DATING AND ONLINE DATING AFTER DIVORCE EP 107 

HOST: Beverly Price, Divorce & Empowerment Coach 

GUEST: Bela Gandhi, Dating Coach and Founder of Smart Dating Academy 

SUMMARY: 

Dating and online dating after divorce can be a transformative and sometimes daunting experience. After the dissolution of a marriage, many women may find themselves venturing into new relationships without taking the time for self-reflection and growth, potentially repeating past mistakes. Healing and self-discovery are integral to successful post-divorce dating, and it’s essential to approach this journey with self-awareness and caution. While it may take time to fully embrace this new chapter, dating after divorce can lead to a fulfilling relationship and personal growth. In this episode of Her Empowered Divorce, your Host, Beverly Price, talks to Bela Gandhi, Dating Coach, Founder of Smart Dating Academy, and host of the Smart Dating Academy Podcast. Together, they discuss dating and online dating after divorce, smart dating, and the precautions to take when doing online dating. 

Divorce doesn’t have to be a death sentence. With the right support and guidance, you can move through the process with knowledge, skills, and confidence. If you’d like to schedule a complimentary private consultation, reach out to Beverly at: https://beverly-price.as.me/Consultation. 

Visit https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/her-empowered-divorce/id1635143315 to access the entire archive of Her Empowered Divorce episodes, and while you’re there, please subscribe, rate, and review our show! 

KEY TAKEAWAYS: 

• How soon should I start dating after separation/divorce? It’s not the number of months or years that determines how soon you can start dating; it’s the amount of work you have done on yourself. 
• To be the kind of person you want to attract, you need to ask yourself the hard question,” Am I negative about myself?” and take action because it is the inner critic that becomes the outer critic. 
• Does online dating work? Online dating can work and be effective, but it’s not easy. You have to be very cautious and swipe left a lot. 
• If you are entering the dating world for the first time after being married for a long time, be optimistic, be smart not to get bamboozled, and if you need help, seek it out. 

NOTABLE QUOTES:

• People show us who they are; it is up to us to believe them. (Bela) 
• So often, we are focused on them rather than on ourselves, and we keep thinking about who our ideal partner is, but we need to think about who we need to become to be the kind of person that will attract that ideal partner. (Beverly) 
• Oxytocin is what allows us to form attachments to people. To keep yourself in safe harbors as a woman, know your powers and remember that oxytocin should only be given to people who deserve it. (Bela) 
• Infidelity relationships don’t stand the test of time, and the unfaithful person often repeats the same behavior when they get into another marriage. (Bela) 
• Be smart; don’t agree to meet somebody in a place you’re not familiar with even if they seem lovely, don’t have them pick you up, always get yourself on the date, and don’t give your personal information. Slow it down online. (Bela) 
• The most important decision you will ever make in your life is the person that will become rid of your pot, your husband, wife, or partner, and it’s worth investing in. (Bela) 

FURTHER RESOURCES/RELEVANT LINKS: 

Beverly’s personal Facebook page can be found at: https://www.facebook.com/beverlyprice365/

Women’s Divorce and Empowerment group discussion available at: https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorcerecovery

Her Empowered Divorce YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@HerEmpoweredDivorce1

Find Your Divorce Coach: https://herempowereddivorce.com/?divorcecoach

ABOUT OUR GUEST: 

Bela’s gift of helping people find love didn’t emerge until she was in college. She went to a party and met a guy who was PERFECT for a roommate, and she knew at that moment that they would get married, move to the suburbs, and have beautiful children. It took them a bit longer to be convinced, but by the end of their first week of dating, they knew it was ‘it’ and got married two years later, and now they have beautiful kids and live in the suburbs.

Bela finished college with two degrees, in Finance and German – and worked in Mergers and acquisitions for one year, and then joined her dad’s business (he made Teflon for pots and pans). In 2001, the company was bought by Akzo Nobel (the world’s largest coatings company) – and the rest of her family happily retired. She loved her work there, and they wanted her to stay forever. However, Forever ended in 2006 because she couldn’t shake the idea of building a NEW process to help people find love.

