In this very emotional, raw episode, your podcast host uncovers the emotional toll of waiting too long to create long-lasting, systemic change in their life to create an important lesson for all of us to remember. It’s not about waiting for the right moment, but making time for that moment to happen now to live the most fulfilling, prosperous life is within your reach. What will it take to live that amazing moment? Today? Tomorrow? 50 years later? The decision is yours, and this episode will share how you excel to create that moment of spending nothing to achieve great change.

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Intro/Outro By: Michael Dugan, Podcast Host: Voice4Chefs

Welcome to the podcast where relationships, confidence, and

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determination all converge into

an amazing, heartfelt experience.

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This is Speaking From The Heart.

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Joshua: Welcome back to episode

number 95 of Speaking from the Heart.

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This is going to be a tough

episode for me because I am

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going to be absolutely raw today.

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It's something that I have been holding

back for quite a long time, even starting

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this podcast, about the importance of not

only creating that change that we need

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in our lives, but what is the ultimate

cost of not being able to stay with that

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change; really, manifesting that change so

that we are able to become better versions

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of ourselves, and I thought that was about

time to share this story along with all

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the things that I've been holding back,

especially since the very first episode

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of this podcast, because I wanted to build

the repertoire, the atmosphere and also

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the encouragement of you, the listener,

being able to learn so much about me and

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some of my viewpoints on a variety of

different topics, whether that's been with

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guests that we've had on the show, let

alone the individual topics that we've

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covered in these monologue episodes.

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I feel that for many of us, not being able

to embrace or even acknowledge that change

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comes from a source of not only shame,

but also guilt; not realizing our true

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potential to create the opportunities that

we have lying dormant inside of ourselves.

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We have to learn that there are lessons

in life that we have to teach ourselves,

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whether that is through the easy way,

which means actually getting a mentor

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and assigning that opportunity to them

to share that knowledge or even impart

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that type of response that we're looking

for, or the hard way: falling into it

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and not being able to rise from it as

a result of all the different things

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that we've gone through, because if we

fall in that hole and we don't crawl

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out of it, we are going to rely on the

darkness to guide us, and the darkness

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is not the answer to solving a lot of

what life's problems are all about.

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I know that for many episodes early on,

I've talked about my suicide attempt,

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and why I tried to end my life; why it

was so important for me to end it all

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when everything I felt in my life was

lost, but I didn't share a big part of

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the reason why I still struggle with it

to this day, and even as I record this,

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I still have thoughts of: What would

it have been like if I would have ended

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my life and would have been successful?

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What would it have been like if I would

have just fallen off the face of the

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earth, but how many times have I waited,

hoping that something would change, but

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not instilling that change in myself.

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Why would I be holding back when I know

that I have these gifts to give now, and

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squandering those opportunities meant

that I was also losing a part of myself.

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As I look back at my 37 years on

this earth, I feel that I have been

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neglecting not just who I am as a

male individual, but also what I've

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been able to contribute as a whole.

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Worrying about what other people thought

of me and the ways in which I felt

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about myself were all intrinsically and

extrinsically creating havoc in my life.

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Every day would feel like another journey

in which I was dealing with some sort

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of invisible force trying to wreak havoc

with all the things that I had going

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good in my life and trying to find the

bad that was creating that emotional

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toll of not being able to continue.

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That voice of self confidence was

something that I was lacking for a

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very long time, and I'll give you

some examples of what I mean by that.

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Not being able to find a woman to date.

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Relying on somebody else to tell

me what I should hold as value.

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Feeling that I was incapable of holding

a conversation, given the fact that at

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the times that I even talked about this,

I had no idea that I was autistic, and

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to be able to communicate with others,

was very tough in its own right, but

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we don't wait for the right moments

to be able to form those communicative

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relationships that we have with others.

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We make those moments come alive when

we know that it's the right time to do

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so, but I struggled with life and not

figuring out when that right time was

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because that moment that I was trying to

lead in my life was full of distraction.

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Whether it was people yelling at me,

which even included my parents, even my

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siblings, and even others that made me

feel like I was inadequate, really did

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destructive damage, and it allowed me to

retreat into a world that maybe I should

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have not created in the first place.

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I've relied on stranger's affirmations,

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2000s, relying on other people's words of

wisdom on chat rooms that America Online,

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the internet provider that was the pro

choice for many people to be able to

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connect in what used to be the modem days.

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Yes, I'm talking about the 57,000

kilobytes per second that we would all

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connect to through one server, or a

couple servers depending on where you

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were located at in the United States,

to be able to access the internet.

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One of the things that I felt comfort

in was being able to talk to others

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my age, at least I thought were my

age, about some of the things that

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were going through in my life, but

what ultimately led into some of those

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conversations turned into addiction.

