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He could feel it building. The tension in his jaw, the short answers, the way he'd stopped really hearing her. Then she asked one small question, and something snapped.

Most people try to manage anger at the peak, at a seven or eight out of ten, when there's very little thinking happening. By then it's almost too late. The change has to come much earlier.

Alastair shares the two things he gave Dan. First, recognise your own early warning signs, whether that's tight shoulders or one-word answers. Second, use the Tension Scale: rate yourself one to ten, and act when you hit five.

You don't need to fix everything today. You just need to know your warning signs. That one habit will change more in your relationship than you'd think.

Daily Relationship Tips helps couples strengthen relationship communication, rebuild emotional intimacy, restore relationship trust, develop healthy relationship habits, and reconnect before emotional distance becomes permanent.

Hosted by Alastair Duhs, relationship coach and creator of Reconnected.

He knew he was getting angry.

He could feel it.

The tension in his jaw, the short answers, the way he'd stopped really hearing what his wife was saying.

And then she asked one small question and something in him just snapped.

That describes a man I worked with about a year ago.

And what he told me next was the part that haunted him most.

Not what he said when he was angry, but the look on his wife's face when he said it.

Hi, I'm Alastair Dues and this is the daily Relationship Tips podcast.

Every episode, I share simple, practical tools to help you and your partner feel close, connected, and genuinely in love again, one small habit at a time.

Now, if you have a problem with anger in your relationship, you probably know it.

What you may not know, however, is that anger in a relationship isn't always the problem.

It's often a signal of something deeper.

But if you can recognize what this deeper thing is and learn to control your anger before you get too escalated, your relationship with your partner, your family and even yourself will transform.

Now, here's where many people go wrong.

They try to manage their anger.

At the peak of it, when they're mid argument and already at a 7 or 8 out of 10 and there's very little thinking happening at that point, it's almost impossible to respond well.

Your brain is in threat mode.

Your words come out that don't represent who you are or how you actually feel about your partner.

The key to change things is earlier, much earlier.

For example, the man I mentioned at the start of this episode, I'll call him Dan, came to me angry with himself.

More than anything, he loved his wife.

He didn't want to speak to her the way he sometimes did.

But by the time he realized things were escalating in an argument, he was already past the point where.

Where he could do much about it.

So I gave him two things.

First, I taught him to recognise his early warning signs.

The physical signals that tell you anger is building before it takes over.

For Dan, it was a tightness in his shoulders and a tendency to give one word answers.

For you, it might be different.

A faster heartbeat, a clenched jaw, a sudden urge to go very quiet.

Whatever it is, identify it.

Your early warning signs are your first, alert.

Second, use a number on an anger scale.

I call this the tension scale.

On any given day, rate where you are from 1 to 10, one is calm, 10 is furious.

The goal isn't to stay at 1, but that's not realistic.

But when you hit 5, take action before you hit 8.

That might mean a short walk, five minutes of quiet, a glass of water, and a breath.

Just enough space to come down before you come back.

Dan started doing this.

It felt almost too simple to him at first, but within a few weeks, his wife noticed the change.

Not because the difficult moments disappeared, but because he started managing the distance between feeling something and doing something about it.

So here's today's exercise.

Think about what your early warning signs of anger actually are.

When you're getting wound up, what do you feel first?

Where does it show up in your body?

And once you know your warning signs, you can catch your anger before you get too escalated.

And this gives you choices that you didn't have before.

Remember, too, that you don't need to fix everything today.

You just need to know your early warning signs of anger.

That's the first step.

So take today's exercise seriously.

Notice your warning signs of anger today.

And if you feel yourself rising above a five step away before you get to eight, that one habit will change more in your relationship than you'd think.

Now, if today's tip landed for you, there's a lot more where it came from.

Head to dailyrelationshiptips.com and take the free two minute quiz to see how connected you and your partner are with right now.

And while you're there, you'll find a stack of relationship resources to help you put these habits into practice.

Everything you need to create a happier, more loving and connected relationship is waiting for you.

Thanks for listening and I'll see you in the next episode.