We all carry identities. The good student. The reliable one. The good mom. And most of us don't realize how tightly we're holding them until something happens that really shakes us and all the old stories come rushing back.

In this episode, Erica shares something personal and how a recent family situation brought up one of her most charged identities – the "Good Mom." With it came old stories of rejection, not being good enough, and the feelings that once again something was wrong with her.

This episode is about the identities we carry, the stories that get attached to them, and what happens when they get questioned.

Erica also shares her story of how she became a mother and why that journey makes the "Good Mom" identity one of the most complicated and tender identities she carries.

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Welcome to the Unfolding podcast, a space where we explore what

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it looks like to really trust yourself,

say no without guilt, and live your

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life like it actually belongs to you.

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I am Erica Voell.

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I'm a Decision Mentor and Inner-Trust

Guide, and I help women in midlife

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untangle from the life patterns of

shape-shifting and keeping everyone

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else happy, claim how they are

uniquely designed to make decisions

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and understand their unique strengths.

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Using human design as a lens, we clear

the noise of conditioning so that

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their no feels powerful and their

yes feels true, and they can move

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forward without self-doubt, guilt,

and the pressure to prove anything.

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On this show, we have honest conversations

about self-trust, boundaries, identity,

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and energy, especially for women in

midlife who are done living by the

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shoulds and second-guessing themselves.

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If you have taken every personality test,

followed the recommended path, and still

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can't shake that feeling that you've

been spending your whole life trying to

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fit in when what you really wanted was

to belong, you're in the right place.

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You'll hear stories, insights,

and tools rooted in human

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design, coaching, and real life.

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Not to tell you what to do like

another self-help book, but to really

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hear yourself so that you can stop

overthinking and start making decisions

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that feel grounded, clear, and true.

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Something happened recently in our family

that brought up a lot of old stories

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for me, stories related to identities.

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Identities especially related

to my i- identity as a good mom.

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You might not know my story

as, of becoming a mother,

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and it was not a smooth ride.

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It was not this normal story

of get pregnant, have a baby.

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No, it was none of that.

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I spent years trying to get pregnant

because of other health issues, and I had

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to go a more natural route with weekly

acupuncture, changing my diet, working

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with a naturopath, and a- after a couple

of years, we got some amazing news.

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I was pregnant, and then I wasn't.

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I had a miscarriage.

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People reassured me that a large

percentage of pregnancies end

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in miscarriage, and my logical

brain wanted it to be okay.

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But why was it happening to me?

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Once again, there was

something wrong with my body.

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I could add it to the list

of things that were wrong.

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That rocked my relationship with

my body, which was never really

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healthy to begin with anyway.

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And then we learned that I would

never be able to get pregnant.

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I had a double uterus, and I immediately

knew as soon as I heard that news the,

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the way of becoming a mom for me was

not going to be the traditional route.

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I just had this sense that this, the only

way I could become a mom was to adopt.

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And in a way, it was, like, really calming

to learn that I had this double uterus.

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Like, oh, okay.

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So we started the adoption process

and found some amazing people who

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supported us through our journey.

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We waited for two years to become

parents, and when we met the woman

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who would become my daughter's

birth mother, oh, we just loved her.

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We loved her.

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We love her dearly to this day.

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She's a part of our lives.

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I officiated her wedding.

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But this episode is not about

my journey to becoming a mom.

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This episode is about the identities

that we hold on so tightly that when

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something happens, it brings up all

these old stories, and we can feel our

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entire foundation becoming destabilized.

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For me, it was my identity as a good mom.

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That relationship of being a good mom

has been a long road, and shortly after

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my daughter was born, people would say

to me, "Oh, you must love being a mom.

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You wanted it so badly."

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As if because I had wanted to

be a mom so badly that I was

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not allowed to have a bad day.

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My daughter was very emotive from day one.

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Still is.

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When she was not happy as

a baby, we knew about it.

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I mean, seriously, the

whole block knew about it.

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You could hear it in a,

our neighbor's house.

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I have a very, very

strong-willed daughter, and

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I love that about her, but it's

not always made being a mom easy.

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We would go to the library on Tuesday

evenings when my husband was working,

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or we'd go to any public place, and

then she would have a meltdown, and

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it would immediately kick up this

feeling of, "I'm not a good mom.

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People are judging me."

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This wasn't about my kid having a

meltdown and me having to drag her

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out kicking and screaming And when

we were at the library, I have to say

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it really helped that people knew us

because my husband was working there.

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But other public places, I

really, really struggled with the

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feeling like I was being judged,

but also I wasn't a good mom.

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And there was a part of me, and honestly,

I didn't notice this until she was

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about five, but a part of me wondered

that if because I did not give birth

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to her, maybe being a mom was harder.

