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Why Letting Go Isn’t Giving Up with Jill Sherer Murray | RR279
Episode 2798th October 2024 • Relationships Rule • Janice Porter
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Join me as I chat with Jill Sherer Murray, an award-winning author, TEDx speaker, and communications expert. Jill shares how her obsession with TED Talks inspired her to give her own talk, "The Unstoppable Power of Letting Go," which now has millions of views. She opens up about how letting go of a long-term relationship helped her build a whole new chapter of her life, inspiring people everywhere to release what’s holding them back – and she shares her story with a wonderful sense of humor too.

We dive into the challenges of letting go, why it’s never easy, and how Jill’s personal process helps people break free from toxic relationships, dead-end jobs, and limiting beliefs. Jill explains that letting go isn’t about giving up—it’s about finding the courage to move on when you know you deserve better.


She also talks about the importance of relationships and how most of her big career moves came from random, real-life connections. Plus, Jill teases her upcoming novel, which explores love, family dynamics, and finding yourself in the middle of life.


This conversation is full of laughs, wisdom, and real talk about embracing change and betting on yourself.


Discover:

  • Jill’s TED Talk, "The Unstoppable Power of Letting Go," shows how releasing what holds us back can lead to incredible personal growth.
  • Letting go isn’t easy, but Jill’s process helps us break free from toxic relationships, unfulfilling jobs, and limiting beliefs.
  • Moving forward requires courage; letting go is about making space for what we truly deserve.
  • Jill’s biggest career moves happened through unexpected connections, highlighting the power of relationships in finding new opportunities.
  • Letting go doesn’t mean giving up—it’s about detaching from what no longer serves us and choosing a better path


Connect with Jill

Email: jillsherermurray@gmail.com

Website: https://www.jillsherermurray.com/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/jill.sherermurray

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/letgoforit/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jillsherermurray/


In appreciation for being here, I have some gifts for you:

A LinkedIn Checklist for setting up your fully optimized Profile:

An opportunity to test drive the Follow Up system I recommend by taking the

3 Card Sampler – you won’t regret it.


AND … Don’t forget to connect with me on LinkedIn and be eligible for my

complimentary LinkedIn profile audit – I do one each month for a lucky

listener!


Connect with me:

http://JanicePorter.com

https://www.linkedin.com/in/janiceporter/

https://www.facebook.com/janiceporter1

https://www.instagram.com/socjanice/


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Transcripts

Janice Porter:

Jill, hello, hello and welcome. I am so

Janice Porter:

excited for my guest today, Jill sharer Murray, and she is

Janice Porter:

someone that I I met on a zoom call, but I just was drawn to to

Janice Porter:

talk to her, and so reached out on LinkedIn, and as I always do,

Janice Porter:

and it has gone from there, and I feel like she's my new best

Janice Porter:

friend. I'm so excited to have her on the show. Welcome. Jill,

Janice Porter:

well,

Janice Porter:

Jill Sherer Murray: and the feeling is mutual. So thrilled

Janice Porter:

to be here. So so happy that you did reach out on LinkedIn.

Janice Porter:

Always very tuned to those and judicious. You know about the

Janice Porter:

ones that we we pick up on, but I'm, I'm thrilled to be here

Janice Porter:

with you today.

Janice Porter:

Thank you. So a little bit about about you for

Janice Porter:

my audience, I'm just going to say a little bit, because what

Janice Porter:

drew me in even more was when I went to your LinkedIn profile, I

Janice Porter:

started to find out that you are a multi award winning author, a

Janice Porter:

journalist, a writer, communications expert, and a

Janice Porter:

TEDx speaker. Now, I'd never wanted to be a TEDx speaker, but

Janice Porter:

I helped organize a TEDx conference once, and I know how

Janice Porter:

much goes into it, and even more, what goes into being a

Janice Porter:

TEDx speaker. So I went and found your TEDx speech called

Janice Porter:

Let Go for it, which is now the name of your business as well, I

Janice Porter:

know, and it's a lifestyle brand aimed at improving people's

Janice Porter:

situation through the simple mantra of letting go. And your

Janice Porter:

TEDx speech the unstoppable power of letting go. I know it

Janice Porter:

was a few years ago now that you did it millions of views, and it

Janice Porter:

talks about your journey of letting go. And I wanted to be,

Janice Porter:

I know I'm talking too much, but I just, I wanted to say, no, no,

Janice Porter:

no, is that so much came out in just listening to your speech,

Janice Porter:

because when it's personal, it's a personal story. Two, you have

Janice Porter:

such a great sense of humor, and then I find out that you did

Janice Porter:

some comedic training. So all of that came together to do a very

Janice Porter:

entertaining, empathetic, or empathic speech. So talk to me

Janice Porter:

about your journey to do that first, because I'm curious what

Janice Porter:

made you want to do that? Oh, the speech, yeah.

Janice Porter:

Jill Sherer Murray: So back at that time, I was, I was just, I

Janice Porter:

was so fascinated by Ted. I I just remember I would sit on I

Janice Porter:

would sit on the sofa. I would sit out back, or when I had any

Janice Porter:

free time, and I would just watch one video after the next.

Janice Porter:

Like I would start, I would click on one, I would scroll and

Janice Porter:

I thought, Oh, this is so fascinating. And then without

Janice Porter:

doing anything else, they would just start rolling into each

Janice Porter:

other. And I would think to myself, what an amazing time to

Janice Porter:

be able to have access to all of these brilliant human beings

Janice Porter:

talking about such fascinating things. And just like, I mean,

Janice Porter:

if you think about it, you know, up until then, really, nobody

Janice Porter:

was doing anything like that. And it was just very like, I was

Janice Porter:

just, I was fascinated. I remember watching one talk some

Janice Porter:

guy was doing, like he he filmed like one second of every day of

Janice Porter:

his life for like 10 years, and then he did a talk about how

Janice Porter:

meaningful one second was. And I thought, my God, that is so

Janice Porter:

creative and inventive and powerful. So I loved Ted, and I

Janice Porter:

thought, well, I want to give a TED talk. I want to do this.

