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Bring Your Mess Into The Light
Episode 404th May 2022 • The 6570 Family Project • Nellie Harden
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Life can feel like an arena. In parenting and in teen and tween life especially. Getting up and ready to face the challenges every day. In your arena, you have 3 seats that are always taken up: Scarcity, Comparison, and Shame. In this episode, I walk through how these three “gremlins” show up in our arenas and what you can do about them!

About the Host:

Nellie Harden is a wife of 20+ years, mom to 4 teen/tween daughters, dreamer, adventurer, servant, multipreneur, forever student, and a devoted teacher, but her ride-or-die passion is her work as a Family Life Coach & Mentor. 

Coming from a career background in marine mammal sciences, behavioral work, and a host of big life experiences, both great and not some not so great, she decided that designing a life of purpose and freedom was how she and her husband, along with their 4 daughters, wanted to live. 

Her work and passions exist in the realms of family and parent mentorship because she believes that a family filled with creativity, fun, laughter, challenge, adventure, problem-solving, hugs, good food, and learning can not only change a person’s life but is the best chance at positively changing the world. 

She helps families build Self-Led Discipline™ & Leadership Into their homes, sets their children up for a wildly successful life on their terms, and elevates the family experience with big joy, palpable peace, and everyday growth!

With a lifelong passion and curiosity in thought, choice, behavior, and growth she has found incredible joy in helping families shift perspective, find answers, and a path forward.

 

(Nellie has been coaching families for over 10 years and has degrees in Biology, Animal Behavior and Psychology. ) 

 

LINKS:

Family Success Vault- https://www.nellieharden.com/vault

Website- https://www.nellieharden.com

Online Community- https://www.facebook.com/groups/the6570project

Instagram- https://www.instagram.com/nellieharden/   

Facebook- https://www.facebook.com/nellie.harden/

 

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Transcripts

Nellie Harden:

Hello and welcome to the 6570 family project

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podcast. If you are a parent of a tween teen or somewhere on the

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way, this is exactly the place for you. This is the playground

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for parents who want to raise their kids with intention,

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strength and joy. Come and hear all the discussions, get all the

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tactics and have lots of laughs along the way. We will dive into

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the real challenges and raising kids today how to show up as

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parents and teach your kids how to show up as members of the

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family and individuals of the world. My name is Mellie Hardin,

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big city girl turn small town sipping iced tea on the front

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porch mama, who loves igniting transformation in the hearts and

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minds of families by helping them build self love, discipline

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and leadership that elevate the family experience, and sets the

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kids up with a rock solid foundation, they can launch

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their life on all before they ever leave home. This is the

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6570 family project. Let's go Hello, everyone. Welcome to

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another episode of the 6570 family project podcast where we

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are putting aside those power struggles and really finding the

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path to lead our young women toward confidence, respect and

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wisdom and prepare them for the great big world out there. And

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today we're going to be talking about how we can ourselves and

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help our daughters and our any children that we have bring our

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mess into the light, normalize mess and be able to start

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unraveling it in order to get those knots out. So if you have

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not yet I really encourage you to look up Man in the Arena. It

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is a

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poem or speech that Theodore Roosevelt gave. And it is so

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good Brene Brown, love Brene Brown. And she really talks

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about this in some of her talks. And this is something that

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really struck me because when we're in when we are in life, it

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often feels like a fight or a challenge, at least that we are

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getting through every single day. Even if it's a great day,

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you still got through that day with Triumph. And on our hardest

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days, we get through that day with Triumph. And so Man in the

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Arena is such a powerful statement that can be put

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together highly encourage you to look it up, just Google it, you

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will find it Man in the Arena, Theodore Roosevelt, I have it in

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my house. And it really reminds us of who's in the arena, who we

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are, who we can listen to, to get actual good guidance and who

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we should not listen to, to get guidance. And three of those

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seats that are often taken up in our arena are scarcity, shame

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and comparison, those are the ones we do not want to listen

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to. But if we don't invite them in a they're gonna find a way in

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no matter what. And they're gonna lurk in the corners,

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they're going to sneak up on us when we least expect it, they

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are going to surprise us and it is not going to be good. So kind

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of like inviting the enemies in, right? We want to invite them

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in, get put, show them to their seats, and be able to shine a

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light on them. So we always know where they are. We always know

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what they're going to say. And we can always just be able to

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let them be for what they are and then walk away and be in our

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arena. Does that make sense? No your enemies, right. Okay, so

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let's dive into these a little bit. It is comparison, shame and

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scarcity. And Brene. Brown has a TED Talk that she talked a

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little bit about, well, a lot a bit about the Man in the Arena

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and some of these seats. And we're going to dive into it in

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the context of what we do in the 6570 family project. So let's

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talk about comparison. Comparison is going to show up

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as stories that we tell ourselves in our head that

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either glorify us and put someone else down or the

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opposite, right? It is going to really put us down and glorify

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someone else. And these are often worst case scenarios for

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one best case scenarios for another. Which means it's not

