065: How relationships are responsible for all of the success we have in our lives with Chandler Lonergan and Jason Matthews

Artwork for podcast Holding Down the Fort by US VetWealth

Episode 19 • 2nd December 2020 • Holding Down the Fort by US VetWealth • Jen Amos

Jen Amos 0:00

Welcome to holding down the fort, a podcast show dedicated to curating knowledge, resources and relevant stories for today's military spouses so they can continue to make confident and informed decisions for themselves and their families. Because let's face it, we know who's really holding down the fort. I'm Jen a Moe's, a gold star, daughter, veteran spouse and your host for holding down the fort by us that wealth. Let's get started.

All right. Hey, everyone, welcome back to season three of holding down the fort podcast. Now at the time of this recording, we are officially an award winning podcast. I want to just take a second to thank all of our guests who've been on the show, as well as our listeners for supporting us and really just rooting for us and nominating us for the media professional of the Year award with the Rosi network Entrepreneur Awards. So yes, everyone that's on the show is now part of an award winning podcast. So that's something you can add to your resume and brag to your friends. So there's that. And the guests that I have today. Oh, actually, before I bring on the guests, let me go ahead and bring on my amazing co hosts, Jenny Lynn stroupe. Gentlemen, welcome back.

Speaker 1 1:16

Thanks for having me. Glad to be here on this award winning show.

Jen Amos 1:21

Yes, yeah, we'll just use a word waiting, like the entire conversation. So everyone knows that this is an award winning show. So they walk away knowing Wow, that is an award winning show. But yes, it's such a pleasure to have you. It's so crazy, because like the award was announced when you were like fairly new with the show. So it's just great to have your involvement. And again, I can't say this enough, and even in our past episodes, just how amazing it's been to have you as a contributing voice to the conversation. So thank you again, as always, for being on our show.

Unknown Speaker 1:51

Sure thing. Happy to be here.

Jen Amos 1:53

Yeah. So with that said, let me go ahead and introduce the guests of our show today. I'm really excited to bring on these guys. They actually even helped, you know, helped us get nominated for this award. So with no further ado, I want to bring on the people behind Charlie Mike life. Let me start off with the chairman, CEO and founder of Charlie Mike life, which is Chandler Lonergan, who is also a military veteran of the Gulf War. A little bit about Charlie Mike life is a it's a selfless volunteer staff that brings free life coaching and career guidance to America's veterans and gold and silver star spouses today. And also we have the director of coaching with Charlie Mike life, Jason Matthews, he is an honorably discharged US Army vet and relationship strategist. So Chandler and Jason, welcome to the show.

Unknown Speaker 2:42

Hi, how you doing?

Unknown Speaker 2:44

Thanks for having me.

Jen Amos 2:45

Yeah, absolutely. So, man, I mean, I already feel like you guys are my friends. So. So why don't we talk a little bit about actually, Chandler, I know that you initially connected with my husband, Scott. So I thought maybe we can start with this conversation of how did you guys happen to connect? How did you guys find each other?

Speaker 2 3:04

We found each other on social media. And I was looking for different ways to promote Charlie, Mike and add different services. And we get to talk, I get to talk to him and start a relationship. And he really is amazing at what he does. And we're going to tie him into Charlie more like to promote what he does, too, because he's selfless himself. He's a ring knocker, as I say, and he's a good guy. And so that's how I got to meet you was through him. And Jason jumped in right away. I can help. And he, he's someone like call my XML. He's really a balance for me, keeps me grounded. Because I get off on occasion, or I think I want to do this, that this that this that exists is like, Yeah, okay. How are you going to do it? So that they really think about what we're going to do and not overextend ourselves? Because it's really easy to get away from the core of what we do. Is we Brandon, keep going back to it. I mean, we've had amazing people in Charlie Mike. We've had Jason we've had Michelle Foster, we've had Sheila Jones, there's selenate. But they're their own careers as well, too. And that's what I like about it because everybody most of us are veterans. to people that are not, they are Silla Jones, and Enzo Weaver, who's an incredible coach as well. And she's been on board with me from day one. I call her number three. And she takes that role and loves it because he I'm three okay, I'm three I'm three. But Charlie Mike came together because I was coaching in realize that coaching can be expensive. It's not cheap. In the ones that needed the most money can afford it the least where our veterans, it's a big transition to come out of the military, where it's a very tribal existence and come back to the civilian world. And you're alone again. Yeah. So you have to get them back in touch with themselves, and help remind them that they've accomplished some amazing things already. And to continue mission, do your job, do the goals that you set forth, no matter what the hiccup is, you can get by it and continue your mission. Well, who didn't know Jerry, and I added life to it to make it a lifestyle. to never give up. I got worried about the touring two that killed themselves every day, I became worried about not getting to 23 First, let's stop that and work your way back. And so far, Charlie, my life has been very successful with the veterans that we've talked to now. Love it. This is my passion.

