Shownotes
We tend to talk about resilience like it is a fixed trait, something you are simply born with or without. This episode of Mind Over Matter pushes back on that idea. Host Architha talks with author Jane Rogers, who has lived with epilepsy for over 30 years, about what resilience is actually made of underneath the myth of toughness, and how it gets built quietly, piece by piece, rather than handed out at birth.
Jane shares how childhood bullying, chronic illness, and years of daily unseen struggle shaped a different kind of strength, one built through inner voice, community, and the choice to stay compassionate rather than harden. If you have ever felt fragile and unsure you are one of the strong ones, this conversation offers a steadier way to think about what strength really is.
About the Guest:
Jane Rogers was diagnosed with epilepsy at 13 and has lived with the condition for over 30 years. She is the author of the memoir "Laughing Through the Storm," with proceeds supporting the Epilepsy Ottawa Foundation.
Key Takeaways:
- Resilience is a set of inner skills built over time, not the absence of pain or struggle.
- Suppressing feelings and building real resilience can look similar from the outside, but one quietly depletes you while the other genuinely strengthens you.
- The same hardship that breaks some people can become material to build with, depending on what you do inside it.
- Surrounding yourself with people who understand what you are going through, rather than isolating, is one of the most practical ways to rebuild strength.
- Resilience often starts with changing the voice that meets you the moment you fall, not with becoming harder.
Connect With the Guest:
Website: https://laughingthroughthestorm.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/laughingthroughthestorm
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/jane.rogers.339999
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jane-rogers-46684842
Episode Chapters:
[00:00] Welcome to Mind Over Matter — meeting Jane Rogers (approx.)
[03:00] What quiet strength actually feels like (approx.)
[07:00] Taking apart the myth of resilience as toughness (approx.)
[13:00] Childhood bullying and choosing compassion over hardening (approx.)
[19:00] What resilience looks like on an ordinary hard day (approx.)
[25:00] Suppression versus real inner strength (approx.)
[28:00] Practical ways to rebuild strength, starting with your inner voice (approx.)
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Transcripts
00:00:06 Archita: We tend to talk about resilience like it's a thing. Some people are simply born with the strong ones, the unbreakable ones, the ones who seem to take the hits and keep standing. But that's not really how resilience works. It isn't a fixed rate handed out at birth.
00:00:24 Archita: Welcome to mind over matter. I am Akita, and this is the show where we explore the inner strength it takes to meet whatever life puts in front of us, not with force, but with the quiet, determined kind of power that comes from within. Tonight we are looking at the inner architecture of resilience, what it's actually made of, how it gets built and how anyone, not just the so called strong ones, can strengthen the structure inside themselves. My guest tonight brings real depth to this question of inner strength. And I'm so glad to welcome Jane Rogers to the show. So, Jane, before we get into the deeper layers of all of this, I would love to start somewhere human. So when you think of a moment you felt genuinely strong, not loud or tough, but quietly, steadily strong. What comes to mind for you?
00:01:24 Jane Rogers: Um, well, for me it was. I really, uh, learned how strong I am. Uh, when I was like twenty one, um, I was in, um, the hospital at the time. I was going through a rough time in my life with dislocations and not being listened to, but there was something inside of me that was so much stronger. That started building because of the, um, the, uh, hard time I was going through at that time. And it, it really actually shocked me how strong I really was. I really had become. And I knew that despite all of the, the circumstances I was going through at that time, it, uh, I realized that I'm way stronger than I give myself credit for.
00:03:05 Archita: Yeah. And, you know, Jane, I think most of the people don't even realize how strong they are unless they're put in a tough situation and they come out of it, uh, you know, unscratched. And that's, that's a really important realization. So I think what you just said, it will resonate with a lot of our listeners. Um, and yeah, it's, it's always in the unexpected moments when we really realize the strength that exists inside of us that we haven't been able to recognize yet. So I think this is a great place to start this conversation with. And I'm, I'm really glad you shared that with us. And, um, now without wasting any further time, let's dive into the conversation. So I want to start by taking part, uh, taking apart the world word itself, because I think we have inherited a misleading picture of it. Resilience gets sold to us as toughness, as not feeling things, as powering through. So help us see it more truly from your experience, Jane, what is resilience actually made of underneath the myth, and where does the popular image of it get the whole thing wrong?
00:04:21 Jane Rogers: Well, for me, um, like, I mean, you know, I've built it way over time. But for me, it was honestly, at one point in my life, I felt like I was like, this is not going to take me down. And like pure stubbornness, wanting to keep going regardless of the circumstances I was going through, I was like, this is not going to be my like, who I'm going to become. I'm, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm, um, meant to be here for something much more bigger than this. And I know, like, I know I have that stubborn side, but the grit in my, in my, uh, in my core, but I, I know I've gotten that from my parents from their own circumstances growing up. So I, I, I get that very much from them. And I, um, yeah, I, I, I could say definitely just in those times I was just like, there's no way I'm coming getting down because of this, you know, like I am, despite all these circumstances, I got, you know, somehow find a way to get out of this rubble and climb my way back to a place where, you know, I'm good, you know, comfortable again. Let's just put it that way. Yeah.
