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Back To School Shit Show (Encore)
Episode 18614th August 2025 • Become A Calm Mama • Darlynn Childress
00:00:00 00:24:50

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This encore episode about the back to school shit show is one I come back to over and over again - because it’s something parents struggle with every. single. year.

The transition back to school from summer break is definitely a transition. Kids suddenly have to wake up early, get themselves ready and out the door (on time). And it’s a transition for you too as you settle everyone into a new routine. 

You’ll Learn:

  • 5 challenges that often arise as school starts - and how to handle them
  • Why you don’t need to start in with your school year routines just yet
  • Thoughts to help you (and your kids) through the back-to-school transition
  • What your #1 job is as a mom in these first weeks of the school year
  • An exercise to help you prepare your mindset

There are special challenges that come up, and I want you to be prepared for the shenanigans that might happen with your kids in the coming weeks. 

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In this fan-favorite episode, I’m talking about 5 things you need to know as school starts and how to create the right mindset going into the next couple of weeks so that you can be compassionate with your kids (and so you don't lose your mind).

I share these not because I want you to be filled with worry and dread, but because I want you to go into this school year feeling confident, ready and hopeful. And I want you to be able to feel calm when this stuff is happening. 

 

Why is Back To School Such a Shit Show?

For your kid, going back to school is kinda like going back to work. And it comes with a lot of thoughts, feelings, excitement, and nerves. This can show up in a lot of different ways. Here are 5 of the ones I see most in the families I work with.

  1. Your kid may not like their teacher. It doesn’t mean anything about your kid or what their year will be like. Quality relationships take time to build, and it’s ok if your kid doesn’t warm up to their teacher right away.
  2. Your kids are going to be exhausted the first week of school. Keep the afternoons open and be flexible. I love to stay away from screens for the first hour and use this time for connection, outdoor time, or just a rest.
  3. Sibling conflict might shoot through the roof during this back to school transition. Try to create special time with your kids by spending 10 minutes or so one-on-one with each kid doing whatever they’re doing.  
  4. Social stuff is going to come up. It happens at almost every age. Friendships shift over the summer, and navigating friendships might be hard for your kid. Give it some time and trust that your child is going to find their people, their friend group, and it's going to be okay. Be comfortable with your child's discomfort.
  5. Expect misbehavior to escalate over the next two weeks. Your child is going through a lot and using all their good coping strategies at school all day. When they come home, they can finally relax. And more big feelings cycles are likely to happen. 

Remember that your kid is using their behavior to communicate or cope with their big feelings. Take a moment to reset your own nervous system and get curious about what’s going on for them. If you can stay calm and practice compassion, your child will be able to move through these feelings more quickly. 

 

Your Back To School Mindset Shifts

Feeling calm and confident starts with your thoughts. Here are some of my favorites to use during the first couple weeks of school (as well as other transition periods).

  • This is a transition. You can also add… and transitions are temporary. 
  • It will take time to figure out our rhythm and routine. These first couple weeks are a time of curiosity and exploration. What feels difficult? Where’s the friction? What’s working well?
  • I have plenty of time. As you’re figuring out your routines, it might take longer to get out the door in the morning. Dropoff and pickup lines might be long and slow. Give yourself time and permission to figure it out.
  • I don’t have to be perfect today. If you’re stressed because you’re trying to reach an unreasonable “perfect mom” standard, you’ll put pressure on your kids and they will feel it - which leads to acting out and big feelings. 
  • My kids are 100% going to master the back to school routine. There’s no timeline here. It will take as long as it takes, but they will get there.

Take a few moments to write out a list of thoughts that you want to be thinking during the first week of school. Feel free to borrow mine or come up with your own. 

I also want to leave you with the idea that your job is to deliver the calmest, most emotionally regulated kid you can to school in the morning. I call this a gentle handoff. 

In order to do this, you need to be calm yourself and have realistic expectations for the morning. Your stress is contagious. But so is your positive thinking and calm. It’s okay if you’re a little bit late. It’s okay if someone forgets their lunchbox or has a meltdown before school.

