In this week's podcast we look at pre-holiday behavior spikes through a problem-solving lens. Instead of “How do we punish this?” we ask, “What skill is missing?” She models restorative conversations, shares reflection tools that build self-awareness, and walks through calm-down strategies that help students regulate before you problem-solve.

Key takeaways

• Behavior = communication. Shift from “what’s wrong with the student?” to “what’s happening for the student?”
• Use restorative approaches: understand harm, take responsibility, repair relationships, restore trust.
• Reflection > reaction: guided behavior reflection sheets connect thoughts, feelings, needs, and next steps.
• Regulation first: you can’t consequence a child into calm; teach calming tools, then problem-solve.
• Mindset shift: connection before correction; growth over guilt.

Try-it-now tools

Restorative questions:

• What happened? • What were you thinking/feeling? • Who was affected & how? • What makes it right? • What will you do next time?

Behavior Reflection prompts:

• Trigger • Feeling • Need • Better choice next time • Who to repair with & how (what a real apology looks/sounds like).

Calm-down strategies:

• Square/5-finger breathing, grounding (5–4–3–2–1), movement/water break, sensory tools (rings, stress balls), feelings check-ins/thermometers.

Scenario highlight

• “Jayden in the line”: Instead of office + lecture, Carol uses a brief restorative chat/circle + reflection sheet to move from guilt to growth and repair.

Counselor moves to start this week

1. Model restorative conversations (skip “Why did you do that?”).
2. Teach emotion language (feeling wheels, visuals, daily check-ins).
3. Build a Behavior Reflection Toolkit for you and teachers.

Quote to remember

“Punishment might stop the behavior, but it doesn’t heal what’s underneath. Problem-solving does.”

Connect

• Follow Carol on IG: @counselingessentials
• Share what’s in your calm-down kit and tag the show!

Think Sheets

Grab the Show Notes: Counselingessentials.org/podcast

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Connect with Carol:

• TpT Store
• Counseling Essentials Website
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• Elementary School Counselor Exchange Facebook Group
• Caught In The Middle School Counselors Facebook Group
• High School Counselor Connection Facebook Group

Mentioned in this episode:

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Carol: You're listening to the Counselor Chat podcast, a show for school counselors looking for easy to implement strategies, how to tips, collaboration, and a little spark of joy. I'm Carol Miller, your host. I'm a full time school counselor and the face behind counseling essentials. I'm all about creating simplified systems, data driven practices, and using creative approaches to engage students. If you're looking for a little inspiration to help you make a big impact on student growth and success, you're in the right place. Because we're better together. Ready to chat? Let's dive in.

