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Attachment Theory
Episode 94 • 23rd March 2023 • How Not to Screw Up Your Kids • Dr Maryhan
00:00:00 00:26:13

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Attachment theory argues a child's early experiences creates a blueprint for all future relationships. Secure attachments are the result of emotionally sensitive parenting and the child feeling their emotional needs are met. So it's crucial for teaching emotional regulation, and how we achieve this isn't just what we do when our children are babies.

In this episode we go back to basics to help you understand what attachment theory is, how it can manifest in our children's actions and behaviour, and what we can do as parents to support our children.

Here are the highlights: 

(02:15) Why is attachment theory so important? 

(08:06) The Strange Situation 

(12:59) These behaviours are normal 

(18:34) Responding to our child’s emotional needs 

(20:35) Emotionally responsive vs emotionally sensitive 

To access the free resources mentioned in this episode visit https://drmaryhan.com/library  

Join our campaign One Million Moments to reduce the number of children struggling with mental health challenges from 17% to 10% by 2025.

Purchase your ticket for my next online talk 'Social Media & The Teen Brain' at 8-9pm on 11th of October 2023

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Transcripts

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Hello, and welcome to the how not to screw up your

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kids podcast. So pour yourself a cup, find a comfy seat and enjoy

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the conversation. This is episode 94. And today's episode

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attachment theory is a back to basics understanding of

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something which is instrumental to our children's well being.

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And that's their attachment. So I'm going to do things

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completely differently, as they say a change is as good as

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arrest. So I've decided to mix up the podcast episode and how

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I'm going to be sort of delivering it to you in a very,

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very different way. So my gift, I'm going to tell you right at

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the beginning, is going to be a summary of the different

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attachment types that you can refer back to. And you can head

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over to Dr. Mary han.com, forward slash library, where

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you'll find the link to download the free resource along with all

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of the other podcast episodes. What I would just say as a

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cautionary note, please do not get too hung up on the different

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attachment types. And the observations of those, nearly

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80% of us will have a typical secure attachment. So it's

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really there as a reference guide of some of the behaviors

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to look out for, for those of you who've got really young

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children as a reassurance that what your child is doing is

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really normal. But it's also a useful tool for those that

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listen to the podcast, who are child minders, nannies,

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teachers, teaching assistants play therapist, therapists who

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looked at the podcast episode and the resources as additional

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aspects to their continual professional development. So

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that's the give, what I'm also going to ask is, I'm going to

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make a real a request in advance that if you do enjoy this

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podcast, please do take the time to review the review just

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literally takes a moment or two. And in fact, maybe you could

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pause the episode now and do a quick review and a quick rate.

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It's really helpful in that other families who don't

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necessarily know about this podcast will find me either

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because you have wonderfully recommended it, or what happens

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is it pops up as a recommendation in their podcast

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library. And that only happens with reviews and ratings from

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you. So I would be ever so grateful if you did that. And

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what it also means is the more ratings and reviews that we

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have, the more of a profile the podcast gets, and the bigger the

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guests that I can approach to come. And I do have a wish list

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of people I would love to approach. So please do take the

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time, I would be very, very grateful if you could do that.

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Now, I'm gonna get into some of the nitty gritty of attachment

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theory, but particularly around how attachment theory is

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relevant. In terms of parenting practices, there's so much

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research around attachment theory. So there are some things

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I'm just not going to touch on. Because it's not directly

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relevant to the message and the takeaway that I want you to

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have. And the homework that I'm going to give you at the end of

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our slot. Yes, there is homework, it's new. So I'm going

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to be kind of covering it from that perspective. So let's start

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off with just a broad overview that attachment theory is

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obviously going to be really relevant if you've got a very

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young child because we think it develops around sort of eight

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months. So it's a really helpful tool to look at it from that

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perspective. But it is also supremely helpful when we are

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supporting teens. So it is never ever too late to revisit, or to

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learn around attachment theories. So let's start with

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this notion about actually, why is attachment theory important

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to even discuss why is it even relevant, and the relevance is

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that we have to remember that obviously, we are human beings.

