Today, I’m sharing some hard truths: Aging is a slow decline. But the rate and speed of aging is a choice. In this episode, I detail practices to feel younger than your age and three ways to reframe the aging process. I also illustrate how to create different habits and provide a visualization practice to bring your goals into reality. I know what you're capable of — and you can become empowered to take action and improve the aging process!

First, I share reflections from moments when I felt “old” and why I worked so hard to redirect language around age. I also detail how the body changes in midlife and why it’s so important to reframe how you process and verbalize your experience — and to not give up along the way! From there, I explore three ways to positively reframe the way you think about age, and provide an “ideal scene” visualization practice to get clear about your goals!

Without an ounce of doubt, I feel younger (and better!) today than I did in my 30s. If you are a woman who wants to improve how you feel about the aging process. This episode is for you.

Want FREE access to my brand new four-week strength training plan, Strength Without Stress? Head over to hollyperkins.com/review where you can upload a screenshot of your review and gain immediate access. This is a limited-time offer before it sells for $197, so be sure to grab it now!

If you resonated with anything shared in today’s episode, I hope you’ll rate and leave a *glowing* review of the show on Apple Podcasts. Be sure to follow and subscribe to keep up-to-date when new episodes drop on Tuesdays! 

Topics Covered:

• My definition for “feeling old” 
• Why I redirect the way I think and talk about age
• Why your body changes in midlife
• Three ways to reframe the aging process 
• An “ideal scene” visualization practice 
• Three action steps to create different habits 

Resources Mentioned:

• See the research on ​​menopause body composition changes HERE
• See the research on inflamm-aging HERE
• See the research on muscle tissue changes with aging HERE
• See the research on sarcopenia, frailty, and diabetes in older adults HERE

Follow Me:

Find me on Instagram: @hollyperkins

Learn more on my website: hollyperkins.com

Connect with me on Facebook: facebook.com/HollyPerkinsFitness/

Disclaimer: Content and information as part of The Holly Perkins Health Podcast is for general interest, education, and entertainment purposes only. The use of information on this podcast or materials or products linked from this podcast or website is at the user’s own risk. The content of this podcast is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have and should seek the assistance of their health care professionals for any such conditions.

All right now, I want you to ask yourself honestly, like, honestly honest, is there any real factual reason why you can't change your habits so that you feel better, become healthier, eat better, or improve your fitness, even just a smidge. While you might feel that your body is changing because of age, we both know that there are things you could be doing to improve whatever it is that you don't like about the aging process. Keep listening, because I am going to blow your mind wide open, so that you feel better about aging and become empowered to take action now.

Hello, and welcome to Episode Nine of the Holly Perkins Health Podcast. And wow, since being featured on Amazon's hidden gems collection, there are quite a few listeners around here. Welcome. If that's you, welcome. Welcome. I'm Holly Perkins. And I'll help you use strength training and strategic nutrition to help you create the body that you need to keep up with this life that you love. Be sure to sign up for my weekly emails over at my website, Holly perkins.com, so that you're the first to know of new episodes, programs and events. And be sure to follow me on Instagram at Holly Perkins. So yesterday was my birthday. I'm officially over 50. And I know I don't seem to day over 30, right.

So I have been reflecting on all the times in the past when I felt old. Think this is something that we can all relate to. Regardless of your age, I felt this one I turned 30 I felt this one I turned 3540. And then it kind of stopped. But I wanted to define exactly what it means to feel old. Again, I think we can all relate. And here's where I landed. In the past when I felt old. It was because I felt physically depleted. I was tired, I was exhausted in my body. I also felt aches and pains or stiffness when I would stand up after sitting for a while. And I imagine and wonder if you can relate. I hear this a lot from the women in my community. The truth is nobody wants to feel this way. And since this is the business that I'm in, I know this is a big reason why many women struggle with aging. It's when you feel your age right. Now, there's a whole other conversation about aging that pertains to beauty and appearance and image. And I'm not going to be getting into that aspect of the conversation today.

Today, we're talking about how you feel, mentally and emotionally when you feel old. In this episode, you'll learn my personal practices that have helped me to feel younger than my years even to this day, I can say without an ounce of doubt that I feel younger and better today than I did in my 30s. That is the gosh darn truth. And that's because of the very things that I'm going to be sharing with you today. I'm also going to share how my clients reframe how they think and speak about aging, so that they can defy it.