FOLLOW OUR GUEST: 

Bela Gandhi

Website: http://smartdatingacademy.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/smartdatingacademy/

Smart Dating Academy podcast: https://www.smartdatingacademy.com/podcast

ABOUT YOUR HOST:

Beverly Price is the empowering divorce coach who guides women on their journey before, during, and after divorce to eliminate pain, overwhelm, sadness, and anger and create more knowledge, skill, and peace that she experienced herself. In her 30 years of divorce coaching experience she has help thousands of women move through divorce, fully prepared with skills that enhance the results of their divorce process.

Remember, divorce doesn’t have to be a death sentence. With the right support and guidance, you can move through the process with knowledge, skills, and confidence. If you’d like to schedule a complimentary private consultation, reach out to Beverly at: 

https://Beverly-Price.as.me/ConsultationCall

CONTACT YOUR HOST:

Website: http://www.herempowereddivorce.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/her_empowered_divorce

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/herempowereddivorce/

Facebook Group: Her Empowered Divorce Tribe: https://www.facebook.com/groups/herempowereddivorcetribe

Visit https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/her-empowered-divorce/id1635143315 to access the entire archive of Her Empowered Divorce episodes, and while you’re there, please subscribe, rate, and review our show! 

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/7kIcMXrj1tIWBOmaXBBn1U

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@herempowereddivorce1/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/beverly-price/

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Hi, beautiful. I am so glad you're here with me today. I get asked so many questions about life after divorce and specifically about dating. I made a lot of mistakes myself in my life after divorce and dating. So I'm thrilled to have my guest today. I wish I had known her after divorce. My guest is Bella Gandhi.

dating coach and founder of Smart Dating Academy and the host of the Smart Dating Academy podcast. And we're going to talk about dating and online dating after divorce. To give you a little background on Bella, she is a fabulous, absolutely fabulous professional in the dating world. She has years of experience in helping women through this journey.

She has a gift of helping people find love. And this didn't emerge until she was in college. And when she went to a party, a lightning bolt struck her. The guy she met was perfect for her roommate. And she knew at that moment they would get married, move to the suburbs, and have beautiful children. Sounds like she has a crystal ball, huh? It took them a bit longer to be convinced.

But by the end of their first week of dating, they knew it was it and got married two years later. So Bella finished college with two degrees and worked in mergers and acquisitions and then joined her dad's business. All the while she kept matchmaking people and she couldn't stop.

I'm so excited to be here. This is my favorite subject, and to talk to you about it, beautiful you, I'm very excited. Thank you for having me.

Oh, thank you so much. As I had mentioned to you before we started recording, that I had made a lot of mistakes back after my divorce. And I jumped from one relationship to the next, ending up wondering why I was in the same kind of unhealthy relationship. How soon after separation or divorce should one start dating?

You know, I don't have any rules, Beverly, with regards to how soon. It's not an amount of months or years. It's the amount of work that one has done on themselves, right? And so for some people, they've been in a marriage for a decade that they could have or should have gotten out of 10 years ago. And...

Yes.

For other people, maybe something was sprung on them and they find themselves out in the dating world. But whatever it is, I think what's most important is that you take some time and really hold the mirror up to yourself and do your own work. I'm sure our exes all have a ton of culpability in what happened. But the question to ask ourselves is, what made me stay in this?

Were there flags I missed early on? What was my responsibility in this, right? And to your point earlier about seeking out a relationship that, oh my God, I think is so different and it's amazing and six months or two years later, you're like, holy cow, this is my ex all over again. Remember, human beings do what's comfortable, what feels like home, and I mean that in quote,

Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

versus what's intellectually right for us. So for example, if you grew up in a home that had a lot of chaos, what's gonna feel familiar to your attachment system? Chaos, right? Roller coasters, woo, feels good. Is that good for a romantic relationship? Not long-term, right? But we continue to go back to that again and again. And here's the insidious part. And this is why we do what we do for the last 14 years, is even if you could

Chaos, yeah.

