Summary

In this conversation, Rob Gorski and Amber Arrington discuss the challenges and decisions involved in parenting adult children with autism. They address sensitive topics such as transitioning to adulthood, the need for independence, and the consideration of group homes. They also explore the emotional impact of making decisions like pursuing guardianship and the stigma attached to these choices. Amber shares her personal experience with her son living in a group home and highlights the importance of open conversations and support for parents navigating the complexities of autism parenting.

About Guest

Amber Arrington is a mother to 6 children, 3 of whom are autistic.

Autism was once a word she feared and has become a word she loves. Now she helps parents navigate an autism diagnosis and the autism landscape as a whole. She educates moms about available services and connects them with appropriate services and professionals.

Amber helps parents become "autism savvy" so they can know the best next steps to take for their child.

Connect with Amber:

http://www.autismsavvy.com/

Facebook

Instagram

Hosted by Rob Gorski:

Rob Gorski, a devoted single father to three incredible autistic sons, is the Founder and CEO of The Autism Dad, LLC. As a multi-award-winning blogger, podcaster, content creator, and influential social media figure for over a decade, Rob continues to share his family's journey, providing insights, resources, and support to the autism community.

Connect with Rob by visiting theautismdad.link

Mentioned in this episode:

Learn More: Goally

The Goally tablet is focused on fostering independence in kids without the distractions of ads, social media, or potentially harmful content. Unlike Kindle and iPad tablets, Goally's Tablet exclusively features educational apps like Khan Academy, Duolingo ABC, and Starfall, and is entirely controlled by parents. Goally's Kids Calendar helps kids with things like task management. Kids also learn life skills through video classes and pre-made routines, enhancing their independence. For more information, you can visit getgoally.com and use the code “theautismdad” to save 10% off your order.

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Learn More: Mightier

Mightier is a biofeedback-based video game platform that teaches kids to self-regulate emotionally. This leads to a significant reduction in meltdowns and parental stress. It's backed by science and has helped over 100,000 kids learn to regulate their emotions. For more information, the latest reviews/updates as well as current discount codes, visit theautismdad.com/mightier. Read My Mightier Review and the code “theautismdad22” to save 10% off your order.

Visit Mightier

Welcome to The Autism Dad podcast.

I'm Rob Gorski as a single dad to three amazing autistic kids.

I've been the go to global resource for autism parenting since 2010 for

the past seven seasons, this podcast has provided parents with education,

connection, resources, validation, and hope this season you'll hear from parents

just like you, as well as my own kids who will offer their unique perspective

on what it's like for them to navigate the world is young autistic people.

I'll feature experts from across various relevant fields from

parenting and education to therapies, nutrition, self care, and more.

So join us each week and connect.

with people who get it, you can subscribe on any one of your

favorite podcast, listening apps.

And for more information to be a guest or learn about sponsorship opportunities,

please visit the autism dad.

link.

Welcome back everybody.

Thank you for taking the time to tune in.

I really appreciate it on this week's episode.

We're gonna talk about some tough stuff.

And we're going to talk about things that so many of you experience

in your daily life, but are maybe Uncomfortable talking about openly

for fear of judgment or ridicule, or there's just stigma attached to things.

Or maybe you feel like a bad parent because you're feeling things that

you feel guilty for or whatever.

Uh, you are not alone.

You are so not alone.

There are so many of you out there.

I happen to be one of them.

And my guest today is one of them too.

And her name is Amber Arrington.

She is a mom of six and three of her kids are autistic.

And we're going to talk about Some of her experiences specifically with her oldest,

as she navigated things like guardianship and group homes and, and having to

deal with making choices that were for the betterment of the entire family.

Um, it's, it's tough.

It really is.

I'm dealing with that right now with my oldest navigating, uh,

group homes and that transition to adulthood and having to deal with.

You know, challenges with coexisting with our older autistic kids.

So, uh, thank you all so much for taking the time to tune in.

I really appreciate it.

And I hope you guys find this helpful and insightful.

