Unlock the Secret to Better Relationships! People skills aren't just about what you say – they begin with how you think about others.

00:00:00 Improve your people skills

00:03:20 Members of the Belief Police

00:12:35 For instance, take the story of Clever Hans

00:17:02 Hanlon’s Razor

In this video, we explore the power of:

Hanlon's Razor: Why assuming good intentions strengthens connections.

Curiosity Factor: How genuine interest unlocks fascinating conversations.

Walking a Mile in Their Shoes: The power of empathy for understanding others.

Discover how these simple mindset shifts can transform your interactions and build meaningful relationships.

Ready to become a people magnet? Watch Now!

Improve your people skills, how to connect with anyone, communicate effectively, develop

deep relationships, and become a people person, written by Patrick King, narrated by Russell

Newton.

One of the greatest movies in existence is Back to the Future, specifically the first

of the trilogy, though the third edition shouldn't be discounted.

We can just forget the second movie ever happened, but I digress.

It's no secret among my friends that I love the movie and that I have semi-serious aspirations

to purchase a DeLorean someday.

I also have an extreme partiality for the Indiana Jones movies and likewise have a

dream about owning one of the whips he uses in the movies.

Disappointingly, this story is not about my fondness for all things 1980s.

A friend was hosting a dinner party that was a loosely veiled front for a matchmaking

event.

Each friend had to bring a single friend of the opposite sex and we were told to dress

to impress.

This had the makings of a fun night, or so I thought, what could go wrong?

All was well until I met Dorothy.

She was pleasant at first, but when I happened to mention my love of Back to the Future, things

turned sour.

Actually, it was her face that turned sour.

Her face scrunched up as if she had smelled a dirty diaper and proceeded to give me her

opinion on Back to the Future, her thoughts on the impossibility of time travel, and every

inconsequential plot hole in the movie.

Did you know that Michael J. Fox wasn't even the original actor cast for Marty McFly?

He wasn't that great anyway.

Why didn't the characters just tell the truth to each other?

Why was Marty's mom attracted to her own son?

It's so unrealistic.

As if the glaring departure from reality for a movie on time travel was a woman being

attracted to Michael J. Fox.

After her monologue, it was clear her conclusion was that the movie was terrible, that I should

feel bad for liking it, and that I was even a little bit terrible.

Even after I tried to walk away from the conversation turned lecture, she cornered

me by the pizza rolls later that night and tried to restate her points and make sure

enforce that I agreed.

I remember thinking at that point how she was one of the most annoying people I'd ever

met, but it wasn't until later that I was able to articulate why.

It turns out she was a full-blown, card-carrying member of the Belief Police.

She was the person who would track you down just to tell you that you were wrong.

If wrong meant that you dared to have an opinion that differed from their own.

In these people's minds, it's unfathomable that people can have different beliefs and

think differently from them.

They can't stand the fact that you disagree with their perspective or come to a different

conclusion, and they attempt to patrol your brain for disagreeable beliefs and thoughts.

And then the attempted conversion begins.

These are the same people who will tell you that things based on opinion or taste are

just plain wrong.

Members of the Belief Police aren't malicious, in fact, it's usually the opposite.

They want to demonstrate knowledge and help or educate so much that they aren't aware

that they become overly pushy, invasive, and downright annoying.

As it happens, self-awareness and the listening skills that come along with it are imperative

for people's skills.

People's skills are all about making the best out of a situation no matter what is happening.

It's about being able to adapt, like a chameleon if need be, and the ability to excel in social

situations.

People's skills may seem like an understated part of life, but in reality, it's actually

the ability to get what you want no matter what.

We may struggle occasionally with circumstances in life, but we struggle the most with people.

People are the gatekeepers.

Not necessarily your resume or anything else you might assume is more important, and thus,

so-called people persons are the ones who move forward in life, not necessarily the smartest,

the most gifted, or the most qualified.

Just take a second, think back to the hierarchy of your office or school.

The people in charge certainly were not the most qualified, but they were probably widely

likeable or presentable in some way.

