In our last episode, we may have picked on neurotypicals just a little bit so this time we thought we’d level the playing field and talk about The Great Equalizer. No, not death. Awkwardness. While we, as neurodivergent people, often think of ourselves as being the most painfully, embarrassingly awkward people on the planet the truth is neurotypicals aren’t immune to awkwardness either. We all have moments that make us blush, put our foot in our mouth, embarrass the heck out of us, and make us want to run away. So join us as we take a gander at a random list from the internet of supposedly universal awkward moments, and listen along as we react to these scenarios and embarrass ourselves for your entertainment. If you’d like to support us on Patreon you can find us at www.patreon.com/differentfunctional And don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast and leave us a rating and review. Thanks for listening!

AUTUMN

0:00

Welcome to the Different Functional Podcast where we explore the triumphs and challenges of trauma recovery and being neurodivergent in a neurotypical world. Today we will be reveling in our social awkwardness by live reacting to what are assumedly some of the most awkward social situations.

I am Autumn, the older sister, and I would have to say that one of the most common socially awkward situations I get into is speaking over people. I think this might be like an autism thing, but I don't judge the pauses and conversation right. And so I'll start speaking right when the other person does.

It's horrible on the phone. It's one of the reasons I absolutely detest speaking on the phone because my entire conversation, even if it lasts for an hour or 2 hours, is both of us continuing to start talking at the same time and then just apologizing and then doing it again.

IVY

1:00

To your credit though, the on the phone thing, I think that happens with everybody because you don't really have anything to gauge by as far as when they're actually done talking. So either you end up talking over each other a lot or you have these big silent gaps where both of you are trying to figure out if it's safe to talk. So I think that happens to everybody. I don't think it happens as often in person, but definitely over the phone. I think that's an issue a lot of people have.

I am Ivy, the younger sister and I'm actually very accustomed to being spoken over because I tend to be more quiet anyway and freeze up in conversation and other people feel the need to fill the silence and I don't generally have enough investment to be like, well, I was talking, can I finish my thought? I usually just let it go. I'm like, okay, I guess I just won't say the thing that I was going to say anymore. That's fine.

But since I currently do have the spotlight and the microphone right now, I will share the most awkward thing to me. This is also a little PSA for anybody who is going to go get a massage because there is nothing more awkward as a massage therapist than when your client is laying on their back with their eyes open.

Just so you know, if you are a massage client, proper etiquette is to close your fucking eyes because it's awkward as hell as the therapist when your client's eyes are open. And it goes to creepy level if you start staring at your massage therapist as they're working on you. These things happen to me on a somewhat regular basis in this field and it is very unsettling.

Honestly, the only way that I've been able to find sort of a workaround for it so I don't have to feel as awkward is that I never put my hair up ever when I give a massage, which kind of sucks because I get really hot and sweaty. But my hair does act like a shield. So if I notice my client's eyes are open, I just tilt my head down so that my hair kind of like hangs like a curtain near my face so they can't look at me. But just as a courtesy thing, a PSA to any massage clients, please close your fucking eyes when you're face up because you creep us out.

AUTUMN

3:19

Is it okay if I keep my eyes open, like, when I'm face down? Because I really enjoy when I'm getting massage and watching the person move around. I have no idea why, but watching their little feet, like, appear and then disappear and then appear and then disappear in the little window.

IVY

3:34

Yeah, face down is generally fine to have your eyes open as long as I can't tell that your eyes are open. Although I will say that a lot of times when my client is face down, I try very hard to keep my feet out of their view. That's not true of clients I've worked with for a really long time. If you've been a longtime client, I'm totally comfortable with you. I don't care if you see my feet.

But I think my issue with it actually comes from how many people over the years have asked me if I've seen that Friends episode where Phoebe is a massage therapist and she really likes this client of hers and is trying to impress him. But there's no way to do that, really, because they don't interact. So she just makes sure that she gets pedicures, I guess. I don't fucking know. I never saw the episode because I don't watch Friends, but so many people have asked me if I've seen that episode that it's made me highly aware of the fact that people look at your feet when they're face down.

So with people I haven't been working with very long, I tend to try very hard to keep my feet out of view when they're face down because it just makes me feel awkward now.

AUTUMN

4:43

Yeah, I've not seen the Friends episode either, but I'm a total feet creeper. So just so you're aware, if I get a massage from you in the future, and if you are the kind of person that does try to not let me peekaboo the toes, it's so much more exciting because you're like, oh, there was a glimpse, and then they disappeared in it just ups the excitement value.

IVY

4:55

I don't know how I feel about that. I'm going to have to learn to levitate, if I ever give you a massage again. Just keep my feet completely out of the picture.

AUTUMN

5:09

This is not like creepy excitement. It's like fun childlike. You see, even this is getting awkward.

IVY

5:11

It sure is.

AUTUMN

5:12

All right, so obviously Ivy and I are both socially awkward people. If you've listened to the podcast at all, you know this. If you've listened to the last, like, 30 seconds, you probably know this as well. And yes, we are both neurodivergent and we have a lot of mental health quirks, but the reality is that social situations are often awkward for so many of us, no matter where you're at on that mental health or neurodivergent/neurotypical spectrum. Being around other people, there's just situations that are so awkward. It's just something that I think we kind of need to accept and relate about and maybe laugh a little bit about. So when these situations happen, maybe we all feel a little less awkward, hopefully.

So what Ivy and I are going to do today is we looked up the top 25 most socially awkward situations on Google and we randomly picked a list and we're going to basically live react to this. Neither Ivy or I have read this list yet, so we're just going to go through some of these and see how relatable they actually are and make sure we're just not freaks over here while the rest of the world is smooth and cool.

So this list is actually from Bored Panda, and it covers 40 extremely awkward situations. The link to this list will be on our resources page, and we will not be covering all 40 situations in the show because if you've listened to the show, you know an Ivy and I can talk forever. If we were covering 40 of these, that would be a really long episode. So we're going to dive in and see how relatable all of these are.

So the very first one we have on the list, when you start to tell a story in a group, but in the middle of the sentence, you realize that no one is actually listening. Yeah, that's not a good feeling. Has that happened to you, Ivy?

IVY

7:02

This happens to me every time I'm in a group, actually, because I do tend to be a little bit more of a wallflower and introverted and quiet. Generally speaking, if you have a group of people, you have at least one person in that group who's very loud and talkative, but usually it's more than just one. So people like me get drowned out a lot.

This happens pretty much any time I am in a group setting. I am so used to this kind of awkward situation, and it is awkward and it is an unpleasant feeling. I don't enjoy it, but I am so used to it now that I kind of just, I don't know, shrug my shoulders and move on. I just kind of assume nobody's listening to me anyway, which I know sounds pretty pathetic and sad. I guess I could be more aggressive, but that's really not my jam.

Usually the way I handle it is just to give up. And if you've listened to our other previous episodes where we talk about social anxiety, you know that my go to is an escape to the bathroom. So if it's particularly embarrassing or upsetting to me that nobody in the group is listening to me, I just go to the bathroom and then people forget that I was there. And then when I come back, like 5 or 10 minutes later, it was like I never said anything and I never left. So, yeah, that's how I handle it.

AUTUMN

8:24

I will have to admit that this does not often happen to me because I am very much the opposite of you, Ivy. In social situations I am big and I am loud because I'm trying to control the situation so I can feel safe. And so it's very rare that people don't listen to me when I'm speaking.

But I am also an observer of everybody because I am trying to assess all the threats and figure out what mask I need to wear when how when I'm in a multiple person interaction. And so I see this happening to other people. Every multiple person interaction I've ever had, I see this happening to people, and it's even awkward and embarrassing from the sidelines. They don't notice me watching them, and then they just realize nobody's listening and feel awkward for them.

So what I actually tend to do is when I see this happening, especially to one person a lot in a situation, I start intentionally trying to throw that person a life preserver. I'll keep an eye on them a little closer, and if I see them start talking, I'll focus in on them. And then when they're starting to die down because they think nobody's listening, I'll jump in and be like, “Well, then, what happened to the bear?” Which then also focuses everybody's attention on them. So I don't know if that's actually helpful or if it'd be better if they just disappeared. I don't know if I'm making it worse for them.

IVY

9:39

I don't know. I mean, I can't speak for other people, but for myself, I would say, actually, that's very sweet. I would appreciate it if people did that because if I speak in a group situation, which I don't usually, because I am so quiet and shy and all of that, so if I feel like I have something interesting enough to say, it is really disappointing to start talking and then realize that nobody gives a fuck. So I actually do appreciate the people, the group who either do like you do and do that life preserver and try to pull the attention towards me, or even if they just kind of desert the rest of the group to interact with me one on one.

I do appreciate that. I can't speak for everybody, but if I actually do speak in a group situation, it is because I feel like I have something genuinely worth contributing. And it does suck when nobody listens. So I would appreciate it. I don't know about other people who are like me, but I would appreciate it.

AUTUMN

Excellent. I feel a little bit better about myself, and it's good to know that my shiny glitzy mask that I try to blind everyone with could actually maybe help some of the other people around me.

All right, so then the second one on this list here is when you've had multiple interactions with someone but you can't remember their name, but it's gone way too far to admit you've forgotten it.

This is my life. Okay, people - I hate to be mean, but most people are extras in my life, and they're not really worth a cast credit. And so it really takes me having seen somebody sometimes up to a dozen, two dozen times before I even give a fuck that they exist. And by that time you've interacted with somebody like 20 or 30 times, you should know their name. But I didn't give a fuck the first 20 to 30 times, so I didn't bother to remember their name. And so pretty much everybody that is in acquaintance in my life and sometimes even a coworker, no clue. I could know these people five years. No clue what their names are.

IVY

I do this a little bit too. I'm probably not to the same level as you, but you can only commit so many names and faces to memory. And I find that the older I get, the less space I have in my head for that. So I also find that there are people that I interact with and I can't remember their names at all. Sometimes I can't even really remember their faces.