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Addiction of wanting people's

satisfaction, wanting people to

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acknowledge who I was, but it

ultimately led into what I really

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dread talking about in this show

today, which is my addiction to porn.

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Yes, that's right.

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I have an addiction to porn.

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I was really trying to satisfy not only

my thirst for sexual pleasure, but also

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trying to figure out why, oh why, as

somebody that was struggling with it so

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badly, and even struggles to this day with

it, why I can't find acknowledgement or

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satisfaction in just the conversations

that I have with other people.

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Why can't I just feel like I'm one person

that can connect with another person and

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show my true value instead of relying on

other images or even other conversations

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for that matter, to make me feel good?

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Now, I won't be graphic about what

I feel is really appropriate to this

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subject, especially disclosing this

sort of fact, but I know that for many

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people that are listening to this, you

might be dealing with an addiction,

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but it's not necessarily porn.

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It could be alcohol.

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It could be even dealing with a

significant other and trying to find

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that love in a relationship, but you're

not finding it, so you stay with them

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thinking that as long as you stay with

them, you will find that answer with

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them, but maybe you're even trying to

find that moment in life where you feel

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that it will be the most fulfilling,

whether that is smoking a cigarette,

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getting to that moment where you can take

a break and be able to smoke nicotine,

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or maybe it's some sort of other,

harder drug: fentanyl, heroin, cocaine,

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whatever the drug is, you might be

turning to that as your source of escape.

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Sticking with that theme, is that your

vice to give you the excuse to say

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that you're not going to change, and

that you're a worthless piece of shit.

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Those are the words that I always

told myself: that I was a worthless

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piece of shit, and we have to find out

why that time in our lives, whether

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that's something that we used to deal

with in the past, or even if we deal

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with it now, continues to be a tough

subject to swallow, especially when

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it addresses some of the things that

might be holding us back from having

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that prosperous life within our reach.

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How long will it take for you

to acknowledge something that

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I even have acknowledged today?

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Today, maybe you'll do it?

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Tomorrow, perhaps?

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How about 50 years from now?

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Well.

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That decision is really yours, but if

you're not going to be able to spend

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your time to acknowledge that change

comes from acknowledging first that

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you have a problem, well, you're never

going to be able to solve that problem.

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One of my clients recently brought

up the fact that it's really been

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a toxic environment, especially

in the United States, to deal with

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a number of different politics.

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Things that we often have as camps or

tribes for that matter, which we've

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talked about on various episodes of the

importance of being able to find that

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tribe that makes you feel supported and

grow in a way that's meaningful, but what

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I should have mentioned, even in those

past episodes and even future episodes for

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that matter, is that your tribe does not

come from learning from like mindedness.

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It comes from others challenging your

viewpoints in a safe environment to

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make you feel like you could be better,

not only in your craft, but also in the

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things that you're trying to achieve.

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In other words, if you're sharing these

things in people's lives that are really

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toxic in nature, and you're not working

on the stuff, or the junk in the basement,

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in order to address why you're holding

yourself back, you're never going to

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excel, and you're never going to be

able to create that moment of change

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in your life that will be able to be

looked upon in the past, that you'll

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be able to look upon in the future,

looking at your past, saying that that

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was the moment that everything changed.

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The longer you wait, the longer

that the cost is by staying in

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that unfiltered mindset of yours.

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I'm not proud of what I've shared with

you today, and I know that I will probably

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get messages and notices and phone calls

about how much of a disgusting person

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that I am that I look at those things,

but I intentionally am being vulnerable

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for this reason and this reason alone.

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I, as a coach, as somebody that is

a host of a podcast that talks about

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vulnerability and accountability,

needs to come clean with what I have

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been struggling with for so long.

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Porn.

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That disgusting word, but yet is it

disgusting when you think about the fact

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that we're all human, striving for that

connection, and wanting to be loved?

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I think that we find love

in all the wrong places.

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We find things that we really want

to be attached to, or even attracted

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to for that matter, that allow us to

feel really good about ourselves, and

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sometimes those things that we feel

good about, we don't even realize that

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down the road, they are actually the

most disgusting things that we should

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have never even participated in in the

first place, but being able to separate

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ourselves from that means that you have

to take a close, hard look at yourself.

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Face the truth and acknowledge that

sometimes the things that you're doing

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are wrong, and being able to self check

yourself is the hardest language in

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itself to communicate, and if you think

that you are talking to yourself and

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being able to have that conversation,

and you're able to do it intentionally

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without having any sort of objective or

subjective bias, you're still failing at

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it because you cannot truly, as a human

being, be able to separate yourself from

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what is fact versus fiction, unless you

absolutely talk about this with somebody

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that will understand and relate to you.