Jen Amos 6:14

Yeah. Well, thank you, Chandler, for sharing that there was some moments that were a little choppy for me. So let me just kind of recap what you shared. So you met my husband through social media, and you said amazing things about him. So thank you for saying that. And you know, in that process, Jason got really love with Charlie Mike life and jumped on the opportunity to, you know, work with you. And you've had amazing coaches jump on board. And the thing that I love the most about what you shared so far with Charlie Mike life, which by the way, I didn't know life meant lifestyle, I thought it meant life coaching. So I appreciate you elaborating on that. But the the thing I like the most is that really recognizing that the people who need these type of services the most really can't afford it. And so I just have to say that I applaud you and admire like what you're doing and what you continue to do for our veteran community. So thank you so much for that.

Speaker 2 7:05

Thank you. I appreciate it very much. Jason has been with me pretty much from the beginning to and he really does keep me grounded. He's been incredible place for guidance that I go to. We have a that was the Marine Corps wore off officer named Cleveland Erickson. He's a great guy, too. And he goes out, he keeps rebalances Well, I can call these two director of balance.

Jen Amos 7:37

I love that. I absolutely appreciate you sharing that Chandler and so transitioning over to Jason here. It's interesting, because he actually was my coach. So keep everything confidential. Jason? No, I'm just kidding. I'll probably like air out my dirty laundry, because why not? But you know, the funny thing. And Jason you can elaborate on this more is that the reason why we connected is because you became the director of the Gold and Silver Star Families program for Charlie Mike life. And as you know, I'm a gold star daughter. And so it was interesting when I connected with Chandler, and he was all like, oh, you're a gold star daughter, you should connect with Jason. And I was like, Okay. And the funny thing is, at the time, I personally didn't even see I mean, I like conceptually understood the value of coaching. But to have gone through it with Jason was really transformative. And so I really encourage it to anyone that is looking for some kind of coaching services. So anyway, Jason Matthews, tell us a little bit about yourself. And you know, your involvement with Charlie, Mike life?

Speaker 3 8:39

Well, first of all, thank you very much. Thank you so much for having me on here again. It's always great to be able to talk with you, you present very well with your podcasts. And your format is fantastic. And I love what you do. I love you. So yeah, yeah, always a pleasure to be on here. And I would come back anytime you asked me. So well, in

Jen Amos 8:57

that case, I'm just kidding. Okay, go on.