Uh, thank you so much for taking the time to be here today.

I really appreciate it.

Could you take a moment, introduce yourself and tell

us just a little bit about.

Uh, who you are.

Yeah, you bet Rob.

I'm so grateful to be here with you today as well.

Well, my name is Amber Arrington.

Um, my company is Autism Savvy.

I'm a mother to six children total, but three of them whom are autistic.

I I'm the oldest of six and it's unusual to, uh, come across.

Large like large families.

I think like that anymore.

I know it's pretty unheard of and really I feel I like I

had two Families because I have like I had four and then I had two Because

they're not all growing up together.

But nonetheless there are six.

Thank you for for sharing that.

Um, One of the things that we wanted to really take on today was just talking

about things that are uncomfortable to talk about, or like experiences when

you're a parent raising a child with disability, that maybe there's like stigma

attached to, or you feel uncomfortable talking about just because you're afraid

of judgment or ridicule or, or whatever.

Uh, so that's what we want to do today.

And because this is sort of a sensitive thing, it can be a

little bit uncomfortable to.

You know, kind of get started.

I figured that I would go first and I'll just sort of throw myself

under the bus and, and we'll just get it started that way.

Okay.

Uh, and then we can kind of go back and forth from there.

Will that work?

You go first.

Awesome.

All right.

Okay.

So, uh, I have been very honest and everything that

I have done over the years.

And, you know, I think it's important that we do that because,

you know, social media is like a highlight reel for everybody, right?

Like you show the highlights of what's going on.

And a lot of times there's, there's struggle that just doesn't get.

About for whatever reason.

And, you know, along, along the way, I've been very open about the struggles.

Um, and then I sort of just kind of not stopped doing that.

But as my kids got older, it became a little harder to sort of navigate

some of that stuff because of privacy issues and concerns and whatever.

But, you know, with my, with my oldest now, uh, Gavin, he's 24 and he is

transitioning into his adult life and he's getting ready to move out.

He's got his first job and all that kind of stuff.

And you know, like we need him to move out.

I'm just going to rip the bandit off.

Like we need him to move out.

I know that sounds terrible.

Uh, but if you, if you're in a similar situation, you probably can

just feel exactly where I'm coming from with this, because like, it's

not like he's doing anything wrong.

Because he's, because he's not, but he's sort of outgrown the

house, if that makes sense.

And it creates a lot of tension, uh, you know, amongst his brothers,

for example, just because like, he's, he's sort of like a walking

conundrum where he's 24 years old, like chronologically, but developmentally,

we're not, we're not quite there.

And in a lot of ways, I think.

We're just now sort of entering the teenage years with him.

So he's like a 24 year old teenager, which, you know, it's complicated

because he, uh, he's legally an adult and can make his own decisions.

But he makes decisions with some of that impulse that like maybe a

teenager would do, I guess at times.

And that's, it's progress because he was, he was much

younger than that prior to this.

So he's, he's making headway, which is good.

Um, but you know, I feel like the only thing that, The only way to really help

him to move past this point in his life is for him to be on his own, where,

where he's independent from me as his primary caregiver, if that makes sense.

Um, kind of like, uh, I know you talked to Carrie Cariello or you've, you told

me about her and I started following her.

Yeah.

We were talking about that and you know, she calls it on tethering

and it's a really great way.

It's a really great way to look at this.

And, and, you know, I'm at that phase right now with him where

I'm untethering and we're all looking forward to him moving out.

And I, I feel okay saying that because not only is it going to benefit us like myself

and the other two boys, but it's also what he wants like more than anything.

And so I want that for him.

And I also, I want that for us because there's, there's a lot of stress when

you're trying to navigate some of these things and, uh, people don't

like maybe to hear that, you know?

I guess,

yes, because, okay, obviously this is a different

conversation for those who are raising non speaking kiddos, potentially,

probably that just assume they're going to live with them forever.

But I feel like it's become an expectation that if you have an autistic kiddo,

they're probably going to live with you forever, regardless of their, uh,

ability, um, their level, so to speak.

