00:00:31And also Kelly is amazeballz. So you're going to want to listen to the whole show. My name is Jan McFarland. I help business owners, like you lead plan and execute their projects for Maximum Impact. Women-led businesses receive less funding yet. Our businesses are more successful as consumers. We hold the purse strings. It's time for us to take on the business. World. Welcome to women conquer business.

00:01:44It was then that she became reacquainted with her former creative self and dreamed again of becoming a published. Writer Kelly is a spoonie author, podcast co-host on Turner. It's self care, Advocate, living with chronic pain and invisible illness. Her mission is to show the world that a medical diagnosis does not have to mark, the end of one story. Kelly is a freelance journalist. A virtual entrepreneur in network marketing, with Rodan & Fields, skin care, and co-host of one of my favorite podcast, non mom happy hour.

00:02:25I just think you're so incredible. You know, I mean the whole story and I didn't, I'd never heard the term spoonie before.

00:02:59If I did, I can't remember it right now in theory and something written by a woman with lupus.

00:03:18What it was like to be hurt.

00:03:37Like 13, so she's holding.

00:03:52How many spoons in like she's like. So I'm going to go through a list of things that you do for out the day after cavities. The pretty much, we all have to do throughout the day. You told me. How many do you think that would take me to do the end of the day? We'll see how many friends you have, what?

00:04:43and it kind of just took off as this metaphor really took off and a lot of people identified with it and it became a way to say, like,

00:05:14If I am to bow out of a commitment or something else, I don't have enough room for that right now or I used up all my phone already today, you know, I'll maybe I can do. I can't make it to the baby shower, but I'll bring you a gift on another day and we can visit and have lunch, you know, and I've had to do that because

00:06:14My day-to-day life quite a bit.

00:06:26nobody wants to say that they can't do something.

00:07:19I was always an overachiever and perfectionist.

00:07:37I'll take better care of myself when I get more, financially stable. And I just never took care of myself. I never address the things that I need to address like.

00:08:38So that exasperated a lot and I didn't want to get her a while ago, talking with very dark place, mentally, and I didn't, I don't want to go back if I have to be at work with my therapist, a lot on training, my subconscious in the messages that I send my phone.

00:09:04I try not to use the word should or

00:09:10Or supposed to say yeah, because the arbitrary right?

00:09:49Social obligation, the manners, and all these different things.

00:10:29Like if I catch myself thinking I'm I'm 37 years old. I'm supposed to be able to work like a normal person and what's normal, right? Exactly. And and now it's kind of what the conclusion I came to.

00:11:05And I wanted to demonstrate the other people that a diagnosis or is that the diagnosis don't have to be at the end of your story.

00:11:25So, I just had to get freed about ways to keep myself busy and, and I came up with hashtag business couch, and I talked a lot about your, your liquor hero or can't see up right now. So y'all, I'm in my pajamas in bed and with my laptop and everything, because I'm having a thing for her, that makes it difficult to walk. And

00:11:59It's not worth putting my body and safety at risk to try and force my body to do things.

00:12:10We're more important than our paycheck, believe it or not. I totally believe it. I we have more in common than I knew. I just thought that we were like Kick-Ass women who were smart asses. I

00:12:56Out there that have something going on in their lives and they spend so much time. Hiding it.

00:13:41I also work in a government position in the state government position back in Michigan.

00:14:12and,

00:15:09Very weird.

00:15:57Shoving through and then one day they were like, all right, have her guess what? You can't walk now.

00:16:17The pain was otherworldly, and I was having suicidal ideations everyday for almost a year.

00:16:43Doctor, after doctor, after doctor accused me of making up some donuts exaggerating symptoms, not wanting to work, you know.

00:17:00They equate with hysteria because the root word for those of you who don't know of uterus, if you Toronto, which is the Greek word for hysteria, and that, that has corn to us.

00:17:33Right? And they don't say that to a dude, you know, they did that to a Woman. They said that to us, you know, but I remember I listen to that podcast episode where you were talking about.

