In today's episode, we discuss 2 out of 3 main roots of self-hate : society conditioning and, less obvious lack of pleasure. Because self-hate can be very complicated, it's great to cut it in simple bites 😏

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If you’re new here, hi, I’m Dr Fanny Leboulanger, French Doctor and Sassy Sex Coach, nice to meet you 😏 My mission? Helping people (like you ?) reignite theri alivness by stepping out of life auto-pilot, sexual boredom and self-hate. So that you can reclaim your own Lifegasm. Through 1:1 coaching and magic tools (food for thoughts, sexy education, reclaiming pleasure and inner healing), with a zero bullshit tolerance, we embark together on our journey towards your most Sexyfied Life. 

• Find my ebook "Essence, awaken your body to find the pleasure to feel alive": https://view.flodesk.com/pages/63762fafc6d1c43fb3bac1bf
• Want to work 1:1 with me? Click here
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If you like my work, you can offer financial support on Paypal here.

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If you found that episode interesting, feel free to share it with a loved one (inviting them into our Sexy Family) and subscribe to the podcast on your favorite podcast platform, it's the number one way to support the spread of the Sexyfied Magic to the world. For extra-support, leave a review on your favorite podcast platform, it helps the show become more and more visible.

And if you want to discover other amazing shows from podcast friends, here is a selection of amazing podcasts & interviews :

• Badass Direct Sales Mastery with Jennier Bellinger
• My Spoonie Sisters with Gracefully Jen
• Peace of Me with Lexy Leigh
• The Little Blue Pill For Business with Michelle Nedelec
• The High Performance Interviews with Lucy Dutton

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This podcast is for educational purposes only. The host claims no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the information presented herein.

Speaker: 00:00:24

Hello, everyone.

Speaker: 00:00:25

Thank you for tuning in today's episode.

Speaker: 00:00:28

If you're new, welcome.

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And if you're not, thank you for coming back.

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We've discussed in our previous episode, how self-hate can really be a metamorph,

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more than just mean voices in our heads or not liking our reflection in the

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mirror and how actually even if it is a patriarchal bullshit, it's also a

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protective mechanism, even if it sucks.

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I already had to cut the self hate episode in three parts.

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Turns out the roots of self hate will be cut into two too.

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Otherwise you would be stuck for 50 minutes with me.

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I seem to have a lot of things to say about self hate.

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So stay with me, definitely worth it.

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If you're like me, you may have been in this meta state of hating your self-hate

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because you don't want it to be here and you wish things would be different.

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But for things to be different, and knowing what to do with it, we need

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to understand where it comes from.

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. Because this smart self hate snake has to be very versatile.

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As in what the sources of power are, so this snake actually

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mess up so hard with us.

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Sell hate comes from a lack of self-love.

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I am almost sure you didn't need me for that.

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But let's discuss the roots of this lack of self-love.

Speaker: 00:01:59

I'm sure there are tons of them.

t I see three main categories: 00:02:01

the combo of your own personal history and the mess

t I see three main categories: 00:02:07

of society, the lack of pleasure, and the lack of embodiment and dissociation.

t I see three main categories: 00:02:18

The easiest one society.

t I see three main categories: 00:02:21

Constant injunctions around us to be different.

t I see three main categories: 00:02:25

To be better.

t I see three main categories: 00:02:27

To be almost everything else than what we are and anyone else then who we are.

t I see three main categories: 00:02:35

This constant feeling of not being enough, not being good enough.

t I see three main categories: 00:02:40

If you're thin, get some muscle.

t I see three main categories: 00:02:41

If you're curvy, loose some weight.

t I see three main categories: 00:02:43

If you don't orgasm yelling yes, yes, yes.

t I see three main categories: 00:02:46

You're frigid.

t I see three main categories: 00:02:47

But if you express yourself too much, you're a slut.

t I see three main categories: 00:02:51

You have multiple partners, you're a slut too.

t I see three main categories: 00:02:53

You dress in something that makes you feel sexy, you're a slut to.

t I see three main categories: 00:02:56

And on and on and on and on and on.

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When you are told consciously, or unconsciously, day in and day out

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that you're not enough, not good enough, you don't look you like

t I see three main categories: 00:03:08

what you're supposed to look like.

t I see three main categories: 00:03:10

No wonder we start to hate ourselves.

t I see three main categories: 00:03:13

I do want to point out though, that things are changing in the

t I see three main categories: 00:03:17

past years and that's great.

t I see three main categories: 00:03:20

Let's get going, we still have a lot of work to do.

t I see three main categories: 00:03:24

So we tend to get stuck into this wanting to be different, because we get

t I see three main categories: 00:03:29

this constant contradictory messages.

t I see three main categories: 00:03:32

But when you think about it for a second, Who do you want to look

t I see three main categories: 00:03:36

like ? Who do you want to be?

t I see three main categories: 00:03:39

Really, like take a piece of paper and write it.

t I see three main categories: 00:03:43

For real, you can pause this episode, I'll still be here when you come back.

