Today's episode of the Becoming the Big Me Podcast is real, raw, and serious- if you are looking for my high vibe content this in not the one. If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction just know that I love you, I am here for you, and there is a better life out there for you. Feel free to DM me if you ever need someone to talk to. 

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Hi! I am your host Djemilah Birnie of www.becomingthebigme.com . I have been building businesses online since the age of 17. When I discovered the power that we hold within our own minds my world truly began to change.

I love to write and have published some books, some of them have even hit some charts 😲 You can check them out here http://bit.ly/djemilahbooks

Ready to start playing BIG and step into your Big Me potential by harnessing the power of your mind? Then make sure you join the free Rewire challenge to get all the tools you need! https://www.djemilah.com/rewirechallenge

Don't forget to check out the little lady's podcast "A Kid's Perspective" where she answers your questions on all of life's most pressing issues, in her eyes, a kid! http://bit.ly/akidsperspective

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Because there's this, this voice and this thought in the back of

my head that you know, that could have been me. Hey there,

thank you for tuning into today's episode of The becoming

the big new podcast. This episode is going to be a little

different than my typical content. And if you're looking

for something high vibe, at the moment, this is not the episode

to listen to. So you might just want to skip this one over. I

will be talking about some very real raw things that are going

on in my life right now. Hello there beautiful soul. So I

originally planned for today's episode of The becoming the big

meat podcast to be about the manifestation muscle and how to

build it up. But due to the circumstances of today, I'm

feeling called to talk about something else.

Today,

I found out that a family member of mine passed away a family

member of mine who has struggled with addiction, just like me. In

fact, he's only a couple years older than me. And back in the

day, we used to run around in the same crowds, I would see him

every now and then at some of the different houses that I

would be at.

Now,

we thought he was doing better. There's really no telling how

long he has been struggling again. He went to rehab and was

doing a lot better there for a while. But he obviously fell off

again. And from the sounds of what's coming out, maybe has

been off the silver bandwagon for a little while. We still

have all of the information of what exactly caused it. But it

does appear to be an overdose. We're not sure you know, if it

was just from the heroin or, you know, there's a lot of stuff

being cut out in this area actually really all over the

place with a lot more powerful.

Drugs, not

that you can't just overdose on heroin, you obviously can. But

as someone who has spent a user I know that we typically know

our limits

and

most of the reason why why we overdose is because there's

something else in there and we don't know our limits with that

something else. So after I found out the news, there was a lot of

thoughts going through my mind.

And

a part of me felt like that could have been me, could have

been me. Now there are many times that that could have been

me.

And it's not just the overdose that could have taken me and as

most addicts living in this state, know and feel the danger

not only comes with the drug not only comes with the possibility

of the overdose itself, but the danger comes with everything

else that comes with that lifestyle. The situations that

we put our ourselves in the feuds over over a hit over a

high that can end lethally. So when I found out that he had

passed away, oh, my soul filled with so much sadness to hear

that he had fallen back down that track again. I also felt an

overwhelming sense of gratitude. Gratitude that the universe sent

me my daughter because if she would have never come into my

life I can't say I know, I would be here today. for that child is

what gave me a reason to live. For I didn't feel I was worthy.

I didn't know I give a shit about myself. The universe knew

that I needed that push. And I'm sorry about the airplane that

you can probably hear right now I'm sitting outside recording

this. She gave me that push

that

I needed to make a change. Now we have some people think that a

teen pregnancy is a burden, or a disaster waiting to happen. In

my case, being homeless and an addict and a teen finding out

their pregnancy pregnant I can understand why people had shit

to say.

But that little girl she saved my damn life. Now there's

something that came to mind. A flashback. I came into my head

after I heard the news.

about a time when I was in the heat of my addiction. Living in

a little illegal shack that was built by a bunch of crackheads.

hidden in the woods of some tweakers property is living here

at the moment with my daughter's father and a bunch of other

users. Now, let's see, this place was your stereotypical

drug house. If you've ever seen the movie Trainspotting, you can

get a pretty clear picture of what this place looked like. It

was literal fill. The bathroom was disgusting. There was things

dripping down the walls. It was super, super narrow and very

tall. And on the top floor, there was a little room. And the

only window so to speak, was a door that opened into nothing.