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I truly believe that our children pick us.

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Their souls need to learn certain lessons

in this lifetime, and we are the ones

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to help them learn those lessons, and

they are the ones who will also teach

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us the lessons that we need to learn.

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I don't believe in coincidences,

especially as I get older.

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But I have done a lot of work to

release this grasp on this good mom

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identity because the more tightly I

hold onto this identity, the harder

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it is when someone questions it.

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And I thought I was doing really well

until something happened last week.

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I'm not gonna go into the details, but

I can say that this good mom identity

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flared up in a really deep way.

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I felt my mama bear

energy rising so strongly.

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I wanted to protect my daughter.

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I heard this rage coming through

my voice, and I felt it in my

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entire body, and I also felt this

identity that was feeling so hurt.

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How dare you question my parenting?

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How dare you tell me I am not a good mom?

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It was a really hard week, and I

found myself wanting to hide because

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when our identities get questioned,

we can either come out raging or

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we withdraw, and I have withdrawn.

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I have been so grateful for the support

of my friends and my husband, and one

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thing I really, really appreciated

was that not one of my friends

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said, "But you're such a good mom."

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What they did say is, "You and

your husband are doing the best you

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can as parents to your daughter."

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We have made some different choices,

and as parents, I know we're

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raising our daughter differently,

and not everyone agrees with us.

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We're older parents, and I'm

learning to be okay with that But

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what I cannot do is participate in

the shaming and blaming of others.

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In our current culture, we're so

quick to blame and to scapegoat.

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We're quick to fire off a text accusing

others, but the hardest thing we

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are not doing by hiding behind our

phones and our texts and our posts on

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Instagram is we are not having actual

conversations with people, which leads

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to more people wanting wi- to withdraw.

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We see it with kids.

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We see people being so reactionary,

but we're not having honest

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conversations with ourselves, with

our kids, with our partners, and

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with our friends and our communities.

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And I share all of this because

I want you to know that this

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work is not theoretical for me.

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These identities are real,

and they run really deep.

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And what came up for me was this story

that, once again, I was being rejected.

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The feelings of being told that

sophomore year of high school that

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I was evil, truly evil, is what my

friend's parents told, said about me.

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And interestingly enough, if you put

my last name and my first initial,

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it come, it can be said as evil.

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At the time, my best friend was going

through some really rough stuff in

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her family, and she was suicidal,

and w- I was blamed by her parents

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for their daughter feeling that way.

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I was the one who went t- to the

school counselor and said, "I think

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that my friend was suicidal," and I

was afraid she would hurt herself.

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Her parents said that if

I was not her friend, this

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would not have been a problem.

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They were not willing to look at what

was happening in their own house.

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And what has happened over this last

week also brought up those feelings

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of rejection of when I was in, bullied

in high school, the feelings of not

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being good enough, and once again,

there was something wrong with me,

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something wrong with who I am as a

person and who I am as a parent to

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a very amazing, strong-willed girl.

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We all carry identities.

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Some came as we were growing up, the

good student, the good daughter, the

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reliable one, the dedicated mother,

and not all of them are positive.

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Some people wear their

identities like a badge of honor,

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like, "I was the bad girl."

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Some of us have identities that feel

too embarrassing to share with anyone

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but our most intimate relationships.

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But each identity is a part of

us, whether we like it or not.

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Each identity has a good side and a

challenging side, and challenging isn't a

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bad word, it's just the harder side of it.

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I'll use the good mom identity

since that's the one that's

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most charged for me right now.

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The good side of that identity

is that I'm very involved.

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Things feel like when they're

going well, people notice.

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But people noticing and commenting,

"Oh, you're such a good mom,"

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can actually stir up feelings

and this sense of perfectionism.

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That's how it shows up for me.

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It doesn't show up that way for everybody.

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But then I feel like I

can't fall off the pedestal.

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I can't make mistakes.

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I can't be real, and I can't share

the challenges of being a mom.

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The challenging side of being that

good mom identity is that when people

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criticize it, when people comment on

my daughter's behavior, it rocks me.

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We've had so many conversations with

my daughter about being unfiltered.

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She does not have a filter.

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She s- talks before she

thinks a lot of times.

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But we also give her freedoms that other

parents haven't given their kids because

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we trust her, and we know that a lot

of times she learns by making mistakes.

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I used to say she was fearless.

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I mean, if we would go to a park and

all the other kids are playing on the

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playground, and my kid is the one that

is climbing on top of the slide and

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on all of the tops of the equipment.

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It's not always pretty, and

sometimes it butts up against what

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makes other people comfortable.

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And another challenging part of this

is I feel like I will never measure

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up to other people's expectations.