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Write or draw, or give a form to who you want to be like.

t I see three main categories: 00:03:54

Three main things might happen here.

t I see three main categories: 00:03:56

First you notice you have a really detailed list of who you want to be,

t I see three main categories: 00:04:01

and she's a future version of yourself.

t I see three main categories: 00:04:04

Keep going.

t I see three main categories: 00:04:05

Second, you have a detailed idea, but this person is the opposite of who you are.

t I see three main categories: 00:04:12

We can do something about that heal, the self hate that makes you feel like

t I see three main categories: 00:04:16

you would prefer to be someone else.

t I see three main categories: 00:04:18

And the last one.

t I see three main categories: 00:04:20

You might notice, you actually have no idea of who you want to be like or what

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you want to look like, you just had this feeling of needing to be different

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but without any conscious details

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The most important thing to get from that, is how we are actually wasting time,

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trying to chase something that isn't...

t I see three main categories: 00:04:44

even well-defined.

t I see three main categories: 00:04:46

That will never work.

t I see three main categories: 00:04:48

It doesn't exist.

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You already know the pictures in the magazine have so much

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Photoshop, they're not even real.

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And sometimes we laugh so hard because no matter how many people looked at

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the picture, they all validated a limb with an impossible angle or a

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totally misproportionned foot or hand..

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Or just looking at a picture, and be like, okay, somebody used

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too much Photoshop on this one.

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We are actually told to chase a mere ghost, a mixture of white cisgendered,

t I see three main categories: 00:05:22

male gaze and porn fantasies, western nuclear family cliches technological tools

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that erase our particularities as human.

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, and most of all, centuries of having to stay quiet, make yourself as little

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as possible and do what you're told.

t I see three main categories: 00:05:41

A perfect ghost, that has no life on her own, modeled to contempt

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everyone, and no one at the same time.

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Especially not herself.

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So, now what ? Do you still want to be this ghost ? With glassy eyes,

t I see three main categories: 00:05:59

a pale skin and a waist so tight, it cannot even have the digestive

t I see three main categories: 00:06:04

system you need to be alive.

t I see three main categories: 00:06:08

When you think about it for a second : this is literally

t I see three main categories: 00:06:12

starving ourselves from life energy.

t I see three main categories: 00:06:15

Making what is supposed to feed you disappear ? Talk about control.

t I see three main categories: 00:06:23

Do you really want that?

t I see three main categories: 00:06:26

Do you really want to be a ghost?

t I see three main categories: 00:06:30

No judgment here if you answer yes to this question, I had been doing that

t I see three main categories: 00:06:36

for years, even if I knew this was a ghost I couldn't ever come close

t I see three main categories: 00:06:41

to, a part of me still wanted that.

t I see three main categories: 00:06:45

And, the question I loved to ask my coachees when I saw them stuck in this

n of illusion ghost, is this: 00:06:50

how is chasing this model that doesn't even

n of illusion ghost, is this: 00:06:57

exist helping you ? You are a smart being, you don't do anything stupid.

n of illusion ghost, is this: 00:07:03

So, how is this helping you?

n of illusion ghost, is this: 00:07:06

What do you get out of chasing this person?

n of illusion ghost, is this: 00:07:11

Let me say that again.

n of illusion ghost, is this: 00:07:12

What do you get out of trying to be this person that doesn't exist and

n of illusion ghost, is this: 00:07:17

is only created as an accumulation of expectations for women?

n of illusion ghost, is this: 00:07:22

How is this helping you?

n of illusion ghost, is this: 00:07:26

I'm going to pause for a second, just to let you think about it.

n of illusion ghost, is this: 00:07:29

How is this helping you?

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" it's not helping me so I'll stop doing it".

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Great.

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If you're aware of this pattern, that's amazing.

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Also know that it might come back in a sneaky way sooner or later.

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So get your detection talents on board and be ready.

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But for some of us, even after asking this question, we still want to be that ghost.

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Even if we know, even if we understand, we still want it and that's okay.

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There is nothing wrong with you if you are there because it's

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really easy to say loud and clear: "I am ready to let this go" and

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actually doing it and letting it go.

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Because doing it is scary because everyone around us will be like

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:"huh, what is going on with you?

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You've changed so much".

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And that's okay if at the moment you're happy with where you are.

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As long as you are truly happy, without a yearning of something else that

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would help you fill the void inside, there is no need to change anything.

Usually two answers here: 00:08:37

If your model is that persona, and if you feel good with that, great.

