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From Fireworks to Secure Love
Episode 2629th September 2025 • Coupled With... • Dr. Rachel Orleck
00:00:00 00:24:14

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You thought you met “the one.” The texts were constant, the chemistry electric, the declarations over the top. It felt like the kind of love story movies are made of—until the calls stopped, the plans evaporated, and you were left reeling.

That’s the whiplash of love bombing and ghosting. The high feels intoxicating, but the crash leaves you doubting yourself, shrinking, and working twice as hard to keep someone from slipping away.

In this episode of Coupled With…, Dr. Rachel Orleck unpacks:

  • Why fireworks feel like connection but aren’t the same as intimacy
  • How dopamine fuels chaos, while oxytocin builds steadiness
  • The exhausting loop of over-functioning when intensity fades
  • Practical reflection questions to tell the difference between clarity and chaos
  • What secure love really feels like—and why “calm” isn’t the same as “boring”

Secure love may not start with fireworks, but it lasts longer than any spark. If you’ve ever been love bombed, ghosted, or caught in the cycle of chasing intensity, this conversation will help you reframe the story and recognize the kind of love that’s built to stay.

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Transcripts

From Fireworks to Secure Love

Rachel: [:

Like they already knew your future together, and then nothing. Silence calls, unanswered plans canceled. A person who seemed to want your whole world suddenly vanished from it. The whiplash of that experience leaves you spinning. You replay every moment, every word, every touch, trying to figure out what you missed.

Was it [:

And the hard truth is what felt like connection was actually intensity. The fireworks, the constant attention, the flood of dopamine in your brain, it created a high, but a high isn't the same thing. Safety chemistry isn't the same thing as intimacy. And when you've been love bombed, your nervous system gets hooked on that rush, making the [00:02:00] ghosting feel like withdrawal.

And this can also happen in long-term relationships where there's that intensity at the beginning and things tend to level out over time, and then all of a sudden down the road it feels like they've ghosted you. And this is where many of us get so stuck. Instead of seeing the pattern, we start to blame ourselves.

our bodies start to confuse [:

We'll explore what it means to step off that rollercoaster and choose the kind of love that actually lasts. So love bombed. Then ghosted isn't just a phrase, it's a cycle. Your nervous system feels in real time at the start. It's the flood, constant messages, dramatic declarations, long nights of talking and intense physical chemistry.

crash. The text slowed down. [:

And you're left scrambling, wondering what you did wrong. The silence isn't neutral, it's deafening, and your body shifts into high alert because the sudden withdrawal signals danger. You chase for answers, replay all your conversations, and sometimes even double down on proving your worth, hoping the intensity will return.

gy girlfriend or that clingy [:

They would slowly pull away and I'd be left wondering what happened and blaming myself for being too much, or maybe even not doing enough, even though I was already over-functioning. And here's where that over-functioning kicks into Hyperdrive. To keep the connection alive, you start to minimize your own needs.

You might hold back on your opinions or tolerate mixed signals or bend over backwards to keep them engaged. You make yourself smaller and quieter and more agreeable, not because you want to, but because it feels like it's the only way to stop them from disappearing. And we do this in long-term relationships as well.

doing all of this work, your [:

The relationship stops being about connection, and it becomes about vigilance. Vigilance doesn't create closeness. It wears you down and keeps you scared, and it keeps you in this story where you're invisible until eventually the fireworks end. And then there's silence, so let's reframe it a little bit.

hat you feel when someone is [:

Your brain is flooded with dopamine and it creates the illusion of being close, but it isn't the same thing as long-term trust, safety, or regulation. Intensity is a spark. Intimacy is what happens when that spark is tended to over time. And to be honest, we've been taught to confuse the two movies, books, even Dating Advice Glorify That Whirlwind Romance, the Passionate Fling, the Instant Chemistry, love at First Sight, and the couple can't keep their hands off each [00:08:00] other.

And when you've been love bombed, that script plays out in real time. The fireworks feel like destiny, but here's the truth. Fast isn't forever. What starts as overwhelming? Chemistry can fizzle just as quickly, and when it does, you're left wondering what was real. And this is where the shame creeps in.

People blame themselves for falling for it. They say things like, I should have seen this coming or. I can't believe I was so stupid to believe them, but you weren't stupid. You are human. Your nervous system is wired to light up when someone gives you constant cues of interest and belonging. The problem isn't that you fall.