And so that's why we first connected.

Because I was like, I don't think anybody's talking about this version

of autistic people, autistic, young adults that are higher functioning.

I hate that term, but they have lower needs, but they still have needs and

they maybe need to consider a group home or maybe we need to consider

that for them.

Yeah.

So that's another good point, right?

Like the idea of sending our kids to a group home, I think.

Well, so just so everybody's on the same page, like a group home here, like

in Ohio, where I live, a group home is just, it's either a house or a duplex

or whatever the situation is in it.

And it's just shared by a number of people in similar situations to Gavin, right?

So he, he would be with people who are, um, with peers basically, and then they

just divide the rent amongst however many people are there and that's it.

And they have, you know, um, the, the provider will have

somebody who is on staff there.

To help manage things, you know, remind for medications or

appointments or stuff like that.

And, and that sort of untethers them from their parents in a way.

Right.

And, and, and I think like, I really struggled with the idea of the group home

just because of, um, Sort of the stigma, I think that's attached to that, but

I sat Gavin down, um, in an interview.

And if I remember, I'll link it in the show notes where I asked him, like, what

does independence look like for him?

You know, because I know what other people think about him moving to a group home,

but I, but what does he think about it?

Like, what does, what does he want for himself?

And he said that he wants to live in a group home because

he wants to live with friends.

And he doesn't feel like he's ready to be completely independent yet,

but he's open to that at some point.

And he feels like for the first time, since he, you know, the, for

the moment that he moves out at this point in his life, that he feels that

a group home is the best fit for him.

And he thinks it'll be fun.

And, you know, be able to have roommates and friends, and hopefully they

all have similar likes and dislikes and, you know, stuff like that.

And they like people to talk to them all the time.

Cause Gavin's a talker.

And, uh, you know, and I, and I think that he, like, he's excited about it.

He's looking forward to it.

He's building towards that and.

And, uh, and if I hadn't stopped to ask him what it is that he actually wanted,

then I wouldn't have known that I would have assumed that this is just the

direction that we were going in because it makes the most sense, but not that, but

not because it's what he actually wanted.

And, and when you learn that as a parent, I think it helps to kind of, um, set aside

the guilt, I guess, if that makes sense.

Yeah.

When it's what they want, when it's a win win, I mean, why not explore that?

Because there will be some, uh, autistic kids that are low support needs that

are going to move out on their own.

They're going to have jobs.

They're going to have pay for their own apartment.

They're going to handle their responsibilities, but guess what?

There are also some.

Like mine who are low support needs, but also who need support and who are not

going to be able to manage their money, who are not going to be able to hold down

that job, who are not going to remember to eat, sleep, take their medication,

wash their clothes and need that

support.

Yeah.

And you know, so when you, let me ask you this, when you think of your,

your son being independent, do you What does that look like for you?

I think he's living his version of independence right now.

Our dream for his life and his dream for his life are two very

different dreams, unfortunately.

So if you don't mind, I'd love to paint a picture for your

listeners of what this group home.

Experience is like, um, and how, so that people can imagine what this

possibly could be for their kiddo.

So, first of all, we're in Arizona.

So this group home is paid for at first it was paid for by the state because he was

qualified for our state disability agency.

Once I got him qualified for a social security, social security pays for it.

So it's not a financial burden on our family to pay for the group home.

It's paid for, for him.

So that's nice.

Um, it was something he was ready to do.

He moved out when he was 18.

And the only reason I felt comfortable.

Moving forward here, it took me years to warm up to it was because I had

a client who ran group homes in my state for men with disabilities.

And it took me years of meeting with her, I would be doing her

eyebrows and she would be telling me about her group home and about.

State disability services.

And I, at first I thought, Oh, that's sad.

Like I would never send my child to a group home, but as I learned more and then

I eventually went and toured it, I began to see this could be a really great, um,

win win for my son and for our family.

Cause he was tired of us having our thumb on him.

He wanted to feel like he was kind of like going away to college somehow.

