You already know exactly what you “should” be doing. You’ve read the books, listened to the podcasts, written the plans, and promised yourself this time will be different… and yet you still find yourself struggling with making habits stick, falling into all-or-nothing patterns, and wondering why procrastination and emotional eating keep creeping in.

The worst thing? It feels like if it’s not a knowledge problem, it must be a YOU problem. But in this episode, I’m breaking down why that simply isn’t true, and what’s really going on beneath the “failed” behaviour change.

We’ll dig into why the “bad habits” you’re desperate to get rid of are often just your system trying to keep you regulated. And how shame and self-blame shut down the curiosity you need for real habit change.

If you’re tired of thinking, “I know what to do, why am I not doing it?”, this conversation will help you build self awareness, shift your mindset, and finally start changing the behaviours that are holding you back—so your new habits can actually stick.

Key takeaways:

• Why striving for more motivation isn’t helping you right now.
• How procrastination, emotional eating, and skipping workouts often function as coping mechanisms, not character flaws.
• The role of dopamine in keeping you stuck in familiar habit loops.
• How to use curiosity (not control) to understand what your habits are really doing for you.
• A simple way to create space between trigger and response so you can choose new, more supportive behaviours.

RESOURCES:

Work with me: www.lifeeditcoaching.com

Instagram: @lifeeditwithalix 

Truth is, you already know exactly what you should be doing.

And that's why it makes it even more frustrating that you can't seem to make those new habits and behaviors that you know are going to enhance your life actually stick.

So what do you do when you've got the info, you've listened to the podcasts, you've read the books, you've committed to the plans, and yet you still don't seem to be able to follow through the way you think you should.

In today's episode, we're going to tackle exactly why this happens and why the solution probably is not what you think it is.

Welcome to the Busy Woman's Guide to well Being, the podcast women who are done with the hustle and are ready to feel at home in their own skin.

I'm your host, Alex Life, therapeutic and fitness coach for busy women who want to do less, live more, and feel good from the inside out.

Every week I'm going to help you to cut through the noise, challenge the shoulds, and find new ways to live and move that actually feel like you.

Hello.

Hello.

And a big welcome back to the Busy Woman's Guide to Wellbeing.

This week and today, we're talking about something that is super common but also super frustrating that I see from a lot of the women that I work with.

And this is the pattern where you know exactly what to do.

In fact, you probably know more than you need to.

And yet, in spite of all of your best intentions, you can't seem to make that behavior or that change stick for long enough to actually see the results.

And this can be a really tough space to be in because it's a space where a lot of self blame can start to happen.

Because if it was a matter of knowledge and a lack of knowledge, if you didn't have that understanding of what needed doing in the first place, then at least you would feel like it was a simple solution.

I go and I find the information or I go and work with somebody who can give me that information.

But this particular dilemma is not as simple as that, because we get stuck in this belief that there must be something wrong with me, that if I wanted this badly enough, I would just get on and I would flipping well do it.

So we start to frame this issue as a motivation problem or a discipline problem.

And when that happens, we start to create a sense of shame within ourselves.

That feeling of shame shuts down our curiosity about the situation.

And then without that curiosity, nothing changes.

And so the spiral, it just continues and continues and continues so what I'd love to do today is to help you to understand what's really going on because I, I can tell you right now that what you have is not a motivation problem.

It's about something that is definitely a little bit deeper than that.

Now this does not necessarily mean it's hard to solve.

It just means that you need to dump the self blame that needs to go.

That has got no place in this conversation.

Instead we want to be open to the idea that the problem is not what we think it is.

Because once you do that, once you open yourself up to that, you can get curious, you can start to increase those levels of self awareness and we can use that to really change our approach and to change how we fundamentally think about that behavior change.

Because I think that's the thing.

Knowing the facts is one thing, knowing ourselves is quite another.

And the irony of situations like this is we often know the facts.

We know all the facts, we know many, many, many, many facts.

We know exactly what's best for us.

We know what we should be doing, we know how we should be doing it.

We know all of those things.

What we don't have is that deeper level of knowledge of understanding of ourselves.

We don't have that deeper level of self awareness.

And that's where the disconnect lies, is that we have the knowledge of the thing that needs to be done.

We don't have the knowledge of ourselves to be able to actually do it.

And so we're really going to talk today about how do we increase this level of self awareness, how do we increase it to a point where we can actually use it to take these things that we know and, and to implement them to make them actually stick.

So when it becomes to, or when it comes to, should I say behaviour change, the things that most of us are trying to fix are things like procrastination, things like emotional eating, things like scrolling on our phone for hours instead of going and doing that workout.

It's avoiding workouts altogether because it feels hard, it's starting strong and then stopping partway along the journey.

But the thing about these behaviors is they are not just random bad habits.