And I'm going to share a really cool visualization practice that works miracles for bringing your goals into reality. Anytime I feel like my age is an issue, I immediately remind myself that there are women out there who are older than me, who are also in better shape than me. There are women my age and older who look and feel vibrant and healthy, strong and lean and they defy age. I believe that we that's you and me are absolutely capable of feeling strong and energized as we age. Over the past year or so I have been vigilant about how I talk and how I think about my age. I absolutely refuse to say anything derogatory about my age or about my body, either internally to myself in a quiet moment and specifically outwardly to other people. I avoid using any language that references my age as being old like oh, I look so old today or I'm feeling my age.

I worked so hard to change that language. And I think it pays off. When other women speak of their age in a negative manner, I always offer a reframe, and a redirect. If someone else says something in reference to my age, I very politely correct them. So as to set an example, I will not, and cannot allow myself to feel anything negative about my age, because I believe my words become my reality. And I believe that's the truth for you as well. But I can only speak for myself, right. But guess what, I rarely feel old. And I feel 100% able to keep my body young, mobile, flexible, strong and lean. And I know if I'm not feeling that way, it's always a reflection of my habits. So let's get into three things that you can do right now, to feel better about aging.

The first thing that I pretty much already alluded to is to reframe how you think about your body in relation to your age. I'm gonna get real here for a moment. In fact, in this whole episode, I'm going to be quite real and share some very honest talk, because I think there are a lot of conversations out there that aren't really honest, and raw and truthful. And as I sat down and created my notes for today's episode, I even found myself sort of like regurgitating things that you hear out there in the world. And I was like, hold up, I don't believe that, for example, something I wanted to say is, you know, it doesn't have to be that as you age, there's a decline. And while I kind of want to believe that philosophically, that's also also not true, I'm gonna get into that in a moment. It is true that as we age, there's a decline. Now, there's a lot we can do about it. And I do think it's really important to reframe how you look at this, but it's true.

So you're gonna get some real real from me today. And the first is that aging is a slow decline. But you know, what's really interesting, I learned this years ago, and I love this little tidbit. Technically, when we look at the chronological aging process of humans, we actually begin our decline at the age of 18. It's true. 18 is what we consider 18 ish, right? We consider that full chronological maturation. And technically, it's all downhill after 18. And it's crazy when you think about that from a biological perspective, because we certainly never thought that when we were 19, or 20, or 21, or 22. Most people don't anyway, right? But isn't it interesting that this idea of aging starts in your 20s in your 20s, if you're in my community, there's a good chance you're over 40. And when I look back on that, and I hear young women in their 20s, as they're approaching 27, or 28 say that they feel so old, it just cracks me up. Because isn't that the lifelong conversation we have, specifically as women. And you know what, we got to change that.

So that's partially what today's episode is about starting to reframe, number one, how you think about aging, how you think about your body through the aging process, but maybe more important than everything, how you verbalize that either to yourself inwardly while you're in the shower, or waking up in the morning, or what you actually say to friends and family. Aging is a slow decline, but the rate and speed of aging is a choice. The mistake I see women making is that they buy into that truth that aging is a decline, instead of doing their best to fight it. They equate aging with decline, and therefore they allow it to be the de facto reality, right? If you believe that it's all downhill after 50 Or after menopause, that's going to be your reality.

You've got a choice. Allow the aging process to age you or acknowledge it and do your best to slow the rate in the speed. My mom gave up the fight and died at the age of 76 way older than her actual years. And you and I both know someone older than 76 Who is vibrant, active and healthy. Heck, if you look around enough, there are women in their late 70s and 80s that are thriving. How you choose to age starts now with you choosing to defy age, right? Many women somewhat unconsciously believe that the menopausal transition means a loss of a youthful or fit, or energized body. And many women think that it's just game over through that menopausal transition. And after that, this is just what happens during menopause.