00:05:48 Archita: That, uh, there's just something so important in what you just unpacked. Because the myth of resilience as toughness actually makes people feel weak for struggling when struggling is part of the whole structure itself. And, and, uh, what you are describing is something more honest, that resilience as a set of inner skills, not an absence of pain. And, um, the hidden inner work you just named is the part nobody sees, which is exactly why people assume the resilient have it easy, but they don't. And they have just built something inside that the rest of us can build to. And I think that was a really important reminder for all of us. So thank you so much for sharing that, Jane. And, um, now let's go to the foundations because if resilience is built rather than born, then the question becomes how? And I'm genuinely curious how you understand its origins. So, Jane, where does this inner architecture actually get constructed and in what kinds of experiences, in what quite daily choices, and how does a person go from feeling fragile to having something solid to stand on inside themselves?
00:07:03 Jane Rogers: Well, from my experiences, like my first real experience of, um, being in a place where I was, uh, pegged as weak and weird and all this sort of stuff was, uh, when I was, uh, thirteen, um, In junior high when I was diagnosed with epilepsy. So I became, um, someone, well, you know, like that was a target for bullying. And I also had, uh, uh, like I was getting, um, tormented by my brothers at home. So I was getting, uh, you know, attacked in many angles in different, different places of where I am in my life. And, uh, I, uh, had to like, kind of keep my head down and, and kind of stop. Uh, I learned I couldn't share my struggles with these people because it was more ammo for them. So I had to keep quiet and I had to learn to control that and, and, um, try to find a way to, uh, get a get out of this place. But it built a very, even though, um, at that time in my life. Well, at anybody at the age of thirteen, you know, you're just your body is changing, everything is kind of changing. And anything bad that could happen to you can really, um, put you on a different path throughout your life. And it definitely did for me. Like I, for years, I, I had many issues with confidence and so on and so forth. Um, but it also, it, it made me stronger in many ways because because of, um, facing those massive challenges at that, at that early age. Um, and, uh, I, um, yeah, it, it was a, a very big challenge at that time and there was many more in the future. It was just the start. Like, I mean, this was just the start of those massive challenges I would go through. Uh, but, uh, the bullying stage was, um, you know, it. I, uh, I learned to try to adapt. I found my people. I found a couple of friends that didn't, um, um, you know, look at me as, um, you know, like a weakling or or a weirdo, you know, uh, they just saw me as me as a girl who wanted to be belong. So I stuck to those people like glue. And, and, uh, I learned to, um, I learned a very good lesson at that time in my life, too, is I learned that, um, I could choose two different paths. I could either choose to become, um, um, just become a bully myself and be mean to others because because of how I was treated. Or I could choose to be compassionate and choose the higher ground. Um, and I obviously chose the higher ground on that and being more compassionate and seeing people differently and like seeing them outside of what their, what they, um, you know, try to look like on the, on the surface. I, I learned to, um, you know, be more compassionate with people and not always judge a book by its cover either. Um, and, and I'm grateful that I, I learned early on to not, not choose the easy road of being just cruel to others because I was, I was being attacked, you know? Yeah.
00:10:55 Archita: Yeah, I can, I can only imagine how difficult that must have been for you. But, you know, finding resilience in those times, that's, I think that's the most important and the toughest thing that a person can do. So, um, you know, I'm really glad that you're here today and you're teaching others, um, how to get that, how to build that resilience in their lives as well. And that's such a crucial distinction, the one you mentioned, because adversity doesn't automatically build resilience. Plenty of people are hardened or broken by it rather than strengthened. And what you're pointing to is that it's not the hardship itself. It's what we do inside the hardship that builds the structure and that puts something back in our hands. You know, the the difficult thing isn't just happening to us. It's also material we can build with. I think that reframes a lot of people's relationship to, to what they have survived the breaking and the building. I think it can come from the very same event, and that is something a lot of listeners needed to hear today. So I'm so glad we talked about this, Jane. And now I want to bring this into the everyday life because resilience isn't just for the big catastrophes. It shows up in the small. Um, grinding moments too. So walk us through how inner strength or the lack of it actually appears in someone's ordinary days and how they handle a setback, a criticism, a disappointment that knocks the wind out of them. So what does resilience look like in the unremarkable Tuesday kind of struggle?