You are the leader in your home, in both mindset and operations. Transitions are temporary, and your family WILL figure this out. 

Wishing you great back to school vibes, Mama!

 

Free Resources:

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✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here


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Transcripts

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Welcome back to Become a Calm Mama. I'm your host. I'm Darlin Childress.

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And on this episode, I am revisiting a

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podcast episode that I've actually published twice now,

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and it's called Back to School Shit show where I walk you through

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five tips to help you with the school

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transition. And I wanted to re release it because

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it's still really an issue for parents. Of course, right,

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because kids all of a sudden have to wake up early, they have to get

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their backpacks ready, they have to get to school. And it's not

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going to be just summer camp and fun or lay around and watch

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television or play on their iPad or go into the pool or

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to the lake. It is kind of like going back to work for them.

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And they're excited, they have big feelings, they're nervous.

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You know, they don't know who's going to be in their class yet. Maybe you

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guys did a little roundup, but still they're not quite sure what the vibe is

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going to be. And they might have a little bit of anxiety, a little bit

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of excitement, a little bit of dread. If you have older

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kids, middle schoolers, they're transitioning into where they're going

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to have different classes and different periods and different teachers, they

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might have PE for the first time. High schoolers, they

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are excited to see their friends again. And also they have a

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lot of social pressure to look a certain way and feel a certain way.

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So there's just a lot going on for children and for teens when they

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go back to school. And there's a lot for moms as

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well. So it's definitely a transition. And during

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transitions, really special challenges come up that I wanted to

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walk you through on this episode. The other thing I want to remind

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you, and I don't think I mentioned it in this episode, is

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that you can go slow. I was just coaching a

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mom this week and. And she was like, okay, school starts in three

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weeks and I really think we should start back in our morning routine.

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I was like, wait, what? No, don't pre

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routine your kids because it won't feel genuine and they're still

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gonna be in the school transition anyways. So I would just recommend

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you slowly get back into that school routine. Don't

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add chores yet. Don't add extra new stuff. I know,

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like, for me, when I start something new, I wanna, like, start

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off right and be really intentional. And I put a lot of pressure on

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myself and my kids to, you know, do it all, like

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100%. And I want to caution you that allow

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for the transition to take place over the course

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of the next two or three weeks. Like, it's okay

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if you're late a little bit. It's okay if someone forgets their

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lunchbox or, you know, they have a big meltdown before school

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because their socks are itchy. Just allow that

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process and don't make it mean anything about the whole school year

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or about your kids or yourself. Just allow the

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transition to take place. And if you're still having issues

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after two weeks, two and a half weeks, then maybe you want to reach

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out to me, get some help, Join the Calmomma Club. We can walk through your

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morning routines and give you some really good strategies.

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So this episode is going to be really helpful in walking you through five things

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to think about that will happen over the next couple of weeks.

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And I want to point out to you that I have a couple other episodes

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that might be really, really helpful. One is a back to school

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mindset episode just for you. And we'll link this in the

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show notes. And this is episode 80. And then I also

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have two different episodes about

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making mornings easier. One is episode 30,

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and then the other one is actually a whole entire

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roadmap for your mornings. And you can get that on my website

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or we'll link it into the show notes and I kind of walk you through

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kind of how to set up your morning routine, what needs to be done at

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what time, and all of that. So that's a really good resource for you.

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So I really, I'm wishing you all great back to

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school vibes. I was in my Pilates class this morning

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and the teacher was saying that at her kid's school on the first

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day of school, all the moms or whoever, they hook up

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and they meet up at a restaurant and they have big mimosas.

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And I think that's super fun and not

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necessarily the drinking part, but just that celebration that you made it

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to the end of the summer. Some of you might be feeling sad. That's fine.

