If you're ready to stop dieting but keep getting pulled back in, this episode is for you. Whether you've been asking yourself how to stop emotional eating, whether food freedom and weight loss can coexist, or why your diet isn't working despite your best efforts - the answer might not be what you think.
And in this episode, I’m unpacking the one belief quietly keeping you trapped in the diet cycle, and why trying harder is actually the last thing that's going to help.
IN THIS EPISODE
You know dieting isn't working. And yet here you are again, making the same promise to yourself. "I'll feel good when I've lost the weight." "I'll relax once I've got back on track." "Just this one last reset, and then I can breathe."
That quiet little promise is not just keeping you in the diet cycle - it’s the exact reason you can never find peace with food.
We’ll cover:
- Why the "I'll feel good when…" belief is the engine behind the diet loop, and why it's so hard to let go of
- What actually happens when you stop tying your confidence to the number on the scale
- How to eat more mindfully and make healthier choices - not by adding more rules, but by changing where your decisions come from
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CONNECT WITH ALIX
Instagram: @lifeeditwithalix
Website: lifeeditcoaching.com
Welcome to the Busy Woman's Guide to Wellbeing, the podcast for women who are done with the hustle and are ready to feel at home in their own skin. I'm your host, Alxx Life, therapeutic and fitness coach for busy women who want to do less, live more, and feel good from the inside out.
Every week I'm going to help you to cut through the noise, challenge the shoulds, and find new ways to live and move that actually feel like you. Hello there. Welcome back to the podcast this week and I'm gonna start today by setting the scene for you. So this might be a little bit familiar.
So you've got an event coming up, you've got a holiday, you're going to a wedding, you're going to a reunion, something like that. And your first thought about it is, I need to sort myself out before I go.
Because throughout your life you have created this well worn pattern, which means that in any situation where you feel like you might be judged or where you have to dress up, or where you have to strip down to that bikini, bikini, you have equated weight loss and things like toning up as the shortcut to the confidence that you want to have in those situations.
And it becomes this kind of knee jerk reaction, which in a way is kind of comforting actually, because we look ahead to the future version of ourselves and we think, yeah, I'm going to lose the weight, I'm going to feel amazing about myself, I'm going to feel confident, and then I'm actually going to be able to relax and start enjoying myself.
However, I also want you to cast your mind back a few years because I am willing to bet that when you went on your very first diet, you told yourself you would do it, you would lose the weight, you would feel better, and then you could go back to feeling relaxed and at ease around food.
Because I'm Gonna bet that 95% of us, probably 100% of us, actually don't go on a diet, thinking, yeah, this is what I wanna do for the next 30 years. We go on it thinking, okay, once and done, we'll lose the weight, we'll feel good and then we can actually relax.
Problem is, it never happens, does it?
So since then, you've been on and off diets for longer than you care to remember, and you end up in this trap where you keep promising yourself, I'll feel good about myself when. And it's become a belief which is basically guaranteed to keep you in that diet cycle and in a place where you never feel like you're quite there.
And I think if you've been on diets for even five, 10 years, and let's face it, most of us, 20, 30 years, then you know that very well. You know very well that you keep making that promise to yourself, that quiet little promise that says, I'll feel good about myself when.
And yet you've never quite got there.
Or maybe you've got there for a short while and then you start to doubt yourself, or you put some of the weight back on and you start to feel a bit rubbish, that you couldn't maintain the discipline, you couldn't keep it going. So wherever you end up, you end up in this kind of diet cycle. And this is the promise that you keep making to yourself.
And so, even though you know, on the one hand this actually is not working for me the way that I want it to, you also struggle with the idea of giving it up.
Because you have that hope that one day it's going to work out for you and magically you are going to get to a place where everything's suddenly going to feel easy. You're going to be able to relax around food.
You're going to just be able to respond to your hunger cues and kind of eat some of the things that you like, but also be really healthy in all of these things. You're never quite getting there. And so we do this in all sorts of areas of our lives.
So we say stuff like, I'll buy some new clothes when I've lost that bit of weight, or I just need to lose that last bit and then I can relax, or I'll feel more confident at the school gates when I'm back on track with things and when I've lost a bit of weight. And of course, the more you repeat those things to yourself, the more you are creating the belief that you're only allowed to feel good.
You're only allowed to relax later when you've gone through the restriction, when you've worked hard enough, when you have finally reached a point where you feel like you deserve to feel good.
But the upshot is, of course, in the meantime, that you're left not feeling quite comfortable in your clothes because they don't quite fit you properly.
And instead of dressing for where you are right now, you're waiting for the moment when you've lost enough weight to actually justify you buying some new clothes.
And you stay in that cycle of being on it or off it, which, even though not working, it gives you a feeling of control because it means you've got a plan, right? And you know that when you are on it again, you are going to lose a bit of weight.
Problem is, you can never stay there for long enough, so you end up staying in that cycle. And you also keep telling yourself, I will be able to relax when I have done that.
