As we head toward Good Friday and Easter, we keep reflecting on God as Father and how his love transforms how we see ourselves and others, then we dig into the gift and difficulty of forgiveness. We walk through four questions:

1. whether we can forgive when someone doesn’t ask (we can release bitterness unilaterally even if full restoration requires repentance),
2. how to forgive when we can’t forget (remembering isn’t the same as forgiving),
3. what to do when our feelings don’t match our decision (emotions can lag like a bell’s momentum or lingering heat after the thermostat is turned off),
4. and how to forgive when we don’t want to (we can pray, “I want to want to forgive”).

We’re invited to bring our pain honestly to God, entrust justice to him, and begin the healing process in prayer.

00:00 Easter and Forgiveness

01:19 Four Forgiveness Questions

01:52 Forgiving Without Apology

03:47 Forgive Without Forgetting

05:38 When Feelings Lag

09:12 Wanting to Want Forgiveness

11:04 Lament and Letting Go

12:41 Bitterness Hurts You

14:29 Healing Invitation and Prayer

Welcome back to another episode

of In Light of the Cross and

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we are approaching Good Friday

and Easter Resurrection Sunday.

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lately we've just been talking

about God as father and how he

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loves us and calls us children.

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And, uh, how that love that we receive

from him transforms everything.

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Uh, how we view ourselves and how

we view others and our interactions

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with others and how we accept them.

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And yesterday we talked about forgiveness

the great gift of forgiveness, but also

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the great difficulty of forgiveness.

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John Wesley once said that the doctrine

of grace is the most repugnant doctrine.

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To human reason.

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Yeah.

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that we could get off scot free and

then let others get off scot-free.

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Yeah.

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it, goes against, what we think is

right, especially when we've been

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harmed by others, uh, to extend

forgiveness to them, feels repulsive.

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so we're gonna explore some of the

inner dynamics of that as we do, let's

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just calm our minds and our hearts

with a, a, pause and ask the spirit

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to speak to us through this time.

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So we're gonna look at a couple questions

of forgiveness in light of the cross.

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One of those would be, can I

forgive if that person doesn't

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seek forgiveness from me?

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The second would be, how can I

forgive when I cannot forget?

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A related one would be.

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How can I forgive when my feelings

don't feel like I've forgiven them?

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And then the fourth would be,

what if I don't want to forgive?

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And that might be the toughest question.

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Yeah, let's take those

one at a time, shall we?

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Yeah, let's do that.

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So can you forgive if someone

hasn't asked for forgiveness?

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Yes.

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Okay.

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Now there are people who disagree with me

and uh, obviously they're not as smart or

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wise, but Uhhuh, I'm just kidding there.

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Very smart people disagree.

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And I've heard many people have

this idea that forgiveness is this

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kind of covenant between two people.

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And so there has to be one person seeking

that, and I get that, but I think that's.

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putting this from a relational

issue into more of a judicial

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issue almost, or a legal thing.

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if we're talking about restitution

and fully restoring the fellowship,

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there are many times where there

has to be that act of repentance

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and seek your forgiveness, but.

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we can forgive people.

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Even without that, the relationship

may not be fully restored because

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to some degree that relationship

depends on the other person.

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Right?

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But forgiving in the sense of letting go

of my desire to hurt you, or my desire

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for hurt to happen to you because of what

you've done to me, that can be unilateral.

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That can be a decision I make, and it

has to be that way because so often.

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Most of the time the other person

is not going to ask our forgiveness.

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Mm-hmm.

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So if we can't forgive until

that happens, then we're left

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holding the bag of bitterness.

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Yeah.

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That's a good distinction to make.

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I think we are exploring your

heart posture toward other people.

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Right?

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I mean, a lot of people that need to be

forgiven in our lives are already dead.

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Yes.

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So there can't be any restoration.

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But then also in Jesus' prayer, he

says, forgive us as we forgive others.

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So that doesn't necessarily mean that

they've come up and, sought forgiveness.

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Right, exactly.

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It's great if they do, but

that's my opinion anyway.

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Yeah.

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So second question then is how

do I forgive if I can't forget?

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is forgetting the end of forgiveness?

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Is that the goal?

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No, not necessarily.

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Forgetting is more of an intellectual

act, whereas forgiveness is an

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act of the heart and the will.

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there are many things that people

have hurt me for in the past.

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I said, no one in this life

gets out of that, I think.

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Mm-hmm.

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and some of those.

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For some reason you remember,

even though they were childish, I

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remember an insult another boy gave

me when I was in seventh grade.

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Mm, yeah.

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And okay, I still remember that.

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Does that mean I haven't forgiven him?

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No, I don't care about that anymore.

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I don't, I don't remember the guy's name.

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You know, when you're a seventh grade

boy, you just do that kind of stuff.

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Mm-hmm.

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No, I've forgiven him entirely, but I

still remember it sometimes though.