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really true that the truth lies somewhere in the middle there

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and it's this comparison trap that we get in of I will never

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be as smart as that other person. I will never be a good

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enough parent. I will never write the always nevers I am

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always too tired for this. I am. I can never do that. That move

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in soccer like my teammate. Ken, I will never get into college, I

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will never get that scholarship. All of these catastrophizing

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events can happen with yourself in the driver's seat. Or it can

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be this grandiose, inflated esteem, which is always fake

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where it is, I am so much better than everyone else, I am so much

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better than them because of this, you know, a, b, and c. So

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this comparison is really a dangerous place to be for our

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children and ourselves. And if we can, again, shine that light

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on there, unravel this and find out what's going on, then we can

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start to deal with it. This can be particularly dangerous when

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there's comparison between siblings, or what often happens

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to is when there's comparison between parent, the parents

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teenage years, and what the teenager is the teen or tween is

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going through right now. Right? The whole quote unquote, when I

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was your age, you know, so those can be particularly demeaning

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and harsh, because they are inside of the home. So again,

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let's put a light on them know where comparison is coming from,

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not be afraid to have the conversation about it. And then

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we can start to unravel it and get to the root. So that's

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comparison, it's always going to be there. So be aware of

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comparison in your arena. So let's talk about shame. And

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shame is the defining identity of I Am, anything that comes

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after I am you can put that is not shining a positive light on

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yourself. That is going to be in the shame category. Anything

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that you could say I am that you're not proud of. You

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wouldn't stand in front of the arena and shouted unnecessarily

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then with with pride, good pride, not demeaning pride, but

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good pride, then that goes into the shame category. And when we

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start to get into the I am statements, then we're

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catastrophizing again, right? These are all close cousins

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comparison, shame and identity. They're like the three

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musketeers that like to hang out and they're like, Ooh, you

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didn't get them this time. I'm going to try and get them this

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time, right? Oh, okay, let's try this time and they strategize,

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right these these three seeds shame, comparison and scarcity.

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So when you're down there in the arena, and you have these

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feelings and thoughts of, I am never going to get into college,

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I am never enough, I am never going to get the attention of

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this person that I'm interested in. I am never going to get this

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scholarship, right. All of those things, those are identifying

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markers and what it does is it puts you in a box and when it

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puts you in a box that is just an acceptance of the way that it

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is box there is no getting out of there. There's no work to be

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done in order to undefine something right? So that's why

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it can be so dangerous. If you say I am not smart, then that's

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just what it is right? And you get into this it is what it is

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type of mentality which is one of my husband's like least

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favorite things ever. Which I can see why because you are then

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just defining it and you're saying it is what it is

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therefore I will not work on it. Let's move on to something else

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and just accept this character about myself. And it's not even

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true. It's not even true. Shame is not true. Okay. They are the

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lies that we are telling ourselves about who we are. So

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when the thing it is what it is it goes with some things I don't

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want to throw it under the bus because there are some things

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that just are what they are like the car was in an accident. Yes,

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absolutely. That is definitively true. Right? But my daughter is

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depressed and it and it made me upset right? We don't have to

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say our daughter is depressed and it just is what it is and

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we're going to live with it. No right shame blocks us from

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action toward the things that are actionable. Okay. So

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material things can be defined it is what it is, but feelings

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and lives cannot feelings and lives emotions, actions. Those

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are actionable and we can always change them if we're still here.

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We can change them. Okay. So then there is scarcity the I

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will never be enough so why try? I will never be able to talk to

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them in their room. So why try I see this with parents sometimes.

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You know, when I'm talking to them about having those

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intentional conversations and they're like my kid will never

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let me in my room. So I'm not even going to try. I already

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know what they're going to say. That's that scarcity mindset,

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right? I will never be able to. So that is the other seat, you

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guys again, shining a light on there and being receptive to the

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effects that these three seats have, right. And when we can do

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that, then when we're down in the arena, we could say I see

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you, I see you, I know that I am enough, I know that there is

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enough of whatever it is that you need out there. I know that

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I am one unique person, and there aren't so many other

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people that have come before me that are just like me, I'm not a

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dime a dozen, I am a unique person for a unique purpose.

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Right? That is where scarcity can really, really get you. When

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it just says what doesn't matter? Don't do anything.

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Everybody else has already tried that and not and it doesn't

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work, or other people have tried that. And it has and they're

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doing great. So why would you come in and try, right? And so

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your child really needs you, as the parent as the family

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architect that is planning, designing and building the

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beginning of their life to help them see these three Gremlins,

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as Brennan calls them, that are always in the seats comparison,

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shame and scarcity. So comparison, I'm not as good as

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shame. I am fill in the blank scarcity, never enough blank,

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right? So all three of these breed isolation. And as we know,

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my, if you've ever done any sort of biology lab ever, isolation

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is where things grow. They breed and they grow in the darkness of

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that isolation, like a petri dish, right? So let's put a

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light on these things. Put a light on them. If you don't want

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to talk about something right away, because you don't have the

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words. That's absolutely fine. Right? If if you're trying to

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figure out where is this scarcity, shame and comparison

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happening, and you're feeling some things, and you're

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questioning some things, and you're being curious about

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things, but you don't necessarily have the words yet.