00:18:04He was supposed to be an advocate for me and he was supposed to help get me through special. If you could help me figure out what was going on, but he was working again for a really long time. And she was always questioning was I really disabled and it and you would Define it. Like you really going to drive yourself here today and then I can sit upright for about 3 hours a day. Who's going to hire? I can sit upright for about 3 hours a day on a good day. I have about three to four productive hours and a total. And I have to take nap and take breaks in between. I'm on medication that can cause sedation and dry. Eyes are always different things.

00:19:26Not freak out when I can't check things off this newest, you know, but

00:20:05I do not. I choose not to use opioids or narcotics unless it's for like a post surgical recovery because there's a diction on both sides. My family that

00:20:54so,

00:21:19In addition to the ruptured disc in my neck, and the stuff that was going on up there. I have a ruptured disc at my T12 with your throat until 1.

00:21:51And they ran every test conceivable or bulging disc.

00:22:19So when I saw the neurologist in June of this year alone, lately of this year, he was like, they're all idiots. Basically. He was like he was like, why did nobody ordered more MRIs? I mean, said, you have foot drop.

00:22:52And here is like you, there's no, there's something seriously wrong. So I have another ruptured disc which has caused by spinal cord in coordination and in the lower part of my fine, so I'm going, I had a spinal cord stimulator implant in December to help with the pain. I had the spinal fusion in July and the next stop is on September, 4th my surgeon and she will decide.

00:23:44so my wife turned upside down and changed very quickly overnight and went from being a person who worked too hard for that money and and a lot of aches and pains to suddenly I couldn't walk but it's not the end of my story and so,

00:24:17I don't know.

00:24:45And I said, yeah, I like rain. There's two things. I know about myself and I hate and I can't help it one. Is that? I'm a writer and truth. I'm an advocate. And so my days of marching and traveling to go give speeches about US foreign policy and how it impacts developing nations. Like, all that stuff is. But I can still be an advocate with my words and that's why I shared equally and openly about the mental health and my physical house when it comes to my skincare business, the podcast.

00:25:47and I guess,

00:26:17It's the best advice I have. Yeah.

00:26:24The work that you're doing now is incredibly important.

00:26:29It is and you might have heard me say this on my podcast. So our podcast is a non mom. Happy hour. We are the podcasts that celebrate real and human women whether they use their big box or not, and we're

00:27:22Play the mom for newer, or, you know, whatever and do we be? We would be attending training with their workshops and he writes our conversation with trains, you like and I do all this for my kids because it's all about me.

00:28:05my kid, I never wanted to have children ever and I've lost friends because of that like I had some really it's like you don't understand cuz you don't have a family and I was like

00:28:34no, you don't get it like and I I didn't like the person I just was like

00:28:52Yep, and I run into that. So, any time or like, especially working in the world that you're the one person that doesn't have kids. Got to backtrack to do all the unpaid overtime. Yeah, and it used to be, we were starving better because like I be working on a Saturday.

00:29:44I don't give a shit about your kids birthday party or social obligations. Like I have a dog at home. That need to be walked a certain times a day. I'm taking care of. I was by myself, single income. Do I need to do? I can really use you right now rate?

00:30:18In some classified from how you know, if you don't have kids as a woman in the Working World.

00:30:32You couldn't possibly have anything else to do or if you do. It's not as important. And therefore, it's okay for you to be working. And I'm like, no, it's not, and I did it too. I didn't sue. I worked a lot and then then you get to add to that like I'm still a woman so I'm not making as much as other people in anybody who thinks that that shit doesn't happen in government and nonprofit. They're fooling themselves. Yeah, I do the bra bra bra that broke the camel's back with this particular job that I was at. But I've been referencing where I was parked there anything in and writing grants and stuff.

00:31:21For the first time.

00:31:31And so, I saw salaries for the first time.

00:32:08And we were at Rupert's machine and I was like, nope. I'm fucking done. Where at

00:32:18And I read about it in my book. There's a couple of chapters. My first book is called Skin In the game. The stories, My Tattoos tell, and I literally write my Memoir by telling the stories behind my tattoos.