That is the value of people's skills, soft skills, social skills, interpersonal skills.

They all fall under the same umbrella with the same benefits and effects.

Fortunately, these are all teachable concepts, and most of them are not obvious concepts

such as allowing people to have their own opinions and not enlisting with the belief police.

With making a good first impression and being likable, it's often the small, subconscious,

and more nuanced signals we send out that either repel or draw people to us.

They compound over time, and ultimately, they pave the path for the relationships that determine

how our lives go wherever you are.

But you already knew all of this, since that's why you're reading this book.

And so the goal here is to learn the most important aspects of connecting with others

and understanding them as a means to the action you want.

Some chapters might appear to be commonsensical, but commonsense only comes about through a

certain threshold of experience which not everyone attains at a standard level.

Without that experience, accordingly, some thoughts might also appear counterintuitive.

It's all a matter of exposure and experience, and for some, this book might serve as a beginner,

intermediate, and advanced class all by itself.

Some points might appear to be irrelevant or too nuanced, but that's the thing.

They do matter, and it's people's tendency to completely ignore them that lead to an

interrogation over pizza rolls.

Any small things will add up to you being avoided more often than not.

Those with great people's skills didn't end up there by accident.

They may have started with a talent for making people smile in the way that some of us are

more gifted at football, but ultimately, what they all share in common is that they

took ownership because they knew that no one else would.

This is not necessarily a position that is natural for most of us, especially since most

of our learning occurs in a system where we're told exactly what we should learn and

when, but we shouldn't allow that to hold us back.

For instance, if you're traveling with a friend, this can cause you to act in one of

two ways during that phase.

If you feel that they will take care of all the hotels and maps, then you can relax and

kick your feet up and simply follow.

On the other hand, if you know that your friend is rubbish with a map and can't navigate

his way out of a paper bag, you might approach your trip far differently.

What's the difference between these two approaches?

You either take ownership or not.

If you know your friend is useless at planning, you would take it upon yourself to be accountable

for what happens during the trip because no one else would.

And here's an example of ownership in a more relevant context.

Suppose two people move to a new city.

One decides to actively meet new people and makes a point of being proactive about seeking

out events to attend and activities to participate in.

The other goes to work and then goes straight home afterward, all the while wondering why

he can't meet new people.

Clearly, one of these people in a new city will fare better than the other socially and

it's all due to the degree of responsibility and ownership they hold toward their own fate.

If you think it's only up to you, chances are far greater that you'll do something

about it whatever it is.

It's the same with your interpersonal and people skills.

You can't assume that others are going to help you out and make interactions go smoothly

or even comfortably.

You can't even assume people are going to speak to you first and welcome you into their

group of friends.

This is your duty and yours alone.

When you take ownership, you'll think about your interactions beforehand, prepare for

them and proceed to bite your nails until you're sure they're good.

This very natural level of anxiety combined with forethought is the secret and often overlooked

foundation of amazing skills in any aspect of life.

Most people have the tendency to blame others for their failures and shortcomings and doing

so exempts you from responsibility and thus the ability to look at your own actions honestly

so that you can improve.

In social and interpersonal terms, doing this causes you to make excuses and mutter things

like, wow, they're so weird and boring and hard to talk to or what was wrong with them

instead of looking in the mirror at yourself and wondering what you could have done better.

If you walk through the day and can't find a single person to engage in friendly banter

with, it's not because everyone is unfriendly or awkward, it's because you are.

It's as if you're watching the movie of your life and there's really nothing you can do

besides watch the scenes play out according to a script you didn't write.

You're just stuck in your seat as things happen to you.

You can't take action and make things happen.

You're powerless and helpless.

You're depending on external actions to occur to you, not taking action yourself.

If you see a group of people talking, you don't engage them, you simply hope they break the

ice with you.

You have to make your own opportunities in the social realm.

For instance, one of your first steps might have been picking up this book.

You may have realized that you can't rely on luck as a factor in your interpersonal success

so you're proactively looking for methods to improve your social prowess.

The subtext underneath this point is that anything involving other people has the potential

to feel uncomfortable and create anxiety.