Janice Porter:

And, you know, I'm a writer. I've always been a writer. I

Janice Porter:

I've always been speaking in some fashion, whether it's on a

Janice Porter:

stage or in business or in a client meeting or whatever. And

Janice Porter:

I just, I kind of put that on my list, like I want to give a TED

Janice Porter:

talk. And then somebody that I loved died, and it affected me

Janice Porter:

really deeply. I didn't expect it. I didn't know what to do

Janice Porter:

with it, and I thought, you know, we spend so much time

Janice Porter:

spinning around on such tiny little things that don't mean

Janice Porter:

anything, and this is how our lives just pass us by. We don't

Janice Porter:

have time. We need to let go of those little things so that we

Janice Porter:

can really enjoy being here and be in the present and all those

Janice Porter:

things. And I sort of built a platform around it. And I wound

Janice Porter:

up, it's funny, I worked with a I worked with a coach to help me

Janice Porter:

kind of figure out what what the talk was going to be about. And

Janice Porter:

I remember we had gone through the process and the talk was

Janice Porter:

done, and she sent me an email and she said, Well, there's a

Janice Porter:

talk happening in Wilmington, but the application is tomorrow.

Janice Porter:

Have to have it in by tomorrow. So Friday. And I remember my

Janice Porter:

husband and I were going up to New York City for the night to

Janice Porter:

be with friends, and I thought, tomorrow, and an application for

Janice Porter:

a TEDx event is not like name, address, phone number. It's, you

Janice Porter:

know, name, address, phone number, and why are you. You

Janice Porter:

different than everybody else in the free world. And how about a

Janice Porter:

little video? And why don't you get up and show me your two step

Janice Porter:

like it's a whole thing, right? We're saying to my husband,

Janice Porter:

there's no way I could do this. There's no way by tomorrow, we

Janice Porter:

have to leave it go up in the city. And I remember he looked

Janice Porter:

at me. He's like, What happened to what did you do with my wife?

Janice Porter:

Where is she? We got in the car. We drove up to New York. I spun

Janice Porter:

myself out. I slept the whole way. We went out with our

Janice Porter:

friends, came back to the hotel room. By midnight, one o'clock,

Janice Porter:

he went to bed, and I got to work. And by the time I got up

Janice Porter:

in the morning and I had filmed a video, my little Microsoft Pro

Janice Porter:

on the Bible in the hotel room, looking up my nostril, bent it

Janice Porter:

off, I said, That's it. We're done. Get up. It's 730 I'm done.

Janice Porter:

We're going to go eat and we're going to go shop. That's how

Janice Porter:

it's going to roll now, because I deserve it.

Unknown:

Yeah,

Unknown:

Jill Sherer Murray: and and then they picked me, okay, invited me

Unknown:

to an event, and I was so thrilled. It was a TEDx

Unknown:

Wilmington, Delaware. It was a it was a beautiful event. 25

Unknown:

women on a big theater stage, the main, one of the main

Unknown:

theaters in in Wilmington, several 100 people in the

Unknown:

audience. I had a terrific organizer. He kept us all very

Unknown:

on track lots of things. You know, when, if you have a good

Unknown:

organizer, when you give a TEDx, I mean, you you have to be on

Unknown:

track. So like, one week they're asking for an outline. The next

Unknown:

week they'll they want to see a first draft. The next week. They

Unknown:

want to see a video of you performing like they want to

Unknown:

make sure that you're not going to get on that stage and melt

Unknown:

down or do anything that is going to be, you know, not just

Unknown:

harmful to them as a as an experience, but like it's to

Unknown:

you. You know, you've worked very hard to get up there on

Unknown:

that stage and present this idea. And it was just such a

Unknown:

tremendous experience. I'm so grateful for it, actually every

Unknown:

day. I mean, not only was it incredible, and is it still

Unknown:

amazing to me that almost 6 million people and counting have

Unknown:

watched my talk.

Janice Porter:

So let me just interject here a little bit in

Janice Porter:

that this, I think one of the reasons is that this is a topic

Janice Porter:

that so many women can relate to. It's about that toxic

Janice Porter:

relationship that you hang on to forever because you love the

Janice Porter:

person, but you deserve way better than the way you're being

Janice Porter:

treated. Is basically, I think, what what you were talking

Janice Porter:

about, right? And then to coefficient that you know you

Janice Porter:

need to get out of this thing. And

Janice Porter:

Jill Sherer Murray: you know, what's interesting is that my

Janice Porter:

talk was really not supposed to be about that necessarily. It

Janice Porter:

was really about supposed to be more of a holistic talk about

Janice Porter:

letting go, okay, but I started with a story, and I chose a

Janice Porter:

story that, to your point is so was so incredibly resonant for

Janice Porter:

every single human being on this planet, yeah, which was like

Janice Porter:

such a happy accident on my part, in some ways, that it's

Janice Porter:

trying to think of a very impactful story of a time in my

Janice Porter:

life when I let go of something that was so hard to let go of.

Janice Porter:

And,

Janice Porter:

yeah, but you told it really well, as well

Janice Porter:

with such great humor. And, you know, the, you know, the fact

Janice Porter:

that you, you know, he was a great, I forget some of the

Janice Porter:

terms, but he was a great boyfriend, maybe, or, you know,

Janice Porter:

like you're, you're coming right, great as well in in

Janice Porter:

thing. But yeah, you everyone's got one of those daggers that

Janice Porter:

they think they deserve more. They finally, well, no, they

Janice Porter:

don't all come to that realization, unfortunately. But

Janice Porter:

you know, when you do, it's such a letting go. It's such a relief

Janice Porter:

that you can see the forest for the trees now you couldn't

Janice Porter:

before, and it's really

Janice Porter:

Jill Sherer Murray: like that was a story about a long term

Janice Porter:

love. You know somebody that I'd been with for 12 years, which is

Janice Porter:

a very long time to date someone if you're interested in being

Janice Porter:

married, if you're not, it's totally fine. No one right way

Janice Porter:

to be but, we don't just linger where we don't just linger too

Janice Porter:

long in relationships. I mean, we linger too long in jobs. We

Janice Porter:

linger too long in friendships. We linger too long, you know, in

Janice Porter:

personal habits that aren't serving us like I think, I think

Janice Porter:

that was such a big, such a big experience that I heard from

Janice Porter:

people from all over the world, especially young women. I heard

Janice Porter:

from a lot of very which, which surprised me a little bit, in

Janice Porter:

the sense that, you know, I am not in my 20s, right? And, but

Janice Porter:

hasn't, yeah, but I, I was really happy to hear from these

Janice Porter:

young women in the sense that I felt that I had something to

Janice Porter:

offer them that could potentially change their lives

Janice Porter:

in a meaningful way

Janice Porter:

sooner than it happened for you. So they That's

Janice Porter:

right, that's right,

Janice Porter:

Jill Sherer Murray: yeah, like in time for things, in time to

Janice Porter:

if they wanted to have families, if. They want just to not, not

Janice Porter:

make so many hard mistakes that were painful and have to learn

Janice Porter:

the hard way that, you know, as we get older. I mean, certainly

Janice Porter:

we can do a lot of things, but it's a fact of, you know,

Janice Porter:

reality that as we get older, something stopped being

Janice Porter:

available to us, and so to be able to kind of get to young

Janice Porter:

women early in that stage, where they can potentially make better

Janice Porter:

choices for themselves, or see some of the blind spots that

Janice Porter:

maybe they had to reverse some of the things that you know,

Janice Porter:

that they learned about themselves that gave them some

Janice Porter:

limiting beliefs that were never going to serve them to really

Janice Porter:

even stop and say, Wait a minute. Maybe that's not right.

Janice Porter:

Maybe I need to think about this in a different way. And that

Janice Porter:

felt, that felt really wonderful to me. And it was interesting,

Janice Porter:

because I also heard from some men, which I loved so much,

Janice Porter:

because the the person in in the in the relationship, his name

Janice Porter:

was Hector, who I stayed with, who made all the promises, and

Janice Porter:

was a wonderful person. Did not do that in any kind of malicious

Janice Porter:

way, but some of them came to me and said, Oh, my God, I'm

Janice Porter:

Hector. Ah,

Janice Porter:

oh, wow. And was it a fear of commitment, or was

Janice Porter:

it just that they didn't know? Okay,

Janice Porter:

Jill Sherer Murray: they didn't know, and they didn't realize.

Janice Porter:

They didn't realize the impact their actions had on another

Janice Porter:

person's life, on their partner's life. And I just, you

Janice Porter:

know, a lot of men did not like what I had to say, the ones who

Janice Porter:

because I was trying to empower people, not just women, people

Janice Porter:

to recognize their own self worth and to make decisions

Janice Porter:

based on that. But when I would get those notes and from people

Janice Porter:

saying, oh my gosh, I'm Hector, what do I do now? I I just

Janice Porter:

wanted to put my arms around them, yeah, say, well, first of

Janice Porter:

all, I mean, be so incredible, right? Like, like, what it what

Janice Porter:

a revelation for you to and to be willing to acknowledge it is

Janice Porter:

so big. And you know, that's the beginning of change. So, so I

Janice Porter:

love that. I love that.

Janice Porter:

So, at the time that you did this, you were

Janice Porter:

working in corporate, yes, you

Janice Porter:

Jill Sherer Murray: at the time I've done anything jealous.

Janice Porter:

Okay, so you've been in that, that corporate

Janice Porter:

water wheel, whatever, it's all right, no, and you did this for

Janice Porter:

yourself, and you for this experience for yourself. Did was

Janice Porter:

it a catalyst to you start to start to think of doing

Janice Porter:

something other than corporate, or were you also, had you been

Janice Porter:

an author yet, like I know you've then you then wrote this

Janice Porter:

book called Big, wild love, the unstoppable power of letting go,

Janice Porter:

which I think came after the TED Talk. Correct, correct.

Janice Porter:

Jill Sherer Murray: Yep, yep.

Janice Porter:

Okay, so

Janice Porter:

Jill Sherer Murray: it's, it's so interesting because when I

Janice Porter:

was in my corporate job and worked with somebody who had an

Janice Porter:

interesting relationship with and at one point, you know, we

Janice Porter:

were kind of talking about who and what we wanted to be. And I

Janice Porter:

remember saying to her, Well, you know, I, I was running a

Janice Porter:

communications practice for a large company, and I remember

Janice Porter:

saying, well, someday I'd like to give a TED talk and write a

Janice Porter:

book. And I remember her saying to me, Well, you're very far

Janice Porter:

from that, aren't you. And I remember thinking, first I

Janice Porter:

thought, well, that's not very nice. And now I want to thank

Janice Porter:

her,

Janice Porter:

because she challenged you because right,

Janice Porter:

Jill Sherer Murray: because she was right, you know, she was

Janice Porter:

right. And so after I gave that talk and it started to get some

Janice Porter:

traction, I thought, okay, you know, this is, this is a

Janice Porter:

catalyst for me, really thinking about, sort of what comes next

Janice Porter:

for me. Maybe there is another chapter that is here and and

Janice Porter:

then an agent approached me about a book, which was very

Janice Porter:

natural for me. I've been a writer my whole life, so I have,

Janice Porter:

you know, I have had books with agents before that couldn't

Janice Porter:

sell. I have a couple books in a drawer. Probably have a couple

Janice Porter:

books under some old shoes somewhere. So I was thrilled.

Janice Porter:

Um, so, yeah, so I did think, Okay, I'm going to take this big

Janice Porter:

leap and see where it leads me, which I did. I did leave my job,

Janice Porter:

okay? And then my book was supposed to come out, and I was

Janice Porter:

supposed to have a book tour may 2020, and that's when the world

Janice Porter:

shut down, right? Okay, yeah, yeah.