00:33:21But then, six months later. I suddenly couldn't prevent it, became my reason to get off everyday. I mean, it literally became a reason to get out of bed because suddenly I couldn't walk. I literally would walk like Shawn and stuff than a day and that was shuffling my feet because I would go to the cow to the bathroom and the back the couch and Nathan, my partner names, and I live with you as having to make a all of my food for me. I couldn't stand up long enough to make a sandwich or anything.

00:34:08Going from being a perfectionist. Overachiever super busy, nonprofit person doing nothing. My business became my wife lies and it it gave me a reason to get out of bed and gave me a reason to talk to people and socialize with people all over the country and all over the world. It led me to finding a lot of support group. I need some of my best friends and random marketing Mastermind group, Debbie Jo. And I we starting podcast last July but y'all been friends since like forever and a day and all kinds of stuff. I mean, everybody says that all remains like, know you sound like you've been best friends for twenty years.

00:35:32I don't know. I had real bad side effects for medication and I ended up hospitalized at one point for serotonin syndrome because of the same. I accidentally did that to myself. Once if you really mine is because my doctor that they wanted, gaslighted me.

00:36:02Yeah, I was at I went to I had just started taking some medication. I went to an allergist and

00:36:51Like basically an attack. I told you I only took one so I had to go home and I was talking to a counselor who is offering to let you know. My friend is also my scriber who was like I'll take you home and I had a friend, take me home and I didn't end up in the hospital.

00:37:45We balance each other really well and our podcast. There's a lot of fun, the end people, and it's important and it helps people. So what happened with me is I woke up one morning.

00:38:33I went it was just was in February. 2018. I went to go into the kitchen and all the sudden.

00:39:15Most people take like 300 to 600 mg a day of Gabapentin to block nerve pain.

00:39:28I called the pharmacist and I said these are the symptoms and I having a reaction to my medication and the pharmacist looks like you're having fun trying it up at the hospital and nobody wanted to believe it was what it was.

00:40:49Try your luck, I mean, like I took it once cuz I wasn't taking else. I saw Stars. Everything. I felt under water too. Like I'm texting him like calling my counselor like what, you know what she's like. Oh my God. No, you can't take those two things, you know, then she's like you just need to be like, under a blanket somewhere, which is basically what I did. I recently went home and collapse, but my friend had to like,

00:41:35Yeah, cuz she's a woman, so maybe that's part of it. She like gives a shit when I, when I got through it. All the only way to stop their opponents enormous to stop taking the medication that are causing it. At that point. I trusted no one Island place at first, they told me to cut my gabapentin and half and and stop taking with them both. I think it was, I don't know what else to do. It already kicked me into withdrawal and I was already set to perfect like heroin level with the and girls. Like, you know what, I'm not going, if I'm going to go through it and going through it all at once was partly because I'm take care of it and I don't like it when people challenge me.

00:43:12And I don't recommend it. I was very, very sick for four weeks, four weeks. They gave me a new level of a drug addict. It really did though because more than one time I said out loud. If I didn't know this was going to kill me. I might give up and start right cuz you just wanted to stop. So I don't worry. I mean, it's very courageous what you did as well.

00:44:09So they raided and shut down like a ton stores with 1 lb.

00:45:02This is what I'm going to do. Something like 500 or 700 people. Watch that video.

00:45:50And I was like Mom people expect it because so Debbie Jo and the podcast started because eventually we started doing this weekly Facebook live very near where we would talk about marketing Minecraft, how to be a Network marketer without being super gross and Sammy and making all of your friends hate you and he's trying to get rid of them stereotype that work marketers and we would go by there every week and we talked for like 45 minutes or an hour and loved every minute of it. And so they kept saying y'all.

00:46:41When you guys will talk about all that of the podcast, what you talk about women in history, you talk about what's going on in your lives. I think I know I came across one is like, oh, this is a throwback. We're going to go back and it was like, a different, totally different style. I mean, yeah, it's amazing. I, I used to have a co-host that didn't end well and podcast, go through, like, all these things, right? They just yeah. Yeah. It really is the atom, you go and that and that's the thing is like, I don't know, some people required by 7:20 and have them in the bank before they release podcast weed in Leesburg, Florida.