And so this gave him the sense of independence because

now he still has support.

He still gets prompted, but now he's an adult.

He's within his rights to say no.

He's within his rights to not do things.

Another piece of this, which.

I feel like it also taboo is we did apply for guardianship

of our son when he was 18.

This is not necessary for everybody.

And some people are like totally against this.

This is what was necessary for, for us and our child.

Obviously we thought, so we wouldn't have moved forward with it.

The courts granted us guardianship of him.

So we can help support in the medical decisions in the life making decisions.

But what this, what the group home looks like for him is

similar to what you described.

Like it's literally a house.

There are three bedrooms.

He has one roommate.

There's 24 seven staff.

So there's people there to cook for him, prompt him, make sure he takes

his meds, take him to and from either work or his day program, you know,

um, make sure he's getting his laundry done, reminding him to go to bed.

He's still within his rights to not do things.

And that is a struggle.

Big time.

I can't, when he was in my home, I could kind of more make things get done, which I

think is what he wanted to get away from.

Um, so it's like, it's that type of thing, but he has that.

Now.

There has been a big load off my shoulders as far as responsibility day to day of

caring for him, but it is by no means like, see, yeah, it was nice knowing you.

No, he can come home when he wants.

We have him home for holidays.

We have, we take him to the movies.

We go take him for haircuts.

We take them out to dinner, like whatever he wants.

Um, and there was another piece I wanted to not leave out, I

guess we'll come back to it.

I just really wanted to paint a picture of what like day to day

life is like in a group home.

So,

you know, one of the things that's really important about

this conversation is, is that we talk about the things that people maybe,

you know, don't want to Innately feel shame about, I guess, if that

makes sense, or they feel, or maybe they're judged for some of this stuff.

Right.

Cause you know, when I, you know, Gavin is 24.

I've raised him since he was a year old.

Um, he, I adopted him when he was, I think it was around eight or eight or nine.

Something like that.

I mean, it blends together because the adoption, not that it was meaningless

to me, but like, I didn't change anything for me, if that makes sense.

Like I've raised him as my own since he was a little kid, but when I come

to some of these decisions, You know, that's, that's when some of these

more difficult things tend to surface, you know, it's, it's, you know, he,

he causes a lot of tension in the house, just, just being himself.

He's difficult to coexist with at times.

He's a talker and he doesn't, he doesn't read the room very well.

So he will just talk at you until you just can't take it anymore.

Um, And, and, and that really stresses his brothers out because they don't like that.

They want him to stop and he doesn't stop when they ask him to, and he'll follow

them around just, you know, talking.

Uh, and that's, that's tough.

I mean, it's tough to deal with.

And I realized that like, you know, there's a lot of families out there

with, with non speaking kids who maybe don't understand what that is, or

maybe sounds like it's, um, I don't know, like disingenuous or something.

But I mean, my youngest was non speaking too, for the first, You know,

four and a half years of his life.

So I do have some insight into what those challenges were like as well, but

everything when you are faced with it day in and day out can be a challenge,

you know, and it can just wear you down.

And, you know, I used to feel so guilty about the frustration or, you know,

Or, uh, you know, the anger or even sometimes resentment, I think, uh, for,

for certain behaviors, never, never him necessarily, but just the situation as a

whole or, or, uh, behaviors or, or habits or routines that just are so disruptive

to everybody else, but like he needs in order to kind of make it through his day.

And, and so the idea of him moving out is.

It's like a godsend for us, you know, and I, I was convinced that I was going to

be living with him, or he was going to be living with me for the rest of my life.

And then I had to worry about what I was going to do after that.

Uh, but we were locked in a house for COVID for 15 months

because he's immunocompromised.

We couldn't have any contact with anybody.

And he decided that he had enough of us and he wanted to move out.

So we've been prepping for the last few years to kind of get him to that point.

And, you know, it's, it's okay to need something for everybody else.

And, and sometimes that coincides with what's best for the other kid.

Like in Gavin's case, he wants to move out more than anything.