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And we have these phenomenally evolved brain that allows us to

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do all sorts of incredible things and create all sorts of

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things. But at the basic level, we are animals, we are mammals

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and our young, are dependent on us for a significantly longer

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period than other mammals young are dependent, so our children

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are dependent on us, they can't move and take themselves away

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from danger, they can't communicate and they can't feed

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themselves. So there would be it would make complete sense for

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there to be mechanisms in place. That would be for my survival,

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what we call adaptive for children to create a strong bond

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with an individual. And that's really what we're talking about

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in terms of attachment theory. But when we talk about

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attachment, it really refers to this process by which a child

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then forms this this attachment, this connection with an

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individual, an adult that they know is going to be able to

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scoop them up should they be in any danger. And when we're

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talking about attachment for the for the sort of the relevance in

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terms of parenting and how we approach particular challenges

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with our children. It really hinges around this very crucial

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concept around emotional sensitivity. So in order to

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achieve this strong attachment, this strong bond, the caregiver,

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the parent needs to show high levels of emotional sensitivity

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and emotional responsiveness. So that connection comes from our

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demonstrating that emotional responsiveness to our children's

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needs. And the reason why that this is so important is that

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attachment theory predicts that those early childhood

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experiences those early attachments that our children

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have, and create, then form this blueprint for how all future

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relationships are likely to be formed long term. So when we

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look at these early attachments, how they then form in terms of

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the relationships that our children then subsequently have

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with friends, and the relationships that our children

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then have in terms of romantic relationships in the future. And

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according to General attachment theory, we are generally I've

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80% of us have this what we call a secure attachment, or there

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are a smaller percentage that then have a number of different

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in secure attachments, which are created as a result of how those

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emotional needs are met or not met when our children are

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younger. So that's the kind of the broad picture as to why

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these happen. And there is lots of this suggestion that those

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early attachments when we're younger, then continue forward

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into adulthood and into our teens, in terms of the

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relationships that we then subsequently have, which is why

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it's so important that we are aware of it, because then we can

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act on that. So I'm just going to give you a broad outline of

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some research that has then sort of fed into this narrative about

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secure attachments and insecure attachments, just so that you

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understand when you're looking at the resource, how that

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relates to it. And then we'll get nitty gritty into what does

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that actually mean in terms of day to day. So what are the ways

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that attachment that well, the way that attachment is measured

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is in a laboratory, and it was the technique was pulled

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together by a lady called Mary Ainsworth in the US. And it's

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called the strange situation. Now, I'm very familiar with

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this, because when I was studying for my PhD, as a post

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graduate, we were often called upon to be the stranger in the

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strange situation. So the strange situation is this, a

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mother, and it's usually mother father sometimes used to do

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this, but quite often in a research setting, it was mother

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would come in with a child. And they will be taken into a room

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that looked a little bit like a sort of a sitting room as such.

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So there'll be a sofa, there'd be a rug, there'd be some toys,

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and there would be a mirror. And that mirror was basically a two

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way mirror where there would be cameras on the other side

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recording. And they will really be looking and recording the

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strange situation. It's all about how a child responds

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across a number of different sort of scenarios that are

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created. And the strange situation is obviously they're

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in a situation they're unfamiliar. So the camera is

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rolling, Mother and Child enter the room, there are some toys

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mother would then usually sit on the sofa. And the researcher

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will be looking at how the child explores the room. What do they

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do around the toys? What's their proximity to their mother, what

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would happen after a short while is that a stranger would enter

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the room, the stranger is usually a postdoc, or

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postdoctoral student. And they that stranger would begin to

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engage with mother and talking. And again, the researchers are

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looking at how does that child respond to that stranger? what

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would then happen is after that short conversation, Mother would

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leave the room. So the child is then left with the stranger. And

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then the researchers are looking at how does the child respond to

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that stranger

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when they're left on their own? And then after a short while,

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the parent returns, and the researcher is looking at what

