Rewriting Christmas: Why I Created "Angels and Assholes Day"

Hey there, Earnest Mann here. In this unconventional holiday episode, I take on Christmas with a bold and hilarious new proposal — replacing it entirely with Angels and Assholes Day. Inspired by Groucho Marx and my own desire to challenge the absurdities of tradition, this episode offers a sharp, satirical look at consumerism, holiday hypocrisy, and the tangled mess of religion and capitalism.

A Smarter Holiday for Smarter People

Let’s face it — if we’re being honest about intelligence and effort, then we need a holiday that reflects those values. So, I introduce a new tradition: Angels and Assholes Day. It's a holiday where the good-hearted get acknowledged, and the selfish, lazy, or toxic get the message loud and clear. It’s not about gifts, religion, or guilt — it’s about accountability and humor wrapped in one festive package.

Rules for Angels, Rules for Assholes

If you’re an angel, go ahead and give a gift or cook a meal — even a half-assed one, if that’s all you can afford. If you’re an asshole, though? No gifts for you. And yes, there are creative, non-violent ways for angels to remind assholes just how much they suck. The beauty of this day is in how honest and unapologetically real it is.

Vegans, Patchouli, and Public Service Announcements

Let’s not forget the colorful cast of characters at holiday gatherings — including vegans and vegetarians. While I poke fun at the dragon blood and bean curd crowd, I also remind listeners that tolerance is key — even if it means cracking a window and turning on a fan.

A New Way to Celebrate — No Wrapping Paper, No Bullshit

Ditch the wasteful wrapping paper, skip the forced sentiment, and celebrate the people who actually deserve your time. Whether you’re handing out tofu or truth bombs, Angels and Assholes Day is about meaning something — even if it makes people uncomfortable. That’s kind of the point.

I would like to meet - both online and in person - individuals interested in discussing ideas on what really needs to be changed, to improve the quality of our lives.

So if you have a suggestion for an episode topic, or simply want to reach out to me for help, you can reach me via my website's contact page - https://theearnestmannshow.com/aboutcontact - and I will get back to you ASAP.

I'm not promising miracles, but my advice is often a hell of a lot better - and certainly cheaper - than a therapist!.

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© 2020 - 26 The Earnest Mann Show

[0:01] Now, of course, being Jewish, Groucho

[0:03] Marx never celebrated Christmas, but he

[0:06] was certainly not adverse to poking fun

[0:08] at it, as he did with so many other

[0:11] things, being an incredibly talented

[0:13] comedian and performer. But you've got

[0:16] to remember that the primary driver of

[0:18] talent is intelligence. So, with that in

[0:21] mind, I'm going to do what I've done for

[0:24] many years now with my intelligence.

[0:27] That is assuming I still have some

[0:31] remaining. As far as the Christmas thing

[0:35] goes, I'm sticking with Groucho.

[0:38] Folks, this is my special holiday

[0:42] shopping season episode. It even has

[0:45] some special instructions for

[0:48] vegetarians and vegans. And I guarantee

[0:52] you've never heard a proposal quite like

[0:55] this before.

[0:57] You see, what I'm proposing to do is

[1:00] replace Christmas with a much better

[1:03] holiday. I simply ask that you give me

[1:06] the courtesy of hearing me out before

[1:09] you decide to tar and feather me or lock

[1:12] me away in a mental institution and

[1:15] throw away the key.

[1:18] Now, I want you people to know I put a

[1:21] lot of thought into this because you

[1:24] can't propose replacing the worldwide

[1:27] Super Bowl conjoined twins of

[1:30] capitalism, the dynamic duo of hypocrisy

[1:33] and contradiction, and the unquestioned

[1:37] king of the incestuous relationship

[1:40] between commerce and religion,

[1:43] Christmas.

[1:44] So, bearing all that in mind, this is

[1:47] the name I came up with. Are you ready?

[1:51] Drum roll, please. Angels and

[1:55] Day.

[1:56] Kind of catchy, don't you think? Okay,

[2:00] let me explain how this new proposed

[2:02] holiday works.

[2:05] First, about the name. The angel's part

[2:09] has nothing to do with mystical

[2:12] celestial beings. It simply means a

[2:15] really good person. So, right off the

[2:18] bat, we've thrown any religious

[2:20] connection right out the damn window.

[2:24] Which is really good because that way

[2:27] you won't feel any necessity to throw

[2:30] any of your religious relatives out the

[2:33] damn window when you get together. The

[2:37] second part of the name, I believe,

[2:39] should be pretty self-explanatory

[2:42] because most of us already know what an

[2:45] is. There's nothing ambiguous.

[2:48] And with this new holiday, if you've

[2:51] been an throughout the year, you

[2:54] will definitely know it. More on that in

[2:58] a bit.

[3:00] Now, one of several beauties of this new

[3:03] holiday is that if you want, you can

[3:06] still buy someone a gift. There is

[3:08] certainly nothing wrong with that.

[3:11] Unless the person is an And the

[3:15] one very hardline rule about this new

[3:18] holiday is that never receive

[3:22] gifts.

