This week Brooke steps away from teaching to just tell you about her week. A flashing school zone light that shouldn't have been on. A lost boy on the side of the road. A laugh-filled walk with a friend. A pickleball loss that still felt like a win. A chance conversation with a church service missionary. None of it dramatic, but Brooke makes the case that this is exactly where God shows up, if we're watching for it.

In this episode:

• Why instigating relationships, instead of waiting to be asked, opens more doors for connection
• The nightstand habit that's changed her mornings and evenings
• The six-second kiss (a concept from researcher John Gottman) and what it does for a marriage
• Holding joy and disappointment in the same week without one canceling out the other

Join Brooke's class on regulating your nervous system, Thursday, September 10th at the South Jordan Community Center. $25. You can register here!

https://brookeoniki.com/emotional-regulation-workshop/

Welcome to Midlife with Brooke.

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I am your host, Brooke Oniki.

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I'm a disciple of Jesus Christ,

a wife, mother, grandma,

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and a certified life coach.

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On this podcast, we talk about all things

mothering, health and emotional wellbeing.

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I share practical tools and

examples from my life and from the

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lives of my clients to help you

navigate this new season of midlife.

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It can feel tricky and confusing and

a little bit out of our comfort zone

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as our children grow up and they

don't really need us in the same way.

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These concepts and principles have changed

my life and I've watched them change

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the lives of my clients, and I hope that

they can be helpful if there are things

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that you wanna change in your life.

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So let's get started.

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Hey, welcome back to the podcast, or

if this is your first time, welcome.

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I am so glad that you are here.

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I want to invite you, if you live in the

Salt Lake Valley, to come to a class I'll

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be teaching on Thursday, September 10th.

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So that's this coming Thursday.

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It's about how to regulate

your nervous system.

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So many things that we regret saying

or doing happen because we respond

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when we are in fight or flight.

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We get snarky or sarcastic or angry,

and then later we have all this

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repair that we have to do, or we

go into some kind of shame spiral.

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So I teach people to understand that

their body's giving them signals that

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they know that their nervous system is

dysregulated, and when that happens,

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there are things we can do to bring

ourself back into regulation before

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we have the conversation, before we

say the thing we don't want to say.

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It doesn't mean that I always

swallow my feelings and I never

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tell someone what's on my mind.

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I just wait to do it till I'm in my

rational way of thinking so that I can

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have a constructive conversation that

will move the relationship forward

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in a good way and in a healthy way.

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So I would like you to come.

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It's $25.

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It's at the South Jordan Community

Center, and I will link the information

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in the show notes of this podcast.

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So today I felt inspired to share some

things that happened in my week that

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I felt like I saw God's hand in it.

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And the purpose of doing this is I

want you to start thinking, "Where

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am I seeing God's hand in my life?

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Where am I feeling guided and

directed and, and led in ways?"

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I think the more we think about

that, the more we'll begin to see it.

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So these examples are not profound,

but kinda profound to me, so I

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just wanna share them and then

encourage you to do the same.

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So I was on my way to do my

temple shift on Tuesday night.

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It was about 5:00, and I noticed

as I pulled out onto the kind of a

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busier street off of my street, that

the lights were on that show that

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the speed limit needs to be 20 miles

an hour because it's a school zone.

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That's very unusual at 5:00, 'cause school

gets out closer to, like, 3:30 or 3:45.

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But I slowed down anyway because

it seemed like I should, 'cause

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the lights were flashing.

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But slowing down caused me to miss the

light at the corner where the school is.

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So all of a sudden I was at the light.

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There were no other cars really,

and I looked over at the sidewalk,

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and there was a little boy there

who seemed very distressed.

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He had a bike on the ground next to

him, and he was sitting on the sidewalk.

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And I asked him, "Are you okay?

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Do you need something?"

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And he started crying, and he

said, "Yes, I need you to help me."

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So I drove through the stoplight,

made a U-turn, came back, and he

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told me that he had been riding

home from school, and he got lost.

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And he said, "I tried to ride

to the mountains, and then I

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realized I had gone too far."

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And he told me where his elementary

school was, and it, I know it's, like,

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three or four miles from my house.

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So he had gone much further

than he was supposed to.

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But he did know his mom's cellphone

number, and so we called her, and she

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was so relieved that he had been found.

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And the police were there in just a

few minutes, and then his mom came,

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brought his little sister, and it was

really sweet to watch their reunion

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and to see him feel so relieved that

he was back in the arms of his mother.

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And I was really touched

to be a part of that.

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Even though what I needed to do

was so small, it felt really lovely

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that I got to witness this blessing

that came to this little boy.

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And I just felt like, oh, it was not a

coincidence that the lights were still

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flashing, that somehow the crossing guard

had forgotten to turn those lights off.

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Because without that, I

wouldn't have stopped.

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And I suppose later somebody would have

stopped, but I was grateful to be the one

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that stopped when he needed some help.

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I felt like God's hand was in that.

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Earlier in the week, I went

on a walk with a friend.

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She and I walk on Tuesday mornings, and

we have the most delightful conversations,

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and sometimes we're laughing so hard

we have to stop walking for a minute.