't built on stability first. [:

Intensity without regulation burns out so fast, but steady, secure connection gives you something. Intensity never can. A love that actually stays. When someone comes on strong flooding you with attention and affection. Your brain releases dopamine. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter of novelty and reward.

literally riding a chemical [:

It craves more. The lack of response feels like deprivation, which only makes the next text or the apology feel even more rewarding. This is like a drug. This is the hook that keeps people stuck. It's not just attachment, it's chemistry. Manipulating your body into thinking that it's in love when really you're in withdrawal.

reliable communication. And [:

So a calm connection reads as boring or worse, like there's no chemistry at all. This is why in relationships that are longer term at around six months to a year, there's a lot of people ending their relationships because it no longer has that passion, that spark. But really what's happening is this steadiness of oxytocin being released, that is the stability of more secure love.

hat passion. Otherwise, it's [:

Only one teaches your body that it's actually safe to love. And if you've been in a relationship where you've been on this spectrum of love bombing, then you get hooked again. It doesn't mean that your system is broken. It means that your brain is addicted to the high, not the connection. And the good news is you can retrain it.

tion, the surge of dopamine, [:

You start over functioning. Sending the first text, smoothing over tension, making yourself smaller, attending to their every need. And no matter how hard you work, the crash eventually comes, leaving you, doubting yourself and the whole connection. While insecure love, the pace is different. The connection builds more slowly.

ven into emotional trust and [:

And to be honest, at first, it can feel too calm, maybe even boring. Maybe you even tell yourself, I don't love this person, but it's your body being wired for chaos. And what looks like boring is actually your nervous system. Experiencing safety. And safety is the soil where passion can grow. That becomes safer passion.

sh. They mistake the absence [:

But that belief just keeps them trapped in this cycle of intensity and fizzle out. Secure love doesn't make you perform to keep it. It makes space for you to rest. So here's the contrast in one sentence. Love bombing feels urgent, but is unsustainable. Secure love feels steady, but lasting. Real passion isn't in the drama, it's in safety.

lationship that will endure. [:

It's not that you don't want steady love, you might even crave it, but your body has been trained to chase the fireworks. So this means that the first step. Is not shaming yourself for wanting that high. The craving doesn't mean you're broken. It means that your nervous system is learned to equate unpredictability with passion, and like any habit, it can be retrained.

Clear doesn't mean perfect. [:

While chaos on the other hand, keeps you guessing. You're always analyzing, you're always waiting, and you're always chasing. Naming. The difference can help your body begin to trust calm instead of mistaking it for flatness. Another helpful question is, am I shrinking To keep them close? If you notice yourself minimizing your needs, holding back opinions or over-functioning in some way just to maintain the relationship, that is a huge red flag.

ou vanish. Secure love makes [:

When your body says, this feels boring, or this is just friendship. Try reframing it as this feels safe. Passion doesn't disappear in steady love. It deepens once your nervous system trusts that the bottom isn't gonna fall out of your world. So at first, sitting in that calm will feel uncomfortable, like you're waiting for a silence to break.

you finally get to rest and [:

What you weren't taught is how to tell the difference between intimacy and safety, between the rush that burns out and the steadiness that lasts and is safe. So when you've lived through these cycles, it's really easy to internalize the wrong lesson. You might be thinking, if I was more chill, they would've [00:20:00] stayed or.

Maybe I should have seen the red flag sooner. I have thought that many times myself, but these thoughts keep that shame alive. The real lesson isn't that you need to disappear or need less in order to keep a relationship. It's that intensity without regulation in a relationship, without that safety, it isn't love.

That's a rollercoaster, and no one can live forever on that without crashing. So this is where the hope starts to come in, because the opposite of being ghosted isn't being endlessly pursued. It's being steadily chosen. Secure love might not start with fireworks, but it doesn't fizzle. When the novelty wears off, it changes.

It feels different, but it [:

Stop chasing that chaos and start noticing the calm. Start asking, does this feel clear or does this feel chaotic? And am I shrinking to keep them close to me? These small shifts retrain your body to recognize secure love when it does show up. And if you wanna go deeper into practicing how this works, I'm gonna have some things coming down the pike really [00:22:00] soon that's gonna help because clarity and calm aren't boring.

They're the foundation of love that lasts.

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