It's either I remember their face and I don't remember their name or I remember the name but I don't remember the face. Which I know that sounds weird, but that actually comes up a lot in the massage field because you see people on your schedule and you'll know you recognize that name, but then the person shows up and you would not be able to pick them out in a crowd. I may have seen that person maybe eight times before, but until they've come to see me around ten to twelve times I'm probably not going to be to remember them because I don't know if they're going to be a regular and I only have so much space in my head.

I did actually have a really awkward situation once at a job where I recognized the name on the schedule and somebody showed up whose face looked familiar. So I was like, this must be them. So I pull them back into the room and we get started on the massage. And then about 10 or 15 minutes into the massage a note gets slipped under the door. The person that I had taken into the room was not the client I was supposed to have. That person, the person that I took into the room, she misunderstood when her appointment was. She was supposed to come in that day, that time the next week. And my client I was supposed to be working on had showed up and was pissed because they were sitting in the lobby. But I just assumed because the name looked familiar and the face looked familiar and they were there at the right time that it must be that person.

And then I really felt like an asshole because I had to go back into the room because I didn't know what the fuck was going on. I had to go back into the room and ask that client that I'd been working on for the last 10 minutes their name. That person did not come back to see me. And I cannot say that I blame them.

I'm so embarrassed by that. My face is actually turning red right now just recounting it. I feel so bad and so embarrassed by that situation. It's ridiculous. I should have been able to put two and two together because that person that was on my table, I had seen them like maybe six or seven times before, so I should have remembered who they were and I didn't. I mistook them for somebody else who I'd seen like two times. It's a bad situation. I am very flushed right now, very hot. I'm very embarrassed.

AUTUMN

Sadly, I can totally relate to that because like I said, since you're an extra, I neither know your name nor your face, and that gets really awkward in a very small town or a small work environment. I know when I first started working at the job I'm at right now, I got told who the shift supervisor was. And usually it didn't matter because I'd go to the manager for everything. There's twelve people there. Manager’s gone one day and they're like, oh yeah, you need to go to the shift supervisor. All I had was white male, hoodie. That was all I had in my mind. Unfortunately, even though there's only twelve people that work, there, like four of them were white male, hoodie. And so I had to wait all day to find until all the white male, hoodies were in the same group so that I could go up and just start saying the thing I needed, hoping to God that the shift supervisor was A) in that group and B) would then be the one to respond to me. So I feel you. I feel you, Ivy.

IVY

That is exactly how I would have handled that situation too. I would have been way too embarrassed and socially anxious and awkward to actually ask who the hell was I was supposed to talk to. So obviously this is one that Autumn and I both struggle with quite a bit. Just just know that unless we've seen you a million times, you are an extra in our lives. And we won't remember your name. We won't remember your face. We will forget that you exist. And if you come up and talk to us and we have that deer in the headlights look in our face, that'll tell you right there whether you're an extra in our lives? Sorry.

AUTUMN

Oh, yeah. I think this is a very common situation, actually, for a lot of people. Saying someone's an extra in your life sounds rude, but, I mean, the reality is we only have so much room, especially if you're introverted, especially if you're neurodivergent for other people in social interactions, I think. What is the name of that band? Ivy. They did something about not remembering your face. Like, maybe you should get a personality or a face tattoo. Do you remember them?

IVY

No. Which I find ironic in this situation. No idea what band you're talking about, but there is some irony here, I think.

AUTUMN

All right, well, I will find that and I will get it posted on our resources page just for that one.

Okay, so let's go down the list here to number three: when you're having a conversation with someone, you don't hear what they say, so you ask them to repeat themselves. They do, but you still don't hear it. And ask them to repeat again. And they do, but you still don't know what they said.

Unfortunately, I have been stuck in this loop. I mean, part of the problem with getting sensorially overwhelmed, at least for me, is that all data needs to be processed, and my brain is not big enough or fast enough to process all quadrillion billion points of data at once. And so stuff gets lost in the mix, and a lot of times it is people's voices and what they're saying. And I think also, as I get older, I'm losing my hearing. Either that or people around me are talking quieter, which, if you all are doing that, I don't appreciate it.

But I end up just not asking. I do what my grandma did: smile and nod. Smile and nod, and hope to God I'm not agreeing to something that I don't want to.

IVY

17:55

Yeah, this one is basically my everyday life, multiple times a day. I think for me, it's partially a little bit of hearing loss from blasting music through my earbuds for years. I think I've done some damage to my ear holes that way. I also think, though, that there are certain vocal ranges that I have a hard time hearing. And so unless those people talk loud, I don't hear them.

And this also happens to me with clients. If they are a client that talks quietly, when they are face down, that face cradle muffles their voice so much, I only hear about half of what they say, and I have to try to puzzle piece that shit together. Otherwise, I'm asking “Excuse me? What was that? Sorry, I still didn't hear you.” constantly. I basically just had to learn to put together puzzle pieces over time, because there are so many people that when they're on the massage table, they want to talk. Which is fine, except when they're face down, because unless you're talking loud enough, I'm only hearing half of what you say, which I mean, it's kind of a fun puzzle to have to put together. It keeps my brain occupied. But I do sometimes make mistakes in conversation, and then that's embarrassing and I don't know how to handle it because I don't do small talks. So we just sit there in awkward silence because I don't know how to approach it after that.

AUTUMN

I always assumed that's why the spa music was playing, to cover up for those awkward silences. I mean, bonus perk of today's episode, you are getting a lot of information about how to perform as a massage customer. Don't creep on their feet, don't stare at them directly, and do talk loudly - just to recap what we're at thus far.

IVY

Yeah, I didn't intend to give all these pointers to massage clients, but I know some of my massage clients listen. So just letting you know, most of you are well behaved, though. My regulars are my regulars for a reason. Most of you know the drill by now. But if you're not one of my clients, but you do go and see a massage therapist, I'm telling you, these etiquette things are important. Your massage therapist will be silently thanking you for not having your eyes open and for talking loud enough that they can hear you.

AUTUMN

There's going to be a lot of, like, blindfolded, screaming people. This is what I'm seeing in the massage rooms. I hope not, because that's like a whole different thing. That's not massage. Okay, so that's me getting awkward again. Okay.

Anyways, number six on our list. Okay, so when you're next in line at the grocery store with your mom and she leaves you to get just one more thing and the anxiety and awkwardness builds up because you're up and she's nowhere to be found.

Okay, so obviously Ivy and I have grown up, so this hasn't happened to us recently, but sometimes it does happen. Where I am shopping with Jake and he has the card we're paying with that day because the money happens to be in his account and he wanders off. And I think I let that happen once in all of my relationships ever. It was too much. And so from now, like, I cling to you if you have that card. So I will get the card before we go to the checkout to make sure that doesn't happen. Then you can wander, you can disappear and do whatever but I am not enduring that amount of awkwardness again in my life.

IVY

This kind of situation does occasionally happen to me with Kelvin, but it's usually because we did all of our shopping, we get up to the checkout line, and I realize that I forgot to grab something that was on the list. Because if you listen to our previous episode on the ADHD versus autism, the differences in those neurodivergence, you'll know that I meander, through the store. And while I have a list, that list is not organized. So half the time we get up to the checkout line, and because I didn't remove the things on the list after we got them, I don't realize sometimes that we're missing something until we get up to the checkout line. And then I'm looking over the list and I got that, got that. Oh, shit, I forgot that. That's like all the way at the back of the store.

And so I send Kelvin to go and get it, and the entire time, I'm so anxious he will not get back in enough time and that I will have to have him go through the checkout line separately, or I'll just be standing there awkwardly and making the next person in line wait. And then I'm like, everybody's enemy. So that fills me with a tremendous amount of anxiety. And when he's walking, like, in my mind, I'm like, “Run, run. I need you to run!” It's ridiculous. He always makes it back in time, but that little anxious part in my head is like, don't trust him. Don't trust him. He's not moving fast enough.

AUTUMN

It might be a good thing that Kelvin doesn't listen to this, because I feel like with his mischievous nature, he might hear this and then start fucking with you at the checkout. Go get the thing. Be right there, like, hiding behind the candy, just waiting, being like tee hee hee hee

IVY

Yeah, he actually probably would do that.

AUTUMN

So I'm going to skip down to number seven on this list here, which is standing there while two people talk about something you don't know about.

And here I'm going to have to, I guess, thank my autism because I didn't know this was supposed to be awkward. So if there are three of us and two of them are talking about something I don't know about, I'm like, oh, thank God I don't have to participate. And I just kind of turn off for a little bit. I didn't know I was actually supposed to be interacting at that point. So I guess I'm thankful for my autism that I didn't know to be awkward in this situation for years.

IVY

I don't think it ever occurred to me to feel awkward in this situation because this happens to me so frequently and has pretty much my entire life. I think it started with our father, because when I was really little, before that relationship went way sideways, I followed him around like a little lost puppy dog all the time. And so I would just be standing there while he droned on and on and on to some other adult about things that I did not understand and did not care about at all. And so since that's always been a part of my life, it never occurred to me to feel awkward in those situations at all.

That stuff still happens to me all the time now. A lot of times, I guess I just kind of feel like a fly on the wall. People don't notice that I'm there. That's what it feels like to me. They're so engrossed in their conversation with each other that they don't even notice that I'm there. So I just kind of get to be a silent observer, which in some ways is kind of nice, because then I get to choose is whether or not I'm even listening. Because if it's not something that interests me, I don't have to listen, and they won't notice, so they won't care. So I can let my mind wander. Or I could be, I don't know, staring at the lint on their shirt and not listening to anything that they're saying. And it won't bother them because they forgot I was there to begin with.

So this one doesn't make me feel awkward. In some ways, I think it has some benefits to it, honestly.

AUTUMN

I'm on board with you on that one. Not awkward at all. A lot of benefits. Plus I get more time to stare at the people and try to figure out what mask I have to wear once they actually tune back into my existence. Or if you're really lucky, they start kind of just moving towards each other and excluding you from the circle, and then you can just leave the interaction and you're like, oh, thank God.