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You have to work on not just yourself,

but the things that you have to achieve

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in order to understand that holding

back, that feeling of not being able to

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address what's going on in your life,

comes from the fact that you're not giving

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yourself truthful answers about yourself.

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In other words, If you wait too long

to create that trust, that systemic

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change in your life with someone that

can hold you accountable, let alone

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teach you important lessons about what

you can do to move forward, you are

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a disgusting, terrible human being.

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That's right, I said it, and that's

a pretty strong stance coming from a

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coach, somebody that's supposed to be

there to help support you and guide

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you, set goals, make you accountable

for what you're trying to do, whether

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that's in a personal, professional

sense, in which I do for my own business,

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or for some other matter, whether

you are working with someone else.

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You are a disgusting piece of shit if

you don't work on yourself, and that

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is what I am saying to myself today and

acknowledging with you, my listeners,

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that I have a lot more work to do to be

better and to hold myself accountable.

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Now, if you're listening to this and

you're saying to yourself that I'm telling

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you that you're a failure, you're wrong.

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Matter of fact, you are not only

wrong about what I am all about

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on this show, but that means that

you don't understand what this

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whole podcast has been all about.

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We have to be truthful with ourselves in

order to get to the level that we really

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need to get to, which means answering

tough questions that we otherwise don't

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want to answer because we're afraid of

what the answers will be, and that's been

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my whole purpose also of doing this show.

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It's not just about the authentic

conversations about topics that might

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hold us back, but it's about understanding

that we need to be able to create that

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content, that context for ourselves, in

which we're able to be able to believe

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that we have the power to escape those

negative thoughts about ourselves.

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You have that opportunity, and that

is exactly what I'm saying today.

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Your opportunity to trust yourself

and change and evolve into the person

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that you are allows you to create

not only that content, not only that

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context, but allows you to not pay

the cost anymore for holding back.

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You are not a failure and by being a

failure if you think that you are and

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allowing yourself to say that you are

that disgusting person, that means that

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you're not open to that change and you're

again not listening to what I have to say.

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I am only speculating that for those

people that never want to try to do that,

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whether they want to make that change

in their lives or not, that they're

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not willing to work on themselves.

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Those are the people that should

be disciplined, but the people that

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are intentionally trying to work

on themselves and become better

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people than what they are today?

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You are the people that

I want to work with.

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You are the people that deserve to

be worked on, and you need to give

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yourself that value today that you

are giving yourself permission to

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make that change happen in your

life, no matter how difficult or

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how extreme it might be, because you

have all to achieve and everything

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to lose if you don't work on change.

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As I've always said to many of my

clients and I have even advocated on

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this show, change is an inevitable part

of the process of living on this earth.

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No matter where you live in the world,

no matter what you're dealing with, no

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matter what circumstances individually

that might be the precursor to what got

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you where you are in the first place,

whether that's in a good way or a bad way,

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we all have work that we need to work on.

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It means that you are capable of not just

creating that best value in your life,

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but it means that you have the mindset

to change everything that you find is

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absolutely disgusting in order to no

more pay the cost of not being able to

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make change, so this is for you today.

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Acknowledge to somebody that you really

care about something that you're deeply

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struggling with, but you're not quite

sure or afraid of how to best say it, and

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it's okay if it doesn't come out right.

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It's all about you taking that first step.

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I want you to take that first

step today just like I did in

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sharing my difficulty, because I

know I'm going to get help for it.

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This testament, this episode, will

allow me to share this with others so

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that they will know and understand what

I'm going through and when I have no

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ability to communicate that because of

my autism or because of other means.

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You have the power to change it.

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I want you to stop paying the expenses

and the costs that are involved

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with something like this, because

you don't need to pay it anymore.

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Not only are you going to pay that to

somebody else that will help you work

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through it, but you're going to be soon

charging yourself with that ultimate

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responsibility to help yourself not only

become the best version of yourself,

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not only to find your voice in this

ever changing world, not only to become

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authentic in nature, but through humility,

you will gain strength, and that change

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will not only become the best version

of yourself, but the best feeling in

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the world to know that you finally have

embraced it, to keep moving forward.

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Thanks for listening to episode

number 95 of Speaking From The

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Heart, and I look forward to

hearing from your heart very soon.

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Outro: Thanks for listening.

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For more information about our podcast

and future shows, search for Speaking From

244

The Heart to subscribe and be notified

wherever you listen to your podcasts.

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Visit us at www.yourspeakingvoice.biz

for more information about potential

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services that can help you create

the best version of yourself.

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See you next time.