[3:24] The only other small caveat is that you

[3:27] never wrap any gift in official

[3:31] Christmas paper because Christmas paper

[3:34] is not only an extra expense but it

[3:37] produces hundreds of tons of landfill

[3:40] material every year which is bad. And

[3:44] this is something which should appeal to

[3:47] all those many green hippie type save

[3:51] the whales save the snails tofu eating

[3:54] Birkenstockw wearing ethically and

[3:58] spiritually conscious

[4:00] creatures out there. Not to mention the

[4:02] fact that with all that money saved,

[4:05] that will allow them to purchase a lot

[4:08] more weed because one has to have their

[4:12] priorities in order, don't they, man?

[4:17] Okay. So, where the hell was I? Oh, yes.

[4:20] Hippies and weed.

[4:23] So, if you are an angel, you can still

[4:26] buy presents. But if you can't afford

[4:29] presents, you could cook a really good

[4:32] meal. And if you can't afford a really

[4:35] good meal, you could cook a halfass

[4:39] lousy meal. And that's totally all

[4:42] right. Because if you're broke and you

[4:45] can't afford a really good meal, there's

[4:48] no pretense because everybody knows

[4:52] you're broke. But at least you

[4:55] made an effort.

[4:57] But if you're not broke, but only put in

[5:00] a halfass effort, people will notice

[5:03] that, too, and you will deservedly be

[5:07] put into the category. Now, very

[5:11] briefly before I go into those

[5:13] explanations, if you're enjoying this

[5:16] episode, please do subscribe and hit

[5:19] that notification bell so you won't miss

[5:23] an episode because with the more

[5:26] subscriptions I get, the more people

[5:29] will get to experience a very different

[5:32] perspective on subjects such as this.

[5:36] Now, before I go into the

[5:39] category and defining exactly what that

[5:41] means, there is a subcategory that

[5:45] although relatively small, still

[5:47] deserves descriptive attention.

[5:51] I'm talking specifically about

[5:54] vegetarians and vegans.

[5:58] If you are a relatively normal person

[6:00] and you like myself are an omnivore,

[6:04] it's entirely possible that you will

[6:06] encounter creatures known as vegetarians

[6:10] and vegans.

[6:12] You'll usually smell them from a good

[6:15] distance as they typically douse

[6:17] themselves with dragon blood or pachuli

[6:21] oil. Both of which I find repugent to

[6:25] the point of triggering spontaneous

[6:28] projectile vomiting from even 20 ft

[6:32] away. And I speak from personal

[6:35] experience.

[6:37] Regardless, if you're hosting a nice

[6:40] dinner that you have spent several hours

[6:42] creating, I suggest taking some

[6:45] anti-nausea medication and try to be

[6:49] sympathetic.

[6:51] Generally speaking, try to keep in mind

[6:54] that these creatures exist in an

[6:56] alternative universe where electricity

[6:59] is evil, bathing and hair management is

[7:02] optional, and apparently they cannot

[7:05] grasp the concept that animals are in

[7:08] fact for eating and humans have done so

[7:12] well for as long as there's been humans.

[7:17] Regardless of how pitiful they may seem,

[7:21] do not attempt to engage with them in

[7:24] any rational dialogue, the best thing

[7:27] you can do is try to corral them into an

[7:31] area for themselves where they can enjoy

[7:34] their hummus and tofu and bean curd.

[7:39] Finally, I would also suggest that the

[7:42] area you corral them into have a window

[7:46] that can be opened and preferably with a

[7:49] ventilation fan which will help to

[7:52] mitigate the stench of the dragon blood

[7:55] and puli oil. Not to mention the cloud

[7:59] of marijuana smoke from the 40 or 50

[8:02] joints they will be smoking per hour.

[8:07] I will close this with a general

[8:09] descriptive definition of those that

[8:12] have been classified as

[8:16] As I stated previously, this term is

[8:19] pretty much self-explanatory.

[8:21] But what is needed to be explained here

[8:24] are the consequences of being an

[8:27] for this new holiday.

[8:31] Just as there are positive consequences

[8:34] of being an angel, meaning you can

[8:36] attend or be invited to the special

[8:40] holiday dinner. In this case, it is the

[8:43] time when acquaintances, friends or

[8:46] family wish to give the a

[8:50] message, a very clear and unambiguous

[8:53] message that you have been uncaring,

[8:56] disrespectful,

[8:58] and or a complete pain in the ass for at

[9:01] least the last 12 months. In simple

[9:05] summary, an

[9:09] Now, how the angels choose to convey

[9:11] that message to the is

[9:14] something I consider another absolute

[9:17] beauty of my new proposed holiday. The

[9:21] only absolute rule is that nothing is to

[9:24] be done to any by the angels

[9:28] that would seriously threaten life or

[9:30] limb. is intended to be something so

[9:34] absolutely humiliating, so degrading

[9:38] they will never forget it for the rest

[9:40] of their lives.

[9:42] So angels, this is the time to let your

[9:46] payback creativity shine.

[9:49] Remember angels, the purpose of the

[9:52] payback treatment to the is to

[9:55] change the behavior of the And

[10:04] treatment happened to them and if they

[10:10] introspection

[10:16] being an has hurt other people,

[10:21] sincerely apologize.

[10:26] around them or have them around in any

[10:34] only thing worse than an is an

[10:41] And with all that, all I can say is

[10:49] Until next time, this is Ernest and