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And I love when I get to be with her.

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And I thought how filled that I feel

when I get to spend time with her, and

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it's so fun to laugh and talk about

things that happened when we were

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younger, or things that we've learned,

or ways that we've changed, or ways

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that we're glad we haven't changed.

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And walking with her just makes

me feel young and delightful, and

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just filled with joy and happiness.

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And I thought, "Oh, that's another

way that God shows His hand to me.

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He puts friends in my life that bring

me so much joy" Yesterday, I went on

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a walk with my sister-in-law, and we

had such a meaningful conversation

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that helped me feel more enlightened.

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I loved hearing her perspective.

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She loves my family and loves my children,

and I love her family and her children.

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And so as we talked through some

of the things that we don't fully

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understand or wanna be better at, it

was just so great to be with someone

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who has so much history with me and

so much understanding of my life and

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my experiences, and I left feeling

like God had a hand in that as well.

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Also yesterday, I was playing

pickleball with some friends, and

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A friend and I were playing against

two really good players, and we were

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doing so well, and it seemed like

every point we were just shouting

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and screaming like, "We did it.

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We got it."

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And we lost 11 to eight, but we

were so proud of ourselves and

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so proud of how we had done.

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And I just felt so enlivened by that

because it just feels good to try

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hard and do your best and feel like

you're getting better at something,

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and I just loved being there.

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on Thursday, we were taking Emi home,

and I was sitting in the backseat

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with her, and I was trying to think

of something entertaining to do.

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and I said, can you pretend laugh?"

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And she just immediately started laughing.

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And then we laughed.

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And so then we had Grandpa pretend

laugh, and then I pretend laughed,

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and we all laughed at that.

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And w- and then we tried, "Let's

pretend that we're crying."

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And everybody shared their pretend cry.

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And then we acted like we were surprised,

and then we acted like we were scared.

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And we all took turns

doing our version of it.

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And it just felt delightful to be

there with her and to feel like she

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knows how to do all these things.

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She's so smart.

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She's so capable, and I get to

spend time with her every week, and

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I felt lots of joy in that moment.

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I also had some coaching groups this last

week, and as these women interact with

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one another and I see the commonalities

in their life experience and the way they

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buoy each other up, and as we talk about

things they can do to l- look at it from

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a different perspective or rethink how

they wanna communicate with their husband

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or one of their children, it just lights

me up to be in those conversations.

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And again, I felt the hand of God there

Another really sweet thing that happened

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I met a church service missionary who

told me about her struggles with ADHD, and

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she was explaining her goals for college.

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She would like to get a PhD, and

she shared all of the plans she had,

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but she doesn't have the financial

backing to make that happen.

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So as we talked about it, I shared

with her, "Oh, I just did a podcast

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with someone who has ADHD and

who helps people that have ADHD."

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And so I gave her the information to

listen to the podcast, and I encouraged

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her to look into places that she could

get, financial aid and help and different

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people that she could reach out to.

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And at the end of the conversation,

she said to me, "I think we

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were meant to meet today.

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I think this was an important

discussion for me to have."

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And I just thought, how many times

do we cross paths with someone that

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we were meant to be there for, in

our families, complete strangers?

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And since I had a couple of those this

week, where I had interaction with

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strangers that seemed to be edifying

to me and also to them, it just

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made me appreciate how God is in our

lives and how He wants to interact,

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and He wants to help us help other

people, and He wants us to receive the

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help that other people can give us.

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So some of you might be thinking,

"Well, I don't have a best friend that

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I laugh so hard on a walk with," or, "I

don't get along with my sister-in-law.

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Wouldn't it be nice if I

had a life like yours?"

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But I just wanna submit to you that my

walking partner is someone I've known

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from afar for a long time, and she had

a walking partner, so I used to see

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them walking, and I used to feel like,

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They look like they're having so much fun.

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I would love to be in

their walking group."

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And then her friend moved, and so

I decided after a while, I'm gonna

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reach out to this lady and say,

"I would like to walk with you."

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And we don't walk every day.

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It seemed like she and her

friend were walking every

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day, but we walk once a week.

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And I asked her.

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She didn't know me that well, but

I just felt like she's someone I

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would really like to get to know.

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And so I decided to do that.

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My sister-in-law, I texted months ago and

said, "I'd like to go on a walk with you."

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And she has a very busy life, and so it

took a while before we got to do that.

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But I'm grateful that when I

want to make a relationship

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with someone, I instigate it.

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I don't wait for somebody to ask me.

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I try to create the thing that I want.

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And pickleball's the same.

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I talked about pickleball in one of

my newsletters, and one of the people

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that gets my newsletter lives near me.

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And she reached out and said, "I

didn't know you played pickleball.

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Would you like to come to our group?"

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So in that case, I didn't instigate,

but I was willing to go and play with

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them even though I wasn't sure that I

would be good enough to play with them.

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I'm not as good as many of the players are

that I play with, but I'm getting a lot

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better, and I've taken some lessons now,

and I feel like I've improved quite a bit.