It can feel even scarier to take ownership because you're committing even more towards

something that can cause feelings of pain and rejection.

This can keep us firmly rooted in place.

But unless you realize your responsibility in, one, improving your people's skills to

be able to create those situations and, two, actually creating the situations themselves,

you might never move forward.

Resolve to start behaving differently tomorrow compared to the unintentionally lazy template

you're currently working with because, obviously, that template is not giving you the kind of

results you want.

This book spells out the process by which you can take your people's skills to the

next level.

However, in order for the tips in this book to be valuable to you, you have to start with

the most basic.

You have to take ownership for them and use them.

When we think about people's skills, what typically comes to mind are how to charm people

or solve conflicts.

But we can't effectively arrive at that stage without first changing the way that we view

others.

The thoughts and feelings we hold toward others dictate how we act toward them.

This sounds obvious, but as with many aspects of people's skills, it's something that we

never bother to investigate or become more aware of.

Whatever we feel and think tends to become our reality, whether it's just a biased perspective

or we act in ways to make those thoughts come true.

For instance, take the story of Clever Hans.

Clever Hans was a horse that many believed could perform intellectual tasks, such as

telling time and doing basic math, for example.

During the early 1900s, the horse's owner, Wilhelm von Osten, made Hans somewhat of a

celebrity by carting him around Germany and showcasing his talents to the public.

The performance would go something like this.

Osten would ask the horse to calculate the sum of five plus three, and Clever Hans would

tap his hoof eight times.

Of course, the crowd would go wild, and Osten would praise the horse for his superior intellect.

Not everyone believed Clever Hans was so smart, though.

After testing Hans under many different conditions, they discovered that he answered correctly

only when he could see his prompter and only when the prompter knew the answer to the question

being asked.

In other words, Hans couldn't add two plus two, but when asked by someone who could,

he would tap four times, provided he could see the questioner.

The researchers further surmised that the questioners would change their body language

and posture as the horse was tapping out the answer.

This altered stance occurred in unconscious anticipation of Hans arriving at the correct

answer.

The questioner would change their stance again upon the arrival of the final tap, providing

a visual cue for Hans to stop.

The questioners hoped Hans would answer correctly, which caused them to behave as if he would,

and so he did.

Then we also have what is known as the Pygmalion effect, named for the mythical Greek figure

who fell in love with his own sculpture.

It states that if you have an expectation and image in your head of who that person

will be, that is exactly who they will become to you.

The implication is that however you view someone, you'll treat them in a way that brings that

behaviour out of them.

Good expectations will lead to good outcomes.

Low expectations will similarly decrease performance.

If you think someone is incredibly annoying, you will be standoffish toward them and generally

act in a manner that is actually annoying in and of itself, motivating them to behave

annoyingly.

If you think well of someone, you will act toward them in a manner that encourages them

to be better, and you will give them more chances.

If you think poorly of someone, you will act in a manner toward them that will make them

do worse, and you won't give them the benefit of the doubt.

If you are apathetic toward people, you'll act in a way that makes them apathetic toward

you, all the while calling each other boring.

Our implicit or explicit beliefs influence our actions, which then influence others'

beliefs about us, which then influence their actions toward us, and so on.

We create the world we reside in through our expectations.

If you were told someone was charming and fascinating, you would dig deeper into their

background and discover what might be interesting about them.

They would become that person to you because you gave them the opportunity and goodwill.

You expected greatness, so you went out and found it, and of course, this entire process

makes you more likeable as well.

Conversely, if you were told that same person was a boring dud, you may not even bother

engaging them.

Our assumptions and expectations dictate our actions and create self-fulfilling prophecies.

Before you ever open your mouth, we have to banish the negativity we feel toward others

and create positive expectations of people so they can rise up to meet them.

This is easily the largest source of self-sabotage when it comes to people's skills.

At the very least, we'll focus on giving people the benefit of the doubt and not assuming

the worst.

Hanlon's Razor and Assumptions

One of the first aspects of giving people the benefit of the doubt may seem silly, but

it is more powerful than you think.