Now there was a particular day where I was laying in the bed,

high as a kite and just not really paying attention to what

was going on around me. Earlier, one of the roommates had come

back super excited about his new score of dynamite that he had

gotten for a trade

for drugs

he placed when he received the dynamite he placed it on his

shelf

above a gold bowl of gunpowder. I didn't think anything of it. A

lot of these guys, they were obsessed with blowing shit up.

Because they came with the territory. I don't know. I also

was too high to give it any thought. Now what happened next

is something that will forever be seared. into my mind. He went

downstairs he went out of the house. It was a hot day. So the

door to the upstairs was open. And through that open door all

of a sudden came a spark. A spark that began to explode

everywhere. He had shot. A firework. Multiple firework. Now

your little chintzy didn't see little fireworks. No, we're

talking about. You're living on a rez, we got some real fucking

fireworks fireworks. And as I felt the biting of the flame

against my skin, I tried to run through the smoke and embers to

stumble down the stairs. My only thought was, I need to get as

far away from this house as possible because it's about to

blow the fuck up.

Now, for some reason that place didn't blow up. The gunpowder

didn't get hit the dynamite didn't get hit.

I'm not sure if his intentions were to blow me to smithereens.

But I can't say they weren't. Maybe he was just some high

guiding high. Maybe he I don't know. I can't say. This isn't

the only time that I experienced something that should have taken

my life in the time of my addiction. And I really, I

really don't know what kept me alive all that time. Except that

maybe, maybe I experience all of that for a reason. Maybe

everything that I have ever been through has been for a reason

not one that I could understand at the moment, of course. But if

it wasn't for all of that shit that I experienced if it wasn't

for all that I watched, I wouldn't be able to help lift

other people out of the depths of how I wouldn't be able to

show that there is a better life. I truly believe that I had

to live through all of those things. So that I could help

bring other people out. And I wish I could have helped my

cousin I wish I could have been there for him. And while my

heart is filled with sorrow, it's also set on fire. Because

there doesn't need to be more lives taken. Everyone out there

you yes you are worthy of having an amazing life. I don't care

what you have done. I don't care what you have been through.

There. If you are listening to this, you are still alive. And

you want to know what that means. That means you are alive

for a motherfucking reason. You are here to take another breath.

You are here to create something more. If you weren't meant to be

here you would not be now I have done so many horrible things. I

have witnessed so many horrible things that I am not proud of.

But that doesn't make me unworthy of living. have a

better life of creating a better life not only for my daughter,

and myself, but for other. Hence why I'm so passionate about

helping people. And not only just helping people in the

addiction space, not just helping, you know, young moms

not just helping people who have experienced extreme pain, but

helping anyone who knows that they are here for a reason. We

all have a story to share, we all have an impact to make it

it's not always easy to share and be raw and vulnerable. And

when I first started publicly sharing my story online a year

ago, that was the scariest thing that I ever did. But the amount

of people who have reached out to me and thanked me for sharing

my experience for for instilling hope in their heart. For showing

them that it doesn't matter what you've done, it doesn't matter

what you've done, though, it doesn't matter how low you have

fucking got. There's always a way to climb out of it. And I

know that everyone says that shit. And I know that when you

are in it, it feels so much harder. But believe me, you can

do it. If you're struggling right now, there are people who

love you. There are people who care about you. And it doesn't

just have to be your blood family. There are so many of us

out there who have been exactly in that position. Who will help

lift you up. There doesn't need to be another life lost. So if

you are struggling with addiction right now, I want you

to know that there is hope there is a better life out there for

you. There are people that will love and support you and they

know that you have seen shit that no one ever needs to see. I

know that you I've experienced that no one should ever have to

experience but that is what makes you powerful because you

will be able to change lives. Just reach out to someone. You

are worthy. There is support for you out here. You are capable of