They are not a personal failing of yours.

They are coping mechanisms.

So in other words, at some point in your life, these things, the procrastination, the emotional eating, the avoiding of the workouts, all of those kind of things, they have helped you to do something for yourself, they have helped you to regulate stress, they have helped you to numb, overwhelm and overthinking.

They have helped you to feel in control, to feel soothed, to feel safe.

So what's really happening when you keep repeating these habits is your system is just working like it's meant to.

It has discovered somewhere along the way that the way to soothe you, the way to keep you safe, is in repeating those patterns.

And so those patterns become ingrained in your routine.

They become ingrained in who you are.

And so you start to identify, and as a procrastinator, you start to identify as somebody who just eats emotionally and can't help themselves.

You start to identify somebody as somebody who's rubbish at doing workouts and who's got no staying power.

And it's all because those actions or sometimes that inaction has helped you at some point in the past.

It's become a mechanism to cope with something else that's going on, to cope with a feeling that you're having, to cope with a situation that's going on in your life.

So, I mean, in a way, the good news is your system is working exactly like it should.

But of course, it's not helping you.

Right now.

You're feeling frustrated because you feel like you cannot shake this behavior or you cannot get into a place where you can create this better behavior, this more helpful behavior.

So we really need to look at why are we using these things as coping mechanisms?

What are they helping you to cope with at the moment, and what can we start to use instead?

That is going to, number one, help us to cope with that situation in a better way.

But number two, to actually reach our goals, to actually start doing the things that we keep saying that we're going to do, to stop sabotaging ourselves, essentially, because that's really what's happening.

We're sabotaging ourselves.

And we think it's a personal failing, but it is not.

And what's really happening is that even though we know the emotional eating is not what we want to be doing anymore, even when it's disrupting another important goal that you have for yourself, there is something in your system that is telling you that that emotional eating is the thing that you need, is the thing that is going to protect you, is the thing that is going to make you safe, is the thing that is going to make you feel better.

And the reason that that happens is because the brain's number one priority is safety.

Our brain's priority is not happiness.

Our brain's priority is not progress.

Our brain's priority is certainly not whether or not you drop a dress size by the summer.

Your brain could not care less.

What your brain wants to do is keep you safe and keep you feeling good in a situation that we perceive to be stressful or threatening.

So the brain is prioritizing familiar behaviors because it shuts down to other possibilities.

And so when a little bit of stress happens in our lives or when stuff starts going on, our brain is just going, I know how to deal with this.

And what I do is I overeat.

What I do is I reach for the chocolate.

What I do is I ignore the workout or I avoid the workout and I sit on the sofa instead.

And so what's happening is we are coping with certain things in our lives by prioritizing familiar behaviors.

And because those behaviors have been built up over years and years and years and years and years, it becomes incredibly difficult sometimes to say goodbye to them and to stop using those.

And then we add to that as well, that often these behaviors are things that are going to release feel good hormones in the moment that feel good, hormone dopamine particularly, which makes you feel calm, which makes you feel better momentarily.

That only reinforces prioritizing what's safe rather than what's best for you.

So sitting on the sofa becomes your default.

Sitting on the sofa in the moment gives you that little hit of dopamine because you've made that decision.

You've decided that you're not going to do the workout, you're going to sit on the sofa instead and your body just goes, okay, now I feel calm.

Even though in half an hour's time you're going to be going, oh my gosh, I really should have done that workout.

So we can care all we like, or we can care as much as we think we possibly can about our long term goals.

But ultimately our more primal urges are going to dictate things when we're stuck in those habit loops, when we're used to responding in a certain way to a certain cue, and that's all it is.

Something happens.

We respond in that pre programmed way with that familiar behavior.

And the more that we do that, the more we reinforce that loop in our own brain that says when this happens, we do this.

And so we end up in this position where we are wondering, why the hell, even though I've got these big long term goals for myself, can I not seem to get out of these habits or can I not seem to get into these new habits?

And it's simply because of that.

And what I really want you to know from this as well is that when it happens, it does not signify Some personal flaw of yours.

Your system is working like it should.

Prioritizing a behaviour that keeps you regulated today over the one that promises the results in the future.

And the thing is, that's why the strategies you might be using now are not working for you.

So, for example, what you might do when you've had that moment when you've overeaten or when you've skipped the gym for a few days or whatever it is, you recommit, don't you?

You say, right, that's it, enough is enough, I'm going to take myself in hand, I'm recommitting to this, I'm going to try harder, I'm going to work harder, going to be more committed than ever.

You start doing things like tightening the rules up and we're just adding pressure, we're just adding that pressure of thinking that if I can just be more disciplined, I'm finally going to make more progress.

But unfortunately all that does is it increases resistance, it increases avoidance of the things that you actually need to be addressing.