All right. So I'm going to skip down to number nine, which I feel like, for me, this is another neurodivergent one, which is awkward. Happens quite a bit, actually. Walking through a doorway only to catch your clothes on the handle and have it slingshot you backwards.

Constantly getting caught on door handles, little nubs of the door. I rip my clothes on stuff, and then people are like, oh, my God, are you okay? And you just like, If I hear anything, you just keep walking, like nothing happened. That to me, it happens so much anymore. I've kind of become inoculated with it. I just play it off. I don't focus on it. I move on.

But I am clumsy enough, though, that I still do big things on accident, like run into the door frame or a wall with my whole body. And that's a lot more embarrassing because you're completely sober, because you're at work, obviously functioning just fine, and then you walk into a wall. That's a little more embarrassing than the slingshot because I feel like less people just walk into the walls.

IVY

I have to agree with you on this one. While my clothes do sometimes get caught on the doorknob, it doesn't happen very often because part of my sensory thing is I don't like anything on me that's flowy. All of my clothes have to be pretty form fitting, o it's somewhat rare for my clothes to be even loose and flowy enough to get caught on a door handle. But like Autumn, I also have a real fondness for door frames. So I do walk into them on a somewhat regular basis. And I agree with Autumn that that is far more embarrassing than your clothes getting caught on a door handle, because that happens to a lot of people. But there are not a whole lot of people that walk into walls or door frames or the banister on stairs.

There's a lot of things that I have walked into that the average person has not walked into. I was on a date once, and a guy invited me back to his house. I'm going to make a little bit of excuse for myself here. It was dark, okay? He did not have a porch light. It was dark and it was kind of foggy outside. I walked face first into his screen door. First date, but I knew the guy. I knew the guy because I was working at the jail at the time. So I saw this guy on a regular basis because he was a police officer and I worked in booking. So every time that dude brought somebody in that he had arrested, all I'm thinking as I'm taking his paperwork and patting down the person that he arrested, all I'm thinking is, god, I walked face first into that guy's screen door. This is so embarrassing. Just don't come back here, dude. Just stop arresting people.

AUTUMN

So on a positive note with that, even that can get worse, Ivy, because I remember being a little kid. Like I was, I think four or five. So this is before you were around. I got super excited because Great Grandma came home from the hospital and I ran to hug her. I took out the whole fucking screen door. Like, I managed to shred the screen out of the screen door with the exuberance that is me. I got into a lot of trouble for that. And ever since then, I have been very cautious of any doorway that appears to be open. Maybe that's why I'm always running into the door frames, because I'm like, it could be a screen there!

IVY

Okay, in some ways that's worse, but in some ways it's better. I mean, it's worse in the sense that you actually took out the door, but it's better because you were a small child and you didn't understand the world as well and how doors worked. I was like a 20-year-old woman. I feel like I have less of an excuse and it's more embarrassing. And this is another one that I am feeling a little bit flush. I am blushing pretty hard right now. Because that is one of those moments that I have that sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of the night and I'm just thinking about that, and then I can't go back to sleep. It's one of those things that will haunt me forever.

Unless you have anything else to add, Autumn, I actually want to go back to the previous one on this list that you skipped because I think that one is actually very relatable, and I have had a recent experience with it lately, and that is when you think someone waves at you, so you wave back, but they were waving at someone behind you.

This one has happened to me so many times in my life, and it is super embarrassing to me every single time. And it's especially embarrassing because when that person waves at me, it's usually somebody that I don't recognize. So in my head, logically, I'm like, that person can't be waving at me, right? Don't wave at that person. They can't possibly be waving at me. I don't know that person. But then, as we discussed earlier in the episode, I have that thought where it's like, wait, do I know that person? Have I met that person before? And they're recognizing me, and it's rude of me to ignore them just because I don't think I know them. And so I wave, and then I realize that they're waving at somebody else, and then I just hope that a black hole opens up and swallows me and I never have to see that person again. Which thankfully, most of the time, you don't ever see that person again.

But recently, I had this experience at my gym. I was coming out of the gym, I was in the parking lot, and here I go making excuses for myself again. One, it was really bright out, and my glasses were kind of smudgy from sweat and oils from my hair getting on them, and the person was pretty far away in the parking lot. But I thought they were somebody that I had talked to before in the gym because they looked very similar. Their body build looked very similar to somebody I had talked to before in the gym. And so I thought they were waving at me. And they were not waving at me.

And now I see them on a regular basis, and they just look at me weird. And then I don't say anything because it's way too awkward to address the situation. And this was weeks ago now, and since I didn't address it earlier, it feels way too awkward to address it now. Not that I would have anyway. So they look at me weird, and then I just pretend like I don't see them ever. I just stare past them or I look away, which I'm sure makes this situation even more awkward, but it's the best I can do. I'm not having a conversation with this person about why I waved at them when we don't know each other.

AUTUMN

All right, so in your defense, look, people, we're all awkward. This happens on occasion. That person needs to calm the fuck down and stop looking at you weird. They need to do what is the polite thing and also pretend that it never happened. That's how we are polite in this society. Awkwardness happens. You pretend that it didn't.

IVY

That is true, except for the fact that I think what's going on is they're looking at me now because they interpreted my wave as flirting with them. Because it is a guy, and when I say he looks at me weird, he looks at me in a somewhat predatory way now. So I think maybe he was interested in me. Now because I waved at him, and I think he may have seen that as flirtation. And now he's confused, and he doesn't really know what to do in the situation because now I refuse to look at him at all. So I think he's trying to figure out if I'm just, like, playing hard to get or if I got shy or if it was a mistake or if I hate him. I don't think he knows what to make of it now because now I act super fucking weird. So I think that's what's going on.

AUTUMN

That explains so much more and also makes that situation way more awkward, actually. Luckily, I don't get the wave thing too often as a greeting. Not a lot of people wave around here. I think it's just too small of a town that everybody's literally right there, so you can just be like, hey, Jim, across the street, and they'll hear you. So that's what it is. It's like, hey, good morning, blah, blah, blah.

And since I work in customer service, at least once, twice a day, somebody says something, and I respond to them, and they're not talking to me. They're talking on their phone. They're talking to their child. They're talking to somebody else in the store that was behind a little corner that I didn't see. And so I've just had to be like, all right, then. Okay.

I don't know. For whatever reason, though, the kind of the opposite of this. What's more embarrassing for me in the customer service area is when I give the greeting, because you're supposed to always greet every customer so they know that they're welcome in the store and watched, so they don't steal things. And so you're like, “Hey, good morning. How are you doing today?” And they don't acknowledge it at all, which is fine if they're the only person in the store with me. But sometimes I give the greeting, they don't acknowledge it at all. And there's just another customer standing there looking at me, throw the greeting and get rejected, which then makes it really awkward. And then we just are like, okay. Don't know where to look. Don't know what to do.

IVY

That is actually super awkward to have somebody else witness your rejection. That is super fucking awkward. I don't know that that's happened to me before or not. I think I would feel so awkward in that situation about having been rejected that I wouldn't notice that bystanders who probably saw me be rejected. I wouldn't be accounting for those outside parties who were just spectators. And now I'm going to ruminate out every single time I've had an awkward situation.

Like that guy in that parking lot. What if somebody else saw me wave at that guy who wasn't waving at me? What if the employees were looking through the window and they saw and they're like, oh, man, that's painful. That's embarrassing. And now every time they see me, they just think of me as that girl who waved at that dude who wasn't waving at her. Now I'm going to be ruminating about every awkward social interaction I've had in my life and wondering if there were spectators to that event.

AUTUMN

Yes, I've provided a new layer of worry for you. Like the time you walked into the screen door. There could have been somebody walking their dog, walking by, and now you're a story in their arsenal of, one time I was walking my dog, this crazy lady walked right into a screen door, bounced right off it.

IVY

Okay, I find that unlikely, but only because this guy lived out in the middle of fucking nowhere. So I think in that situation I was probably safe. Unless he had, like, a stalker or something that just hung out near his house. Which in that case, I'm not even going to feel bad because what the fuck are you doing hanging out at somebody's house in the middle of nowhere that late at night? You're the bigger problem than I am right now. So I don't even feel bad about that situation. I think I was safe in that.

But all of the other situations where there is possibility of people having seen, I am going to think about that. It's really hitting those points for the ADHD thing. It's like the extra rumination that we do and the rejection sensitivity. This is now just a fireball of anxiety that's going to live in my head. I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight. Thanks a lot.

AUTUMN

Sorry. Okay, let's go ahead and move on to another one on the list. I'm going to skip down to number twelve. I feel like all of us have done this at some time. If not, I mean, lucky for you for having great, amazing bowel movements. When you clog a toilet somewhere that's not your house.

So it's sort of embarrassing in a public restroom, especially if it's the only stall. But sometimes you can creep out and then nobody will know it's you. But you go to somebody's house and you clog the toilet, especially if they don't have a plunger. Like if they have a plunger right next to it. Okay, go for it. Go for it with the plunger, you try to do everything you can. You splash water, you're trying to clean it all up. It's horrible. And then a lot of times you can only get it to go down, like part of the way, but it's enough that it looks flushed. So then you're just sabotaging the next person.

But then sometimes they don't have a plunger and like, what the fuck? Why do you not have a plunger by your toilet? And then you have to come out and either pretend you didn't, but if you're the only person, it's going to be obvious. Or then just confront it and look this person in the eye and be like, yeah, I need a plunger for the huge shit I just took in your toilet because I think I broke it. It's horrifying, okay?

IVY

So I am very amused by all of that. This does not happen to me though, because I am a nervous pooper and I cannot poop in somebody else's house. I can't do it unless I'm stuck there for days. And even then I will usually find some excuse to leave the house and go someplace that has a public restroom. And public restrooms even I won't use the public restroom unless there are multiple stalls. I just like to feel safe that nobody's judging me for pooping. Because in my head I shouldn't have to because I should be superhuman and not have to poop.