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But I had to be willing to go and

participate and not be good at it,

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and work at it until I could get

better so my message is I think we

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can see God in really simple ways

in our lives if we watch for it.

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And I think there are things that

we can do to make it more likely

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that we will feel His influence.

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One of the things that I've tried

to do, and I am not perfect at

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it, is not using my phone right

when I wake up in the morning.

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Instead of having it on my nightstand,

I have it in another room now.

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So I can get up, I can say my

prayers, I can have some quiet

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time before I look at my phone.

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Because I have found once I look

at my phone, sometimes my mind just

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is off and running in other places.

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And so giving myself that quiet time

to read, to study, to pray, to be

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still, is a real gift to myself that

will help me throughout the day.

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And allowing myself to be still and

appreciate the blessings that I have from

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the get-go has been a huge blessing to me

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Another thing that I've done that has

helped because my phone's not in my

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room, I can get in bed at night and read.

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And that has also been a great blessing

to me to just settle my mind, read

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something interesting, fill my heart

with something good and fulfilling

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and constructive, and then I can feel

myself getting tired and I can just

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turn my light off and go right to sleep.

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And that has helped me so much more

than being on my computer right until

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I go to bed or looking at stuff on

my phone right until I go to bed.

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I feel like my body starts to quiet and

be still, and then I can fall asleep

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Another way that I feel God's

hand in my life is when I make

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efforts to be close to my husband.

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That can include a lot of things,

eating meals together, talking together,

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walking together, playing games together.

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Sometimes he comes and plays

pickleball with our group,

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and that has been really fun.

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also, like, trying to be more romantic,

looking in his eyes when he's talking

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to me, holding onto him or touching

him in some way when, when we're

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having an interaction can make me

feel closer to him, and those are

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some things that I think are really

important in that relationship.

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If I'm constantly doing my own

thing, which I do a lot, and don't

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incorporate working on my relationship

with him, sometimes I can feel

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really disconnected from him,

and I don't think it's his fault.

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I think it's mine.

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And if people say to me, "Well, he's not

very romantic," well, if you want a more

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romantic relationship, be more romantic.

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Start writing him notes.

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Plan a date

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Institute the six-second kiss, which

was an idea by John Gottman, who has

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done all kinds of marriage research.

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And he says, "You can't just

fake a kiss for six seconds.

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It's longer than that."

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It takes more intention

to have a six-second kiss.

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So choosing to have more

of a relationship is on me.

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It's not on anybody else.

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So if I want a relationship with

someone and I want it to be better, I

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decide what I wanna do and work at it.

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I decide to ask my friend

to be a walking partner.

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I decide to interact with my

husband in more meaningful ways

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that feel connecting to me.

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I decide to learn how to play

pickleball, and I work at it.

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Some people are getting

really good at Mahjong.

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I am not one of them, but if it's

something that you're interested

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in, I get to decide to do that.

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And for me, learning new things,

enjoying new people, being

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in different e- environments

helps me feel the hand of God.

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It helps me feel more alive.

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Another thing that I love is to notice my

physical body and all that she's doing.

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She can walk and talk and chop and

stir and exercise and heal, right?

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Even when she can't do the

things that she normally does.

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I've been amazed at my body's ability to

heal from shoulder surgery and back issues

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and sore muscles and all the things that

come into play as you used your body.

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As I've tried to do yoga and I'm learning

about stretching and all of those things

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that that entails, I'm just so grateful

for this amazing body that I have So my

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message to you today is I think life is

sweet, and I think that God has blessed us

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with so many blessings that we sometimes

overlook I also want you to know that

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I've had some challenging times this week.

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I cried about something that

was really disappointing to me.

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I prayed and poured myself out

to God about this disappointment,

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and I asked for strength.

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I cried more than once, actually.

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I cried another time about something

that's confusing and hard for me.

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I had negative emotions.

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I felt uncertain and foolish and judged.

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So amidst the joys and the good

things that were happening, I also

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had negative emotions as well.

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But I think that the more we choose

to appreciate the things that are

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good and the things that are going

well, that aren't big, a ride

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in the car, a walk to the park,

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Those are the things that

can help us feel God's love.

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So it's a simple message, but I hope that

you'll look at the things that are going

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on in your daily life and see, how do I

extract joy from these simple activities?

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What can I notice?

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Where can I notice the hand of God?

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Where can I see what

He's trying to tell me?

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When I look out of my office window, I

have a big tree in my backyard, and it's

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really windy in South Jordan, so a lot

of times it's just blowing and blowing.

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And there are all these beautiful

little leaves and these great big

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tree limbs, and it just seems like

nature is a way that God is constantly

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telling us, "I am right here."

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And I know that we have

challenging problems and things

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that feel hard to solve, but

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I believe that as I notice God's hand in

my life, I am less afraid and I am more

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able to trust that things will work out

and that things are good and life is good.

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So I hope you'll think about some of

those things today and recognize where

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are some of the little things happening

where you're like, "Huh" I think that my

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heavenly parents are noticing me today.

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All right, have a good day.

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We'll see you next time