You've had a good week. Sleep's sorted, workouts are happening, dinner's planned. Then Thursday rolls round and you blow the whole thing up for no reason you can actually point to.

This week I'm unpacking why self-sabotage doesn't show up when things are falling apart but actually when they're finally going right. Turns out your brain isn't broken...

In this episode:

• Why "unfamiliar" gets read by your brain as "unsafe" — even when unfamiliar is calm, in control, and exactly what you say you want
• Why this hits harder if you're high-functioning and used to holding it all together
• The 3-step process I use with clients to break the pattern: notice the reaction, reconnect with the emotion underneath, become the observer
• The one question to ask yourself next time you feel the sabotage coming: what am I actually trying to protect myself from right now?

A few spaces are open this autumn for The Body You'll Love Living In — 1:1 coaching if you're ready to actually rewire this pattern rather than just understand it.

Grab the details here.

Welcome to the Busy Woman's Guide to Wellbeing.

I'm your host, Alex, and I am here for every single one of you who is nailing so much in your life right now and is so busy looking after everybody else's well being while your own, well, it often ends up being put on the back burner.

Here's where we fix that.

Today we're talking all about self sabotage, why it happens, and how to stop it.

Let's get into it.

Well, first of all, today.

Welcome back.

As you might know, I have recently taken a little mini break from the podcast, has to focus on a few other things in my business and it has been great to have that space, but I'm gonna be honest, I have missed it.

And I just feel like for me, in an age of social media where you have to get the headline just right if you want people to pay attention and it that is something that I'm honestly not very good at.

And then you have to get your message across in a few lines.

I think I'm just built a little bit better for this medium because I get to expand on things a little bit more and I feel like I get to connect with people a little bit more.

I know I can't see you and I know I'm not actually with you when you're listening, but it does feel like I'm connecting a little bit more and I do definitely, definitely prefer that.

So I am back and I'm going to be attempting to get an episode out every single week.

But fair warning, I have also decided to go a little bit easier on myself.

I have definitely been on a bit of a journey, bit of a process the last few years of figuring a lot of stuff out, of going a bit easier on myself, of letting things go, of kind of doing the things that bring me joy in a way that brings me joy as well.

And I think that this is just another part of it is another part of stop putting pressure on yourself every single week to get that podcast episode out and just do the best that you can.

Okay?

Don't overload yourself if you don't need to.

So that's really the angle that I'm coming from.

And certainly I've had feedback from a few of you.

Like when I said that I was gonna take a break, I had quite a few people who reached, reached out and said, oh, you know, I totally get it, I'm gonna miss the podcast, but I really get it.

And I know that you've been looking forward to me coming back anyway, because it used to be like a part of your week.

You'd have that little slot where you're like, oh, yeah, I always listen to Alex at this time.

So anyway, I am back.

I will have a go at getting an episode out every week, but if I don't, if I miss the odd week, then it's not because I've gone away again.

It's just because I'm looking after myself.

Okay, anyway, that's out the way.

Let's get on with what we're here to talk about today, which is self sabotage.

And I ran a little poll in my Instagram stories asking what is the first subject that you would like to see?

What's the first thing you'd like me to cover?

Self sabotage came out top because we're all pretty good at it, aren't we?

And we all want to know, how do I stop doing this?

And the irony is that it's often something that shows up for us when we actually feel like we're doing quite well.

We can have had a good week, we feel under control, we've maybe got a few good nights, sleep in the bag, we've done a few workouts, we've done what we said we were going to do, and then all of a sudden out of nowhere, self sabotage strikes and you've had a weekend binge or you've talked yourself out of the next couple of workouts and you feel like you're back at square one again.

And that's what makes self sabotage so frustrating, because it for apparently no reason.

And at least when other stuff comes up and you miss a workout, you know, you're busy at work or you know, you've got stuff going on at home and things, you, at least in those times, at those times look at that and think, well, okay, that makes sense, I understand why that happened.