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Some of you might be feeling happy. That's fine. Our family

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tradition, I don't know if I shared this, is that we really did

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not like that summer ended and we loved

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summer and we felt sad that we all had to go back to

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school and that it was so hot and everyone was

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like, so discouraged. And I remember Lincoln, when he went to

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kindergarten, I picked him up, it was like a half day and

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he was just like, oh, it's so hot. And you know, I don't like school.

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And he was complaining Some of the things I talk about in this episode. And

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I said, you know what? Let's just pretend that summer's not over and let's just

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jump in the pool. And so we said, first day of school, jump in the

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pool. And the three of us, Sawyer, Lincoln and I, all jumped in the pool

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fully dressed in our regular school clothes. And that became a

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tradition that we did for the next 18 years or whatever,

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12 years. So create a little tradition if

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you want some. Something that you do with your friends, something that you do with

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yourself or with your family to really commemorate the end of the

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summer and this back to school vibe. And just try to,

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you know, go with the flow as much as you can and enjoy it.

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And also, please enjoy this episode of Back to School Shit Show.

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I think you're gonna love today's episode because I am talking

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about something that's probably on your mind. And I'm calling this episode

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the Back to School Shit show because I guess I want to

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normalize that the transition back to school

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from summer break is not usually

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seamless. It is definitely a transition.

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And I just want you to be prepared for

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the shenanigans that might happen with your kids and

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also help you have the right mindset going into

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the next couple of weeks so that you don't lose

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your mind, right? I want you to have a good mindset, right,

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so you don't lose your mind. I'm going to get right into some of the

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nitty gritty in the early part of this episode because I know

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that sometimes you know your moms and you might get

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distracted and not get to finish an episode. So I want to

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give you the five things that you need to know right

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as school starts. The first one is

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that I want you to understand that your kid, they might not like

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their teacher. Especially if you have younger kids like

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kinder one, two, preschool, even third,

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fourth, elementary school. You kind of want them to

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like their teacher. When you have an elementary school kid, you may have a child

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who doesn't warm up to the teacher. I just want you to know that that's

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okay. That doesn't mean anything about your kid being, oh, they're so shy,

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or, or they're not a very warm kid,

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or, oh, this is gonna be such a hard year because they don't like their

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teacher. I just want you to know that your

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kids, they might be shy with their teacher and they might not want to talk

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to them, and that's just normal. So I don't want you

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to make your kids behavior A problem. I don't want you to be like, go

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hug your teacher. You know, you'll see all their kids hugging the teacher and being

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super sweet. And you might feel self conscious. You might think your kid's

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like, social. And I just want you to know that

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quality relationships take time to build and that

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your kid might not warm up to their teacher right away. And that is

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not a problem. So that's the first thing I wanted you to know.

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The second is that I really think this is probably

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the most important thing I'm going to say is that your

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kids are going to be exhausted the first week of

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school. This is just true. It is important

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that you keep the afternoons open. You might

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be tempted to plan like a big play

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date or big back to school picnic in the

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park and things like that. And you can plan those things.

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But I want you to be a little flexible and know that your kids might

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just not be up for it. Going back to school is very

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tiring for them. They have to sit still. Even if you have

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teenagers, they have to sit in a desk, they have to listen to their teacher.

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They have like a lot of input, you know, sensory input going on.

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I want you to be ready for that

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exhaustion. Really my

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recommendation is that you keep that first

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hour after pickup so screen free.

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There might be a temptation to have your

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kids go on a screen to like decompress or come down.

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But moving to a screen shortly after getting home, it will

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make it a little bit hard for your child's like activated stress

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response to reset itself and catch up. So instead of just

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kind of letting them disconnect on the screen or a video game or watching

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YouTube or watching TV or something. Want you to think about how can

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I use this time to connect with them, like playing a game or hanging

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outside or doing some of the things that you've been doing all summer, just

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doing those in the afternoon and doing, you know,

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allowing for some of that reset time, knowing that that

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first week of school, your kids are probably going to be pretty exhausted.

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The third thing that I would like to caution you about as

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kids go back to school, that sibling conflict might

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shoot through the roof during this back to school transition.