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does the child do on that reunion when Mum walks back into

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the room, and then the stranger leaves? And that's the end of

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the strange situation. Now, if we're thinking about this from

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an adaptive what would be adaptive, were thinking of us

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not necessarily in terms of human beings and people who were

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thinking, but in fact, in terms of animals, what would make

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sense for a baby to do in those situations, if we wanted to make

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sure that we survived as a species? Well, if we survived as

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a species, we would want that child in an unfamiliar situation

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that they would be a little bit nervous, that when someone who

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don't who they do not know arrives and is present, that

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they would be wary of that of that individual. And also when

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they're then left with that individual, that the child would

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then be nervous. And that is pretty much the types of

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behavior that we would expect to see with a child who we call a

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child that has a secure attachment, and a secure

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attachment is this attachment where they feel that their

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emotional needs are being met. it and responded to by that

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person that they've got an attachment to. So what we would

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typically find in a secure attachment is that the child

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would explore the room while mum is there, and they would be

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close, but not literally on top of her, that when the stranger

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arrived and started talking to mum that they would be a bit

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wary and a bit nervous and keep a reasonable distance from them,

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that when Mum leaves the room, that they are sort of very

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tearful, and that they would get upset. And that weren't meant

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when Mum returns that they would actively seek her out. So crawl

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if they're still young or not walking towards her, or walk if

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they're that little bit older, and that they're consoled quite

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quickly, and then they return back to play. That's a secure

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attachment. That's a child who knows that that individual has

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and is able to respond to their emotional needs. And that is

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what we're really looking for. Now, the reason why I say this,

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if you're listening to this, and you've got a very young child,

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maybe you're returning to work, or maybe you've already returned

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to work, and you are guilt stricken, because you have to

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leave your child at home with a nanny. Or maybe you're going to

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a child minder, or you're dropping them off at nursery and

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you feel dreadful, you feel that you're failing as a mother, you

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feel that your child is becoming traumatized because you've

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dropped them off, or maybe even your parents look after them or

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your in laws look after them. So it's really part of this sort of

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knowledge, that understanding attachment is knowing that

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that's a really normal thing, our children should have

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separation anxiety, they should, you know, it's a normal part of

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development. So that's the first reason in terms of looking at it

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is that the child is having that that's a normal process. If your

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children are older, if they're five, or six, and they're still

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experiencing that separation, that's absolutely fine, too.

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It's a normal part of them being away from that, and beginning to

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learn that new environments are also safe places and other

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people are people that they can begin to form those attachments

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with, and to know that they are also going to respond to their

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emotional needs. So that's one of the reasons why I talk about

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this. But the other reason why it's really important when we're

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talking about attachment theory, in terms of understanding the

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mechanics of what we use to measure is that our children are

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understandably going to feel unsettled when they're put into

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a strange situation, whether they're young, or whether

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they're older, whether we've got a 1314 year old, that finds it

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really difficult when they're put in a situation that is

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unfamiliar, because they're still in that process of trying

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to figure out whether that environment is a comfortable,

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safe environment, where they're safe bases, you know, when we

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talk about a child exploring an environment that is close to us,

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and you might be listening to this with a young child or an

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older child, and you can remember, we can all remember

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those times when our children clung on to our leg or our hand

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or behind us, that was part of their way of beginning to

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explore their environment. And so it's really important when we

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see some of this behavior to a understand that it's that it's

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normal, and be to be able to understand where that comes

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from, our children are still working out and assimilating the

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information. And so rather than us trying to thrust them

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forward, in those situations, it's being able to recognize,

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ah, right, my child feels slightly uncomfortable here,

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they haven't quite worked out who is their secure base, who is

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that person that they can reach out to when they're feeling a

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bit vulnerable. And whilst they're still wobbling from

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transitioning from saying goodbye to me, too, then

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transitioning to this situation. So I'm going to give them that

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time and that reassurance that everything is alright, rather

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than feeling that I need to throw them into that situation.