But often when you self sabotage, you can't make sense of it.

It doesn't make sense in your own brain, you're thinking, I don't understand why I've done this to myself.

Everything was going really, really well.

So anyway, it could be a confusing situation to be in.

And that also makes it very hard to come up with a solution.

Because if you don't know why it's happened in the first place, if you can't ident the root of this self sabotage, then how the hell are you going to fix it?

How are you going to change it next time?

How are you going to make sure that that thing doesn't happen so that the next time that urge to sabotage yourself comes up, you've got a solution, that's what we want to get to today.

And I think the first thing that we need to be talking about is why self sabotage happens in those moments where things feel like they're going well, because if we don't understand that, it's going to be very hard to change it.

And basically it's about fear of the unknown and it's about habit, because the brain doesn't like unfamiliar, because unfamiliar is read by your brain as risk.

So even in a situation where it's feeling good, where you're thinking, yeah, this is working, I've finally started to string a few good weeks together.

I'm finally starting to feel like I'm more in control.

Your brain goes, hang on a minute, she's not normally in control.

And so what we do is we sort of send ourselves back into that more familiar feeling of chaos, rather than us sitting in that more unfamiliar place of calm and being in control.

So even when calm is what you actually want, even when calm is something that actively is feeling good in your system in that moment in time, there's something going on underneath that's saying, oh, hang on a minute, this is not familiar to me.

She's done three workouts a week for four weeks.

That is not familiar.

I'm not sure I like this.

And so our brain then starts working against us, and we don't even know it's doing it.

But what it's doing is it's bringing in these protective scenarios, these protective actions, the kind of things that make your body feel safe again.

And safety feels like that we can binge.

Safety feels like skipping a workout.

Safety feels like coming up with an excuse so you don't have to do the thing that you said you were gonna do, even though intellectually you want to do.

And that's kind of the whole point.

That is why self sabotage is so confusing.

Because on an intellectual level, we understand this is good, I'm doing something good, I'm making progress.

But your brain is running through these well worn pathways, these well worn patterns, and it's not asking what's best for me, it's asking what feels safe, what feels safe.

So that is definitely a big part of it and a big part of the reason why we sort of ricochet backwards back into old patterns, even though they're not the ones that we want anymore.

And of course, there's an element of habit to this as well, because if this is something that happens literally every time things start going well, then we tap into that pathway in the brain that we've set up over time that says, well, now you're here, what's next?

The answer is we sabotage ourselves.

So the sabotage is not a failure.

The sabotage is just our system pulling us back into known territory.

And I think that that is really key to this because when this is happening to us, it means that there is something in our body which feels uncomfortable, which feels uncomfortable with that situation.

Even if it's the situation that we actively want for ourselves, even if it's a situation that's good, even if it's a sit that is moving us closer to our long term goals.

Generally our brain doesn't care that much about our long term goals.

And by the way, this is particularly true if you live in a place of maybe slight dysregulation in your nervous system.

If you are somebody that tends to function on a high level every single day, you may feel okay in that, but actually what's going on is you're kind of the proverbial swan, aren't you?

You're floating over the top of everything.

You look great, everything looks like it's going OK, but underneath those legs are like going 13 to the dozen to try and keep you floating over the top to try and keep you in the place that you need to stay in.

And so if you have got a lot going on in your life, if you are in that place of you're very high functioning, you expect a lot of yourself, you push yourself quite hard with things, you actively run away from failure, all of those kind of things, then that's adding another layer in there of brain going what feels safe, what can I take her back to that feels more familiar to me than this?

So it's that fear of the unknown and it's that habit that is leading you to sabotage yourself when things are going well.

So that's great because that means that we can start using it as part of the solution once you start understanding yourself better.

And you know, when I work with my clients, it's always step number one, we need you to understand yourself better first.

Because the thing about a lot of the things that we do, particularly the things that we do that feel like they don't make sense, it happens.