And this is just the way it is when you go through menopause. And the truth actually is, this just isn't true. Midlife is not the start of a decline. It's a prompt to redesign your habits, how you eat and how you exercise. If you're struggling with perimenopause, hormonal changes in your late 30s or early 40s, or you're in that menopausal window like me, or you're even postmenopausal your symptoms, or the changes in your body are signals that you need to do things differently. What Got You Here Won't Get You There, it's simply time to start doing things differently. Your old practices might not work for you anymore, because the midlife transition is a very radical, biological change. A common thing I hear from my clients is, but I've never had these issues before, meaning they come to me when they're starting to face the symptoms that come along with their hormonal change. And whether it's let's say digestive issues, or fatigue or loss of muscle, something I hear all the time is well, but it was never an issue before.

But the truth is, if you're now struggling with weight gain for no apparent reason, or fatigue, or loss of muscle, and these are new symptoms that you've never dealt with before, you'll be inclined to think, Oh, this is what happens during midlife. And then the follow up question I get is okay, so why are these new symptoms happening now? So here's a very brief explanation of why your body changes in midlife.

Number one, estrogen begins to fluctuate and begins to decline in your late 30s to early 40s. It starts sooner than most women realize. For many women, it's a surprise to find out that their hormones begin changing at such a young age. Even when I was starting to have symptoms in my mid 40s. There was a part of me that was like this has nothing to do with menopause. I am too young for menopause. But the truth is, it was the beginning signs and symptoms of estrogen fluctuation.

Number two, as estrogen declines, inflammation automatically increases. This increase in inflammation from the decline of estrogen is on top of any inflammation happening because of other life factors. Be sure to listen to episode three when your workout isn't working, where I talk more about the etiology of inflammation as it relates to the conversation I have here in my community.

Number three, when estrogen drops, research shows an increase in aches and pains and fatigue for many women. So if those are your first signs and symptoms between these ages, those are related to the loss of estrogen even if it's a slow decline.

Number four when this happens, we also see a disruption in gluco regulatory control, which means that your body has a harder time keeping your blood sugar stable, and there is an increased tendency for decreased insulin sensitivity.

Number five with disrupted blood sugar control, we see an increase in body fat and a concentration of this increase as belly fat. You might be inclined to say exactly, these are very real changes happening in my body. And to that I say no, it simply means that you need to adopt different habits that address inflammation and blood sugar control.

Now, you can't really change how your body's decline of estrogen takes place, you can improve your habits, namely, diet and exercise, that's my topical area, right? You can change your habits to improve your overall hormonal picture, and possibly slow the decline or disruption in estrogen, but there's not a lot you can do about it. But there are a lot of things that you can do to address the symptoms, which are the result of inflammation and unstable blood sugar.

That's why it's been so much time talking about the quality of your workouts and what your diet looks like. improving blood sugar control is best handled through your diet, exercise as part of it without a doubt, appropriate exercise improves your gluco regulatory control. But your nutrition is the fastest way to improve blood sugar regulation. At this stage of life, you may need to start eating differently or exercising differently, so that you avoid adding more inflammation on top of what life is already throwing at you. Yes, your body is changing and symptoms or complaints that you have are not in your head.

If you're over the age of 37 ish and you're suffering, there is a very good chance it's because your estrogen is beginning to fluctuate and decline. Please do not let anyone tell you that you are too young for it to be menopause related. While it may not be true menopause yet, and probably isn't, it is part of the menopausal transition. And if your doctor disagrees with me on this, if you're suffering, please find a different doctor who takes your symptoms seriously. I cannot tell you the number of times that my clients came to me clearly with mid life hormonal issues, and their doctors kind of waved them off. And they were like, You know what, you're too young for this to be related to menopause.

And well, yeah, it's not menopause. Menopause is when you stop menstruating. But it's the hormonal fluctuations that are leading up to the cessation of your menstrual cycle. There is tons of research out there on this topic if you want to dive even deeper. And there are other experts out there that that is all they talk about is perimenopause and the menopausal transition. But I've included some awesome research links below if you want to take a look at just some of the basic information. The takeaway here is to start reframing how you think about and verbalize the experience that you're having. Instead of saying, my body is falling apart because of menopause, or there's nothing I can do. It's just part of life, I encourage you to say instead, my body is changing. And so my habits and self care practices must change as well. What can I do now to reduce the triggers in my life that are causing inflammation?

