Barry always knew he was adopted, but before he ever launched a search, he was found by his older sister. He tells the story of meeting her, and subsequently meeting his birth mother, both of whom welcomed him into their hearts. Hearing stories about why he was placed for adoption, Barry learned that he may have been lucky to escape his birth parents, but his younger siblings were not. This is Barry’s journey.

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Barry:                          00:00               I decided at that point, prior to going in to meet her, at some point I will just call her mom. So I said it as I was leaving and I don’t think she caught it. So she, you know, we had to be chat at the front door and blah blah blah. And then I went to give her a hug and I said, I’ll see you later mom. And she looked up at me and she staggered a little bit and she kinda questioned the whole thing by just saying, mum said, well you kind of gave birth to me that kinda qualifies you.

Voices:                        00:35               Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

Damon:                       00:47               This is Who Am I Really? A podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I’m Damon Davis and on today’s show is Barry. I spoke with him from just outside of Edinburgh, Scotland via Skype. Barry always knew he was adopted, but just before he ever launched the search he was found by his older sister. He tells the story of meeting her and subsequently meeting his birth mother, both of whom welcomed him into their hearts. Hearing stories about why he was placed for adoption, He learned that he may have been lucky to escape his birth parents, but his younger siblings were not. This is Barry’s journey. Barry told me he had a middle class upbringing with his father who was in construction and his mother who was a semi retired school teacher, he grew up in a peaceful, quiet little village south of Edinburgh. Barry’s mother was unable to bear children, so he and his brother were adopted.

Barry:                          01:46               Just the two of us. I mean, we’re, we’re pretty much chalk and cheese completely. Other than the fact we grew up in the same place, um, there’s very little in common.

Damon:                       01:56               What did you notice that you didn’t have in common when you were a kid? Maybe.

Barry:                          02:00               Uh, I spent, well I was dyslexic growing up. So you kinda, you know, kids being the way kids are. Um, I spent most of my time alone anyway and I was quite happy. Just give me a key, you know, I was always into computers, um, or I played guitar and stuff like that. Um, I, I was quite happy just being by myself, doing my own little thing, my own way. And my brother was always the outgoing guy. He played soccer, uh, badly. Um, oh, he was terrible. He was, he’s quite legendary. So he was always the, he always had friends around and he was always going around to them or they were coming here and I had two or three friends, kinda, growing up. But most of the time I was more than happy just being by myself.

Damon:                       02:46               Barry went on to say that he and his brother didn’t look anything alike.

Barry:                          02:51               We’re both relatively the same height, but he’s blonde, I’m dark. Um, facially we’re completely and utterly different. My brother’s ex wife, when she was just, they were just going out and she came over for a family meal one day and she commented saying Barry and his brothers don’t even look alike. And everyone kinda like stopped and was like, well, yeah, they’re adopted. Didn’t you know that? I mean, everybody who knew us growing up knew that we were adopted. It was just, there was never a secret. It was never an issue. We just kind of got on with it. I don’t recall, uh, being told but I just know that I was always, it was always explained to me that someone couldn’t look after me, so my parents did.

Damon:                       03:34               And how did that explanation sit with you?

Barry:                          03:36               Uh, well that’s the only one you got. So you Kinda just have to get on with it really. Um, but you know, that’s when, as you get older, it kind of, for me, it factored in the back of my mind and you’ve got the whole, you know, maybe I wasn’t good enough. What did I do wrong? And I think I, I’ve now learned that there’s a, uh, a character trait that a lot of, uh, adoptees have where you have this need to please people around them. So yeah, I’ve recognized that behavioral trait.

Damon:                       04:07               He was dyslexic. So at school he learned what people expected or wanted to hear from him. And he learned to be a chameleon who didn’t stick out in the crowd. Barry said, it’s funny to see how different his daughter is today than he was as a kid. She’s outgoing and won’t hesitate to tell you what she’s thinking. Going back to his own childhood, he highlighted something else that many adoptees experience.

Barry:                          04:31               You grow up not looking like anyone around you. Which I’ve heard referred to as the cuckoo complex.

Damon:                       04:39               Oh, I haven’t heard that before. Interesting. What, how did they describe it when you heard it?

Barry:                          04:44               Um, yeah, essentially the cuckoo doesn’t know is it lays its eggs in other bird’s nests. And of course birds are biologically programmed to raise the eggs that hatch. So they raise this other chick and off it goes and the cycle goes on. So yeah. Um, I kinda, it wasn’t until I heard it I was like, oh yeah,

Damon:                       05:09               that’s fascinating. I have never heard that before.

Barry:                          05:12               And of course, having my daughter, everyone’s, you know, she’s dark haired, I’m dark hair. So she, if you look at my childhood pictures, she’s a spitting image of me, but I’ve got nothing else to compare that to. Yeah, I have no idea what I look like or who I resemble.

Damon:                       05:27               I asked Barry about how he was similar or different from his parents. He said that with his mom, a school teacher, everything is always a lesson, so he just adapted to how she operated. His Dad was an old school guy who worked at the same company he had been employed by since his apprenticeship at 14 years old. By the age of 21 his father had earned his way to being the youngest construction foreman in the company and eventually Barry and his brother worked for the company too, his brother still does, but their father is retired. But back in the day, Barry went to work as a brick layer and he hated it. He didn’t know what he wanted to do, but he knew that was not it. Of course, his father couldn’t understand why. He just assumed that his son was lazy, when in reality he just wasn’t cut out for that kind of manual labor. Oh and the Gong you’re about to hear, I accidentally struck my mic stand. Sorry about that.

Barry:                          06:25               So yeah, you were just the lazy child, you know, just buckle under and just get it done. And it’s like, no, it’s not quite as easy as that, but you can’t communicate that to some people. And My, my dad and I were never ever close. The only time I remember him speaking to me was to issue a new notice of disapproval. I’m sure. I’m sure there were, there were nice moments as well, but I don’t remember them.

Damon:                       06:49               Yeah. When they’re, when they’re so far out numbered by the disapprovals then you don’t remember the approvals very well.

Barry:                          06:55               Yeah. Yeah. Uh, I, I generally tended to stay out of his way when he came home, when he came home, which another reason I just locked myself in my room with my computers and my guitars and then did whatever.

Damon:                       07:05               How about with your mom? Where you, so you must have been naturally closer to her, but did you feel a connection to her?

Barry:                          07:11               I did in a way. Um, I mean, I, I, I do remember feeling, I mean even, even though they don’t quite understand me, I mean, since I’ve been finding family and stuff like that, my father and I, my father has made efforts to get close to me. Um, for example, he, the pair of us with his background in wood, Eh, he constructed a couple of guitars.

Damon:                       07:36               Really? That’s awesome.

Barry:                          07:38               Yeah. And they’re, they’re fantastic guitars as well. My Dad glued a whole bunch of different woods together, so it had a stripe effect and he carved out the entire body himself.

Damon:                       07:51               Did you think, it sounds like all of this happened in your adulthood and if I heard you correctly after reunion, did you kind of think to yourself like, where was this guy when I was growing...