No.

author books on narcissism. Even if you've been through more therapy and you're like, I could quote out of the DSM-5, narcissistic personality disorder, when you get back in the arena, you know what? All that stuff can go right out the window again. And who do we end up with? And that's where we come in. We become the personal trainers for our clients' love lives. I like to say we wrap our clients up in pink sparkly bubble wrap.

Mm-hmm.

and we protect you from yourself.

Oh, I love it. I like to say that I learned I was the common denominator in all my relationship problems, that I took me with me wherever I went.

Right, wherever you go, there you are.

Yeah, I also, in my coaching, have women assess their husband and compare it to their ideal partner and then look at why they chose them. And in many cases, I find that women might choose a partner because they fell in love with their potential or what they hoped they would be rather than who they were.

Right, right. And so often that involves ignoring red flags, right? And romanticizing what this person could be, even though what is in front of you is what it is, right? And so I see this happen all the time where we get into relationships too quickly and we put blinders on.

Mm-hmm.

Thanks for watching!

and we start sleeping with people too quickly. So we've got oxytocin, which is the attachment hormone, floating through every vein in our cute little bodies. And what does that allow us to do? It allows us to ignore red flags, romanticize, idealize, become obsessed with this person. And we just cutely sweep red flags underneath the rug. It's amazing how often when I get clients into my practice and I ask them,

with regards to their ex-boyfriends or their ex-husbands. When did you first start to see the red flags? Usually, oh, I saw them early on, right? But I didn't want to because I thought he could and would be blah, blah. But ultimately it's like Maya Angelou said, Beverly, people show us who they are. It is up to us to believe them.

Yep.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

Oh, I love that. That is so, so true. Tell me a little bit about the oxytocin and the attachment. That sounds really interesting.

So oxytocin is what allows us to form attachments to people. When a woman is pregnant and goes into labor, right, how do you attach to this seven pound thing that comes out of you right away? It's oxytocin. When labor is induced, right, my labor was induced with my first, with my daughter, it's called pitocin that speeds up. It's amped up oxytocin.

So it is enduring the orgasm process for women. And for a lot of women, it doesn't even have to start with that. You can just make out with somebody and suddenly you've got elevated levels of the attachment hormone floating through you and you don't want to talk to anybody else because you're full of oxytocin. So one of the things I tell people to keep yourself in safe harbors, know your power as a woman.

and know that oxytocin should only be given to people that deserve it. So if you find yourself attaching the minute you make out with or sleep with someone, don't give away your power.

Right.

So, so true. Yeah, I think, yeah, I think so many people jump right into sex, like on the first or second date. Really affects them. What are some of the red flags?

Don't give it away. Take it slow. We call it sexclusivity.

And yeah.

Wow, you know, someone that is negative, someone that might be nice to you, but mean to others, you know, someone who's rude to the hostess or the wait staff when their food doesn't come out the right way or if you've had to wait a little bit of time, they speak of others very negatively, they play the victim.

Oh.

These are all red flags. I could go on for an hour with red flags.

Right, right, right. A friend of mine once said, when I was whining about a time I wasn't in a relationship, she said, Beverly, why don't you take the time you spend whining about not being in a relationship and use it to become the kind of person someone would want to be in a relationship with? And I think so often we're focused on them and not on ourselves.

Mmm.

and we keep thinking about who our ideal partner is, but we don't think about, are we the kind of person that would attract that ideal partner?

100% and so often I just got off of a coaching session with a client who tends to hyper fixate on herself and her flaws and why she's not good enough and oh my stomach looks terrible and look at my teeth in that photo it looks like I don't have teeth and what she does because that mirror inward is so negative and she's so self-critical that when she

She's just as critical of other people. And so to be the kind of person that you want to attract, ask yourself and have those hard questions, am I really negative about myself? Because if that's the case, it's always that inner critic that becomes the outer critic.

Absolutely. Now another thing that happens in divorce is infidelity and people getting into relationship with others outside the marriage. Do you find that those relationships last?

Yes.

Yeah.

You mean the relationship with the mistress?

