I do have a QR code here. When you do that, you scan that and there's a small fee and you will get a 62-page workbook that has everything that you need.

in this course, not just from day one, but from day one through five. So you don't have to take notes. All of this will be in front of you, allowing for you to really fully engage and give this exercise and all of the exercises the time that it needs. If you currently are in our membership, you are getting this as part of our membership. So that course workbook is going to be included in our membership. Our membership, as a reminder,

also creates the opportunity for you to be in a weekly support group. So it's not just a bunch of resources and articles and webinars and courses, but every week we meet as a group and you can have a community of people that are all going through the same thing as you do. Okay, so let's move into the exercise. So two different columns, before marriage and after marriage. And the forefront of those two columns is the question. So I'm gonna read the questions out loud.

And I want you to be jotting down what you were like before marriage and what you were like during marriage. Again, if you'd been married for 60 years or 50 years, maybe you don't even remember who you were before your marriage. But what we're trying to show is the evolution of change. Okay, so the evolution of change in time. So you could say early marriage to post-marriage or before marriage and during marriage towards the end.

You know, we just want to see the dichotomy of change. Okay? So number one question, how did you view yourself? How did you view yourself? Number two, what hobbies and passions did you enjoy? Number three, how would your friends describe you? Number four, how did you handle conflict and stress? Number five, what was your self-care routine?

Number six, how would you describe your sexual desire? Number seven, how would you describe your intellectual curiosity? Number eight, how would you describe your emotional availability and vulnerability? Number nine, explain your values and how you prioritize them. Number 10, how did you express your creativity?

Number 11, how did you approach personal growth and learning? Number 12, what role did independence play in your life? Number 13, how did you approach decision-making? Number 14, how did you view your capacity to care for others or were you mostly focused on yourself? Number 15,

describe your social life, your social circle, and how you prioritize relationships outside of your marriage and outside of your immediate family. So each of these is gonna take some thought. I didn't expect for you to all do it as I was speaking. So I do want you to make sure you're either taking a photo of this or going ahead to get our workbook as well as a recording of this presentation. Or again, if you're part of our membership,

All of this is included.

So reclaiming and taking yourself back. So what do you need to even do that? Losing yourself in your marriage, you know what, to be honest, can be very easy. Your needs, your voice, your spark might fade. You might have prioritized your partner or your kids or other people in your family, putting their needs before your own. But now is the chance to reclaim you and redefine your path.

Rediscover all of the parts that you buried and reignite what really makes you feel alive. Self-awareness is the key to stepping into your true self. And you're not starting over. Don't think of it as that. Again, this is a mindset thing. Just think about it as moving forward, moving forward, flipping to the next chapter. Okay? You're not starting from ground zero.

You are just moving your life forward. So why does this matter? Why does taking yourself back matter? Well, recognizing the ways that marriage has shaped you allows for you to keep the positive aspects because granted, yes, there are so many great things that probably came out of being part of a partnership and raising children and having a family. I'm assuming that there are amazing things that evolved and how you matured as a person.

but you also have to shed the things that don't serve you anymore. So it's really important that you understand what those things are. So here is another exercise. This is our third exercise. And this one is the important one because this is gonna go up on your mirror. This is gonna be going up in your journal. This is gonna be wherever you can see it on a regular basis. So I want you to be able to identify some patterns that we're going to be listing out.

and consider the qualities and the changes that you most feel significant in terms of your growth in your future. Okay, so we did that exercise before marriage and after or during marriage, right? Or some level of timeline, from early life to now. What I want you to do is I want you to go back to that list. And I want you to start circling things that you want to hold on to that

represents your authentic self. Okay? Go back, and circle everything that you believe is your authentic self. Once you do that, we are now going to write a commitment statement, a commitment of self-statement. Using the qualities you've identified, I want you to write a personal commitment statement that defines who you are authentically, who you want to be authentically and

how you want to commit to yourself to be that person that you want to be. So it's going to look something like this. Your commitment to self-statement. I commit to embracing my authentic self by X, Y, and Z. I will honor my values of A, B, and C and ensure that my choices align with my true identity. Moving forward, I will

123 because I deserve a life that reflects my fullest potential. Take a picture of this if you are listening in. But again, if you want this in a workbook, I have it go ahead and scan that QR code and get our VIP version of this.

Okay, this is our last section for today. Re-establishing happiness using the 5 Vs framework. So I love this woman, Dr. Judith Joseph. She runs what we call a happiness lab. So she has a PhD and she's a researcher, but she's also a psychiatrist. And she has developed the 5 Vs framework through her research at the happiness lab. She

has developed something that will help you stay grounded and emotionally well as you redefine yourself post-divorce. So we are gonna work with these five Vs. We are gonna work on creating a happiness statement, a happiness framework that will help you reconnect with the core identity of who you want to be that you've written in that self-commitment statement.

because divorce can really leave us feeling completely disconnected, lost, and overwhelmed, and it's so important to check back in and remember who we are and who we want to be. So happiness isn't just about bouncing back, it's about creating a life that aligns with your values and vision for your future. So let's dive in. So it matters because in order to reclaim yourself, you have to reconnect with these Vs.