Speaker 3 9:01

So to start, first of all, thank you, Chandler, for all the compliments, I'll pay you later for them. But in all honesty, when I first saw that, Chandler was starting this initiative of Charlie Mike life, and what he was hoping to do with it, a light bulb kind of clicked in my mind, because at this point, I was just developing my relationship building Academy program. It's still in its infancy stages, I had gotten away from doing what I was doing before, which is basically performance coaching and decided to go more into relationship building because I saw that relationships, were responsible for all of the success we have in our lives, you can't be successful in a vacuum, you have to develop relationships the right way, in order to create any kind of success and there is a right way and a wrong way to do that. And most people be forgotten the right way to do that. And so what I do is help to remind them and that's kind of the concept I brought to you Jen and which I can Tell when we first started like, what? Because we're talking about the Goldstar daughter. And I'm saying, Oh, you need relationship coaching like, Huh? Yeah, it was true. As we went through it, I could see the light bulb was going off like, Yeah, this is all connected. Because whether it's grief, whether it's trauma, whether it's any kind of other experience that we have, we experience through the, through the way that we connect with other people. And so if the way that we experience negative events is through connection with other people, the only way to reverse that is to create positive relationships with other people create positive connections. And so that's kind of what we worked on together was how to create these positive connections with yourself with your husband, with the people that you interact with, with everyone, and just be able to give yourself a whole new perspective. And that's what I wanted to bring to Charlie Mike life was that when you were in the military, you were surrounded by like minded individuals who had a common purpose. And that training built on that sense of belonging, you belonged there. And so the training was very easy to comprehend, you got it almost immediately, because you were surrounded by the people who are getting as well. And the way it was being taught was through conditioning, where the more you do it, the more you get rewarded. So yeah, it's gonna click, it's the same way that a child learns how to socialize. It's the same way that infants learn how to walk, it's the same way that we learn how to do everything, we watch other people doing it, and then we synthesize it for ourselves. And we find out what is in alignment with us to make sure that we can do it safely. So that was the mission that I wanted to bring to try to make life. And when I first met Chandler, he was kind of like a bowl of spaghetti all over the counter. And he was like, Well, I want to do business coaching. I want to live coaching. I want to do this. I want to Whoa, hang on, hang on, hang on. Okay, timeout. So what I wanted to do was I wanted to find out what the least common denominator was between everything that he had going on, what was the least common denominator, the spoke if the actual, if you will, that all the spokes went off? And what was it that we could actually really focus on that we can then branch out later on, once we have that thing established? And the thing that did tend to told me was he wants focus on coaching? So I took that and said, Okay, this is what I do. This is what I know, this is how I know how to do it. Does this work with you? And immediately it was a yes, he was very excited about what I brought. And I first saw it as being able to work with Goldstar families. And then the person who was the director of coaching, she stepped down to to do her own, pursue her own purpose. And so I saw an opportunity. I asked Charlie's absolutely without question. So that's when I brought in the idea of using the relationship building Academy for vets because this is something that everyone needs to use, it doesn't matter what kind of trauma you've had, whether it's emotional, physical bowel stresses matter, traumas, trauma. And the only way that you can reverse that trauma is by creating those positive interactions with other people in a way that make you feel understood, respected and valued. So that became what I wanted to offer, Charlie, Mike. And I wanted to make sure that the coaches that were under me understood that as well so that they can get behind that purpose, because I wanted to make sure that this was the thing that we all got. And I didn't want to make it so that the relationship building Academy was going to be like this for profit thing. With trying to make live I made it very clear to Chandler, that whatever I do with Charlie, Mike life is going to be out of my own time out of my own resources. Because this is too important to try and monetize. This is way too important to try to make something into something when there are so many people that are hurting. So I wanted to make sure that this is my gift back for the work that I do for others. So I hope that answered the question that you asked.

Jen Amos: 14:06

Yeah, it was great because I mean, you really shared even your own short history at this point of being involved with Charlie Mike life and how you've kind of climbed up the ladder. And you know, here you are now as the you know, director of the coaching with Charlie Mike life, and so, I have so many thoughts, but obviously I have to check in with my co host here. So Jenny, Lynn, anything you want to add or share?

: 14:28

Oh, I just, I mean, he's speaking my love language like community belonging, relationships, just so identify with those things. And from a military spouse perspective, you know, you talked a lot about like the service member and battle training, like it's really kind of the same on the spouse side, and that we need community, within the military community and within the civilian community because we really are part of both and so I just I appreciate that relationship is your like, go to that. That's what Are you start for all of this, because I think that really is where we do our best work.

: 15:07

It's funny because I consider the military spouse to be the liaison between the military and the non military world. So you basically got two jobs, you actually have three jobs, because when your service member goes away, the person that left no longer exists, the person has died. And the person that comes back is very different than the person who left. So now you've got a major job of figuring out a new baseline between yourself, your family and that service member, to create a new sense of cohesion, a new sense of balance, a new relationship, so to speak, you're basically like in a dating phase all over again. And it's so important to understand that because spouses who believe that person comes back is the same person who left, those are the relationships, they usually don't last, those are the ones that suffer the most. So when you have this perspective of okay, the person who left he's never coming back, there's gonna be someone who looks like this person comes back, and they're gonna be very different than when they left. And it's my responsibility to now figure out what their normal is and how to integrate that back to our family. So that one, so that we feel like we belong. And to that there is this lack of friction that happens where it becomes almost organic. So it's, it's a whole relationship building phase all over again.

: 16:32

Yeah. I mean, like it was struggle, like the word reintegration is like flashing through my head. And like, you know, all the briefings that we get, that's like, you know, he's got two weeks after he comes home, and you're going to reintegrate him like, oh, in my experience, it was more like, two and a half years, like two weeks, you know, we were barely like, getting to know each other again. So the actual reintegration, and building relationship took a lot longer for us.