So that's what he needs to do for himself.

So we want that for him, but him moving out also benefits the rest of us because

it's a reduction of stress in the house.

It kind of, uh, changes up the dynamic, right.

And people can kind of, you know, grow in a way that they really can't

right now, if that makes sense.

It makes so much sense.

And I, and that's, I wanted to piggyback on that because I felt the same way.

And that is the thing that feels shameful to really admit sometimes is like the

energy in the house is affected sometimes by certain individuals in our house.

Okay.

That was the case for us.

We were ready.

We were so ready, but also he was ready and that's why it worked out so well.

Um, when the timing finally came right and you're right, it does take a big reduction

of stress off of your shoulders and even just like the dynamics in the house.

But also this is what I was going to say before, while it does take the.

You know, you get that separation from each other.

It allows you to connect in a different way.

You still have your responsibilities.

I still have to meet with staff every 90 days.

I still have to field, uh, staff calls coming in on a daily or weekly

basis about his behavior or his choices and trying to mediate it.

I still have to attend either in person or via zoom med check appointments or,

uh, you know, but the nice thing is.

They make the appointments now.

I don't have to do it.

They make sure he's getting his dental exam.

They get, they take him to the doctor if he's feeling sick.

So like a little of that load is lighter, but we're still totally

remained plugged in for his

care.

Yeah.

And so I was thinking about this the other day and.

Uh, you know, just because our kids turn into adults and they, maybe

they even move out, right, does not mean that we stop being parents.

It just sort of changes the nature of what we consider parenting maybe.

And, you know, like right now, Gavin is so used to me micromanaging

his life because that's, what's been necessary for everything.

Um, That he can only, I think he can only grow so much in this environment and for

him to be his, live his independent life.

He needs to be independent from me.

If that makes sense, uh, to where he's, even if someone else has to help him

in the exact same ways that, that I.

Wood, it's somebody else doing it, right?

So he has sort of flown the nest and he is utilizing supports and services that

are in place to help him do all these things that he needs to do whilst not

living at home, you know, and being able to live on his own and, and manage his

own life and all of that kind of stuff.

And.

You know, I, I really, I struggled with that for a long time, especially

when we first started, like with the board of DD and job training, because

I don't have guardianship, right?

I chose not to pursue that.

Um, just because I like, could I have, I probably could have, should I have?

Maybe, maybe, you know, I don't know yet.

Um, what I know is that.

You know, at the time I found that power of attorney for me worked out well enough

because it allowed me access to manage finances or to, um, make me even making

doctor's appointments once they're over 18 is you can't, I mean, you're limited

what you can do, all these things just sort of drop off at you're used to doing.

And, and power of attorney allowed me the ability to continue what

I've always been doing without.

I guess stripping him of the ability to do those things for himself if he

could do that at some point and and I think I think he can I think he can.

Um, but we just haven't really tested that out yet, if that makes sense.

But, you know, I, I know a lot of parents who, who pursue guardianship and everybody

goes through that same thing where it's, there's guilt and you feel just awful

having to, I mean, because essentially you go to court and you have your, your

child declared legally incompetent and, and you have to make the decisions for

them, which feels awful as a parent.

Uh, but at the same time.

Do you have to protect them?

Yeah.

I didn't feel, I feel embarrassed to say it on social media,

but I didn't feel embarrassed.

I'm glad I could do it because that he, if he was left to his own after

18, if the ability for me to help him make his decisions, if I couldn't

know what happened at a doctor's appointment, first of all, doctor's

appointments would never even get made.

Like he wouldn't be know how to make a phone call.

He would not know.

It was a blessing for me.

To be able to get guardianship for my son so I can help him.

But I, I am bummed out that it feels that it does feel sore.

I mean, it, it shouldn't be taken lightly and it wouldn't

be, we wouldn't take that light.

Nobody would take that lightly.

Well, they don't make it easy

either.

I mean, no, it's a, it's a process.

It's a whole process.

Yeah.