When I was a teenager, I really, really loved Anne Rice's vampires and I wanted to be one. And at the top of my list for why I wanted to be a vampire was because they didn't have bowel movements, they didn't pee, they didn't have a bunch of saliva. They just didn't have those things. And I always thought that sounded absolutely wonderful to not have bodily functions.

So this does not happen to me. I don't clog up people's toilets because I'm too scared to poop in their house. I'm too scared to poop in a public restroom that only has one stall. Sometimes, even if there's only two stalls, even that makes me nervous. I really need as many stalls as possible. I love malls because mall bathrooms are huge and it's perfect. Airport bathrooms - they're great. It doesn't matter what you do, nobody will know what's going on with you. So I don't plug up people's toilets. I can't poop in somebody else's house. It's too awkward. My body refuses to do it even if I want to. Even if I try to, it's not going to work.

AUTUMN

They say, are you really paranoid if someone is actually out to get you? And so are you really nervous and anxious unnecessarily about this? Because I don't know that you are. Because having clogged up people's toilet, there is judgment. That's never a smooth conversation. There are always looks. So I'm going to say that's not necessarily anxiety. Maybe that is just smart poop planning on your part for that one.

IVY

Sometimes it is also painful poop planning. Because sometimes you really need to go, but if you are a nervous pooper, it doesn't matter how bad you have to go. You sit down on that toilet, you're like, I'm going to do it. I have to do this. This hurts. I need to get it out. No, that sphincter will not open up. Anything that's hanging out there, It's just going to get sucked back up. It's not going anywhere. It's just not happening. So smart planning, yes, but also sometimes really inconvenient and painful planning.

That is also awkward. But it's only awkward for you as long as you don't get gassy, too, because that turns into a different kind of awkwardness in social situations then, which is also not an option because I also don't do that around other people either. Do not pass gas around other people. And now super embarrassed and blushing again.

AUTUMN

This is apparently so relatable. We're even just this embarrassed and awkward during the show.

Okay, so I'm going to go to number 13. This one is not an issue for me, but I'm going to bet it is probably awkward for Ivy: having Happy Birthday sung to you. So you're in a group of people at your birthday. Everybody is now focused on you, singing Happy Birthday.

I don't mind this so much because I usually am trying to be the center of attention to control things. So now like, hey, look, I'm the center of attention and I didn’t have to do anything. It is a challenge for me, though, because I am really good at masking in a lot of areas, except for my facial expression. Because I don't know what my face is fucking doing most of the time. And so the entire time anybody's singing Happy Birthday to me, it's just challenging as I'm trying to connect with my face, figure out the appropriate expression that I'm supposed to have, and then try to communicate that to my muscles. I don't know what that looks like from the outside perspective, but I'm so consumed with trying to get the correct facial expression, I don't have room for embarrassment or awkwardness at this point.

IVY

Based on what I know of you, I think every time you're in a situation where you're trying to make sure that your face has the right expression on it, it always gets the same expression on it, which is an overly large smile, and really big eyes just turn into saucers. They're so big. So that'd be my guess. It's been a long time since I've been around for anybody singing Happy Birthday to you. But based on what I know of you, in other situations, when you're really trying hard to get the right facial expression, that's generally what happens.

I have made death threats against people if I think that they're going to tell restaurant staff that it's my birthday. I hate this so much. I do not like being the center of attention at all. I also despise the happy birthday song. It should be outlawed. Nobody should be allowed to sing this. It should be an offense punishable by death. It is one of the worst songs ever made. It ranks right up there with Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats”. It's just terrible song.

And then having it sung at me with everybody staring at me just makes it even worse. I have crawled underneath tables before to escape people staring at me when Happy Birthday is being sung to me. I have burst into tears before. I am terrified of going to restaurants on my birthday. I do not go to restaurants on my birthday with anybody that I do not completely trust. Because if they tell the restaurant staff, and the restaurant staff comes as a group and they're singing and they're, like, clapping and they have, like, a tambourine, and then the entire restaurant starts staring at me, I swear to God I will terminate the friendship with anybody who made that happen. That's how much I hate this. It is one of the most awkward things that could possibly be done to me, and I hate it. It's, like the worst. I would end a relationship over that shit. I could be with somebody for 20 years. I would end a relationship over that shit. That is a total no go deal breaker. You do not get to do that to me.

AUTUMN

You're not alone. I know a lot of people that absolutely detest a song and detest having it sung to them at all.

Okay, so let's skip down to number 15: When you're walking and almost trip for no reason.

So, again, it happens to me a lot. Sometimes - there's actually been sometimes I've been embarrassed enough that you kind of, like, turn it into a jog. Like you're like, I just decided I was going to start jogging because I need to get somewhere quickly.

But again, this is one of those, well, it could be worse. Because I do remember actually, I was working at a flower shop, helping out on Valentine's Day. Happened to be raining, slippery in the little foyer area. Going with a bouquet of roses in a glass jar out the door. Feet literally above my head. Like, I saw my feet go above my head. Fell. Completely just pancaked down. I think I shook the shelves around me in the little flower shop. And of course, everybody's right there. There's customers trying to get in. There's people behind me just, like, waiting because they're trying to get out to the delivery van, too. And you have to pop up and be like, I'm okay now.

And I am so terrified this is going to happen now, because I was, like, 20 then, where you can pop up off the floor and just be like, I'm good, and walk it off. I'm 40 something now. I'm not walking it off. If this happens now, I'm going to be like, I'm down and I can't get up.

IVY

That's some Steve Martin, Chevy Chase kind of shit right there. That is a Saturday Night Live skit happening in the real world. That's exactly what that is.

This does happen to me on a somewhat regular basis. The tripping over nothing. And then I get super confused, and I just look at my foot like it betrayed me, because most of the time when it happens, I recognize as it's happening that I just didn't lift my foot up high enough. And then I'm like, okay, brain, what the fuck was that? We walk normally most of the time. We generally don't have a problem. And all of a sudden you just got lazy on one side? What the fuck is that about? And it's embarrassing, obviously, when anybody sees you do it.

Although I do have one positive memory of this happening. But it didn't happen to me. It actually happened to our brother. During his graduation, he tripped on his way to go get his diploma, if I remember correctly. But at our school, because it was so tiny and the graduating classes were so tiny, like they had your parent come out and meet you too, I guess either hand it to you or shake your hand. I don't remember what the context was. But because our brother tripped on his way up there, our mom saw him trip. And so she tripped too to make it look like it was intentional, like they had planned it.

And now every time I trip like that, I just wish I had somebody like mom who would do the same thing so that it made it look like it was normal. Either it was something we choreographed and planned, or at least other people watching it from the outside would question themselves for a second because that's that social pressure thing. You see a couple of people do something that's out of the ordinary, and part of your brain starts to question, wait a second, am I supposed to do that too?

I would love that. That would be amazing if just you trip over flat ground and then another person does it to kind of make you feel better. And then you have a domino effect of a bunch of other people doing it because now they think they're just supposed to because everyone else is doing it. I would love if that happened. It would be like a weird, unplanned flash mob of tripping people. And I like that idea.

AUTUMN

I was actually thinking as you're talking, like in my magical world, that's how flash mobs begin. A couple of people tripped, another person tripped, and all of a sudden we're doing a choreographed dance number.

All right, so moving on to number 18. So apparently Ivy is not going to have an issue with this because Ivy does not fart, but farting while coughing or sneezing.

I mean, farting is bad enough when you do it in public, especially if you think it's going to be silent and it's not, or you think it's not going to smell that bad and it really does, and there's no one else to blame it on. But then when you're coughing or sneezing and it pops out, yeah, that's not cool. And okay, I've heard from some women also as you get older, and I hope this doesn't happen to me, I've not had kids, so I'm kind of crossing my fingers, you cough or you sneeze, you pee a little bit or a lot.

What does happen to me, though? I am a woman. I menstruate. Sometimes you cough or sneeze and you push stuff out, and I guess nobody knows. It's not like you're just expelling clotted blood at the other people around you, but it feels like it. So you cough or sneeze and then this little clot pops out and you're just, like, embarrassed. Like other people know. I hope they don't. I'm terrified that they do. 2s

IVY

I think you broke me. The idea of projectile menstrual blood, I find that really amusing. I kind of love that idea. I wouldn't want somebody to do that to me. I mean, it would be awkward if you did that to somebody else. But it's funny to think about the idea of projectile menstrual blood. All right, I'm probably going to have dreams about that tonight.

Okay. This one? Yeah. It doesn't really affect me because I am so nervous about this that, again, my sphincter is just it clamps down. Nothing is coming out. Nothing's happening around other people or near other people. It's just not going to happen. But what does happen sometimes is if you get a little bit too much oil and you're working on somebody and you go over, like, the back of the knee or the inside of the elbow, you get a little air pocket, and then that also sounds like a fart. I hope they felt the vibration on their skin so they know that was an air pocket. Oh, dear God. Don't think that I farted. So that's stuff that does happen to me. I don't actually fart, but I have things that happen that sound kind of like farts, and that's embarrassing.

Although probably nothing is more embarrassing than when you queef during sex. That's probably the most embarrassing because I don't even know how to address that. I already don't like to talk about farts, and so to have something happen during sex that sounds like a fart is embarrassing enough. But then to have to explain that that actually came from my vagina, that's even worse. There's no smooth way out of that situation. You just have to have to hope at that point that they do fart, because then at least it seems like you're even.

AUTUMN

The only thing that makes that worse is if they're going down on you when that happens, and that's not good. And then sometimes, depending, I mean, you don't have it because your sphincter - your butthole's got your back. Not everybody's butthole's got their back. And so sometimes you're having sex, you get excited and you fart. Guys and girls, it happens. I think these are things we just don't talk about. This is why we treat sex as embarrassing for these moments.

IVY

Right here I am blushing so much during this episode, and I'm running so warm. I'm, like, actively sweating with how awkward and embarrassing so many of these situations actually are.

AUTUMN

Closely related to that one then, is having your stomach rumble in the middle of a quiet class meeting.