: 16:58

Yep, that we just you're basically strangers. When you come back together. Again, it takes time, it takes effort in the spouse has a difficult time on her answer his hands, because you're dealing with a stress they weren't trained to deal with. But they're forced into it. And they need some help. They need guidance. We all everybody needs guidance and life. Nobody knows everything and how to deal with everything. Everybody's different, more affects everyone differently. There's no set standard on how to deal with a veteran, when he comes home, how to your wife or husband, when you come out, it's a toss up, it can be done, you just have to remember that you've been apart for the length of the deployment, which can be six months to a year, sometimes or longer, you have to give yourself time to get back to normal human and understand things. So

: 18:03

this is a process that I like to call co regulation. And there's two processes a person has in order to maintain a certain balance, there's co regulation and self regulation. So self regulation is basically how we manage ourselves day to day, but the only way that we can gain self regulation is through the way that we relate with other people, that CO regulation piece. Now when a service member leaves, they're thinking about their mission, what they have to do as they should, the person at home, their mission is still raising the family. And their idea is that the person that comes home is going to be the same helpful, responsible, considerate individual that left not realizing that, you know, this person was in a situation where they get paid to have bullets, fly at them, and then shoot back. And that's their job. And they may have other jobs as well. But that's the primary job of every soldier, every soldier is a rifleman, and you have a second job, their job after that, but your rifle is your first job. So that's always something that is in a soldier's mind, they're not thinking about doing the dishes, mowing the lawn, changing diapers, going into PTA meetings, picking up the kids from school, Yatta, Yatta, yatta, all the things that the spouse is doing, they're still at home. That is their job they're doing and that's also very vital. So now, when a soldier comes back, you've got two self regulating entities that now need to learn how to co regulate again. And that's the process of okay, this is where I saw you before. Where are you now? And then the server has to have the ability to say, this is where I am. This is where you were when I last saw you, where are you now? And having that conversation figuring out where each other are to create that common ground of what can we both still rely on to be passionate about, and then work from that foundation. It's like you've moved houses emotionally, you may be in the same location but You really, you've moved your emotional house. So you have to pay, you have to create a new foundation all over again.

Unknown Speaker: 20:05

New life all over again.

Jen Amos: 20:08

Yeah, you know, something you said earlier, Jason really struck a chord with me is that, you know, the moment the service member leaves and goes on deployment, that's the death of a figurative relationship, like that person is not going to come back the same. And of course, even with the spouse, it's like it, you know, they're not going to come back the same in a sense as well, because they have to, really, what do you call it? What am I trying to say? Like, they have to develop a new level of resilience with every deployment, or every time they're away, you know, from the service member. And of course, if you have kids, the kids are growing up, you know, like, things are changing so much. And so I really liked that mindset, because I think maybe that's where the strain of a lot of relationships can happen is when they come back, you hope to just like with friends, sometimes you hope to pick up where you left off, where in this case, you know, this unique situation of the military, that's not the case, it's a lot different. And it's being aware that that is an issue. And that does happen and knowing how to coexist in a new way when the service members back home.

: 21:11

Absolutely. And it comes down to the fact that you now have a new culture that you're working with. There's a brand new culture, because from the service members perspective, their spouse is completely different, and vice versa. And that's because, like you had said, there's a new resilience that has to be developed by both parties. I mean, on one side, you've got the family that stays at home, they have to be able to say, how am I going to do this? Without my partner, I am now a single parent, raising X number of kids with doing whatever I have to do, what is the new status quo that I have to reach in order be able to do this reliably? And then the servicemen when they come home? How is it that I am able to reintegrate? How do I become re familiar with my new family, my new old family in order to be able to not so much pick away where we left off, but really reinvigorate the relationship?

Jen Amos: 22:10

Yeah, absolutely. I thought I check in with Chandler, because I feel like you're like the observer here. So how's it going over there any thoughts you want to add?

: 22:18

Relationship is everything in life, every part of your life is relationship based, no matter what it is, and Jason taught me that. He told me to look at things that way. And you have to because when you look at a spouse, they're taking over both responsibilities was their spouse to poise. The difficulty level goes up quite a bit. And so there is two different lifes. Now, when the service member comes back home, they that they have to do that, again, it's a brand new environment for him. It's a brand new environment for that spouse. But with coaching, and some guidance from another coach from the spouse, from another veteran, it can happen with very good results. The workforce now find a girl named Kelly McGuire, she's our ambassador, our first charting mic, Ambassador. And she's awesome. So awesome. Jason wanted her to be a coach. But she's really good, though. And we're trying to find out a way to get her more integrated into Tony, Mike, because you really has a good dialogue with veterans. Talk to her. Well, she talks to them while she builds that core relationship with all of them. And she's got a main brothers and sisters now. Everybody loves her. I'm glad she came on board with us. Yeah,

: 23:57

she's got the kind of personality I was ready to snatch up my own programs like, Hey, he's gonna work for me. But that's the kind of energy that she brought in the the kind of authenticity that I saw from him like, wow, this is something that could really make a huge difference in the impact of other people. Because of just the I'm firm believer that a person who's seen a lot of stuff makes a great coach. Because the more you see, the more resilient you have to have. And that gives you a new perspective. So one thing I like to do, I know that I'm talking about relationships, that's kind of an ethereal way and I wanted to is okay if I just give some ideas on what it is that allows people to be able to create the kind of relationships I'm talking about.