In a moment, I'll give you some specific action steps. But first, I want to offer another perspective that is going to feel like tough love. And it actually is tough love. Bear with me here. Because when you grasp this objectively, and honestly, it'll be a massive game changer in terms of how you feel about aging. It is absolutely true that your body changes over time, it gets harder to stay in shape. That is true. It gets harder to lose weight. That's true. It's true for most people, I don't believe that has to be the case. But for most people, that is the reality and it does get harder to motivate. Fatigue is real.

The changes in your body that happened during perimenopause and around menopause are significant and they are not just in your head. That being said, I encourage you to get real and honest with yourself. Because the issue I see as a coach every single day when women come to me for coaching is that they experience these changes, and then they use them as an excuse to give up the fight. The construct here is oh this is just what happens in midlife and during menopause and there's nothing I can do about Got it. So I might as well enjoy my wine. It's as if there is a small part that just gives up the battle and the fight, because you now have something to blame it on something very legitimate. The hormonal changes at this time of life are legit for real. But most of the time, women who do this are unaware that they're doing it, they actually believe it to be true.

So really, my message today is to prompt you to get honest with yourself, if you're feeling your age, get honest about your habits, and get clear on your goals. I've got some good tips coming up in a minute. But for now, it's going to shift things for you, if you'd ask yourself, are my current habits the same as they were 10 years ago, or at a time when you felt better or younger, maybe that was last year or two years ago, I want you to reference back to a time earlier, where you felt better in comparison to where you are now whether that was your body weight, or your fitness or your leanness or your energy or whatever, right? Back at the time when you felt better. Were your habits different than they are right now. For example, right now at 52, which I can't believe my body is not as fit lean, or strong as it was when I was 4210 years ago, at 42. I was at my lifetime peak thus far. So so far in this lifetime that like 40 to 44 ish 4546 was my peak performance and peak fitness.

I'll get back there. I know I will. But this pre menopausal transition has been pretty brutal. For me, I also had to deal with some health hiccups in general, that kind of complicated the whole scenario. Anyway, at that time, I was in fabulous shape. Right now I am not. In fact, my body fat and my body weight are definitely higher now than they were 10 years ago. And I certainly feel the other common symptoms related to menopause. I've gotten through some of those common things like the emotional swings and hot flashes, I've been able to remedy those.

But I definitely feel like a lot more fatigued, I definitely feel like my strength has gone down in the gym. And I could very easily blame these challenges on menopause, which is deeply challenging. I could blame my body changes on this challenge. But when I get honest with myself, it is crystal clear that my diet and exercise habits now do not match what I was doing 10 years ago, when I was super fit and super lean. I know without a doubt that if I started doing exactly what I was doing back then a lot of these symptoms would shift. Now a lot has happened in 10 years.

And I actually believe that my practices are more effective now. And when I am ready to begin that cycle of getting back into peak shape, probably in January 2024, beginning of the new year. And when I'm recording this episode, it's in December. But when I get back to that phase, I actually know that I'm going to be able to get to a better place doing less than I did 10 years ago because I've learned so much. But the point is, I cannot blame my current body weight, my current body fat or my fatigue on menopause. Yes, hormones are the trigger. But it's so important to look at what are your habits? I'll use myself as an example. What are my habits that I've been using over the past year that have resulted to where I am now. Social media is a blessing and a curse.

In my opinion. I definitely go through a love hate relationship with it. Right now I'm in a phase where I'm not engaging on social media as much as I have in the past. I will get back to it. But if you're new to my podcast and you tend to be more unsocial, I'm not super active there right now. So do make sure that you come over to my website and you sign up for my email list because that is my primary place for communication with my community.

Just FYI as an aside, but on the note of social media, it does allow for us to know of other women who are out there who are defying age. There are women out there who are in fabulous shape, and feel great and my point here is if it exists out there. And you can see another woman who's leading by example, and who is defying age, which it does exist out there. If she can do it, you can do it too. If it's possible for her, it's possible for you, I promise.

So let me give you three things that have helped me and my clients to positively reframe how we think about age. Number one, learn this phrase, there is no reason why I can't feel better, get leaner, be healthier, eat better, et cetera, whatever your complaint is, right? Now, bring it to mind, and say, there is no reason why I can't be better and reduce these symptoms that I'm experiencing. When you take action towards being healthier, you'll slow biological age and be younger.