Yeah, with the cheating.

Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't, right? And so, you know, my best advice is, and you'd be surprised at how many people will say, yeah, I cheated on my wife.

What's the and there? Is it and I realize how blah, and here's the work I've done on myself. Or if it's, yeah, I mean, she was cold and she didn't want to be around me and we weren't having sex, so I stepped out of the marriage. What is he doing at that point? Victimizing her. It's her fault. Really? Last I checked, probably, why was she cold to you?

Wow.

What did you do to make her that way?

Wow.

What did you do? And so through our coaching process, this is what we're looking for. So, you know, to your point, sometimes, you know, human relationships are unpredictable and different. I just say as a general, there's always exceptions to the rule, right? There's always gonna be that one person that goes to a bar, sleeps with somebody, gets happily married, has three kids and lives the white picket fence life. Great, but 99% of the time,

that's not going to happen. So even with regards to infidelity and somebody who has been stepped out on, most of those relationships don't stand the test of time.

Bye bye.

Right, I would think so. And I would think too that when that person that was unfaithful, let's say gets into another marriage, that it's likely that they would repeat that same behavior.

Why wouldn't they?

Yeah, exactly, exactly. So in today's world, I hear a lot of women say, it's really hard to meet people. And, you know, I met my husband through online dating. What is your opinion of online dating?

It's the world's largest cocktail party, and that's a party you want to be at. So now I didn't say the world's largest cocktail party was the best cocktail party. So you get where I'm going with this. I think online dating is a necessary component of a dating plan. And so you met your husband online, that's awesome. I love that. So ladies out there, listen, it's not just Bella Gandhi.

Right.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

espousing online dating, right? And on our podcast, we have dozens of love stories of people that met using all different online dating sites and apps, but it can work. Is it easy? Hell no. But is it effective? It can be.

Yeah, as I like to say, you have to kiss a lot of frogs. Absolutely. Do you think that there are some sites that are better than others?

Oh, oh, you got to swipe left a lot.

Not really. I've had people meet on free sites, on paid sites. Again, it's the world's largest cocktail party. And imagine you're in an enormous convention hall in New York or LA or Chicago, right? It's a big place. And all the apps are like different rooms in the convention hall. Everybody's there, but they move room to room. And that's what a lot of the apps are ultimately. So I think

Okay.

have a fluid app strategy. Don't get married, no pun intended, to any one site or one app and pay for a year's membership. You're gonna see, and you might see the same people when you switch app to app, because they're switching rooms too, so to speak.

Gotcha. Are there precautions that you suggest women should take in online dating and dating in general?

Yeah, be smart. Don't agree to meet somebody in a place you're not familiar with. Even if somebody seems lovely, don't have him pick you up. Always get yourself to the date. Don't let people know where you live. And if somebody's asking you for personal information a little bit too quickly, slow it down online, right? And if somebody continues to barrage you with that, then you can delete and block that person.

What you can also do to keep yourself safe is get a Google voice number. It's free. It's an internet-based number. You go to voice.google.com, and what that prevents you from having to do is disclose your real cell phone number to people. We can be Google-able by our own cell phone numbers. So it's a fake number that you can give out to people, and then just, and if somebody on Savory starts.

to blow up your phone, I think you pay Google five or 10 bucks for a new phone number. Who cares? But you're safe.

Yeah. When I was doing some online dating before I met my husband, I ran into a gentleman that was a scam. He put a picture of Richard Gere up there on the site and then told this sad story about, his daughter had been injured and he needed this money. And he actually sent me a check and wanted me to send him money.

Oof.

and I took it to the bank and they said, this is totally bogus, whatever you do, don't cash this check. What are your thoughts about, you know, the bogus profiles on online dating?

They exist, you just have to be savvy. If somebody asks you for money or does anything like that, such a huge red flag, huge, huge. If somebody's asking you questions that sound like bank security questions like, oh, what was your mom's maiden name? I just wanna get to know you. What was the name of your first pet and the first car that you drove? And where did you grow up? What was the street name? Red flag, right? So these are just...