Janice Porter:

So what happened for you then,

Janice Porter:

Jill Sherer Murray: Oh, let's see. After I well, I had a

Janice Porter:

canceled book tour, many canceled opportunities, no job,

Janice Porter:

a beautiful new book. And so after I ate lots of cookies and

Janice Porter:

pride in the bathroom, decided that it was time to get some new

Janice Porter:

solutions. And so I started my own business, and I. Consulting

Janice Porter:

and doing freelancing and doing a lot of, you know, online

Janice Porter:

virtual stuff, which I do not love. I was starting to, yeah, I

Janice Porter:

wanted to become a speaker, and all of the speaking

Janice Porter:

opportunities were really all online at that point. And then I

Janice Porter:

thought, okay, we're just gonna pivot here. And I think, like

Janice Porter:

everybody else in the world, Janice, I was like, just do your

Janice Porter:

best, you know, do the best you can to adjust to the world's

Janice Porter:

changing. And here's where we are. And, you know, find the

Janice Porter:

opportunities where you can find them make a living, you know, so

Janice Porter:

you

Janice Porter:

do that. And you said something to me earlier as

Janice Porter:

well about, and this might have been before we went on, on, on

Janice Porter:

live conversation here, but we were talking about some of the

Janice Porter:

things you're thinking are open to in the future, maybe going

Janice Porter:

back into a job, job, maybe, you know, doing it in a different

Janice Porter:

way, whatever. But you said something to me that really hit

Janice Porter:

home for me, and that was that you were talking to someone you

Janice Porter:

knew who thought there might be a job for you where she works.

Janice Porter:

And for me, that is always the way it is. It's about

Janice Porter:

relationships. And how do you work those relationships? And I

Janice Porter:

don't mean that in a negative way, but how do you leverage

Janice Porter:

those relationships to help you move forward? Because it's

Janice Porter:

always been for me, not what you know, but who you know, and you

Janice Porter:

know that's a new job by just sending out resumes is never and

Janice Porter:

I know telling my daughter that for a long time because she

Janice Porter:

doesn't like to talk to people. That's the way she ends up

Janice Porter:

getting a job in the first place, right? Is somebody else?

Janice Porter:

Well, you

Janice Porter:

Jill Sherer Murray: know, and you know it's that's the thing.

Janice Porter:

And I You're right, Janice, because I will tell you any I

Janice Porter:

don't even want to call it a job, any opportunity that has

Janice Porter:

come my way has come my way through other people when I have

Janice Porter:

not been looking for it. So for example, when I was working for

Janice Porter:

a large corporation building this communications practice,

Janice Porter:

prior to having that job, I had just moved into a new

Janice Porter:

neighborhood. I was newly married, I didn't know anybody I

Janice Porter:

was freelancing. I was getting antsy. I was interested in a

Janice Porter:

job. I had no idea what I was going to do, and so I did what

Janice Porter:

anybody in their right mind would do in this situation, is I

Janice Porter:

went and I got a manicure, and I'm sitting at the manicure,

Janice Porter:

getting a pedicure, and there's a girl sitting next to me, a

Janice Porter:

woman sitting next to me, and she looks very familiar to me.

Janice Porter:

And as you can tell, I'm super shy, so I started to have a

Janice Porter:

conversation with her. And the long and short of it is, hey, we

Janice Porter:

need a writer. Hey, I'm looking for a gig. Hey, let me bring you

Janice Porter:

in. Hey, Bing, bam, boom, higher trader, newsletter letter. Wound

Janice Porter:

up becoming director of marketing and communications,

Janice Porter:

communications Practice Leader, building a practice inside of

Janice Porter:

communications firm through someone I did not even know, but

Janice Porter:

because we had such a and who was still a very dear friend to

Janice Porter:

this day. And it's like look back at so many of the

Janice Porter:

opportunities. I remember moving to Chicago after I got my

Janice Porter:

graduate degree because I always wanted to live in Chicago. I got

Janice Porter:

my graduate degree in Boston, and I remember I didn't know

Janice Porter:

anyone in Chicago. I moved there without a friend or a job, and I

Janice Porter:

remember going to a pier one import store because I was so

Janice Porter:

I'd been there for a couple weeks. I couldn't find a job. I

Janice Porter:

was so sad. I didn't know where I lived. My friends were far

Janice Porter:

away. I didn't know what I was doing, and I met this girl. We

Janice Porter:

really had absolutely nothing in common except that she had just

Janice Porter:

moved there, and so we were both kind of desperate for a pal. We

Janice Porter:

started to hang out. And the long and short of it is her, her

Janice Porter:

brother was an editor at Crane's Chicago Business. Bing, bam,

Janice Porter:

boom. There I go, as I'm sitting in the tub crying because I

Janice Porter:

don't know what's to become of me. I hear him on my answering

Janice Porter:

machine saying, Would you like a job? So you just don't know.

Janice Porter:

It's like anything could happen at any time. If you are open, if

Janice Porter:

you're open, even like through LinkedIn, but even in real life,

Janice Porter:

if you're out in the world and you're friendly and you're

Janice Porter:

talking to people, I mean, sharing stories with them,

Janice Porter:

helping them to understand who you are, listening to them,

Janice Porter:

being the giver too. You know, it's, it's really, it's really

Janice Porter:

this, I love what you do, because I really believe that

Janice Porter:

that is the key to everything, not just a job. It's the key,

Janice Porter:

really, to to joy, to friendship, to to information,

Janice Porter:

to getting access to answers. You know, meeting people and

Janice Porter:

talking to them about things that you might be struggling

Janice Porter:

with or questioning, right? Oh, they know somebody, or they have

Janice Porter:

their own experience. And so it's making those connections, I

Janice Porter:

think. And

Janice Porter:

making real and making them, you know,

Janice Porter:

appreciated, and that kind of thing I know, I have a question

Janice Porter:

around from your TED Talk, talking about letting go and

Janice Porter:

that major life experience for you that you were talking about

Janice Porter:

in there, because it was a great story that we could all relate

Janice Porter:

to. Has it made it easier for you going forward, to let go of

Janice Porter:

different things once that big thing happened? Did it change

Janice Porter:

you in any other way? In other words,

Janice Porter:

Jill Sherer Murray: that's a really good question. I think

Janice Porter:

letting go? This came to me, yeah, no, it's a really good

Janice Porter:

question, because, you know, you would think that it would make

Janice Porter:

letting go whenever we have to much easier. And I did create a

Janice Porter:

process for letting go that I outlined in my book. And excuse

Janice Porter:

me, I wouldn't necessarily say that it made it easier, because

Janice Porter:

it's hard to let go. Yes, it's very hard to let go. It's hard,

Janice Porter:

you know, letting go of something, even if it's the best

Janice Porter:

thing in the world for us, involves loss, and loss involves

Janice Porter:

grief, yes, and so anytime we let go of something, you know,

Janice Porter:

whether it's a job, whether it's a friendship, and we know that

Janice Porter:

it's the right thing, it's still really hard. I think what

Janice Porter:

happened to me after that talk was it forced me to go even

Janice Porter:

deeper inside of what it really means to let go and to remind

Janice Porter:

myself that it is a tool I have available to me anytime that I

Janice Porter:

need to use it, and that if I do use it, when I use it, it will

Janice Porter:

be hard, but I will survive it, and I will come through it to a

Janice Porter:

better Place, and I know how to do it now, but I don't know that

Janice Porter:

it ever really gets easier. It depends on what you're letting

Janice Porter:

go of and and I love that question, because really, I

Janice Porter:

think it leads to the bigger subject of the title of the

Janice Porter:

book, which is big, wild love, which is the one thing we need

Janice Porter:

to have in order to be able to let go successfully. It's the

Janice Porter:

one thing that I was the common denominator from every single

Janice Porter:

person I talked to after that talk who reached out to me,

Janice Porter:

saying, I need to let go. I need to let go. How do I do this? And

Janice Porter:

the common denominator between all of them, all of them, was

Janice Porter:

that they did not understand that they deserved better, and

Janice Porter:

so they didn't have the ground under their feet to say, You

Janice Porter:

know what, if I let go of this person, if I let go of this job

Janice Porter:

or whatever I'm letting go of, I will be okay, because I have me

Janice Porter:

right, and I, you know, I always say, Janice. You might have

Janice Porter:

heard me say this if you listen to any other interviews, but I

Janice Porter:

say it over and over again, because it's really, I think

Janice Porter:

it's clear, you know, if we have big, wild love, which is the

Janice Porter:

courage and the confidence and the belief in ourselves, that we

Janice Porter:

can, that we can do what we need to do, and take care of

Janice Porter:

ourselves and be great, and that will allow us to take the risk

Janice Porter:

that's involved in letting go, because there's risk again,

Janice Porter:

because we're losing something if We go to the end of the edge

Janice Porter:

of the cliff and we don't see a net, we're not going to ever

Janice Porter:

jump. But if we see a net, we'll jump. And in in this case, big

Janice Porter:

wild love is we are the net. Yes, yes. So if I if I know

Janice Porter:

that, I am going to be okay. If I know that, if I jump and I

Janice Porter:

will be my own net. I will jump every time, because even if it's

Janice Porter:

hard, I know I'm going to land, I'm going to bounce, I'm going

Janice Porter:

to flop up and down, and I'm going to get on my feet. I'm

Janice Porter:

going to be somewhere completely different. I'm just going to

Janice Porter:

keep walking in that space. You're going

Janice Porter:

to bet on yourself. And that's the whole

Janice Porter:

thing about my podcast, is relationships rule, and your

Janice Porter:

relationship with yourself has to be strong in the first place

Janice Porter:

before you can have any other relationships, because

Janice Porter:

Jill Sherer Murray: that's and that's that's right, and we're

Janice Porter:

never done with that, because we're anytime we're in in a new

Janice Porter:

experience, or something new happens to us, or we change, or

Janice Porter:

we evolve, or we have loss, or whatever, we have new limiting

Janice Porter:

beliefs and new experiences that we have to kind of rise above

Janice Porter:

and reckon with in order to keep that ground under our feet so

Janice Porter:

that we can keep letting go, right, right? I struggle let go

Janice Porter:

of something, and you and I have talked over the past several

Janice Porter:

months about this. You know, when I'm struggling to let go of

Janice Porter:

something, the first thing I do is I say, What is my limiting

Janice Porter:

belief. What do I believe about myself right now that is getting

Janice Porter:

in the way of me, that is forcing me to hold on to this,

Janice Porter:

you know, how am I going to stand in this discomfort? Will I

Janice Porter:

be okay with it? And I give myself a whole lot of grace,

Janice Porter:

because it's about having all of. The feelings when you're

Janice Porter:

getting ready to let go of something. It's feeling the

Janice Porter:

sadness, it's feeling the freedom. It's feeling the the

Janice Porter:

Will I get through this. It's the anger, it's all the emotions

Janice Porter:

that eventually get you to the other side, and you have to be

Janice Porter:

like I said to you earlier. You have to be comfortable like a

Janice Porter:

flop and fish out of water,

Janice Porter:

right, right? You just reminded me of personal

Janice Porter:

development course I took many, many, many years ago. And I

Janice Porter:

think I was coming out of a bad marriage, my starter marriage, I

Janice Porter:

call it, and and I was getting on my feet again, and I walked

Janice Porter:

into the room the first day of the three day event. And

Janice Porter:

actually think somebody gave me a ticket to go to this because

Janice Porter:

they said I needed something to, you know, get me moving forward.

Janice Porter:

And up at the beginning, at the front of the room, there was a

Janice Porter:

big banner, and it says, What am I pretending not to know? Wow,

Janice Porter:

yeah, yeah, it was up there the whole time. What am I pretending

Janice Porter:

not to know? And yes, of course, made you want to have to look

Janice Porter:

inside to answer that question, and sort of yes evolved as the

Janice Porter:

weekend went on, but that's what you made me think of when you,

Janice Porter:

you know, said, Well, that's

Janice Porter:

Jill Sherer Murray: it. That's so powerful. I love that. What

Janice Porter:

am I pretending not to know? Because, you know, we can't run

Janice Porter:

from that for very long.

Janice Porter:

No, I know, because it'll catch up with us,

Janice Porter:

right? Yeah.