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So it's, you know, knowledge is power, and being able to

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understand that these behaviors are typical and normal, and

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actually adaptive, they are meant they were placed there to

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help our children or young or vulnerable children to be able

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to survive. And whilst they're not in any immediate threat,

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they still may feel threatened by some of those situations. So

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it's really important that we understand that, and then that

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we respond with that emotional responsiveness which I shall

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come back to, again, because that's what our children need in

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those specific situations. It isn't just what they need when

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they're tiny babies. They need it all the way throughout. And

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we need to be continually sort of demonstrating for that

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topping up their blueprint, helping them feel reassured in

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those strange situations so they can then move forward. Now, what

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I do want to talk about is that there are sort of schools of

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parenting, for example, attachment parenting, which may

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advocate very particular styles of parenting with guidelines and

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principles. Now I am not going to support or criticize these,

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because I fundamentally disagree with following any regimented

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School of parenting. So I'm not going to go through all the

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different parenting schools of thought. But my genuine belief

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is that if you are having to categorize your style of

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parenting within one school of thought, I don't think that that

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is healthy, I don't think that that is the right way to go

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about it. Because for me optimal parenting practices, they should

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vary wildly from one family to another, because the dynamics of

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the individuals in each family vary wildly. So there are of

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course, some basic fundamental principles, which are good

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practice, for example, understanding what attachment

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theory is, but I don't necessarily believe that what we

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should then be doing is advocating for one type of

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parenting style, and one type of parenting school, I think

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parenting should be an eclectic mix of taking in information and

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knowledge from multiple different schools, multiple

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different thoughts around parenting, putting in the

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fundamental basics that we need our children to be able to

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understand, and that are crucial and important, but then adapting

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and modifying these, because for our individual families, rather

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than feeling that we have to rigidly adhere to one particular

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school. So for me, what's really important if you're listening to

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this is that healthy attachments with our children do not require

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us to breastfeed our children. Healthy attachments do not

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require of us to have our babies strapped to us at all times. And

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neither does good attachment require of us to co sleep with

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our children. Now we can of course, choose to breastfeed our

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children for as long as we want. That's our choice, we can also

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choose to babywear our child for as long as we want. And that's

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our choice. And we can also choose to co sleep with our baby

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for as long as we feel if it feels right for us and our

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partner and our family situation. What I am against is

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feeling that if you don't do these, amongst others, you will

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not have a healthy and secure relationship with your child.

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And that there will be all sorts of negative outcomes when they

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become adults, that I do not advocate for them.

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I think, you know, a lot of this is about really digging deep as

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to what feels right for my family. And if it's jarring with

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you, if anything that you read, if anything you hear doesn't sit

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right, then it isn't right for your family. It doesn't matter

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if everyone else is hailing it and talking about it as the next

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best thing and how important it is. If it doesn't feel right to

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co sleep with your child, don't do it. If it doesn't feel right,

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or that there are mechanisms, or that there are things that mean

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that you don't end up breastfeeding your child, then

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that is absolutely fine, you are going to have an a phenomenally

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secure attachment. Because attachment is about your

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emotional responsiveness to your child, it is not about having

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your child glued to you in every conceivable way. So it's really

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important that we remember this, I think that there is so much

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thrown at us as parents that make us feel guilty about all

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manner of things. And it's just unnecessary for that to be the

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case. So what is the crucial takeaway, in my opinion, from

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attachment theory is that we are sensitive to respond to our

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children's emotional needs. And we support we provide support,

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and help our children to regulate these big emotions. And

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we do this by helping them contain those big emotions in a

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kind of metaphorical vessel. Yeah, with creating some form of

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containment for that. So that there it's not about containing

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it as in getting them to keep their emotions to themselves,

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but providing a metaphorical vessel for them to work through

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that emotion that is contained, rather than meeting their

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emotional dysregulation with our emotional dysregulation. And

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then what happens is you have a young child a five year old six

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year old 12 year old 13 year old feeling emotionally dysregulated

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feeling this huge emotion that takes up their whole world that

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is then met with our frustration, irritation, upset