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I am not one who's gonna throw

the Pinterest birthday parties.

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I'm not involved in every part of my

daughter's school life because I know that

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she also likes to have time away from me.

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She loves to try new things, and

it doesn't always mean that I need

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to be watching her every move.

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But I'm involved in ways that

people don't see on the outside,

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and that's where it gets really

challenging, and I think when...

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where this identity gets really

charged and feels judged.

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It's so easy for people to make

judgments about my parenting when

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they are not at my dinner table.

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They are not there when we are

having honest conversations about

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how my daughter came into our family.

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They are not in the car.

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And honestly, let's be honest,

isn't the car where some of

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the best conversations happen?

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I mean, your kid can't go anywhere.

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They can't run away from you.

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They can't say, "Mom,

stop talking about this.

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It's so embarrassing."

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If you have something embarrassing

to talk about, the best place to do

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it is in the car because then you

don't have to look at each other.

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My daughter is 12 right now, and

we've reached a stage where Mom

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and Dad are super embarrassing.

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It might also be that we were 40 when she

was born, so we are the old people, and

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we are definitely not the cool parents.

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But what I love most is that when she

comes to me and says, "Mom, I have a

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question," a lot of times it's when

she's supposed to be getting ready

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for bed, and I'm trying to get ready

for bed too, but I always try to make

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the time, and I, I honestly, I am not

always patient at that time of night,

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and I'm not always in the best mood.

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But I try to, to listen, especially

when she comes in and there's just

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something that's really weighing on her

because those late-night conversations

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are when I start to really see the

deepest sense of what is going on

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in her mind, and those moments don't

feed into my good mom identity.

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Those moments are the real mom moments.

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They don't get attached to that identity.

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Those are the most

authentic times together.

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No identities are popping up.

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So where does the identity work come in?

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One of the things I often see in

conversations with friends and with

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clients is that as women, we all have

these stories that we are attached to.

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We have carried those stories

for decades, and those stories

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get attached to those identities.

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One identity might have so many

stories attached to it over decades,

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and then when something like what

happened in our family comes up,

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those stories that we thought

we had worked through can

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come up so fast and furious.

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In internal family systems, they talk

about parts work, and I have done that,

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but I feel like this is different.

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In parts work, there is the

eight-year-old you that something

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happened to, or the teenager who

got into a car accident and has been

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carrying that situation ever since.

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The identity related to the

accident is, "I am a good driver."

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And then if someone questions it, you

start to feel defensive and charged, and

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you wanna prove that no one is going to

tell you that you are not a good driver.

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We can see it happen often with students

who go to college and are suddenly no

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longer at the top of their class, and

they start to wonder, "Who am I without

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this identity of the good student?"

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And that's where the

identity work comes in.

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A big part of my work is helping

women untangle those stories and

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see where these stories originated.

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Some of them, it just get piled onto,

and we start to notice the patterns

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related to those identities coming up

over and over again, and how human design

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can help us better understand why those

things have been showing up for decades.

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I would love to hear from you.

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If you feel inclined to share an

identity that you are so attached

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to or were attached to, and a

story related to di- that identity,

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I would love to hear from you.

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For me, over the coming weeks,

I'm gonna be leaning into the

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good mom identity in the best way.

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And this is not...

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I'm not gonna be putting

this stuff on Instagram.

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I am going to be painting a room

that my daughter is moving into.

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I made an offhanded comment in first

grade that I said she could move

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upstairs to what is currently my office.

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It was just this offhanded comment

because she had decided to move upstairs

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to this space so that she could have a

bigger room, but this is also where we

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were working during COVID, and true to

my daughter, she has held me to my word.

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So at the end of May, we are going

to be moving her up to this bedroom.

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And I really love painting the walls

in our house, so I'm going to embrace

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this good mom identity and my artistic

identity for a few weeks while I paint

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her new room and turn her current

bedroom into my new office, so I

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would l- love to leave you with this.

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What identity has, like, bubbled up

to the surface for you right now?

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Is there a story that comes up that's

fast and furious when someone questions

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it and says, "No, you're not."

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And you're like, "Yes, I am You don't

have to do anything with it today.

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I just want you to notice.

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Like, notice what's coming up.

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Because a lot of times when we dig

into that identity and we start to see

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what stories are attached to it, we

can start to untangle some of those

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stories, untangle some of this tightness

and this grasping on these identities.

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If this episode resonated with

you, I would be so grateful if you

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click the plus sign to subscribe

and share it with a friend.

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You can also find me on Substack

where I publish articles.

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I'm hosting a workshop at the end

of May on your voice, and I share

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more about human design and midlife.

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Thanks for joining me.

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Be well