00:48:13Mental health, physical health through, trauma, and Recovery, disordered eating, sexual, trauma, and survive. All these different things. And we, we talk very openly about our experiences. And we also have gas on a different times that we interview that talk about things. We used to have gas every other week, but it got really difficult with the scheduling because we live at her and I live in different time zones.

00:49:25Women who were both sexual trauma survivors, and best friends, and then started a business together. And I mean, we just had some really cool people on and, but yeah, mostly we pick a personality.

00:49:59So, I did.

00:50:25I gave Charlie Chaplin credit for the poem about living life as your promotion and I like screenshot note, stuff that I found inside of my mom and I was like, it really is good poem but Charlie Chaplin and write it. And she said, wow, I'm really glad you looked up the store and find that my son has taught me anything a woman. Probably did that and stay exactly. Well. I mean, I think it was Abraham Lincoln, you said but internet is full of shit. Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah. My favorite story like that. You know, I have to catch up on some episodes of your show from my favorite story that I heard was Stagecoach, Mary.

00:51:54That's why we're doing it, and it means a lot that you say that we actually decided starting this last week. We're only going to do one woman forever because we should never say to women into an episode. There wasn't like an hour and a half long.

00:53:04I think that was the episode and it's hard to keep track of all the names and stuff. But we had several women who are trying to start inventing things. That didn't get credit for them. I'm sure she did a lot of writing as I recall. And then she was the one who is writing about her own condition, until she wants any brain tumor and she's writing about her own freaking brain, tumor symptoms of stuff. Yeah, then you start talking about your experience and I was like, oh my God, she's just like Mary. She's writing about her experience. Cuz none of these fucking men to figure out what they're supposed to do. Like, you know, like for you, it's the doctor's. But like, for her, it was like the guys in the so-called experts, you know, discounting her every step of the way as she was doing the actual work and figuring it out. You know, that's what I'm talking about.

00:54:11Little we've come in some areas. It's like, maddening.

00:54:57I was talking about the population of people that were after the Depression they were often referred to as River. Jet skis are River Rats. How do you spell kids charger Tan in Memphis Tennessee? To steal kids, especially for kids that live down the river. And they would always look for the blonde hair, blue eyes, and stuff like that. So she wrote me an email and she's like, I enjoyed your episode, but I felt like you needed to know more about the historical context and how it's like a racist term at the drawing party times for people in the Roman and like and I was like, oh I definitely want to fractions Corner that shirt and bring it up, but also shared this information on the story of us got away with it.

00:56:40Open farmland and I grew up in Flint Michigan. We could not have had work. But we tried to be very respectful of like we recognize back there. Were two white chick. They were coming from a place of white privilege. Only try not to talk about things that will feel.

00:57:49Sandpoint and talk about how we all make mistakes. But then poor thing is, if you have to own it and say, yes, I am, I acknowledge what I made a mistake. And, you know, how can I either make it right or how can I change the future? Ideally both. And then I just am very, and it's awesome because now, a lot of people are reaching out to me, like, I had made a real point of the guests being diverse. And now I get a lot of women of color you want to be on show, and I'm like, awesome. Like because that's what that's what I'm about. You know, I learned about privilege and what it was like to be the other babying in Peace Corps, but it was a very temporary situation.

00:59:31I mean we haven't had too many people.

00:59:46We had, we had a, we had a gal named hurt. Dr. Booker drip.

01:00:33And I was like, yeah, I was like, wait and so immediately restart recording and I'm like, less than white people. Wait, this is ridiculous. And we had a very Frank conversation about privilege and helping bring other people to the table and helping people, you know, in advance or three years. And I think a lot of people really appreciated that interview and our conversation because it was two white women and a and a woman of color talking about white privilege and what white people are doing that, they shouldn't be doing and also how they can be better Advocates and allies.

01:01:39yeah, I think Sid and I just so appreciate what you're doing on multiple levels because

01:01:49Not just conversations about race. I think it's also conversations about illness and hidden conditions.

01:02:20I'm talking about what it's like to be in somebody else's shoes.