These are basic things that if anybody asks you for anything financial, game over. That is a fraudster to your point. You saw it.

You talk a lot about red flags. And we talked earlier about how many of us look back on failed relationships, and we admit there were red flags, but we didn't want to see them. We ignored them, whatever. Is there any guidance you would give someone to help them make sure?

They see the red flags rather than ignore them.

would say hire an expert to help you because it's hard to see, especially if you've had red flag relationships in today's world. It's very different than it was 30 years ago. Companies like mine didn't even exist here. You don't have to do this alone. You want to invest in yourself because you're worth it. And think about the cost of divorce, right? Massive financially, emotionally.

collateral damage wise, you're worth making the investment for somebody to help you through the process that's going to weed through it with you.

Can you tell us a little bit about your process? I'm really intrigued about having an expert in what you would do.

Yeah, we're like personal trainers for our clients love live. So we really get in there and we find out who your high GHQ guy is. That's our registered trademark, high and good husband qualities. And we have a process that helps you to figure that out. And every person's is different and it's a very different checklist than you start with. And doing this process has led to zero divorces in 14 years.

And so our common friend, Susan Guthrie, that introduced us, Beverly, Susan tells me, you should take out like a sky riding, you know, airplane or a billboard to talk about that because that's just unbelievable. But when you do things in the right way and you have that kind of support and somebody whose interests are fully aligned with yours, you will not miss the red flag. So that's what we do. We help people to feel safe.

and to do things the right way and to get out of their own way. We do people's photos. I wrote a book during COVID that produces the perfect profile. So after, and we have you like a conveyor belt go through our process, and you have a one-on-one coach that you're working with two to three times a month that's helping you to navigate those waters such that you're only letting the good people in, dating them slowly, building a dating funnel

for someone who is exhibiting bad behavior or is just like your ex.

That's amazing. Zero percent divorce versus the national average is fifty percent of first marriages. That is absolutely amazing. What do you say to someone that would say a dating service like yours is a luxury rather than a necessity?

You're right.

The most important decision you will ever make in your life is the person that's going to become the lid to your pot, potentially your husband, your wife, your life partner. Do you think that's not worth investing in and that's a luxury? To me, what we're doing with people should be taught in high school and college as a mandatory course.

Absolutely so true. So if there was one piece of advice that or let's go back I like all of my guests to come up with what are three actionable tips that you would suggest to women in our audience to improve their dating experience?

Well, easy things, get online, pick one to two sites or apps, and have somebody advising you as to which ones and how to put yourself out there. And then number two, have great photos. Look at what other women are doing and don't look for the bad ones. Look for the ones that look really good. That's your competition. Do your photos look better than that person?

Right now you may look different than that person. That's okay. But do you have great lighting? Do you have great headshots? Do you have great body shots? Because your photos are your personal ad in cyberspace. So you wanna make sure that you've got great headshots, great full body shots, and that your photos look like you and the best version of you. Don't put on schlumpy dumpy photos because you're like, well, I work from home. I don't really zhuzh up. You need to look like

you own yourself, you respect yourself, you know you're beautiful, and you want to put that version of yourself out there so that you start to attract men that are the same. So don't listen to all the don't dress up, you'll look like you're trying too hard. Look at my website for photos that have worked and that's what you want to know and that's what we're pumping out there.

Ladies at Smart Dating Academy, that's the competition. So you wanna have great photos and have somebody as your third point, pick your photos for you because all the research shows we don't pick the best photos of ourselves.

That's true. That's true. I can certainly see that. Are there any special tips that you would give women who are older, kind of entering the dating world for the first time after being married for a long time?

Be optimistic, be smart, don't get bamboozled by somebody. If you need help, please seek out help. Our favorite clients are those over 50. We've had resounding success. We have clients that are 71 years old when they come to us after divorce and they've been piddling around for a decade trying to make it work on their own and they haven't been able to do it. And then they find love. And there's a...

podcast episode of a woman named Kathy who's 71 years old, who met a guy that lived three hours away from her, that drove three hours to see her, and he just asked her grown daughter for her permission to ask his mom, her mom to move in with him. And every morning when they wake up, they start their morning by having a dance party in her kitchen.