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It goes beyond that because we're

remembering something that's

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a lot more painful than that.

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I get that, but my point being that

Jesus has forgiven us, not primarily

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based upon a feeling, but upon the

choice, the will, the decision that

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he made in his case, there was the

cross that made that possible, but

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ultimately it was an act of the will.

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letting someone off the hook and

saying, I'm not gonna hurt you.

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I'm not even gonna seek

to be bitter against you.

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I'm not gonna want you to get hurt

because of what you've done to me.

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That's more an act of the will.

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And as we talked about last time, it has

to come from a place of understanding

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how deeply we've been forgiven by God.

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Mm-hmm.

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forgetting is a separate

issue than forgiveness.

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Mm-hmm.

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Mm-hmm.

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And especially when there

isn't restoration possible and

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somebody's a repeat offender.

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Yeah.

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I, it's just not even

possible to forget sometimes.

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No.

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Yeah.

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Uh, and for that to be a criteria

for forgiveness, is just unnecessary.

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Yeah.

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And unrealistic.

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Yeah.

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So, but part of remembering then

is, related to our feelings.

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I mean, if somebody has hurt us deeply,

we, still feel the pain of that.

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but it sounds like you're saying,

okay, this forgiveness is, um.

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It's, it's more of a decision than

something that we feel, although

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maybe ultimately becomes feeling.

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So like how do you explain or interact

with this idea of forgiveness and

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feeling and what, do I do if I, okay.

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I feel like I'm, I'm forgiving somebody,

but I still feel really hurt by them.

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I still maybe want harm to come to them.

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how do you help us understand that?

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Yeah, that's a deeper question there.

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And it's often the case that

this is gonna be mixed up.

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We may say, okay, I forget that person.

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And yet our feelings

haven't gotten the memo.

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Their our feelings still want bad

things to happen to that person

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because of what they've done.

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. There's a great story that Corey 10

Boom told when she was losing sleep

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over something that someone had done

to her, even though she had forgiven

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them, her emotions were so riled up.

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She was losing sleep over this.

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She was still so angry about it.

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So she went to her Lutheran pastor.

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And talked to him about this, and he gave

her wise counsel, and he said, Corey, you

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know that in our church we have a large

bell tower, and when the sexting goes

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and he pulls the rope at the bottom, it

begins moving that bell back and forth.

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Ding Don.

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Ding Don.

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The bell rings out.

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But when he lets it go, the momentum of

that still carries it back and forth.

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Ding, don ding.

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It still rings out, but eventually.

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the sounds of the bell become

less frequent and less loud.

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that's what is happening here.

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You've let it go, but there's a

momentum here that's still happening.

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If you hadn't let go of the rope

though, it would never stop.

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Hmm.

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I love that illustration.

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You get two illustrations here.

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'cause I like this one too.

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If you think of a room and you've

got a light switch and a thermostat

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in many rooms, if I go over

and turn the light switch off,

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the life flips off immediately.

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If the room gets too hot someone set

it up to 78 or something and I go

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over and turn the thermostat off.

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It shuts the A-H-V-A-C unit off,

but because the warmth of the

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air takes so long to dissipate,

it's not like the light switch.

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The heat is still there, but eventually

it dissipates and it calms down to

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where the temperature should be.

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Whereas if I had never hit the switch

on the thermostat, it wouldn't do that.

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Emotions and feelings don't determine

whether we've forgiven someone.

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And sometimes we have to maybe repeat

what we've already said to get our

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emotions in line with that a little bit.

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But we have to expect our emotions

are gonna be pretty raw sometimes many

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years or even decades after the offense.

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Yeah, like both of those illustrations,

I think the, time it takes.

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For the feelings to align with

the decision to forgive will

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probably depend on the person and

the situation and all of that.

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I mean, there are gonna be many factors.

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Yeah.

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Um, for deep things, expecting

the feelings to align after a day

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or two is probably not realistic.

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but this idea of

expectations is important.

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I, I think oftentimes we feel

like, Forgiveness in the way that

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our feelings, correspond to that

should be like the light switch.

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Yeah.

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And then we feel bad when

it's not and we question Okay.

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Have I forgiven them?

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And I think to, have an expectation that

no, if they hurt you, it's going to hurt.

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Yeah.

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but your forgiveness, your decision to

forgive doesn't have to, be contingent

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upon how you feel about the situation.

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Mm.

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alright, fourth one we mentioned, and

this in some ways the most difficult,

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in some ways, the most simple.

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How do I forgive when I

don't want to forgive.

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Yeah, that's true.

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Sometimes it is.

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I mean, we have to be honest, some people

have heard us so deeply that there is

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a large part of us that says, no, I'm

not gonna forgive that stupid person.

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Mm-hmm.

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I can't forgive them for

what they've done to me.

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So that's a hard question and I think.