I was in mental health for a while, and I was counseling people for a little bit while as an intern, and that is the most embarrassing thing. I'm sure this happens to Ivy, too. But if you're in a position where everything is quiet and it's just you and another person and your stomach starts, it's not even just a grumble. It's not like a grrr. It's when your stomach starts being all[horrible whale imitation noises]. Like it's fucking whale or something, trying to reach out to its homeland, and it's louder than the person talking to you. I don't know if it is, but it sounds like it is, and you're both trying to continue going. But then if you're really lucky, like, somehow the looping kicks in, and then their stomach starts doing it. And then both of your stomachs are talking to each other, which is really funny. But again, you're talking about somebody's suicidal ideation. So it's not like you can crack up about this at the moment.

IVY

I mean, you can if they crack up about it first, because then it's fair game. This situation happens a lot in my field. You guys are getting a lot of information about what it's like to be a massage therapist in this episode. This is every massage therapist worst nightmare, pretty much is that you didn't eat enough or you ate too much before a massage session. And then you're working on somebody's back, your stomach is right next to their head, and then your tummy starts rumbling and making all sorts of sounds right next to their ear, and everything else is quiet. Worst case scenario, it's especially bad if you don't have any music or if the music happens to cut out just as your tummy starts to rumble.

I do appreciate it, though, when you get that feedback loop with each other and their stomach also starts to make noise because it makes it way less awkward. And then usually you both kind of make a joke about how they're talking to each other, and that really alleviates things.

But if it's just my tummy that's rumbling and making a whole bunch of noises, that is horrifying. Every time, it's horrifying. And it always seems to happen when I'm working on their back or working on their neck. So I am as close to their head as one can possibly get before my stomach starts trying to talk directly at them. It's like trying to whisper to them, but it's not whispering very quietly. It's really loud. My tummy has no volume control.

AUTUMN

So let's skip on down to number 25 on the list: When you hold the door for someone but realize that they're actually kind of far away, so they have to do the awkward skipping thing and you feel awful.

Okay, I have to say, this one is not relatable to me, because I'm always on the awkward skipping end of things. I don't know if I just look like I'm closer than I actually am or I give some sort of aggressive look that says, you better hold the door for me. I don't know, but I get people trying to hold the door for me all the time. And I'm always too far away and I'm just like, no, just go in. And even if they do hold the door, like it's some weird door and then they have to keep holding it and then I'm sneaking by them, trying to not touch them. Don't hold the door for me ever.

And so that's what I do. Like the whole do on to others as you would have them do on to you. I don't hold the door for people. Even if you're right behind me, it's probably going to slam in your face. And you better be prepared for that because am not going to try to fuck with your speed and movement. I assume that you are capable of dealing with the door. If not, I'll stop and make a whole deal because I see you're not capable of dealing with the door. Like you have a walker or something and it's not an automatic door, then I will stop and make sure that's happening. But beyond that, no, you got the door. I got the door. Let's just agree to stop fucking holding doors for each other, please.

IVY

I'm actually pretty sure in our last episode I was bitching out Neurotypicals for doing that thing where they know you're too far away, but they hold the door open for you anyway. So obviously this is one of those ones for me not necessarily awkward. Well, I mean, it is kind of awkward because then I do feel compelled to do the weird skipping thing to catch up. But I feel like it's less awkward and more annoying. I will hold the door open for somebody sort of if you're right behind me, I'll do that thing where I leave my hand on the door as I'm going in until you have your hand on the door. It's like passing a baton, but door style. I feel like that's what that is.

But I don't hold the door open for somebody who's super far away unless it is somebody who has obvious mobility issues, who I know is going to struggle to get that door open for themselves. And then I will stand there and I will hold that door open for them however long it takes, and I don't care. It may be a little bit awkward, me standing there, but I'll just give them that weird take your time, kind of smile, and I'll just deal with the awkwardness. But that's the only time.

AUTUMN

Also, on this note, I find it awkward when you accidentally get a doorman. When all of a sudden some dude's like, I'll hold the door for you, and then there's a person behind you, and then a person behind them, and all of a sudden they're just holding the door for, like, six people. It is awkward on the other end because usually you're with somebody and that somebody's gone in, and now all of a sudden, you're literally just stuck holding the door for this party of 20. I'm kind of done. Like, I'm not getting paid for this. I thought it was going to be a 20 second commitment. I'm now here for the next five minutes.

IVY

I don't do the doorman bit. You've got to be literally right behind me taking the door off of my hand, and my hands aren't going to stay there for a super long time. You have a limited window of opportunity. I'm continuing to walk through. As soon as my hand slides off that door, you're getting the door for yourself. That's how I avoid the doorman situation. I never stand back and hold the door open for one person, and I never stop moving as I'm going through the door. You have that limited window of opportunity. If my hand is off the door by the time you start walking through it, you're on your own. That's it.

Because I have seen too many people get stuck in the doorman situation. Someplace that's crowded. So crowded that there's not enough space for all of the people entering to get all the way in. For instance, a crowded restaurant. It's dinner time, everybody's showing up, and you have these big parties of eight to ten people because they came as this big family thing. I've seen way too many people get stuck being the doorman because half those people get in, but the lobby area is so crowded that the other half in. And now you're stuck out there with those people that you don't know holding the door. And it's just a bad situation all the way around.

So I never let myself fall into the doorman situation. It's not going to happen. People get a limited window of opportunity with the courtesy hold. It is literally passing a baton. If you are not there, that baton is dropping to the ground. I did my part. The responsibility is no longer mine.

AUTUMN

I always get stuck doormaning when it's the person with the mobility issue because I did stop and they had a walker, and I'm like, I'll get the door. I'll make small talk. Hey, no, take your time. How are you doing? Blah, blah, blah. They get up, they finally get through the door, and then there's three groups behind them because that person was walking slowly and nobody wanted to pass him. And now I'm the doorman. That's usually how I get sucked into it.

IVY

See, the mistake that you're making there then is that you hold the door open for the person with the mobility issue, but then you swing in right behind them. That's how I have always avoided it.

AUTUMN

I want to try to handle it that way. I do, but I mean, with my physical grace that we've already discussed in this episode, I'm scared I'm just going to end up like, body humping this poor old woman from behind because I didn't judge the speed correctly or her position. And so I had to try to dodge in behind and I just full frontal body their back body, bumping her into the walker. That's my fear.

Okay, I'm going to skip on now to number 29: You're walking past a coworker, and you already said hello earlier, and then everyone's making that weird flat smile.

I'd like to hope that everybody knows the weird flat smile. Just that don't know what to do in this situation kind of awkwardness. Love that smile. That's one of my facial expressions I actually know how to make. At least I think I do. I've not made it in a mirror, so I'm not 100% sure.

But this does happen where you get into a situation, you're like, oh, hi, how are you doing? And then you're walking down the same hallway, or you see each other at the desk two minutes later, and do you continue to say hello?

Luckily, I'm not in an office environment anymore, but something similar does happen in my customer service where it gets really busy in there. And so I try to greet people as they come in because I'm the only person in the store. It's a small store. And I'm like, hey, how are you doing? Hey, how are you doing? But too many people come in at once and too much is going on. And then I greet the person that I've already greeted again. But it's the same phrase. And so they can tell that it's like the canned “Hello, I have not seen you yet” greeting. And then if it's really bad, I do it a third time. Usually at that point the customer typically leaves because I'm just canned greeting them like three times. Because again, it's a small store, so it's like you can't keep track of six people? And I'm like, yes, I cannot keep track of six people.

IVY

Look, when you have face blindness and everybody is an extra in your life, you can't keep track of six people because all six people look exactly the same. So I get it. I totally get it. This one doesn't happen to me anymore because I don't work with other people. And even when I did work with other people, I don't feel like this happened to me because I didn't care enough about the social niceties and scripts.

Once I've said hello, I've said hello. That part of our business is done. The greeting has already happened. Now we go on about our day. Ideally not interact with each other again while we're at work. We did the greeting, it's obligatory. We will do the goodbye, which is also obligatory, and everything in between? I don't see why we need to really talk to each other much.

But I think that is also a luxury of being in this field because for most of your day you don't see your coworkers. You may see somebody at the beginning of shift and at the end of shift, but not see them for the entire rest of the day because your schedules don't line up. You just forget that they're even there until the end of the day. So I think that's one of the luxuries of this profession is that you don't have these kinds of interaction because there's not really those water cooler moments. Once I've said hello, that part of our business is done and I will probably just ignore you for the rest of the day unless we actually have direct business with each other. That's generally how I operate.

AUTUMN

I'm over here laughing because in our last episode you were also this cut and dry about goodbyes. Because we talked about when you say goodbye and then you're walking along with each other and then you have to say it again, or do you not? And you were like, no, I've said goodbye. I'm not saying it again. That's not my issue. And it amuses me so much because to me it sounds so autistic. Like I have issued the appropriate goodbye, I owe you nothing. Now, the same way with the hello, I have given you the greeting. What more do you want from me? It just feels very autistic. It feels like something I should be able to do, but I can't.

IVY

If you were not a people pleaser, you would be able to do it. The role that you played in our family required you to be a people pleaser. Whereas I generally felt like I could do nothing right anyway. So I do the obligatory stuff and then after that I only do what I want to do and nothing else. Which is probably part of the reason I have heard indirectly, not directly, but indirectly I have heard at so many workplaces that coworkers find me intimidating. I hear it from another coworker that I kind of talk to outside of work, but not at work because I don't socialize at work.

Really? Why should I do extra? Why go above and beyond in social situations? It's so tedious.

AUTUMN

Like, I totally understand that. So there are many times - because for our childhood, part of it was very bad, and I basically ended up raising Ivy for a little while. And there are so many things that I regret and oh, you know, is she making this choice or did this happen because I didn't prepare her or I wasn't good enough for her? And this is one of the few times that I hear her and I'm like, yep, I raised that girl up right. She provides the obligatory requirements and nothing else. Good for her. That's what came to my head, is like, yes, I did right by her in this area. I don't know if it's good or not.