So great. So for women, if there was just one change you would encourage them to make to help them on their dating journey, what would that change be?

their mindset.

Oh, yes.

I want people to get into an inspired optimistic mindset. Those that have followed my work know that I'm often called a psychotic optimist. And what does that mean? Right? Sometimes people are like, well, I don't know if he's out there. I'm saying, girl, it's a when, it's not an if. You just got to get out there and date like hell and smartly until you find this person. We are in it to win it. We are not in it for a minute.

I'm sorry.

So you need to get some psychotic optimism about your dating life. If you're gloom, doom, don't feel good about yourself, don't feel good about others, that is a ringing bell that you need to do something to get yourself inspired. Get back to a place of positivity and optimism because that is more attractive than anything you can do to yourself physically.

Oh, that's so, so true. So, so true. Bella, how can our listeners find you? I bet you're going to have lots of calls and clicks on your website. So where can they learn more?

Go to our website, smartdatingacademy.com, fill out any form, and that'll automatically enter you in our newsletter database. You can also subscribe to the Smart Dating Academy podcast. There's over 100 episodes. You can learn a whole boatload from that. You can follow me on Instagram at Smart Dating Academy, and you can always schedule a consultation, fill out a form, and we love helping women that have come out of divorce.

to stay out of that 67% or that 74%.

beautiful. Is there anything else that you'd like to share that I've forgotten to ask?

There's nothing wrong with you if you're out there and you're listening to this. I've had people come to me that have been married four times. You don't, you think you might have baggage. I'm too old. I've been divorced too many times. Maybe I've never been married. Maybe I'm 40 pounds heavier than I was at my prime. That is all your mind monkeys wreaking havoc in your mind. You.

are beautiful as you are and there is a lid to every pot. Don't let you talk yourself out of this because love exists for you no matter what.

And also remember that you have to take the action. Somebody's just not gonna mysteriously show up on your doorstep if you're just watching TV. Right.

He is not going to deliver your pizza. He is not going to deliver your pizza or your Uber Eats. I mean, heck, he might. That'd be straight. Then contact Hollywood for somebody to do a story and a rom-com on you. Listen, dating should be no different than if you were considering job change, industry change, a big weight loss or a nutrition program. You have to have a plan and you have to have experts that get to know you and that will

You

Thanks for watching!

you get to the next place. If you suddenly got let go of your job after 30 years, you're not going to sit down and Google how to write a resume. You're going to hire a great resume writer who's going to show you how to update and position yourself the right way. You're going to hire somebody to say, what looks most professional? What is my best look right now?

How do I interview professionally your date? Anything big you have done in your life, I promise you if you think about it, has not dropped in your lap. You had a plan, you had goals, and you did something to achieve those goals. Dating, we are so often told, oh, stop working so hard. When it's meant to be, it's gonna happen. If I said, I wanna change careers, would somebody tell me, oh, Bella, if it's meant to be, it'll just happen? Hell no.

They would say, put a plan together. What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do every day to make that happen? With dating, it is the same way. People that don't have a plan, most likely aren't gonna be able to be as efficient or have as much fun with this because you're just going willy-nilly.

Mm. So true. Bella, thank you so much for being my guest today. I know you've excited and motivated so many women and given them hope, which I think is incredible. And to my audience, thank you so much for being with Bella and me on this episode of Her Empowered Divorce. All of Bella's information will be available in the show notes. This and all our episodes can be found at

Oh, thank you.

HerEmpoweredDivorce.com on the podcast page or wherever you listen to podcasts. You can also watch the video version on our YouTube channel, Her Empowered Divorce. Please share our stories with your friends so we can reach out and help as many women as possible. And join me for our next episode where I'll be diving deeper into what other expert professionals can share to help you on your separation and divorce journey.

I've created a free ebook for you called Why Use a Divorce Coach? And the link is in the show notes, herempoweredivorce.com slash divorce coach. Until next time, stay empowered.