Hanlon's Razor originated in 1774 by Robert Hanlon as,

Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by neglect.

The most modern and widespread version is, Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately

explained by incompetence and is often attributed to Napoleon Bonaparte, though author Robert

Heinlein also has a strong claim to it.

Making assumptions about someone's intentions and motivations based on their actions is,

Well, a rather large assumption that is wrong most of the time.

The most likely cause for malice or any other negative intention is neglect or incompetence.

There are simply fewer moving pieces and thus it's easier for such a situation to occur.

Approaching others in this way will create a gentler and more understanding presence

when you stop taking things as personal offenses.

In truth, it's far easier for a person to do something negative out of neglect or incompetence.

To do something out of malice requires a whole lot more planning, intention and motivation.

We'll never know people's true intentions, but if you presume that people aren't always

trying to undermine you, it has the power to massively improve your relationships.

Suppose that you want a particular brand of cereal at the grocery store, yet someone

two feet in front of you grabs the last box.

You are certain they saw you, and yet they ignored your hand gestures and the fact that

you were obviously zeroing in on the same box.

They never even acknowledged you, turn around and walk out of the aisle.

Later, you discover, while stalking them in the checkout lane, that they are actually

borderline blind and couldn't possibly have seen you or your gestures.

Cue feeling like a fool.

You've just created anxiety and rage in a situation where it didn't need to exist.

You could have kept your cool and let things roll off your back, but you didn't.

Hanlon's razor forces you to take your offended ego out of a situation and analyze it with

everyone's best intentions in mind.

It forces you to ask, what are the innocent explanations for this harmful action?

People are oblivious and thoughtless at times, including you, but it usually doesn't mean

what you think it means.

Most importantly, if you assume people don't hold any malice toward you, you're bound

to view them in a more positive light.

All it takes is to explore alternative possibilities to your assumptions and give people the benefit

of the doubt in questioning your assumptions.

One of the biggest reasons people's skills suffer is the absence of this process.

People will make split second judgments and assumptions about others from tiny actions

and never think twice about how incorrect the basis for their conclusions might be.

Just remember, the majority of people possess a degree of reasonableness.

Reasonableness is the opposite of intentional spite or the sentiment that people are acting

irrationally with no sane thoughts to guide them.

There's always a reason people are behaving in a certain way.

It's almost never related to you.

If reasonableness is your starting point, you'll have far fewer arguments.

If you assume that people base their arguments and form their opinions based on some sort

of logic, then it follows that they must be relying on facts and information you are

not aware of.

Suppose you ask a friend to help wash your dishes and they refuse emphatically.

This appears to be incredibly rude and inconsiderate, but suppose your friend told you earlier that

they have a large, open wound on their hand that's prone to infection.

Suddenly, what appears to be malicious is actually done from a point of logic and hygiene.

There are a few assumptions that are particularly harmful when left unchecked and can have a

profoundly negative impact on your social interactions.

Faulty assumption number one, all parties understand what is being talked about.

Are you even talking about the same thing?

Or is there a fundamental disconnect that explains why there are such differences of

opinion?

Is there unnecessary confusion that has led to tension or conflict?

Don't be afraid to stop completely and make sure everyone is on the same page.

Too often, people are so focused on speaking at each other that they don't come to a

mutual understanding.

Faulty assumption number two, we already know the other person's view and opinions

of the situation.

Often, we think we know where someone is coming from and why they think that way.

We are essentially filling in the blanks on how someone came to a particular conclusion

or action.

But how can you ever hope to be accurate?

Unless you explicitly ask, there's no way to know for certain how someone feels about

something and the reasoning that led them there.

We lack the ability to read other people's minds, yet we can sometimes be so convinced

about why someone is trying to insult or damage us.

Ask for other people's views and opinions and don't interrupt them.

Faulty assumption number three, we are right and they are wrong.

When you come to a situation with this assumption, there's no way it's going to end well or

peacefully.

This position on your part is the very opposite of giving someone the benefit of the doubt.

You're completely invalidating their position and line of reasoning right off the bat and

assuming moral and mental superiority.