IVY

I think it's pretty good. I feel like I avoid a lot of unnecessary situations that would aggravate me simply because I can't be bothered to deal with them. So I don't know, I kind of appreciate it. I think it's a positive thing. Although I think I got a little bit of a blend of you and Grandma. Because I got the no fucks given from you, sort of. But I got the way too anxious to do this again from Grandma. Because I feel like Grandma struggled to even say the first hello. There was definitely not going to be a second one. And I feel like I kind of got a little bit of that too, because it's not just a no fucks given. It's also this is way too anxiety inducing for me to do a second time. I did it once, okay? Once a day is all I can do. And if I have multiple coworkers, then I actually did it more than once a day. And now this has become really overwhelming. So I am choosing to not give a fuck, because that is less strenuous for me than dealing with the anxiety of feeling compelled to do it again.

AUTUMN

I totally respect that. I totally respect all of that.

Okay, let's go to number 30 on our list: Coming out of a public toilet after laying a beast, and there's somebody waiting to go into the cubicle.

It's definitely embarrassing when you stink the bathroom up and then you have to go out. But for some reason, for me, it's almost more embarrassing when it wasn't you. Like, you ran into the bathroom, it already stinks, or there's poop freshly spread on the walls, but you just got to go. So you go, and then you go to leave, and there's somebody waiting to come in, and you want to be like, but that wasn't me.

For whatever reason, if I did it, I'm kind of like, yeah, humans poop. But when it's not me, I'm like, no, that's not my smell. I didn't do this. And I want to explain that to them, but then I think that's TMI, so I don't. But then they're always thinking like, wow, she just really spread shit on the wall. It's not like it wasn't me.

IVY

I'm going to share another super embarrassing story that is going to make me blush like a motherfucker. Okay? So once one of the places that I was working at, I sort of had a friend there. We didn't talk to each other openly, but we would exchange emails. And so I was kind of on friendly terms with her. And we happened to meet up at the bathroom. She was coming out as I was going in, and she hand signaled to me that the bathroom was stinky because there was somebody in there. But I don't play charades. I really suck at understanding body language alone. And it didn't occur to me that she was doing silently for a reason.

So I just said at normal volume, it's okay. I'm sick, so I can't smell anything anyway. And I actually did figure out who was in the stall, who was laying the beast. And then I felt really bad because the company that I was working at also was where my adoptive dad worked at. And the person that was in the stall was somebody who worked in his department. She knew my voice really well. We never discussed it. We never addressed it.

But it was an embarrassing situation for all three of us because obviously it was embarrassing for her, it was embarrassing to me because I said something out loud, and it was embarrassing for the coworker that tried to warn me because the other person who went into that stall knew she was in the bathroom with her. So I made the situation awkward for all three of us.

So yeah, don't ever try to do hand signals at me because I won't understand it. And then I'll say or do something really stupid. That's another one that haunts me in the middle of the night sometimes. This is also part of the reason that I will not go into a bathroom that only has one or two stalls. If I have to take a shit in a public bathroom, that bathroom has to have at least three stalls. But the more stalls, the safer I feel. And I try to pull my feet up off the ground a little bit so that they can't identify me by my shoes when I come out. I put way too much thought and planning into this, I'm telling you.

AUTUMN

I feel like you can't be the only one, though. I feel like there should be a nervous pooper kit or something. And it comes with these little suction cup stirrups that you can stick to the door so your feet can go up in those. And maybe a false fart sound that you can drop in a couple of other booths that make kind of weird noises so it all distracts from you.

You're just over here like, yee, poop faster. Poop faster. Because I don't know if that happens either, though. That's embarrassing. Like when you're in public pooping and of course you try to get as many stalls away, but sometimes you can't and it's a really hard poop, but you really got to go. And you make squeaky noises. You don't intend to, but you're just straining because it's got to come out. But you're like, oh, that's not cool. I would almost rather fart loudly with like the splash in the toilet than the little grunty noises that have to happen.

IVY

You broke me again. I laughed all the way through that. I'm glad I had my microphone muted for that, because otherwise nobody would have been able to hear what you were saying. Okay. Yes. Although I think what's even worse is when you're straining, when you make the squeaky sound with your voice, but also a squeaky fart. Yes. You're squeaking out of both ends. A one person chorus. Yeah, I think that's worse. I think that's even worse than the really loud, gross fart in the splash in the toilet. It's like this squeaky fart with the squeaky voice. At the same time, they're just doing harmony with each other,

AUTUMN

Because then I start wondering, does it sound like I'm doing something else in here? Like, am I doing something inappropriate with mice or something? And that's what they're accusing me of. Like, I don't even know at that point. Okay. All right, we're going to move on from this whole talk. I feel like this has gotten worse and worse.

Number 31 on the list: when you run out of things to say during a conversation and you're not quite sure how to end it. I can't say that this is specifically socially awkward because I feel like that is just my social life. I thought you just kind of stumbled your way blindly through conversations. And now I'm beginning to fear that other people, I don't know, have a rhythm in the conversation and there's some life to it that they're aware of, that they're just continuing it. Because I am just randomly spewing out any words that I can because I don't know what's happening in most, like, superficial social conversations. So I don't know how to feel awkward over this when this is just how I socialize.

IVY

So in this situation, when I feel awkward about not knowing what to say next to end a conversation, I opt instead to make the other person feel even more awkward by ghosting them in real time. I just pull an Irish goodbye. If there's nothing else to be said, I just stop talking and then I go back to what I was doing before.

This actually happened at the gym the other day. Somebody came up and talked to me and we were kind of chatting for a few minutes, and then the conversation started to die down and we got that first moment of awkward silence. And in my mind I was like, well, I have nothing else to say and I got to do this next set. So I just put my earbuds back in and went back to working out without actually ending the conversation.

And I find that that is how I handle this situation. More often than not. I don't try to fill the silence. I don't really even wait for the other person to try to come up with some way to cut the conversation off. I just go back to what I was doing, or I literally just walk away from it or put my earbuds in. Go back to doing hip thrusts, apparently, because I don't know what else to do.

I know I'm going to freeze up. I won't think of anything else to say. I don't know how you're supposed to delicately end the conversation. That is yet another reason why I love my profession, because you know when the conversation is over, when the time limit is over for your massage, that box is showing that 60 minutes session or that 90 minutes session. As soon as that is done, we're done, because I have another client after you, or I have to leave after this. And you're only paying me for this amount of time.

That is one of the biggest perks of being a massage therapist. The conversation ends when your massage length ends. Otherwise, I don't know how to end conversations because almost all of my conversations end with, “Okay, we're out of time now. How are you feeling?” And I feel like that's a great way to end a conversation so that I just get to leave.

And I think this has made me somewhat complacent in the rest of my life because, well, maybe I could just start doing that in regular conversations. Next time there's a lag in conversation with some random person at the gym, I'll be like, “Okay, well, we're all out of time. How are you feeling?” I'll see if that works next time. Maybe that's nicer, at least than the Irish goodbye, as long as it doesn't start another conversation.

AUTUMN

Okay, so two things from everything you just said is one) yes, can we not just make this the go to? Like, all of us just get together as a society, and we just make that when the conversation starts stalling out, we just go, “Well, we're out of time. How are you feeling?” And then we're just I want that to be the new thing for everyone, not just something Ivy's trying out there in Seattle. Everybody needs to do this.

The second) I'm not really familiar with exercises, so I don't know what hip thrusts are, and so in my mind, you just stop the conversation, put earbuds in, and then we're, like, dry humping the air at the person. Which I think I want to stay with the first exit of the conversation. I don't want to go with the dry humping earbuds. Just saying.

IVY

That is a very good point that I did not think of. Hip thrusts are kind of like doing bridges. So you're kind of like - I don't even know - now I'm embarrassed. I don't even know how to describe them. You know what? I'll post a picture or to tutorial video on our resources page. If you don't know what hip thrusts are, you can either just go with what Autumn was imagining, which is awkward but very amusing, or you can go to our resources page and learn proper form for how to do hip thrusts at the gym so that you can also use that as a way to escape uncomfortable conversations with people.

AUTUMN

Okay, so if it is like a bridge and it's what I'm imagining, that's even better, because my mind how it works is just like they're presenting their genitals. They're presenting their genitals with each time it comes up. And so you did literally just like: earbuds in. Genitals, genitals, genitals. That's totally what happened in my mind and I think in reality.

IVY

I'm going to think about this one forever. You are really just giving me nightmare fodder, because that is literally what happened in reality. And I didn't even think about it that way because in my mind, the conversation was over. I had nothing else to say. They obviously had nothing else to say. And I didn't want to take too long of a break in between sets because you're not supposed to do that. So I didn't even think about that. I did just randomly present my genitals to somebody out of nowhere because the conversation was no longer interesting to me.

AUTUMN

I think that's how some dates have ended too. Just for the record.

IVY

I think a lot of dates have ended that way throughout the history of humanity. I feel like that's mostly what happens on Tinder. From what I've gathered from all of my friends who do online dating now, it's usually just this person is atrocious at conversation and I don't want to be in a relationship with them, but I got out of the awkwardness of having a conversation with them by fucking them instead.

AUTUMN

Okay, let's not make that the new way to end conversations.

All right. So, number 36: someone is showing everyone in the group something on their phone and waiting until it's your turn. Okay, so this one I don't have this one specifically because, like I said, everybody's an extra. I don't have a lot of close social connections. What becomes awkward with me is when somebody's showing pictures to everyone on their phone and I don't know if I'm involved or if I just happen to walk into the break room at that moment. And so I'm like, do I look and then be creepy because I'm not part of this actual situation and I'm just pushing myself in? Or do I not look and seem rude and disinterested in whatever it is they're showing? That's what's awkward for me. I don't know if I belong here or not.

IVY

My way of dealing with it is how I deal with a lot of other socially awkward situations, especially in a group setting, is I just extricate myself from the situation before it even becomes like a question. While they're showing everybody else what's on their phone, I recognize what's happening. I don't know where I stand in this, so I'm going to go to the bathroom.