Not because we're not able to use enough willpower or because we're not disciplined enough or any of that, it's because our brain is working the way it's supposed to underneath everything.

Our brain is looking out for threat, it's looking out for what's different Here it's looking out for how can I stay safe?

And it does that, like I say even more, when we are people who are kind of on it all the time, we are doing all the things, we're managing everything.

That's where our system is going to stay.

But like I say, that's really good because once you start to understand that about yourself, then you can start to do something about it.

And as a kind of aside, there, I will often work with women who will say to me, yeah, but I'm managing everything really well.

It's not a problem.

I'm keeping it all together, I'm doing it all.

But for me, it's not just about, are you keeping it together and doing it all and assuming that you are okay or actually, is there other stuff going on underneath that is that voice that's pushing you all the time, that voice that's saying, do more, do more, do more.

Because if there is, then it doesn't matter if day to day you're feeling like, well, yeah, I'm sort of managing it okay.

If there is that stuff underneath that is pushing you to stay in that, that place that feels dangerous, if you step out of that place, then that also is going to be a source of stress.

Not one that you can necessarily feel every single day, but it is, it's sitting underneath there.

So just be.

Just recognize that as well, that sometimes, and in fact oftentimes, the women who are doing all of that are often not addressing some of the stuff that is driving them back into these old patterns, particularly when it comes to their body.

Because I think a lot of stuff in our lives, we can push our way through and we can use reason and we can, you know, access our reasoning brain as we're doing them.

But often when it comes to our body, that's the area where we sort of see it fall down a little bit.

We see things happening that we don't want to happen, but that when we look at, okay, this is why this is happening, it almost becomes inevitable that this keeps happening to you.

So anyway, moving on, what is the solution to this?

How are we actually going to start changing this?

How are we going to start telling our brain, it's okay, we're okay here.

This is something I want.

This is something that's good.

Yes.

It might feel unfamiliar, but we're okay in it and we want to keep going in it.

Well, I think the first thing is, like I say, recognizing what's your brain actually doing.

It's highlighting an unfamiliar scenario.

And that's all it is.

So instead of beating yourself up about it when you are actively sabotaging or when you feel like you want to sabotage, just bring a bit of understanding to the situation.

Just be able to say to yourself, hey, my brain is doing this because of this.

And it's about bringing things to the light.

And I think that's often the issue.

If we don't bring it to the light, we can't do anything with it.

We can't understand it.

So bring that into the light so that instead of, oh, my God, I'm so crap.

What is wrong with me?

Why do I always do this to myself?

Why do I have no discipline?

We're going, oh, hang on a minute.

I'm just in an unfamiliar scenario.

Try and get my words out there.

That's all that's happening.

That's okay.

The second thing we need to do, reconnect with the emotion that's going on underneath.

Okay?

We don't sabotage just because we do it because a situation makes us feel something.

So being in control is like, Christ, what's happening here?

Fear of the unknown.

We may not recognize it as fear, by the way, but that's what's going on when we're in that unfamiliar situation.

Or there could be an element of a lack of self worth.

You know, that.

That feeling of, well, who am I to achieve the things that I want to?

And don't underestimate that because I work with an awful lot of women who they do very well in their lives.

They've got good jobs, they've had promotions at work, they've got a family that, you know, they're doing lots of things.

But a lot of what is driving many of us is, is a lack of self worth, is us thinking, well, I don't deserve those things.

I haven't worked hard enough for those things yet.

Who am I to have that?

Who am I to have the body that I want to have?

And so that can be going on underneath.

You may be feeling anxious because you don't know what comes next.

Oh, okay, I've got this far.

Now what happens?

And we don't know what happens next.

And so whenever we are sabotaging, there is an emotion connected to it.

It is making us feel something.

And that something we're feeling is often negative.

Fear of the unknown, lack of self worth, feeling anxious.