Janice Porter:

Jill Sherer Murray: I refer to that as the beach ball. It's the

Janice Porter:

beach ball we try and hold in our gut, but eventually the

Janice Porter:

beach ball starts to rise up through our windpipe, and we

Janice Porter:

can't hold it down anymore, right? You know, it's, it's,

Janice Porter:

what do we believe? What do we not want to look at about that

Janice Porter:

we have to, that we have to yes, that we have to in order to be

Janice Porter:

able to get comfortable with that discomfort that comes from

Janice Porter:

letting go. Right?

Janice Porter:

So over the years, have you, then, for lack

Janice Porter:

of a better word, I'm going to say Coach. Have you coached

Janice Porter:

people to let go of things? Have you Has that been part of your

Janice Porter:

own business as well, helping people let go?

Janice Porter:

Jill Sherer Murray: Yes, actually, I have done that work

Janice Porter:

and and I and I love doing it when the people who are coming

Janice Porter:

to me really want to get it when they don't just want to vent,

Janice Porter:

and I understand all the venting i so get that when it's really,

Janice Porter:

truly about, how do I do this and change and how do I how do I

Janice Porter:

build this muscle? You know, what do I need to do? What is

Janice Porter:

the process for doing this? And that process can take as long as

Janice Porter:

it needs to take. It's not like we you know, it's not like when

Janice Porter:

I let go of my 12 year, 12 year relationship that I talk about

Janice Porter:

in the talk and my book. I didn't wake up one day and say,

Janice Porter:

Gosh, I need to let go of this relationship, and then the next

Janice Porter:

day was like, bye, see you. Bye. Gonna blow up my life. Like it

Janice Porter:

doesn't work that way. And so I have helped people to understand

Janice Porter:

there are steps along the way that we go through, and I

Janice Porter:

actually continue. I have all the steps in my book. And

Janice Porter:

honestly, Janice, like I put myself through all of those

Janice Porter:

paces, when I am struggling and when I am uncertain about where

Janice Porter:

to go next or what to do next, or when I know that I have got

Janice Porter:

to let go of something, whether it's fear, whether it's imposter

Janice Porter:

syndrome, whether it's inaction, whether it's An issue inside of

Janice Porter:

a relationship, or an entire relationship, or a job, or a

Janice Porter:

person at my job, or a belief about someone or something at my

Janice Porter:

job, or how I engage with it. There's so many, in fact, in my

Janice Porter:

book, and I'm not trying to shove this book at anybody, but

Janice Porter:

there, there are, like, I put a list of 100 what I call let

Janice Porter:

gobles, things that are we can potentially let go of that you

Janice Porter:

wouldn't imagine are standing between us and the thing that we

Janice Porter:

want that really could, like, derail us. I mean, it could be

Janice Porter:

something as you know, I remember one time my husband and

Janice Porter:

I walk every day in the mornings, and I remember I had a

Janice Porter:

friend who was in a bad relationship, and she just would

Janice Porter:

not quit with this bad relationship, and every and I

Janice Porter:

was getting ready to make some big moves in my life, and every

Janice Porter:

morning, I would complain to my husband about this person. And

Janice Porter:

finally, one day, he said to me, Look, you need to get in your

Janice Porter:

process here. Because, why? Why are you spinning on this other

Janice Porter:

person so heavily? And it was because as long as I was

Janice Porter:

spinning on her, I didn't have to look at my own big moves that

Janice Porter:

were scary to me. It was a lot of deflection. And so I did, and

Janice Porter:

as soon as I got in my into my process, I stopped talking about

Janice Porter:

her, and I could put all that energy back. On me and what I

Janice Porter:

was doing. So it can be so nuanced to things that get in

Janice Porter:

our way.

Janice Porter:

So I am curious to know what was very different

Janice Porter:

about your husband than your 12 year relationship person,

Janice Porter:

Hector.

Janice Porter:

Jill Sherer Murray: Well, Hector was a no guy, and my husband,

Janice Porter:

Dan is a yes guy,

Janice Porter:

okay,

Janice Porter:

Jill Sherer Murray: and, you know, it's, it's funny, because

Janice Porter:

when I met my husband, I I remember we met, and we knew

Janice Porter:

fairly quickly. I mean, we met, you know, we're both in our 40s,

Janice Porter:

and I knew that I was not going to date someone for 12 years

Janice Porter:

again, and he sent me an email. It was such a lovely email. It

Janice Porter:

was a picture of a beach and a sunset, and it's something

Janice Porter:

corny, like, this is how I feel when I this is how I this is how

Janice Porter:

I feel when I think of you. So I went online and I found a

Janice Porter:

picture of the largest diamond ring I could find, and I pasted

Janice Porter:

it into an email. I said, Boy, I'm either going to hear from

Janice Porter:

this guy or I'm not. And I said, this is how I feel when I think

Janice Porter:

about you.

Janice Porter:

That's unbelievable. What a good

Janice Porter:

sport he was about that. But, um, he, you know, I think he

Janice Porter:

just we wanted the same things. We're both very my husband is a

Janice Porter:

musician and a writer and a poet and a creative and we kind of

Janice Porter:

wanted the same things from life. We had a lot of things in

Janice Porter:

common. We laugh together. He's such a wonderfully good person.

Janice Porter:

And so was Hector. That was always very important to me, you

Janice Porter:

know, to be with someone who had a really good heart, and he had

Janice Porter:

a very interesting life story. And it just felt really right

Janice Porter:

and it and, you know, honestly, like, timing is everything too.

Janice Porter:

Timing is everything. And, you know, I was at a point too,

Janice Porter:

where I was okay if it never happened, I was okay if I never

Janice Porter:

got married. You know, marriage is not the only way to be happy.

Janice Porter:

It was just something that I happen to want. Nobody has to

Janice Porter:

want it. But I think, you know, that's all part of it is really,

Janice Porter:

I think it's the hardest part of letting go. The hardest part of

Janice Porter:

letting go is deciding what we want. Yeah, yeah, because that's

Janice Porter:

really hard. And I, in doing the research for the book, I found

Janice Porter:

only one statistic about that, that said that one in 100 people

Janice Porter:

knows what they want. So if we don't know what we want, how

Janice Porter:

will we get it exactly? And so I think that is such a huge that

Janice Porter:

is such a huge impediment to being able to let go. Because if

Janice Porter:

you're in a job, let's say I'll use job, for example, and you

Janice Porter:

hate your job, but you don't know where you're going next.