And that's going to then erode that self trust even further and just keep you stuck in that loop.

But the good news is, of course, that you do have the power to turn this around.

Because I wouldn't do that to you, would I?

I wouldn't start an episode and tell you this is what's going on and then not give you the tools to maybe turn this around.

So what we really need to be doing is we need to be creating the mental space.

And this is something that I talk to my clients about a lot.

Because like I say, what is happening is we are having a cue in our environment.

That cue is a difficult day at work.

That cue is feeling a bit tired.

That cue is I pick up my phone and I automatically go and have some chocolate.

That's a bad example.

But you get, you get what I'm saying, right?

There's a cue and there's a response.

And often in our lives there is no space between those two things.

There's no space between the stimulus and the thing that we do as a result of that.

And so what we really need to be doing is we need to be creating the mental space to start choosing different actions.

Because if you're in that loop at the moment, it just means that you're reacting to a stimulus, you're not thinking about it.

It's a knee jerk response, a knee jerk reaction that has just become totally familiar to you.

And so we need to create a small space where we allow our Brain to actually engage a bit of reason rather than reaction, where we are a bit more regulated.

We actually talked a little bit about this last week when we were talking about diets and weight loss.

The idea that we need to regulate our system and what we really look to do is we create space in that situation, space to open up this sense of better, deeper self awareness.

Because that self awareness is what actually helps us to change.

And like I said earlier, the problem right now is that we are blaming our lack of discipline or whatever it is, and we're ignoring the thing that actually needs to be looked at.

We have the knowledge of the things external to us, we do not have the knowledge of ourselves.

But how, you ask, do we do that?

Well, what we do, we start by noticing you go and you reach into the cupboard for that bar of chocolate, for example.

Or you're thinking to yourself, I'm going to skip the workout today, I'm too tired, I've got too much to do.

And you just start by noticing what's leading up to that.

What are the circumstances around that?

What are you actually feeling in that moment?

And it's opening up this little sense of curiosity.

And I think what I would say is at that stage, do not be tempted to use this as a way to control yourself and as a way to stop yourself.

This bit, this noticing part is simply about increasing your awareness of what is going on in those moments.

And honestly, I beg you, I beg you, I beg you, do not make this exercise about trying to control yourself.

Do not start thinking, well, I've noticed three times now my behaviour still hasn't changed.

And don't start thinking that, oh well, okay, so I've done that.

Now what action do I take?

What do I do?

Because this is why we get stuck, because we think that everything requires an action or a strategy.

This is noticing the circumstances that surround that decision, the feelings that are happening, the circumstances that are leading up to that and just being really curious about that situation.

Once you start to have that awareness, you can start to ask yourself, how is this helping me to cope with something right now?

What is this giving me?

What am I trying to avoid?

What am I trying to soothe?

What's the short term benefit to me right now?

And again, really try and stay in this space of curiosity in that moment.

This is about looking at the bigger picture.

This is not about going, well, I reach for the chocolate because I've got no self control, I can't help it when it's in the house.

Stop saying that to yourself.

It's got nothing to do with that.

It's got everything to do with.

This is giving you something, this is helping you with something, this is a coping mechanism.

This is you trying to avoid something, this is you trying to make yourself feel better.

What is it you're trying to make yourself feel better about?

Why are you trying to make yourself feel better about that?

Why are you trying to avoid feeling something?

And I think actually often that's the key for me.

We're trying to avoid, we're trying to avoid a bad feeling.

We believe that we shouldn't have bad feelings, but that's not true.

Bad feelings are a part of life.

Bad feelings are completely normal.

It's how you deal with them that is really telling.

And so it's not trying to just suddenly override it and say, well, I'm not going to do that anymore.

It's actually holding enough compassion with yourself to say, I wonder why.

I wonder what it is that I'm trying to make better.

I wonder what the short term benefit of this might be to me at the moment.

Because what this does, what this noticing does, what these questions do is they increase your self awareness, they increase your knowledge of you, your understanding of you, your understanding of your coping mechanisms, your understanding of why you do the things you do, why you make the decisions that you do.

Because when you do that, you often realize that they are not happening for the reasons that you think they are.

They're not happening because you're a terrible person.

They're not happening because you have no willpower.

They're happening because you don't want to feel shit about something.

They're happening because you don't like sitting in that feeling.

And so you will do everything in your power to avoid it.

And so you skip the workout, you grab the chocolate, you do the thing that is not serving the long term, but is serving the short term.

And then you can think about from there instead of simply trying to control your way out of that behavior or remove that behaviour.

What do I need here instead?

What is it I'm trying to avoid?

What is it that I am ignoring at the moment that I need, that I am not giving myself?

And that's the truth of the matter.

There is something that you are not giving yourself right now.

There is a need in your life, in yourself, that is not being met.