And so what we want to do is we want to stop feeling the emotion.

I need to stop this.

But as soon as you try and stop something, you are going to use a crutch.

To lean on.

And that crutch is going to be, I'm just going to not work out this week.

That crutch is going to be, I'm going to dive into the biscuits when I get home tonight.

That crutch is going to be, it's Friday.

I need to have half a bottle of wine to just settle myself in the week.

Because we're trying to stop ourselves from feeling an emotion.

But if you want to change this self sabotage pattern, as I say to all of my clients, make friends with that emotion, it's not there just because it's there to help you.

That fear is there to help you.

That lack of self worth that you're feeling is there to help you.

The anxiety you're feeling is there to help you.

It is not a situation of I must get rid of that feeling because that is going to just push you into that self sabotage again.

It is.

Right, what's going on here?

It's an unfamiliar scenario.

Right, okay.

And how's that making me feel?

Oh, it's making me connect with this lack of self worth that I have.

Oh, okay, let's sit with that, let's be with that, let's understand that.

Don't judge it.

It's not there to be judged, but it's there to be seen.

And then you can become the observer.

So rather than living in it, rather than living in I am not worthy of this, rather than letting ourselves be defined by that, we just want to take a little step outside it.

Just for a moment, create that space for awareness and tell yourself, it's just a pattern I've created and I get to change that, rather than I'm just rubbish, I will self sabotage myself.

What's wrong with me?

Let's try not to get into that negative space.

There may be a little bit of that, but if you can reconnect with that emotion and you can observe that emotion, why is this situation making you feel like that?

So becoming the observer and this is so, so, so important because we, we get to choose.

Do I let myself get pulled into this kind of raging river of emotion?

Do I let myself get carried away by it and consumed by it?

Or can I stand on the edge?

Can I watch it happening?

Can I understand that it's happening?

Can I see it happening?

But can I just remove myself one step from it for a moment and see what's actually going on?

What is my brain doing right now?

Why is my brain doing that?

What is the emotion that is sitting underneath this?

So once we start to do that, we can start to create a different outcome, we can start to move in a different direction.

And what it really comes down to is asking yourself one simple question.

In those moments, those moments where self sabotage feels like it's kind of the inevitable next step is asking yourself, what is it that I'm actually trying to protect myself from right now?

Just answering that simple question, what am I trying to protect myself from right now?

And keep it simple.

When you ask that question, don't let yourself be dragged in by it or start letting it mean something about you.

Just be able to look at it from the outside and in the moment, you may not be able to do that, but it may be a day later, two days later, that you look at it and you go, hang on a minute, what was actually going on right now?

Because then you can keep that in mind the next time you feel that moment of self sabotage coming around the corner and you can feel like you're okay, I'm being dragged towards this.

I wonder what's really going on.

I wonder what the emotion is.

Let me connect with that emotion, let me observe that emotion.

Let me see if I can see what it's trying to tell me.

And once you start to understand all of that, it just opens up the path for different responses to that situation, different ways of dealing with that situation.

Because right now what's happening is you are getting into this very narrow pathway that has been created over the years.

And so you can only see one direction, you can only see one solution, which is self sabotage.

As soon as you can look at it from the outside, it opens up more possibilities.

It opens up different solutions, different possibilities, different ways of dealing with that situation.

So then you can actually start to deal with.

Right, okay, now I understand why the self sabotage is happening.

These are my options for dealing with it.

Okay?

So if you'd like a bit more support with that, if you do want to get yourself into a better place with your choices around food, with movement, with wellbeing, I do have a few spaces to work with me one to one this autumn inside the body you'll love living in.

If you just head to lifeeditcoaching.com you can find out more and I'll pop the link in the show notes as well.

But for now, that's where I'm going to love you and leave you.

If you have enjoyed this episode, share it with a friend who needs it.

And of course, make sure you're following me over on Instagram @lifeeditwithalex and I will see you back here again next time.