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When you add that and your own personal history, you get

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a master combo for self-hate.

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Some parts of your own experiences will come and reinforce that conditioning.

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Others will help you feel better.

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But too bad, we cannot change our history.

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We can only change how we look at it.

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And sometimes you can't.

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Only people who haven't been abused, raped, or anything dare

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to say to someone "find the good in your traumas", like "find the

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good in this abuse rape situation".

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The only thing you can do is to choose to understand where it

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come from, when it's possible.

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Also acknowledge that sometimes you cannot understand.

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And try to do something with it.

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Talk about being disempowered and doomed.

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Society and your history will completely mess with who you are, and you are

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doomed with an existence of suffering.

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Not really, because personally I'm not a fan of suffering and hell no

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many people live in the same society and they don't feel this self-hate.

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So, it has to come from somewhere else

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After exploring the obvious root of self-hate: society and personal history.

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Let's talk about something less obvious :our conditioning around pleasure.

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You don't need me to tell you most of our conditioning around her

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sexuality is about shame and guilt.

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But, have you noticed how much of it comes from our conditioning around pleasure?

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Let's explore it a little bit.

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First things first, as you heard me say many times in this podcast, we

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are the only animal species that has an orgasm dedicated to our pleasure.

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And that's our clitoris.

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This beautiful organ has no other purpose than bringing us pleasure.

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So whoever wants to convince us pleasure is something not meant for us, go

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check your basic anatomy knowledge.

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And then think again.

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Who has the right answer ? A body carefully crafted from thousand

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and millions of year in evolution with a pleasure organ inside of

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it ? Or a mind that will disappear as soon as that person dies.

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And is actually convinced what was here before and what will

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be there after, is wrong.

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On a very basic level, the dynamic playing is the same as the flat belly injunction.

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When you see pictures everywhere and you see your own curvy belly, it's

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really easy to start hating it.

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Even if our bellies are the most precious thing on earth.

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They help us stay alive by bringing us energy, actually creating life, so of

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course, all of this goodness needs space.

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And that's what it's supposed to be spacious.

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If spacious looks flat on you on a natural state.

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Great.

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And if spacious looks curvy in your natural space.

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Great too.

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When I hate myself and my belly, I tried to remember that I'm actually

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lucky to have all the organs inside.

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I'm going to be honest, sometimes it works.

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And sometimes it doesn't and I still hate it.

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But so many of us had some part removed for some kind of health risk.

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And that comes with a lot of obligations and constraints.

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Stomas, infection risks.

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So if I have everything in place, of course it's going to take some space.

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Not gonna lie, it's not working all the time.

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And there is a good chance we will catch ourselves thinking mean things again.

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But just thinking them with a little bit of compassion, of

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a "I'm lucky to have you here.

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Whole" can be really helpful sometimes

Usually two answers here: 00:13:04

So back on the pleasure part.

Usually two answers here: 00:13:06

The dynamic is the same.

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We have this birthright to pleasure and we are constantly told something else.

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Of course, we would start to hate it.

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And what better way to self-hate than hating your pleasure essence.

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Talk about an other way of controlling women.

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Let's talk about some conditioning, we get around our pleasure.

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" Pleasure is dangerous.

Usually two answers here: 00:13:33

If you take too much of it you'll relish in pleasure and never do

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anything good with your life again".

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If you're there, I see you, a lot of us are there.

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Simple question here.

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If you had been denied a basic need of yours, let's say water, wouldn't

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you want to drink as much as possible when you finally get some water, just

Usually two answers here: 00:13:57

in case you never got some again?

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And what would be wrong with that?

Usually two answers here: 00:14:02

Would you just drink water for the rest of your life and not do anything else?

Usually two answers here: 00:14:08

Of course you wouldn't.

Usually two answers here: 00:14:10

At some point you would get hungry or anything, you would stop drinking.

Usually two answers here: 00:14:15

Since pleasure is our essence, of course, when you connect to it, you will feel

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you want to relish in it so that you can take the max of it, because you don't

Usually two answers here: 00:14:23

know when you will have some again.

Usually two answers here: 00:14:26

And, this is actually a very smart way of doing things.

Usually two answers here: 00:14:31

You're a smart being.

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You don't do anything stupid.

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Sometimes parts of you just didn't get the memo things have changed.

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So it's a way of being sure to make stock.

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And that's really clever.

Usually two answers here: 00:14:44

This urge stops only when your system integrates the resource will not

Usually two answers here: 00:14:50

be missing for a long time again.

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Just like, we don't feel the need to store water bottles when we

Usually two answers here: 00:14:56

have water when we open the sink.

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Whereas, if you don't have water available at hand, you store as much as you can.