You go on the offensive and give them no choice but to assume the defensive.

Of course, it's a faulty assumption that you're correct in a certain circumstance.

But if you know deep down that you are or can prove it directly with evidence, at the

very least you don't have to be obnoxious and tactless about it.

A better assumption to replace this is that you have your merits but so do others.

Faulty assumption number four, everyone has the same set of facts.

This is similar to faulty assumption number one, except it assumes that if everyone were

to have all the facts, the same conclusion would be drawn by all.

It's an assumption that everyone has the same logic and makes the same mental leaps you

do.

Perhaps, yes, if everyone had access to the same set of information or background as you

do, they would come to the same conclusion.

Others just might be missing the key factors that make your argument your argument.

But information and learning are not equal, and it's rare that you overlap exactly with

someone else's knowledge.

This is naturally going to lead to misunderstandings and conflict.

A final damaging assumption, similar to Hanlon's razor, is the assumption that any or all matters

are personal.

Just because something negative was said or proposed doesn't mean that it's a slight

against you or that there is a negative judgment about you.

You can be a smart person and do something witless.

It doesn't make you any less smart.

If you hold any of these assumptions, you yourself are not being reasonable and make

it so people are either stupid, unreasonable, or backward.

Even to quell damaging assumptions in your people skills will increase dramatically because

you realize that most other people are just like you.

The better approach is to focus more on being curious and interested in what the other person

knows and what facts have led them to their conclusion.

This way, the conversation is not reduced to a simple matter of black and white.

Instead, you open yourself up to learning new facts that might change your opinion or

strengthen your opinion of the other person.

Clearly, you can see how this might contribute to your people skills.

The Curiosity Factor

Aside from uncovering people's assumptions, curiosity plays a huge role in the way we

receive others and thus how they receive us.

You can be the most charming, funniest person in the room, but if you aren't interested

and curious about the person across from you, there simply won't be a connection.

It turns out that we care if the person across from us is engaged or scanning the room behind

us and looking for someone better to talk to.

Staying curious is a difficult proposition because at first glance, most people might

seem uninteresting or unworthy of paying attention to.

This is undoubtedly the biggest hurdle for most of us.

Even if you don't consciously think it, you subconsciously believe that someone is not

worth being curious about.

You think that even if you dig deeper, you won't find anything worth your time, so why

bother in the first place?

It's true that at first glance, very few of us are compelling.

You include it, but acting on this impulse will limit your communication and keep you

right where you are.

We're cutting off people's ability to be interesting and compelling because we don't

give them a chance, just like the Pygmalion effect dictates.

In the end, it doesn't particularly matter what you believe.

Just start to build the habit of curiosity and eventually, it won't matter if you think

people are worthy or not.

They are.

You'll be able to find the interesting aspects in just about anyone.

To do so, I've found that the absolute best mindset to emulate is that of a talk show

host.

Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O'Brien, whoever your favorite is, they all do the

same thing.

Just ask yourself, what would they do if you're struggling for what curiosity looks like

and how you can wield it?

Conan O'Brien happens to be my favorite, so let's think about the traits he embodies

in a conversation with a guest on his show.

Visualize his studio.

He's got a big open space and he's seated at a desk.

His guest is seated at a chair adjacent to the desk and it's literally like they exist

in a world of their own.

When Conan has a guest on his show, this guest is the center of his world for the next ten

minutes.

They are the most interesting person he's ever come across.

Everything they say is spellbinding.

He is insatiably curious about their stories and he reacts to anything they say with an

abhorious laugh and an otherwise exaggerated reaction that they were seeking.

He is charmingly positive and can always find a humorous spin on a negative aspect of a

story.

His sole purpose is to make his guest comfortable on the show, encourage them to talk about

themselves and, ultimately, make them feel good and look good.

In turn, this makes them share revealing things they might not otherwise share and create

a connection and chemistry with him that is so important for a talk show.

The viewers at home are desperate to learn about this celebrity guest, so Conan acts

as a proxy for their curiosity.