But the problem is that right now, that belief you're holding on to is the exact reason that you are never able to fully get on top of things. And you feel like you cannot find peace with food.
Because when the only way to achieve freedom is through restriction, you're always going to end up trapped somewhere in between the two. And it's no surprise, is it? Because. And I'm not going to go on about this, because I've talked about this a lot in previous episodes.
But diet culture has taught us all along that body acceptance is something you only earn through sacrifice, through discipline, through willpower, through working hard.
And we've kind of set up this hierarchy of bodies where bodies that do sacrifice and are disciplined are good bodies, and bodies that are not disciplined enough are bad bodies.
So when you personally find yourself failing at those things, when you find yourself starting a diet and not managing to continue it, when you find that you're trying really hard but you're not losing the weight, then the conclusion becomes, I don't deserve to feel good. So my offering to you today is this.
Instead of you keeping chasing the particular rule that says I'm only allowed to feel good when, how about we change the rule to I'm allowed to feel good whenever I choose to. And I want to be really, really clear here because when I say that to people, they think it means giving up.
They think it means inevitably they will never reach the place that they want to. They'll never really feel confident in themselves, and they have to kind of just accept where they are and that they may never get there.
They may never feel really good about themselves. But that is not what this means. It doesn't mean you have to give up on yourself.
And it also doesn't mean that you are inevitably gonna end up in a spiral of eating all the things and having zero self control. And I think this is such a big concern, such a big worry that I come up against time and time again.
I've had people on Instagram, for example, who, they've read a post of mine about this and they've messaged me and they've said, oh, you know, I really want all the things that you around, being able to relax around food, being able to have more Ease around food, being able to feel just at peace and free around it.
But I'm worried that if I go down that road, then all that will happen is I will give myself permission to eat all the things and I'm going to completely lose control and I'm going to end up at the complete opposite end of where I want to be.
And so that's why people end up staying where they are, because they're worried that this idea of allowing yourself to feel good whenever you choose means that that is inevitably going to happen. It is not in my experience. That is definitely not what happens.
Because what we're actually doing is we're just helping you to start from a different place. And I think that's the thing. This isn't like, right, this is the end of it. Sudden you feel amazing about yourself and that's the end.
It's like, no, this is just a different beginning, a different step off point, a different place from which to you're going to come from. And it also doesn't mean as well that you're not allowed to still want to change. You're not allowed to have goals around your body.
Those things are still allowed. Even if you allow yourself to feel okay as you are now, you're still allowed to change. And I think this is another misconception as well.
But again, we step into this world of all or nothing, isn't it?
It's either I feel good about myself, but I give up on any change that I want, or I change but I have to stick to a diet and I have to be mean to myself and I have to put the pressure on myself. We can definitely have an in between place.
We can definitely have a place where we go, hey, do you know what I'm really curious about what happens if I do this and I'm on a bit of that journey this year.
I turned 50 later on this year and at the start of this year I decided, I wonder what would happen if I really worked on building a bit of muscle, if I really worked on changing my body comp a little bit or body composition a little bit more muscle, bit less fat. I'd be really interested to see what happens.
And the thing about it is that I've only been able to get to that point and have the patience to see it through. Because believe me when I tell you, it is slow af. But I've only been able to get to that point because I learned to feel good whenever I choose to.
Because the place that I come from right now is not oh my God. Right? I've only got another five months until I turn 50.
I've only got another five months to do all of this and for my body to look exactly how I need it to look. I'm not doing that.
I'm saying to myself, right, I'm curious, I want to see what happens if I commit to this, if I commit to eating a bit more protein, if I'm a little bit more consistent with the exact workouts that I do and things like that. But I'm, I'm also saying to myself, however, if my body was to stay exactly as it is, I'm also good with that.
And so what it's allowed me to do is actually give me the patience to see this through, to actually put me into a place where I'm doing it in a way that feels completely sustainable. There's no dieting, there's no restricting myself all the time. I'm still able to go out there and have the things that I want to have.
But I'm just, you know, I'm tracking my protein and I'm tracking my workouts and I'm making sure that I'm progressing and all of those things.
But what I, what I really want you to learn from that and to learn from what I'm doing for myself at the moment is I'm not going there from a place of, right, come on, I've got to do this and I've only got a certain amount of time to do it and I must do it quickly and I must lose this weight and I must look like this. I'm coming from a place of, hey, if nothing was to change from here on in, I'm good with that. I'm okay with that.
I'm allowed to feel good whenever I choose to. But I'm going to be curious about this. I'm going to see what happens.
So what I'm really trying to say with all of that is it doesn't mean that you can't still have goals. It doesn't mean that you can't still work towards goals around your body. It doesn't mean you're not allowed to still want to change your body.
It's just that you do it from a very, very different place. From a place that says, hey, maybe I don't make my happiness, my confidence, my self esteem dependent on one single thing.
And what I see when I help the women that I work with to make this transition is that first of all, they start to feel more neutral about their bodies. So they're not necessarily running around going, oh my God, my body's so amazing and I feel awesome.