Jen Amos: 24:42

Yeah, let's get into that. I just wanted to make sure I toss this in there but before we move on to your part Jennylyn Jason and Chandler are really talking about you know, really hats off to the military spouse and all that they you know, that you go through so I just wanted to check in with you real quick and see if you had any, any thoughts about just Really how much they were complimenting you and military spouses as a whole.

: 25:05

I so appreciate you both saying and reiterating like just how different both people are post deployment, that was that messaging I received during my husband's first or second deployment. And honestly, our time between one and two was very small. So we never really reintegrated or built much more relationship after his first deployment before he was off again. And coming back from his second one, we also PCs within 25 days of him returning. So we had like four major, like four of the like most major life stressors happen, like all within a 30 day period. And so it didn't really set us up well, especially with thinking that we were going to come back and just be who we knew the other one was really two years before, because we've done two deployments. And so I just really appreciate your all's care and concern and reiteration of that because it's true, it's very true. And it's a hard thing to navigate when you think that you're doing it wrong. Because nobody told you that, that was actually a thing.

: 26:23

Right. And this is one thing that I'm very passionate about helping people overcome is this, I don't know where to go next. And then things kind of are up in the air, and that's when the proverbial excrement hits the proverbial fan, and definitely does not bode very well, I'm very sorry that you had to learn it the hard way. But it seems like this is the common theme of the military, because like I said, most people have forgotten how to create relationships the right way. And so they kind of do it an ad hoc just by what they see and what they feel in themselves, rather than really funny or what is important, which is finding out more about the person they're with, rather than sticking to their own beliefs. And this kind of sets up what I want to talk about, but I want to make sure that we actually finished discussing, I know that you were getting into you were talking to genuine about her experience. Genuine Do you mind if I ask you how many deployments has it had your husband on

: 27:24

the he's just done that too, but one was were Navy, so one was the traditional Navy on a ship deployment. And about five months post return from that one, he was pulled for an IA. So then he really did a traditional army deployment, which is something that as a Navy family, we were completely unprepared for what that was going to look like, how that was going to be. And on the spouse side, while I've had great mentorship, and you know, senior spouse leadership in my life, not one of them had ever done an IA and so it left me kind of flailing around. Like I don't even know who to talk to about this stuff, because none of my friends have done it this way. So it's definitely an interesting dynamic. And we're probably setting up for CDD. Here again, real soon. So deployments are on our horizon in the near future. But yeah, just to but they were back to back and both so extraordinarily different, but they often feel like they were mucked along.

Unknown Speaker: 28:31

I'm unfamiliar with the term ay ay, what does that mean?

: 28:34

So he was an individual Augmentee. So basically, especially during kind of the height of post 911 conflict, when they were running short of people, for like traditional ground deployments, they would pull people from other services like navy and air force to fill billets that they could not fill with Army and Marines, Army soldiers or Marines. So my husband got pulled for one of those positions. So he accompanied a ground deployment to Afghanistan, and was outside the wire quite a bit, which was as a Navy family, not something we were prepared for. And we continued to be asked like, so what ship is Yan? And we're like Afghanistan is land lot. Like there is like, there is no ship, you know? So I mean, it was just kind of weird all around. And, like I said, did not really set us up well, for reintegration. What is his job? He's public affairs. So he he basically does PR for the Navy. And over in Afghanistan, his role was really, he was on a PRT Provincial Reconstruction Team. So they're like helping rebuild, we're versus seek and destroy. So his job was really to be the liaison between his commanding officer and the Afghan community. So he had to know like, who the directors of different services were and why they were meeting with certain people and what the meetings were for. So he really spent a lot of time out in The Afghan town they were in meeting with Afghan officials and connecting his CEO and trying to get American services and Afghan services aligned.