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anger, rage. And then what's happening is this child isn't

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feeling I can't cope. And the way that my parent is reacting

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suggests that this is also a situation that is unfair. Super

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Bowl. And that's where we get into these huge spirals. So it's

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really remembering if you take one thing away from this podcast

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episode around attachment. It's this notion around our

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responsiveness and our sensitivity to that. And it's

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not about being permissive. You know, when we talk about helping

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our children manage and regulate their emotions, is not about

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saying it's okay to have a absolute meltdown, because I've

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asked you to go to bed. It's not about saying it's okay when a

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teenager answers back and is rude or pushes boundaries

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constantly. But what it means when we're talking about being

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emotionally responsive, is understanding the emotion behind

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that. It's understanding that when our child is nervous about

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something, that they may respond in an angry, frustrated, lashing

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out way that is simply indicating fear. And our role in

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terms of responding and being emotionally sensitive in that

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moment is to provide the container and the

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acknowledgement that this feels really scary for you right now,

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and not presenting solutions. But being that vessel that helps

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them contain that by meeting it compassionately, by meeting it

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with a hug, if that's what your child needs a reassurance and

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affirming that it feels difficult for them a

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conversation, or sitting just next to and being with them as

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they experienced that bigger motion rather than pushing them

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away. So it's really remembering that those are our roles in

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those moments. And of course, there'll be times where their

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big emotion pushes buttons with hours, and we experience a big

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emotion. But if we can contain their emotion in this vessel,

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that helps them begin to defuse that by not meeting it without

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most of the time, then that really is us being emotionally

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responsive, and being emotionally sensitive in that

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time. So your takeaway lesson, in this new format podcast is to

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ask yourself these two questions and to ask yourself these two

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questions, honestly. The first is, how am I currently showing

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up for my child emotionally? And please don't get caught up in

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the negative bits. But really, what am I doing currently, that

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I'm pleased with that I'm doing that is showing that I'm

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emotionally responsive and emotionally available? And I'm

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helping them? And it may well be that you're doing that? Because

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you're having conversations with them? Maybe at bedtime? You're

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having conversations about things? Maybe you're being

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emotionally, you're showing up currently, because you're

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labeling their emotions for them? Maybe you're showing up

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for your child emotionally? Because you're taking time to

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look after you. Yeah, quite often, we get caught up in the

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How am I showing up currently for my child, because we get

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caught up in it? What am I doing for my child, but actually

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showing up for your child emotionally, also is around us

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taking time to take care of us so that we can then be available

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to emotionally regulate for them? So the first question is,

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how am I currently showing up for my child emotionally? And

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you may need to do that multiple times for each child, because

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you may be showing up differently, emotionally for

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each child. And then the second question is, in what ways could

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I help my child better when it comes to emotional containment?

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So it's really looking at for each of my children right now?

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How could I better show up to help them with their emotional

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containment? And this is much more about where they're at

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currently? What's the space they're in? What support do they

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need? And with this new knowledge that I have around

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attachment theory, in this new information, what might I want

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to add in what might I want to top up having done that

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reflective piece that they may need right now? Because

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remember, our children need different things at different

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times. They're going through different ages and stages,

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they're dealing with different challenges at different times.

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So it's thinking through, how might I in this moment, then

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maybe change and for some of your children, it may well be

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that there is nothing else that you need to do? And that's

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great. But make sure that in the what ways could I help my child

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better when it comes to emotional containment is not

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just look at what you might do for your child, but what might

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you be able to do that involves work that you need to do for

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yourself in terms of making sure that you're okay to make sure

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that your child's okay. So I'm hoping that you like this new

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format. We're going to be sticking to this format of the

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podcast this new format for some time. And please feel free to

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kind of send in your feedback because I think maybe ending

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with a takeaway lesson. And the resource at the beginning might

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be a new, fun way of exploring it, but do email in with your

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thoughts at contact at Dr. Mary hunt.com and please Please do

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take the time to rate and review if you have enjoyed this podcast

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