But they're also not going, I feel really shit about my body all the time and I wish I could change it. And I don't like it. They're just coming from a more neutral place.
What that then allows them to do is they start making decisions based on where they actually are rather than where they wish they were. So the decisions become based on, okay, how can I do this better for myself? How can I change this?
I wonder what happens if I do that rather than, I'm under pressure here and if I don't change then I am not going to feel good about myself, I'm not going to be able to buy those new clothes and I'm still going to be doubting myself all the time. So they're coming from a place of calm rather than pressure.
And what they then find is that healthier choices start to become more natural because they're not tied up in all of the shoulds and shouldn'ts. They're not tied up in the guilt and the shame. And it's those things which keep feeding that cycle over and over again.
Now I'm going to share with you very briefly how I actually do this.
The method that I use to help women to do this and to move from the first, I'm allowed to feel good about my body, when to I get to choose when I feel good about my body and making that the basis for the change that we want to make. And we do it by moving from react to respond. So this is the method or one of the methods that I work through with my clients.
And what this really means is that right now what is happening is you are in reaction mode. Okay? In reaction mode, you have a thought, it turns into a feeling and it turns into a practiced reaction.
A reaction that you have had a million times before. So for example, you look in the mirror and you think, oh my God, I look awful, I need to sort myself out. That's the thought.
The feeling becomes, I feel ashamed that I've let myself get into this state. And the reaction becomes, right, I need to bounce back into my next diet, I need to sort this out, I need to do something about it.
And so what you have done basically is you have created this well worn reaction which you just repeat over and over and over and over again. What, what I do instead is help you move into response.
What that means is we still have the thought, we still might have the feeling, but what we do then is that we become the observer, we become more neutral in that situation. And what that does is it starts to neutralize the feeling a little bit more. It offers us an opportunity to respond in a more helpful way.
It offers us the opportunity to become curious about it. So instead of I look terrible, I need to sort myself out. I feel ashamed.
Yeah, maybe we start with I look terrible, I need to sort myself out to, oh, okay, I wonder why I'm feeling like that today. I wonder what's going on. I wonder where this is coming from.
And so hopefully even me just saying that, you can start to see that in that response mode there's that level of, oh, okay, it's all right, I can take a breath here, I can relax a little bit, I can become curious.
And what I see as a result of that is rather than constantly reacting to circumstance, constantly reacting to an emotion on any given day day, we start to be able to make decisions from a place that actually really supports our goals. This is exactly what I'm going to help you to do. Inside Ditch the diets. So I'm just going to take a moment to tell you about that.
Because Inside Ditch the diets, I coach you through this react to respond method so that you can start to do this for yourself as well and you can stop bouncing from on to off it all the time.
And instead of constantly living with I will feel good when you can start to not only feel more relaxed and ease around food, but you can actually make healthier choices on a more consistent basis. So that opening that packet of biscuits doesn't automatically lead to the biscuit binge.
A bad day at work doesn't always turn into half a bottle of wine. That Friday night takeaway doesn't turn into a weekend free for all because you're actually starting to become the observer.
You're starting to get curious about what's going on. What is that reaction that's happening? How can I turn it into a more gentle response?
And this is kind of where you start to hold things a bit more lightly. You start to have a sense of control, but you have it without the pressure, without the resistance that often comes with it.
So if you'd like to join me for that, then I'm going to be running it from Tuesday 23rd June. It's a three day telegram coaching experience. Telegram is a messaging app and we do everything through there.
The great thing about that is it means that you don't have to be available at any particular time. You can catch up as and when you are ready during each day of that I've got just 12 spaces and it's only £33.
But as part of that, and I think honestly this is an amazing deal because you get personalized coaching from me within that that normally costs a lot more money. So I'm not just going to throw a bunch of information at you and hope that you work it out for yourself.
I'm actually going to be there to help you to figure it out, to help you to apply, react, to respond to your own life. I will be responding to your specific messages, your specific questions, and I will be helping to walk you through it.
So if you want to join me for that, if you're quick, you can also claim one of the quick action bonuses. Then just head to lifeeditcoaching.com forward/ditchthed it. So go check that out. I'll put the link in the show notes as well.
But before I sign off today, I really want to invite you to think about flipping that rule if it's something that you recognize in your own life. The rule that says I'm only allowed to feel good when.
Because you're not only allowed to feel good wherever you bloody choose or whenever you bloody well choose. But you can still change from there.
It just means that you're going to come from a more trusting place, a more relaxed place, and you finally get to have the ease around food you're craving, but also make progress towards your goals. And who doesn't want that? So I'll leave you with that thought.
But for now I'm gonna love you and leave you and I'll see you back here again next time. Thank you as always for joining me.
If this episode has hit home, share it with another woman who needs to hear it and come connect with me on Instagram. Instagram at Life Edit with Alxx for more real talk, mindset shifts and daily inspiration.