that is going to be imperative in order for you to move forward. And it will also help you have a framework that's gonna foster this emotional growth and this personal self-discovery. So being able to really have a framework that you can reflect back on to remind you what's important. So the five Vs are validation. Validation is acknowledging the emotion and experience. So saying to yourself,

I am feeling sad and admitting having acceptance around that sadness. And then you want to say it out loud. I am sad. Okay, say it out loud. Admit to yourself. I am depressed. I am so angry and granted you might be feeling all these emotions and it's okay. I want you to acknowledge that you're having them and then I want you to say it out loud.

inventing it not to a friend, even though you can go ahead and admit some of these things to friends. I want you to take ownership of your own emotions. Okay. Take responsibility for how you're feeling. I don't want you to blame somebody else for your feelings because that only gives them power over your emotions. So by pointing fingers and saying, he is making me so angry. That means

that your soon-to-be ex has power over that emotion. I just want you to take ownership. If you're angry, you're angry because of how you are feeling at that moment. The next one is values. Number three, define what truly matters to you. Define what truly matters to you. If having a peaceful co-parenting relationship is important to you,

because you want to relieve yourself of that burden and resentment and anger moving forward since that's the only thing that is going to be creating suffrage for yourself, right? You don't want to be suffering moving forward and having a peaceful co-parenting relationship is going to be a whole lot easier than having a contentious one. And granted, you can only control yourself, right? You can't control another. The only thing you can do is control your reactions to them.

So as long as your mindset is framed around how you are gonna show up in that co-parenting relationship and how you wanna feel around it, that is what is important. So create a value statement. What is valuable to you? Your family, your friends, your livelihood, simple things. I value the environment. I value being able to have

proximity to my family. I whatever you value again. I'm just giving you some examples. The next one is vitals being able to prioritize your physical and mental health is really important. And sometimes when you have such intense emotions, you're going to actually feel them pretty deeply in your body, right? So if you're highly anxious, maybe it's that jittery feeling that you're having. Maybe if you are really struggling with

some level of self-confidence issues, you are potentially feeling that in your gut. You're having horrible stomach aches. So tap into what you're feeling in your body. How does your body feel right now? And write all of those things down. Emotions definitely trigger physical responses. So I want you to get really in touch and I want you to say them out loud.

in terms of what the emotion is, okay, vent it. And then I want you to say where you're feeling it and what it feels like. Does it feel like heat? Does it feel like jittery? Does it feel like pain? Say those things out loud. Then I want you to create a vision for yourself, a roadmap for your future. Again, I always speak about in my five-step game plan course, this idea of manifesting your desired outcome.

If you do not have clarity around the vision that you want in your future, it's going to be very hard to manage your mindset through the entire process because your actions, reactions, and behaviors will influence the results you have in your life. But if you don't know the result you want, you can't manage your actions, reactions, and behaviors because those of course are what's going to dictate the results that you have. Okay, so

create a vision statement, something that's really important to you in terms of how you want your life to look in the future.

Okay, so the 5V exercises. I just gave you an understanding of what they are in every detail. So this exercise is now about you putting those on paper. So create that column, that table with two columns. Okay, one put the 5Vs in there and then in the other column, I want you to write out what those things are.

Again, these are the five V's just so you can put them on your table. Validation, Venting, Values, Vitals, and Vision are in one column and the other column is left for you to fill out. A gain, this is gonna be homework for you so make sure that you have your journal out but if you don't have a journal and you want the workbook so you can work in the workbook or at least have all the information you need to fill it out, you can go ahead.

and do that. will give you the QR code again so you can scan it. So in conclusion, we just want to remember that the problem today that we solved for is that we were disconnected from our authentic self, right? The solution was that we created a new roadmap for that new self by reflecting and reconnecting with what we believed was important about us.

from our past and in our presence. And then we bring all those things together. And then we put out that incredible self-statement. That along with the five V's we can really tap into our emotions and how we express them and how they are expressed internally, and physically, as well as defining our values and vision. It is a great roadmap towards how we can move our lives forward by creating a sense of center.

with starting with the self.

So we are very excited for everyone to be here and thank you for joining us for day one. We look forward to everybody seeing us again on day two. Get ready for more transformation.

Thanks for tuning in to Better Than Bitter, navigating an amicable divorce. Whether you are at the beginning of your divorce journey, midway through, or even done, we want the stories from our guests to give you hope that an amicable resolution is possible. If you'd like to dive deeper into today's episode, check out our show notes for a full transcript, reflections, and links to learn more about Better Than Bitter's coaching courses,

and how to connect with our fabulous guests. If you're ready for more support, you can head over to betterthanbitter.coach. Daily, you'll find details and additional information on our five-step game plan multimedia course, our one-to-one Zoom coaching, group coaching, monthly memberships, events and retreats, and a whole lot more. Plus, we've got a ton of free resources, like our monthly newsletter,

our private Facebook group, Instagram channel, and a library of articles and free webinars to help you along the way. When you go to our website, you'll be able to schedule a free 45-minute breakthrough call. Remember, we're here to help you reach an amicable resolution. Find your courage and believe in your brighter future because you know what? It is possible.

At Better Than Bitter, we measure success by what we give and not by what we get. So let's change the divorce dialogue together. It's time to be better than bitter.