If weight loss is part of your goal, I want you to ask yourself right now, do you truly believe that you can't lose three pounds? Truly? Do you think that? Of course you can. So take action, lose the three pounds? And then ask yourself again, is there any real reason why I can't lose three pounds? Of course you can. The same goes for building muscle or becoming more fit. Give yourself small goals that you know you can achieve. And make sure that you're honest with yourself about the reality, the truth of your circumstance, there is no reason why you can't move towards whatever goal you want, whether it's to just feel better, have more energy, sleep better, workout more frequently, eat more broccoli, whatever it is, there is no reason why you can't there's not.

Number two, I want you to ask yourself, honestly, what you actually want for yourself at this time and in the near future. And be honest, because if there is one part of you that thinks you need to be ripped, and lean and super fit, but another part of you would rather have freedom in your routines, you'll create competing intentions. Competing intentions are when there are two desires, or two goals or two intentions that directly conflict with each other.

For example, a competing intention would be I want to lose weight, and I want to eat three donuts every day. Or I want to sleep every day until seven. That's the only time that I can work out and I want to be in shape. So if you want to work out and you want to sleep till seven, that's the only time that you have for a workout, you've got a competing intention, these intentions conflict, which to want more to be fit and strong and healthy, or to sleep in. Now, in the moment in the heat of the moment at 630. In the morning, you might say to yourself, what you really want more is to sleep in. But we'll talk about that in another episode.

Because sabotage and delayed gratification come into play here. Because while you might want to sleep in in that specific moment, is that what you want for yourself in the long run? No. Get honest with yourself about what you want, and what you're willing to do to get it. Because if you're not willing to do something about your complaints, it's not fair to your soul that you keep complaining, I warned you there would be a little tough love, right. And while it's a bit uncomfortable, if someone doesn't call it out, it's going to remain unconscious to you identify what it is that you want, and then check your actions to make sure that you're backing it up. And if you are doing everything that is in alignment with your goal and you're struggling and you're not getting results, then we've got an information gap, then it might just be a function of you don't have the right strategy or you're not following the right program. And that's a different conversation. But if your actions are not reflecting your goals, we got to work on the mindset and how you think about it.

Number three, this one is my favorite. And I learned it when I completed my two year certification in spiritual psychology at the University of Santa Monica, and that is to create what we call an ideal scene. This practice has worked literal miracles in my life. If, and is exactly how I manifested the amazing life that I have right now and more importantly, the amazing husband that I found. And while it is a whole set of steps to really do an ideal scene properly, I'm gonna give you some of the basics here, because if you can just get the basics down, it can be super helpful. Take a piece of paper and label it at the top with your ideal scene for something positive.

So for example, my ideal scene for vibrant energy, or my ideal scene for optimal health, my ideal scene for ideal body composition, or ideal body weight, got to make sure you frame it in the positive, then I want you to imagine, visualize out about six to nine months into your future, where you've already achieved that goal, that ideal scene, the dream. Then, on the paper, write down sentences in the present tense, that describe how you feel, now that you've achieved your ideal scene, how will you feel, for example, you might say, I am so happy that I feel strong in my body, and lean in my jeans. Or you might say I am so proud of myself for achieving my ideal body weight. It's got to be in real time, and it's got to be positive. And it really should be something celebratory something that you're excited about.

How would you feel if you achieved your goal, whatever it is, if your goal is to lose weight, how would you feel six months from now, if you lost 12 pounds, oh my gosh, you'd feel amazing, you'd be so proud of yourself, you'd wear different clothing, you'd smile more, you'd be happier. There's so many things that would happen as a result of you achieving your ideal scene, you'd be a different person. So write that down on the piece of paper, write as many sentences as you can, that reflect how you feel how it feels in your heart and soul when you achieve this ideal scene.

And then I want you to read and recite those sentences every night before bed. Now, sometimes this is hard to put into practice. But if you will do it, my friend, it works hilarious miracles. I have thought about doing a free workshop on this process, like doing an ideal scene with my community. At some point, I thought about it numerous times. Because it's a practice I do with my private clients. But I've never done it for the public. So if that's something you'd be interested in, let me know. Either leave a comment wherever you're listening, or come over to my blog at Holly perkins.com. And you can leave a comment at the bottom of any blog entry which reflects an episode. So if you're listening to my podcast, let's say on Apple podcasts, every episode has a dedicated blog page over on my website. So just come to my website, Holly perkins.com, go to the blog, find any one of those entries and leave me a comment at the bottom of the page. So it's a great way to communicate with me.