: 30:10

Awesome. It's amazing how in the last 20 years, all the services got put together the one another to be on the Battlefront, they found a way to augment, take more and more together as an Army guy. We talked major crap about other services. And then likewise, it helps us get rid of stress. And we have Marines in Charlie Mike life, and we kid them by eating crayons. But it helps relieve the stress. And a lot of people don't understand that. In the spouse, they first get into that they're like, Wow, what did he just say? He just said, there's about what, and then they learn to talk smack back. And then the civilian life, people don't have any idea. And they're shocked that that kind of communication, teamwork goes on. But the women in the military, and the spouses and even the husbands or spouses too, and they get overlooked quite a bit. But they put up with a lot. You know, there are shares of the homefront. And they will get looked at, like male souls. Fill in Yeah, that's wars hard is very difficult. But that spouse goes through that in a different way. They're going to get this call, you know, hoping they get a chat online, just little things to make their day better, has to happen. Otherwise, they're a wreck. And rightfully so their life has been thrown upside down. And they have to deal with it. Like they had a big issue with female soldiers in forehead going through all kinds of crap. And honestly, female military members have gone through so much in a very male dominated world, but they've came out of it kicking butt. There's some badass women in the military. I love that one. Love them on email, my Facebook, I'll post things about females kicking butt too. You know, it's, it's just together environment. Men and women nowadays. Go through it together, where it never happened before.

Jen Amos: 32:42

You're cool. Chandler. I just thought I'd say that. I appreciate you. I appreciate you being here.

Unknown Speaker: 32:49

Along with along with him, because he's, you know.

Jen Amos: 32:53

Yeah. So Jason, I know that you had some advice that you want to share with our listeners today. So can you go ahead and elaborate on what advice you'd like to share with us and, and yeah, just lay down just lay down for us.

: 33:05

Sure. So relationship building really comes down to three things and only three things humility, curiosity and collaborative Enos, the humility is being able to put aside your own emotions, the the humility to kind of realize that what you're feeling in that moment, when you are relating with someone else doesn't matter. Because the only person who can really appreciate your feelings, is you. And it's not possible for someone else to understand what it is you're feeling once you share. But when you are first relating with someone or reintegrating with someone, you're sharing your emotions at times unappropriate. Because what you're seeking is to create a sense of reunification with someone else. And that requires you putting aside your emotions in order to become curious about what the other person's thinking and feeling, how it is they are, and what it is, they need to feel safe enough to open up about what it is they feel, what it is, they think and how they can be supported. And once you know how a person feels, and you've been able to put aside your own feelings for that time, you now have a sense of collaborative fondness. And I use the word collaborative gnus specifically over collaboration because in order to collaborate, you first have to have the willingness to do so which the mine of collaborative this and when you have that mind you Okay, so this is how you're feeling. This is how I'm feeling now it's time for me to share, how is it that we can make sure that all these things come together in a way that we can move forward. And when you have all three of those things checked off, that's when you create harmony in a relationship. And that's when you create the ability to move forward to create a strong lasting bond, whether it's a bond of a love of marriage, whether it's a bond of a business relationship, whether it's the bond of strong friendship, a family member, it doesn't matter these Three rules always apply to every single relationship that you can create.

Jen Amos: 35:06

Powerful, you know, because I've been through your program, Jason, it's a refresher, you know, from what you have taught me. And I was thinking for myself that, you know, one of the biggest lessons I learned from working with you is, what do you call it, like you say, creating that space for someone to open up when you're curious about something. And so, you know, one of the tough things about 2024, my husband, and I was realizing that we both had completely different love languages, and we needed to find the communication to bridge that gap. And part of that was, at least on my end, you know, to know that my needs and feelings mattered, and that what I was going through mattered, and that I needed to make that a priority in our relationship and present it to him, you know, and say, Hey, this is what I'm going through, like, what are your thoughts on it? You know, what I mean? And whatever he does, whatever he shares, I remember you said something like, if he doesn't want to share anything more than, you know, that's all you can do, you created that space for him to express himself. Now, I could get better at creating a safe space. But the point is that I made that space for him to express himself. And that is my sole responsibility was having done that, you know, and so the beauty I mean, you know, fast forward to today, you know, thanks to also couples counseling from Cohen's. So shout out to Cohen here, you know, just being able to continuously I think that relationship building, you wouldn't have the word building, if it was a continuous thing, you have to continue to work on the relationship. So even though I worked on myself with you, Jason, I continued to work on that relationship building with my husband with Scott. And fortunately, you know, we were able to do that in counseling,

: 36:50

that all rings very true. And I would add that while all that you can do is provide that space, there is a way that you can invite to share more just by asking, is there anything else, and just being willing to after that shut up, and allow them to talk until he's done talking, and then saying that be grateful for what has been shared? And at the same time, as is there anything else until you get the response, if there's nothing else, and then you know, that everything that needed to be shared has been shared, and has been accepted with gratitude, because it's not what you feel about it, it's what they believe is their reality, accepting that what they believe as their reality is their reality? And then working from that?