Also, the viewers can tell in an instant if either party is mailing it in or faking it,

so Conan's job literally depends on his ability to use his curiosity to connect on a deeper

level.

Even with grumpy or more quiet guests, he's able to elevate their energy levels and attitudes

simply by being intensely interested in them at an energy level slightly above theirs and

encouraging them by giving them the great reactions that they seek.

It's almost as if he plays the game, how little can I say to get the most out of people.

Of course, in your life, this equates to those people you come across that are like pulling

teeth to talk to.

A little bit of friendly encouragement and affirmation can make even the meekest clam

open up.

Numerous questions directing the conversation toward them and the feeling that you actually

care are also integral.

Imagine the relief you can create at dreaded networking events.

People like those who like them, so when you react the way they want, it encourages them

to be more outgoing and open with you.

Other talk show hosts would later go on the record lamenting how often they disliked his

guests and how boring he found the actors and actresses that he would be forced to speak

to.

But that's a testament to how highly trained his habit of curiosity was.

He started by making a conscious decision to be curious, built the habit, and engaged

his guests easily.

Do you think his guests could tell if he was interested or not?

Never.

Curiosity allows people to feel comfortable enough to speak freely beyond a superficial

level because you're demonstrating that you care and that you will listen when they open

up.

People won't be inclined to reveal their secret thoughts if they think it will be met with

apathy after all.

So whether you have to fake it till you make it, Conan O'Brien is who your mindset and

attitude should feel like.

It's a banal and often used quote, but for good reason.

Dale Carnegie said it best, you can make more friends in two months by becoming truly interested

in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in

you.

In case Conan O'Brien's curiosity still isn't coming naturally to you, here are some more

specific patterns of thought you can use to improve your people skills.

I wonder what they are like.

When you start to wonder about the other person, it changes your perspective on them completely.

This is an inkling of curiosity.

You start to care about them, not only about their shallow traits such as their occupation

or how their day is going, but what motivates them and what makes them act in the way they

do.

Having a sense of wonder about someone is one of the most powerful mindsets you can

have because it makes you want to scratch your itch.

Scratching the itch of curiosity will become secondary to everything else because you simply

want to know about the other person.

Suppose you had a sense of wonder about computers as a child.

You were probably irritating with how many questions you asked anyone that seemed to

have knowledge about computers.

What kind of attention span are you going to devote to computers and what kind of questions

are you going to ask?

You're going to skip the small talk interview questions and get right down to the details

because it's what you care and wonder about.

Keeping the mindset of wonderment will completely change the way you interact with people because

you will suddenly care and much of the time we don't notice that we don't care about

the person we're talking to.

You'll dig deeper and deeper until you can put together a picture of what you're wondering

about.

What can they teach me?

Don't read this from the perspective of attempting to gain what you can from someone.

Read it from the perspective of seeing others as being people worthy of your attention.

Everyone has valuable knowledge whether it applies to your life or not.

Everyone is great at something and everyone is a domain expert in something that you are

not no matter how small or obscure.

The main point is to ignite an interest in the other person as opposed to an apathetic

approach.

Imagine if you were a huge skiing junkie and you met someone that used to be a professional

skier.

They might have even reached the Olympics in their prime.

What will follow?

You'll be thrilled by what you can potentially learn and gain from the other person and that

will guide the entire interaction.

Again, there will be a level of interest and engagement if you view others as worthy of

talking to, but you'd never know unless you dug.

Whether we like to admit it or not, sometimes we feel some people are not worth our time.

It's a bad habit and this line of thinking is one of the first steps toward breaking

it.

One is worth our time, but you won't be able to discover it if you don't put in the work.

What do we have in common?

This is an investigation into the life experiences you share with someone.

It instantly makes them more engaging and interesting because we feel that they are

more similar to us.

It may sound a bit egotistical, but we are undoubtedly more captivated by people that

share the same views and interests as us.

It may even elevate people, especially if we are surrounded by different people from

us.

For instance, if you discovered that a new stranger was born in the same hospital as

you were, despite being in a different country, you would instantly feel more open to them.