What becomes really awkward, though, is if I go to the bathroom but there's somebody in the bathroom and now I'm standing there awkwardly in the hall waiting for somebody to come out of the bathroom, which is an awkward situation as well. So I've removed myself from one awkward situation and placed myself in another awkward situation.

And what's even more absurd about the whole thing is that I put myself in that situation purely to escape the other awkward situation. And I don't even actually have to use the bathroom. But now I've dedicated myself to this course, and now I have to follow through because if I go back to the break room where everybody's being shown a picture on their phone one, I get sucked back into that particular awkwardness and –

No, I completely lost my train of thought. It's gone. I don't even know where the fuck I was before that. What the fuck? I was doing so good today too, and then my brain just shit out on me right there.

AUTUMN

Okay, so this one is not on the list, but I do want to talk about this. And maybe it's just a neurodivergent thing, but when you're in the middle of saying something to someone, and you completely forget what the fuck you were saying, and usually at this point, you have their attention, and it was like something like, yeah, I need to communicate this. And they're so focused on you. And then you're just like, train just derailed. Fucking disappeared off the tracks. Like, where did it go? And you're just left with all their attention.

Even worse if it's multiple people's attention, and then they're just staring at you, and you're just like, no fucking clue. I don't even honestly know what I was just saying before the train ran away. And what do you do with that? Because that happens. It happens to me.

IVY

Normally, we cut out the moments where I lose my train of thought because they happen on a regular basis, which, you know, if you're on our Patreon. Because that ends up going on the blooper reels every time I lose my fucking train of thought, which is about eight times an episode. But now, since Autumn brought up that point, and it's a good one, now I got to leave it in there. So now this is an awkward nightmare for me.

So I was talking about removing myself from one awkward situation and putting myself into another awkward situation, but Inception, I just fucking put myself in an awkward situation, telling a story about how I escape awkward situations and end up in other awkward situations.

This just spiraled out of control. The train didn't just go off the rails this time. It went to, like, Jupiter. I don't fucking know. But yeah, a picture showing is awkward. Waiting outside a bathroom need to actually go to the bathroom is awkward. And losing your train of thought in the middle of a conversation is also awkward, especially you now are sharing that with the rest of the world.

AUTUMN

I do think all of us do this on some occasion. We all have those brain farts, though, where you lose it. My go to, though, is the overconfidence. And so I just wrap up and assume, all right, then. So blah, blah, blah. We know what we're doing. All right, good job today. Or go forward now. And everybody usually is just mildly confused about, like, wait, did I not understand the point? But I don't want to ask her because she seemed intelligent. And I'm like, thank God, because no, I fucking have no idea what I just said at all.

IVY

You know, the worst thing about this situation right here is I can't even run away to escape the situation. Because one) Autumn needs me here to continue the podcast. Well, she could probably carry on the podcast by herself. She's very good at filling silence and overconfidence. So on that front, I probably could escape for the rest of the podcast. But I can't do my usual run to the bathroom because somebody's in the bathroom right now.

So going back to what we were talking about before, just hanging out outside the bathroom, waiting to go in there, waiting for somebody else to come out when you don't even need to use the bathroom. All so you can avoid an awkward situation. This whole thing became very real very fast.

AUTUMN

Okay. All right, let's get our train back on track here. Go to number 37 on the list, which I feel many of us women can relate to, being expected to make polite conversation while having a gynecological exam. There you are, legs spread wide, someone stuffing something up your vagina, and you're expected to be able to talk about the weather.

And I'm like, yes, and this is horrible. I'm not sure which is more horrible. When they're making small talk, which is right, they're scraping things off of whatever's up there, and it hurts, and you're talking about the weather. Or because I have medical phobia and medical issues, they're graphically describing everything they do. Okay, I'm just going to insert this now. And we're spreading it. We're at the number three. We're going up to number four. All right, we're at number five. And I'm just going to reach - I don't want to know. This is blow by blow making it worse. But then you've got the third option, which is just silence, which is not better, sadly, than the other two options. This is just a horrible situation anyways. I don't feel like there's any way for this not to be awkward. Okay.

IVY

Not only is there no way to avoid the awkwardness completely, I can one up the usual awkwardness of being expected to make small talk with the gynecologist, because at least twice when I've gone to get my PAP smear, the person performing the procedure, they were, like, messing around in there. And I was very confused about what was going on because it seemed like it was taking longer than usual, and they seemed very flustered. Only for them to at some point say, “I can't find your cervix.”

It was especially awkward the first time because I was like, you're literally supposed to be able to find these. You see lots of women. You see the insides of lots of women all the time. So if you can't find my cervix, my question then is, where did it go? Because if you can't find it, I find that concerning. Surely I still have one.

But after that exchange, I did actually figure out, for future reference, exactly where my cervix hangs out so that if it ever happened again, I would be able to direct them as to where to find my cervix. And sure as shit, it happened again. The last time I went in for one, they were rummaging around in there. And this time I didn't say anything. But this time, I kind of knew what was up.

And her words were “I can't find your cervix. I'm going to have to get the bigger speculum, which we normally only have to use on bigger girls. But I can't find your cervix with this smaller one.” Which was a whole lot of awkward because I was like, I don't know really what that means, but that sounds very - the way you said it sounded very disrespectful. I don't know if I should be offended here, because shit was implied.

She was so confused because she was like, but you're so skinny. Because this was a few years ago and I was really tiny. She was like, “You're so skinny, but I'm going to have to use the bigger speculum that we use on bigger girls because I can't find your cervix. Your cervix is missing, essentially.” Aand I was not prepared for that part of it. I was prepared to tell her where my cervix was, which I did. It's up in the left hand corner. I knew that. I didn't know how to respond to “I'm going to need a bigger speculum that we usually use on larger girls.” I don't know what you want me to say to that. I don't have a response for that one at all because that one kind of sounds fat phobic. I don't know. I have no idea. It was a very awkward situation. It's awkward enough when the gynecologist can't find your cervix. It's even more awkward when she lets you know that she's going to have to use a bigger speculum.

AUTUMN

I don't know if you were actually, like, mimicking the tone they gave you, but if you were, that's even worse. Because they're saying it like it somehow it’s something you did. Like, you left it at home in the cupboard, or you didn't put it back where it belongs. Like, I can't find your cervix. Where do you think you left it? Where did you see it last, Ivy? Or I can't find your cervix. Obviously this is your fault. Let me punish you. What the hell? Why would you know where it is? Like, you just took it out and set it on the back of the toilet, and you're like, oh, I forgot to bring it today.

IVY

I mean, that is pretty much what it was. The first time I kind of gave them a pass because it was a dude, and I thought, okay, yeah, you should know where this is. You're a gynecologist. You should know how to do this. You should be able to locate a cervix on pretty much any woman, but you're a dude. I'll give you a pass. You don't have a cervix. Maybe you did think that I left it somewhere. Maybe you think it's in my purse and I got to rummage around and pull it out. I don't know.

But the second time, I was super confused because it was a woman, and I thought, you definitely have one of these yourself. You definitely do these examinations on a lot of other women. I'm just very surprised that after rummaging around in there for the last five minutes, you still can't find it.

AUTUMN

Maybe that's why they're so accusatory. They're feeling defensive that they couldn't find it. Because, honestly, seriously, this is, like, literally your job to find the cervix. Like, come on, man.

IVY

Maybe so. Yeah, maybe they're just really defensive when they have a ghost cervix that they can't find it. But it was definitely awkward. Both times it was very awkward. But I am very intimately familiar now with where my cervix is at exactly. And maybe the next time I go in for a pap smear I'll just give them a heads up right away. Just be like, my cervix likes to run away. It's in the upper left hand corner. You're probably going to have to dig around, but dig in that direction.

AUTUMN

I feel like out of context, I mean, even in context, that has got to be one of the weirdest sentences to ever be spoken.

Okay, let's go ahead and move on to number 38 on the list. Very simple: card declining.

And this is definitely very awkward. And if you're like me and you're paranoid and you're like, well, what if I didn't enter my PIN number? Right? You've always got to get it declined at least twice because you don't know for sure. Like, maybe that's why, because you should have the money. And it is everybody's got a little bit of judgment. Everybody kind of looks away.

It's nice, but it's also really super awkward when your card gets declined and then somebody behind you is like, oh, I'll pay for your stuff. That is really awkward for me. It's nice and I appreciate it, especially if it's something I need. But, oh, the social obligation that then goes into that offer. It's not like, oh, I can't accept charity. It's just like, this is a social bond that I don't understand what I'm committing to at this time. And it's like signing a contract that you can't read. I am so uncomfortable with that. And so then do you just say, no, it's never a good situation.

IVY

This one's just a painful awkward. I don't think this is one that - I'm sure there are some people that can take it lightly and make a joke out of it - it is definitely not one that I can make a joke out of. It has not happened very often over the course of my life. But it is mortifying when it does happen. It's also terrifying because you're like, but I know I had money. I know I had money. Where did my money go? It's like my cervix, apparently it ran away.

Thankfully, the last time this happened, I was in a panic, obviously, because I'm like, no, that can't be right. There's money there. And come to find out, it was just that particular gas station's machine did not like my card because I was able to go to another gas station and pay for it there just fine. It was not a problem. Just that one gas station didn't like my card. And I don't even know why. But it is painful when that happens. And it's terrifying because then you have to check and make sure that you actually have money. And that one, you're not crazy and think you had more money than you actually had. And two, that somebody didn't get into your bank account and take your money. Those are both horrifying things. And then the social awkwardness of having your card declined and front of other people and not knowing how to handle that either.

Yeah, there's no humor in this one to me. I'm sure there are people that can find humor in it, but I am not among them. Money and financial security are too trauma inducing for me for that to go wrong and me still be able to find a way to laugh about it.

AUTUMN

I agree with that and I do feel like with this one, it's sad that it is awkward because it is a little bit of that poor shaming. I'm sorry but some of us don't have money sometimes and some of us are run so ragged by so many things we don't realize the money is not there or not in the account, or that you have a joint checking account and somebody spent it on some other need for the kid or the groceries or whatever. It happens. People run out of money. That's not a personal failing.