Carol: Hey everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Counselor Chat. I'm your host, Carol Miller. And if your school is feeling a little extra spicy right now, you're not imagining it. This is the time between Halloween and winter break and it's prime season for behaviors. I mean, the excitement's high, the routines are off, the sugar is still circulating, and let's face it, we're all counting down the days to a little peace on earth and goodwill towards, well, quiet. But instead of defaulting to consequences and punishments, this time of year is really the perfect time to lean into something better. Reframing behavior through a problem solving lens. So in today's episode, we're going to talk all about how to move from what's going wrong with the student to what's happening for the student. I mean, we're going to look at how restorative approaches, reflection tools and some calm down strategies can really turn discipline moments into learning opportunities. So let's start with a truth. We all know the weeks leading up to the holidays bring out some pretty big feelings in our students. And honestly, it can in us too. I mean, schedules shift, there's more stimulation, and many of our kids are carrying some extra stress. Maybe there's financial worries at home, there's family tension, there's sensory overload, or it's the unknown of long breaks. And for some students, when their world feels unpredictable, the only thing that they can control is their behavior. And so that's why right now you might be seeing the student who's suddenly defiant about all small things. The one who's being extra silly or he's or is really attention seeking, or the student who's completely shuts down and avoids work altogether. And so instead of thinking they're being disrespectful, I really like to pause and reframe it as this student is communicating something they just don't have the words for. I mean, I mean, it's a subtle shift, but it really changes everything. When we start to reframe behavior, we stop asking, I think as a school community, how do I punish this? And we start asking, what skill is missing. I think of behavior as communication. I mean, every single action is an attempt to get a need met, even if it's through the wrong strategy. That student who blurts out constantly, maybe they're craving connection or recognition. The one who refuses to work, maybe they're just protecting themselves from failure. That one who's constantly arguing, maybe they need to feel in control because everything else feels so uncertain. When we view behavior through this restorative lens, it really takes us out of the power struggle mindset and puts us in the problem solving seat. And instead of punishment, we start to focus on repair, reflection and restoration. Now, in my school, we don't have a dean of students or an assistant principal. And I'm going to be honest here, I kind of fill that role a lot. But the kids all know that when I'm talking to them, we're working through problems. Because my job in all of this is not to hand out the consequence. I always tell them, you know, there still might be some sort of consequence. You might get lunch, detention, you might have to do something with the teacher. Our principal might ask you, she might be calling home and talking to your parents. But with me, we're going to figure out what we need to do here. How do we repair all the damage that's been done? So what does this actually look like in practice? Let's just imagine a student right now. We'll call him Jaden, and he shoves a classmate in line. And I think the old school response for this situation would have been, go sit in the office. You should have known better. But if we're using a restorative response, we would say something like, hey, Jaden, I can tell you were frustrated. Come on, let's talk about what happened and what needs to be done to make things right. Because a restorative approach, it really focuses understanding the harm. So who was affected and how, Taking responsibility. What was your part in what happened? Repairing that relationship or relationships and what can be done to fix it or to make it better and then also restoring the trust. How will we move forward together? Sometimes that conversation happens in a really quick hallway chat, but sometimes it's in a community circle. Sometimes it's sitting with them and working through a think sheet. But the goal, it's always the same. It's always about growth and not guilt. And when we use restorative questions instead of punitive statements, kids really Start to realize I'm not a bad kid, I made a mistake and I can fix it. And we, when we have them, start to think that and to believe that. That's really empowerment. I talked with a lot of kids and when the kids come in and they're like, I know I'm bad, I'm like, no, you're not bad. Maybe you made a bad decision, but that doesn't define who you are as a person. You're not a bad kid. It was just a mistake. What can we do to fix it? One of my absolute favorite tools to use when emotions are super high is a behavior reflection sheet. And it's not the old think sheet in the past where students just wrote what did I do wrong? It's really a guided reflection that helps them connect thoughts, feelings, and choices. And it includes prompts like, what was happening right before the problem? How are you feeling? What did you need in that moment? What could you do differently next time? Is there anyone you need to talk to or apologize to? And even what does an apology look like or sound like? When we start to really ask these questions, it helps our students to slow down and it really builds their self awareness. And when you pair it with restorative follow up, like having them share the reflection with the teacher or a peer that they impacted, that's when true accountability happens. I always like to give my kids time to go and make that apology on their own. And we do, we talk through what does an apology look like, what does this sound like, what makes an apology believable and real? And do I need to do more than just apologize? Is there something else I have to do as well? Like I broke their pencil, maybe I can give them one that I had I was saving. We talk about things like this and how we can really make it up to somebody if they. And we always talk about who else was impacted by this, who else maybe got upset, who else was harmed, what other relationships really need to be fixed. And a lot of times, even if they're having issues with peers in their class, if it's happening in the classroom, well, they also might have a relationship with their teacher that they have to work on as well. And so then we talk about that. What could we have done differently next time? Or what can we do differently next time? How can I ask my teacher for help? How can I let my teacher know