So let's take an example just to hopefully give you a bit more clarity here.

So you find yourself in that situation where you are reaching for the sweet treats in the evening, you're not hungry, you know, you don't really need it.

It's not helping you to feel particularly great about yourself because you regret it ten minutes later.

But you cannot seem to stop yourself.

You start to notice that you always do it on days where you're feeling a bit anxious after work.

So you've got a demanding client right now, for example, they're asking for everything to be done in a very particular way.

It's keeping you on edge, not just at work, but when you get home too.

And so you're taking that feeling into the evening with you.

The only way that you know how to soothe that, to get rid of that, is distracting yourself with food.

So you reach into the cupboard, you eat it mindlessly in front of the TV, and then 10, 15 minutes later you are regretting it.

You're wondering, why the hell did I do that?

Maybe feel fine in the moment, but not now.

And so you start to recognise that the reason that you're being tipped into that is because you're carrying that anxiety from work and you don't want to feel that anxiety.

So you are trying to soothe yourself.

Maybe you even start to be grateful to that behaviour.

You start to say, oh, thank you to that behaviour, because you have helped me to cope in a stressful situation.

And then you can start to look at, how can I leave some of that stress behind at work?

So maybe there's a ritual or an action that you start to add as soon as you get home from work.

Maybe you look at your beliefs around letting other people down.

Maybe you even just let yourself just feel frustrated and anxious about that situation for a while.

You have a moan about it, you let it all out, rather than just sitting and silently stewing on it.

Different people are going to have different coping mechanisms.

Now.

I remember I used to have a client who would meditate at the end of the workday.

So she'd always do just a quick five minute meditation at the end of the workday.

And she was like, what it does is it creates this buffer between work and home.

So she actually worked from home quite a lot as well.

So it created this, yeah, like this ritual, this switch that said, right, work is done and it's left behind, and now I'm moving into the evening.

And it didn't mean that all of that was gone, that there was no stress, there was no anxiety there.

But what it did is it created that sense of removing herself somewhat from the stresses of the day.

For example, you know, I've worked with other people who are like, I Always have a shower when I get home from work.

It's like literally like washing the day off or whatever.

Other people who might journal on a couple of things that have gone well that day, for example.

So is there a ritual or an action that you can take?

Is there something around your beliefs that you need to look at?

Because, you know, quite often when we are working with somebody like that, we have somebody who's very demanding and is asking a lot of us and is asking for things to be done very perfectly, can sometimes help to switch it around and say, hey, do you know what?

That's not actually about me.

That's about them.

That's about their own insecurities.

It's not about me, but I'm making it about me.

I'm making this like almost an impossible task.

I'm trying to please them all the time.

So much so that it's just making me feel anxious about it.

Truth is, they're the kind of person that's never going to be happy whatever I do.

So all I can do is do my best.

So it's maybe working on something like that.

And then what you eventually start to notice is that urge to eat the sweet treats is starting to reduce because you've started to change your coping mechanism.

You've created a different coping mechanism that is helping you to deal with that situation.

And this is why more discipline, more knowledge, a better plan are not going to move the needle for you in this situation.

Because all that that happens is piles on the shame and it eventually just reinforces the behaviour you're trying to change, because it still is the only coping mechanism that you have.

So have a think about how you can create that deeper level of understanding with yourself.

Be prepared to look at those behaviors, hold compassion for them.

Like I said, you might even get to a point where you can say, look, I'm really grateful for this behavior.

It's really helped me to cope in these situations before, but I don't need it anymore.

I'm moving on.

I choose something different.

I choose a different behavior.

So, yeah, holding compassion for that, rather than trying to shame yourself for using that.

And then you can use all of that to create that space to create an internal environment that just has better systems to support you with those things.

So that instead of it being a matter of I know all of the things, but I'm not doing them, it becomes, I know all of the things.

And now I'm able to start implementing some of them, I'm able to start getting rid of some of these habits that are not serving me right now and I'm able to start replacing them with things that are going to actually help me.

So if you have ever wondered why those changes just feel really hard, even though you know all of the things, even though you know what you should be doing, just remember there's nothing wrong with you.

You've just been trying to change that behaviour without being fully tuned in to the system that it's happening within.

And that absolutely is something that you can work with.

So like I say, this is about matching up the knowledge you have and what you should be doing with knowledge of yourself.

Because honestly, that's what so many of us are missing out and we do not have that self knowledge.

We're not looking inside.

Start to look inside and you can start to recognise how you can change that behaviour for the better.

So I think with all of that said, I'm gonna love you and leave you and I'll see you back here again next time.

Thank you as always for joining me.

If this episode has hit home, share it with another woman who needs to hear it and come connect with me on Instagram @lifeeditwithalex for more real talk, mindset, shift and daily inspiration.