01:03:05For kids with autism. And you know, it means all these different things and helped me realize that she was like, we were talking about what life is like, as

01:04:01Are exacerbated when I have to like punch over the counters, to pick up food or cooked or people don't realize that sometimes I have to go 5 days without a shower because the only working shower that we have, we only have one shower in the house. The down, the main floor, bathroom needs to be renovated Troy. If I'm having really bad pain, flares, or if I send you in my rehabilitative workout, should I do when I'm not recovering from surgery. I can't get myself up and then to take a shower, to get up the stairs and like 20 stairs and then take a shower. I did. Finally, my my best friend. Bridget.

01:05:01People just don't understand. And I'm sorry. I was, I was explaining some of that sounds like they don't get Kelly. That's not your fault. She's like, she was like one and four people. Now, 25% of the population, has some disability and our society, and our homes, and our businesses. And our museums in our public spaces, need to adapt to the 1/4 of our population. Rather than that quarter of the population, trying to adapt to everything and everyone else.

01:06:21Call about yoga essential oil. One person told me to dance it out. They said, dance it out. I was like

01:07:15And you know, I have a coach for a reason. I always say like find the expert. I'm not an expert on how to rehab my body.

01:07:30So that's another Hot Chip.

01:07:46Find a coach and expert and pay them to learn. Some shit is on.

01:07:58Keep your nose out of other people's business. Don't do not pop up in the people. GM has she's recovering from an eating disorder. And you will hear at least four episode where we talked about bitches to pop up in her DM talking about

01:08:29You know late or yeah, just don't, don't be spammy and grow. No one like that. Yeah. I have a hold podcast episode about that saying and it's basically busting on DM's us where filled episodes. Yeah, about talking about things like yoga pants. Like I have somebody who's always trying to sell me something in for an event for like, I don't know, essential oil, yoga pants, acne, cream in Spokane, Washington, and I'm like, I don't live in Spokane, Washington. Take the time to get to know me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like

01:09:31She was she was messaging me about and this is before I knew exactly what was happening. We have a firm diagnosis, but I was following the anti-inflammatory diet was very hard, some sugar. But I try to speak Tree in pain pointment or a diet and I do use supplements from a network marketing business. That one of my friends is insulting us help me with some with some of the issues that I have because on top of

01:11:02Picture that I have. And so she was like, all this great you are using both. So several weeks later. She reached out to me again and this time it was I could win a trip on a cruise. If you would buy for me, and I was like, why do I give a shit? If you ain't got nothing to do with me from my personal Facebook page and messenger so that she didn't message me anymore.

01:11:58and,

01:12:59Wait, my mind was boggles.

01:13:26In there and I've never been a part of one. But it's like, are they teaching this? What is this? Like, where does this come from? I don't know. And that's the thing is like,

01:14:06I don't know who trained these people, but like that, that shouldn't dead. Y'all, that shit is dead. No one wants to buy a star from the Hershey beds to pop up in your DM without being invited. No one, I don't do. I'm a Network marketer and I won't be like, like nobody wants that that version of network marketing is death.

01:14:45Yes, obviously, people are trained that way by really horrible train and not telling her till Mendenhall call you at lunch cuz I don't participate that I actually subscribe to the two personalities and joy, when you go to my website on my homepage is not like it at all. So skincare. The homepage is Kelly. Mendenhall is an author. Bernie podcast co-host and entrepreneurs and when you dig deeper into my website and it shows the different ways, you can work with me. My finger business is one way that you can work with. I also do professional proofreading and editing work. I do freelance journalism.

01:16:03That is not my whole identity and I never woke up one day and thought, man. I really wanted so good skin care, something. My dream was not my dream. This is a vehicle and it's cool that I'm using to help me make some of my other shirt, like, publishing my own book and like, and, and I'm really excited about book number 2, because

01:17:07I used.

01:17:19I used to go to the department store and buy Philosophy.

01:17:30I would buy the three and one body wash shampoo, and thanks a lot of terrible idea. That's not a thing, don't you? Okay.

01:18:36Aquarius, I mean that was that was me and I was like, how am I going to do it? While I was working, get provided material things to learn jumping out that we want to work late. It's like any kind of training school, right? You're not, it's not going to like it and I'm kind of a jeepney person when it comes to staff and data in science. So I got super in your reading about like all the clinical staff science behind stars in molecules and all that shit venerable.