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That is okay. Take some time. But definitely, definitely come

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back. And this reminds me so not too long ago, there was this

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event that was happening really early in the morning. I'm

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talking like, I think it started at 6:15am. And it was on a

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Sunday. It was really early in the morning. And I wanted to go

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to it. But I wasn't going to make anyone in my anyone else in

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my house, go to it because it's early. It's a weekend. And so I

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got up and my husband did come with me. And we went and I think

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it was like a day later, it might have been a day or two

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later.

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I just noticed he was acting a little off. And I asked I was

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like So Are you okay, what's going on? He's like, I just, I

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just don't have the words right now. And I was like, Okay, well,

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be sure you come back to me when you do. And another couple of

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days passed, and we were sitting there eating lunch, and he

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seemed, you know better. And I said, so the other day when you

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said you didn't have the words, do you have the words now? And

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he's like, Well, I thought about it, and I'm okay. And I was

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like, Well, what was it? You know? And so what happened is

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these Gremlins were speaking to him in his arena. And they were

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telling him, You know what, she didn't invite you and didn't

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want you to come on Sunday morning. She wanted to be by

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herself. And so she didn't even invite you and didn't want you

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there. And I was like, Oh, my goodness. I was like, no, no,

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no, that is not true at all. I'm so sorry. You thought that

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right? That was his truth was I didn't even want them there. And

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my truth was, it would be selfish of me to ask him to come

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to this and sacrifice his weekend morning because we're so

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busy during the week. I don't want him to sacrifice, you know,

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resting and sleeping in on a on a weekend. And so I'm not even

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going to selfishly ask him to come so he feels like there's an

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obligation to come. So my place was I love him so much. I don't

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want to bother him and give him an obligation to come. And his

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place was she is you know, pulling away. She doesn't want

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me to come so she didn't even ask and see where that can

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happen. These are the Gremlins that are in our arenas, and I

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see this with our kids all the time and but that's just an

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example that happened, you know recently with us, but unless we

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brought that into To the light, he never would have known what

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the truth was. And he just would have been living with this

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acceptance of it is what it is. Okay. So that is a great example

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of how we need to bring it into the light, unravel it, get the

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truth, and then move on, right. So if we can expect these seats

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to be there, make room for them, invite them in. And so they

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aren't pushing their way in when they're pushing their wing in,

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they're going to knock something else good out of the way. I have

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two rescue dogs and every single time I let them outside, one of

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them she can be behind her. The boy, he could be behind our girl

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dog. But as soon as you crack the door, I don't know that

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numbskull. He just plows through and like knocks everybody out of

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the way and cluding himself, he's knocking himself in the

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head so he can get outside first. And that is what I see

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with these three. These three seats of scarce scarcity, shame

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and comparison, pushing their way into your arena and knocking

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some good stuff out of the way because of it. So invite them

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in, Shine the light, put the spotlights on them, be sure you

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always know where they are and what they are up to. And then

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they will never be able to surprise you. Right? The more we

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can expect, the easier it will be for us. And it reminds me of

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what is it Hunger Games, right moves and countermoves Okay, you

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guys, I hope that you got so much out of this today. And you

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can be more aware of these three Gremlins in your arena as you're

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going throughout the day, and teach your kids to be more aware

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of them as well. I will be back next week with another episode

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and remember to keep teaching, keep laughing and keep loving

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and above all remember to keep showing up with intention during

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this 6570 parenthood childhood experience because they need

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you. All right, everyone, I will talk to you soon. Thank you so

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much for listening today. And I hope you were able to take

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something from our discussion that you can use to build the

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foundation of selfless leadership in your own family.

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If you are a parent with children 17 or younger, and

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especially those around nine and up, I would love to extend an

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invitation to you to the best club in town. The family

Nellie Harden:

architects Club is a private club where intentional parents

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go that want to love support, connect or reconnect and really

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truly help guide their kids and teach them how to self leave in

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discipline and leadership. This is an online community and the

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you are welcome to it. Parenting is a project and you are the

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architect of this one. You plan you design and oversee the

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construction of the beginning of someone else's life. And that's

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what goes into these first 6570 days. And it will be the

Nellie Harden:

foundation for the rest of their lives. So

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come join the club. You can find your invitation on the front

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page of my website Nelly hardin.com that is n e ll ie H

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AR d e n.com. Thank you again for being a part of this

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conversation today. And if something really resonated with

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you, or if you have a question, please don't hesitate to connect

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with me. You can find me on Instagram at Nelly Hardin. And

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lastly if you love the information, please please leave

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a five star review and a comment so more and more families can be

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impacted by harnessing the strength of these ideas and

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tools in their own families. So thank you so much. Happy

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building you guys and I'll see you next week.

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