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The only answer I've heard that's really

good for that, if you feel like you

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don't wanna forgive that person, the

question might be, do you want to be able.

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To desire to forgive their person.

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Do you want to be able to

want to forgive their person?

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So even though there's a large part

of you that says, I don't want to

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forgive them, is there a deeper part

of you that wishes that would change?

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And if there is, then I think

that's enough to build on.

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Yeah, that's the prayer to utter.

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I'm not there yet, but I want to be there.

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Right.

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Yeah.

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I want to want to forgive them, even

though, man, I'm still, I'm, I'm,

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I'm still feeling that viscerally.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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I think that's the best advice I can

give is, is there a deep, the deepest

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part of you, does it want to get there?

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Mm-hmm.

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Even if it looks like it's impossible,

do you at least have that desire?

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Or in your mind some people who are

gonna be more cognitively driven.

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Like, do you know that

you ought to forgive them?

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If you, if you can, if you

can get to a place there and

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bring that before the Lord.

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I want to, I know I want to, even

though I don't want to like, If you

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can just hold on to something to

bring before the Lord in prayer.

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Open up to the spirit to say.

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this was not okay, this

should not have happened.

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Here's how I'm feeling about that

and I bring this before you and

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I think, the Psalms of Lament

can be really helpful here.

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You have a guy, David, who is being

so hurt by somebody who he was so

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close to, And in various ones, some

it's by Saul, some it's by his son.

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Absalom.

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Yeah.

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Being pursued.

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I mean, this guy wants to kill David.

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And here David.

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expresses the full

breath of human emotion.

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I want this to happen to him and

be just, God, you are just so

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act justly in this situation.

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You see the anger and the

hurt and the desire for harm.

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I mean, he, names his emotions in a way

that's very raw, but then he moves to a

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place of entrusting all of that to God.

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Yeah.

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That's, I think what makes him the

man after God's own heart is that he's

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able to be in a place of trust to God.

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Not that his feelings have come to that

total place of healing and serenity, but

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to a place where he's able to demonstrate,

okay, I know that God seeks this of

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me, and so I'm gonna name the pain,

but I'm gonna bring that before God.

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Yeah.

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Yeah, that's good.

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I think the real danger here is looking

at all this and turning your back on

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God and saying, even though I believe

what you've done for me and forgiving,

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I refuse to come to you, and we through

this process of trying to forgive that

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person, That's the dangerous spot.

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Reminds me of this Frederick Biner

quote where he is talking about anger,

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and unforgiveness and resentment and

bitterness He says that, of the seven

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deadly sins, anger is the most fun.

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To lick your wounds, to

smack your lips over.

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Grievances long passed

to roll over your tongue.

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The prospect of bitter

confrontation still to come to

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savor the last toothsome morsel.

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Both the pain you are given and

the pain you are giving back.

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In many ways, it's a feast fit for a king.

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The chief drawback is that what

you are wolfing down is yourself.

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The skeleton at the feast.

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Is you So he's not making light

of the pain that's been inflicted.

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Yeah.

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He's bringing out this truth that

holding onto unforgiveness ultimately

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is just gonna harm yourself.

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as someone else put it, bitterness

is the poison that we drink,

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hoping the other person gets sick.

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Mm-hmm.

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And again, that doesn't mean that

we're not gonna have things or

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issues that we struggle with our

forgiveness about, but an absolute

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refusal to even want to forgive.

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That's a dangerous spot.

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when somebody sins against us, to

not forgive them, perpetuates that.

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But the other side of that is this

beautiful thing that, as as Peter says

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in his first epistle, Christ entrusted

himself to the one who judges justly.

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Right.

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There is a beauty to being a and a

healing, to being able to release

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or relinquish the, situation to God.

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The one who judges justly to

trust justice will be done.

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Mm-hmm.

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but we can release our fingers from their

neck and our minds and in our hearts.

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Yeah.

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Good way to put it.

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So as we move toward application,

maybe there's a person or a situation

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that has emerged from the depths

of your being or maybe bending your

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mind this whole time, somebody who

is difficult to forgive, somebody.

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Maybe you don't even want to forgive.

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I think it is the spirit's

invitation to all of us.

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To pray that prayer of forgiveness

or to confess to the Lord.

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I don't want to forgive this person,

but I want to want to forgive them.

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bring that situation

before the Lord in prayer.

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Bring those prayers up and know that

your feelings may not change momentarily.

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But begin the process.

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Here's the invitation from God to begin

the process of healing as you let the

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Spirit bring his healing work to that.

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So go ahead and bring these

prayers before the Lord.

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Now,

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let's pray.

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Our father in heaven, hallow it.

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Be your name.

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Your kingdom come, your will be

done on earth as it is in heaven.

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Give us today our daily bread

and forgive us our debts as we

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also have forgiven our debtors.

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And lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from the evil one.

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Amen.

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Amen.