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The way to move through, like decrease

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sibling squabbles is by creating special

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time. Your kids are going to need individual one on one

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time with you most days right after school or, you

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know, shortly after pickup. I call that period of time right after

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pickup eyeballs, because that's the time where your kid kind of really

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needs to connect with you. So if you have two that you pick up at

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the same time, that's fine. Or three or four. However many you have,

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you can get everybody situated at home, get them playing a game, get them

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reading a book, get them playing outside. And then you can kind of pull each

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child in and just say, hey, I want to hang out with you and spend

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10 minutes, five minutes, you know, whatever you can spare

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with each kid. And that can just look like playing what they want

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to play. They're kind of playing Legos, or they're playing dolls, or they're playing

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house or they're jumping on the trampoline or, you know, they're, I don't

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know, whatever your kids do, going and doing that thing with them

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alongside of them doesn't have to be talking.

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You can actually just be in their presence and maybe wait

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for the stories to come. Or maybe they're not going to need to say anything

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to you. Just having that special time with just you is going to

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be huge. Huge. It will really help. You have

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fewer sibling conflicts. Okay, I know that's what you want

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is to have less fighting with your children and less annoying

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behavior with your kids. So doing this special time

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is like an antidote. Is that the word, antidote

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to sibling conflict? Okay, number four,

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social stuff is going to come up.

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This is going to happen. It happens at almost

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every age. You got preschoolers who

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are struggling with friendships. You've got middle schoolers

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who are not sure how they navigate how they fit in. You've got high

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schoolers who now people have boyfriends and girlfriends and

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they friends and all of that. Right? So the social stuff is going to be

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there. Friendships shift over the summer. Kids mature. Some

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kids get really into one video game over the summer and then they come back

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and that's all they want to talk about. And you're kid didn't play Roblox all

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summer or they didn't play Fortnite and you don't, you don't have anything to talk

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about. Navigating friendships, it might be hard

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for your kid. They might not know who to play with at

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recess. They might not feel comfortable at drop off.

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It might be difficult that social stuff. And I want you to

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be okay with this. I don't want you to think

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that your child is like antisocial or on the bad

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path to like being with all the bad kids or whatever. Not that I don't

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really think there are any bad kids. You might, but I don't. So

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if you're thinking that, just realize that all of this

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friendship Stuff, it just comes up in the beginning of the year. And

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allowing some time and trust that your child's going to

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navigate, they're going to find their people, they're going to find their friend group and

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it's going to be okay. So the more comfortable

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you are with your child's discomfort, the easier it

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will be for your child to move through their big

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feelings. Because they're like, am I okay? Am

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I gonna be okay? Nobody likes me. And then they look

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at you and they really want to feel like they're getting this

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feedback of like, no, no, no, honey, you're gonna be fine. But if

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they're looking at you and you're thinking, ooh, I don't know,

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are you going to be okay? They might adopt that thought. I'm not

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okay. I'm not going to be okay. The more comfortable you are,

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even when your child is struggling, the easier it is for your child.

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That's kind of cool. Number five.

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I'm sorry to share this one. Expect

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misbehavior to escalate over the next two

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weeks. Once school starts, whenever. If you're in it right now,

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mamas, you're in the back to school shit show right now.

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That's fine. You're seeing it currently. The misbehavior is

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escalating. If you're just starting school, get ready because

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it's coming. You're going to have more big feeling

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cycles. Remember, a big feeling cycle is sort of what I call like

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how I label a temper tantrum. Big feeling

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cycle is an intense emotional reaction to a

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circumstance. Your child has their big feelings and

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they come out through complaining and crying and

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negotiating and anger and whatever the big

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feelings are and how they show up, right? So you're gonna have

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more of those. We want to think about big feeling cycles,

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intensity, duration and frequency.

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So hopefully, if you've been practicing your KA mama skills, you know, the last

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few months, then you're going to be able to help your

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child move through these fast. So they won't last as long. So

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you're gonna have decreased duration. Hopefully they're not as intense

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because you've been practicing compassion in the middle of these feeling cycles.