that I'm struggling so that I don't explode, or I don't have a meltdown, or I don't want to reach out and hit My neighbor. And when we do that, it really affects them for the long term. Now let's talk about the other side of behavior and that's regulation. Because before we can really problem solve students, they need to be calm enough to think clearly. And that's where our calm down strategies really come in. I always remind teachers, you can't logic a kid out of a meltdown. I mean, you can't consequence them into calm. Sometimes the best thing we can do is to help them find tools to bring their nervous system back to neutral. And so probably just like you, some of my, really my go to calm down strategies, they're going to include the breathing tools. I like to use five finger breathing or square breathing. A lot of things that they can do on their own even. We're going to smell this. We're going to, you know, smell the soup and blow it to cool it or the hot chocolate or whatever. But we're going to maybe use some breathing tools. We also have some sensory items. I am not a big fan of sand or putty or anything that they can really touch. I do have. That's gooey, I should say. I just think I have an issue with it. It's just gross in my opinion. But I do have other tools for kids. I like the little prickly rings. I forget exactly what they're called, but they have like little spines on them and you can roll them up and down your finger and they kind of hurt, but they also feel great at the same time. It's kind of a weird sensation. The kids love them. In addition to the rings, we have some zipper bracelets. We have some stress balls. We have of course the Poppets and some other tools as well. And I have a basket of those in my room so we might get those out. Maybe it's just movement, a quick walk, stretch. Go get some water today. I told a kid, why don't you go and into the bathroom and splash some cold water on your face. That always can make a big difference. As well as some reflection visuals like feeling charts, some check ins. What's my temperature thermometer? Where am I feeling on this chart? So we can have some reflection visuals as well. And for the older kiddos, I do love some really quick grounding questions. What are three things that you can see right now? What are two things that you can touch? What is one thing that you can hear with the little guys, I'll, I'll say look around and find five things that are red. Give me find. Now two things that are purple. What Are what's one thing that starts with the letter A? Just to have them look around and be in the moment. Because what we want to do is we want to teach them how to calm, not just tell them to calm down. And if we can start to really build those strategies into our classroom lessons before the holiday hit, we're really giving teachers a gift that they're going to thank us for in December. So if you're looking for ways to make this shift in your building, here are three quick counselor moves that you can start using right now. The first is to model reflective conversations. When a student gets sent to you, use restorative questions instead of a lecture and try to avoid the why did you do that? It is like the one question that I know that if I ask why did you do that? Kids, they're just going to shut right down. So use those restorative questions. What do you think was going on for you? What might make things better? How are you feeling when that happened? How did you feel afterwards? Did it make you feel any better? Did you feel worse? So if you didn't feel great afterwards, what could have been a better choice? Number two of a counselor tool to try out is to really teach emotion language. Students can't regulate what they can't name. It's important to use feeling wheels, emotion cards, or check ins to help them build vocabulary for what they're feeling. I have big posters in my room and in the little hallway that leads to my room with all different emotions on it. And the kids love to go up and down and pick out how they're feeling. And if they're having trouble naming it, it's great to have them look at the pictures and say, this one, this is how I'm feeling. So we always want to be teaching them that emotion language. And number three of the counselor tools to try is to create a behavior reflection toolkit. I mean, have a set of reflection sheets, some calm down visuals, and some conversation prompts ready to go. And don't be afraid to share them with teachers so that they can handle those low level behaviors proactively themselves. Because when we start shifting from punishment to problem solving, we're not letting students off the hook. We're actually putting them on the hook for growth. So here are a few of my favorite restorative questions to use. Whether you're in a small group, a hallway chat, or even in a full circle in a classroom, what happened? What were you thinking and feeling at the time? Who was affected and how? What do you need to do to make things right. And what can you do next time to handle this differently? Those are simple, they're powerful, and yet they're so effective. So as we head into this busy, high energy stretch just before the holidays, I want you to try this mindset shift. Instead of thinking about behavior as something to manage, think of it as something to understand. Instead of consequences that isolate, use conversations that connect. Because punishment might stop the behavior, but it doesn't heal what's underneath. Problem solving does. And when students learn to really identify their emotions, reflect on their choices, and repair relationships, that's when true behavior change sticks. And the best part of all of this? It transforms your role from the fixer to the coach. I mean, you're not putting out fires, you're teaching fire prevention. So counselor friends, as you brace for the holiday chaos, keep your calm down kits ready, your restorative questions close, and your problem solving mindset strong. And remember, connection before correction, reflection, overreaction, and growth over guilt. Because that's how we turn our behavior challenges into and to teachable moments. Now. Until next time. Keep noticing, keep connecting and keep doing the amazing work that only you can do. And you are doing so many amazing things. Until next time, my friends. I hope you have a really great week. Bye for now.

Carol: Thanks for listening to today's episode of Counselor Chat. All all of the links I talked about can be found in the show notes and at counselingessentials.org podcast. Be sure to hit follow or subscribe on your favorite podcast player. And if you would be so kind to leave a review, I'd really appreciate it. Want to connect? Send me a DM on Facebook or Instagram at counselingessentials.

Carol: Until next time.

Carol: Can't wait till we chat. Bye for now.