01:20:03Okay, let's just grab school, right? Okay, data is how I live my life. I have a Fitbit so I can track my heart rate by sleeping all of that. I have an app for Blair down where yeah, it's great because you care for getting all of your different medical conditions and the different symptoms that you experience with medical conditions. And you can basically journal every day. Like

01:21:23Oh, yeah, it's a for sure thing. I I will put I have a cinnamon roll addiction because there's a local place here that makes gluten-free corn free.

01:21:49And I love, I have loved cinnamon rolls and donuts. Since I was a little kid that sound like one of my chance. So I will stop in Trailblazer eating to cinnamon rolls and then they burn break for your logic. I mean, sometimes it's kind of worth it though. I mean, I don't know. I don't know how bad the flare is, but I know that I'm not supposed to be eating gluten, then when I do, it means I'm going to suffer. And sometimes with like, yeah, you know,

01:23:18Am I going to be able to do this one thing? If I also have this thing scheduled on that day and I and Sundays?

01:23:59I've been going crazy because the rehabilitative training when I was doing I got one point where I was working out 3 days a week with my trainer and I do cardio by myself.

01:24:55I got a call.

01:25:15Like yeah, they're like you you have to talk working out right now. Like you have to take it easy. This is scary. And so every time I've only been allowed to walk,

01:25:42wanting so badly to move more, and not being able to, and then people. And I put some weight back on because I lost like 50 pounds of fat last year and low, and I had had gotten my blood pressure was under control and always always get things. Right? And then all the sudden I'm grounded and I have surgery in there. Like you have to eat extra calories in extra protein.

01:26:47There's part of me. That's hoping that I'll see the doctor on September 4th, and he'll be like, we're going to do the next surgery right away in like October and get it done. So I can get you. Some relief part of me. That is like if I don't get a few months off where I can exercise and

01:27:15Nathan, hovering over me like a helicopter Warrior.

01:27:48I just do it. I mean you still have your will this? Because you still have your mind and your will to do it?

01:28:26And I was like, what is something's wrong with my brain and thank God. It wasn't my brain. That was my spine. But yeah.

01:29:05Drove you to.

01:29:19I've had a lot of folks to I'm really happy and laughing a lot today and things are really great. But there are days when my pain is so high. I am trying and you know, I like I said the last few days I haven't been able to walk very much. I tried walking thinking that might help with pain, but it made it worse. And so

01:29:53Yes, I have suffered a lot. And this wouldn't have been the way. I probably would have chosen.

01:30:11It made me stop and re-evaluate my life. And what I was willing to do and not do, and what I was willing to settle for not so and it gave me an opportunity. I think to fulfill my true purpose, which is a writer. And I think that I experienced the things that I experienced because I'm strong enough to get through them.

01:30:54Yeah, and I have tried before on the podcast and so I am able to help so many more people now.

01:31:15Because I can reach a much broader audience.

01:31:24In a while, then I could. So for me at the black thing, even though I have. Even though, it's been frustrating, even though there were times that I thought I couldn't make it through.

01:31:49I still consider it a blessing and I still believe that life happens for you. And

01:32:02And that's what I've gone through this. I believe it.

01:32:14I am on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram, as nerds, Villa Kelly Kelly and my website is nerd Zilla kelly.com. You can find my book there, but you can also find it on Amazon and apple book and everything and do the podcast has a long long, happy hour, and you can find all of the social media Lane in Westmoreland and everything else, and happy hour. I just read that our website recently, and I'm really

01:33:09I don't think so. I feel like I've talked to your ear off. So but thank you for having me off. One of the most fun interviews. I've had, and I've been in my pajamas the whole time. So thank you for that. Sure. Not bad. For some random who's like, who you want to be with my show?

01:34:14That's awesome. Thank you.

01:35:21You can fill out a quick application to work together at Jen mcfarland.com ready. I've opened up just a few spots over the next couple of months for clients who are ready to make a move. It just takes a few minutes at Jen mcfarland.com, ready?