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But what is going to happen is that they're gonna increase in

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frequency. You might be like, what the heck is going on?

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How come they're so like, this is just a. It's a shit show.

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Remember that? This is just happening, right? You're gonna have more resistance,

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you're gonna have more feelings. Your child's just

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going through a lot they're coping with a lot. They're having to use

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all their good coping strategies at school all day. And

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then they come home and they have that bra off feeling, right? Like that

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relaxed feeling. And they're like,

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now I'm just gonna let it all out.

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And so your kids behavior is a strategy

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that they are using to communicate or cope with their big

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feelings when they're in those big feeling cycles. Pause.

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Take that pause. Break. Take care of yourself. Reset

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your own emotional and nervous system and then get

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curious so that these are these five

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things that I want you to be looking out for. I'll repeat

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them just that your kids, they might not like their teacher. That's

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okay. Your kids might be really exhausted the first week of school.

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That's okay. Sibling conflict may happen.

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Special time is the antidote. Number four. Social stuff is going to

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come up, friends stuff, things like that. And then you're going to

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have a lot more misbehavior and big feeling cycles. I share all

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this because I love the ideal day and thinking, a

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positive parenting vision and all of those things when we are kind of

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anticipating good things. But I also know that

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some circumstances are just difficult. I don't want you

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to go into this school year feeling worried or

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dread because of what I've just said. I actually want you to feel

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confident. I want you to feel ready. I want you to be able to

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feel calm when this stuff is happening and hopeful. I'm going to

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give you a few thoughts that I think

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will help you in this transition. These

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are the thoughts that are going to help you feel confident,

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calm, ready and hopeful. So one of my favorite thoughts when I am

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in a transition, when the kids go back to school or the first couple

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days of summer, or the first day or two of winter break, whatever it is.

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I like to think this is a transition.

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It is a really helpful thought for me and that's why I'm offering

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it to you, because I then can add the second thought, which is

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transitions are temporary. That's the whole purpose of the

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word transition. I'm in between two stages. I was on

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summer break and now we're moving to school

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schedule and school rhythm. And this period of time is a

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transition. So those thoughts are going to really serve you. Another thought.

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It will take time to figure out our rhythm and routine.

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So looking at these two weeks, the first two weeks of school, as like kind

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of exploration, like curiosity. Wow. Where

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are the things that are difficult? Where's the friction in our

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rhythm? Where's the friction in our routine? What's not working? What is

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working? Giving yourself permission to think,

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I'm going to figure this out and it's going to take some time. And

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then offering to yourself, I have plenty of time. You mamas,

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you don't have to get it right. That first week of school,

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you're gonna get to school, there's gonna be a carpool line mess up, it's

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gonna be really long. You know, you're gonna try to get to pickup and there's

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not gonna be any parking because no one has worked out their carpool yet. You

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know, moms and dads are dropping off and moms and moms and all the people

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are there at school, people are staying longer

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at drop off. Like it's going to be difficult and

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so you don't have to have it all worked out just perfectly. The

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school also knows that this is a transition. They've done it many,

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many times, right. Many years. So you can,

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you can figure it out. You can give yourself time and permission. One of

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my thoughts, and I'm going to talk about this now, is

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that your job, my job as a mom and your job that I'm going to

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teach you is to create a gentle handoff each morning and

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at each pickup. I'm going to teach you this concept of a gentle handoff in

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a minute. But I want you to really think about this thought that that is

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your job. Your job is to create a gentle handoff each morning.

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What do I mean by gentle handoff? When you drop your kids off

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at school, I want you to think, how can I

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deliver the calmest, most

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emotionally regulated human being as possible? What

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is it going to take for me to deliver that kid

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to that school? School gate? What it actually means is that you

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are going to need to be really calm yourself and not be

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completely obsessed with being on time of looking a certain

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way of having the perfect lunchbox and like having all of the

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right school supplies and you know, the, the shoes

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being tied and ready and everybody, all the things all lined up.