So let me ask you this and you, you don't have to answer this if you want

to, but if, if you feel so confident, In the decision, then why, why, if you

posted it about it or talked about it publicly, why would that feel different?

Well, I'm new to social media and I'm, I'm developing thick skin.

Um, there are people that will have very strong opinions about it there.

That's all.

Okay.

But in general, I would talk openly about

it.

It's just sort of the, the reaction that you might get from,

from people and you're right.

You, you, you would, you get people who totally relate to it and you

get people who would judge you all day and night just because.

Maybe their kid didn't need to have that done.

So like, why would you need to do it for yours?

Cause people, people don't understand.

Like I've been, I've been doing this for like since 20, 2009.

Right.

And one of the most consistent things across the board is that we fail to

recognize how different every family is.

You know, and just because like you have three kids, uh, that are autistic.

I have three kids that are autistic.

Our kids can be just polar opposites of each other.

They can be very, very different, even though they have the same diagnosis.

Yes.

And for me to assume anything about what you're doing based on

what my kids need is just insane.

And I don't understand why we continue to do that.

Like.

It's, it's one of those mantras that we have during autism awareness

month or whatever, where we're just like, everybody's different.

Everybody's unique.

Don't judge one person because you met somebody else.

And yet we do it ourselves.

All the time, whether it's with school or, uh, guardianship or some,

you know, independent living or job related things, whatever it is, like

we judge each other so harshly and

it has to stop.

I mean, it does.

And I think a lot of it on social media would be probably adult autistic people

that would be saying, how dare you take your son's rights away from him?

Like that.

That would be what would happen.

Um, and, but, but it goes back to what you're saying, like, come walk

a day in my shoes and then you can make the best decision that you

can.

Yeah.

It's not about stripping our kids of their rights or not giving them a voice.

It's about like, we know our kids better than anyone else does,

and we want them to be safe.

And the ability to make decisions for them is like, it's when they can't

make the decision for themselves.

It just allows us the ability to step in, in the event that we need to, without

having to, you know, go through all this red tape and whatever we have the ability

to intervene if and when it's deemed necessary, but none of us want to, right.

I mean, we want our kids to be able to do all this stuff on their own.

We want to be able to let go and, you know, have a life after our kids.

So, so there's no like.

There's no payout for us to, it's, it's not a power, it's not a

power grab or anything like that.

There's no prize for, you know, having guardianship.

It's, and it's a tremendous amount.

It's, it's almost more responsibility than when they were kids, because you have

to account for every single, everything.

And you answer to everybody.

I have to manage.

So like I have six kids and I have to manage the guardianship of a grown adult.

Like after my meeting with you today, I'm meeting with someone to talk Social

security and vocational rehab for him.

Cause I'm trying to get my bearings on all of this now in this new space.

Like he, he's not doing it for himself.

I have to manage it.

Like it's still, it's yeah, it's not something that we choose.

And frankly, it's something that takes a lot, a lot of us a long time

to realize we're really looking at, at least for me, my son didn't get

his medical diagnosis till he was 12.

It probably wasn't until he was 12 that I fully started to understand that

his future wasn't going to be like.

Uh, maybe a typical quote unquote kids future that, Oh, like he might not be

holding down a job and he might not move out and know how to pay for an

apartment and he might not go to college.

And I think I might have to really like manage this stuff for him.

And that's a hard pill to swallow.

And that's, it's sad.

Like there's some grieving with that.

None of this is taken lightly, like none of this is done

lightly.

Yeah, I, and I wish people, I wish people knew that, right?

It's sort of like, I was at therapy with one of my kids the other day and we were

talking about, Anxiety and all that stuff.

And, you know, she made the reference to an iceberg, right?

Like people see that the tiny piece that's above water.

Right.

And so they just see, oh, you went and you did this, or, oh, you made this decision.

What they don't see is everything that's beneath the surface, all of the reasons

why you have to make the decisions that we have to make for our kids.

And you know, I mean, I mean, you're right.

I mean, there is a lot of shame and there's a lot of

judgment and stuff online.