Jen Amos: 37:32

Yeah, that's powerful. So, you know, like I said, I've heard this number of times now, and obviously, when I brought you back on the show, and I had to edit it, so I've heard this a couple of times around, but genuine, I know you're hearing this for the first time. So I wanted to get your thoughts on what Jason has shared. I mean,

: 37:46

I'm hearing it for the first time from Jason, but with the amount of mental health treatment that myself and my own family have gone through that, I mean, really, that creating space is something that is so needed, because it is so powerful, you know, especially my boys are nine and almost 11. And that's one of the things that we have really worked through all the couples counseling tools we have, you know, that's something we've really worked on with our boys, because one, they're so close in age, they're naturally competitive to their boys, also naturally competitive. And three, they grew up. I mean, they were very, actually gave birth to our second son one month into my husband's first deployment. So like, they really grew up and their little minds and bodies were shaped during the time that was hardest for our family. And that has had residual effects. And so, you know, one of the things we're working on with them is like, hey, just getting the space. Like, it just is a constant narrative and drumbeat in our house. Because, you know, I and my husband, as adults, like had to learn it as adults kind of the hard way. And hopefully, we're able to now provide that space for our kids and help them provide that space for each other.

: 39:05

That communication is everything was a couple, you know, sight of why you fell in love to begin with. You don't want to stifle someone's emotion, or the communication, let them speak. Let them air it out. That might be very beneficial to their sanity, just to be able to vent and know that you care. Yeah. I've learned that coaching in relationships. You have to keep the other person in mind, no matter what you do your team now. You're not by yourself. You know, they're not one of the bros of citizens. They're your significant other, treat them like that. They deserve that. Now, if you don't, you're not going to be successful. Most people get together for a very good Reason.

Jen Amos: 40:01

Right? Wow. Well, I feel like we dropped so much knowledge today in relationship advice. So I think this wasn't just useful for our listeners. But for Jenny Lynn, and I am sure. So thank you both for doing that for us. Let's go ahead and really wrap up in terms of talking about Charlie Mike life itself. So I'm curious to know, and Chandler or Jason, either of you can answer this. How do you prequalify coaches to be on board with you guys,

: 40:27

it's up to the coach. I mean, if they're certified great, doesn't mean they're a good coach. Listen to the code, spot, another track record, their reputation, some are brand new, but can be very awesome at it. You gotta give everyone a chance. Get a new coach, who cannot learn under a more experienced coach for the first time out, they can learn some very good things I learned from Jason, all the coaches, the coaches do, and just get to be open, be willing to listen, learn your craft, educate yourself as much as you can. You'll never go wrong. But everything is not the same. You can't expect every instance to be the same as the last one. Everybody's different. People screw up by having a big ego. And one of the things is Charlie, my assistant, hey, no egos. Or team, even in the hierarchy, you talk to each other and tell each other what you feel. If I screw up, tell me so I can fix it. You know, they do. Tell me. They do tell me I love it. Because I grow every day. I am humbled in that I get people like Jason like chillin like Michelle, like Angela, that believed in my vision, and really made me push myself. And it was great. And I try to tell others, get something more bigger than yourself. Be a part of it. Don't make it all about you. Because it's not

Jen Amos: 42:20

beautiful. Jason just wanted to see if there's anything you wanted to add to that.

: 42:23

Yeah, so for me, they have to be teachable, yeah, have to be willing to learn. And they have to be willing to learn something new. Because I don't care how good of a coach you are, you don't know everything. And there's going to be blind spot in the way that you do the you interact with other people. I believe that a coach needs a coach. And I believe that a coach is a valuable resource for just anyone who is willing to accept it. And when I'm working with someone, I do have a preference of interacting with people who want to be coached to the child, Mike, who are veterans who do have that knowledge because then being a veteran means that I don't have to worry about their lack of knowledge about what a soldier would an airman what a seaman what a marine I've gone through, they have a good idea. I mean, I'm in the army. And I have a pretty good idea of what Jacqueline's husband has had to go through it, because the basic training is all the same. And it's all about the selfless sacrifice that we all give. It's all about that discipline that we all have to have all about that structure that we all sign up for, and the purpose that we've all been driving towards. So because I understand that I can understand one the kind of struggle that they had to go through through to two deployments, with a five month reprieve in between both and then PCs. And shortly after the second deployment, oh, my god, the amount of emotional turmoil and trauma that must have created Holy crap. That's like, wow, I don't know if you've ever heard of EFT. But man, that's, that's something that that I can definitely work on. But just the emotional rollercoaster that creates, it can be a breaking point for relationship like, dude, I'm done. Like, take your things and go because I can't deal with this anymore. I mean, there have been situations when a relationship fails because of all of the stress that goes on, and the inability to check in with one another to make sure I'm okay. Are you okay? And what can I do to help you be more okay than what you already are? And both people doing that is what creates a strong bond. And so when a coach has that kind of wherewithal, through being a veteran, that makes it a lot easier, it's not a requirement, but just makes it a lot easier. And like I said, being coachable. Being able to see that you got the strategies, you've got the tactics, do you know how to connect? Do you really really know how to connect with another person so that they can feel in alignment with you and be willing to open up in a way that they've never opened up anyone else other than their spouse or their parents with a priest?