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If you are stressed and you're trying to reach some kind

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of mother standard that you created in your head

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and you're putting that pressure on your kids, they are going to feel

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it, they're going to act out more because that's just what they do, that's how

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they respond to pressure, is it creates more feelings and then more big feeling cycles

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and you're going to end up dropping off a kid who just got yelled

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at, who was shamed, who was threatened, you know, is

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stressed. Your stress is Going to, it's contagious, but

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so is your positive thinking. And so that's why these

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thoughts of this is a transition. It's going to take time.

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I can figure this out. I don't have to be perfect today.

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Those thoughts are going to help you create that gentle handoff. Another

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thought I want to offer to you is that this one is so great. It's

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my kids are 100% going to

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master the back to school routine. Just decide right now

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that you as a family are going to figure this out. If you figure it

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out on day two, excellent. If you'd figure it on day 100,

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fine. You're gonna keep at it until you have a school routine

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where you have peace and calm at drop off. That is

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the goal. If you have kinder and first graders or whatever,

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preschool and kinder little ones, then you have a

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lot of years to figure out how to master the back to school routine.

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That's an amazing gift, right? You have lots and lots and lots of time. You

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might not get it this school year. Who cares? Fine, you're late. Who cares?

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Realizing that you have a lot of time to master this routine

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is going to free you from the pressure. And then also

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if you thinking, I will master it, we will figure this out.

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You're gonna have a lot of confidence. So these are the thoughts that I

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love for you for as you go back to school. Thoughts are contagious.

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Feelings are contagious. You are the leader in your home

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and that means you set the standards both for operations like how it

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goes and the mindset. So first comes the mindset

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and then comes the operations. I actually

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really want you to do this exercise. I want you to sit, pause

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this or like come back to it, come back and say, okay, what I

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want to do is I want to write a list of thoughts that I want

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to be thinking during the first week of school. Or if you're already in school,

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just be like, okay, next week what are my going to be my

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thoughts, particularly in the mornings and you can borrow the ones

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I listed. Go back, listen to them again, write down how do you want to

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be thinking? Because these thoughts are going to create

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emotion in you and from your feelings, you're going to

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show up differently. When you're feeling calm, you're going to show up

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differently. As a parent, when you're feeling committed to your rhythm and routine,

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you're going to have a lot more confidence. So I really want you to do

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that exercise because the thoughts you have are contagious and the

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feelings are contagious. So your children are going to follow along with your

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lead. If you're thinking, my kid is a mess, this is a

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disaster. You're going to approach situations

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from that mindset and you're probably going to feel stress from that

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stress place. You're not going to be able to calmly teach your kids

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the rhythm and the routine for you, especially in

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the mornings. I'll do a whole episode on mornings. Really all about, like

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this whole first week. If you are just thinking like, this is a

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transition, we're gonna figure it out. There's no problem here. Plenty of time.

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You're going to feel much better than thinking, I'm a mess, my kid's a

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mess. This is a disaster. We're so far behind. Other moms figured it all out.

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Other moms are better than me. Other moms know what to do. I'm telling you,

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I work with amazing moms. The moms who look like they have

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it all together, they come to coaching and they still feel

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like I'm not doing good enough. So all the moms are just walking

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around kind of feeling like, ah. And so you can have a lot of compassion

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for them. You can have self compassion. And you actually don't need to buy

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into some sort of perfect standard of

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motherhood or being a parent or anything. We're all doing the

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best we can, especially in the back to school shit

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show. That's just. You're just in the middle of it and it's not a

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problem and it's temporary. These are the thoughts I wanted to give to you as

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you head back into school and you start this school year off. Yeah,

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I'm sure that you have all sorts of feelings and so

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hopefully this episode has helped you think a little bit

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more ready, like ready for it. And also

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just compassionate for you and for your kids and.

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And you can just love yourself through it. That's what I want to leave you

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with. Have a great week and good luck and I'll

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be thanking all of you as you start this next school year.

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All right, everybody, talk to you next time.

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