Janice Porter:

Are you going to rush out of the job? I

Janice Porter:

was in that situation, but I I got

Janice Porter:

physically ill about it, and I had to leave. Yeah, but it took

Janice Porter:

getting but

Janice Porter:

Jill Sherer Murray: you had to get to that point. Yeah,

Janice Porter:

exactly. Yeah, right. So if we could know these things at the

Janice Porter:

outset, if we are in a situation, whether it's wherever

Janice Porter:

it is in whatever aspect of our lives, if we could know when we

Janice Porter:

first get those, those those Inklings, the that we start to

Janice Porter:

see this is no longer right for me. It's and it's, you know,

Janice Porter:

listen, it's not about saying, like I would never say anything

Janice Porter:

bad about Hector. He was a wonderful person, and he helped

Janice Porter:

me, and he did a lot for me in my life, and I cherish the times

Janice Porter:

that we had together, because it taught me a lot that I needed to

Janice Porter:

learn. But so I never want to let go of something with bad

Janice Porter:

feelings or intent, even if it's coming from the other side, it

Janice Porter:

doesn't have to come from me. It's better if it doesn't right

Janice Porter:

that I can move forward. But I don't want to have to get to

Janice Porter:

that point where I'm sick or where it's so horrible that I

Janice Porter:

haven't, you know, kind of decided I'm going to get out.

Janice Porter:

I'm going to choose, even if what I want next is not is like

Janice Porter:

my starter house, you know, maybe it's not the big house,

Janice Porter:

maybe it's not the one that I'm ultimately going to want, but

Janice Porter:

it's okay to to, it's okay to choose a stepping stone as the

Janice Porter:

thing that you quote want, because it's hard to figure out

Janice Porter:

what you want, but if you're in a situation, you're holding on

Janice Porter:

to something that is bad for you, it's better to find figure

Janice Porter:

out what you want as a stopgap in the short term while you

Janice Porter:

figure out the next step, than to stay stuck in that thinking,

Janice Porter:

I don't know what that next thing is, so I'm just going to

Janice Porter:

stay here. And be miserable, and let the days of my life just

Janice Porter:

twirl by me until maybe every day I wake up and I am sick as a

Janice Porter:

dog and I hate everything. And you know, that's not good

Janice Porter:

either. Everybody has been there. I've been there. You

Janice Porter:

know, I know everybody who's been there, and we reason with

Janice Porter:

ourselves, why we must stay in these situations. But you know

Janice Porter:

what? There's a better way.

Janice Porter:

Okay, let's just reverse that for a second,

Janice Porter:

because one of the things that I notice today in with society in

Janice Porter:

general, that as I take it by gargantuan

Janice Porter:

Jill Sherer Murray: bottle, they won't

Janice Porter:

see that, but it's like this huge, the hugest

Janice Porter:

water bottle I've ever seen. Anyway I see today. So many

Janice Porter:

young couples have kids, and then they split up, they give

Janice Porter:

up, they give up too soon, on something. How? What's your take

Janice Porter:

on that?

Janice Porter:

Jill Sherer Murray: I mean, you know?

Janice Porter:

I mean, every situation is different. I'm not

Janice Porter:

trying to, you know, yeah,

Janice Porter:

Jill Sherer Murray: I mean, I don't, I wouldn't pretend to

Janice Porter:

know what's happening in anybody else's relationship. I think we

Janice Porter:

have access to a lot of choices now it's very confusing and

Janice Porter:

complicated sometimes, because I think sometimes we think

Janice Porter:

something is better than what we've got

Janice Porter:

and the graph.

Janice Porter:

Jill Sherer Murray: And I think, and I love that you brought up

Janice Porter:

the idea, actually, of giving up, because that's not what

Janice Porter:

letting go is, you know, letting go is not about giving up. It's

Janice Porter:

not about, you know, making peace with the situation, it's

Janice Porter:

not about taking a consolation prize. I mean, letting go is

Janice Porter:

about true detachment, truly detaching from a situation, an

Janice Porter:

experience, a job, a person, a relationship, an issue inside of

Janice Porter:

a relationship. So I mean, if people are are married and they

Janice Porter:

decide to divorce for whatever reason, I would hope that both

Janice Porter:

parties, you know, would have looked at the situation and the

Janice Porter:

stakes and how they're feeling and with love and respect for

Janice Porter:

one another, come to those decisions together from a

Janice Porter:

healthy place. Now, you and I both know that's very

Janice Porter:

idealistic, yeah, and you know, because I think a lot of people

Janice Porter:

are just hanging on to some old wounds and limiting beliefs and

Janice Porter:

things that they believe to be true about themselves and

Janice Porter:

themselves inside the world, and what they believe is possible

Janice Porter:

for them and what they deserve, so based on all that criteria,

Janice Porter:

if they're in a situation where they're unhappy and they think

Janice Porter:

just leaving it and going to the next thing without doing That

Janice Porter:

self examination to understand really, what is the underlying

Janice Porter:

issue here? Is it really me? Is it my relationship? Is it the

Janice Porter:

other person? Is it all of the above? And is there a way that

Janice Porter:

we can honestly and authentically pull out and

Janice Porter:

identify the issues and learn how to deal with them, and then

Janice Porter:

let them go completely, both detach from them, so that we can

Janice Porter:

move forward together. That's great. That doesn't happen all

Janice Porter:

the time. No no, and there's so much choice now. You know

Janice Porter:

everything. Like, when I was young and dating, we didn't have

Janice Porter:

internet, like, we didn't have phones in our pockets, we didn't

Janice Porter:

have all these apps. So like, if we wanted, I remember being in

Janice Porter:

my 20s and going to, like, singles bowling night at the

Janice Porter:

grocery store, because no other way to meet people. Yeah, so it

Janice Porter:

was harder. I think it was harder. So if you were in a

Janice Porter:

situation, it wasn't like you could just get on a phone and

Janice Porter:

say, Oh, look at all these other options out here. I can just

Janice Porter:

leave this. Maybe we had a little bit more tenacity and

Janice Porter:

grit about our situations, but if the situation is wrong, and

Janice Porter:

if you've tried and all those other positive elements are

Janice Porter:

there, but then, by all means, I would say, you know, move

Janice Porter:

forward. Yeah.