People forget what card they're using or if money is in there. That's also not a personal failing. Shit just happens. This one I'd like to see less embarrassment over just because of that. Let's stop poor shaming people or executive dysfunction shaming people, whatever it happens to be.

IVY

I don't generally splash myself with water when I'm washing my hands. Not on me in any sort of way that it's going to be noticeable. But what does happen to me every single time I wash dishes, and is very embarrassing because I am a grown ass adult who should have been able to master this by now - My biggest foe in the world are spoons. Because no matter what, no matter how old I get, no matter how many dishes I wash, every fucking time I wash a spoon I get that fan of water effect and it hits me every single time.

I cannot wash dishes if there was a spoon in there. I cannot wash dishes without splashing the living shit out of myself with those stupid spoons. I hate it so much I try not to even use spoons unless it's absolutely necessary, unless it's something like soup. I try not to even use a spoon because I hate washing them so much. They are the villain in the story of my life.

AUTUMN

I feel like it's a little bit doubly unfair as a woman too because either you splash yourself in the crotch so now it looks like you peed yourself or you splash yourself in the boobs and now it looks like you're lactating. Like neither is good. Like at least if you're a guy and you splash a shirt it's like oh, his shirt's wet. You splash it as a girl, there is that little question is she leaking breast milk? That's also embarrassing. So as a girl, it's double the potential for awkwardness there.

Okay, so we're at the last one on our list today. And this is number 40: when you are home alone, so you take a poop with the door open and then you suddenly hear the front door of the house open. I'm going to throw this one to Ivy because I want to know what happens or if she avoids this situation completely.

IVY

I avoid this situation completely. It does not matter if I’m home by myself, that bathroom door is closed and it is locked. Even if I'm not anticipating Kelvin to be home that same day. Maybe he's on a fishing trip with friends for the weekend. I don't know if he's suddenly going to come back. So no, I always lock that door every single time.

I mean, even if I'm not expecting it's going to be Kelvin. You know that part of your brain that has to pull open the shower curtain to make sure there's not a killer in there before you sit down to take a shit? There is also that part of my brain that says the one time you leave that bathroom door open, somebody is going to break in. A homicidal maniac is going to break into your home while you're taking a shit. And because that bathroom door is open, you have one fewer line of defense against i. And they'll see you pooping at the very end of your life, which is horrifying. Being murdered is horrifying enough. Being murdered while you're pooping is even more horrifying.

Although I think the only thing that I get close to with this situation is there's been a few times where we couldn't fit all of our spare toilet paper in the bathroom. So I had to find another cabinet in the apartment to store the rest of it. And you're going and you realize you don't have any more toilet paper in the bathroom.

This is especially bad if you're somebody else's house. You go in there even if you're just peeing, you go in and you realize, fuck, there's no toilet paper here. That's horrifying. But it's especially horrifying when you're taking a shit and you realize you don't have any toilet paper in that bathroom. Maybe all the rest of your toilet paper is in another bathroom.

So what are you going to do now? You either have to hop in the shower really quick and just do a bidet-ish sort of thing, if you're not lucky enough to have a bidet. Or you got to do that thing where you shuffle your pants down to wherever the rest of your toilet paper is and hope to God nobody sees you while you're doing the toilet paper poop shuffle.

AUTUMN

The toilet paper poop shuffle of shame is what that is. And I think we've all been there.

I really should be more careful. Like I'm not a nervous pooper. And I think I should be more nervous because the way our bathroom set up, it just has a curtain that goes across it. We're off grid. It's a whole weird setup. And for whatever reason the way we end up setting the house, when the curtains open, you look directly out the front door. But nobody ever comes to the house. So unfortunately a lot of times I do - I just sit down on the pot. Curtains open, front doors open.

I know to God someday I'm going to be pooping looking at my phone, not paying attention. Dogs are going to start barking. There's going to be an Amish person standing at my door watching me take a shit in my house. I should probably become more nervous because I feel like I'm really exposed with my current bathroom situation.

IVY

What you just described is going to give me nightmares tonight. Now I'm going to have nightmares about pooping with the doors wide open and somebody just showing up. As it is, I already get nervous when Kelvin and I go camping and you got to poop in the woods. Because sometimes you just have to, it's got to happen. Which is in some ways less embarrassing because I'm not as worried about people coming up on me.

But in some ways more embarrassing because there's all these wild critters around, and you don't know what all is there. I even feel bad because it's like insects on the ground. I don't know how many insects there are down there. Maybe I'm taking a dump on a spider and I don't even know it. There's so many things to be nervous about in the woods. And we do have mountain lions here, so there's always the chance that I'll get attacked by a mountain lion someday while I'm pooping, which is horrifying to think about.

Although the last time we went camping - this is just last weekend we went camping and we had packed up all of our stuff and we were heading out, but we were really far up the mountain and we hadn't seen any other people. No other cars the entire time that we were up there because we go off-roading and we go really far out. So we stopped to go to the bathroom one more time before we headed out for the day. I thought I picked a spot that was totally fine and completely secluded and it seemed like the perfect spot.

Thank God I finished just in time because as I was trying to bury my poop, apparently there was a hiking trail right next to where I pooped. As I was trying to bury it, some dude came up that hiking trail. Thank God he did not pass by while I was in the midst of a squat.

But it was still like part of me was embarrassed still because I'm pretty sure he knew what I was doing. Otherwise why are you standing off the trail - that I didn't even notice was there - Why are you standing off the trail digging around in the ground amongst a bunch of trees that usually only means one thing. And then my brain started really going and then I got into my mind. It was like, oh wait, what if he actually had and I just didn't hear him. But what if he actually had started coming up that hill while I was taking a shit and he noticed somebody was taking a shit it. So he just quietly backed up until I was done and he felt like it was safe to pass. And I have thought about that several times this week.

All things regarding poop are horrifying to me. It's so horrifying to me. And Kelvin loves to fuck with me. So every time I have to take a shit in the woods, he's like, I'm going to go find it. No, you're not. I will strangle you if you find my poop. Not allowed, stay away. I don't even let him go in the directions I went in to poop. I would make sure I hide it really well. Not that he actually would go and do it. He just likes to scare me. And it does it scared me a lot. Every time. I'm always nervous about him accidentally stumbling across my poo.

AUTUMN

And then when it comes to - I feel like pooping in the woods with that as well - I am a nervous pooper in the woods because there are all these bugs and things and snakes and stuff is touching your butt and I don't know what it is. And so the whole time I'm out there pooping, I'm like screaming at things that are touching me. And my boyfriend is very loving, and he's usually somewhere near because I'm terrified of all the shit in the woods. Not my shit, but the shit in the woods. And so he's always like taking a step. Like, is she screaming because like a mountain lion's attacking you - like, come toward me. And then I'm like, no, don't come over here. I'm still pooping. It's just a snake or whatever.

Which is worse at this point? Pooping on the snake or like getting attacked mid poop with the mountain lion? Or having somebody have to rescue you when you're getting attacked by whatever mid poop. I'm not sure which is worse.

IVY

I actually have a way to make that situation even worse, because sometimes when you're squatting to take a shit in the woods, if it doesn't want to come out easily, it's like hanging half out, but your legs fall asleep because you've been squatting for so long. So just imagine it's half out, your legs are asleep, then you get attacked, and somebody has to come to your rescue.

This whole situation has just this actually sounds like one of our Unnecessarily Disastrous segments at this point. Next, the world will explode because you pooped in the wrong spot.

AUTUMN

I was thinking the same thing, that we were kind of getting off track into an Unnecessarily Disastrous, But I feel like that is the truth with things that are socially awkward and part of the reason they are social awkward because we overthink them, and we come up with these big scenarios that are like, oh, my God. But sometimes they're not. Sometimes they are very realistic and very embarrassing.

So again, whether you're neurodivergent, neurotypical, wherever you are on the mental health spectrum, socially awkward situations, they're just - it's a human experience. For good or for bad.

And we would love to hear about your socially awkward experiences, or at least what you think are the most socially awkward experiences out there. Ivy, can you throw them our connecty bits so that they can reach out and tell us about their embarrassing moments?

IVY

I certainly can. And hopefully no one will contact us to mock us for our embarrassing moments. I've really exposed myself in a lot of ways today. Even editing this episode is going to be mortifying. I'm just going to be blushing and red the entire time. It's going to be a scary experience uploading this episode.

Anyway, if you want to mock us, I guess, which please don't, especially about poop, don't mock me about that or about my missing cervix - But if you want to mock us about other things, or if you want to share your hilarious awkward situations, or if you enjoyed this episode enough that you would like us to do another round of these, and you like to contribute your thoughts on an awkward situation that we should cover, you can find us at our website www.differentfunctional.com. You can contact us on social media. We are on Facebook as Different Functional, and we are on Instagram and TikTok as Different_Functional. We are also on Patreon. You can find us there as Different Functional. And if you wanted to email us, you can email us at differentfunctional@gmail.com. Pretty sure that's all the ways to contact us.

And we would love it if you would leave us a rating, a review, drop us some comments on our social media about the episode, just any sort of interaction and contact. We would love to hear from you guys. And yeah, I think that's all I got left to say. This is my awkward Irish goodbye ghosting all of you. Now to go do some hip thrusts.

AUTUMN

Well, I was also thinking, like, one of the great things if you contact us like that, it is all digital communication and you can't do what I think is also an extremely, horribly socially awkward thing that was not on the list, which is when you talk to somebody and you accidentally spit on them. So this communication is definitely spit free. So one less socially awkward thing to worry about if you reach out and contact us. Just so you know. It's fun to throw that out there, but not, like, actually literally throw that out there. I'm not spitting on you as I say that.

IVY

I have nothing else to say. I already told you, this is my goodbye. You're making this more awkward. Just end the episode, goddamn it.

AUTUMN

That was kind of my intent to see if you would chime back in. I appreciate that you did for me. I feel special.

All right, anyways, we'll wrap this episode up for today. Thank you all for listening. As always, remember, different does not mean defective.