Anyway, let's move on to the third area to help you feel better about your age. And ooh, this is a good one. hear me loud and clear. You cannot be upset about lackluster results. Lack of results. If you're not really trying. Are you really trying and taking action to lose weight or gain muscle or become more fit? Are you really trying to eat better? Are you really eating better. Ultimately, in order to get different results, you need to take new actions. And again, this comes back to getting very honest with yourself. And this becomes even more true around menopause, you may need different habits. So let me give you some specific things that you can try.

Number one, make strength training three times per week of the priority, especially if you feel old and tired. This is a non negotiable for me. If I prioritize my work over my workouts, which I tend I have a tendency to do I love to work. And when I get engaged in a project, there's such a tendency for me to prioritize that and not my workouts and I wake up feeling super tired. And when this happens, it is always because I got off track with my strength workouts.

There's a ton of research to support this. We know it to be true. If this episode resonates with you and you feel tired and you feel old and you feel achy. Strength training is your salvation. It is remarkable what two to three strength workouts per weak can do for you. Because of sarcopenia, you lose a statistically significant amount of muscle every year simply because of aging. loss of muscle contributes to fatigue, injury aches and pains, bone loss and frailty. This is big stuff really and truly well designed strength workouts can remedy so much for you, if you're having some of the symptoms that I've talked about today.

Number two, at the very minimum, eat breakfast within one hour of waking, if you don't make any other dietary changes make this one change. I have had clients where their goals were big. And at the outset, it would appear that we would need to employ a lot of different strategies. But I've had several clients where I just literally have them start eating breakfast within one hour of waking a few more notes in a moment. And it changes so many things about their biology, that it got them to their goals way faster than many other things, they could have done many other habits. So I know that it's super common, you might be saying, but I'm not hungry in the morning, or I don't have an appetite, or I like to fast until noon, I know there's a really good chance that you're having a knee jerk reaction to that and you're like, I can't eat breakfast or I don't eat breakfast. I have heard every reason in the book for skipping breakfast.

And if that's you listen up and listen clear, without trying to debunk any ideas around eating breakfast or not. I can tell you after 30 years of practice, that 99% of my clients notice a significant shift and substantial benefits when they start eating within one hour of waking and absolutely prior to a workout. So if you're someone who gets up early and you work out first thing, you absolutely must be fueling yourself in the morning, full stop. But even more specifically, if you're waking up and working out, you've got to fuel yourself.

And to take that a step further. I recommend you structure that meal or snack even if it's just 200 calories to get you through a workout. I recommend that you structure that first eating of the day, so that 50% of the calories are coming from carbohydrates, and 25% of the calories are coming from protein and fat. So if you'll have a three or 400 calorie, proper breakfast, 50% of those calories come from carbs. If you're waking up and you're working out, and you're only eating 180 to 200 calories, 50% of those calories should come from carbs. Now if you don't understand this language, be sure to come over to my website and get my free macros 101 guide book download totally free. Holly perkins.com forward slash macros, ma si r o s if you don't already have it. And we'll walk you through specifically how to do this and what this language means.

And the third thing that you can do to start taking action now and you're not going to like this one. But I told you I'd be honest with you reduce or eliminate alcohol, refined sugars and caffeine. Especially if you know that you're sensitive to caffeine. The less you have, the better you will feel. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it's truth. Okay, and that is it my friend. I hope that these ideas help you to reframe how you talk to yourself and how you talk to others about aging. Listen, you don't have to suffer. If you want to feel better or become healthier. It is 100% possible, I promise, right?

There is no reason why you can't be even a little better than you are right now. I promise. And I've been in this business for over 30 years. I have seen it all trust me. I have seen it all my friend and I know what you're capable of. Do you identify your ideal scene, write it out, believe it and go for it. And don't stop until you achieve it. I promise it will be worth every compromise and every sacrifice that you make. I hope you enjoyed this episode. If you want access to my four week strength without stress program for FREE Be sure to rate and review this episode now. Grab a screenshot and then send it to me over at Holly perkins.com forward slash review and you will get immediate access for free. And stay tuned for another brand new episode on Tuesday next week. Stay strong my friend.