Janice Porter:

Well, this has been delightful, and I I could

Janice Porter:

talk to you for hours. I want to ask a couple of quick questions

Janice Porter:

before we end One is there's some interesting trophies behind

Janice Porter:

you on your desk. Oh, yeah, share with me what those are?

Janice Porter:

The Emmys? Are they?

Janice Porter:

Jill Sherer Murray: Oh, oh, I wish that would be so nice.

Janice Porter:

They're just some some awards that I have won for my writing,

Janice Porter:

and some of them are from the team the communications work

Janice Porter:

that I did with the team that I led in my in my business. So,

Janice Porter:

yeah, I absconded with these trophies. Love it for lack of a

Janice Porter:

better place to put

Janice Porter:

them. No, it's good. It's conversation. Okay.

Janice Porter:

And so as a writer, I'm curious what do you. Read? Do you read

Janice Porter:

fiction? Do you read business books? Do you read self health

Janice Porter:

books? What biography? What do you do? And when you read? Do

Janice Porter:

you read the traditional way? Or do you read on a Kindle? Or do

Janice Porter:

you Audible? Audible? What do you do?

Janice Porter:

Jill Sherer Murray: You know, I read books. Okay? I don't read

Janice Porter:

on a Kindle. I don't I love to hold books in my hands. I always

Janice Porter:

have many books going. I really love fiction. I love fiction

Janice Porter:

because to me, it tells the lie that tells the truth. And I find

Janice Porter:

that fiction is so just, there's nothing like being on page like

Janice Porter:

136 of a great novel like the best. Although lately, because I

Janice Porter:

have a novel with my agent now, and I'm getting ready to start

Janice Porter:

on the next one, I'm reading some some writing books. So I'm

Janice Porter:

reading, well, my agent has a wonderful book. It's called the

Janice Porter:

author's checklist, and it's a it's a great book for anybody

Janice Porter:

who wants to write a manuscript. And, you know, get it, get it

Janice Porter:

straight. But I'm actually reading this book called Truth

Janice Porter:

is the arrow. Mercy is the bow, by Steve almond, and it's a

Janice Porter:

manual for writing story. And so as much as I've been a writer my

Janice Porter:

whole life, I still love to read about how to construct great

Janice Porter:

stories. So I do read a lot of those books, but I am a fiction

Janice Porter:

girl. I love fiction, and I will have to say I have a lot of

Janice Porter:

friends who are writers, and lately I feel like I'm reading a

Janice Porter:

lot of their books, like we share our books. So hey, can you

Janice Porter:

read this? Hey, can you give me? So that's really fun. So yeah,

Janice Porter:

well, the

Janice Porter:

more people that I've interviewed and that our

Janice Porter:

writers, the more I've unders, I've come to understand that to

Janice Porter:

be a writer, I mean, a good writer is a lot it. There's a

Janice Porter:

lot of stuff, you know, involved and, oh yeah, hear people talk

Janice Porter:

about it, and the research and, you know, fact checking and and

Janice Porter:

style and everything. I mean, I'm not, I'm a talker. I'm not a

Janice Porter:

writer, but I'm, I'm fascinated by and in intrigued by it. So,

Janice Porter:

yeah, good, good on you. Okay, and last question, Well, where

Janice Porter:

can people find you? And I'll put it in the show notes on your

Janice Porter:

website, I'm assuming Jill, yes. Jill shiramurray.com Yep, and

Janice Porter:

you are let go for it on Facebook and Instagram and Jill

Janice Porter:

Shira Murray on LinkedIn. Um, yes, you'll write a blog or do a

Janice Porter:

podcast yourself. I can't remember. No, I

Janice Porter:

Jill Sherer Murray: don't blog and I don't do a podcast, but I

Janice Porter:

do help businesses. I do a lot of consulting on communications

Janice Porter:

and marketing, and I do a lot of writing, copywriting, that kind

Janice Porter:

of thing. So forgive me, I have terrible allergies this time of

Janice Porter:

year. Yeah, so I'm not currently writing a blog or doing anything

Janice Porter:

like this, because I'm trying to get this one novel finished up

Janice Porter:

so my agent can start getting it out on sub and then starting the

Janice Porter:

next one. So I've kind of been putting all of my energy into

Janice Porter:

that, but that is the, you know, for us authors, I mean, we have

Janice Porter:

to market, and so that's, that's a part of the job. We don't all

Janice Porter:

all love but, but I do love being on a podcast, and I do

Janice Porter:

admire you having a podcast. I admire all podcasters. I would

Janice Porter:

love to do that. I know it's such a time consuming, um

Janice Porter:

effort, but really fun, so I really appreciate that.

Janice Porter:

So can you give us a tiny hint about your new

Janice Porter:

novel? What's it about?

Janice Porter:

Jill Sherer Murray: Oh, well, yes, it's, it's, uh, I have to

Janice Porter:

get better at this. Janice, honestly, right? Why do I want

Janice Porter:

to story of a woman who falls in love in midlife and marries a

Janice Porter:

man his kids and his ex wife?

Janice Porter:

Got it okay? We have one of those in our family.

Janice Porter:

Got it okay? Yes. Well, look forward to that. It might be

Janice Porter:

interesting. So thanks for being here, thanks for sharing, thanks

Janice Porter:

for your openness and your sense of humor and personality. I

Janice Porter:

really enjoyed our conversation today. Thank you to my audience

Janice Porter:

for being here and remember if you like what you hear, let us

Janice Porter:

know and stay connected and be remembered. Thank you. Janice,

Janice Porter:

my pleasure. Bye.

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