This person must share similar worldviews, values and humor, but you wouldn't have discovered

that if you didn't make an attempt at digging.

You're going to be on a hunt and you'll ask the important questions that get you where

you want to be.

You might jump from topic to topic or you might dive in and ask directly.

Perhaps it's just because you'll have something to fixate on besides talking for talking's

sake, but these attitudes will drastically change how you approach people.

Curiosity can still be hard, which is why my final suggestion for creating curiosity

is to make a game of it.

Your goal is to learn as much about the other person as possible.

Alternatively, assume there's something extremely thrilling and exciting about the other person

and make it your quest to find it.

Eventually, you'll find what you're looking for.

The next time you go out to a cafe or store, put these attitudes to the test with the captive

audience of the baristas or cashiers you come across, the lucky few who are paid to be nice

to you.

Do you perceive these workers to be below you?

Or do you treat them differently than you would treat a good friend?

Do you have a sense of wonderment and curiosity about them?

What do you think they can teach you and what do you have in common with them?

Do you tend to ask the baristas or cashiers about their day and actually care about their

answer?

If not, do you think you'll be able to simply turn it on when you're around people you

care about?

Practice your mindsets about the people around you.

It's the easiest practice you'll have because you don't have to lift a finger, but it drastically

transforms the quality of relationships you create.

Walk a mile for empathy.

The final piece of how to reposition your approach to others is all about empathy.

Empathy is the ability to understand the feelings of other people and how they might translate

into actions and behaviors.

When you can relate to someone, you can understand their motivations and behavior, which will

dramatically change how you approach and interact with them.

It's the ability to walk a mile in someone else's shoes to withhold judgment, understand

better, and communicate like you're reading their minds.

Most people have empathy, but it only comes in spurts or it doesn't go very deep into

feeling what other people feel.

We might be impacted for a split second when we see a homeless person, but as soon as we

walk past them, we tend to immediately forget about them, out of sight, out of mind.

It's not to say that you should put all your obligations to the side and fully commiserate

with the plights of the world, ala Mother Teresa, but there is certainly room for greater

empathy in the pursuit of better communication.

A key to empathy concerns judgment.

When it comes first in the form of a snapshot, without considering wider context and intentions,

empathy is doomed to fail.

I would suggest a five-step thinking process that comes courtesy of the Avatar Journal,

an online publication focused on compassion and empathy.

Remember, the purpose is to not take people at face value and to try to understand their

latent emotions.

For instance, if someone lashes out at you, it is an unpleasant experience, but what has

caused them such distress to do so?

Step one, just like me, this person is seeking happiness in his or her life.

Step two, just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his or her life.

Step three, just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness, and despair.

Step four, just like me, this person is seeking to fill his or her needs.

Step five, just like me, this person is learning about life.

Take the example of the homeless person you see on the streets.

How might going through this five-step thought process put them in a new light about their

struggles and daily realities?

How might you view them differently and understand their lives a bit more?

We are always choosing our interpretations of people, whether consciously or subconsciously.

When you engage in empathy, you make the choice to interpret them with psychological closeness,

as if they were an extension of you.

You begin to take on their views and thoughts without really trying, and that's quite

an efficient means of reading between the lines to improve your communication.

Being a people person is about innately understanding as many perspectives as possible.

The end result of having a highly-tuned sense of empathy is that people will ask you in

a rhetorical sense, do you know what I mean?

And you'll be able to put words and sentiments into their mouths.

I can't emphasize how powerful this is in building a connection that goes deep.

Let's take Patricia Moore, for example.

She's a prime example of taking the extra step to understand others and thus be able

to speak for them.

Moore was an American designer who conducted an experiment in the 1970s that fundamentally

changed people's notions about empathy.

What began as a social experiment quickly turned into something more.

She, at the age of 26, dressed up as an 85-year-old woman to investigate what life was like for

an elderly person.

Specifically, what were the challenges they faced as a result of old age, and how could

those challenges be conquered?

On and off, for three full years, Moore donned full makeup, walked with a limp to simulate

arthritis, and wrapped herself in bandages to fake ailments and illnesses.