And.

You know what my hope is that by, by like openly talking about some

of this stuff, that it, that it just sort of, um, helps other people

to recognize that they're not.

Yeah.

To be able to normalize this conversation.

There are so many people on social media.

I just, in general, I feel like we're talking about the younger kids, right?

I have a three and a half and a five year old autistic daughters too.

So I'm also in that world and it's about talking and potty

training and all the things.

Things or the non speaking kids and AAC and spelling to communicate and

all the things, but there's this window of people that is being left out.

Almost.

We're not talking about them and they have needs too.

And we're managing for them too.

And I think, I don't know, I guess we're starting that conversation

here today, Rob, like more openly, like we need to talk about social

security and guardianship and group

homes.

Yeah.

And you know, my, my son and I was open about this too, when he was little,

His behaviors were so, so difficult to manage when he was younger, like seven,

eight, nine age group, uh, age range that, you know, we were told to look for

residential placement, like to have it, like to remove him from the home because

of the safety issues to the other kids.

Now he wasn't like going after anybody.

He was, it was all like self injurious or just destructive environmental things.

Uh, but there's.

Collateral damage, you know, there's trauma being exposed

to that kind of stuff.

And so we finally had to make the decision to pursue that.

Ultimately we couldn't just because there wasn't any place

available, you know, locally that we felt comfortable placing him.

Uh, but the amount of guilt that I felt, and I was the

hang up to the whole process.

Like I was refusing to, to even think about something

like that for the longest time.

But ultimately, you know, even when you have to make decisions like that.

You have to make a decision based on what's best for the whole sometimes.

Yeah.

And it's not sacrificing somebody it's you are unable to meet their needs.

In the environment that they're in, because if you were able to meet

their needs and there wouldn't be, you know, there may not be as much

challenge or disruptive issues, right.

And it's not that, uh, we're less of a parent or we're not trying hard

enough or that they're bad kids.

It's just, there's just a combination of factors that make it difficult to coexist.

And when you place somebody in a residential facility like that,

the idea is for them to go.

And learn the skills that they need to better interact with

the world with the ultimate goal of reuniting everybody at home.

And sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, but you know, there's,

there's lots of families out there who have to make decisions like that.

And we don't talk about that either because there's that shame and that

stigma and judgment attached to making those decisions, you know, and.

Yeah, I think you said that you said that so eloquently,

I couldn't have said it any better.

And, and I will just add that we were probably by the time he was 16, we

were really feeling like we're going to need to do something different.

This is not the whole family is having a hard time, um, because

our kiddo was having such a hard time and then that's real life.

So I'm glad you said it.

Yeah, it's, uh, you know, I, I don't think.

I don't know why we struggle with that so much, but like, for me, it

was, I couldn't, I couldn't fix it.

And so I didn't know, I didn't know what to do.

And then you can't fix it means that I'm not trying hard enough, or I don't

know, like, I don't, like, I don't know enough to do, you know what I mean?

So it's like, you're letting somebody down and you just feel all this, all this

emotion, uh, that we don't talk about, you know, and, and a lot of times we allow

that to impact the decisions that we make.

For kids.

And that's sometimes not the right thing to do.

I just want, you know, a takeaway for whoever's listening to be

at least, cause you guys are shopping it.

We've been doing it for a couple of years.

Meaning my son's been in a group home for two years.

November was two years.

Um, get facilitating my son into a habilitation group home at age 18

was the best decision we could have made for him and for our family.

And I'm really happy we have done this.

I don't know how it'll go in the future.

I hope he can move out on his own at some point.

But for now, like this has been a huge win for our family.

And I just, I guess want people to understand that it

can be a positive experience.

It's probably harder to find group homes.

You can trust, of course, that's going to be something you have to

shop and do your due diligence and come up short a lot of times on, but,

but when it works, at least for us, it's been a really great experience.

How is he doing?

Well, I mean, he's happy.

Okay.

Um, I wouldn't say he's thriving.

Um, he has all the same struggles he had when he lived at home.