Jen Amos: 44:59

Wow, powerful Oh, I just feel like you keep dropping more like relationship knowledge, relationship advice, and I absolutely love it. Now let's talk a little bit about the people who we want to benefit the most from Charlie like Mike life. How do people learn about Charlie Mike life to begin with, aside from podcasting, of course, being a podcast shows, but how do they learned about it? And how do you qualify them, you know, to work with you guys,

: 45:22

we need to get verification of their veteran status or gold star status, to get advantage of our program to sign up, they'll go through a introduction, they'll get with a coach, find out what's needed. Feel a little Marie, would you call it Jason? This guy with a pillow? Oh, that is the discovery call, give us your recall. And that way they need set up to find out what is right for them. What Kelly coaches right for them. Because there's many different niches out there. So we want to make sure the right coach with the right veteran slash client makes it the best it can be. Because not every coach is going to be right for them. Right? Very beneficial for like I said, Charlie michaelides.org, we're adding more things to our site, we had to rebuild it. And we're doing a good job getting redone, it just takes a little time. We're gonna have veteran business of the month, a coaching corner of the month coaching the month, we're gonna do a podcast section, of course, you get the very first slide ever. Cool. We're gonna add more and more to it as we go as we deem necessary. I get crazy with ideas sometimes. And Jason will have to ground me. And that's good, though. You know, something's working, something's down, but we talked about it. Hit her website, you can go to coaching at Charles Lake life.org. And send us an email. And we'll get back in contact with you and get a discovery call setup to get someone going on it.

Jen Amos: 47:21

Awesome. Thank you, Chandler for that. Thank you for the call to actions. For Charlie Mike life, Jason, just want to see if there's anything else you wanted to add?

: 47:29

Really, I mean, Charlie's chance that at all he was he gave all the information about how to how to reach us, and how to get involved. And really, that's the easiest way, whether you want to be a coach, or whether you want to be a client, or you just curious, visit the website, go through the click the link and answer the questions, and we'll get back to you. We'll figure out how we can best help you.

Jen Amos: 47:51

Beautiful. Wow, guys, plus Jennylyn. I've really loved our conversation today. It's just great to see I mean, first of all to see Chandler's face, because I've only seen your picture on LinkedIn. So it's great to finally see you visually in this capacity. And you know, Jason, obviously, it's great to see you as always. And who knows, maybe I'll take you up on that offer to be on the show more often. We'll see. We'll see. We'll see no promises. Before we go. I just wanted to check in with Jenny Lynn. One last time. Anything else you wanted to share?

: 48:23

Sounds like people need to go check out Charlie Mike life. I mean, relationship building, it's a thing.

Jen Amos: 48:29

It's so needed. Awesome. All right. Well, everyone, it's been such an absolute pleasure having you all here today. Thank you so much. I just want to make sure I don't Yeah, I just want to make sure I don't miss out on anything. So any final final anything from anyone?

: 48:46

When it comes to transitioning from from the military. You have the resources that the military provides to you and they will they will be great that you may find that there's some there are some questions that you have funny on where to go next is absolutely crucial. So it's more than just trying to get our name out there. It's really how it how is it that we can help you being able to reintegrate to civilian life? So that's really the biggest key. And that's one of the reasons why we do have this have children like life so that we can help those people. So yeah, go to the website.

Jen Amos: 49:21

Yes, absolutely. Awesome. Well, everyone, I have really enjoyed our conversation today. We're going to have the after party after this recording. Until then, to our listeners, we hope that this episode gave you one more piece of knowledge, resource or relevant story so that you can continue to make confident and informed decisions for you and your family. Thank you all so much for joining us and we'll chat with you in the next episode. Tune in next time.

Unknown Speaker: 49:47

This read Thank you, Jim. I appreciate it very much.

Jen Amos: 49:50

My pleasure.

Share Episode

Shownotes

Transcripts

Follow

Links

Chapters

Video

More from YouTube