To complete her transformation into an elderly person, she wore thick glasses that she couldn't

see well out of.

In disguise, she visited many cities and acted as an elderly woman might.

She rode public transportation, navigated stores, and generally tried her hand at everyday

life, essentially handicapped by her advanced age and various ailments.

Based on her experiences, she walked away with a profoundly new perspective on product

design.

Turned out that designs in America are focused predominantly on people who are younger and

more able.

Women openers, doors, and other modern amenities were bundled up with all sorts of assumptions

regarding physical ability.

These products were designed for those who are in the prime of their lives.

They're not very friendly to children and they were definitely outright hostile to the

physical limitations of elderly Americans.

They were not very accommodating or convenient for those with simple ailments such as weak

hands or poor eyesight.

Based on these experiences and her difficulties, she came up with new product designs that

can be used by elderly people.

She also invented new kitchen products that can easily be used by people suffering from

arthritis.

Based on her three-year experience, she became one of the most outspoken and prominent elderly

rights advocates in the United States.

Thanks in large part to her own personal efforts at understanding modern life from the perspective

of an older American, the Americans with Disabilities Act, ADA, was passed.

By simply choosing to walk a mile in another person's shoes, we begin to see the world

in a very different way.

Her experience is a powerful testimony to how well we can improve ourselves and the

world around us by simply choosing to be open-minded and actively seeking to look at the world

through the eyes of people we, at least on the surface, don't have much in common with.

It evokes the quote of Brad Meltzer, everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing

about.

Be kind, always.

When we focus on the universal fact that we are all trying to overcome something, suddenly

we can release some of our tension toward others.

For example, what are the struggles that your friends or co-workers are going through?

Suppose one of them is going through a divorce.

It's worth visualizing the struggles in that and even doing some research so you understand

them better, but go beyond that starting point.

What do their daily triumphs and struggles look like?

There are certain triggers and anxieties associated with divorce, not to mention created by it,

and you would relate to them exponentially better if you just engaged in this thought

exercise from time to time.

By choosing to be more selfless and curious, a repeated theme, about others' perspectives,

you can begin to understand people better.

Inherent in empathy, curiosity, and Hanlon's razor, and the logic of our assumptions, is

that we must fundamentally change how we treat and think of others.

Before we ever open our mouths, we'd better make sure that we're setting ourselves up

for success.

Think how you might want to ensure that there's clean water in your water stores before opening

the water faucet.

Takeaways

People's skills start far before you ever engage with anyone.

They start from the thoughts we have about people and the general way in which we approach

them.

Our thoughts become our reality in one way or another, so, say, clever Hans and Pygmalion,

so we must curate them.

This starts with Hanlon's razor and, at worst, assuming negligence or obliviousness instead

of malice and ill intent.

Most people are well-meaning most of the time, and it only damages potential relationships

to think anything else.

We have far too many assumptions about people that all culminate in a hostile, offensive,

and guarded way of regarding others.

Most of these assumptions end up being spectacularly wrong.

Curiosity is the ultimate people's skills lubricant, but it can be difficult to summon

because we often have a subconscious or very conscious feeling that some people are not

worth our time.

This, of course, is a fallacy that leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy.

At the very least, we should think about what people are like, what we have in common with

others, and what they have to teach us.

Even better, we can utilize the mindset of the talk show host, which is to make the other

person the star of the moment and dig into their life to make them as interesting as

possible.

The final piece of our mindset and approach toward others comes in the form of empathy.

Empathy is the ability to understand the feelings of other people.

Empathy is the ability to accurately put yourself in someone else's shoes and experience what

they are feeling.

This is particularly powerful when we regard them as similar to us with all associated

hopes, dreams, and expectations, and when we think about the struggles they are overcoming

in the current moment.

There always is a struggle.

This has been Improve Your People Skills.

How to connect with anyone, communicate effectively, develop deep relationships, and become a people

person.

Written by Patrick King.

Narrated by Russell Newton.

Copyright 2019 by Patrick King.

Production Copyright by Patrick King.