It's just someone else managing them, um, day to day rather than us.

So we still have the same goals.

We're still working on just going to sleep, not gaming 20 hours,

um, personal hygiene, um, and for motivation to do more than gaming.

So we have those kinds of things.

We're.

We're dealing with, but he's happy.

He's happy.

He wouldn't want to come back home.

So,

and I think that's where a lot of parents get hung up.

Like they want their kids to be happy and how could they be happy

in that type of environment?

And you know, uh, they can be,

they can be.

And my son goes to a, it's called the DTA, a day treatment program,

which frankly, he doesn't fit there.

He, his functioning level is.

He is very low needs and some of the kiddos and young adults that go to that

day treatment center are very high needs.

So that is, I don't envision him there and I don't want him there.

That's why I'm working on vocational rehab so we can get him

going back to school or working.

He can work.

He held down a part time job at the quick quack carwash for a year.

Um, when he lived at home, he doesn't have motivation to really do that now.

He's just kind of like chilling right now.

Um, but you know, for now it's.

It's okay.

And we'll just continue to try

to progress one step at a time.

One step at a time.

Yeah.

So, uh, you know, we just wanted to kind of, uh, we didn't really

ease into this conversation.

We just sort of like jumped down the rabbit hole because we wanted to try

and squeeze in as much as we could.

Um, in this, in this time slot.

So I really appreciate you sharing as openly and honestly is, is you

have, because I know that it's not, I know it's not easy to do that.

Um, But I think it helps.

It's been my pleasure.

Like I'm here, I'm here to just help parents navigating an autism

diagnosis with their child at any age.

And this is part of it.

This is part of it that we need to talk about

more.

So, so before we go, what is, um, autism savvy?

So let's just.

Plug that and talk a little bit about that so people can know,

like know where to connect and what you do and stuff like that.

Yeah.

I autism savvy as a company.

I just, um, started it official this year, 2024.

I left my previous life in the beauty world and on my business and

all my success there, and I said, I've been doing autism for 20 years.

What would be the most fulfilling way for me to like spend my life serving others?

And this is where I landed because it's, Part of it's a big part of our life, and

I just have learned so much at this point.

And I have such a heart for parents struggling, particularly through

a new diagnosis at whatever age that's happening for their child.

Um, I wanted to put together something that was more than a free Facebook group.

Something that was more than a free zoom call, just kind of a neutral

source to gain information, to access experts, to educate themselves, to

come to understand that autism is not so scary and to be able to connect

them with the resources they need.

So that's autism savvy.

Where can they find you?

So they can find me at autism savvy.

com.

And for any of your listeners that, um, are really new.

Do you want me to talk about the summit?

Sure.

Okay.

We have the autism savvy summit, the while you wait edition coming

up at the end of the month.

And they can learn more about it at autism savvy.

com because that's a free event where parents can get education to help them

support their autistic child at home.

Will there

be like a replay or anything of that?

Afterwards.

Yes.

So it's a, it is a live event at the end of April, but then the recorded

version goes into the Infinity Mom Club.

Okay.

So it will always be available to be accessed there.

Okay.

Cool.

So thank you very much for being here.

I, I have a feeling we'll probably do more episodes in the future 'cause we

can take on like topics specific to this sort of area that people don just don't.

Like talking about need to hear about.

So thank you very, very much.

I really appreciate it.

It's

been amazing to be here with you today.

Thanks Rob.

Before we go, I just wanted to take a moment and say, thank you so

much for taking the time to tune in and for all the support you guys have shown

me over the last seven seasons, I am so grateful and appreciative of each and

every one of you, if you have found this useful, or you just enjoyed listening,

if you wouldn't mind taking a moment to leave a review on Apple podcast or

Spotify or whatever app you're listening to this on, or share it with your friends

or it's a great way to support the show.

Thank you.

I really appreciate it.

You guys can reach me at the autism dad dot link.

That's the autism dad dot L I N K and we'll talk soon.

Thanks.

Bye.