Usually two answers here: 00:15:06

Same goes for pleasure.

Usually two answers here: 00:15:08

When your system feels this is the only little bit of pleasure

Usually two answers here: 00:15:14

it would get in a very long time.

Usually two answers here: 00:15:16

Of course, we'll try to store as much as possible.

Usually two answers here: 00:15:20

Whereas when you have a regular pleasure practice or connection

Usually two answers here: 00:15:24

to your pleasure of any sort, your system is like, "okay I can relax.

Usually two answers here: 00:15:31

It is available when I need it.

Usually two answers here: 00:15:32

It's not going to be missing".

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So when you disconnect from your pleasure and forbid yourself the access

Usually two answers here: 00:15:40

to it, you reinforce this urge to store it, and store it, and store it.

Usually two answers here: 00:15:46

Whereas, getting connected to your pleasure on a regular

Usually two answers here: 00:15:50

basis makes you feel good.

Usually two answers here: 00:15:52

And also soothes your system.

Usually two answers here: 00:15:55

So no, pleasure isn't dangerous, and you will not lose yourself in

Usually two answers here: 00:15:59

it if you dare to reconnect to it.

Usually two answers here: 00:16:02

You will only feel better.

Usually two answers here: 00:16:06

Another easily busted conditioning on pleasure?

Usually two answers here: 00:16:10

You deserve to have pleasure only in partnership.

Usually two answers here: 00:16:14

Nope.

Usually two answers here: 00:16:15

Sorry.

Usually two answers here: 00:16:15

My clitoris is inside of me first, and then I can share

Usually two answers here: 00:16:19

its magic powers with others.

Usually two answers here: 00:16:22

Your pleasure isn't yours.

Usually two answers here: 00:16:25

So we agree your balls and your dick are not yours, and the pleasure

Usually two answers here: 00:16:29

they give you isn't yours, too?

Usually two answers here: 00:16:31

And have I mentioned they're literally hanging outside of your body,

Usually two answers here: 00:16:34

whereas my orgasm organ is inside.

Usually two answers here: 00:16:36

So please keep your own house in order before having opinions, about mine.

Usually two answers here: 00:16:43

Pleasure is supposed to look like X, Y, and Z.

Usually two answers here: 00:16:46

And if this doesn't excite you, there is something wrong with you.

Usually two answers here: 00:16:51

First, never say yuck to anybody's yummy.

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I would also say, if I continue my clitoris analogy, we all have the same

Usually two answers here: 00:17:00

parts organized in different ways.

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Some of us have long clitoris hoods, other shorts, longer or shorter head of

Usually two answers here: 00:17:08

clitoris, longer or shorter inside lips.

Usually two answers here: 00:17:11

So if our pleasure organs are different from one person to

Usually two answers here: 00:17:16

another why would we have to have similar ways to experience pleasure?

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So Nope.

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Not your business.

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All of this weight on our pleasure, this conditioning...

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to the point, sometimes we doubt we're even allowed to experience it.

Usually two answers here: 00:17:35

When our essence is charged with so much weight and conditioning, how are

Usually two answers here: 00:17:40

we actually supposed to appreciate it?

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And not hate it.

Usually two answers here: 00:17:46

I truly believe one of the major routes of self hate is lack of pleasure.

Usually two answers here: 00:17:51

And if we remember pleasure is like water, it's easier to understand

Usually two answers here: 00:17:56

why we're so hungry of it.

Usually two answers here: 00:17:59

And there's nothing wrong with that.

Usually two answers here: 00:18:01

It's the other way around, it's really smart.

Usually two answers here: 00:18:05

And the thing is when we disconnect from our pleasure essence, it's

Usually two answers here: 00:18:10

really hard to know who we are.

Usually two answers here: 00:18:12

We feel hollow.

Usually two answers here: 00:18:14

And this feeling of nothingness is unbearable.

Usually two answers here: 00:18:19

Self hate is still a way to continue feeling something.

Usually two answers here: 00:18:23

And this is a third root after society and personal story combo, and lack of pleasure

Usually two answers here: 00:18:29

:the lack of embodiment and dissociation.

Usually two answers here: 00:18:32

Thank you so much for tuning in today and I'll see you next time.

Usually two answers here: 00:18:40

if you found this episode interesting, please feel free to share it with a loved

Usually two answers here: 00:18:44

one and consider subscribing to the podcast on your favorite podcast platform.

Usually two answers here: 00:18:50

And if you're yearning for more, I would invite you to sign up for

Usually two answers here: 00:18:53

my self-love letters, you will find the link in the show notes.

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And if you're excited and can't wait to get started, I also will link my ebook

Usually two answers here: 00:19:02

in the show notes, it's called essence.

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Thank you so much for sharing your time and your energy with me today.