00:12:37 Jane Rogers: Okay. well, I would say, okay, I'm going to talk about, um, a daily life for me, um, living with epilepsy on days that, uh, I'm, I don't have seizures. I'm still, um, dealing with migraines every day I deal with, um, a feeling sometimes a little off. So I have to be very hyper aware of what's going on in my body. Um, I have to be aware of not being too overly stressed. Um, the just all the different types of triggers that could, could cause a seizure. So, um, it's, you know, um, with that being said, um, with, with that being said, it's, uh, like with having epilepsy, it's not just some grand event where you just have a seizure and that's it. You know, every the days in between those seizures, you're still dealing with a lot of, um, side effects and, and other kind of symptoms that you get. And, um, it can be very draining and frustrating. Um, and, you know, you have sometimes like for myself, I can feel down on myself and, uh, so I have to remind myself that, you know, it's, it's unfortunately how it is. Um, but I have a lot of things to be positive for, so I try to keep that strength within me, um, to, to remember that yes, it's a little hard right now, but there's so many good things that are, are in my life and let's focus on that. Like keep trying to improve your health, but let's keep focusing on the positives and not always the negatives and to keep building that strength so that I don't fall off the deep end because it's so easy to fall off the deep end when you have a condition such as myself and so many others who have chronic diseases. I'm not just talking about epileptics, so many others. Like there's so many problems that go with any kind of disease, you know, for a daily life that you just always have to try to focus on the positive things in your life and not end up falling off that deep end. And I have fallen off that deep deepened before many times in my life. And I've crawled out and I've gotten back stronger. But it you know, you just have to constantly remember to, um, you know, uh, you know, walk on the fine line of not, not, um, getting down that road, but it's definitely with building resilience over time. It's helped because, you know, I'm, I know what I've gone through and what I've got, uh, came out of and, um, luckily I've always found a way to, um, keep myself focused on the positives and not fall off the deep end, you know? Yeah.
00:15:49 Archita: That's, that's a great advice, Jane. And I, I love how, uh, you know, you, you gave that, um, Definition, because I think suppression and resilience can wear the same face, but but they lead to completely different places. One quietly costs you and the other genuinely strengthens you. And what you are helping people see is that pushing your feelings down isn't the same as having the inner structure to hold them. And I think a lot of listeners have been, um, mistaking endurance for resilience and wondering why they feel so depleted, and you just gave them a way to tell the two apart. And that's the beginning of building the real thing. And also all the advices that you have shared today. I think they are going to help a lot of listeners. So thank you so much for that. And Jane, before we close this, let's talk about how someone actually strengthens strengthens this because I don't want to leave people thinking that resilience is something you either have or you don't. So what are the genuine practical ways a person builds more inner strength over time? Not by becoming harder, but by building something more solid and flexible inside. So where does someone start if they feel fragile right now and want to construct something steadier?
00:17:20 Jane Rogers: Yeah. Um, well, I have found, um, with all of that, like, um, I have found when I've gone, when I've been in a hard part in my life, I, I found where I, when I surround myself with people who are positive and, or going through things themselves, um, it's like we, we kind of, um, you know, help each other in ways to build ourselves back to a point where we're in a good spot, but trying to keep surrounding yourself with the right kind of people is very important to so that you can build yourself back into a good place. And because if you just isolate yourself the whole time and, and, you know, go in a deeper, darker space, that, that just, it's never going to work. Well, you have to, uh, talk, talk about it and, and, uh, surround yourself with the positive energy from other people or, uh, talking to people who are also going through similar things where you can, you know, you feel like you're not so alone and, you know, you just, it, it can be very healing in that regard. And, um, it gets you on a better path. Uh, that's what I found. Like when I've been in darker places and I've, uh, went to places to, um, get some, uh, some help and so forth. Uh, it's always, uh, gone in a, you know, a better direction because like the, the, the less I talk about it, the more I close up. It just never goes in a good way. You know, you have to try, you have to start, um, sharing your story. And more and more often than not, somebody else is going to be like, hey, I'm kind of going through the same thing. Let's, you know, kind of help each other and so forth. And you're building strength in that regard. Um, yeah, that's my answer to that.
00:19:42 Archita: Jane. That's such an important place to put the attention because the inner voice is the architect working around the clock, building us up or quietly tearing us down with every setback. And what you're describing is that strengthening resilience often starts there in changing the way we speak to ourselves in the hardest moments. And it's not loud or dramatic work, but it's foundational. I think that gives people a real accessible starting point, because while you can't always control what happens to you, you can slowly change the voice that meets you when it does. So I'm so glad that we had this conversation today. Jane, I think you have helped a lot of listeners, um, out there, uh, because this is exactly what they wanted to hear. So for anyone who wants to keep learning from you and the work that you do, where can they find you?
00:20:38 Jane Rogers: Yes. So, uh, I have a website called, uh, laughing through the storm dot com. Uh, I've written a book, um, called laughing Through the storm, um, that was released in January. And that's, it's about it's my memoir of my life, living with epilepsy for over thirty years. Um, and all my proceeds of that book go to the Epilepsy Ottawa Foundation. Um, and so it's always been a purpose driven, um, project for me. But yeah, laughing through the storm dot com is my website where you can find my book. You could find other information, my blog, blog posts and other, um, podcasts that I have been on as well.
00:21:28 Archita: Amazing. Thank you so much for sharing that Gene. And we will make sure to include all those details in today's show notes. So that is just to one click away. And, uh, the listeners can reach out to you whenever they need to. Once again, thank you so much, Jane. And what I'll carry from this conversation is the message of resilience as something built rather than born and inner architecture. Anyone can strengthen one quiet choice at a time. And whoever's listening, especially the ones who feel fragile tonight and ensure they are just not one of the strong ones. Here's what I want you to hold. You were never meant to be unbreakable. The strongest people you admire were inspired. The breaking. They just kept kept rebuilding. And so can you. So start with the voice you use when you fall. That's where the whole structure begins. We will see you on the next episode,
